Intolerance and Hatred Not welcome

Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously.  For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.

But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form.  If you have  problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it.  Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.

If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence.  Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.

Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me.  I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.

Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter.  To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years.  For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.

My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community,  and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable. 

You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance.  I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.

Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself.  You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful.  I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here!  I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.

Let me be the first to enlighten you!  It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them.  No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused,  for the sake of his drug addiction. 

Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were.  I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person.  I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening.  I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.

I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description.  I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years.  I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners.  I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his. 

I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun.  It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally.  I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.

I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations.  Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.

Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page.  I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it.  I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see.  But that is the major difference between you and me.  See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance.  I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker.  I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS.  I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.

I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time.  My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world.  I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers. 

As I have said before and I mean it.  Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life.  Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!

My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences.  I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up.  I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are.  I preach love, happiness and light.  I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing.  No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance.  If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable.  The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages.  We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace.  Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament.  The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross.  If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb.  We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.

He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see.  God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world.  We have it in our power to change the course that we are on.  Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If you only knew

If only you could see the fear in my mind,
the doubt in my heart, then you might understand.

But to the world I only show a confidence and faith,
I show positive living and the light.

I have been called to use my voice to help those
who are victims of pain and strife.

But if you only knew what turmoils that
goes on sometimes inside.

I am human that is true
a war is being fought within my soul

You will never know I won't ever let it show
I walk in faith and in grace

I have been touch by the Hand of God,
I know that I am truly loved and blessed.

The Great Healer has heard all prayers
He has saved me so many times.

Now you know why I have to let my light shine.
It's my story and my song

If you only knew everything that I have been through
You would understand my faith and join in the praise

I want you to know I know what you are going through
I have been there right with you.  So are the angels that protect

You will never find yourself alone or a reject
If you only knew Jesus died for you.

Then you might be in harmony
and see the light that I have inside.

If you only knew God Loves you and
So do I.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Be a Warrior not a worrier!

I was thinking a lot about things that have been going on in my life over the past several months, and I realized something really important.  See back in August I was in so much pain in my back and I didn't have a clue what was going on with me. I had been to the emergency room 19 times and all they ever kept telling me was that I had a back strain.  But, the pain started out as a small pain between my shoulder blades, I thought that maybe I was just extremely tired or since I had just bought the stick shift car maybe it was from all the shifting I had been doing.

I really didn't have too much time to dwell on the pain, because during this same time period, Alicia, Lonnie, Kim, and others kept making random appearances at my apartment and so many things were going to hell in a hand basket and I just couldn't get the situation under control.  It was during this time that I ended up getting arrested 3 times in just a months period.  I was also told by my landlord that I had to move at the beginning of July.  I was running out of time and with my back hurting so badly, I couldn't do much.  For the first 2 weeks, I ended up laying around in bed, and as time started closing in on me.  I began to worry so much that I became afraid. My whole world was crashing down around my ears.  Because of the friends of Kim I ended up being robbed and lost everything important I owned.

Because of my back pain, and the constant visits to the emergency room.  My dad and step mother allowed me to come back to live at their house. I was only there about 2 weeks when I had an MRI which was the very beginning of a long and painful journey.  The morning of the MRI it took me almost 30 minutes to get out of bed.  When I finally got out to the living room, my father noticed that something was wrong and asked what the matter was. I told him that my back hurt so bad that I wasn't sure I could drive to the appointment.  When I got to the imaging center it was all I could do to get in the door and walk up to the desk. The receptionist noticed how I was walking and rushed to get me a wheel chair.  I even ran into two close friends while I was there and was in so much pain that I couldn't really even talk to them to let them know what was going on.

Time clicked by so slowly, and my mind was running through all these different scenarios.  I was worrying and worrying the longer it took the more heavy the weight on my shoulders became.  Long story short I was wheeled into the MRI room, the tech put me on the table, the machine was made only one pass when the tech came back and helped me up saying that the radiologist needed to talk to me.  I was wheeled in to the guys office and he promptly asked me how I got to the imaging center.  I told him that I drove, and he asked me if there was someone that could come and pick up my car and get me to the hospital ASAP.  The image that he showed me had an infection centered in the thoracic spine, it appeared to be through the center of my spine and right into my spinal column.  I was told that the infection was so severe and was strangling my spinal cord and that if I didn't get treated immediately I could become paralyzed for life.

I stayed in the hospital for 14 days, and given IV antibiotics, it is here where I learned that I needed to be a warrior and not a worrier.  See I was freaked out because once I got to the hospital, my legs gave out and I had to have my dad get a wheel chair and for the next 2 months, I couldn't get them to move at all.  The antibiotics worked slowly and because of that I ended up having to go to a nursing/rehab facility for continued IV treatments.  I was admitted at night to the facility and by the time I got settled in it was after midnight.  So I didn't get to meet anyone at that time.  But at 8 am the next morning I was assaulted by a myriad of people, nurses, doctors, cna's, administrators, therapists.  All the information overloaded my mind but the one thing that struck home and hit me squarely between the eyes was what the physical therapist said. She told me that she was sorry but I was never going to walk again.  Now, as you can imagine this was my fear from the beginning.

That night as I lay in my bed and continued worrying.  I decided to pray instead of letting my mind run away with me.  The head can only take so much information and process it, the shoulders can only stand so much weight before you feel like the world was resting on them.  The weight was overwhelming I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same, that I was stuck and I would never be able to move again, both figuratively and literally.  So I did the only thing I knew what to do, I turned to God in prayer.  I prayed continuously through the night, and when the sun broached the horizon and sunrise started. A peace descended upon me, it was like something I never felt before, and I had the calm assurance that if I did all I could on my own, I would be rewarded and I would get my legs back.  So when therapy came in to start my rehab, I diligently did as I was told.  Then that afternoon I started going back to the gym, this was a routine that I established.  I would drag myself up on the balance bars, and I would shuffle along.  I literally taught myself to walk again.  I prayed diligently and had the calm reassurance that I was going to be healed.

It took me 3 weeks to start walking with a 2 wheeled walker and 3 to 4 weeks later I had graduated to the 4 wheeled walker.  and just 2 weeks after that I graduated to a cane.  I used that for 2 weeks before I had a fall in the parking lot and they put me back to the 4 wheel walker.  But when I was finally released from the home 18 weeks later. I went home using only the cane.  I continued to pray and do the exercises that I was taught in the home.  I am now off of any type of walking assistance, and I have stopped taking the pain medication.  I do go back there to visit my friends and staff members that work at the home every Sunday. this past Sunday my friend Jonathan and I went back to the home and every one there was amazed at the progress I have made.  My back is straight, and my posture is good, and they keep telling me that I am looking so good.  I am pleased and excited by the progress I have made, but I am not surprised because I knew in my heart all those months ago that I was going to be healed and I was.

See, don't let your worry over life add weight to your shoulders, because if you keep worrying the weight will pile up and before you know it you won't be able to move.  See worrying is never an answer, it will lock you into place.  You can't get past it and it weighs you down and make it hard to think.

What am I trying to tell you?  I am telling you that if you go from worrier to warrior your life is going to be so much better. You will also find that by leaving your problems and concerns at the feet of Jesus you are no longer weighed down by all those heavy thoughts and worries.

Practice praying daily, give all your concerns, problems and desires over to the Lord and you will begin to experience a brighter countenance and life seems to be easier to get through. I challenge you to stop being a worrier and  become a pray warrior and you will see changes in your life and miracles all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unexpected events can bring you into contact with people you never knew you knew.

Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person.  I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me.  Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story.  All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories.  But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.

As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through.  So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie.  Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.

Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are.  The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.

For years  I  thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness.  I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me.  Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing.  My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.

Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me.  Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes.  Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else.  That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret.  Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida?  Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated?  None of this makes sense to me.

But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too.  Which is why I try very hard to live without lies.  But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship.  Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years.  I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door.  I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me.  But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday.  Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies.  He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done.   No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?

Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is.  I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before.  Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions.  Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution.  I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place.  I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others.  But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear.  He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.

These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day.  It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me.  But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship.  So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.

Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult.  But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out.  Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true.  When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him.  I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.

You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and  he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  However,  when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books.  All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.

I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help.  But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew.  I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it.  I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me.  How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.

Thank you for your help guys.

-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

B

The weather is Dreary but disposition is Cheery!

I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough.  But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line.  Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house.  You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for.  See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me.  I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.

Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us.  Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive.  Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage.  I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.

Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too.  It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon.  However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week.  Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year.  I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity.  I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of.  You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it.  Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating.  But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active.  However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.

Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something.  I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.

This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy.  It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations.  I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin.  Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag.  Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over.  Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth.  That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well.  Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters.  Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How to deal with life's unexpected pitfalls!

Recently I had another stop in at my favorite hangout, the hospital.  Now for those of  you that really know me, you know how I despise hospitals and will do everything in my power to avoid having to go.  But what do you do if life unexpectedly hands you a bunch of lemons and you end up where you hate?  In most of the cases that I know of we plod along and do our best with the circumstances we find ourselves in.  No matter what situation you find yourself in there is no possible way that you can take into consideration every eventuality that might befall you.  No one ever plans to have their health deteriorate or fail on them.  No one ever plans on having cancer, or having your kidneys fail.  There is no hard set fast plan that you can have in place to take these things into account.

But if you find yourself in one of these types of situations, (which I hope and pray you don't) you might have to buckle down and look to yourself and your family for support and guideance.  If you don't have a support network that you can call on and depend upon, then I recommend you create one for yourself.  I also would advise you to take the time and research what health options you have and treatments that others have found successful in dealing with similar conditions or situations.  Also reach out into your community and see if there isn't a support group or other type of organization that hasn't been formed to help you deal with what you are going through.  These types of groups can help you and your family members come to terms with what you are going through. They are also great sources of help and inspiration, because you can learn from others who have survived and gone through similar situations.  Their testimonies and experiences can give you the hope and help that you need to fight whatever you are going through.

Sometimes the thing that you need is just to have another person listen to what you are going through, they may not necessarily be able to give you the support and strength you need but they can lend you a shoulder to cry on and a strong ear to talk to about what you are going through.  No matter what your circumstances there is always going to be someone out there that has gone through something similar or have some type of advice that will help you through.  Support groups and supplemental agencies such as the American Cancer Society will also have resources that you might be able to call upon in your times of need.

Never discount your friends, those people that are always with you and surround you.  Their support and love will provide you with the strength and courage you need to face the crisis upon which you find yourself.  Always keep firmly in mind that no matter what doctors are only human, they make mistakes and they cannot see the future, and they are not the final word on your condition. God is the "Great Physician", He is the ultimate Healer and the architect of our lives.  Remember that God has a plan for you and your life.  Every hurt, pain and situation that you find yourself in are all part of His Divine Plan for your life and are experiences that we can learn and grow from.

I have learned through my own life and illnesses, that God's Plan and Will are sometimes hidden and subtle.  We must learn and live through each experience to recieve and comprehend the lessons that we are being taught.  Experience has taught me that God has different kinds of love for each of us.  Sometimes God's love is a restraining love, this type of love is where we are put into situations in order for us to learn and grow from.  Moses and Jonah had to learn and were restrained from moving forward until their lessons were learned. I believe that even today God teaches us with this same type of restraining love.  No matter where you find yourself you should research and explore the entire situation, because the lesson you might have to learn is how to witness about how you have overcome that situation.  God has called each of us to be "Fishers of Men" which means we are all called to tell others of our testimony, to talk about those things that we have been brought through and delivered from.  These are the stories and inspiration that help others to see the love and strength that God gives us. God also has a deep and abiding love that protects us and nurtures us in our times of despair and need.

As I said earlier it is your support network, which is made of family and friends that is going to help you through your trial or illness.  However, you must understand that not all of the people that you consider friends are actually going to be there for you.  It is during your times of illness and stress that you will find out who your true friends are.  They are going to the ones that are there for you and whom you can depend upon.  These are the ones that have your best interests at heart and are always in your corner pulling for you.   They offer words of motivation and encouragement, they are the ones that come to visit you in the hospital, send you cards and do little things for you to make your life easier.  Do not be discouraged if some of the people you once considered a friend don't come to visit you or have any meaningful input, because these are the ones that you can cut away from your life.  They take away more from you than they give.  Sad to say but those that want more of your attention and are needy without regard to what you are going through are the ones that you can do without in your life.

No one ever said life was going to be easy, that you were never going to have bad or hard times.  These are the times when life's lessons help us build character and shape and mold the way we live and treat life and those that are around us.  So many people have interesting stories if you just take the time to listen and get to know them.  My partner and I walk every morning here in Daytona, and it is on these walks that we have met and gotten to know some very interesting people.  There is a woman that we have met on several mornings who gets out and walks 2 to 3 miles a day.  This morning she was telling us that up until last year she was walking 5 miles a day.  Which is very remarkable because next month she is going to be 80 years old.  Even today she was out making her 2 to 3 mile trek which is truly inspiring because she told us that she had recently shattered her left foot and her hip had deteriorated over the past couple of years and had to have a hip replacement.

As with all things in this life our mental health is just as important to our physical health as is a good diet and exercise.  See with a positive outlook your health and stamina will also improve. It is my belief that our mind is a very powerful thing and with the proper adjustments in attitude we can actually help in our healing process.  A positive outlook on life is going to keep you moving forward and help lesson the stress on your body which inturn significantly increases the body's ability to heal.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It's 2 a.m. and I am still awake!

Believe it or not I went to bed rather early tonight, I had a very long day and couldn't find anything on television and didn't feel like watching a movie, so decided to call it quits.  I actually laid down and covered my head with the blanket and closed my eyes.  Slept maybe 2 hours and something woke me up, there was a chill in the air and I was uncomfortable. I got up went to the bathroom and decided to log back into Facebook.  There was nothing on my wall, but I noticed something over on the right hand side of the screen. My boyfriend's brother had put something up on his wall about being bored and so forth.  I have no idea what made me scroll through the list of posting notifications to find his name, but I did.  When I clicked on his name I was taken to his wall.  Now, a few weeks ago he was in Tacoma visiting my boyfriend and I had made some comments on his picture on my partners wall, but I never sent him a friends request I just subscribed to his public posts.  Anyhow, I digress and none of that is really important.  What is important is that when I got to his page, I saw a picture of my boyfriend all hooked up to wires and tubes sleeping in his hospital bed.   Now this in itself wasn't anything spectacular, except that it was.  See I checked the time stamp on the picture and it was posted at the same moment that I woke up.  Now believe it or not for some reason I thought that the surgery was supposed to be today Thursday, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call earlier in the evening from my boyfriend telling me that he was out of surgery and that it was a success and that he was okay.  I knew that something was up from the tone of his voice so I asked what was going on and he told me that he was in a lot of pain, but that I needed to call him tomorrow on his cell that they were going to keep him overnight and possibly tomorrow.

Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep.  Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture.  Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him.  Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you!  I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God.  I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good.  I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on.  At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.

When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me.  Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith.  Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times.  I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you.  God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you.  God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life.  But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted.  Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that.  I was sick when I was asked to  leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else.  Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable.  Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it.  Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered.  I was delivered and a miracle took place.

Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to.  This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me.  I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached.  This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together.  But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way.  Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida.  There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.

I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this.  It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see.  Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained  and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me.  Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true.  Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past.  It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world.  See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay.  That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on.  He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands.  So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.

See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say.  Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always.  God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do.  The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell.  Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings.  If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us.  There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope.  Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious.  Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away.  Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)

As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured.  But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year.  I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds.  This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here.  It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you.  Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously.  However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed.  There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.

I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year.  This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me.  I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days.  I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart.  This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared.  Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning.  I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit.  I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week.  To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area.  I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area.  I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans.  Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got.  The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me.  How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable.  This actually touched me in a very deep way.

See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person.  How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line.  See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us.  Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them.  Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world.  Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you.   As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death.  It  has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others.  I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed.  There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them.  Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were.  People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!

I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them.  I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you.  I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions.  You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time.  I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it.  Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this.  I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together.  I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me.  But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come.  He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came.  We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try?  I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.

Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me.  Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there.  I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon.  Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call.   When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room.  We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time.  However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life.  He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years.  That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy.  Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry.  Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure.  Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually  thought he was interested in someone else.  It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted.  His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk.  However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.

I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them.  In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With".  It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others.  I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up.  See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep.  I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital.  Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis.  Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying.  At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact.  I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year.  So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet.  Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.

This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year.  I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet.  I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life.  I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world.  On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about.  But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day.  I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me.  I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface.  That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.

Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me.  This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own.  Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me.  But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me.  This is new and it is interesting.  As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently.  I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world.  After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have.  We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation.  Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.

But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease.  That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction.  That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed.  In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing.  I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through.  Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists.  Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder.  But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me.  When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.

As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on.  In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots.  His perception of me was changed.  See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex.  You just never know do you!  Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying.  It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them.  So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story.  Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally.  God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me.  He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for.  He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be.  He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could.  When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.

Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you.  For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me.  I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health.  I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year.  Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration.  But it is because of all of you that I am.  It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown.  It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing.  It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone.  You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in.  I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life.  Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on.  Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.

Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

On Your Darkest Day

I can see the storm clouds gathering, I know it is going to be a beaut.  Full of howling fury and torrential rains, lightning that is going to burst the gray and heavy leaden clouds.  The sun is hidden, twilight has descended upon the world.  Every chore and task is done in grim sullen silence.  There is a heaviness in the air, as if someone has been holding their breathe.  The air is charged with electricity and cold fingers are clutching at your exposed skin.  You have known other storms, you have waded through the high waters and strong winds, and know that you can brave this one as you have all others.  Your secret is that you plod along keeping your focus on the tasks at hand, knowing that the quicker they are done the faster you can return the the warmth and safety of your house.  You know in the back of your mind that the warm glow of the fire will chase the chill away, your favorite chair is there waiting for you, and no matter the gale and force that assails the world your four walls are a sanctuary and solitude against its marauding onslaught.

Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there.  You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own.  Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside.  For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls.  Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life.  But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.

The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one.  When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through.  In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm.  Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it.  Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to  you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.

Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts.  Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on.  Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near.  You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand.  Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen.  Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.

Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart.  I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable.  At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through.  See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me.  Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore.  I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.

What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else.  He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon.  His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile.  For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief.  See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way.  That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close.  These are the things that have brought me joy.

So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it.  You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands.  There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite.  The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms.  With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault.  They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found.  Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire.  In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.

Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me.  We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own.  Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest.  Before the New Year my partner will be here.  I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.

God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near.  God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them.  We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there.  Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem.  Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake.  Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

6th of October

After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding.  I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind.  I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react.  See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone.  What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having.  I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.

My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all.  I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him.  Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month.  That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point.  Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under.  I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out.  Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either.  I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.

I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month.  I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month.  On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.

I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them.  I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated.  It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most.  I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things.  By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken.  See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me.  See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good.  I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own.  Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.

My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do.  I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned.  With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life.  Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks.  I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight.  You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live.  It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself.  I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled.  So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul.  See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued.  So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.

Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs.  But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning?  Still I don't have an answer to those questions.  I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors.  I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me.  I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it.  I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.

Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with.  You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again.  I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth.  I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now.  Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.

I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing.  I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him.  I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything.  See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy.  I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest.  There is much more going on between us.

Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change.  I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him.  I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him.  Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone.  I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better.  Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.

All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night.  I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit.  I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth.  I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives.  See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing.  So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.

I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned.  What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned.  Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away.  God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it.  I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else.  I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide.  That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.

Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B