No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.

Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.

At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.

I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

When time stands still

Years ago I talked to you about time. How I believe that time is a man made device that regulates our lives and makes us into a frenzied mess. However yesterday I was thinking about certain times that time seems to stand still for us under certain circumstances.

For those who are incarcerated time takes on a different meaning. While you are in jail time becomes leaden and flows at a much slower pace. While in jail life continues on the outside at a regular normal pace.

Another time that time seems to take on a different feel and flow is when you move to a new place or state. With that change comes a new feel of anticipation as you explore your new surroundings. I would suppose any type of travel would tend to elicit a similar type of feeling.

Separation from loved ones effects both our feelings of loneliness and our longing for the parting to end. Time feels like it literally comes to a halt. Hospitalizations often feels like you are locked up in jail though the circumstances are definitely different in just about every single way imaginable.

As I have gotten older the fluid March of time hasn't increased but days, weeks, months and even years seem to fly by faster now than they ever did when I was younger. It also seems like I could fit more into my day back then better than I can now.

So if time which is measured by ticks on a clock how does this feeling of acceleration actually take place. Possibly it is through the lenses in which we view time from or just the perspective we look at our life by.  Or even better yet time could be limited by our focus and attention span.

I believe that our mind is what perceives the flow of time and time itself actually never changes. If you don't believe me think long and hard on this. Or just wait a few years and you will be surprised at what you might feel then.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much, Laugh often.

Uncle B

Have you ever done something that hurt someone else but you didn't mean for it too?

I am sure we all have done something at one point in our lives or another that has hurt another individual but that wasn't the original intention behind the action.  So what do you do to make the situation better?  Honestly there may not be anything that you can do. The damage is done, the person's feeling are hurt, they feel betrayed, and their fragile trust has been injured or possibly even broken.  So how do you proceed and act?  The simple answer here is you might have to abide by their wishes and take a break from them and the situation for a little while. Give them a chance for the wounds to heal before you try and approach them again.  Because no matter what you do or say to mend the situation may just probably end up making it a lot worse.  I am sure that we have addressed something along these lines before.  Remember when a person is feeling hurt and vulnerable nothing you say or can do is ever going to be heard by that person. They are so focused on the pain of the incident that the extraneous information you are trying to rationalize or justify the action with is lost totally on them and they don't care. All they feel is the slight and hurt that has wounded them.

In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation.  However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally.  They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident.  Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms.  We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road.  Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times.  Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.

I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you.  As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal.  Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow.  So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened.  Time is the only true cure that can help someone.  Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.

Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time.  Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not.  They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them.  When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe.  You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too.  But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through.  Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt.  Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual.  Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.

Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended .  No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends.  Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint.  Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend.  Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends.  No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.

Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.

Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever.  Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall.  But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up.  Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Here's the thing about Life! No two people are going to act or react the same way!..it's impossible!

Since I am in a mood that has lasted a little over a week now, and I have expressed it in several different ways trying to clear it totally from my system, it dawned on me that I have been talking a great deal about life.  But, there are some things about life that aren't always easy to pin down, they are unexpected and therefore cause us to re-evaluate our positions.  The thing that I learned about life is that yes it is a journey, it is comprised of decisions, and the consequences of those decisions, it is also about choices and the options that we choose as well.  I have often told you that we are molded and are an accumulation of those same things, but we have also in our discussions in the past expanded that mold to include our experiences, relationships and environment.  Now with all of that being said we need to talk about the experiences, the relationships that also include our friendships, and the environment in which all of this takes place.  Oh, and I cannot forget our own built in filters, these are our earlier developmental experiences which we use to focus and color our experiences, it is also the key to our perception of things.

See in life our perception of things are what differentiate us from others, it is the filters that we employ to deal with the issues and circumstances we find ourselves in.  It is also why two people can live the same experience and be in the same situation, yet have totally different recollections of the event.  I know we talked about this in an earlier blog entry but something is telling me that it needs to be addressed again and maybe explained a little differently.  Life doesn't break down into nice neat little packages, it comes on strong and fast, it is reckless and chaotic, full of disorder and did I mention that it isn't black and white but technocolor? See life is messy and full of challenges, it throws hurtles at us, and gives us a variety of options when we are confronted with a problem.  Most of us never learn to change our perspective and we tackle each problem exactly the same way.  Herein lies the problem, if we never change our perspective, which means trying to look at a problem or situation from every possible angle, we aren't actually seeing or comprehending all the possible solutions to that issue or problem. Life is colorful, full of excitement and passion, it hardly ever is just plain black and white.  There are always variations of color somewhere in the mix.

A problem that I have been hearing a great deal about recently is about how people aren't acting in ways that are expected.  An example of this is a friend of mine in Ft. Lauderdale has a boyfriend who was recently incarcerated for possession of Meth.  Now, in Florida like Georgia this is a serious crime and they have a tendency to throw the book at offenders.  My friend was in the hospital the night his boyfriend was arrested. As a matter of fact he had been admitted and had been in there for 3 days by the time the unfortunate event took place.  It took my friend a day or two of scrounging and searching before he could come up with a way to bond out his boyfriend.  But in the long run he found a bondsman that was willing to take the bond and accept the amount that my friend was able to raise which was 10 percent of the bond.  Now mind you I was being driven crazy because I was on the phone with my friend constantly through this whole ordeal, and when the boyfriend was released from jail on bond, my friend waited and waited for him to come home.  Well guess what he didn't and three days later my friend still hadn't heard anything from him.  Then around 9 pm last night the doorbell rang, my friend was so excited because he thought for sure that his boyfriend had finally made it home.  But guess what it was a friend of his boyfriend's come by to collect his wallet.  Of course my friend was devastated and angry. He of course had every right to be, and didn't surrender the wallet.  But he did give the guy the bond paper that showed who had actually bonded him out.

The long and the short of it I was called and told what had happened.  I counselled my friend to curb his anger and divorce his feelings from the situation because he didn't know the whole story and only had speculation at this point as to what was going on in his boyfriends mind.  I warned that if he didn't separate his feelings from this situation he would act out of emotion and make the wrong decision, and once that was done the relationship might be forever damaged and couldn't be repaired.  I am glad that my advice was taken because at 3 in the morning the boyfriend finally made it home and they began to talk and a new side of the story was revealed.  Now the reason why I am telling you this is because not everything is black and white. It isn't always simple cut and dry, there are variations and other players that might be involved in any situation. You cannot go half-cocked into a fight because you need to have all the facts in order to mount a successful offense or defense which ever the case maybe.  See, life isn't easy, there is always more to a story then we know, and it is our place to try and get as much of the information together before we react.  Sometimes this means that we have to put ourselves in another persons shoes so to speak and try and picture the issue or situation from their view point.  I would also recommend that you try to look at it from every possible angle, because there is still more options available, if we just shift our perception a little bit and come at it from a totally different direction.  Sometimes that means looking at it from a different persons perspective, or it could me divorcing our emotions and feelings from the subject.  Or we try to look at it from an outsiders point of view.  Whatever the scenario there are always multiple ways to look at each situation that we encounter.  By accomplishing this portion you have removed your filters somewhat and have tried to picture the situation from every possible angle.  But remember our filters are ingrained from childhood and cannot totally be separated from us.  It is just a plain fact.

Next we need to look at the environment in which we find ourselves during the said event or issue, because that is going to play into all of this as well.  Location, who is with us, what we were in the process of doing, all of these things go into the creation of the environment.  This is also where we find the obstacles or hurtles that life has thrown in our path. The same scenario above would have played out much differently if it had happened in Atlanta where my friend and I have a lot more friends and a larger support network besides just the two of us.  See, if we had been in Atlanta and our network of friends would have been involved there would have been hundreds of different inputs thrown into the mix and much more color added.  By color I guess I am talking about drama, other peoples opinions and suggestions.  Environment is not only location, but what we are doing and who we are with and who we include into the situation.  It also includes their advice, opinions and unfortunately their emotional input to the situation as well. Thus, as you can see adding more color to a not so black and white world.  Can you now begin to see how the environment plays a part in the situation and crisis at hand?  I think you can.

Let's talk about our friends and relationships a little bit more here, because as I have told you before we are creatures of habit, unfortunately we are each have patterns that are discernible if one knows how to look for them. These patterns are the routines, habits and the way we react to stress and crisis situations. Rarely if ever do we break from these patterns, because they are ingrained into us just like our filters are.  As a matter of fact I think the patterns and filters are created exactly the same way. See our patterns and filters are how we see and react to situations as they occur in our life.  They are what we are taught by our parents and built on by the events and circumstances of growing up. Trust me when I say that they are very closely tied to one another. Our reactions to situation are because of the way we see them and compare them to events of our past. Which is why if broken down you will find that they are the accumulation of the events and situations you have lived through from childhood to adulthood.  We have to learn how to not only shift our perception or change our filtering, we also have to change our reaction to situations which means changing or breaking the pattern.  I believe that this is accomplished mainly by divorcing ourselves emotionally from the situation which then allows us to come at the same situation through logic and understanding.  In other words we use our brains and think about it, the whole situation and circumstances before making any type of choice or decision. This also means finding out all the facts and all the variables and players and as much information we can get on the the situation.  You also have to take into account that as humans we are very quick to make snap judgments.  We have a tendency to expect people to react and act to any given situation exactly the way we would.  Guess what that rarely if ever happens.  Because see they were raised differently from you, their filters and patterns are no way going to be anywhere like yours.  Further, we don't know their side of the story, we only know what we have seen, experience and been told. If we rush our judgment and expect them to react as we would then we are truly going to be disappointed. Because like all judgments they rarely are accurate or correct.

What I am trying to say to you is this no two people are going to react or do the same things in the same situation, each one of them is going to do what they always do, they normally react the way they have been programmed and we can't expect them to even see the situation in the same light as we do.  Let me try and explain this to you a little further, see when you meet someone for the first time you build an image of them in your mind, you populate that image with what you honestly think that person is like.  We judge them so to speak and we expect them to be that image, when they fail to live up to it or react differently than we have thought they should we are disappointed, the image is shattered and we have to start from scratch.  The reason why I am tell you this is because we all do it. We all create these images in our minds of the person we think they are, and until we actually get to really know them, they honestly can't possibly live up to those images because we have based them on our own information (filters and patterns).  As we get to know them better, and we finally begin to see behind that mask that they are wearing we can then start to piece together their patterns and we can then predict with fair accuracy how they are going to react in situations.  See each of us has a mask that we wear, it is our public persona, it shields us from hurt and I think it is who we really would like to be.  You can check out my earlier entry on masks, it is why a person seems to change as we get to know them.  But, honestly I think it is only part of the reason why a person seems to change the more we get to know them.

Think back and be honest with yourself.  When we meet someone new during that first meeting we get an initial impression of the person, and then we embellish it and we create our mental image of that person, the more we hang out with that person, the more we get to know them the more they shift from that image we have made of them, we also begin to see the person behind the mask, those two things combined is why a person appears to change from the person we first me.  In relationships we call that the honeymoon period.  It is the length of time we start discover the persons true self and start peering behind the mask that they have been wearing.  Now of course the same thing happens for them, they begin to glimpse and see the real you, and they two have to re-evaluate their mental image of you, because trust me it is very rare we ever get that image right the first time around unless it truly is real love.

So you might be asking yourself at this point where is he going with all of this? What is the point in telling us all of this stuff?  The point is this my friend, life is more than a series of decisions and choices, it is more than just the relationships and friendships it is alive, it is vibrant and it is something that cannot be pictured in just black and white.  Not everyone is going to handle a situation the same way you do.  Nor are they going to react to stress and drama, roadblocks and issues the same way you will.  You can't expect them too.  Finally the last point that I want to bring out is that we never truly know or understand the minds of other people.  So how can we expect them to think and react exactly like we would.  Because like I have pointed out over and over again no two of us are alike or can be alike because our filters, environments, experiences, friendships, networks and everything else are totally different.  So again, my advice to you is don't be quick to judge anyone.  Get to know the whole story and situation before you react.  Don't expect someone to react the same way you would.  They aren't you and they don't think like you.

Also, besides all of this you have to take in the maturity level of the person. Not their age, because each of us develops and matures at different paces. you cannot think that just because someone is 40 years old that they should act a certain way. Age usually has very little to do with maturity level.  Along with maturity comes wisdom, so keep that in mind as well.

What I want you to actually take away from this is that life is not a pretty picture that can be broken down into cut and dry pieces nor is it always black and white.  People act and react differently to situations and circumstances and there are reasons why they do.  How can you get past these, by divorcing your emotions and feelings from each and every situation and coming at it with pure logic.  Thus stripping your filters and shifting your perspective so that you can see the situation from every possible angle.

There is one little tidbit that I neglected to share with you and that is simply this, in a relationship two people will grow closer to one another and over the years they will begin to see things alike.  The longer they are together the more their filters and perceptions change and they become one. So if you have a couple that have been together for 50 years the chances are that they know each other so well they can predict and know how the other is going to react.  Now with that being said, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes years and years for it to happen...and actually I think it may also occur with long standing friendships as well. Whenever you really get to know someone and spend years of time with them you are going to know how they are going to react.  Just wanted to throw that in there to confuse this just a little more..because like I said nothing in life is cut and dry, black or white...there is always a splash of color thrown in somewhere and there is always an exception to the rules.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.

When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition.  College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror.  Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad.  What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life.  See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.

The reason for this is because of many different factors.  Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time.  As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made.  At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.

Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself.  I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at.  See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out.  It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions.  There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals.  Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school.  Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.

As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made.  Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here.  Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements.  See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey.  Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later.  As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security?  When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me.  Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief.  However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them.  The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.

Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt.  If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself.  See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished.  I was just looking at where I was at now.  Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here.  I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy!  Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.

There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital.  Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year.  In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned.  More than that I have come full circle in my life.  I came back to where I have started.  I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?"  The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now?  Would I have met the same people?  Would I have had the same experiences?  No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions.  So, No I wouldn't change a thing.  The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made.  If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy.  Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made.  I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service.  I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64).  I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of.  There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior.  This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side.  These are my only regrets.

Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today.  I am thankful for their support and friendship.  They have made everything I went through worthwhile!  If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia.  The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well.  It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice.  How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known.  Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today.  I was happy with that job and that life.  What came after was the hard part.

But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with.  Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today.  See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made.  I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had.  I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at.  Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you.  You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia.  In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease.  Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.

These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself.  It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself.  It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person.  It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference.  So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of.  But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses.  I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too.  Let me try to explain further about these things.  You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?"   The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here.  Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen.  Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am!  Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today.  I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it.  The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care.  I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again.  That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.

Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective.  I see the positive, beauty and good in the world.  This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest.  What I want you to take away from this entry is this.  no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at.  What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at.  Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be.  That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself.  It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile.  Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn.  Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it.  Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you.  Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you.  As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.

Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset.  Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works.  Think about it and you will see that I am right!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It is never to late to learn something new about ourselves

A good friend of mine posted on his Facebook page this today:

 "If I could change one thing from my past I would live life to the fullest and be reborn. Meaning I would give my all. I would snatched the shirt off my back to give to a homeless person in need . I would refrain from being selfish ( as I once was). And furthermore I would rewrite many misconceptions that others had about the true ME!

THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME !!!!!"

I will be honest this got me to really think about life and living and the past from the present.  I love it when I can find inspiration from something someone else has learned or discovered about themselves.  I am sure by now you are all familiar with my poem called "Frienemies" and if your aren't then I suggest you go read it.  Because it talks all about those that are close to you and claim to be your friend but are talking shit about you behind your back and doing everything they can to undermine you and your life.  Now, as I have said the person who wrote this is a very good friend of mine and someone I have known for the past two years, and I can tell you that the person he is today is not the person that he was when I met him.  He is kind and considerate now, where before the world revolved around him, and he was all about what you could do for him.  Now, as you can imagine we are the polar opposites, I am the one who had the kind heart, the giving nature, and struggled to get past those misconceptions he talks about in his post.  Because, unlike most people I am not the type that is going to be scared away easily, I look at a person and I see their soul, I see their potential and if there is something there that I like I stick it out.  Now, I can tell you that we weren't always close, that his way of dealing with things was not mine, and vice versa.  But I can tell you this, that as this post shows it is never too late to learn something about yourself and make a change.

My blog has been from the very beginning about the inward journey one must take to reach enlightenment, it addresses the daily concerns of living and gives real world examples on how to overcome and avoid life's little obstacles that fall in our way.  I applaud my friend for his self realization that he was self-centered, egotistical, and selfish, however I can say that my experience with him has always been a different kind.  He didn't treat me like he did others, and maybe it was because I was as different from him as he was from me, but it seemed that our friendship grew very quickly to becoming very close.  I learned a lot from him, how to spot when people are taking advantage of me, and how to handle myself in just about any situation, that I didn't have to avoid confrontation.  I am not sure if he learned anything from me yet, but that is okay.  Because like I said in a couple of my earlier blogs, that each and every person comes into our lives for a reason, a specific purpose.  I also believe that there are 3 types of people that are constantly in our lives.  These are Teachers, Students, and Confidants, depending on the situation and need you find yourself in, is where you find which role you are playing at any given point.  I know from first hand experience that at times I have been the teacher, and have helped lots of people in my life and taught them how to take care of themselves and love themselves and how to be a better person.  But I have also been a student and have learned from others. As for the confidant role you can be that for anyone, I know that they are rare and when you have found yours hang on to them.  

A confidant is someone you consider to be your best friend, it is who you talk to the most, confide in, you talk all the time, they are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance.  They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn.  You do the same for them.  I have a best friend that I have known since High School, we talk every day, and it is neat!  Now, there have been times when we didn't talk, when we had issues with each other and gone our separate ways, but somehow, we manage to always get past those times and come back together.  A confidant is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs.

The reason why I re-posted my friends Facebook post here is because I wanted to use it to bring home a point.  The point is this, we are never to old to learn something new about ourselves.  It is never too late to make a conscious change and better ourselves.  Inner reflection is the key to changing the way you view yourself, and when your perspective changes, so does your outlook on life and everything that happens around you.  His post strikes a cord in my heart, and makes me excited that his view and perception of himself is changing and that he has the desire to become a different and better Him than he was.  But as in all things if you look hard enough there is a lesson here to be found as well.  This being that of rewriting the misconceptions about the real person.  What I know and he will learn is that there is nothing we can do with how a person perceives us, the only true way to dispel misconceptions about who we are or were is by fighting through them and getting to know the real person behind them.  However, I know exactly how difficult that can be.  Yet, no matter what you do people are still going to have preconceived notions about who your are and what you represent.  They are going to feed off of the misconceptions that have been presented them, and before you know it your are built up to be something you totally aren't.

As in my friends case here wishing he could go back and re-write them is a noble sentiment, but that is just that! He has changed his focus, realized where he needed to change and has done so.  That alone is what is going to make the difference going forward.  What has happened in the past is in the past and cannot be undone or changed. All we have is what is before us, and if you truly want to make yourself a better more likeable person, you are just going to have to do it.  Remember that actions speak louder than words, and deeds that prove will last a lifetime and be a testament to your change.

What I want you to take away from here tonight is this.  We are all on a journey, it is a spiritual journey, a journey of awakening, a journey of self-discovery and learning.  We need to take each encounter that we have and find the lesson within it.  Because, there is a lesson to be learned around every corner.  As we travel forward on this road change your focus from outward gratification and pleasure and turn it inward toward understanding and self-awareness.  Once you have changed the perspective at which you view life and your journey you are going to see things you never even thought existed, more blessing are going to come your way, but as we change our focus, we must also release the past.  The past is a guide, a learning tool, something to look back on to correct our footing on the path, but nothing more.  You must keep in mind that the past is immutable, unchangeable, and can keep you prisoner.  Because how can you move forward if you are looking to the past, clinging to the baggage that needs to be surrendered and released?  And as you move along your journey there are going to be those that you have to leave behind because they aren't doing you any good, they are holding you back and trying to shift your focus in their direction.  Once you have cut them free and let them go new people will enter your life that will help you on your way.  Open your heart be in awe of the world and life around you. Revel in the majesty, mystery and beauty of God and the world.  Know in your heart that everything you do is for a reason, and is something to learn and grow by.  We are the sum of all the decisions and actions we choose.  Choose to live, choose to follow me and take the road less traveled.  Look deep within your self, you will find the answers are there waiting for you.  Don't worry what others think because in the long run their opinions aren't going to matter at all.  The life you lead is yours.  Embrace it openly and lovingly savor every single moment. Rejoice in the here and now, and as you move forward and better yourself, don't be surprised that everyone else is going to see and notice those changes.

Live well, love hard, be open, be safe, and walk with eyes of awe and wonder, enjoy everything around you to the fullest. Because as you know time is fleeting and if we don't take the opportunity to enjoy it before you know it life has already passed you by.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem or situation

Last night we were talking about relationships and the secrets to making them long lasting and workable.  Yet, here is another insight that you need to consider when dealing with issues that arise in a relationship, and trust me they can be as many and varied as any other types of problems or issues.  The secret here is that there is no predefined way to deal with them, the solutions are as varied as the issues themselves.  Be flexible and think, because if you really try you will find that there are so many options and choices to deal with the issue.  Don't always settle for the first thing that comes to mind, because you might end up regretting it later.  Take the time to think outside of the box and look at the problem from all sides and angles.  The best thing to do is divorce yourself from the problem and tackle it from a logical standpoint.  You will be able to address the situation more effectively and efficiently if you come at it from a standpoint where your emotions are not involved.  Take the time to distance yourself from the problem, search for the root cause and deal with that issue and then tackle the symptoms and ramifications afterward.

A line from one of my favorite movies is "A problem is not as permanent as the solution." For a long time I didn't understand what that meant, and took the easy way, or the path of least resistance and work to deal with the current issue not the underlying cause of the issue. So by ignoring the original problem and just putting out the fires that the issue caused, I was in effect treating the symptoms and not the root cause.  This would be like a doctor throwing a bunch of antibiotics in your system to deal with an infection and not first finding out what type of infection it was and taking the time to find the right antibiotic to deal with the infection, just hoping to get lucky with the barrage of antibiotics hoping that at least one of them would do the trick.  In the above example the doctor might get lucky and one will help, reduce the symptoms and might alleviate the problem for a little while, but if it wasn't the right one, and the root infection wasn't treated correctly or properly the chances are that once you stop taking them or run out of the antibiotics, the infection will come back stronger than ever.  This type of hit and miss treatment is not good for your body, and you can start to build up a tolerance to the many different types of antibiotics.  The same happens to you when you try to handle situations and problems the same way, you become immune to the solutions and the problems come back with a vengeance.

As I have told you there are as many ways to deal with a problem, issue or challenge as there are types of problems.  You must use your head, separate yourself from the feelings associated with the issue, look at the situation from every possible angle, talk about the problem, get feedback from your partner and come up with a workable solution that not only addresses the symptoms but the actual root cause itself. Remember that two heads are better than one and brainstorm together, reach a compromise solution together, don't be afraid to try some unconventional solutions, be creative and inventive, and keep the level of communication open.  The worst thing you can do is alienate your partner by trying to assign blame.  Be adult enough to realize that the issue, situation and problem is affecting both of you, that no matter who is at fault it is going to take both of you working together to get yourself out of the messy situation.  Keep in mind that what's done is done and cannot be undone.  Assigning blame cannot benefit anyone and will actually probably cause more issues in the long run. If you work together peacefully and logically versus emotionally you might be surprised at how easy it was to deal with the issue.

The biggest issue that relationships face these days is the one dealing with money.  There is never enough money to go around or the bills are coming in faster than the money to pay them, or some other type of variation. There are ways to deal with situations like this that will keep harmony in the house.  Communication is key to dealing with this issue. You have to come at these types of situations analytically, removing the emotional feelings that are associated with it. You must keep from assigning blame, and work together to come up with a solution.  One thing you might think about is setting aside specific credit cards or accounts for personal use, that each party is personally responsible for. Or some other compromising solution, it is okay to think abstractly and try many different types of solutions, work together to come up with a budget that you both can accept and continue to work at it.  Remember that the problem didn't occur overnight that it took time to build up to become an issue or problem so it might take just awhile to resolve as well. Trust me when you take the time to handle things and deal with them permanently the better off you will be.  Working together to deal with the issue is going to make your relationship that much stronger, both of you are going to feel an equal partnership and it is going to be rewarding that you have effectively dealt with it.

As I said when I started this entry there are no hard and fast rules that apply to handling situations that might crop up or occur, you have to deal with them individually, and you must take into account all the variables and aspects of the issue.  Communication between you and your partner is vital, and working together to come up with a solution that is both attainable and agreeable is paramount.  Making sure that assigning blame doesn't become an issue and make the situation worse is also key to ending up with favorable results.  Money matters are always going to be a problem and they don't get easier, but you must maintain a strict discipline when dealing with them, acknowledge that both of you are at fault and work together to come up with the answer.  As I said a solution is more permanent then the problem, try as many options as you can think of, work backward if you have too. Be patient and understand that it may take time and hard work to achieve the desired result, but in the end you will be glad you did.

If you read the earlier blog entry on making relationships work, I stress over and over again that you have to be flexible willing to change, adapt to new and arising situations, you have to talk to one another and come at the problem together, maybe even try coming at it from two different sides, whatever it takes to make the problem finally and totally disappear.  Don't be afraid to compromise and think outside the box, be willing to take a risk and see if it won't pay off.  Don't alienate yourself from your partner, and include them in the decision making process, make it  both of your problems and both of you take total ownership for it and responsibility, because when you do both of you feel like you are invested and have some degree of control over it the happier you both will be.

I think you will find that when you work together, great things happen. When you talk about the issues and are genuine and matter of fact about both of your involvement, assigning blame becomes harder and almost impossible. You both will feel better, the stress will be less in your relationship and you will feel a sense of accomplishment that you haven't felt before.  Don't hold grudges or use guilt as a weapon, and because you have separated your emotions and feelings from the situation you will find that it has become that much easier to talk about, tempers won't flair and things that are discussed and thought about in a calm relaxed way will have a greater tendency to work out faster and better than before.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If these walls could talk....what would they say?

Today's introspection revealed to me that I feel alone even when I am with other people.  This is something that made me want to think about it just a little more deeply. We have talked about hurt, masks, defense mechanisms, the mind, the body, and a whole host of other things. But we really haven't discussed walls.  Each of us builds up walls, protections to keep us from experiencing the pain associated with emotional hurts.  In an earlier posting we talked a good deal about pain, and how it is the tool from which we learn and grow from.  In that entry I talked about forgiveness, moving on, and how time can help heal these wounds.  However, there are times when the healing process takes too long, the pain is still too fresh with us, so we construct emotional barriers, these barriers hold people at bay.  In effect these walls tend to keep people at arms length, they cloak us in secrecy and hide us from exposing ourselves to situations which we perceive dangerous or hurtful.

Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten?  This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance.  You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there.  Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.

Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers.  There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more.  Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you.  When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible.  They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you.  Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.

When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody.  After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them.  Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside.  They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing.  I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened.  My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away.  I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times.  Even my parents seemed to understand.  But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change.  He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job.  He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why.  But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by.  I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag.  I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair.  One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.

It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends.  It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth.  It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right.  That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression.  It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.

Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past.  Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history.  This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in.  When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something.  Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.

In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person.  Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me.  I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling.  The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things.  I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something.  But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.

Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues.  Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of.  People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you.  If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either.  You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt.  Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair.  Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up.  In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again.  Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved.  Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there.  Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.

Remember it is never too late to start this process.  Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it.  It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life.  I can do it all on my own.  I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way.  It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me.  In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life.  I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them.  I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents.  Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!

If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly.  He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him.  A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it.  I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times.  To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.

So if your walls could talk what would they say about you?   Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach.  Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love.  You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.

God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance.  It is time for you to make a change in your life.  Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here.  No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel.  You are your own individual with your own style and personality.  If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you.  Take your power back.  You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them.  I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion.  Which everyone has like assholes!  You must be you and be comfortable with who you are.  Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you.  Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.

Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it.  You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel.  Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude.  Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected.  Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Can you actually change who you really are?

I was watching the second episode of Perception, a new series on TNT, this afternoon and the question was posed at the end of the program.  "Can you actually change who you really are?" Now in the past we talked about the masks we where, and how we use them to shield and protect us from emotional hurt.  These masks are what the world around us see's and perceives us to be.  When we talked about them, I explored that a person doesn't actually change, they way we see them and interact with them does, as we relax and drop our masks.  But the bigger question to me is can a person really change?  Does the core value system of a person adapt and change over time?  Two very separate questions and two different answers. But I honestly believe that change comes through our experience. But our core value system remains the same through-out our life time.

In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college.  No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around.  A person pretty much doesn't change.  Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury.  A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something.  Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases.  Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.

Not all change is for the better.  Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little.  I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years.  Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years.  Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection.  Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body.  The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.

Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you.  You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.

However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same.  You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws.  It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it.  There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.

A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed.  What he does to one he will continue to do to others.  Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness.  Thus an impetus for change.  Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place.  Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in.  Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help.  That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.

Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill.  However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change.  In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain.  I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses.  The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.

I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved.  Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me.  I was actually enabling them.  I wasn't helping them.  It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself.  It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.

As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die.  So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change.  Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.

I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself.  I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change.  They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can.  Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in.  Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take.  If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time.  These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were.  It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.

Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too.  You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die.  I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes.  But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over.  I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down.  So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.

I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past.  I have grown and I have matured yes.  I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them.  But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning.  It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.

I hope this finally makes sense to you.  I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself.  But I am not.  I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes.  Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change.  So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort.  When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.

I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B