I woke up in a haze and wondered how if today was the day I would change my ways.
You came in and handed me a syringe and there I start my endless binge.
A wake me up, a pick me up and then a shot to make it through, my days flash through and it was all I knew.
Something missing the search is on, but it was well and truly gone, no one saw, never touched and still it can't be found it's nearly dawn.
I don't know where I am going to lay my head, I have been on my feet and walked on and on I am nearly dead.
I am broke and fading, I spent the day contemplating and still I can't figure out what's the joke.
No food no home I am on my own, so it down the streets I roam.
Homeless and worried about my high never thinking that I should ask my self why?
I have given my all to those around me, shared and tried to be fair, but in the end it is me that is left with nothing to show and my cupboards are still bare.
Every day the endless cycle begins, I don't know how to make it end, I am stuck and alone with nothing to call my own.
That is they way I feel each and every day, I know I have got to find another way,
But all my friends are just like me full of false hope and drudgery.
My days and night were filled with hopeless despair until I decided that realized that it was all more than I could bear so made a change and left it all behind and I chose a different path to grind.
Now things are so much better than they were before and I don't feel like my life is at chaos and war.
*********
This is dedicate to all those who I have left behind who are still struggling and railing against the grand design. I hope that soon you will find peace that comes with recovery and clear headedness.
All my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Effecting Change
Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone. Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums. I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post. I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times. Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Learning to be
I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.
What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.
It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence. What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to. To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.
So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant. I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
One year! You'd Be Surprised at How Far You can Go!
It is true how amazed you can be at how far you can come and travel in just one year's time. A whole lot of things can happen in just a years time, and sometimes how far you grow, travel, mature, and advance in that time can just take your breathe away. No one knows this better than me, never give up hope, faith and trust, because of where you are at. It isn't the destination that is important it is the path or road you take there that makes all the difference. See it really doesn't matter, there are many avenues and roads to a certain destination, but the lessons one learns, accepts and practices along the way are what make all the differences in the world. If anyone has ever told you that life was going to be easy, that there wasn't going to be any risks, or that you aren't going to have to make some really tough decisions, they lied to you. Because, for each choice that we make there are consequences either good or bad that we have to accept and contend with. I have told you before and will keep telling you over and over again till it sinks in. If it isn't hard it isn't worth it. If you don't have to work hard to get it and keep it then there is something terribly wrong with it and will only lead you to loose it or worse someone is going to come along and steal it out from under you. Those things that we have to work hard for, and struggle to keep hold of are the things that we cherish the most in the world. Further, what makes it so precious too us is what we had to come through, go through and withstand to obtain it. These are lessons my friends! Building block to go higher and further than we have ever been before.
You can change your whole life in just a year. You can re-invent yourself, become a totally different person, learn a whole new set of values and ideals in just a year. You can even learn a new language or teach yourself anything. There is nothing holding you back from accomplishing whatever you set your mind to but yourself. Over the summer I wrote to you about 2 things that can keep you from completing a task that you start. Or even keep you from trying! Do you remember what those two things were? Fear and Jealousy are the two things that can keep us from succeeding at our goals. Whether, your fear or jealousy or someone else's. Fear can hold us in place and keep us from trying, jealousy of others can keep us focused on what others have and what we want or hope to have but never putting for the effort to go out there and get it. Jealousy on another person's part can cause them to whisper doubts in our ears, point out our limitations, and what they think are our weaknesses. They can also try and stop us with either words or actions, or be standing right there and try to take it away from us. Keep that in mind as you move forward in your life, cut loose those that don't support you, and be wary of those that want everything you have. Divorce yourself form your fear, because fear has no place in those that have faith and trust.
A year may not seem like a lot of time but I want you to see how far a person can go and grow in that amount of time. A year ago today I was in an extended stay hotel, been there for a month, I had lost my apartment. My two dogs and I were put up in the extended stay by Travelers Aid in Atlanta. Last year on this day was the hardest day of my life and one that I hope to never have to relive again. The funding for the hotel ran out, I had to leave the hotel, I had nowhere to go, and my friend that I thought I was moving in with backed out on me at the last moment without any warning or notice. Because I didn't have a place to go and no one to help keep my dogs, animal control was called and both my dogs were taken from me. One was just a pup, his name was Skylar, he was a lab/springer spaniel mix. He was going to be a year old on December 10th, the other was Madison she was 3 and was a lab/pit mix. I lost them that day, and they were put to sleep. My friend Linda took my stuff from the hotel and put it in storage with her things. Unfortunately, for me the entire month of October I was in an out of the hospital with kidney stones and renal failure and wasn't feeling all that well still, and couldn't really carry or help move anything. Long story short here I lost everything, my jewelry, my important papers, my dogs, all of my clothes, sweatshirts, jackets and shoes. I truly ended up with nothing but the clothes on my very back. My car was stolen, my life was a wreck and I had no where to turn too. I was on the street for the first time in my life. I tried staying with friends, squatted in an abandoned apartment, slept in the park, and did things I have never had to do in my life before, yet somehow I managed to keep doing drugs and getting high. I even got my car back for a short period of time. Then in December my car got stolen again this time with what little I could salvage and save from my life. I had put everything in that vehicle and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. I had to have kidney surgery 2 days before Christmas and had no real place to stay except that abandoned apartment. I was able to stay there for 4 days till I was thrown out of it. What few things I had managed to save from my car were locked in that apartment and never to be seen again. Luckily I got a hold of my father and he was able to help me, he got me into a hotel for a couple of days and when that ran out he got me into an extended stay. But that too was short lived. By January 10th I was back on the street with nothing. Just my jacket and sweats...I was freezing cold and it seemed to never stop raining.
I wasn't alone in all of this I had my trusty group of companions with me, and they were going through the same things I was. It was a real mess that 4 grown adults couldn't seem to make things work and come up with money needed to stay off the streets, but guess what drugs and alcohol were involved and when you add those things into the mix money never seems to get you to where you need to go because you have to have that fix first. I can tell you now that looking back my priorities were really screwed up. I had made money could have afforded the bills and could have held out, but I spent the money foolishly, wasted it on drugs, sex and other things that I didn't need. Like I was telling my niece today sometimes we need to regroup, refocus and realign our priorities. Sometimes that means retreating to a safer ground, get our act together and set ourselves up for success. Which is exactly what I did in February.
See being and living on the streets for me was an experience, one I am not really ready to repeat, but it taught me a lot of things about myself, the people I knew, and what others go through. The obstacles and challenges, the many things that can hold you down and keep you right where you are at. Sometimes it can be down right impossible to catch a break and get off of them streets. I know been there and done that. With all of that being said, understand that with a colostomy, kidney stones and a history of dehydration as well as kidney failure, the streets are no place for me. My medical condition alone made it near impossible to be comfortable or clean while out there. However, as I said I learned a great many things, I wouldn't change the experience at all. It made me grow and mature, it gave me a greater insight to the human condition and a better understanding of how people work and react to street people. Further, I learned a lot about the system that is set in place that is supposed to help those that are trapped out there, but in actuality it prevents them from reentering society in a meaningful and useful capacity. I learned about programs like HOPWA, Travelers Aid, Catholic Charities, Buckhead Christian Ministries and a whole host of programs that are supposed to help those in need and desperate for support and help.
But all of that is for another lesson. This one is about how far a person or an individual can travel, grow and go in just a short period of time. As I explained sometimes it might be necessary to regroup, retreat and refocus your energies. You need to set yourself up for success, you can't expect anyone to do it for you. Now you might need a helping hand at first. I know that I sure did. Because of who I was with and what I was doing I never seemed to break even, much less get a head. I found myself constantly in situations and problems that I couldn't get out of. The people who I thought were my friends and who would have my back walked away from me, or worse did stuff to keep me down and out. Not only did I suffer from despair and hopelessness, but my entire support network was nowhere to be found when I needed them. However, this taught me a valuable lesson, if I wanted to make a difference and change my life I needed to get off my ass and do it. Because nobody else was and nobody was going to help me do it. Life doesn't come with a remote! If you don't like it get up and change it yourself!
Which is just what I did. In February I had my dad by me a ticket back to Florida, which I immediately paid him back when I got here. My check was waiting for me when I got here. It was agreed that I could stay with him and my step mom for till I got back on my feet. Which I did, despite being ill. I wasn't even here a week before I had to go to the Emergency Room. Then the very beginning of the next month my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was in the hospital for 19 days. I had to have major surgery and my entire middle was cut open. I was flat on my back for almost 8 full weeks and during that time I had to give myself daily and sometimes 2 times daily liquid antibiotics via I.V. I was just getting finished with all of that and it was June already, when I had to have another surgery and was down again, however, I had started writing and doing other things to occupy my time and get my mind off of my situation and on to other things. July 3rd I was in an accident and broke my leg. You can imagine how that put a cramp in all of my plans. However by mid August, I got a car, landed a job and was well on my way. Then in September I did something terribly stupid, I left and went back to Atlanta for a visit, and well those of you who know me know that it didn't go well at all. I ended up in and out of the hospital most of September and October. As a matter of fact I was on my way to the Emergency Room yet again on October 19, 2012 when my father told me that I had to be out of their house by the end of the month. Now, as you can imagine I was totally unprepared for that, but I figured with my job and everything, I would be okay. I still didn't have any money at the time I was told all of this, but went to work and told my employers what was happening and they told me they would find me a place to live. Little did I know that less than 2 weeks later I was going to be let go because of my medical condition and them thinking I wouldn't be able to do the job that I was hired for.
But as luck would have it and a good healthy does of Prayer and Faith, i moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, worked out a deal with the landlord and was in the place way before the deadline my dad had given me. Now, not everything has been easy and I had to work my butt off to make ends meet but let me tell you God brought me through and I am still going and on my own. As I sit back and write all of this I am beginning to see that God knew I need the push, that I needed to get out on my own and that I need the challenge of getting my feet back under me, hence the nudge out of the house. I had been there for 8 months, and with all the health problems I am sure my dad thought I was never going to leave. But here I am safe and sound in my new place and doing my own thing. I may not have furniture but I certainly have come a great distance from where I was just a year ago. I am self sustaining, I have a roof over my head, it is my own place, and I have food to eat, clothing on my back, a car, though it needs some repairs, I am enrolled back in school for a new career, and i am out on my own. I also have been able to help my dad out with small loans here and there. I have cleaned up my act, gotten off the drugs and made some positive advances in my life, I have a checking and savings account with a little bit of money in each, and gas in the car. All and all I think I have done pretty good for myself despite all of the setbacks and roadblocks that life has thrown at me. I have over come them all and I have my feet back underneath me.
Life isn't fair, it doesn't play by a set rule book and troubles and problems can come at you from all different directions, you just have to have faith, have a solid plan in mind and execute it with precision and you will be amazed at how far you can go. Currently, I am even thinking that I might try and get my part time job back, my health issues seem to have resolved themselves somewhat and I can get back into the swing of things. In just a total of 6 months of productive time look at all I was able to accomplish. Think how much you will be able to accomplish if you just sit down, prioritize, fall back and re-group. Amazing things happen when you have your priorities and focus in check. You can accomplish anything, especially when you have a solid plan of attack and have laid a firm foundation to make sure that you are a success. See if you set yourself up for success how can you fail? You can't but it is taking the time to regroup, even retreat if necessary to get yourself grounded, realign your focus and set your priorities correctly. That is giving yourself a firm foundation or plan of attack from that you have already set yourself up for success.
Remember, retreat is always an option, it is a defensive move and a strategic one. It allows for proper planning and displacement of troops, military's use it all the time. It also allows for re-enforcement's to arrive and for rest and relaxation before another battle. Believe it or not life and living is a war, and you have to battle daily to make yourself a success. Use my example and see how regrouping helped me, how my resting at my dad's and having him as my back up and re-enforcement really helped.
You can come a long way, learn so much and grow in unexpected ways in just a year. I am living proof that it can be done..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
See being and living on the streets for me was an experience, one I am not really ready to repeat, but it taught me a lot of things about myself, the people I knew, and what others go through. The obstacles and challenges, the many things that can hold you down and keep you right where you are at. Sometimes it can be down right impossible to catch a break and get off of them streets. I know been there and done that. With all of that being said, understand that with a colostomy, kidney stones and a history of dehydration as well as kidney failure, the streets are no place for me. My medical condition alone made it near impossible to be comfortable or clean while out there. However, as I said I learned a great many things, I wouldn't change the experience at all. It made me grow and mature, it gave me a greater insight to the human condition and a better understanding of how people work and react to street people. Further, I learned a lot about the system that is set in place that is supposed to help those that are trapped out there, but in actuality it prevents them from reentering society in a meaningful and useful capacity. I learned about programs like HOPWA, Travelers Aid, Catholic Charities, Buckhead Christian Ministries and a whole host of programs that are supposed to help those in need and desperate for support and help.
But all of that is for another lesson. This one is about how far a person or an individual can travel, grow and go in just a short period of time. As I explained sometimes it might be necessary to regroup, retreat and refocus your energies. You need to set yourself up for success, you can't expect anyone to do it for you. Now you might need a helping hand at first. I know that I sure did. Because of who I was with and what I was doing I never seemed to break even, much less get a head. I found myself constantly in situations and problems that I couldn't get out of. The people who I thought were my friends and who would have my back walked away from me, or worse did stuff to keep me down and out. Not only did I suffer from despair and hopelessness, but my entire support network was nowhere to be found when I needed them. However, this taught me a valuable lesson, if I wanted to make a difference and change my life I needed to get off my ass and do it. Because nobody else was and nobody was going to help me do it. Life doesn't come with a remote! If you don't like it get up and change it yourself!
Which is just what I did. In February I had my dad by me a ticket back to Florida, which I immediately paid him back when I got here. My check was waiting for me when I got here. It was agreed that I could stay with him and my step mom for till I got back on my feet. Which I did, despite being ill. I wasn't even here a week before I had to go to the Emergency Room. Then the very beginning of the next month my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was in the hospital for 19 days. I had to have major surgery and my entire middle was cut open. I was flat on my back for almost 8 full weeks and during that time I had to give myself daily and sometimes 2 times daily liquid antibiotics via I.V. I was just getting finished with all of that and it was June already, when I had to have another surgery and was down again, however, I had started writing and doing other things to occupy my time and get my mind off of my situation and on to other things. July 3rd I was in an accident and broke my leg. You can imagine how that put a cramp in all of my plans. However by mid August, I got a car, landed a job and was well on my way. Then in September I did something terribly stupid, I left and went back to Atlanta for a visit, and well those of you who know me know that it didn't go well at all. I ended up in and out of the hospital most of September and October. As a matter of fact I was on my way to the Emergency Room yet again on October 19, 2012 when my father told me that I had to be out of their house by the end of the month. Now, as you can imagine I was totally unprepared for that, but I figured with my job and everything, I would be okay. I still didn't have any money at the time I was told all of this, but went to work and told my employers what was happening and they told me they would find me a place to live. Little did I know that less than 2 weeks later I was going to be let go because of my medical condition and them thinking I wouldn't be able to do the job that I was hired for.
But as luck would have it and a good healthy does of Prayer and Faith, i moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, worked out a deal with the landlord and was in the place way before the deadline my dad had given me. Now, not everything has been easy and I had to work my butt off to make ends meet but let me tell you God brought me through and I am still going and on my own. As I sit back and write all of this I am beginning to see that God knew I need the push, that I needed to get out on my own and that I need the challenge of getting my feet back under me, hence the nudge out of the house. I had been there for 8 months, and with all the health problems I am sure my dad thought I was never going to leave. But here I am safe and sound in my new place and doing my own thing. I may not have furniture but I certainly have come a great distance from where I was just a year ago. I am self sustaining, I have a roof over my head, it is my own place, and I have food to eat, clothing on my back, a car, though it needs some repairs, I am enrolled back in school for a new career, and i am out on my own. I also have been able to help my dad out with small loans here and there. I have cleaned up my act, gotten off the drugs and made some positive advances in my life, I have a checking and savings account with a little bit of money in each, and gas in the car. All and all I think I have done pretty good for myself despite all of the setbacks and roadblocks that life has thrown at me. I have over come them all and I have my feet back underneath me.
Life isn't fair, it doesn't play by a set rule book and troubles and problems can come at you from all different directions, you just have to have faith, have a solid plan in mind and execute it with precision and you will be amazed at how far you can go. Currently, I am even thinking that I might try and get my part time job back, my health issues seem to have resolved themselves somewhat and I can get back into the swing of things. In just a total of 6 months of productive time look at all I was able to accomplish. Think how much you will be able to accomplish if you just sit down, prioritize, fall back and re-group. Amazing things happen when you have your priorities and focus in check. You can accomplish anything, especially when you have a solid plan of attack and have laid a firm foundation to make sure that you are a success. See if you set yourself up for success how can you fail? You can't but it is taking the time to regroup, even retreat if necessary to get yourself grounded, realign your focus and set your priorities correctly. That is giving yourself a firm foundation or plan of attack from that you have already set yourself up for success.
Remember, retreat is always an option, it is a defensive move and a strategic one. It allows for proper planning and displacement of troops, military's use it all the time. It also allows for re-enforcement's to arrive and for rest and relaxation before another battle. Believe it or not life and living is a war, and you have to battle daily to make yourself a success. Use my example and see how regrouping helped me, how my resting at my dad's and having him as my back up and re-enforcement really helped.
You can come a long way, learn so much and grow in unexpected ways in just a year. I am living proof that it can be done..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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