Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person. I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me. Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story. All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories. But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.
As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through. So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie. Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.
Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are. The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.
For years I thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness. I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing. My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.
Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me. Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes. Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else. That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret. Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida? Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated? None of this makes sense to me.
But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too. Which is why I try very hard to live without lies. But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship. Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years. I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door. I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me. But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday. Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies. He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done. No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?
Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is. I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before. Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions. Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution. I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place. I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others. But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear. He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.
These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day. It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me. But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship. So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.
Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult. But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out. Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true. When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him. I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.
You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books. All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.
I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help. But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew. I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it. I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me. How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you for your help guys.
-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
B
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
One year! You'd Be Surprised at How Far You can Go!
It is true how amazed you can be at how far you can come and travel in just one year's time. A whole lot of things can happen in just a years time, and sometimes how far you grow, travel, mature, and advance in that time can just take your breathe away. No one knows this better than me, never give up hope, faith and trust, because of where you are at. It isn't the destination that is important it is the path or road you take there that makes all the difference. See it really doesn't matter, there are many avenues and roads to a certain destination, but the lessons one learns, accepts and practices along the way are what make all the differences in the world. If anyone has ever told you that life was going to be easy, that there wasn't going to be any risks, or that you aren't going to have to make some really tough decisions, they lied to you. Because, for each choice that we make there are consequences either good or bad that we have to accept and contend with. I have told you before and will keep telling you over and over again till it sinks in. If it isn't hard it isn't worth it. If you don't have to work hard to get it and keep it then there is something terribly wrong with it and will only lead you to loose it or worse someone is going to come along and steal it out from under you. Those things that we have to work hard for, and struggle to keep hold of are the things that we cherish the most in the world. Further, what makes it so precious too us is what we had to come through, go through and withstand to obtain it. These are lessons my friends! Building block to go higher and further than we have ever been before.
You can change your whole life in just a year. You can re-invent yourself, become a totally different person, learn a whole new set of values and ideals in just a year. You can even learn a new language or teach yourself anything. There is nothing holding you back from accomplishing whatever you set your mind to but yourself. Over the summer I wrote to you about 2 things that can keep you from completing a task that you start. Or even keep you from trying! Do you remember what those two things were? Fear and Jealousy are the two things that can keep us from succeeding at our goals. Whether, your fear or jealousy or someone else's. Fear can hold us in place and keep us from trying, jealousy of others can keep us focused on what others have and what we want or hope to have but never putting for the effort to go out there and get it. Jealousy on another person's part can cause them to whisper doubts in our ears, point out our limitations, and what they think are our weaknesses. They can also try and stop us with either words or actions, or be standing right there and try to take it away from us. Keep that in mind as you move forward in your life, cut loose those that don't support you, and be wary of those that want everything you have. Divorce yourself form your fear, because fear has no place in those that have faith and trust.
A year may not seem like a lot of time but I want you to see how far a person can go and grow in that amount of time. A year ago today I was in an extended stay hotel, been there for a month, I had lost my apartment. My two dogs and I were put up in the extended stay by Travelers Aid in Atlanta. Last year on this day was the hardest day of my life and one that I hope to never have to relive again. The funding for the hotel ran out, I had to leave the hotel, I had nowhere to go, and my friend that I thought I was moving in with backed out on me at the last moment without any warning or notice. Because I didn't have a place to go and no one to help keep my dogs, animal control was called and both my dogs were taken from me. One was just a pup, his name was Skylar, he was a lab/springer spaniel mix. He was going to be a year old on December 10th, the other was Madison she was 3 and was a lab/pit mix. I lost them that day, and they were put to sleep. My friend Linda took my stuff from the hotel and put it in storage with her things. Unfortunately, for me the entire month of October I was in an out of the hospital with kidney stones and renal failure and wasn't feeling all that well still, and couldn't really carry or help move anything. Long story short here I lost everything, my jewelry, my important papers, my dogs, all of my clothes, sweatshirts, jackets and shoes. I truly ended up with nothing but the clothes on my very back. My car was stolen, my life was a wreck and I had no where to turn too. I was on the street for the first time in my life. I tried staying with friends, squatted in an abandoned apartment, slept in the park, and did things I have never had to do in my life before, yet somehow I managed to keep doing drugs and getting high. I even got my car back for a short period of time. Then in December my car got stolen again this time with what little I could salvage and save from my life. I had put everything in that vehicle and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. I had to have kidney surgery 2 days before Christmas and had no real place to stay except that abandoned apartment. I was able to stay there for 4 days till I was thrown out of it. What few things I had managed to save from my car were locked in that apartment and never to be seen again. Luckily I got a hold of my father and he was able to help me, he got me into a hotel for a couple of days and when that ran out he got me into an extended stay. But that too was short lived. By January 10th I was back on the street with nothing. Just my jacket and sweats...I was freezing cold and it seemed to never stop raining.
I wasn't alone in all of this I had my trusty group of companions with me, and they were going through the same things I was. It was a real mess that 4 grown adults couldn't seem to make things work and come up with money needed to stay off the streets, but guess what drugs and alcohol were involved and when you add those things into the mix money never seems to get you to where you need to go because you have to have that fix first. I can tell you now that looking back my priorities were really screwed up. I had made money could have afforded the bills and could have held out, but I spent the money foolishly, wasted it on drugs, sex and other things that I didn't need. Like I was telling my niece today sometimes we need to regroup, refocus and realign our priorities. Sometimes that means retreating to a safer ground, get our act together and set ourselves up for success. Which is exactly what I did in February.
See being and living on the streets for me was an experience, one I am not really ready to repeat, but it taught me a lot of things about myself, the people I knew, and what others go through. The obstacles and challenges, the many things that can hold you down and keep you right where you are at. Sometimes it can be down right impossible to catch a break and get off of them streets. I know been there and done that. With all of that being said, understand that with a colostomy, kidney stones and a history of dehydration as well as kidney failure, the streets are no place for me. My medical condition alone made it near impossible to be comfortable or clean while out there. However, as I said I learned a great many things, I wouldn't change the experience at all. It made me grow and mature, it gave me a greater insight to the human condition and a better understanding of how people work and react to street people. Further, I learned a lot about the system that is set in place that is supposed to help those that are trapped out there, but in actuality it prevents them from reentering society in a meaningful and useful capacity. I learned about programs like HOPWA, Travelers Aid, Catholic Charities, Buckhead Christian Ministries and a whole host of programs that are supposed to help those in need and desperate for support and help.
But all of that is for another lesson. This one is about how far a person or an individual can travel, grow and go in just a short period of time. As I explained sometimes it might be necessary to regroup, retreat and refocus your energies. You need to set yourself up for success, you can't expect anyone to do it for you. Now you might need a helping hand at first. I know that I sure did. Because of who I was with and what I was doing I never seemed to break even, much less get a head. I found myself constantly in situations and problems that I couldn't get out of. The people who I thought were my friends and who would have my back walked away from me, or worse did stuff to keep me down and out. Not only did I suffer from despair and hopelessness, but my entire support network was nowhere to be found when I needed them. However, this taught me a valuable lesson, if I wanted to make a difference and change my life I needed to get off my ass and do it. Because nobody else was and nobody was going to help me do it. Life doesn't come with a remote! If you don't like it get up and change it yourself!
Which is just what I did. In February I had my dad by me a ticket back to Florida, which I immediately paid him back when I got here. My check was waiting for me when I got here. It was agreed that I could stay with him and my step mom for till I got back on my feet. Which I did, despite being ill. I wasn't even here a week before I had to go to the Emergency Room. Then the very beginning of the next month my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was in the hospital for 19 days. I had to have major surgery and my entire middle was cut open. I was flat on my back for almost 8 full weeks and during that time I had to give myself daily and sometimes 2 times daily liquid antibiotics via I.V. I was just getting finished with all of that and it was June already, when I had to have another surgery and was down again, however, I had started writing and doing other things to occupy my time and get my mind off of my situation and on to other things. July 3rd I was in an accident and broke my leg. You can imagine how that put a cramp in all of my plans. However by mid August, I got a car, landed a job and was well on my way. Then in September I did something terribly stupid, I left and went back to Atlanta for a visit, and well those of you who know me know that it didn't go well at all. I ended up in and out of the hospital most of September and October. As a matter of fact I was on my way to the Emergency Room yet again on October 19, 2012 when my father told me that I had to be out of their house by the end of the month. Now, as you can imagine I was totally unprepared for that, but I figured with my job and everything, I would be okay. I still didn't have any money at the time I was told all of this, but went to work and told my employers what was happening and they told me they would find me a place to live. Little did I know that less than 2 weeks later I was going to be let go because of my medical condition and them thinking I wouldn't be able to do the job that I was hired for.
But as luck would have it and a good healthy does of Prayer and Faith, i moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, worked out a deal with the landlord and was in the place way before the deadline my dad had given me. Now, not everything has been easy and I had to work my butt off to make ends meet but let me tell you God brought me through and I am still going and on my own. As I sit back and write all of this I am beginning to see that God knew I need the push, that I needed to get out on my own and that I need the challenge of getting my feet back under me, hence the nudge out of the house. I had been there for 8 months, and with all the health problems I am sure my dad thought I was never going to leave. But here I am safe and sound in my new place and doing my own thing. I may not have furniture but I certainly have come a great distance from where I was just a year ago. I am self sustaining, I have a roof over my head, it is my own place, and I have food to eat, clothing on my back, a car, though it needs some repairs, I am enrolled back in school for a new career, and i am out on my own. I also have been able to help my dad out with small loans here and there. I have cleaned up my act, gotten off the drugs and made some positive advances in my life, I have a checking and savings account with a little bit of money in each, and gas in the car. All and all I think I have done pretty good for myself despite all of the setbacks and roadblocks that life has thrown at me. I have over come them all and I have my feet back underneath me.
Life isn't fair, it doesn't play by a set rule book and troubles and problems can come at you from all different directions, you just have to have faith, have a solid plan in mind and execute it with precision and you will be amazed at how far you can go. Currently, I am even thinking that I might try and get my part time job back, my health issues seem to have resolved themselves somewhat and I can get back into the swing of things. In just a total of 6 months of productive time look at all I was able to accomplish. Think how much you will be able to accomplish if you just sit down, prioritize, fall back and re-group. Amazing things happen when you have your priorities and focus in check. You can accomplish anything, especially when you have a solid plan of attack and have laid a firm foundation to make sure that you are a success. See if you set yourself up for success how can you fail? You can't but it is taking the time to regroup, even retreat if necessary to get yourself grounded, realign your focus and set your priorities correctly. That is giving yourself a firm foundation or plan of attack from that you have already set yourself up for success.
Remember, retreat is always an option, it is a defensive move and a strategic one. It allows for proper planning and displacement of troops, military's use it all the time. It also allows for re-enforcement's to arrive and for rest and relaxation before another battle. Believe it or not life and living is a war, and you have to battle daily to make yourself a success. Use my example and see how regrouping helped me, how my resting at my dad's and having him as my back up and re-enforcement really helped.
You can come a long way, learn so much and grow in unexpected ways in just a year. I am living proof that it can be done..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
See being and living on the streets for me was an experience, one I am not really ready to repeat, but it taught me a lot of things about myself, the people I knew, and what others go through. The obstacles and challenges, the many things that can hold you down and keep you right where you are at. Sometimes it can be down right impossible to catch a break and get off of them streets. I know been there and done that. With all of that being said, understand that with a colostomy, kidney stones and a history of dehydration as well as kidney failure, the streets are no place for me. My medical condition alone made it near impossible to be comfortable or clean while out there. However, as I said I learned a great many things, I wouldn't change the experience at all. It made me grow and mature, it gave me a greater insight to the human condition and a better understanding of how people work and react to street people. Further, I learned a lot about the system that is set in place that is supposed to help those that are trapped out there, but in actuality it prevents them from reentering society in a meaningful and useful capacity. I learned about programs like HOPWA, Travelers Aid, Catholic Charities, Buckhead Christian Ministries and a whole host of programs that are supposed to help those in need and desperate for support and help.
But all of that is for another lesson. This one is about how far a person or an individual can travel, grow and go in just a short period of time. As I explained sometimes it might be necessary to regroup, retreat and refocus your energies. You need to set yourself up for success, you can't expect anyone to do it for you. Now you might need a helping hand at first. I know that I sure did. Because of who I was with and what I was doing I never seemed to break even, much less get a head. I found myself constantly in situations and problems that I couldn't get out of. The people who I thought were my friends and who would have my back walked away from me, or worse did stuff to keep me down and out. Not only did I suffer from despair and hopelessness, but my entire support network was nowhere to be found when I needed them. However, this taught me a valuable lesson, if I wanted to make a difference and change my life I needed to get off my ass and do it. Because nobody else was and nobody was going to help me do it. Life doesn't come with a remote! If you don't like it get up and change it yourself!
Which is just what I did. In February I had my dad by me a ticket back to Florida, which I immediately paid him back when I got here. My check was waiting for me when I got here. It was agreed that I could stay with him and my step mom for till I got back on my feet. Which I did, despite being ill. I wasn't even here a week before I had to go to the Emergency Room. Then the very beginning of the next month my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was in the hospital for 19 days. I had to have major surgery and my entire middle was cut open. I was flat on my back for almost 8 full weeks and during that time I had to give myself daily and sometimes 2 times daily liquid antibiotics via I.V. I was just getting finished with all of that and it was June already, when I had to have another surgery and was down again, however, I had started writing and doing other things to occupy my time and get my mind off of my situation and on to other things. July 3rd I was in an accident and broke my leg. You can imagine how that put a cramp in all of my plans. However by mid August, I got a car, landed a job and was well on my way. Then in September I did something terribly stupid, I left and went back to Atlanta for a visit, and well those of you who know me know that it didn't go well at all. I ended up in and out of the hospital most of September and October. As a matter of fact I was on my way to the Emergency Room yet again on October 19, 2012 when my father told me that I had to be out of their house by the end of the month. Now, as you can imagine I was totally unprepared for that, but I figured with my job and everything, I would be okay. I still didn't have any money at the time I was told all of this, but went to work and told my employers what was happening and they told me they would find me a place to live. Little did I know that less than 2 weeks later I was going to be let go because of my medical condition and them thinking I wouldn't be able to do the job that I was hired for.
But as luck would have it and a good healthy does of Prayer and Faith, i moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, worked out a deal with the landlord and was in the place way before the deadline my dad had given me. Now, not everything has been easy and I had to work my butt off to make ends meet but let me tell you God brought me through and I am still going and on my own. As I sit back and write all of this I am beginning to see that God knew I need the push, that I needed to get out on my own and that I need the challenge of getting my feet back under me, hence the nudge out of the house. I had been there for 8 months, and with all the health problems I am sure my dad thought I was never going to leave. But here I am safe and sound in my new place and doing my own thing. I may not have furniture but I certainly have come a great distance from where I was just a year ago. I am self sustaining, I have a roof over my head, it is my own place, and I have food to eat, clothing on my back, a car, though it needs some repairs, I am enrolled back in school for a new career, and i am out on my own. I also have been able to help my dad out with small loans here and there. I have cleaned up my act, gotten off the drugs and made some positive advances in my life, I have a checking and savings account with a little bit of money in each, and gas in the car. All and all I think I have done pretty good for myself despite all of the setbacks and roadblocks that life has thrown at me. I have over come them all and I have my feet back underneath me.
Life isn't fair, it doesn't play by a set rule book and troubles and problems can come at you from all different directions, you just have to have faith, have a solid plan in mind and execute it with precision and you will be amazed at how far you can go. Currently, I am even thinking that I might try and get my part time job back, my health issues seem to have resolved themselves somewhat and I can get back into the swing of things. In just a total of 6 months of productive time look at all I was able to accomplish. Think how much you will be able to accomplish if you just sit down, prioritize, fall back and re-group. Amazing things happen when you have your priorities and focus in check. You can accomplish anything, especially when you have a solid plan of attack and have laid a firm foundation to make sure that you are a success. See if you set yourself up for success how can you fail? You can't but it is taking the time to regroup, even retreat if necessary to get yourself grounded, realign your focus and set your priorities correctly. That is giving yourself a firm foundation or plan of attack from that you have already set yourself up for success.
Remember, retreat is always an option, it is a defensive move and a strategic one. It allows for proper planning and displacement of troops, military's use it all the time. It also allows for re-enforcement's to arrive and for rest and relaxation before another battle. Believe it or not life and living is a war, and you have to battle daily to make yourself a success. Use my example and see how regrouping helped me, how my resting at my dad's and having him as my back up and re-enforcement really helped.
You can come a long way, learn so much and grow in unexpected ways in just a year. I am living proof that it can be done..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, October 22, 2012
Don't be afraid to Ask for help!
There comes a point in each of our lives when we just can't do everything on our own. Our resources are tapped, our bills are overwhelming, our medical conditions are out of control and we just need some sort of help just to make ends meet. No matter what your situation or what you are going through, don't let pride and dignity stand in the way of you turning to others for help and assistance. I have been living on disability for almost 7 years now. I am not ashamed of that fact, I worked hard and paid a lot of money into the system to get the amount of disability that I get. However, there are times when that disability money doesn't reach far enough and doesn't cover all my bills and expenses.
Just like this move into the new apartment, as much of a blessing that it has been, I was still stretched to my limit, money and funds were not there to cover all the expenses of moving, and as you are aware from my earlier posts, I have no furniture and I have borrowed everything that I have in my apartment currently, except for the TV and minor stuff that I could find on discount or at the pawn shop. With the help of my father, stepmother and neighbors I was able to at least have an air mattress to sleep on, a dresser to put my cloths, a table to eat on, and a couple of chairs to sit on. All I had were my clothes and my computers.
Now with all of that being said, I reached out to my friend Jeff Allen, he is a big HIV/AIDS advocate and volunteer in the community that I have met and become acquainted with. I told him that I was looking for furniture and some help. That I have been thinking about renting out my second room to someone, so that it would defray some of my expenditures and help with income. He sent me an email about an organization that might help me. The organization is call the Ministries For Christ Outreach and since I didn't know exactly what to say, I sent a very long email about my situation, my health and condition and what I was looking for help with. Now, I sent this email on Thursday night, and I hadn't heard anything from them, but I figured that they were just busy helping others and that they would eventually get to me. I was right in a way sort of, see I got a call early this morning from Pastor Lisa Polite, my email had gone into her spam folder on her computer and she hadn't seen it, and for some reason she just happened to look in there and saw my email. For those of you who are still "doubting Thomas's" understand that she told me she normally doesn't look in the spam folder and for some reason this morning she did. You tell me that if God isn't at work in my life, and answering all of my prayers, why did my email catch her attention?
See, I am convinced that God is watching out over me, and is sheltering me in His mighty arms, because, of all the beautiful and wondrous things that have been happening to me lately. Well, let's continue on with this story, she called me this morning and asked me some questions we talked for a bit on the phone, and she asked if she could come and see me this morning around 9 am. I said that would be great. Let me tell you she brought me enough supplies and food to last me quite a while. She truly blessed me beyond words. I mean rice, can vegetables, can fruit, soup, spaghetti, sauce, mac-n-cheese, lunch meat and bread, just so much, toilet paper, laundry detergent and the list goes on and on. When I say she blessed me I am not being figurative, but literal. I was taken away with the generosity and kindness of a lady that had never met me.
So you see it never hurts to open oneself up and ask for help when you truly need it. Just last night I was worrying how was I going to last till the beginning of the month when I get paid again because money was running out. Before I went to sleep last night I had asked God to help me through, and behold this morning I was woken up to a blessing beyond measure. Now, Pastor Lisa is a great deal like me, she has so much positive energy and love pouring out of her, that I felt an instant bond. I asked her if her organization and ministry needed help, that I wanted to be apart of the program. I explained to her some of the things that I want to accomplish, and have been trying to start here. Like the housing referral program and housing assistance programs. She told me to keep them in mind because those are the types of things that they would like to expand in what they currently offer. We talked for quite awhile, and I showed her my blog, and I felt so very comfortable with her.
I told you not too long ago that we never know where casual conversation is going to take us, that we don't know what doors each encounter is going to open for us. What I didn't tell you is that you just need to be open and receptive to God's love. It doesn't matter what you have done, or what your situation is, you just need to be open too it. Because His love is unconditional and doesn't require any effort or work on your part. It flows through you and into you and energizes you. Trust me and I tell you that being open and receptive is how His blessing flow to you. So there is no shame in admitting that you can't do it all alone, there is no shame in reaching out to organizations and asking for help or assistance. Trust me that there are people out there that understand what you are going through, perhaps they have gone through similar things themselves.
If you ever find yourself in need and you don't know where to turn too there is a number that you can call it is 211 it is to the United Way. Call that number they will ask you a few simple questions and be able to refer you to services in your area. They help all sorts of people, people in crisis, people who are homeless, people who need assistance with utilities and back rent and all sorts of other things. That is the place that I would start if you don't know who else to turn too. Keep in mind that you also have a church family that you can reach out to, speak to your pastor, and see if they might know of some programs or assistance that you can apply for. There are government programs, grants, and other types of public assistance that are available to those that are having difficulties. Today the world has gotten more sophisticated, once upon a time you used to have paper food stamps that you had to present at the register when you checked out and everyone knew that you were on public assistance. Today it is all done with a credit card, and only you and the cashier know that you are on food stamps.
If you qualify, I think you should go down and apply for them. They are a big help and will defray some of the cost that you have to spend out each month. If you are like me and don't qualify, because you make too much money on disability or whatever, there are other types of assistance you can apply for. Trust me when I tell you, look around you and reach out. A closed mouth finds no answers and gets no help. You have to be vocal about your situation and your problems if you want to get help. I keep telling you that life is too short for you to hold it all inside of you. Plus, do you really need the extra stress, worry and heartache? I honestly don't think you do. So be honest with yourself and your friends, let them know what is happening with you. Because believe it or not someone else close to you might be going through the same thing or a similar situation and you can help each other out, exchange information and find the help that you both need. Talk to everyone, be honest, let that pride go. Stop your worrying and do something about the situation before it gets any worse. The last thing you need to do is let things go and let them build up until there is no possible solution to the situation.
Keep this in mind "Life doesn't come with a remote control, if you don't like the way something is get up and change it yourself". You have to be willing to work hard, and make a change because when you help yourself you are going to see that the blessing will start rolling in. You have to take that leap of faith and just try, do something for yourself and trust that everything will work out and believe me it will. All you have to do is try. Push down that fear and worry, I know they are what is holding you back and keeping you from taking action, because if you don't nothing is ever going to change and you are going to be stuck in repeat. Repeating the same process week after week, month after month. We have to do something, change something in order for us to break free from the rut that we have found ourselves in. Asking others for help is a start in that process, and let me tell you it is a process, nothing ever changes over night and if it did I would be worried about it. How many times have I told you the easy things in life are not the ones that we value. It is what we have had to work hard for and strive the most for that mean the most too us. Each of us needs to feel a sense of accomplishment and that we are making progress, if we don't we feel trapped, and depression can creep in. Keep your guard up don't let depression get to you. As I have told you before, it doesn't matter what you have done today, what trouble you got in, or what crisis you have found yourself in. Tomorrow is a new day, brand new no mistakes, a clean slate, and you have a chance to do it all over again, this time differently.
Don't be afraid to reach out and let your story be known, it isn't going to make you a different person from who you are. Are you really that afraid that people are going to see you differently now because they know what you are going through? Maybe they will begin to see that you are just a person like them and have problems just like them and maybe they have some help or advice to offer you.
Also keep in mind that if you are going through some medical issues or health concerns that there are agencies and support out there to help you. You might want to start with the case manager at the hospital or medical center that you were seen at to find something that might be able to help you. If you are gay and have housing or health concerns check out your local gay community center or speak to your infectious disease doctor because they know of programs and agencies that can help you. I can speak from the HIV/AIDS standpoint that there are agencies and funding out there to help you. Contact your local public health center to get in contact with them. If you have been disabled and out of work for over a year you may even be eligible for assistance through your states Vocational Rehabilitation, they might be able to send you back to school to get retrained in a new field, they can help you procure a job. There are all sorts of programs out there to help you become an independent and functioning member of society. All you have to do is look for them.
I just want you to be aware, that if you don't speak up and don't ask for help you are never going to get it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, not the ones that make no noise. There is no shame in applying for government assistance, and programs that are out there to help you live a comfortable life, and if you are ill, check into all the resources and help that you can find. Drugs, hospitalizations, doctors and tests all cost money and can be very expensive. Look for alternatives, patient assistance programs, agencies and groups that cater to your specific illness they are out there, you just have to reach out and talk to them.
Keep in mind that each conversation you have can open a tremendous amount of doors and opportunities, just be open and receptive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Just like this move into the new apartment, as much of a blessing that it has been, I was still stretched to my limit, money and funds were not there to cover all the expenses of moving, and as you are aware from my earlier posts, I have no furniture and I have borrowed everything that I have in my apartment currently, except for the TV and minor stuff that I could find on discount or at the pawn shop. With the help of my father, stepmother and neighbors I was able to at least have an air mattress to sleep on, a dresser to put my cloths, a table to eat on, and a couple of chairs to sit on. All I had were my clothes and my computers.
Now with all of that being said, I reached out to my friend Jeff Allen, he is a big HIV/AIDS advocate and volunteer in the community that I have met and become acquainted with. I told him that I was looking for furniture and some help. That I have been thinking about renting out my second room to someone, so that it would defray some of my expenditures and help with income. He sent me an email about an organization that might help me. The organization is call the Ministries For Christ Outreach and since I didn't know exactly what to say, I sent a very long email about my situation, my health and condition and what I was looking for help with. Now, I sent this email on Thursday night, and I hadn't heard anything from them, but I figured that they were just busy helping others and that they would eventually get to me. I was right in a way sort of, see I got a call early this morning from Pastor Lisa Polite, my email had gone into her spam folder on her computer and she hadn't seen it, and for some reason she just happened to look in there and saw my email. For those of you who are still "doubting Thomas's" understand that she told me she normally doesn't look in the spam folder and for some reason this morning she did. You tell me that if God isn't at work in my life, and answering all of my prayers, why did my email catch her attention?
See, I am convinced that God is watching out over me, and is sheltering me in His mighty arms, because, of all the beautiful and wondrous things that have been happening to me lately. Well, let's continue on with this story, she called me this morning and asked me some questions we talked for a bit on the phone, and she asked if she could come and see me this morning around 9 am. I said that would be great. Let me tell you she brought me enough supplies and food to last me quite a while. She truly blessed me beyond words. I mean rice, can vegetables, can fruit, soup, spaghetti, sauce, mac-n-cheese, lunch meat and bread, just so much, toilet paper, laundry detergent and the list goes on and on. When I say she blessed me I am not being figurative, but literal. I was taken away with the generosity and kindness of a lady that had never met me.
So you see it never hurts to open oneself up and ask for help when you truly need it. Just last night I was worrying how was I going to last till the beginning of the month when I get paid again because money was running out. Before I went to sleep last night I had asked God to help me through, and behold this morning I was woken up to a blessing beyond measure. Now, Pastor Lisa is a great deal like me, she has so much positive energy and love pouring out of her, that I felt an instant bond. I asked her if her organization and ministry needed help, that I wanted to be apart of the program. I explained to her some of the things that I want to accomplish, and have been trying to start here. Like the housing referral program and housing assistance programs. She told me to keep them in mind because those are the types of things that they would like to expand in what they currently offer. We talked for quite awhile, and I showed her my blog, and I felt so very comfortable with her.
I told you not too long ago that we never know where casual conversation is going to take us, that we don't know what doors each encounter is going to open for us. What I didn't tell you is that you just need to be open and receptive to God's love. It doesn't matter what you have done, or what your situation is, you just need to be open too it. Because His love is unconditional and doesn't require any effort or work on your part. It flows through you and into you and energizes you. Trust me and I tell you that being open and receptive is how His blessing flow to you. So there is no shame in admitting that you can't do it all alone, there is no shame in reaching out to organizations and asking for help or assistance. Trust me that there are people out there that understand what you are going through, perhaps they have gone through similar things themselves.
If you ever find yourself in need and you don't know where to turn too there is a number that you can call it is 211 it is to the United Way. Call that number they will ask you a few simple questions and be able to refer you to services in your area. They help all sorts of people, people in crisis, people who are homeless, people who need assistance with utilities and back rent and all sorts of other things. That is the place that I would start if you don't know who else to turn too. Keep in mind that you also have a church family that you can reach out to, speak to your pastor, and see if they might know of some programs or assistance that you can apply for. There are government programs, grants, and other types of public assistance that are available to those that are having difficulties. Today the world has gotten more sophisticated, once upon a time you used to have paper food stamps that you had to present at the register when you checked out and everyone knew that you were on public assistance. Today it is all done with a credit card, and only you and the cashier know that you are on food stamps.
If you qualify, I think you should go down and apply for them. They are a big help and will defray some of the cost that you have to spend out each month. If you are like me and don't qualify, because you make too much money on disability or whatever, there are other types of assistance you can apply for. Trust me when I tell you, look around you and reach out. A closed mouth finds no answers and gets no help. You have to be vocal about your situation and your problems if you want to get help. I keep telling you that life is too short for you to hold it all inside of you. Plus, do you really need the extra stress, worry and heartache? I honestly don't think you do. So be honest with yourself and your friends, let them know what is happening with you. Because believe it or not someone else close to you might be going through the same thing or a similar situation and you can help each other out, exchange information and find the help that you both need. Talk to everyone, be honest, let that pride go. Stop your worrying and do something about the situation before it gets any worse. The last thing you need to do is let things go and let them build up until there is no possible solution to the situation.
Keep this in mind "Life doesn't come with a remote control, if you don't like the way something is get up and change it yourself". You have to be willing to work hard, and make a change because when you help yourself you are going to see that the blessing will start rolling in. You have to take that leap of faith and just try, do something for yourself and trust that everything will work out and believe me it will. All you have to do is try. Push down that fear and worry, I know they are what is holding you back and keeping you from taking action, because if you don't nothing is ever going to change and you are going to be stuck in repeat. Repeating the same process week after week, month after month. We have to do something, change something in order for us to break free from the rut that we have found ourselves in. Asking others for help is a start in that process, and let me tell you it is a process, nothing ever changes over night and if it did I would be worried about it. How many times have I told you the easy things in life are not the ones that we value. It is what we have had to work hard for and strive the most for that mean the most too us. Each of us needs to feel a sense of accomplishment and that we are making progress, if we don't we feel trapped, and depression can creep in. Keep your guard up don't let depression get to you. As I have told you before, it doesn't matter what you have done today, what trouble you got in, or what crisis you have found yourself in. Tomorrow is a new day, brand new no mistakes, a clean slate, and you have a chance to do it all over again, this time differently.
Don't be afraid to reach out and let your story be known, it isn't going to make you a different person from who you are. Are you really that afraid that people are going to see you differently now because they know what you are going through? Maybe they will begin to see that you are just a person like them and have problems just like them and maybe they have some help or advice to offer you.
Also keep in mind that if you are going through some medical issues or health concerns that there are agencies and support out there to help you. You might want to start with the case manager at the hospital or medical center that you were seen at to find something that might be able to help you. If you are gay and have housing or health concerns check out your local gay community center or speak to your infectious disease doctor because they know of programs and agencies that can help you. I can speak from the HIV/AIDS standpoint that there are agencies and funding out there to help you. Contact your local public health center to get in contact with them. If you have been disabled and out of work for over a year you may even be eligible for assistance through your states Vocational Rehabilitation, they might be able to send you back to school to get retrained in a new field, they can help you procure a job. There are all sorts of programs out there to help you become an independent and functioning member of society. All you have to do is look for them.
I just want you to be aware, that if you don't speak up and don't ask for help you are never going to get it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, not the ones that make no noise. There is no shame in applying for government assistance, and programs that are out there to help you live a comfortable life, and if you are ill, check into all the resources and help that you can find. Drugs, hospitalizations, doctors and tests all cost money and can be very expensive. Look for alternatives, patient assistance programs, agencies and groups that cater to your specific illness they are out there, you just have to reach out and talk to them.
Keep in mind that each conversation you have can open a tremendous amount of doors and opportunities, just be open and receptive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Misadventures in Paradise
Well for those of you who aren't aware of current events in my life, I am finally back in Florida, where I should have never left in the first place. I went to meet Kerry in Atlanta that turned into the biggest fiasco the world has ever known. Anyhow, I went up there ended up getting jumped by 3 people that got my money, my ID, and almost lost my car. It was the most terrifying experience of my life and I never felt so alone. I did however make a remarkable discovery about myself and the people I counted as my friends. When push came to shove people only care about themselves and what they can get out of you.
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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