Rebuilding from the past

When I first moved to Florida I came with nothing except the clothes on my back, literally.  I had on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and nothing else except a broken cell phone.  During my first 8 months I experienced some setback such as going into the hospital literally 2 days after I got here.  I was in there for 14 days because my colon ruptured in 2 places while I was in there.  However, I was able to make a recovery, get a job and was able to get clothes that I needed and I was able to purchase things that I wanted along the way.  I got a job, bought a car, and got my own place on top of all of those things.  I can't say that I was happy but it didn't take me long to get furniture.  Luckily there was a place called Our Father's Closet not too far from my house that gave me a sofa bed, and some other items like a coffee table, end tables and a lamp.  I got a TV from a pawn shop and I was on my way.  Over the past 6 years or so I ended up loosing several places where I had lived, ended up homeless and most of my stuff ended up in storage units from Florida to Pennsylvania, which I had successfully kept up with till last summer when I had an unfortunate run in with the law.

I was on the street literally from July till December.  When a friend of mine reached out and opened up his home to me and allowed me to come and stay with him and his partner.  I am extremely grateful to Travis and Demario for allowing me to come into their home.  Life hasn't been kind to me if the truth is to be told.  Most of you already know from reading and following my blog that I have several medical issues and the list seems to be growing longer each passing month.  However, the month of February I took the time for myself and I started rebuilding all of the things that I had lost over the past several years.  This month I took money and bought myself a TV and I also got myself a computer and a printer.  I even purchased a tablet, however, my mother being in a similar situation to mine health wise, I have decided that I am going to send her the tablet that I have bought and wait for a little bit and before I buy another tablet.  It might take me some time but I know that with all the trips to the doctors and labs that need to be done that I am going to continue to be busy till I can get all of these surgeries done and over with that they are saying that I am needing.

I started going to pain management and I am finding that the medication that they have me on now isn't really helping me all that much.  I seem to be taking more and more just to get through the day with out any pain.  So I expressed interest in getting on Medical Marijuana but currently at the price point that they are charging here in Florida it really puts it out of my reach.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I am pretty sure that my friends aren't going to want me staying with them forever, and I am sure that it would be better to get out on my own.  But, with only being here a few months I am still not sure of my way around.  My friend Travis grew up here and is very familiar with the area so I rely on him pretty heavily.  I just fear that I am getting on their nerves and making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I have been here exactly 2 1/2 months and I am hoping that in the next 2 or so that I will have enough money saved up that I might be able to get out on my own.  However, this is something that I am trying to work on.  Though with every turn something seems to come up and I end up spending money that I wasn't planning on.  My mother's cell phone died totally and wouldn't turn on at all.  This was a necessary expense and I was glad I was in a position to get her a new one.  But since I have been here I have been running into all sorts of obstacles.  Like the UF Health here in Jacksonville is not in my network but the one in Gainesville is.  I am frustrated by this.  I am also having trouble with Ryan White here, for the past 7 years they have been paying my copays to the VA and here in Jacksonville they won't.  I am not sure what I should do and starting next month the VA is going to start garnishing my check.  Further, my partner had me bail him out of jail and then missed court. So now the bondsman is coming after me for the 3000.00 so that is going to end up coming out of my check.

So it seems for every step that I take forward, I end up falling 20 steps behind. I am not sure if I am going to recover from this fiasco altogether.  I figure that during this time when I have the little extra funds available to me that I should purchase the things that I want and need before all the garnishments hit my Social Security check.  That way when they do come I will not be needing things, I will have already built them up from.  My next big expenditure is going to be the installation of my own internet here at the house that way I don't have to rely on my friends totally for everything.  Sometimes I just feel like they think that I am trying to take advantage of their kindness and I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Overall, I am feeling great about the accomplishments that I have made since I have been here and the change of environment and scenery have really helped me maintain focus towards furthering my goal.  My big thing is that I am really trying to fit in and at times I feel like I am keeping my friends from the things that they are needing to do because they are worried about me.  Over the next month or two I am hoping that I will have either saved enough money to get a vehicle or a place of my own.  That way they won't think that I am wasting my money on things and not making sure that they are taken care of.  I also need to figure out how to work around my direct deposit issues with the credit union that I am a member of.  I like the fact that I can transfer funds directly from my checking account directly onto my credit card and not have to worry about incurring an fees or late charges.

That is another thing that I have accomplished. I was able to get myself 2 credit cards.  I am hoping that I will be able to begin rebuilding my credit and work towards getting myself totally back on my feet.

Right now I am worried about my upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon I am waiting to see what type of treatment he is going to recommend. At this point I have had 3 MRIs and I have to schedule a PET scan tomorrow.  I am struggling to keep up with all of my appointments and getting to and from them conveniently.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I set out on rebuilding my life from the remnants of my past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,




Uncle B

Learning to be

I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.

What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.

It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence.  What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to.  To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.

So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant.  I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Uncontrolled Fear

For the past 2 weeks I have been facing a fear that has become uncontrollable the longer that I have been dealing with my medical situation.  If you are familiar with my blog you will have undoubtedly read that I was told that I have a tumor growing rapidly in my right kidney.  Even worse than that the lab results that were taken this past Thursday show that my kidney functions are steadily on the decline.  This coupled with the fact that I have several other terminal illnesses that my body is also dealing with.  This has not left me with a comfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am not sure what the right course of action is at this moment in time is for me and the treatments that the doctors are suggesting.

What is funny is that I am not afraid for myself.  I am afraid for the ones that might be left alone if I were to die.  Now that I have broached the subject of death, I might as well elaborate on what I am talking about and dealing with.  See I have known for a little while that I had the tumor, what I didn't know was the possibility of it being cancerous.  That pushed it into a realm of unworldliness for me.  I have faced cancer 4 other times in my life and I have managed to get by and survive.  Sometimes in tact and other times not so unscathed by the tragedy.  The last round was back in 2012 and I ended up with a second stoma that I now have to take care of daily, as if one wasn't enough already right.   But through it all I managed to survive only to break my leg a few weeks later.  I am a person who just doesn't have good luck at all  when it comes to my body and my health. 

Since 1992, I have been in a struggle for life versus cancer.  Each time I go into the battle weighing my options.  Most cases the quality of life is the most important factor I look at.  Because there are a few things that I fear such as living as a vegetable or being confined to a wheelchair or having another stroke that limits my mobility further than the spinal fractures have already produced.  My life has not been a paved road with roses, I have had more surgeries and procedures than most people have in an entire lifetime.  At the age of 23 I had my first bout with Cancer and here we are 24 years later and I am still dealing with it.  Sometimes the reason for the tumor has been because of radiation disease, however the treatment options have always been the same.  Surgery and then preventative chemotherapy.  What most people don't know is that each time you have chemotherapy the less likely the treatment will work for you.  Just like everytime you have an operation and go under anesthesia it is harder and harder to come back.  With both of these things being said having close to 29 abdominal surgeries and countless other biopsies, colonoscopies, and other treatments, how hard do you think this surgery is going to be for me?

I am a big proponent of hoping for the best and planning for the worst, because I know how much my body has been through over the years.  Which means I have every right to feel afraid.  Because time is very short on my end, I am trying to get everything wrapped up that I possibly can so that if a complication comes up there is a plan of action.  Now I am not saying that something is definitely crop up, but as my medical track record goes out of every 5 surgeries a complication had arose and I had to stay in the hospital way longer than was expected.  So at this point I have weighed this in my analysis of what is best way to proceed when dealing with the surgery and the doctor recommendations.  But here is another fun fact that goes into my equation.  I believe in the power of pray and I know that God is the ultimate healer and that if it is His will I will be completely healed from this an there will be no decline in my comfort of living.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to pin down and overcome.  Fear is a force that needs to be reconned with.  It is an emotion that can hold you in place, and keep you from moving forward and taking the chance or surgery that is needed.  Fear is something that each of has from time to time.  Having fear doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are a chicken.  Fear is a normal reaction to scary situations and exploring unknown things.  Yet what makes one brave is confronting and dealing with the fear you are feeling.  You can also keep fear in check and use it to garner strength, the same with anger.  Anger is an emotion that can creep in at the most unexpected time, such as when you are frightened or scared.  It is triggered by the feeling of helplessness in that situation, but you must remain calm, know in your heart that this is only a momentary thing, that it will pass and you will not have to deal with it again.  Each time you conquer a fear you will be so much stronger and it will become easier to face the next fear that comes up,

Fear is something that can be beaten, you can gather greater strength and knowledge the more you face and control.  You may be wondering what my decision is about my surgery.  Since I have been worrying about this so much I decided that the best option for me was to have the surgery and face the outcome.  I doubt that my quality of life will improve, but I don't see how it could possibly diminish either by having it.  i have weighed both sides of the coin from the result of all the test that have come back.  My kidney function isn't improving and the medication that I take is building up a toxicity in my blood stream that the kidney can no longer filter out for me.  So at this point it seems that the best option for me to pursue is the one of having the tumor removed and sending off to see if it is malignant or benign.  Like I said earlier in the blog is that I am not afraid of dying and that is true.  I have a fear for those that I have left behind, for those people that I have been trying to help and all of those that I have helped and those that depend on my opinion and me.  But I know in the long run that everyone will be fine.  I just hope and pray that they remember me and do for someone else what I have done for them.

2016 was supposed to be a spectacular year with low or no incidences of health issues.  Lord knows that I would have love that, because in 2015 I only spent 4 days in the hospital versus the year before when I spend almost 10 full months in the hospital.  Life seemed to be getting better for me if you compare 2013 to now.  This time things feel different too me and I fear that I am going to have to face this surgery all by myself.  Long time readers will know that my biggest fear is dying alone and forgotten.  I have done so many things in my life for others that I believe that it will be very hard for anyone who has met me to forget me totally.  But the alone part is the hard thing that I am wrestling with now.  Because I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery is going to be, or where for that matter.  My VA doctors are wanting me to go to Tampa to the VA hospital there,  keep in mind that I live in Daytona Beach which is close to 3 hours away.  I do have an alternative plan when the Urologist here in Daytona could operate on me and bill the VA or medicare which ever one decides to pay. 

Weighing the pros and cons of a situation is one of my ways of dealing with problem situations and which ever column comes out with the list amount of entries is usually the way that I go.  But I also try to analyze the consequences of the choice that I have made.  If the cost and risk outweighs the benefit and least amount of consequence I move in that direction.  Each individual decision has a certain amount of risk involved and it is up to you to weigh the risks against the rewards and make a choice.  You can also try and mitigate some of the risks to make the rewards that much better.  I don't know what you are going through or if this might help someone else out there that might be going through something similar, but I hope that I can reach at least one person that might need the advice. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To live quietly and walk with confidence will take you further in life

When I talk about living quietly I mean letting your actions be your voice, lead by example.  I know we have talked about lies, truth, integrity.  But what about your actions, how are they interpreted by those who observe them?  Honestly the old adage actions speaks louder than words is so accurate it isn't funny.  Every day I strive to live by my word and let my actions show my affection and love.  Many people aren't used to that so they don't know how to take me.  Yet, it is the way I think is effective in demonstrating that you practice what you preach.

When you are confident about yourself there is an air around you that others notice and are drawn too.  Almost like there is an energy field around you and your quiet confidence and sureness lends authority to your manner.  You demonstrate through actions that you know what you are doing and that you are firm.  Living this way will impress everyone around you.  They are going to want to be like you and envy you.  But it isn't all about that.  What it is about is that those who see you know immediately that they can trust you, that you aren't going to let them down.  You have a certain gleam in your eyes, you are not over ambitious or one that is going to pull the wool over their eyes.  You are truly a man of integrity and someone that others can look up to and emulate.

Think about it, I am sure you have seen a very confident person, a person who has everything going for them. They are positive, outgoing and receptive to new ideas and things.  They are people persons, those who go out of their way to show that they care about themselves and others.  These are the people that are soon moved into leadership positions and can command the attention of a room just by walking into it. The don't demonstrate fear, they show understanding and compassion as well as learning.  Usually they are accomplished and intelligent and wear their confidence like a second skin.

If you can be more like them I am sure you can see how this will open doors for you.  If you are grouchy, crotchety or any other nasty euphemism I can think of do you think you will get very far in your career or with the goals in your life?  If you are sitting there waiting for things to happen for you, do they?  The answer to both of those is NO.  You have to grab life by the horns and take a step forward.  You have to know what you want and not let anything stop you in getting it.  This will build your confidence and if you soften this with letting your actions show how you are feeling you will find that  you have become and unstoppable force.

But if you sit there waiting for your ship to come in or for the right opportunity to come knocking at your door, you are going to wake up one day and find that life has passed  you by and you have missed all the opportunities that you we waiting for.  You have to go out there and live. You cannot sit idly by and hope and pray that things will come your way.  Remember that sometimes a door is closed so that we can open it and step through.  You might be surprised at what you find on the other side of it.

See I keep trying to tell people it isn't where you end up that matters it is the road that you took to get there that builds you up and makes you the person you are. Remember what I said last year about us being the sum of all our interactions, decisions, choice and the consequences of them.  Well, that is the road I am talking about here. See it is all of those things that have brought you to your stopping point that have tempered you and molded you and made you ready for where you are at.

So please go out there show others how much you care for them through  your actions.  Have that air of confidence around you always and see what doors it will open for you.

Take some time and think about it, I am sure you will come to find that I am right.  Just like when you are in and interview if you are successful in selling yourself to the employer you have got the job.  If you aren't successful guess what they move on and select another candidate.  It is all about your confidence level.

Trust me it works.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Stop being so hard on yourself, the bruises aren't pretty!

I am not sure how I want to put this, but lately I have been thinking about how hard we are on ourselves.  We judge ourselves to a different standard than we hold other's too.  Why is that? Do we think we are better than others? Or do we just like beating ourselves up?  Do we let other people slide because we think they are incapable of doing a job better than us?  Honestly, I think it is more out of insecurity and frustration that we continue to beat ourselves up.  We take it to heart when we don't live up to our own expectations and we rush to judgement on ourselves and consider setbacks as failures.  We all do! You know you do, don't you?  You are your own worse critic, you don't like anything you do, and you constantly think that you could have done it better if you would have just tried harder, or whatever excuse it is that you tell yourself.

The problem is we are harsh with ourselves and we are awful quick to jump to the conclusion that we have failed at whatever task it is that didn't live up to our expectations.  The problem with doing this is your are constantly focusing on the negative, you are painting yourself into thinking you are a failure, you are belittling yourself and undermining your own self-esteem and worth.  If you are constantly doing that to yourself, and you second guess every task you undertake, what do you think others around you are going to think?  Before long everyone around you starts to see you as you do, and it becomes a cycle of abuse and cruelty.  I know that there are some of you out there that think everything must be done perfectly, that if you are off just a smidgen, then your whole project is a ruin and a failure.  Let me fill you in on something, do you know that perfectionism is just a form of procrastination? It really is folks, and guess what, you give a task to a perfectionist and it will never be completed, unless you step in and force them to end their work, because to them, it will never be perfect and therefore it cannot be completed.

I know it is easy to look at yourself and wonder why you aren't further ahead in life, and how you can beat yourself up over little things that shouldn't bother you. I can also understand why you feel that everything you do ends up wrong.  You have have set yourself up into a pattern of abuse that you need to break out of.  It might be something that you have been carrying around for years, it has become so ingrained in your daily life you don't even recognize it anymore.  Or someone in your life has criticized everything you have done and told you that you did it wrong, or you could have done it faster or better this way, or they go out of their way to make you feel bad just about everything that you do.  If any of this is true for you then you need to keep reading, because it isn't true that you are stupid, or dumb, or an idiot, what it means is that you have done something a different way than that other person, and they don't like it. They want to control you and manipulate you and they found that they can do that by using guilt or criticism to wound you.  See, there are those out there that cannot stand to see another person succeed they are so arrogant and set in their ways that they cannot accept that someone could possibly come along and do something any way that is different from their way.  But as I told you the other day there is no wrong or right way to handle a problem or situation, it is just a matter of perspective and working out the details and coming up with a workable solution.  

People that want to control you or manipulate you prey on your fears and weaknesses, they spite you and laugh at you when they are secretly envious, they want to hold you back and make you feel inferior to them because it gives them a rush and makes you feel like you are a failure. These are the people that you have to cut from your life, they are truly undermining your self-esteem and worth, they aren't doing anything for you and keeping you from realizing your own true potential. How can you honestly feel good about your accomplishments or even have a sense of fulfillment in a completed job if everyone around you is telling you that you are no good and nothing you ever do is right. Don't let yourself be caught up in this trap.  Because once you have fallen into it, it becomes so easy to stay there.  I can honestly tell you, that you may have already fallen into the trap in your youth or childhood and that is why you berate and belittle yourself now.  So if you are following me so far, you can see that there are two ways in which you fall into this pattern of behavior, the first is that you are always so hard on yourself that everyone around you begins to judge and see you as you do. Or you have people that have torn apart your self-esteem and question how you do everything.  In both cases the end result is the same, you find yourself always feeling that your best is never good enough and that everything you do fall short of your expectations.

But going back to my original question why are we so hard on ourselves?  The reason is because we have no confidence in the decisions we make or the actions we do.  So my advice to you is to start to do things for yourself, prove to yourself that you can do anything you set your mind too.  That you don't need anyone else's approval or appreciation.  A line from one of my favorite movies is " I have taught myself how to cook, clean, sew, fix a pipe, and pat myself on the back, just so I don't have to ask you to do it".  This should be your motto too. I want you to remember you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.  You are your own person, and let's face it you came into the world naked and alone, and we all leave exactly the same way, naked and alone.  So to look for someone else's approval or opinion of what we do is really not worth it at all.

I want you to take pride in all that you do, even if it isn't perfect.  You know why because nothing ever is perfect, if it was we would have nothing to worry about or stress over. I also want you to look closely in the mirror and tell yourself you have come this far all on your own, you can succeed because you don't need anyone.  When you try to please everyone at the same time you end up making some of them happy, but not all, the only person you are guaranteed to make happy all the time is yourself, but that is if you do for yourself and don't care what anyone else around you thinks.  I have told you before when you let someone else dictate how you feel or makes you feel guilty in some way then you have given them way too much power over you, and you need to take that power back.  Further, when you feel like berating yourself or getting mad because something didn't go exactly as planned, you need to really look at it and give yourself credit for accomplishing the task at all.

You must respect and love yourself and accept that you are not perfect, none of us are, so why do you expect everything you do to be perfect?  Now I ask you to cut yourself some slack just like you would someone else, because you are just like them.  Put forth your best effort and be content with the result, build up your confidence and self-esteem and you will see that life starts getting a bit easier for you and your stress level will drop lower.  You will start to feel good about yourself and the negative that you have been holding will be released and as that happens it will be replaced with the positive.  Once the positive starts flowing in your life and mind the more will be attracted too it.  Have faith in your abilities and know that you have given your best. Let go of the small things and cling to what you have done and you will be so much happier in your life.

Stop beating yourself up, stop belittling yourself and give yourself the respect and praise that you deserve, and I promise you those around you will start to do the same, and if they don't let them go and move on, because you and only you have your best interest at heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B