Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

6th of October

After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding.  I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind.  I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react.  See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone.  What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having.  I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.

My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all.  I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him.  Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month.  That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point.  Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under.  I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out.  Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either.  I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.

I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month.  I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month.  On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.

I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them.  I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated.  It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most.  I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things.  By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken.  See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me.  See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good.  I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own.  Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.

My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do.  I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned.  With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life.  Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks.  I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight.  You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live.  It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself.  I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled.  So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul.  See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued.  So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.

Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs.  But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning?  Still I don't have an answer to those questions.  I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors.  I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me.  I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it.  I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.

Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with.  You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again.  I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth.  I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now.  Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.

I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing.  I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him.  I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything.  See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy.  I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest.  There is much more going on between us.

Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change.  I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him.  I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him.  Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone.  I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better.  Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.

All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night.  I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit.  I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth.  I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives.  See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing.  So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.

I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned.  What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned.  Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away.  God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it.  I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else.  I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide.  That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.

Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people

Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me.  Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires.  I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships.  My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing.  Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help.  But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life.  Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today.  I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.

I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey.  Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama.  See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems.  If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them.  Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.

I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income.  Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it.  I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.

If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy.  I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean.  I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things.  Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out.  Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.

I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time.  Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore.  I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.

But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of.  I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was.  Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here.  I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to.  She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true.  Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it.  What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing.  I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.

My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.

I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way.  My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs.  Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament.  Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing.  But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you.  That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.

I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then.  Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear  it.

I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write.  I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at.  I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day.  But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet.  But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.

So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on.  Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.

All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life.  Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them.  Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!

I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all.  But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself.  It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone.  What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole.  Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.

Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them.  Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up.  I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.

There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen.  You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction.  Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life.  First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix.  Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together.  Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things.  That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things.  Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine.  But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.

You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears?  You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken.  It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out.  You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.

Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin.  I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it.  I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt.  Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface.  But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing.  It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself.  Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back.  I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship.  I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.

It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships.  We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression.  I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations".  The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.

No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself.  I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job.  You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive.  But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.

I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time.  One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to."  You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things.  You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family.  Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success.  I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams.  Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby.  She had almost forgot her dream.  She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from.  She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up.   You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.

I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this.  You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there.  If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will.  You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are your thoughts on Gay Marriage?

So tell me what your thoughts are on Gay Marriage? Because this morning when I opened up the paper it appeared to me that the President had weighed in finally on this subject.  This is a debate and an issue that has been bouncing around for years.  Every party skating the issue or just giving lip service when appropriate and today's announcement seems to be doing exactly the same.  The statement was issued by the President the day before he was supposed to meet with the wealthy, outspoken activists of Hollywood.  A political fundraiser that became an open lottery for two lucky individuals to attend and spend an evening with the President at George Clooney's house.  Anyone who wanted to attend could go online and donate 3 dollars to the presidental re-election campaign and would automatically be entered in the drawing.  Now, this was a clever marketing ploy and for two very lucky individuals they will get to go.  The money from everyone else will be put in the re-election fund of the president.

My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman.  I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage.  You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.

Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love.  I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life.  Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +.  By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry.  You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time.  Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage.  The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family.  Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with.  Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages.  I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.

It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves.  Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state.  However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults.  Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity.  Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc.  so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:?   Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name.  A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America.  A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.

I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought.  I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate.  Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action.  Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life.  Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state.  Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot.  It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution.  With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined.  Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal".  This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom".  Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.

So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?

As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions.  I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog.  Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there.  If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know.  You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com

All My hopes,
B

Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley