Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A little story can lift your heart and soul

Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight.  I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind.  The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck.  I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was.  He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life.  As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling.  It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did. 

In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter.  You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day.  She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart.  Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard.  Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help.  In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness.  The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily.  This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.

She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally.  Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on.  Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would.  This turns out to be a joke and he passes out.  When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral.  She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better. 

This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen.  Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why.  Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles.  I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow.  Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something.  You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you.  You may not even know them.  Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles.  You might be helping people without even being aware of it.  Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life. 

Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story.  You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them.  You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts.  Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them.  I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true.  Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats.  I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog.  I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me.  I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.

My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me.  Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself.  But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them.  This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.

For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction.  Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help.  I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was.  I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions.  The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs.  In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others.  Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.

Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier.  If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it.  Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using.  Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start.  No ifs, ands, or excuses about it.  I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing.  Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective.  I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.

I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it.  Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore.  I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety.  I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier.  But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B

Trying to reconnect with my lost extended family

The lack of the ability to sleep.  Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time.  I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night.  When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone.  Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.

I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis.  So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too.  I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them.  At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.

I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death.  I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate.  I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life.  The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more.  I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them.  As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before.  I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them.  I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.

Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general.  I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions.  It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them.  It is something that just happened over time and distance.  Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again.  As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us.  My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family.  I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.

But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later.  Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012.  Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all.  I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer.  I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually.  It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point.  It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.

I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day.  For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through.  But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy.  I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen.  I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.

I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert.  All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did.  There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others.  Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in.  But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love.  I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.

There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you  and hope that you.  I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had.  I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can.   Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.

I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me.  If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago.  I love you and miss you all very much.

Uncle B

The New Year 2017

Well another year has passed me by, one that seemed to be less trouble than the years that have gone before. Oh how I wish that was true. But to my chagrin I spent so much of this past year in the hospital. There for awhile it seemed like I had a permanent residence right there in Florida Memorial Center.

2016 was a year that I am extremely glad to put behind me. It was a year that brought me in contact with the most unsavory of characters. People who would gladly claim they were your friend and then rob you blind. It was a year where I lost everything of value and taught me that things can get much worse then what they were. 

It was in 2016 that I turned 48, it was also the year that cancer decided to crop up in both my kidney and my lungs. When Halifax hospital turned me away and said that the cancer was too complex for them to handle and I was referred to the University of Florida hospital (Shands) for follow up and surgery. I also learned over again that I no longer want to do drugs anymore, that my life was worth more than a needle in my arm.

In 2016, I gave in to my suicidal nature and tried unsuccessfully to drug myself to an early grave.  I lost most of my good friends and became homeless. It became a time in my life for introspection and self evaluation which culminated in my decision that 2017 was going to be a time for change.  Daytona Beach is not the place that I want to stay much longer.

2017 rang in at midnight and I was safe at home reading a book and keeping to myself. My partner got out of jail Thursday December 29th, but he had no way to get in touch with me. I still haven't seen him and it is January 1st. I have talked with him and I have to say that December hasn't been nice to either of us. He just got out of jail on December 3rd he missed Thanksgiving then he was arrested on December 15th and missed Christmas. I spoke with him today via Facebook Messenger and found out that his grandmother had passed away on Thursday. I am sad that I am not there with him as he deals with this tragedy. But, he really hasn't tried to get out to where I am staying. I have told him that I am here for him if he needs me

This first day of the New Year has already turned out to be not so hot. I am thinking that it maybe one of those slow burn types of situations where everything just starts out but gets better as it goes along. Here's keeping my fingers crossed for that one. So let me tell you how 2017 has started for me. I spent time this afternoon with the family, told them of my upcoming trip to Gainesville to meet with the surgical and urological teams at Shands, how from this meeting a plan of care will be developed and surgery planned. Then I came back to the place I was staying took a little nap, read a book for awhile then the police came. Tonight was the night that they came and took my friend Lisa away. She had been trying to stay under the radar, but apparently they were looking for her and decided tonight was the night.

I feel bad for Ms. Millie to have to watch her daughter be taken out of the house and off to jail. Then she called and said that she thought that I had something to do with her being arrested. It makes me feel even worse that Lisa thinks that I had something to do with her getting arrested, she said while speaking to her mother that someone called on her. Told Ms. Millie to not trust me, and I have been the only one who has been trying to help out buying food and trying to make sure that Ms. Millie has been taken care of.

So 2017 may be off to a rocky start but surely it will start to get better for everyone.

I hope your 2017 is going good, no great, for you and your family.  May all your resolutions be fulfilled and your dreams be realized Happy New Year my friends.

God bless you and keep you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Unexpected events can bring you into contact with people you never knew you knew.

Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person.  I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me.  Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story.  All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories.  But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.

As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through.  So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie.  Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.

Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are.  The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.

For years  I  thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness.  I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me.  Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing.  My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.

Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me.  Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes.  Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else.  That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret.  Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida?  Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated?  None of this makes sense to me.

But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too.  Which is why I try very hard to live without lies.  But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship.  Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years.  I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door.  I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me.  But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday.  Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies.  He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done.   No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?

Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is.  I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before.  Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions.  Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution.  I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place.  I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others.  But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear.  He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.

These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day.  It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me.  But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship.  So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.

Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult.  But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out.  Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true.  When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him.  I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.

You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and  he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  However,  when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books.  All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.

I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help.  But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew.  I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it.  I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me.  How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.

Thank you for your help guys.

-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

B

What Have I Done? Captain-Save-a-Ho is Gone

A couple of weeks ago I talked to you about when is it going to be my turn. When am I going to find someone that puts me first, puts my needs and wants before their own, and when am I going to have someone that I can depend on?  For the answer to that my friends it has become evident that I am going to have to change something about myself. Do something about who and what others think and perceive me to be.  As sad as this might sound, I think I am the one that has caused others to see me as a person they can rely on, they can depend on me, and I am always going to be there to bail them out of every situation that they get themselves into.  I must have really done a number on myself and these individuals over time to have them, honestly think that I can always at the drop of a hat, reach out my hand and lift them back out of the situations they have gotten themselves into.

What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time.  The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore.  I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could.  A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in.  But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.

Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could.  I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over!  Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career.  I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out.  Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street.  How many of you are there when I need a helping hand?  How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay?  Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.

My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part".  This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now.  Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up.  You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want.  You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen.  Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.

See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you.  You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need.  It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other.  I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people.  I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on.  I guess that also means I have outgrown you.  See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means.  But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more.  I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger.  They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is.  The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there.  You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there.  Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.

I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me.  I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you.  In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity.  Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too.  Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.

I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return.  If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about.  If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation.  You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.

Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages.  You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.

Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me.  Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me.  I am so much more than you can see.  I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for.  We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away.  You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid.  You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's.  I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have.  If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.

I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be?  Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out.  I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here.  I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.

Take care T, I am gone.  Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html

What is going on in the minds of young people today?

I got a disturbing phone call from my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this morning, and it again pointed me in the direction of what is wrong with our youth and young people today.  The other day's post was also from a young person (girl in that case) but these two topics have brought me full circle to a thought that has been going around in my head for several days. What is going on with the young people today? Why do they think that someone owes them something? Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain?  What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works?  I am going to attempt to explore all of this and a bit more in this article and you chime in and tell me if you agree/disagree or what your opinions are on this subject.  Keep in mind that I am writing this from my perspective, and from my own vast experiences dealing with a group of young African-American men in Atlanta and again in Florida before I moved to Atlanta.  I am coming from my past experiences and this has no reflection or bearing on individuals that I have been dealing with this year.  I will also explain why I have made this distinction and where my mind and heart is at in this entry.

It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of.  It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves.  In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together.  This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way.  But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work.  It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them.  Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this.  I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that.  I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean.  Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all.  They could be black, white, purple, green, red,  or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want.  They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there.  Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store.  I have seen it done.  I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that.  He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.

Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling.  They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive.  Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients.  How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot.  Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly.  Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies.  Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion.  Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally.  They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.

In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run.  Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on.  But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people.  Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught.  Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules.  I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about.  It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.

There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming.  Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way.  More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty.  Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security.  What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved.  I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing.  Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison.  What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.

Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets.  Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both.  They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in.  Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing.  There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors.  Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth.  Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay.  Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming.  But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.

Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well.  People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt.  I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female.  I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to.  He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle.  Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time.  However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him.  For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail.  During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy.  In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move.  The damage was done.

Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds.  He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us.  Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life.  I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people.  He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet.  What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen.  See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high.  His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.

I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences.  The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown.  The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you.  The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do?  You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on.  Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it.  Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction.  Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others.  It isn't going to be pretty!  But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling?  They are going to be affected by it too.

I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street.  I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year.  Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets.  As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand.  I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive.  I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down.  I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix.  I have been there experienced it and got out.

As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts.  I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own.  He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida.  However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs.  So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.

So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in.  They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown.  Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of.  Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that.  They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them.  Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first.  Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage.  They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them.  When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing.  What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena.  The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them.  Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.

Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it.  How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way.  But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.

I also want you to keep this in mind.  Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed.  But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness.  Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It really is surprising how many of my friends lives are stuck on Repeat!

You know I went back to Atlanta recently for a little visit.  I saw quite a few of my friends while I was up there and I was surprise at how many of them are still doing the same things they have been doing.  Of course this is really nothing new because for the most part every where I go I see old friends and acquaintances all doing the same things. When I go to Orlando I run into the same people that I knew from when I lived there 15 years ago at the bar and I wonder how and why they are still there.  At least I went away for a long time and came back.  I went to school and got 2 degrees, had a career and battled cancer.  These poor people are still hanging at the bar, doing the same thing, some of them actually do have jobs now and are doing something with their lives, but the majority of them are still not working, still hanging out, still getting high, drinking and not doing a damn thing with their lives.  First off I wonder how they can afford it,?Because I know I struggle and I make good money. So how can they still be doing the same thing after all these years?

Maybe this is just a phenomena in the gay community, and the drug community too which I used to be associated with.  Or maybe it is just the way I am looking at things.  But I often wonder how a friend of mine who I have known since he was twenty-four, is still bouncing around from place to place with no where to really call home, he is out every night chasing his high and looking for the next fix.  He is trading on his looks to get what he wants. So far it is working for him. But one day and probably pretty quickly that is all going to run out.  No one stays young forever, and what happens when people get tired of supporting your habits, and you crashing on their couch.  The community isn't that big that you aren't going to eventually wear out your welcome at all your friend's places.

What I have found out that these people are just stuck on repeat, they found something that works for them and they continue to do it. Unless something changes, and they are forced to make a change they are going to continue in the same pattern.  David Guetta is one of my favorite musicians right now and he has a song called "Repeat" and it sort of talks about this.  The bridge goes something like this "So go out and party, cause I'm just getting started And I'm dancing to a brand new beat Cause you're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat...So go out and party, like you're not broken-hearted Cause you'll always just be stuck on repeat Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat."

This song really speaks too me, it reminds me of my past. The days when I sat around getting high and following in my friends footsteps.  It also reminds me that a lot of my friends are stuck, they are in a rut and they cannot seem to break free from the hold that the drugs and alcohol has on them and their lives.  They are just stuck in repeat mode.  It is almost like watching a bad version of "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray repeats the same day over and over again.  How many of us get stuck by habits and bad choices, and we fall into a rut or pattern that we cannot break free of?  Honestly, I think a lot of us do.  We just learn how to hide it differently.  In last nights blog entry I talked about patterns and filters, and I again stress that all of our lives revolves around patterns.  That if we watch a person long enough we can see the pattern and can predict their actions based on that pattern.

I have a friend named Tony that is in Atlanta, he is stuck in a pattern, and is stuck on the streets of Atlanta, and I would do anything to help him get off those streets and help him change his life. Because years ago someone did that for me, helped me see that the self-destructive pattern my life was on and helped me see a different way of doing things and gave me the opportunity to change my life, and so I feel that I should repay that favor by paying it forward.  However, I have lost touch with my friend and have been unable to locate him.  Surprisingly I have gotten myself into a position where I am going out on my own and I will be in a better spot to help him.  I have another friend that I love with all of my heart, but unfortunately he is far away, I have offered to bring him here and help him face the medical needs that he is going to be going through soon.  He too is in a rut and a pattern.  Unfortunately, even though I know he loves me and cares about me his weighted down with what is happening too him and he has closed himself off from me and his other friends and there is nothing I can do.  I am being patient and waiting for him to reach out to me, but it is driving me crazy not hearing from him.  But I have to respect and understand what he is going through and since I know what he is facing, all I can do is wait here patiently and offer my support the only way he is allowing me at this point.  Both of these friend are in ruts and holding patterns and their life is on "repeat".

As you know I enjoy helping people and I do so by writing about my experiences and those of my friends, to try and help steer others from following in our footsteps and making the same mistakes we have made.  I don't judge and I try to be understanding. I understand the power of addiction and I have spent my time fighting it. I know how drugs and alcohol can hold us in the same spot, and we never move forward.  So here I am trying to help others recognize those patterns, realize that the drugs and other addictions we face are holding us back and keeping us from progressing and moving forward.

Trust me it isn't easy to get away from them. Addictions can be subtle and tricky things that manipulate us, they hold us back and we don't even realize that time is moving forward.  I hope that others can see what I am talking about and maybe realize that they have to do something to make a change so that they can break free of the rut that they are currently in.

I will write more on this subject and talk to you about how to break the cycle and the chains that hold us in our patterns, and how we can recognize when we are actually in a rut or pattern that is holding us still.

But for now, all I want you to do is realize that there are friends of yours and mine that are hopelessly stuck on repeat and we must help them to realize this.  We need to offer them the assistance and guidance they need to get their life back on track and break free of those chains that are binding them and keeping them stuck.  If we don't reach out and help them who will. Don't wait till it is too late and they are gone from our lives because they have over dosed or been locked up.  See them for the victims that they are and like the person from my past that looked beyond the addiction and the sex and really saw the real me and struggle to lift me out of my rut and pattern we need to do the same for others.  Don't judge them, be kind and understanding, see the real person, look at their heart and see the potential that is locked within struggling to find a break and get out of their situation and offer them a helping hand, with love.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B