Unexpected Turn of Events

Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer.  That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again.  This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left.  I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again.  Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.

Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore.  What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in.  Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search.  What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place.  The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.

The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles?  I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta.  So I haven't been back here is such a long time.  But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a  .  Even with  assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed.  I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld.  Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record.  This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information. 

I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon.  I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem.  So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.

Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail.  Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally.  Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate.  He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly.  Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me.  This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.

However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it.  Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer.  I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me.  My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues.  He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me.  But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.

Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before.  I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again.  This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years".  These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain.  There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point.  Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated. 

I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else.  I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open.  I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether.  I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him.  That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me.  I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.

If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time?  I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time.  Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.

However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has.  For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape.  I am not alone in this battle anymore.  My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family.  Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.

But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it.  What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of.  It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible.  Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established.  I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.

Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level.  Let me know what your thoughts are on this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer

For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway.  But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel.  This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me.  Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had.  It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States.  Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends.  That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.

6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with.  She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house.  It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again.  But as I  was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them.  There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom.  We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures.  A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again.  That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.

But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me.  I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from.  I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays?  I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.

This year I have something forward to look forward to.  This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays.  It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again.  As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them.  2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season.  This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.

Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together.  We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends.  I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again.  My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart.  He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together.  We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken.  Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.

I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids.  That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together.  It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now.  But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together.  No one knows!  I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am.  I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.

But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires.  Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special.  It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving.  It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on.  LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit.  What word would you give it???

Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity.  It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return.  It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.

I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you?  What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer?  What are you expecting this holiday season?  Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss?  What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Trying to reconnect with my lost extended family

The lack of the ability to sleep.  Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time.  I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night.  When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone.  Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.

I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis.  So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too.  I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them.  At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.

I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death.  I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate.  I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life.  The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more.  I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them.  As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before.  I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them.  I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.

Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general.  I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions.  It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them.  It is something that just happened over time and distance.  Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again.  As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us.  My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family.  I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.

But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later.  Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012.  Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all.  I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer.  I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually.  It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point.  It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.

I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day.  For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through.  But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy.  I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen.  I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.

I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert.  All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did.  There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others.  Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in.  But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love.  I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.

There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you  and hope that you.  I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had.  I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can.   Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.

I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me.  If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago.  I love you and miss you all very much.

Uncle B

Memories

As we look back across our lives it is amazing at the things that spring to mind. A simple song can evoke the sweetest memories, that can bring a brilliant smile to your face. Passing a  familiar spot can herald a bright spot in an otherwise dreary day. But memories are funny things,  they often become colored by time. Even the worst experiences don't look so bad after time has passed by.

Most of my friends seem to pass through life, never taking stock of the people, places and things that they encounter.  One friend said today that he keeps moving forward never looking back at anything. He feels that he can't keep up his forward momentum if he is constantly looking backwards.  While he has a valid point. I tend to think a little differently on a minor particulars.

Like most people when his relationships end, he keeps it moving. In almost every instance I can think of if a relationship ends there were issues that were the caused it to end. Those same issues are more than likely still be there if the person comes back into your life.  But,  that doesn't mean that you have to write that person out of your life totally.

True good friends are few and far between.  Each one of us don't have so many friends that we can afford to write any of them off. I have remained friends with the majority of my ex's, because the shared history that we have are what have bound us together and is the basis of our friendship.  There have been 1 or 2 instances where I have tried to rekindle a past relationship. But like I said earlier, there were issues that we felt so strong about that caused us to go our separate ways, and they always seem to crop back up.

Relationships that are founded on mutual respect and trust have a foundation that's worth investing time in and are the easiest to convert to a lasting friendship. It is important to keep in mind that every person that has come into your life was brought there for a specific reason. We grow and learn from each other, we have a need that the other filled in some fundamental way.

You may be wondering why in an entry about memories would I digress to talk about friendships and relationships?  The truth of the matter is that each and every person who enters your life touches you in a fundamental way, memories of these people, places and events are indelibly written in your subconscious which at some point become memories.

Memories are precious things and they evoke an emotional response when they pop in our minds.  Like I said at the beginning of the post time can make even the most terrible experience seem not so terrible when you look back.  Be careful because if you compare new experiences to a remembered experience you might think that the past was better and be unhappy.  Which just might make you think that nothing will ever be able to compete with your past and you might miss out on something truly remarkable.

People all around you see what you are going through and how you deal with life's situations and problems.  You might be surprised at how your actions and reactions to certain situations inspires and gives another a sense of hope and peace.  Beacause no matter what you are actually going through there are others out there going through something similar or maybe even worse and they see how you are handling it and it gives them that extra push to help them make it through.  Remember always that a casual conversation can take you somewhere that you never thought you would ever go.  Random encounters can inspire and give hope to others and who knows might bring someone into your life at the right moment to help you through as well.

Memories are not perfect and they are a snapshot of time from our own unique perspective.  Plus, keep in mind that someone else's memory of an event might not even be close to what you remember because each of us filter things differently and are truly seen from our own perspective.

Remember the good times, the in between times and the bad times, in the end as you look back over time you will be amazed at the things you have come through, survived and have learned.  These are pieces of shared history between you and whoever you were with and they can never be taken away from you.  If you are embarking on a new relationship try your best not to compare it to your past relationships, because one of you is always going to feel that they can't compete with the past because to them your rememberance focuses mainly on the good and positive times.

Everyone deserves their own chance, remember your past fondly, be proud of what you have accomplished and have learned, know that you have survived and been strengthened by each and every event.  Hold on to your memories share them when appropriate and find your true happiness within your heart and mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I believe in miracles yes I do

Do you believe in miracles? I have to tell you that I do, I believe in big miracles as well as small miracles.  See, when the sun rises in the morning I count that as a miracle and my eyes opening up to see the sun crest the horizon is a blessing.  I see the bud's of the tree blossoming as a miracle, how the winter turns to spring as a miracle.  You may not, but I do these are little miracles that happen around us, yet we are too busy to see them or notice them.  Then there are the big OMG miracles.  Like, when I had my aneurysm and I had all those many blood transfusions, I know it was an Angel that came to me and saved my life.  Because there is no record of this nurse working on that floor or any other floor that very night and when I asked no one knew who she was or where she came from.  Now, this is not the first time that I have had an intervention like that, but I sure hope it is the last.

I keep telling you that God's time is not our time, that He comes and does as He wills, yet He is always on time and never late.  I have been told all my life that I was an Angel here on earth, that I was born to ease the suffering of others and you know what?  That is exactly what I have been doing my entire life and never even knew it.  My grandmother told me this the day she died.  I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now.  Most of you know me personally or have read my blog and know of me.  I have walked a dark and lonely road, but a road of my own choosing. I chose to walk along the drug dealers, the addicts, the prostitutes, yet in all of that I never lost the sight in my Lord and Savior, and those who came to know me saw the light that show inside of me, and gravitated to the positive energy I have always displayed.

No matter the circumstances, I have always maintained a positive outlook and attitude for those around me to see.  Very few people have ever seen me down for long, and if they have then they were very special people to me indeed.  God has granted me patience and discernment, and a slight ability to prophesy, but the most important thing that God has given me is the ability to excel under stress and pressure.  People that I used to work with at the State of Georgia used to call me a miracle worker and when I was in the Navy I could pull things together fast.  I learned who my key resources were and I just utilized them to my benefit, and I still do some of that in limited form today in my current life.

But, most importantly I am happy to say that when my world got a little darker yesterday afternoon.  I couldn't shake the nagging fear I was feeling nor could I get over the fact that I had been down this exact road not too very long ago, I wanted to bemoan and lament that it wasn't fair that I didn't want to do it again, and why me?  But something most extraordinary happened this very evening as I was sitting here writing my first blog entry.  I heard from someone who I had not thought I would ever hear from again. Someone I had once counted as a friend who I accidentally betrayed and sent away. It is sad but true we had parted on extremely bad terms, and I have had to deal with the guilt of that for almost 2 years.  As he got out of my car he turned and he looked at me and told me that I wasn't acting very much like a best friend, with that he closed the door and left me and that was the last time I laid eyes on him.  Yet, today a day when the world seemed to be crashing around my ears, the words that the doctors had told me yesterday were finally sinking in and I was feeling more and more like my life was spinning out of control my phone rang, and on the other end was the friend that I thought I had lost, and he was in trouble.  He needed me and I realized that I needed him just as much.

Funny how God has done that to the two us, there have been several times in our past that we have needed each other.  For years and years we had been there for each other and I let someone else into my life, and that person I don't know why or how colored my eyes against my friend and didn't want me to have anything to do with him.  I got mad at the wrong person and I did things that I am not proud of at all.  I turned my back on a friend, I didn't even listen to what he had to tell me. I made a snap and summary judgement because the person I was dating was trying to manipulate me and he did a good job.  As a matter of fact he almost destroyed me, and he damn near killed my friendship with this person.  Yet today when my mood was feeling low, and I was trying how I was going to handle all this knowledge that I had gotten from the doctor yesterday my phone rang and it was my friend Victory! He would kill me if he was here right now and saw the name that I have given him. But let me tell you something as far as I am concerned his is my Victory and my Triumph over this dread spirit that had come over me.  I had just tried to get in touch with him over the past weekend and out of the clear blue sky, my phone rang and it was him.  I am telling you it was a miracle, God knew what He was doing and He knew exactly who and what I needed to snap me out of this funk that was tangling me up in it's clutches.

I have to tell you that if ever 2 people needed each other it was the two of us. I had been feeling guilty about the past, and worried about the future. He was sitting in custody where he had been for 10 months, and he just tried my number after all of this time. Once I heard his voice and knew what he needed I didn't hesitate at all I sprang into action.  Within 2 hours I had talked to his mom, and the bondsman and knew that I was going to get him out of jail.  It would take me and his mom working together to pull this off but I knew what I was going to do before he even asked.  I am waiting for him to be released now.  I wish he was here, so I could honestly tell him thank you.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I think we have saved each other several times over the years, but today he saved me from my own worst enemy...myself!

I have to take a brief moment here and say "Thank you my Heavenly Father for bringing him back into my life, I am so glad that I was here to help when I was needed.  You have sustained me and made it possible for all of these things to fall in place.  I never knew why you brought Lonnie and Alicia into my life but now I do, You did it so I would know who to call and what to do when today came.  Had it not been for the training and the ropes that those two put me through I would never have been able to accomplish everything that I did tonight. So thank you Lord for this training and blessing, I am sorry I have ever doubted that You.  I should have known that You kept me here just for this very moment."  Amen.

Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years and was humbled and trained to lead the children of Israel home from Egypt.  I was held in place and kept from moving on so that I could be in this exact place at the moment that I was needed.  There can be no other explanation, I had planned to move to PA and I have kept trying to get off of probation so I could go help my mother, yet something had tied me to Holly Hill and I haven't left yet.  It was the Hand of God restraining me and keeping me till I was needed.  I am thankful that I was here and that I was able to do my part.  I needed to hear my friends voice today, and he needed me.  So if you ask me that was definitely a miracle in and of itself.

So yes I believe in miracles, I believe that they happen around us everyday all day, and we are too wrapped up in ourselves and in our own lives that we miss them, but they are there if we just take some time and slow down long enough to appreciate them.  I have to tell you that today is one of the happiest days of my life.  It is not everyday that God grants you the ability to correct a wrong that you have committed against another person.  It also isn't too often that things fall into the right place so that we are available to respond to another person's need.  I am truly blessed that both of these things were available to me.

I have learned my lesson of that you can be sure, and I will never miss another miracle that comes my way, because I know what to look for now big and small.

I hope you do too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

46 and counting! What a blessing!

That's right another year has passed and I am still here.  Not for my lack of trying you understand.  Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know.  But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive.  I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me.  I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar.  But here I am.  I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive.  All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you.  But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe.  But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people.  You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents.  Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me.  I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring.  Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you.  I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.

There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not.  But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today.  Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated.  Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through.  Thank you for coming along on the journey with me.  Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.

This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it.  Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is.  But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age.  I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger.  No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek.  I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder.  A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters.  I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending.  I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective.  Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating.  What can you say to the man who has done it all?

If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring.  Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends.  Those who truly know me, will never forget me.  Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around.  They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky.  To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires.  I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing.  He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?

I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things.  I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left.  But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth.  But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye.  Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me.  I was emerging and really being seen.  I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.

As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me.  As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me.  I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.

Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return.  I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance.  For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I  feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but  I am living proof that it can and does.

So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God.  I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life.  Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next.  Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end.  Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

December 19th Status Update

This year has been a tough year for everyone of my friends, and me as well.  I am thankful that it is finally drawing to a close, and on the heels of all the hard times comes several blessings that I want to share with you.  Every day cannot be a picnic and something I have learned coming through 2012 is that you have to take the good with a measure of bad.  But, with hope and faith things will work out for the best, whether you want to believe that or not, it is really true.  As we went through the Thanksgiving holiday we all stopped and gave thanks for the things that we were most thankful in our lives.  But, that was just one point in the year, we need to take a closer look at our daily lives and be thankful daily for the small things that happen to us.  Once you begin to do that you are going to see that the smallest things add up together, these little blessings may not seem to mean much, but when you take a step back and look at how they multiply you will be amazed at just what you can have come through.

As 2012 draws to a close, I have to tell you that I have a new family, that has opened their hearts and home to me and accepted me with open arms.  They have done everything they can to make me feel like I am a part of their family and special.  For someone that hasn't actually enjoyed Christmas or the holidays in many many years, this has been a big shock and surprise.  Since coming out to California my life has been filled with such joy and happiness that it is hard to contain.  God has been so good to me this past year, has brought me such loving and caring friends both in Florida and in California that I can hardly believe how lucky I have been.  Everyone one of us has a story, something that we had to face and come through in 2012 and here we are we have made it. There have been people that have inspired us, motivated us and given us the strength to push onward even when it seemed the darkest.  This holiday season take the time to reach out to those that have been around you and by your side, give them the praise that you feel in your heart.  Tell them how much you appreciate them, and all that they have done for you.  None of us could have made it through this year without our support group, our family and friends that stood by us in our times of trouble and despair.  These are the ones that have made it possible for you to look back and marvel at all that you have endured and come through and deserve the highest praise.

Though I can't put everyone's story out there I want to point out a few that have inspired me and given me hope for a brighter tomorrow and a happier future.  These are stories that show strength, compassion and love.  These are fighters that even when the toughest of times seemed too much to bear they pushed ever onward and have come through.  I know a lot of you think that I am something of an inspiration through everything that I have come through, but I have a dear friend that lost her husband of many many years, who opened up her heart and her home to let me come out to visit.  She has started to live again and with just a little visit and several hugs brought Christmas back into my life.  Then there is her daughter who I have been close to since she was 8 years old that told me what was happening and wanted me to come.  These two have shown me what the meaning of Christmas is all about, love, hope, happiness and joy, even inspite of troubles.  Here is the unique thing about me and my friend, whenever we are apart our energies and lives seem to get off track and turned upside down, most of the time a phone call between us will straighten out our course, though sometimes it takes a bit more like a visit.  I can tell you that since being here I haven't felt this good and strong in a long time. The depression and despair that had seemed to fall over the house quickly evaporated once I got here.  Now with the Christmas tree up and house all decorated it seems like life is finally coming back to the house.    Then there is my friend and partner who while I was going through my own health crisis's and issues in Florida was going through his own all the way across the country.  Even though at times he wasn't sure about "Us" or "Me", we made it through and are together.  Speaking of him, he just had neuro-surgery just two weeks ago, and what a boost to his self-confidence and self-esteem it has been.  I haven't ever seen him this happy or excited since I have met him. Another friend of mine found himself in a horrible living situation that did nothing but weigh him down and destroyed his health. Yet, through it all he maintained a positive outlook and repeatedly demonstrated his strength of character in all of his emails and Facebook postings.  It takes a strong person to endure circumstances like that, and to do it with such grace and love it has truly been inspiring.  I am also wanting to mention my new family Voncellar, CeCe and Mary, thank you so much for being the greatest influence on your son/brother/grandson, and accepting me whole-heartedly into your family making this one of the best Christmas's ever!  Then there are my friends at the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau who have been there with me through every hospitalization, every health crisis and personal /emotional crisis I have gone through this year.  Even though each of them had their own health issues, and problems they made me feel accepted and part of their circle. Thank you guys you don't know how much you all mean to me.  You are my family!

I know times are tough, money is tight, and Christmas this year might not be as perfect as you want it to be, just know that Life doesn't always seem to work out as it is planned or pictured. It can be better or worse depending on your point of view. Even non perfect circumstances can bring contentment and happiness. Though we may wish for the perfect picture of our minds eye, understanding that you just might not get it makes it that much easier to accept. I have often been filled with disappointments by not understanding this little concept, but this year I have a whole new set of eyes and a brand new understanding of how things truly are.  We have to make our own happiness, our own perfect moments, don't wait around for life to give them too you.  If you do, you will be closed off to new and wondrous things that are out there waiting for you.  Understanding this will also help you to understand that even though you aren't exactly where you want to be, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Nothing worth having comes easy.  It is the stuff that you have to work hard for and struggle with that are the things you treasure the most.  As this year ends make sure you ring it out with good cheer and a song in your heart. Let go of the past, surrender yourself to the future, take that leap of faith and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be happier and more successful in the new year than you ever have been before.

Even as I am getting ready to close this entry, a miracle of life has been granted to my family.  We are welcoming our newest member born just a few minutes ago a new nephew.  A new year, and a new life, what better symbol of hope can there be!

I love you all and wish you a very happy holiday season. Make sure you give praise to those that deserve it, cordiality to those that don't and share the joy and happiness of Christmas and New Years with all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)

As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured.  But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year.  I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds.  This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here.  It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you.  Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously.  However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed.  There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.

I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year.  This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me.  I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days.  I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart.  This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared.  Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning.  I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit.  I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week.  To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area.  I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area.  I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans.  Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got.  The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me.  How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable.  This actually touched me in a very deep way.

See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person.  How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line.  See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us.  Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them.  Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world.  Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you.   As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death.  It  has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others.  I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed.  There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them.  Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were.  People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!

I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them.  I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you.  I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions.  You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time.  I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it.  Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this.  I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together.  I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me.  But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come.  He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came.  We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try?  I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.

Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me.  Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there.  I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon.  Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call.   When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room.  We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time.  However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life.  He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years.  That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy.  Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry.  Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure.  Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually  thought he was interested in someone else.  It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted.  His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk.  However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.

I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them.  In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With".  It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others.  I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up.  See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep.  I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital.  Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis.  Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying.  At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact.  I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year.  So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet.  Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.

This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year.  I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet.  I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life.  I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world.  On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about.  But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day.  I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me.  I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface.  That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.

Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me.  This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own.  Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me.  But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me.  This is new and it is interesting.  As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently.  I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world.  After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have.  We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation.  Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.

But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease.  That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction.  That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed.  In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing.  I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through.  Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists.  Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder.  But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me.  When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.

As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on.  In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots.  His perception of me was changed.  See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex.  You just never know do you!  Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying.  It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them.  So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story.  Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally.  God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me.  He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for.  He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be.  He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could.  When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.

Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you.  For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me.  I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health.  I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year.  Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration.  But it is because of all of you that I am.  It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown.  It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing.  It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone.  You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in.  I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life.  Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on.  Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.

Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for

On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide.  Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others.  In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide.  Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.

Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts.  But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide.  How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation.  But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't.  People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience.  Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc.  Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder.  It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you.  Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks.  You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs.  They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of.  Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out.  Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.

It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide.  But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well.  The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help.  Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional.  Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member.  Whatever their reasoning it is up too you.  The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level.  Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.

Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday.  It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide.  All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone.  Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world.  You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.

The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves.  If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.

So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.

Let me review what is written above:  Who is at risk for suicide?

People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
            - family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
            - change in family structure such as:
                - divorce
                - separation
                - loss of an important person
                - loss of capacity
                - death of a loved one or friend

After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before.  They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear.  Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.

I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through.  I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body.  But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body.  If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?"  I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.

Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B