Another Sleepless night situation worse then ever

Last night was one of the worst nights for me.  Actually this month has really been bad all the way around.  I have someone in my house that is constantly destroying my things.  I thought by moving in a roommate the constant fighting would slow down and maybe even stop.  In actuality it just seems to have made things so much more complicated.  The frustrating part is that there is a part of me that cares about the person, but he doesn't have any respect for me or my things.  His habits make the situation that much worse.  He likes to pop xanax, but when he combines that with alcohol a fight ends up happening.

Tonight much to my distaste he was given alcohol and he was already under the influence of xanax.  Everything was fine till around 3:30 in the morning, I was watching a tv program, it was almost over.  He comes out of the bathroom and starts searching around for his weed.  He ended up kicking the coffee table and my marble morter and pistal fell on the floor and another piece chipped off.  All I said was please watch what your are doing and please don't stop breaking things.  This immediately started a fight and now the coffee table is totally destroyed along with many of my glass storage bowls that were sitting on the dining room table.

This arguement became physical and extremely violent, the new roommate was pulled into it and a heated exchange happened between the 3 of us.  The police ended up showing up when my roommate left and both me and the other person were talked to about the situation.  Because I care and don't like to see anyone put out on the street, but I told him he was going to have to leave.  That is when he told me that he wasn't going anywhere and that because he has been here longer than a month there is nothing I can do but go to the courthouse and start the eviction process.  Though tonight I learned something new, I could have had him arrested for the destruction of my property.  I did not press charges at the tiime and because he told the officers a completely different story and made it out that the fight was between him and my new roommate they wouldn't do even consider it a domestic dispute and take him out of my house.

My roommate came back about an hour later and told me that if I don't do something and have the other person removed from the house that he was going to move out.  Now, honestly I explained to him before he ever moved in that I was having these issues and the fights and needed his help in getting the other guy out.  Originally, I let the guy stay with me because the other people he was staying with were getting evicted and he didn't have anywhere to go.  I told him he could stay for a couple of weeks until he got himself onto his feet and could find somewhere else to go.  He refuses to leave, I was evicted from my last home because of him and me constantly fighting and I am very afraid that this is going to happen all over again.

I really wanted to help him, and feelings became involved and we started dating, but things have been on the steady decline since labor day when he destroyed some very expensive things which I am still currently paying for.  I told him tonight after everything calmed down that I still want him to move out.  I have never been good with confrontations and I don't like that the police had to become involved yet again. This time though I did have it thoroughly documented.  I have come as far as I can go.  Honestly he is the first person that I have tried to help that has totally and utterly failed in an epic way.  All I have ever asked for him to do was either get a job or go to school.  Do something to better himself and he has not made any effort to do any of these things. 

As hard as it will be, and no matter my personal feelings on this matter enough is enough.  I can't deal with living like this any longer.  He feels that he can talk to me and treat me any kind of way and I am just supposed to take it.  When I try to stand up for myself and my personal belongings he becomes irrate and out of control and ends up causing physical damage to property and personal possessions.  I am exhausted, I have had no sleep and I don't need this stress in my life at this point.  I have tried to reason with him. To talk to him about his attitude and anger problems, and instead of it getting better the situation has become unbearable.  So this morning I am faced with a series of choices and I am going to have to think about myself, I am going to have to be totally selfish, and I am going to have to give back a portion of what he gives to me.

I don't feel like I should have to do this but I have tried asking him to leave and I cannot get him to leave on his own accord.  My hands are tied and I honestly cannot afford to continue to replace the things that he breaks or the damage that he has done to the property that I am renting.  I am going to have to go to the courthouse this morning and I am going to have to file paperwork to start the eviction process and because of his violent and destructive behavior I feel that with my new cancer diagnosis I am going to have to get a restraining order issued against him.  Since he is not on the lease and because my health and wellbeing is at risk I am going to ask the judge to have him removed from my home since he cannot be within a certain distance of me.

I am torn up about this whole situation, and I really am not the kind of person that takes pleasure in doing any of these things, but I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home.  I know that I am not a strong person when it comes to things like this, but I have to cut the ties, I don't like being treated this way, and because he will not leave rationally I am left with very few choices at this point.

My friend that I had move in to help me with the bills shouldn't be the one to move out, when the other person does absolutely nothing to contribute to the paying of bills or expenses.

Wish me luck, I feel like such a terrible person, but I guess this too shall pass.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why others lose faith in us

When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness.  I often talk about being a person with integrity,  strength of character and honor.  These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.

A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit.  Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild.  Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to,  it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.

Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person.  Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal,  however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed,  it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.

With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other.  The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient.  I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason.  Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.

Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions.  The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.

Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken.  It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.

Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately,  expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person.  Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else.  But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else,  unless they allow you to.  You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning.  I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.

So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.

I really hope that this helps you out there,  I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything.   Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is actually meant by "Keeping it Real?"

I hear a lot of people running around saying "Keep it Real", "Real talk", or "100".  But do they even have an idea of what they are actually talking about.  The answer to that is NO.  See, the younger generation assumes that it means be honest, don't lie, don't cheat, be yourself etc.  Yes that is part of it, but there is so much more that encompasses what being real is all about.  Keeping it real has to start with integrity, truth and compassion.  Most youth use it today to be blunt and rude. They throw their opinion out there like it is requested, required or needed.  Guess what folks it isn't.  I have a friend that pointed out to me yesterday that if you are truly wanting to keep it real or be real, it has to start with yourself. You have to be true to yourself, be honest and open with yourself.  You can't hide behind your mask or fascade and think that you are being real or keeping it real.

Many of you run around pretending to be Thugs, gangsta's or bad boys.  Truth of the matter is it is just an act, it is a costume that you put on each morning when you get up. It is a behavior, or pattern that you are trying to use to change who you truly are.  The problem with this is, the real you is still there hidden behind all that you are trying to get the world to see. You are creating a false persona that you want other including your friends to see.  You weren't born a Thug, Gangster, bad boy. You were born a male, and you should grow into a man.  Who you are affiliated with or hang with should not be who you become.  If you want to have a secret identity it truly is up to you, but you can't be real to anyone else if you are not real with yourself. 

In order for you to be real you have to understand what being real actually entails.  See there is more too it than just being honest with others, it is more than just being blunt and straightforward.  Being real means being a person of integrity. Honest, trustworthy and putting others before yourself.  See there are elements of being real that many of you seem to not understand they are compassion, understanding and respect.  In order for you to be real with another person, you have to be compassionate at how you talk with them, how you deliver the truth to them.  Keep in mind it isn't what you say but how you say it.  Further, if you truly understand and respect the person and their intentions then you are going to be there for them and talk to them. You will take the time to explain to them the situation and make sure that they are aware of all the variables and possible risks that are involved.  Remember this Real is born out of love for another person, you care about them, you don't want them hurt or embarrassed, it isn't a means to be brutal, hurtful or blunt. 

I want to explain this to you a bit further, I want to break it down to you so that you understand exactly what being real is all about and what it entails. See there are responsibilities and emotions that are associated with being real or keeping it real.  But in order to understand all of this you first need to know what the definition of being real is all about.  Real as defined by the Webster's Pocket dictionary is "something which is existing, genuine, true, or authentic.  Under the law it is defined as property which is regarded as permanent, fixed or immovable; not illusory, artificial, or fraudulent." Either of those definitions go a long way into establishing what I am trying to say.  Most ot the time when someone tells you to keep it real, they are talking about you yourself, the person.  However, it is also something that should be demonstrated in your actions, attitude and way you interact with other people.  Being real is unconditional if you are trying to be real, it is something that is accepted and practiced at all times.  There isn't a halfway point with being real. Either you are or you are not. It is a way of life, and it isn't always easy.  You have to keep other's thoughts and feelings in mind as you are trying to practice it.

Being real is all about unconditionally accepting others, caring about them and giving them the respect that they deserve, and having their backs at all times, putting their needs and wants before your own.  It also is about being aware of their feelings and being honest and truthful with them using compassion, understanding, love and respect and offering them support to show them how you actually feel. Now, what does this mean.  It means that you have to be gentle and kind in your honesty with them, conscious of how your words and truth might hurt them.  You need to couch them in compassion and temper them with love, respect and understanding.  If you do this, the bluntness of your words and attitude will be tempered enough that won't hurt the other person too badly.  Often times your good intentions are missed because of the way in which they are said. Your word's are blunt, callus and bitter, they hurt and sting, it immediately puts the person you are trying to look out for put their backs up and resist what you are trying to tell them. The pain your words have caused has made them dig in their heals and can cause resentment towards you and your attitude. If you approach the situation as I have mentioned above your words will have a better chance of causing change and helping the other person. 

What I am trying to tell you is that "Being Real", "Keeping it Real", "Keeping it 100", or being just plain "real" is a lifestyle, a way of living.  It is something that needs to be practiced and lived, rather than trying to emulate it.  If you live by it, it will be automatic to you.  But being real is a combination of honesty with other emotions and processes involved.  In order for you to actually accomplish it and live by it you have to understand it.  That is what I want you to take away from this entry.  Being real needs to be handled with compassion, trust and faith. It encompasses love, respect, truth and support.  Actions speak louder than words, prove to me that you are real, by being real to yourself and others at all times.  If you are going to claim it you better damn well be doing it.

Remember it isn't something that you turn on or off. Either you are or your not!   Keep in mind that being real is all of those things I have mentioned compassion, trust, faith, love, respect and support. You can't only put one or two in there and think that you are being real.  You can't use blunt honesty alone and think that you are being real.  Being real is not something that you use as a weapon to hurt others, being real is just another name for integrity.  Being real and keeping it real, means that you show everyone respect, offer them support, you are honest with them in a compassionate and understanding way.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Stop being so hard on yourself, the bruises aren't pretty!

I am not sure how I want to put this, but lately I have been thinking about how hard we are on ourselves.  We judge ourselves to a different standard than we hold other's too.  Why is that? Do we think we are better than others? Or do we just like beating ourselves up?  Do we let other people slide because we think they are incapable of doing a job better than us?  Honestly, I think it is more out of insecurity and frustration that we continue to beat ourselves up.  We take it to heart when we don't live up to our own expectations and we rush to judgement on ourselves and consider setbacks as failures.  We all do! You know you do, don't you?  You are your own worse critic, you don't like anything you do, and you constantly think that you could have done it better if you would have just tried harder, or whatever excuse it is that you tell yourself.

The problem is we are harsh with ourselves and we are awful quick to jump to the conclusion that we have failed at whatever task it is that didn't live up to our expectations.  The problem with doing this is your are constantly focusing on the negative, you are painting yourself into thinking you are a failure, you are belittling yourself and undermining your own self-esteem and worth.  If you are constantly doing that to yourself, and you second guess every task you undertake, what do you think others around you are going to think?  Before long everyone around you starts to see you as you do, and it becomes a cycle of abuse and cruelty.  I know that there are some of you out there that think everything must be done perfectly, that if you are off just a smidgen, then your whole project is a ruin and a failure.  Let me fill you in on something, do you know that perfectionism is just a form of procrastination? It really is folks, and guess what, you give a task to a perfectionist and it will never be completed, unless you step in and force them to end their work, because to them, it will never be perfect and therefore it cannot be completed.

I know it is easy to look at yourself and wonder why you aren't further ahead in life, and how you can beat yourself up over little things that shouldn't bother you. I can also understand why you feel that everything you do ends up wrong.  You have have set yourself up into a pattern of abuse that you need to break out of.  It might be something that you have been carrying around for years, it has become so ingrained in your daily life you don't even recognize it anymore.  Or someone in your life has criticized everything you have done and told you that you did it wrong, or you could have done it faster or better this way, or they go out of their way to make you feel bad just about everything that you do.  If any of this is true for you then you need to keep reading, because it isn't true that you are stupid, or dumb, or an idiot, what it means is that you have done something a different way than that other person, and they don't like it. They want to control you and manipulate you and they found that they can do that by using guilt or criticism to wound you.  See, there are those out there that cannot stand to see another person succeed they are so arrogant and set in their ways that they cannot accept that someone could possibly come along and do something any way that is different from their way.  But as I told you the other day there is no wrong or right way to handle a problem or situation, it is just a matter of perspective and working out the details and coming up with a workable solution.  

People that want to control you or manipulate you prey on your fears and weaknesses, they spite you and laugh at you when they are secretly envious, they want to hold you back and make you feel inferior to them because it gives them a rush and makes you feel like you are a failure. These are the people that you have to cut from your life, they are truly undermining your self-esteem and worth, they aren't doing anything for you and keeping you from realizing your own true potential. How can you honestly feel good about your accomplishments or even have a sense of fulfillment in a completed job if everyone around you is telling you that you are no good and nothing you ever do is right. Don't let yourself be caught up in this trap.  Because once you have fallen into it, it becomes so easy to stay there.  I can honestly tell you, that you may have already fallen into the trap in your youth or childhood and that is why you berate and belittle yourself now.  So if you are following me so far, you can see that there are two ways in which you fall into this pattern of behavior, the first is that you are always so hard on yourself that everyone around you begins to judge and see you as you do. Or you have people that have torn apart your self-esteem and question how you do everything.  In both cases the end result is the same, you find yourself always feeling that your best is never good enough and that everything you do fall short of your expectations.

But going back to my original question why are we so hard on ourselves?  The reason is because we have no confidence in the decisions we make or the actions we do.  So my advice to you is to start to do things for yourself, prove to yourself that you can do anything you set your mind too.  That you don't need anyone else's approval or appreciation.  A line from one of my favorite movies is " I have taught myself how to cook, clean, sew, fix a pipe, and pat myself on the back, just so I don't have to ask you to do it".  This should be your motto too. I want you to remember you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.  You are your own person, and let's face it you came into the world naked and alone, and we all leave exactly the same way, naked and alone.  So to look for someone else's approval or opinion of what we do is really not worth it at all.

I want you to take pride in all that you do, even if it isn't perfect.  You know why because nothing ever is perfect, if it was we would have nothing to worry about or stress over. I also want you to look closely in the mirror and tell yourself you have come this far all on your own, you can succeed because you don't need anyone.  When you try to please everyone at the same time you end up making some of them happy, but not all, the only person you are guaranteed to make happy all the time is yourself, but that is if you do for yourself and don't care what anyone else around you thinks.  I have told you before when you let someone else dictate how you feel or makes you feel guilty in some way then you have given them way too much power over you, and you need to take that power back.  Further, when you feel like berating yourself or getting mad because something didn't go exactly as planned, you need to really look at it and give yourself credit for accomplishing the task at all.

You must respect and love yourself and accept that you are not perfect, none of us are, so why do you expect everything you do to be perfect?  Now I ask you to cut yourself some slack just like you would someone else, because you are just like them.  Put forth your best effort and be content with the result, build up your confidence and self-esteem and you will see that life starts getting a bit easier for you and your stress level will drop lower.  You will start to feel good about yourself and the negative that you have been holding will be released and as that happens it will be replaced with the positive.  Once the positive starts flowing in your life and mind the more will be attracted too it.  Have faith in your abilities and know that you have given your best. Let go of the small things and cling to what you have done and you will be so much happier in your life.

Stop beating yourself up, stop belittling yourself and give yourself the respect and praise that you deserve, and I promise you those around you will start to do the same, and if they don't let them go and move on, because you and only you have your best interest at heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

An Abstract on Love

Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish. You have my word on this.

All my hopes and dreams are with you:

Uncle B