Everything you said but didn't really mean

You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them.  You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come.  Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue.  You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared.  If you did you would be here.  You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others.  You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words.  This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.

Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me.  Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find.  I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care.  You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.

My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless.  Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end.  I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true.  Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing.  It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true.  I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster. 

I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away.  I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me.  Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need.  Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me.  Yet where are you now?  Not here!

You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds.  I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again.  I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this.  You have no respect for me, you  have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return.  Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and  I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have.  Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome?  NO.

I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind.  Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie.  I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that.  Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first.  You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me.  I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing.  Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out.  People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say.  I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.

The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you.  I don't know where that man went.  He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me.  He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse.  I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone?  A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other.  I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away.  Something that you have already done.  Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill.  You aren't here for me!

I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over.  There is nothing in Florida for me anymore. 

Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you.  My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend. 

Goodbye dear one, Good luck.

What is going on in the minds of young people today?

I got a disturbing phone call from my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this morning, and it again pointed me in the direction of what is wrong with our youth and young people today.  The other day's post was also from a young person (girl in that case) but these two topics have brought me full circle to a thought that has been going around in my head for several days. What is going on with the young people today? Why do they think that someone owes them something? Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain?  What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works?  I am going to attempt to explore all of this and a bit more in this article and you chime in and tell me if you agree/disagree or what your opinions are on this subject.  Keep in mind that I am writing this from my perspective, and from my own vast experiences dealing with a group of young African-American men in Atlanta and again in Florida before I moved to Atlanta.  I am coming from my past experiences and this has no reflection or bearing on individuals that I have been dealing with this year.  I will also explain why I have made this distinction and where my mind and heart is at in this entry.

It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of.  It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves.  In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together.  This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way.  But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work.  It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them.  Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this.  I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that.  I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean.  Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all.  They could be black, white, purple, green, red,  or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want.  They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there.  Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store.  I have seen it done.  I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that.  He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.

Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling.  They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive.  Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients.  How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot.  Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly.  Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies.  Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion.  Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally.  They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.

In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run.  Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on.  But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people.  Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught.  Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules.  I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about.  It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.

There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming.  Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way.  More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty.  Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security.  What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved.  I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing.  Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison.  What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.

Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets.  Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both.  They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in.  Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing.  There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors.  Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth.  Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay.  Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming.  But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.

Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well.  People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt.  I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female.  I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to.  He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle.  Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time.  However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him.  For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail.  During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy.  In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move.  The damage was done.

Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds.  He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us.  Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life.  I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people.  He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet.  What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen.  See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high.  His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.

I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences.  The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown.  The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you.  The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do?  You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on.  Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it.  Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction.  Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others.  It isn't going to be pretty!  But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling?  They are going to be affected by it too.

I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street.  I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year.  Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets.  As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand.  I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive.  I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down.  I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix.  I have been there experienced it and got out.

As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts.  I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own.  He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida.  However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs.  So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.

So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in.  They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown.  Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of.  Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that.  They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them.  Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first.  Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage.  They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them.  When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing.  What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena.  The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them.  Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.

Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it.  How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way.  But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.

I also want you to keep this in mind.  Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed.  But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness.  Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you heard of the saying "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true" ?

I am sure you have heard that saying sometime in your life.  I know I sure have, and it is funny that is something my best friend and I were talking about today on the phone.  See, in my believe structure, words have power, and when you say them you put their meaning into action in not only the physical plane of existence but in the spiritual plane as well.  I am a Christian based Wiccan, I teach how both of the religions correlate to one another and how to use the teachings of both to lead not only a fulfilling but also a rewarding life as well.  In the Wiccan religion it is believed that anything you say or do that is of negative consequence will come back on you seven fold.  Now, to understand the law of retribution you might want to think of it in the terms of Karma.  What comes around goes around, as they say.  The law of retribution states that whatever you do to another comes back to you seven times greater than what you did to them.  So you basically have to pay the price seven fold.  This is huge, and people wonder why they have long streaks of bad luck, injury or illness.  It is because of the negative things that we put out into the world.

Eastern philosophy calls this Karma, that the wrongs you do to another, or on the earth or to another creature of the earth come back to you when you least expect it too.  So for example if you were mean to someone in high school, you might not reap the damages you inflicted till years later.  Karma is something that they believe is built up over time and comes back to bite you when it is appropriate.  Well, the law of retribution is very similar, except we believe that whatever you have put out whether good or bad will come back to you, but in different increments.  Negative thoughts and energy comes back seven fold, where positive energy and thoughts come back ten fold.  It can be immediate or gradual in response to whatever you have put out there.

Swami Sivanada sums it up nicely for me "Every wrong action or crime brings its own punishment, in accordance with the law of retribution. The law of causation, the law of action and reaction, the law of compensation and the law of retribution-all these operate together. He who robs another man robs himself. He who hurts another man hurts himself first. He who cheats another cheats himself first. Every wrong action causes punishment first in the inner nature or soul and externally in circumstances in the form of pain, misery, loss, failure, misfortune, disease, etc."  Think of it this way, for every thought or word that you think or utter in anger towards another person is like you are cursing them. You need to take it out of the law of cause and effect, which you can simply do by stating you take it out of the law directly after you speak the words, or think the thoughts.  The best thing to try and do is change the way you think and handle conflict because you never want your own wrath coming back upon yourself. 

Honestly life is too short for you to go around having bad Karma, bad JooJoo or whatever you want to call it.  Because trust me everything comes back on you, and you don't want all of that negativity coming back at you.  Each of us must face the consequences of our actions, decisions, words, and of course what we do to other people.  What I am hoping you will learn is that you can avoid a lot of pain and anguish on yourself if you treat everyone with kindness and love. You might even be pleasantly surprised, that what you get back is going to be much of the same.  See whatever we give out to others, is exactly what we are going to receive back to ourselves.  Keep that in mind the next time you want to loose your temper and swear at someone or tell them that you wish they were dead.  See those exact words have power, and whatever you think and put energy into will become manifest.  In effect you are cursing not only that person but yourself at the same time.  Though you might feel better in the short term, trust and believe that it is going to come back and bite you in the ass sooner or later.  

I have told you many times in the past that if you put forth positive energy you are going to get more positive back, the same goes with love, kindness, generosity and caring.  These are all things that come from the heart and are forms of positive energy. Remember that like attracts like in the spiritual world and what manifest in the spiritual world also manifest in the physical world as well.  In the blog entries I wrote back in April about meditation and creative visualization, I explained a lot of this. I also talked to you about how to ground and center yourself. If you want to protect yourself from other peoples negativity, use visualization.  Visualize yourself being surrounded from head to toe with white light, this will re-enforce the shielding of your body and repel any negativity that is around you.  As the day wears on you might feel that you are being weighed down with negativity and negative energy, when this happens ground yourself.  Which is simply envisioning the suns energy coming down through the top of your head and flowing through your body down to your feet and out into the ground. This will take that negative energy and shunt it to the earth which is our natural ground.

I have even in the past given you examples of how I start my day with a positive mental attitude and how it protects me throughout the day.  It simply a matter of giving thanks for the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me during my life. I do this every morning when I get up and meditate. This sets my mental activity for the day. When you are thinking only about the positive things that have happened to you how can anything negative get in to bug you?  Good question huh?  Another thing that I like to do when some issue or problem is weighing on my heart and mind. I like to write about it. I find it cathartic to write, it takes whatever it is and gets it out of my system.  If it is some kind of issue that I need help and resolution on. I take it with me in prayer at night and I lay those problems at the feet of the Lord.  How I accomplish that is I usually write what has been bothering me or whatever the issue or situation is that I need answered and I take that slip of paper once it is written on, pray about it an then fold that paper and put it in a shoe box and leave it there. That is symbolic to me of leaving it at the feet of Jesus, because once it is on that paper and in that box, I forget about it. I know in my heart that the answer is going to come and I am going to have that prayer answered.

When I left Atlanta in February, I created a box, which I called my prayer box when I got to my father's house. I kept it in the closet.  Every time I had an issue or prayer request or had something that I was worrying about I would write it down and I would put it in that box.  I would leave it there and try never to think about it again. When I moved out of my dad's place, my stepmother and I found the box in my things and we sat down and read through each and every slip of paper I had put in the box.  Guess what, over the 8 months that I had lived with them every single one of those prayers was answered.  Something else that I do and it is just my personal preference, I also put my goals and dreams and desires into that box as well. I pray about them of course and sure enough they too were answered and I was greatly impressed at how God had blessed me and favored me with all those answered prayers in such a short time.

Try it out I think you will find that it will work for you the same way.  Now that I am in my new home I am going to prepare a new box and do the same thing.  But I can tell you that already my prayers are being answered one by one.  My best friend in North Carolina made it home safely and started classes, that was a big prayer and worry that was on my mind and like I said I spoke with him tonight and things are starting to turn around for him.  I also spoke with my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this evening and he told me that he has some furniture for me. I need to find a way to get down there and pick it up, but he has a king size bed and a dresser and a sofa for me.  That is right my prayer from over the weekend has already been answered and I have the beginnings of new furniture and a new home all to myself.  Thanks and Glory be to God for that He is really working in my life and making things happen.

The last thing I want to talk to you about is a state of consciousness or enlightenment called Ka'thulu.  This is a thing that I read about a very long time ago it was in a book called White Magic by Marina Medici.  This state of enlightenment is a level that when reached ever single thing that we say comes to pass.  Jesus was in that state, everything He uttered happened, and each of us has the potential to reach that state as well.  I can tell you I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of some of my friends.  Be careful of the words you speak they have power, they have life and can cause great harm or great good depending on how they are used and uttered.

Keep walking the philosophers path with me and you will come to see what I am talking about.  Also keep in mind that whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve.  It is very important to understand that what you visualize will manifest not only on the spiritual plane, but once that seed is planted there it will manifest in the physical world as well.  Visualization and words of power are very powerful and tricky tools that are given to us to use to benefit the world and mankind.  Be careful not to abuse them, and beware of the dangers of unguarded use. Remember whatever we put out there will come back to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Break Free from your past to Victory!

Everyone of us has a past, that is a fact! For that matter you have some people that are running from theirs or are trying to escape it.  Then you have the flip side that don't have, shall we say, such a checkered or troubled past, just ordinary so too speak. No matter what the deal is with your past there are some things you need to be aware of when trying to start a new chapter of your life.  When I am talking about a new chapter that could be any number of things from new relationship, new job, new friends or organizations, seriously anything.

First thing you have to remember is the past is behind you, it is what you have done. It is what you know and in retrospect it is 20/20. Meaning you can see it perfectly.  Next thing you have to remember is that the past is immutable and unchangeable, it cannot be reworked or rewritten.  The unfortunate thing is it is the gauge upon which most people measure their future happiness and direction from.  The problem with that is we have a tendency as human's to rationalize and objectify past relationships.  This can greatly interfere with starting a new one, but we will cover that later on.  The third thing is there is a reason why it is called a past.  Seasons change, people grow and behaviors  that once were prevelant mutate or morph as we grow and learn.  Fourth, as we grow, learn and change a learned habit or behavior has changed, morphed or was left behind for a reason.  Look closely why you stopped doing something, carefully because you may find there was a reason or motivating factor that brought on the change, and guess what that reason is probably still there. Fifth, it is impossible to go back and recreate certain likable aspects of your past because no two moments, situations or people are ever going to be the same and you run the risk of destroying the tenuous path you built to lead your forward.  Sixth, you cannot live in the past! Time, circumstances, situations, players will change of course they have too. As was stated earlier no two moments will ever be exactly the same. Plus, trying to stay in the past hinders you from ever moving forward.  Past drama and baggage will surely trip you up and weigh you down.  That added weight clouds your judgement and impairs your vision.  It is sad but true for every new beginning there has to be an ending.  Accept that and move one.  Leave the past where it is. A good rule of thumb to consider how far forward can you possibly move if you are looking backward?  If you're fixated on your past you will be rooted where you are at and cannot move anywhere. If you aren't moving you become stagnate.  You cannot learn, you cannot grow and further yet you cannot experience anything.  Take it as a sign the past is a dead end, a road once traveled that has reached an end. Learn from it, use as a map or blueprint, a learning tool, for where to place your feet on the road ahead.  Look at the past pitfalls, potholes, detours and signposts so you don't run afoul, but keep it moving forward.  In other words, use it as a guide, learn from your mistakes, forgive what has come before, but don't forget lest you repeat them and crash.

Along with everyone's past comes a whole host of things. For one thing there are rewards and consequences for the choices you have made. It is unfortunate that not all actions and consequences are immediate.  Some things are slow and creep up on you, and you have to be ready to answer or atone for them.   Trust me everyone's past come back to bite them in the end.  You cannot change or avoid them forever.  For those that have a bad or checkered past you may never truly escape the judgement's and persecution that haunt you for what you have done.  It may even be impossible to return to the place of your past and ever succeed.  You might very well find your forward path is blocked and forever closed.  An example if you will. A friend of mine has tried so hard to make a positive change in his life. He has left Atlanta and returned home to regroup, retool and hone his skills and focus.  On several occasions has tried to return to Atlanta and has been unsuccessful thus far.  Now, background  and insight, though he has gone home, taken advice and has launched a very successful career.  He is human and has made some fatal mistakes at each and every possible return.  Let's look closely at the situation, careful to observe and understand then we will tell you how all of this can be changed for his benefit.  Over the past eight years or so my friend entered deeper and deeper into the drug culture of Atlanta, the party circuit, that I myself was a major player and purveyor of.  He built a reputation of being belligerent, violent, stubborn, weird and psychotic at times.  Rumors, innuendo, and tales of his exploits soon preceded him every where he went.  His reputation became one of that of a thief, a liar, a cheat. He fed into that with his temper time and time again, fights would occur  people got hurt, police had to be involved, etc.  Once a reputation precedes you it is very hard to change people's opinions and minds.  Innocent gestures, meaningless actions are silenced by the deafening roar of the past.  You're discounted as having changed before you can even demonstrate you have.  Nothing you say will be heard only dismissed out of hand, it seems pointless and frustrating. How can you change all of that?

How can you stage a return? Become triumphant? And demonstrate you have indeed changed?  The answer is simple really, you must first understand what you are up against.  Really open yourself up, search deep within yourself. Be brutally honest, understand and acknowledge your past. Be willing and able to reap what you have sown, be strong enough to weather the coming storm, because it will come! You must realign your life toward your focus and your goals.  Then you must shift your life 180 degrees, what once was in the open now becomes guarded and private.  You must change your habits, your friends. You must be selective and choose who and what you allow to be near to you.  You must let your work, deeds and actions speak for themselves. Become almost reclusive and secretive. Create and air of mystery, never showing weakness or lack of focus.  Change your routine, and if you can openly embrace the tide of skepticism, innuendo, show strength of purpose, passion and conviction in the face of detractors and doubts.  If you can break those habits that people expect to see, and if you can't then hid them so well that no one will ever see.  In order to break the past you mush show or project a clean break. I am fond of saying a change of scenery and friends maybe what it takes. You create a new persona, a public face that is what everyone will see, you guard that jealously and protect it at all costs.  This is what you will become.  Turn away those that would tear you down. Cut them from you. You must maintain at all times a united unbreakable front. Let your passions and actions be your words, your platform.

Those from your past will talk, they will jeer and try to bring you down. You must become the master of spin and damage control. Negative publicity can always be turned around and spun to have a positive light. Embrace your past, acknowledge your failings, but show you have risen above them, defeated them and have made a change.  Don't run from those things make them work for you!  Remember everyone is a sucker for a hard luck story, people always root for the underdog.  Your career must take precedence, you must curb your personal feelings and your inner need for gratification, turn your addictions into the drive and motivation you need to propel you forward.  Never forget where you came from but keep it moving forward.  Give back to the community be charitable and comfortable to acknowledge what you have come through. Show how you rose above what you were and how you triumphed over it. Own it, rule it, once you can do that, it can no longer hurt you.  Be candid and open, know in your heart that once it is out there under the spotlight of public life and the intense scrutiny that will follow that it can no longer hurt you, it could possibly benefit you in the long run.  Remember that in darkness and shadow deceit and misconceptions grow, and from that darkness can erupt a tidal wave of past misconduct that can pull you under if you aren't ready. Live in the light and keep it right and you will have nothing to fear!  You must be brave and suppress your insecurities, because those are the two biggest things that will hold you back and keep you from taking the risks necessary to carry you to the next level.

So what have we learned?  How can we be triumphant and dispel the myths, misconceptions, preconceived notions that linger from our checkered past? That to move forward we must make a change, understand that our entire life is up for scrutiny and review. Create a public facade that you want the world to see. Break the mold and the habits that hold you in place. Admit your faults, embrace your differences. Become focused on your career and goals, change those you hang with. Be compassionate with your detractors, show how you rose above your addictions and limitations, cast them in the light of victory. Show how you beat the odds that were stacked against you and that you truly have learned from your past.  Be a role model, give hope, courage and love through example. Actions speak louder than words! Remember your roots and be gracious. Put everything in the light keep nothing hidden.  Keep it moving forward, be guarded and careful of who you let into circle.  Do what you do! Be who you are and you can't fail.  Make sure your goals are attainable and reachable. Be a leader not a follower.  Know your voice and your message, defend those who can't defend themselves, embrace and be passionate about a cause that is greater than yourself. You are a champion, you have overcome and demonstrated it at every turn.  Be fierce and proud, don't be afraid to speak out loud!

You will know beyond a shadow of doubt that you have then made the transition, you have become that public face.  Never run from your past because you can never out run it. You can never hide from it either.  Remember "What's mead to be will always find its way" be up for the challenge, regard the fates the sisters three: Fate, Karma and Destiny. They weave the tapestry of life, be careful because at a whim they just may snip your thread and end your career. "Into the light Carol-Anne" let the world see how triumphant and successful you can be.  Reward yourself, be honest to your self and your cause. Watch and see how easy it can be!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is Creative Visualization and how can it help you?

I am about to embark on a series of posts that should be helpful and enlightening and if you have faith and an open mind will help you in achieving your goals, desires. Allowing you to receive blessings and start you on a greater spiritual path toward knowing and understanding God, Nature, the human body, meditation and prayer, as well as different planes or levels of existence. So lend me an ear, open your mind and enjoy the read.

This first entry is a very simplistic overview of Creative Visualization, each entry after this will build upon this first one and by the end you should have a firm understanding of Visualization, meditation, grounding, manifesting and all the parts in between. As always your feedback and comments are appreciated and solicited.  Feel free to ask any questions and remember I am here for you.  I can be reached directly through the blog page, or via email at bryanzepp@gmail.com or on Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan_zepp2.

Let us get started with the overview.  Salt-n-Pepa sang a song called the "I Am the Body Beautiful" which was featured in the movie "To Wong Fu - Thanks for everything Julie Newmar", this song is where we are going to start our series.  They sang "whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve" and it is absolutely true.

You may be wondering how this can be manifested in your own daily life, which is where our entry here will attempt to explain and as we go forward teach you how to make it an automatic and a constant experience that will enrich and enhance your life. I need to explain that the human body has 3 distinct aspects that act and operate on different levels of consciousness.

                                 1. The Mind
                                 2. The Body
                                 3. The Soul

Together these components make up the Spiritual Body. Each part of the spiritual body then acts on different levels or planes of existence.  These planes of existence are:

                                1.  The Etheric or Astral Plane ( also known as the Divine or Holy Plane)
                                2.   The Physical Plane
                                3.   The Elemental Plane

Let me digress here for a minute to give you a little brief overview of these planes and attempt to explain how they work.  First I want to talk about the etheric plane or astral plane, it is also known as the place of dreams the ethereal realm, and in metaphysical terms the place where Heaven and the Angels reside.  It is also the plane of existence that our unconscious mind travels when we are deep in sleep or when in a meditative state.  The physical plane is what we know and count as reality.  This plane is governed by the physical laws of nature and science and of course life.  This is also the plane where creative visualization manifests its results. (More on that later in the series)  The elemental plane is the plane where the elements reside, it is also where the life energy resides that flows.  This energy actually transcends all planes and if found in every living thing on Earth.  It is commonly referred to as the "Godhead" or "Spark of Life", and it is where the energy of the Divine instills in us the gift of life and provides the power for our bodies.  It is also the enduring force that Albert Einstein describes in his theory of Relativity.  The theory states energy cannot be destroyed, it can only be manipulated, converted and changed and is represented by the formula E=MC Squared.

As we get further in the series more information will be discussed in greater detail and explain different aspects of them and how they correlate to the 3 different aspects of the spiritual body.  But for right now I want to delve into the tenant of  "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, you will achieve." Is true and how you can accomplish some amazing things in your daily life. There are some factors that need to be reached before you can achieve your hearts desire.

In order to achieving or manifesting a desire or reach a goal, a few things must first take place.  Probably first and foremost is that the union of the aspects of the spiritual body must be aligned, balanced and in harmony with each other. This is a critical understanding point in order to achieve and receive the end result or desired outcome of any situation the mind, body and spirit must be in total harmony and balance. When I talk about alignment and harmony I am speaking that these aspects must work together and be perfectly blended or united.

But how do you harmonize or align your mind? This is where we are going to start because I think this may possibly be the hardest aspect to align and focus.  Now when I use the words align and focus, what am I actually talking about?  The idea is this we need to free our minds of any and all distractions and we must remove all doubt, any emotions need to be focused and grounded (grounding is a technique for eliminating negative energy and focusing of our will and thoughts, more will be discussed in the next entry about grounding).  When we are grounded and focused our minds are free from doubt, distraction, positively energized, and focused toward a single purpose.  At this point all I am wanting you to understand is that when your mind is focused to a singularity of purpose it can align with the body your desire or goal or dream is imprinted or planted on the astral or ethreal plane, because this is where the mind operates and influences.

The Body which dwells and operates on the physical plane and reality harmonizes with the mind and aligns through strong emotion or desire which strengthens the imprint  and starts the manifestation process.  Which incorporating the Spirit through mediation and focus provides the rest of the power needed to manifest your desire or goal from the etheric plane to the physical plane thus bring about the desired end goal or achievement.   Remember that this is a very simplistic overview of the process.

I do want to take another moment here now that I am at the end of the overview to state that different cultures and beliefs reach unity or harmony in many different ways, spiritualists use grounding and mediation, christian's use singing and prayer, where Buddists and Hindu's utilize chanting and prayer with the lighting of incense to direct their inner focus.  However, the end result is the same turning and inner concept, idea, desire, vision or goal and bringing from within to without by manifestation and visualization...all of which is accomplished by the total aligning of the 3 aspects of the spiritual body: The Mind, Body and Soul.  Reaching a state of singularity of purpose and total harmony, fueled by desire or strong emotion and infused and powered by divine energy that comes from the spirit.  Always remember that whatever your mind can conceive and believe, you will achieve! Further when you set your mind to something you will get it.  Even the Bible states that "whatsoever you ask shall be given unto you".  However, I must caution you at this point that another adage also holds true "Be careful what you wish for you just might get it."

Be safe and like I told you earlier write to me let me know what you think and if this has helped you in any way.   If nothing else maybe my own personal quote will help some of you "Anything is possible in this world, if we only strive for perfection one day at a time."  Do me a favor and take sometime to smell the roses, appreciate nature and those around you.  And as we get even closer to Mother's Day please take time to acknowledge your mother or another special woman in your life and tell them how much you appreciate them and love them.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are your thoughts on Gay Marriage?

So tell me what your thoughts are on Gay Marriage? Because this morning when I opened up the paper it appeared to me that the President had weighed in finally on this subject.  This is a debate and an issue that has been bouncing around for years.  Every party skating the issue or just giving lip service when appropriate and today's announcement seems to be doing exactly the same.  The statement was issued by the President the day before he was supposed to meet with the wealthy, outspoken activists of Hollywood.  A political fundraiser that became an open lottery for two lucky individuals to attend and spend an evening with the President at George Clooney's house.  Anyone who wanted to attend could go online and donate 3 dollars to the presidental re-election campaign and would automatically be entered in the drawing.  Now, this was a clever marketing ploy and for two very lucky individuals they will get to go.  The money from everyone else will be put in the re-election fund of the president.

My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman.  I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage.  You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.

Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love.  I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life.  Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +.  By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry.  You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time.  Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage.  The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family.  Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with.  Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages.  I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.

It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves.  Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state.  However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults.  Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity.  Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc.  so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:?   Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name.  A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America.  A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.

I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought.  I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate.  Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action.  Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life.  Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state.  Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot.  It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution.  With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined.  Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal".  This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom".  Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.

So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?

As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions.  I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog.  Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there.  If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know.  You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com

All My hopes,
B

Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley

Have you ever been intimidated or scared by someone?

Depending on who you are I would say that each and everyone of us has been scared, intimidated, bullied by someone in our life.  What did you do? Did you confront the person? Live with it? Or did you fight back in someway.  The topic of bullying has been in the media so much lately, there are commercials, there are pro-athletes and movie stars, singers and common everyday people speaking out against bullying and encouraging each of us to do our part to put a stop to it.

Here is the problem with these media campaigns they all assume that someone is witnessing the event taking place.  But what happens when you are all alone and you are caught by someone who is bullying you? How are you going to handle the immediate situation? What are you going to do?

Another problem is what exactly do we consider bullying? A bully uses intimidation, physical force, maybe emotional abuse and guilt to try and make another person do something or control them in some way.  Bullying is unpredictable, you never know how the situation is going to turn out.

These are my thoughts on the matter: No matter what the situation is or how scared you are. You must keep moving, try not to say anything and if they want something, give it to them.  My philosophy here is that retreat and personal safety are the better part of valor.  Keep your head down, try not to speak back and make the situation worse.  Once you are safely out of the situation you need to find the nearest adult or person in authority like a police officer, security guard, parking attendant, etc.  You need to let someone know what has happened and give as much information as you can to what the situation was about.  Now, in a dangerous situation you are going to be scared, you are going to panic, and you are going to want to get away from the situation as soon as possible.  But remember the more information you can give the authorities the better the chance that they will be able to find the person and deal with the situation.

You might even be bullied in your relationship, it definitely is easy to loose your sense of self when you are in a relationship and it is easy for your partner to manipulate you and put you down, make you feel inferior, This is a form of emotional abuse and you don't deserve to be treated that way.  Each of us deserves to be treated with love and respect.  But what will you do if you are in a situation that you cannot seem to get out of. Your mate is abusive, bullying, and keeps you always down. You need to realize that this is happening to you and you need to find inside yourself the strength to get away from that person.  You should remember that if this person is not helping you to get to the next station in your life, they are holding you back they are keeping you down, they really don't care about you, find help, confide in a friend, do something.  Doing nothing just strengthens the other persons hold on you and keeps you from moving forward.

Ut is everyone's responsibility to speak out, let someone know what has happened or is happening.  If we don't all do our part, how can we expect this issue to be resolved. Teachers and security guards cannot be everywhere, if you see something transpiring at school or on the street find someone of authority, strength is in numbers. Don't try to intervene yourself if you see that the situation could potentially become dangerous.

Many times if a person is bullying you it because you have something they want, or they are trying to impress someone or they are just compensating for some sort of abuse or they are trying to manipulate you into doing something that they want.  If you can get a person talking and can find out what the situation is all about so much the better, but the idea is to not get hurt and not put yourself at risk. The authorities will have to investigate and find out what the root cause of the problem is.

If you are a bully, what is it that is causing you to lash out and hurt others.  Why are you trying to make someone as miserable as yourself. If you are being abused at home or whatever your situation you need to let someone know what is going on. They can help you, get you help and stop the abuse.  Put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Try to understand that you are hurting someone, you are intimidating them, and embarrassing them.  None of us like to feel threatened, scared, intimidated, embarrassed, humiliated.  So treat others like you want to be treated. Remember that everything thing we do in this life has direct and severe consequences.  Karma is a Biotch and is something that you don't want to have come at you in a negative fashion.  Just remember that what comes around goes around.  In either situation whether you are the victim or the bully. Whatever you give out will come back. If you talk about another person in a negative way you are actually cursing the person.  Remember what I told you in my earlier post about the law of attraction?  In the terms of metaphysic energy remember that like energy draws more of the same. Positive positive and negative negative.  Now let me tell you something else that falls in the same category as the above law.  In our physical world we are taught about the law of cause and effect.

Physics teach us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Using this law anything we say or do would put this law into motion.  So if you think or speak something badly about a person you have actually cursed that person and put this law into full action.  What you may not be aware of is this if you put out good into this law you will get three-fold back, but if you put negative or bad out there you get ten-fold back this is the law of cause and effect and karma coming back at you. So please be careful with what you do, what you think, how you act, react and treat others because you are going to reap what you sow, and what comes around goes around.  Karma is an unforgiving mistress and will pay you back in kind when you are least expecting it.

So what have I been trying to tell you...Think before you act, curb your tongue, keep your head down, and if you are in a confrontational situation, do what you have to so you don't physically get hurt.  As soon as you get clear of the situation, let someone know, do something, you don't want someone else having to go through what you just went through. Try to remember as much from the encounter as you can and pass that on to others.

Treat everyone the way you want to be treated, love one another, and smile...You will get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.   If we could all live by this philosophy the world would be a much better and happier place.

As always...let me know what you think and get back to me...

Uncle B