I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be. I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month. I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up. People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control. From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since. Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder. Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs. For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again.
This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor. If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive. I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them. As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.
What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people. To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word. I should know better with some. I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up. They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up. People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed. I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold. I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay.
My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health. The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth. He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.
If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience. I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.
Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues. You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it. If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change. If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.
Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Saturday, December 15, 2018
50 years and still going strong
Despite my many health issues and set backs on this very rough journey I call my life, I am surprised and amazed at reaching my 50 year mark. I have come through some really difficult spots in the road, but I made it through relatively unscathed. My personality and body have battle scars and show definite signs of wear and tear but all in all I am still going strong after all this time. In this blog we have covered many of the battles I have faced and overcome, and many people get the wrong idea that I am a super strong person. They think that I have gotten life and all it's mysteries figured out and they would be so wrong. I am an everyday person who wakes up and faces demons both inside and out of my body. I have a mental addiction to narcotics, and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety to mention just a few of them.
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Journey Forbidden
The past four years have been difficult and interesting to say the least. I've been evicted from 4 different homes lived on the street twice, during the past two years. I don't know if it's me or the journey I'm on or if it's a combination of things but it's not what I want. I know that I'm not happy, I know that my health has suffered. And that I need a stable environment where I can rest my head.
As the new year 2018 begins I hope to make a new resolution where I am the focus and everyone else takes second place. This will be a first for me, as I have taken care of so many people in the past that it has become a part of my nature to feel the need to take care of others. Yet, as I look back at 2016 and 2017 it pains me to realize that I have put others before me at Great cost to myself and I've lost everything repeatedly. If I was going to do this why am I not at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. Today is a turning point as I realize yet once again how alone I am against the world. Many times I have asked myself when will there be someone who wants to take care of me. When will the person emerge that loves me as much as I love them? The person who can accept my shortcomings as well as my strengths? I had my hopes and expectations raised yesterday only to have them dashed once again by refusal to come with me. For me to yet once again stand alone when all I had hoped for was someone to stand beside me.
All I can tell you is that I put myself in this position. I put myself in love with someone who doesn't care as much about me as I do them he doesn't want to be with me he would rather take time off from the relationship then work on it. Yet he tells me I'm the one who ran away rather than face my problems. Actuality what I was trying to do was get away from being on the street to become stable and productive and create a new beginning for the relationship. This is the first time in 4 years that I ever put myself before the other person but it felt good for me to do something for myself for a change.
By no means am I saying I'm easy to get along with or I'm easy to live with. As a matter of fact I know I'm set in my ways I'm almost 50 and the person that I was seeing is half my age maybe that's where the problem lies, he still wants to party and do things for himself. I'm looking to build a relationship and a future for myself and another person. Maybe he is right maybe we do need to get away from one another for awhile and see what the future holds in store.
Though I find myself once again in the strange and perilous position. There is someone who has shown interest in me, someone who likes me for who I am and wants to be with me. Here's the truth of the situation, I want to better myself, I want to make sure that I don't end up exactly where I have been. I don't want to settle for anything. I don't want to be around all the drugs and the people whom I got away from. Many of those people helped me to the streets, they took advantage of my kindness and goodness and took what they could and left me to fend for myself broken and penniless.
It is time for me to be happy, time for me to focus on me. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship where there is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who really wants to be with me and see me succeed. Someone on whom I can put absolute trust. But, I am scared that this person doesn't exist. That I am kidding myself and setting myself up to be hurt once again. This is my forbidden journey, to explore and find that one soul that completes my own. To know true happiness.
I have worked and struggled all my life. I have watched everything I built come crumbling down around my ears as the years passed by and the cancer remained. It has been 26 long years and I am extremely weary of the struggle and the fight. But, here I am once again pouring my heart out wanting what I have never once found. I have thought I found it in the past. Spent years trying to make things work trying to create my ideal when it may not exist anywhere but in my mind.
Relationships are full of compromises. They are an agreement between two individuals traveling in similar directions to stand together as one and fight and build something together. If there is any hesitation, doubt, fear or other impediment the progress and the union will become unstable and falter. Just as in a fight it takes two, so does a relationship. No more than two and no less. Anymore cause rifts and currents that pull and tear at the foundation and less then two is an individual. I am ready for a real relationship.
You want a chance I am willing to give it but don't screw it up because I am not sure that my heart can take another break. The last person I gave a chance to let me walk away. I came back to get them and they made excuses why they couldn't come. Now, when they have no where else to turn they look for me to come and help yet the help was just there yesterday and they let me go once again. They want me to bring them here this weekend when I offered tomorrow or Friday. What is two more days going to do for them? Will they really be ready then. I don't think so. They are not wanting to stay with my friends who have graciously opened up their home to give us a place to stay. Who are willing to give us time and space to get ourselves together before we have to go off on our own. But he is insistent that he doesn't want to and can't live with other people right now. When I told him that my friend Travis was in the car he didn't want to go out and even meet him. This hurt me.
So I hope that he reads this that he sees what has happened and finally figures out what he wants and needs for himself.
But as for my wants and needs. I want it all. I want everything
I want love, passion, compassion. I want the kissing, hugging, cuddling and most of all I want to be finally happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for at the end of this forbidden journey.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. May you love hard, laugh often and live fully for life is too short .
Uncle B
Monday, April 3, 2017
Medical update time
Well folks the official news has come in and I am finally cancer free at this time. Now, this doesn't mean that cancer can't or won't come back. What it does mean is that at the present time all markers and indicators seem to point to the fact that the cancer is gone. I had surgery on March 28, 2017, today is the one month mark of my recovery period. The procedure lasted 5 1/2 hours and I spent 5 full days in the hospital.
Life is funny and full of little turns and twists that keeps us guessing from moment to moment. Nothing is ever
A 11 smooth or goes exactly the way we planned. If it wasn't this way our lives would be so monotonous and boring we wouldn't know what to do.
Well they were able to remove a golf ball sized tumor from my right kidney. From all indications it appears that for the first time in 26 years I am cancer free. Now this doesn't mean that cancer will never come back, because it more than likely will. It just means that at this time my doctor's are pretty sure that it is gone for awhile.
I ended up back in the hospital last week on Wednesday because I had walking pneumonia, but I am home now and doing well. Other than that I can't complain about my health. As always you continued well wishes and prayers are appreciated. Thank you so very much for being my support network and venting board. I want you to know it means the world to me that you are out there reading my blog.
As always live well love much and laugh often.
Uncle B
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Be Honest with me Please!
This is my constant plea, I just want people to be honest with me. Tell me the unvarnished truth. If it hurts my feelings for a minute so what, I am grown and I will get over it. You don't know how many times I have told people that come into my life, this very same thing. There is never a good reason to lie to anyone. Even more so if you are trying to have a relationship with that person. How many times have you caught someone you are dating in a lie? Isn't it sad!
I want people to know that the one thing that will break my trust with you faster than anything else is for me to catch you in a lie. I am on this living truthfully kick, it is hard, but you know what I think my friends and associates appreciate me more because I say exactly what is on my mind and I no longer sugar coat the truth. I blurt it out without a filter. See, I have many doctors that keep telling me that I am nearing the end of the road. But you and I both know that God just might have some other plans for me.
Life has become too short and fragile for me to hold things back. Instead of hiding and holding my feelings in like I used to I express them immediately, I get it out there and it makes me feel better. I am learning that there is a time and place for everything including tact. I have to learn that sometimes it is important to hold ones tongue. However, it is never appropriate to lie to someone's face. Honestly I think they will respect you more and the trust you are building with them will become stronger.
I had a lover once that used to introduce me to others as the lover he always wanted the person he never had to lie too. I like that, because honestly if it wasn't for his temper and us fighting all the time, we might still be together today. Amazingly we are very close friends and I have even told him that I honestly don't think our story is finished yet. I certainly hope not.
My life has changed I think for the better over the last year. I got away from the drug scene that was so prevalent in my life. I got extremely ill, had an aneurysm and still survived and went into a nursing home for 6 months and came out a new person. I am sad that I have lost some friends along the way, several have died and others have moved on and left me behind. But to be honest with you, maybe it was for the best that I was left to my own devices and all alone. The temptations of the past have gone with the people that I surrounded myself with. Now that they have moved on those temptations are gone.
Since the temptations are gone, so is the need to tell lies and hide the truth about myself and my life to everyone around me. You don't know how many times I had to sneak around and hide my true intentions from my parents, and others that cared about me. Yet, there was one person I never wanted to lie too and that was my partner at the time. He didn't seem to have the same convictions as I did because he lied to me about everything and everyone. Doesn't matter now I suppose because he has moved on and found someone new, and I am happy for him.
But what is it about me that makes people want to lie to me and hide things from me? I have been asking myself the same question for quite awhile now and I think it was the caliber of people that I was hanging around with. They were lying to themselves and I was just an innocent bystander. See the culture that I was exposed to was the meth community and I can tell you that when someone is on that drug they are wanting to screw anything that walks and breathes essentially. Honestly, they aren't trying to lie to you, they are trying to justify to themselves exactly what it is that they are doing. It just happens that they have lied to you in the process.
Now that I am sober again, and I have been analyzing the situation and the background that I have come from I can see it plainly now.
Yet, even when I wasn't doing drugs people have lied directly to my face. These people were trying to spare my feelings. See, sometimes when you are sick and going through some terrible things. Those around you want to cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself. What they don't understand is that you can see right through them and know that they are lying too you and that make you feel even worse about yourself and your condition.
I have been sick for so long and people are always trying to cheer me up by telling me that my color is good or that I am filling out that I have gained some weight. I can tell that these are bolstering techniques and are meant to make me feel better, but what they actually are doing is making me look hard and closer at myself. My judgement then becomes that mush harsher on myself than it should be. I am my own worst critic and I have never liked the way I looked and have never thought of myself as attractive.
So it is my fondest wish that everyone who knows me to be 100 percent honest with me. Tell me like it is, and if you can do that for me, maybe it will become habit for you and you can do it for everyone else. I am so tired of hearing what everyone thinks I want to hear, just tell me the truth.
Remember that the truth starts at home. You must start with yourself and then work your way outward. That was the lesson that took me so long to learn for myself. I have always found it easy to lie to myself and rationalize my behavior and habits, but it was hard for me to stand up and be a hundred percent honest with myself. So I had to start at home and focus on my inner self before I could shift the focus to the outer world.
So remember if you can be honest with yourself it will definitely be easier to be honest with everyone else. Keep in mind that trust is built by showing how honest you are too others. So build your foundations on truth and understanding and you will see that your relationships are stronger and will last longer.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I want people to know that the one thing that will break my trust with you faster than anything else is for me to catch you in a lie. I am on this living truthfully kick, it is hard, but you know what I think my friends and associates appreciate me more because I say exactly what is on my mind and I no longer sugar coat the truth. I blurt it out without a filter. See, I have many doctors that keep telling me that I am nearing the end of the road. But you and I both know that God just might have some other plans for me.
Life has become too short and fragile for me to hold things back. Instead of hiding and holding my feelings in like I used to I express them immediately, I get it out there and it makes me feel better. I am learning that there is a time and place for everything including tact. I have to learn that sometimes it is important to hold ones tongue. However, it is never appropriate to lie to someone's face. Honestly I think they will respect you more and the trust you are building with them will become stronger.
I had a lover once that used to introduce me to others as the lover he always wanted the person he never had to lie too. I like that, because honestly if it wasn't for his temper and us fighting all the time, we might still be together today. Amazingly we are very close friends and I have even told him that I honestly don't think our story is finished yet. I certainly hope not.
My life has changed I think for the better over the last year. I got away from the drug scene that was so prevalent in my life. I got extremely ill, had an aneurysm and still survived and went into a nursing home for 6 months and came out a new person. I am sad that I have lost some friends along the way, several have died and others have moved on and left me behind. But to be honest with you, maybe it was for the best that I was left to my own devices and all alone. The temptations of the past have gone with the people that I surrounded myself with. Now that they have moved on those temptations are gone.
Since the temptations are gone, so is the need to tell lies and hide the truth about myself and my life to everyone around me. You don't know how many times I had to sneak around and hide my true intentions from my parents, and others that cared about me. Yet, there was one person I never wanted to lie too and that was my partner at the time. He didn't seem to have the same convictions as I did because he lied to me about everything and everyone. Doesn't matter now I suppose because he has moved on and found someone new, and I am happy for him.
But what is it about me that makes people want to lie to me and hide things from me? I have been asking myself the same question for quite awhile now and I think it was the caliber of people that I was hanging around with. They were lying to themselves and I was just an innocent bystander. See the culture that I was exposed to was the meth community and I can tell you that when someone is on that drug they are wanting to screw anything that walks and breathes essentially. Honestly, they aren't trying to lie to you, they are trying to justify to themselves exactly what it is that they are doing. It just happens that they have lied to you in the process.
Now that I am sober again, and I have been analyzing the situation and the background that I have come from I can see it plainly now.
Yet, even when I wasn't doing drugs people have lied directly to my face. These people were trying to spare my feelings. See, sometimes when you are sick and going through some terrible things. Those around you want to cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself. What they don't understand is that you can see right through them and know that they are lying too you and that make you feel even worse about yourself and your condition.
I have been sick for so long and people are always trying to cheer me up by telling me that my color is good or that I am filling out that I have gained some weight. I can tell that these are bolstering techniques and are meant to make me feel better, but what they actually are doing is making me look hard and closer at myself. My judgement then becomes that mush harsher on myself than it should be. I am my own worst critic and I have never liked the way I looked and have never thought of myself as attractive.
So it is my fondest wish that everyone who knows me to be 100 percent honest with me. Tell me like it is, and if you can do that for me, maybe it will become habit for you and you can do it for everyone else. I am so tired of hearing what everyone thinks I want to hear, just tell me the truth.
Remember that the truth starts at home. You must start with yourself and then work your way outward. That was the lesson that took me so long to learn for myself. I have always found it easy to lie to myself and rationalize my behavior and habits, but it was hard for me to stand up and be a hundred percent honest with myself. So I had to start at home and focus on my inner self before I could shift the focus to the outer world.
So remember if you can be honest with yourself it will definitely be easier to be honest with everyone else. Keep in mind that trust is built by showing how honest you are too others. So build your foundations on truth and understanding and you will see that your relationships are stronger and will last longer.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, November 9, 2012
Living your own life can inspire someone...You just never know!
This is an email that I got on Meetme.com yesterday, and I wanted to reprint it here, along with my response. We just never know how us living our daily life, and being ourselves can actually help or inspire someone else. How you handle and deal with your everyday problems and crap can actually give another person hope. Plus, we actually never know what another person is going through or feeling until we actually talk to them. But here it goes:
The email I received: Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.
Here is my response: Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.
I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.
Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.
Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have.
Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.
I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.
The email I received: Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.
Here is my response: Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.
I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.
Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.
Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have.
Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.
I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.
As I was stating, just being ourselves might make all the difference in the world. Extend the hand of friendship and see where it leads you. You might be surprised at how a casual email or conversation can really touch another person's life. Nor where those conversations might lead you.
I never thought that just by complaining about how my day was going, and what I was going through was going to impact another persons life like this. I too understand about using the computer and current technology as a social life and a window into the world. Though I do miss social interactions and dealings with people on a daily basis. Hence my decision to go back to school and try a new career.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!
Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going. Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me. Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back. Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you. I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do. I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them. It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.
I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time. Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing. All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well. Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold. Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy. The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.
I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called. A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into. She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth. So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances. He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric. I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back. He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point. He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.
So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me. As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents. I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point. But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit. That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00. Now, can you see the Hand of God working here? I can, this man doesn't know me at all. I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here. Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing. That is God's work! He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.
We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be. We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too. I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay. That is exactly what happened. I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year. All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too. I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money. I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.
Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did. There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.
So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time. Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing. All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well. Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold. Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy. The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.
I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called. A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into. She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth. So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances. He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric. I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back. He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point. He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.
So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me. As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents. I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point. But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit. That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00. Now, can you see the Hand of God working here? I can, this man doesn't know me at all. I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here. Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing. That is God's work! He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.
We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be. We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too. I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay. That is exactly what happened. I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year. All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too. I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money. I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.
Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did. There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.
So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, October 6, 2012
6th of October
After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding. I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind. I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react. See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone. What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having. I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.
My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all. I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him. Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month. That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point. Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under. I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out. Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either. I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.
I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month. I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month. On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.
I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them. I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated. It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most. I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things. By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken. See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me. See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good. I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own. Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.
My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do. I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned. With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life. Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks. I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight. You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live. It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself. I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul. See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued. So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.
Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs. But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning? Still I don't have an answer to those questions. I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors. I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me. I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it. I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.
Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with. You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again. I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth. I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now. Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.
I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing. I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him. I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything. See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy. I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest. There is much more going on between us.
Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change. I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him. I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him. Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone. I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better. Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.
All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night. I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit. I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth. I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives. See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing. So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.
I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned. What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned. Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away. God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it. I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else. I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide. That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.
Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all. I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him. Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month. That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point. Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under. I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out. Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either. I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.
I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month. I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month. On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.
I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them. I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated. It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most. I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things. By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken. See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me. See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good. I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own. Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.
My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do. I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned. With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life. Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks. I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight. You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live. It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself. I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul. See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued. So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.
Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs. But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning? Still I don't have an answer to those questions. I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors. I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me. I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it. I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.
Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with. You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again. I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth. I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now. Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.
I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing. I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him. I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything. See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy. I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest. There is much more going on between us.
Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change. I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him. I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him. Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone. I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better. Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.
All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night. I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit. I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth. I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives. See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing. So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.
I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned. What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned. Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away. God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it. I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else. I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide. That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.
Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Family can get a little confusing but learn to love and accept them they will be there for you when you need them
Despite how confusing and dysfunctional your family may seem to you, be assured that there are other families out there that make yours look like a walk in the park. It doesn't matter if your parents are still together or if they have divorced and remarried or whatever. Anyone in your family is just that family. They will be there for you when you are going through things, they are a support network. The only people that are going to be there for you when the chips are down and your back is to the wall. I am writing this because so often in life we distance ourselves from our families, loose touch, aren't as open and communicative as we can be. I want you to understand that no matter what your family has your back they are going to be there for you when everyone else has taken advantage of you and abandoned you. Sure they may be harsh, condescending and stubborn, they may be an argumentative bunch, seem to be indifferent, but let me tell you when something happens to you, they rally around you and are there for you in whatever way they can. That is what families do. As I have pointed out in several blog entries, you cannot depend on anyone else out there in the world to have your best interests at heart and have your back, with the exception of family. Now this is the first time I have brought up the subject of family, so I am going to describe to you my family and how it is a normal every day dysfunctional family unit, but how we pull together and help those that are in trouble.
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal
A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex. Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off. However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply. Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement. Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person
I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration. I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about. Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Me
I am who I am and that is all I can be.
I am not you and couldn't be.
So don't you judge or criticize
You are you and have your own ideals and beliefs
I don't think you can comprehend or understand me.
I don't believe like you, I am who I choose.
Whether right or wrong it is not your place
because when I look in the mirror I don't see your face.
I have my own mind and voice,
This is my right and my choice.
You think you are helping me
offering choice and pity.
But what I do and choose defines my path,
and how I handle things with a laugh
is how it is has got to be
I like to live life light and free.
Your pain and sacrifice are for you alone
My choice and decision are mine to atone
You have your own mind and will
That has made you my friend and still
I don't want to be you my friend
I need you to walk with me toward my end.
I am me and you are you
We are friends that is true,
As long as you can accept me
and can truly let me be
I accept and follow you
because I know all that you have been through
Because of that we are a match
and can make it through this rough patch
keep me strong and have my back
and I will do the same right back.
This is what makes us a pair
keeps us strong and helps us fare
the path of life
even though it is filled with strife
I am glad your here
with out you I would live in fear
that I couldn't make it through
but you keep me strong and true.
Thank you for you, for accepting me for who I am
because of you I am strong.
But I am what I am
Just like you are you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I am not you and couldn't be.
So don't you judge or criticize
You are you and have your own ideals and beliefs
I don't think you can comprehend or understand me.
I don't believe like you, I am who I choose.
Whether right or wrong it is not your place
because when I look in the mirror I don't see your face.
I have my own mind and voice,
This is my right and my choice.
You think you are helping me
offering choice and pity.
But what I do and choose defines my path,
and how I handle things with a laugh
is how it is has got to be
I like to live life light and free.
Your pain and sacrifice are for you alone
My choice and decision are mine to atone
You have your own mind and will
That has made you my friend and still
I don't want to be you my friend
I need you to walk with me toward my end.
I am me and you are you
We are friends that is true,
As long as you can accept me
and can truly let me be
I accept and follow you
because I know all that you have been through
Because of that we are a match
and can make it through this rough patch
keep me strong and have my back
and I will do the same right back.
This is what makes us a pair
keeps us strong and helps us fare
the path of life
even though it is filled with strife
I am glad your here
with out you I would live in fear
that I couldn't make it through
but you keep me strong and true.
Thank you for you, for accepting me for who I am
because of you I am strong.
But I am what I am
Just like you are you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Some Advice, Freely Given...
Yesterday was an eventful day for me, and one that I would like to share with you in a small way. I have a bit of advice that I would like to share with you all, maybe some will heed it, others will ignore it, but all in all I think that it is important for me to say something.
I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it. I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked. Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it. However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go. Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up. I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it. But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything. But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.
Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try. Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it. As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home. But here is the thing. I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came. I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg. Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it. I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own. I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving. Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me. Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on. When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much. No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.
It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion. I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything. When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday. As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital. My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side. They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God. Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them. I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain. So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.
Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off. This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way. Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me. They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything. So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on. You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th. Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond. My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived. What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you. When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.
So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give? Well here it is. If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you. Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was. I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else. Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own. More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes. I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less. Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.
There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone. Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility. However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.
Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them. Which is what I should have done with my father. I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it. I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked. Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it. However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go. Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up. I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it. But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything. But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.
Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try. Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it. As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home. But here is the thing. I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came. I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg. Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it. I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own. I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving. Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me. Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on. When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much. No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.
It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion. I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything. When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday. As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital. My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side. They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God. Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them. I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain. So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.
Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off. This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way. Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me. They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything. So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on. You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th. Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond. My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived. What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you. When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.
So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give? Well here it is. If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you. Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was. I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else. Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own. More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes. I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less. Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.
There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone. Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility. However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.
Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them. Which is what I should have done with my father. I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Techniques and Practices that will help you successfully ground yourself
In yesterday's blog entry I spoke to you about the concept of grounding and how it can benefit you. Now, what I would like to do is explain just a few simple techniques you can use to achieve grounding. Believe me when I tell you there are many ways and techniques out there that a person can use to achieve grounding. My goal is to narrow down that list, by giving you a foundation upon which you can build on. Feel free to customize and adapt either of the techniques I am about to talk to you about and make them your own. Find the easiest most comfortable way to achieve this and it will become second nature and automatic. Like I said be creative, have fun with it and make it your own.. All I ask is hat you push your fear and skepticism aside and just try it, you will be glad you did and will feel the benefits right away.There is nothing to lose, it can't hurt, and you have so much to gain, just have to do it. As with all things that are new to us we have natural doubts, we are skeptical and may have second thoughts or misgivings about grounding. But, if you go into it with an open mind and a receptive heart you cannot go wrong.
Getting rid of negativity in your life, freeing yourself from the rut that you have been stuck in, ending the cycle of depression and fear that has been keeping you prisoner; are just some of the things you can expect to gain. Others, will include more energy, a feeling of inner peace and you will have a sharper focus. Things around you will start to change, the new positive outlook, will start to draw more people and things to you and around you. Opportunities will begin to open up for you and your whole life will become enriched. Keep in mind that positive attracts positive, inner calm brings inner peace and with our stress reduced, our body can rest easier and will benefit from more efficient healing and recuperation, which in turn lets us sleep more peacefully, allowing us to feel renewed, refreshed, relaxed and energized. Trust me when I say it is a win-win situation, you have absolutely nothing to lose, except maybe depression, anxiety, stress and the familiarity of despair.
Now, I have your interest right? I think I might! So how do you get to this point? It really isn't as difficult as you might think, keep in mind that there are many ways to do this and it is your job to seek out which one is easiest and right for you, then make it your own. There are an unlimited possibilities, techniques, methods, techniques, and philosophies on this out there, feel free to mix and match, add, subtract, personalize it anyway you see fit. A few examples are Gardening, Baking, Reading, spending time with nature. As I said there are unlimited possibilities you just got to figure out which one fits you and then you just incorporate some basic techniques and then you are all set. Doing something outside of your comfort zone will give you the most outstanding results. Now we are going to delve into the basics and give you a thorough understanding of them so that you can incorporate them in your daily life.
The basic of grounding are pretty simple and easy to follow:
Today is Mother's Day do something special for all the special women in your life that have sacrificed and provided for you. Make sure you tell them thank you and acknowledge what they have done for you.
Getting rid of negativity in your life, freeing yourself from the rut that you have been stuck in, ending the cycle of depression and fear that has been keeping you prisoner; are just some of the things you can expect to gain. Others, will include more energy, a feeling of inner peace and you will have a sharper focus. Things around you will start to change, the new positive outlook, will start to draw more people and things to you and around you. Opportunities will begin to open up for you and your whole life will become enriched. Keep in mind that positive attracts positive, inner calm brings inner peace and with our stress reduced, our body can rest easier and will benefit from more efficient healing and recuperation, which in turn lets us sleep more peacefully, allowing us to feel renewed, refreshed, relaxed and energized. Trust me when I say it is a win-win situation, you have absolutely nothing to lose, except maybe depression, anxiety, stress and the familiarity of despair.
Now, I have your interest right? I think I might! So how do you get to this point? It really isn't as difficult as you might think, keep in mind that there are many ways to do this and it is your job to seek out which one is easiest and right for you, then make it your own. There are an unlimited possibilities, techniques, methods, techniques, and philosophies on this out there, feel free to mix and match, add, subtract, personalize it anyway you see fit. A few examples are Gardening, Baking, Reading, spending time with nature. As I said there are unlimited possibilities you just got to figure out which one fits you and then you just incorporate some basic techniques and then you are all set. Doing something outside of your comfort zone will give you the most outstanding results. Now we are going to delve into the basics and give you a thorough understanding of them so that you can incorporate them in your daily life.
The basic of grounding are pretty simple and easy to follow:
- Set aside a dedicated time of day. It works better if you use the same time as much as possible. Though there will be times when you can't do it at the same time or you may find you need to have more than one time set aside per day. Personally I have my time set for the morning so the tone of my day is set. Then when I need to I throw in an evening time when appropriate. (15 to 30 minutes is all the time you need)
- Make sure that you have selected a private place and you will not be interrupted. Turn off your phone and isolate yourself all outside influences and distractions.
- Clear your mind and relax.
- Feel the energy flow from above you and through you.
- Let it pass through you into the ground.
With all this being said lets get to it. These are my simple techniques that I use. Sometimes I add music and other things when I am trying to relax and ground, as I told you earlier the possibilities are unlimited and there is no wrong way or right way, it is just your preferences and what you feel comfortable with. My favorite and probably first choice is a natural approach and incorporates nature in all the beauty and wonder that exists there. If you live in a city it maybe a little hard for you to find the perfect spot. But, the neat bonus is that you can try all sorts of different spots, and change them as frequently as you want.
In our overview on grounding, I explained that grounding is a natural phenomenon therefore somehow it seems fitting that the first technique takes place and incorporates nature in its usage. I have set aside a time for each day to explore nature.Personally I choose to do my grounding in the morning. My reasoning is this I am not a morning person, it takes me a bit to wake up and get my day going. Therefore, when I ground and commune with nature I set the tone for my entire day. When I step out of the house I am positively energized, I am eager to face the day with renewed joy and vigor.
But how do I achieve all of this? Simple I select my personal block of time, as stated earlier about 15 to 30 minutes each morning., where I isolate myself from the outside world. This means that I turn off the cell phone, television and ensure that I avoid any distractions and interruptions. I step out into nature and observe it in all of its beauty and majesty. I actually don't have to physically go anywhere I personally like to sit in my backyard, or go to the beach or even the public park. Next, I feel the sun warming and this helps me quiet and still my mind. I also like to touch the plants, smell the flowers, talk to the animals that are in the vicinity. As I am doing this I let my mind grow quiet pushing out all thoughts and distractions and I feel the energy of the sun flowing all over me and through me. As the energy courses through my body from the heavens toward the ground, I actually feel the negativity and stress of the world and the previous day drain slowly out of my body. The positive energy flows from the sky through the top of my head and then through my body and leaving it through my feet and my hands that touch the plants and other things. All the while I rejoice and give thanks for another day as my body fills with the energy of the sun.
The second method is just a little variation on the first instead of walking around and touching things to ground, I find a tree to rest on, I place my back and head against the trunk as I lean back. I can feel the energy of the sun flowing down from the sky into the trees leaves and flows through the trunk heading to the roots for grounding but because I am leaning against the tree, I am actually part of the trees circuit the energy that flows down frAom the sun, enters my body through the trunk into my head and flows through my body, and exit through my back and drawn down into the ground by the trees roots. As the energy is drawn through me and suffuses me in every way and as long as my mind is free from all outside thoughts, influence and then isolating me from the clutter and activity of the world for just 15 to 30 minutes each morning I feel refreshed and energized to face the day. Now, if for some reason I cannot get out into nature, I do the next best thing, I sequester myself away in my room. Again turning off all distractions and shutting my door so I am not disturbed. I then go through the steps again, visualizing the energy from the sun flowing down through my roof through the top of my head and travelling through my body seeking to reach ground. Remember there are so many ways to customize this that whatever you choose to do will work as long as you keep to the basics. As you can see the only difference between the above techniques is the venue where the grounding actually takes place.
In just a few moments after starting the grounding process I feel the tensions, stress, emotions and all the negativity from the day before to melt and begin to be washed away. It is just that simple, and I can start my day and know that I am going to have a positive one. The one thing that I do is to give thanks for being granted another day, say thank you to the tree or nature that has been so kind as to assist me in my grounding efforts and then I take a few minutes to think of some key words to help me through the coming day and help me maintain my positive focus. These are words that I hope to demonstrate, exhibit, impart to those with whom I may come in contact with or might interact with throughout my day. These are words like: Love, Compassion, Understanding,, Caring, Wisdom, Kindness, humility, gratitude etc. I keep these words in the front of my mind throughout the day and to help me maintain focus.
Well you made it this far by reading this post, please don't give up just yet bear with me just a little bit longer as I summarize what I have been trying to get across to you and the key points I hope you will remember. By now I have defined what grounding is; given you the benefits of; then through in my concept of key words to help us manage and cope with the day. All you need to walk away with is this: Ground yourself daily, be open and receptive, make it your own, experiment with it, have fun with it, and customize it anyway you want so that you are totally comfortable with the process. But above everything else I want you to try it!
The techniques I talked about were Nature Grounding (or using nature and natural surroundings and settings). The other is when you couldn't get out in nature then you use what I call Visual Grounding (grounding utilizing visualization) and is done in your private place where you won't be interrupted. Remember the basics, use key words and you will be amazed at how your day turns around and how things begin to open up for you. You will also notice the immediate benefits of renewed spirit, health all the while of experiencing a positive focus and will be amazed at how relaxed and refreshed you feel.
Please join me for the next entry as I will be going through mediation and how it can and will benefit you. As always your feedback and comments are appreciated and solicited. Feel free to ask any questions and remember that I am here for you. Write to me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or bryanzepp@gmail.com. If you have enjoyed what you have read please follow my blog, join up and become a follower. I am trying to build up my audience and I want you to be a part of my community.
All my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Today is Mother's Day do something special for all the special women in your life that have sacrificed and provided for you. Make sure you tell them thank you and acknowledge what they have done for you.
All my love,
B
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