All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away

One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment.  If I were you I would truly savor the here and now.  That precious irreplaceable right then, this second.  That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night  with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again."  How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by?  How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them?  I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment.  It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me.  Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old.  These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.

I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart.  To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me.  Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in.  Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years.  Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other.  The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see.  I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by.  How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now!  We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone.  You can't change what you have done or where you have been.  But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life.  Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.

Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance.  It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way.  But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it.  Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late.  Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious.  Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."

Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel.  Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something.  Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life.  I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared.  Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together."  That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out.  Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone.  Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do?  Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?

"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us."  Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment.  This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history.  Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with  are fleeting, and if you aren't focused  and paying attention they will pass you by.

Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here.  For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment.  Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it.  Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done!  Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death.  Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me.  How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again.  Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me.  Just because I wanted him.  Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me.  He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me.  Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love.  Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.

Life is too short to face it all alone my friends.  Take a chance open your heart to love.  Promise me you will give it another try.  You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down.  Just get back up when it knocks you down."

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is a powerful thing? Read these two poems and see for yourself

Never fear mother dear, I heard your heart beating within your womb,
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.

Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!

When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?

The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.

When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.

The brain is a powerful thing!

The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.

Isn't the brain a powerful thing?

If these walls could talk....what would they say?

Today's introspection revealed to me that I feel alone even when I am with other people.  This is something that made me want to think about it just a little more deeply. We have talked about hurt, masks, defense mechanisms, the mind, the body, and a whole host of other things. But we really haven't discussed walls.  Each of us builds up walls, protections to keep us from experiencing the pain associated with emotional hurts.  In an earlier posting we talked a good deal about pain, and how it is the tool from which we learn and grow from.  In that entry I talked about forgiveness, moving on, and how time can help heal these wounds.  However, there are times when the healing process takes too long, the pain is still too fresh with us, so we construct emotional barriers, these barriers hold people at bay.  In effect these walls tend to keep people at arms length, they cloak us in secrecy and hide us from exposing ourselves to situations which we perceive dangerous or hurtful.

Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten?  This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance.  You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there.  Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.

Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers.  There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more.  Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you.  When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible.  They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you.  Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.

When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody.  After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them.  Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside.  They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing.  I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened.  My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away.  I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times.  Even my parents seemed to understand.  But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change.  He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job.  He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why.  But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by.  I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag.  I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair.  One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.

It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends.  It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth.  It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right.  That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression.  It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.

Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past.  Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history.  This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in.  When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something.  Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.

In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person.  Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me.  I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling.  The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things.  I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something.  But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.

Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues.  Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of.  People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you.  If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either.  You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt.  Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair.  Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up.  In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again.  Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved.  Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there.  Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.

Remember it is never too late to start this process.  Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it.  It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life.  I can do it all on my own.  I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way.  It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me.  In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life.  I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them.  I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents.  Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!

If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly.  He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him.  A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it.  I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times.  To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.

So if your walls could talk what would they say about you?   Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach.  Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love.  You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.

God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance.  It is time for you to make a change in your life.  Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here.  No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel.  You are your own individual with your own style and personality.  If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you.  Take your power back.  You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them.  I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion.  Which everyone has like assholes!  You must be you and be comfortable with who you are.  Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you.  Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.

Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it.  You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel.  Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude.  Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected.  Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B