You know every time you fall apart when a crisis comes your way or you hit a brick wall in your life. I want to talk to you about that today. See, emotions play a big factor in how we handle what life throws at us. I once told you that you are measured by the grace in which you rise from your problems or when you hit rock bottom. What I mean by this is that you are not judged by what you are gong through but how you handle the situation with grace and tact. It takes you 10 times longer to pull yourself together once you have fallen apart.
Now, you may be wondering what I am talking about when I say falling apart. Not everyone of us falls to pieces when trouble comes our way. However, as humans we have to factor in the emotional state of the person that is having the problem. See emotions play a significant part in how you handle a situation. How many times have I told you that you need to calm down, count to 100 or just divorce your feelings from the situation? A lot! It is not only important for you to tackle the problem clear headed and unemotional as it is for the others that you are dealing with.
I know that I used to hold my emotions in. I wouldn't tell anyone when I was upset. However, what was happening someone else would come along and do something so minor that it triggered an explosion from me. That's right little old me would blow up at the least little thing and what I found out was I was taking my anger, frustrations and guilt out on the wrong party. The person who was facing the brunt of my anger was not who I was truly angry with. This is what I am trying to help you avoid. Put te blame where the blame is due, don't hold anything in, take care of the situation as it happens and you will see how much better you feel. It took me a long time to be able to express how I am feeling, I am a person that doesn't like confrontations and I try to avoid them at all costs. However, it is in my best interest to let my feelings out when the issue arises because I don't want the wrong person to get my wrath when they didn't really do anything to deserve it.
I have told you before that you have to analyze a situation from every angle. Step outside of the box and look at the issue from a different perspective. I know it is hard to do, but if you can get past the emotional side of things and express your feelings either to yourself or to your partner and come at it with a clear head you will begin to see that the mountain you thought you were facing has many different options for getting past it. We all seem to take our personal problems and make them out to be bigger than they really are. I know that I do it. I take a molehill and make it a mountain when I am emotional about the situation, however once I calm down and start to think about the issue or problem with my rational thought and clear mind I begin to see the root of the problem and the many ways that I can fix or address it. But, it I come at it with my emotions raw and I am hurting, I just may say something or do something that I might regret later on. Remember it is not what you say but how you say it. Words have power they can cut, destroy and cause wounds that never heal. So be careful what you say, and keep in mind how biting and sharp your words are and how your tone and inflection might cause someone else pain. Your attitude plays a major role in this process.
Once I get out what I have to say, my mind reacts like nothing ever happened. I snap back to my up beat happy self like the issue was never there. I am one of the few people that can do that. If someone does something too me and I have an issue with it, if I address it right then and there and get out what I have to say about the problem, five or ten minutes later I am fine and have moved on like nothing ever happened. I know a lot of you aren't like that and it takes you a lot longer to get over something, you have some animosity and feel a certain way about the situation for a while. However, eventually you get over it and move on. Now, how do I accomplish this feat? It really isn't that complicated really. I just remember what I keep telling you that this too shall pass and I keep my head down and continue moving forward. It is the only thing I know to do, and I don't like having a burden or grudge so I get rid of it as quickly and efficiently as I can.
It important to take away from this that no matter what the situation is, if you can keep your emotions out of it and can tackle it with a rational mind and clear head you will find that you won't fall to pieces every time something bad comes your way. Remember it takes 10 times longer to pull yourself together when you fall apart. Emotions play a significant role in causing us to lose focus on the issue and tends to magnify it a thousand fold. Everything has it season and everything passes, you will survive and it will pass. Wait and see.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Monday, August 6, 2012
Choices Are Us!
Sounds like a chain store doesn't it? Well last night I was writing about settling for less than what we want. I told you to go for it, damn the consequences and make yourself happy, not to second guess yourself or beat yourself up for buying whatever it is that you wanted or needed. But as I sat here today thinking about things, it dawned on me that life is nothing more than a multitude of choices that we have to make. These choices, bring about decisions, and the path that we embark on here in life.
Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth. Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make. There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made. You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life. You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of. You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.
What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice. Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made. I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.
In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue. Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine. Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back. What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.
No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen. As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices. There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face. Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.
Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take. Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make. In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem" I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process. Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical part of your brain. You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of. If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.
It is okay to feel those things and we all do. The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made. Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye. When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail. This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly. But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.
The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for. In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision. That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.
We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in. It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.
As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B.
Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth. Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make. There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made. You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life. You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of. You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.
What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice. Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made. I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.
In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue. Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine. Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back. What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.
No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen. As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices. There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face. Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.
Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take. Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make. In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem" I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process. Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical part of your brain. You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of. If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.
It is okay to feel those things and we all do. The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made. Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye. When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail. This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly. But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.
The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for. In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision. That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.
We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in. It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.
As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Family can get a little confusing but learn to love and accept them they will be there for you when you need them
Despite how confusing and dysfunctional your family may seem to you, be assured that there are other families out there that make yours look like a walk in the park. It doesn't matter if your parents are still together or if they have divorced and remarried or whatever. Anyone in your family is just that family. They will be there for you when you are going through things, they are a support network. The only people that are going to be there for you when the chips are down and your back is to the wall. I am writing this because so often in life we distance ourselves from our families, loose touch, aren't as open and communicative as we can be. I want you to understand that no matter what your family has your back they are going to be there for you when everyone else has taken advantage of you and abandoned you. Sure they may be harsh, condescending and stubborn, they may be an argumentative bunch, seem to be indifferent, but let me tell you when something happens to you, they rally around you and are there for you in whatever way they can. That is what families do. As I have pointed out in several blog entries, you cannot depend on anyone else out there in the world to have your best interests at heart and have your back, with the exception of family. Now this is the first time I have brought up the subject of family, so I am going to describe to you my family and how it is a normal every day dysfunctional family unit, but how we pull together and help those that are in trouble.
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, July 27, 2012
What it takes to make any type of relationship work
The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard. Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time. The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth. Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships. I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise. Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.
There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part. I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship. This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you. I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are. But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily. Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding. Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.
Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better. Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier. Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there. I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask. This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.
So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time. I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta. He also came up there and we went to school together. So it has been a long time. But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day. But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result? Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you. You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back. This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.
Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal. In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever. But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from. It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you. Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work. Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel. You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt. They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.
How did you get that way? I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations. You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't. When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there. Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer. I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship. So, it can work just like I said. The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.
The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them. If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again. For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better. The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion. We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place. We ended up throwing it all away.
The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above. Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.
So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together. We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together. That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust. That they are open and communicative with one another. That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again. We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person. We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another. That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners. That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.
It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside. You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around. You have to live in the present, let go of the past. Why would you want to cling to it anyway? It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway. If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories". Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does. But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel. Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel. This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger. Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.
Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding. One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.
As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work. What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart. I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again. But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times. When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous. Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.
The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship. This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship. When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same. There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it. The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another. Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part. I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship. This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you. I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are. But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily. Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding. Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.
Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better. Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier. Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there. I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask. This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.
So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time. I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta. He also came up there and we went to school together. So it has been a long time. But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day. But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result? Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you. You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back. This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.
Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal. In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever. But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from. It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you. Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work. Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel. You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt. They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.
How did you get that way? I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations. You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't. When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there. Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer. I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship. So, it can work just like I said. The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.
The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them. If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again. For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better. The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion. We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place. We ended up throwing it all away.
The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above. Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.
So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together. We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together. That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust. That they are open and communicative with one another. That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again. We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person. We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another. That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners. That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.
It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside. You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around. You have to live in the present, let go of the past. Why would you want to cling to it anyway? It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway. If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories". Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does. But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel. Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel. This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger. Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.
Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding. One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.
As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work. What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart. I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again. But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times. When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous. Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.
The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship. This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship. When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same. There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it. The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another. Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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