Disappointments should be nothing new to me. I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now. Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time. I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip. Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options. I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon. Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside, I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction. I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend. A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent. This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label challenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenge. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Learn, Live and Adapt
08/02/18
Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem. A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer. Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time. How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone.
Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud. Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.
During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked. I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future. Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent. He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with. Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once. Wonder why I even considered him a friend.
On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it. Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief.
Starting over is never an easy thing to do. This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name. I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time. My health was too poor to handle the situation. I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was. Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.
So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn. I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her. Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car. To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.
My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery. So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all. My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again. I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician. I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!
If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time. When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona. Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time. It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around.
Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta. Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future. Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together. Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on. I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that. All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book. For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past. The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more!
Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together. This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together. You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate. Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before. I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen.
But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way. Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring. You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others. This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating. When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me. It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm. Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't. What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.
It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship. Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had. So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them. The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact. There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life. The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today. These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs. Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned.
Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care. Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time. I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.
Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain. It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen. Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction. Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time. It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem. A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer. Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time. How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone.
Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud. Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.
During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked. I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future. Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent. He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with. Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once. Wonder why I even considered him a friend.
On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it. Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief.
Starting over is never an easy thing to do. This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name. I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time. My health was too poor to handle the situation. I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was. Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.
So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn. I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her. Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car. To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.
My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery. So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all. My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again. I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician. I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!
If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time. When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona. Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time. It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around.
Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta. Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future. Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together. Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on. I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that. All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book. For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past. The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more!
Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together. This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together. You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate. Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before. I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen.
But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way. Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring. You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others. This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating. When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me. It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm. Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't. What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.
It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship. Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had. So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them. The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact. There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life. The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today. These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs. Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned.
Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care. Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time. I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.
Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain. It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen. Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction. Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time. It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Learning to be
I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.
What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.
It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence. What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to. To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.
So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant. I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Moving forward and letting go! (it can be really hard)
Life is in constant motion, and waits for no one. You don't know the day or hour that it might all come to an end. So, how do you move forward and let go of the past? The answer is not as simple as you might think. History is a bitch, and can cause many problems as you try to sort out your life and take your next steps. I find that 2015 is going to be all about is all about me and my dream. I can't sit back and let the past overtake me again. I have to keep my head up and keep going forward. I can't let anything pull me backwards. Too often my life has been mired down in drama, some of my own creation, most not. As one boyfriend once stated "Bryan it isn't you it is all that extra". At the time I had no idea what he was talking about, but I have seen first hand through the first part of January just how I attract and keep drama close. I have the penchant and desire to try and rescue everyone in my life. I can't do that, I really can't even take care of myself at the present time. So how in the world can I help someone else? The long and the short of it is I can't. So instead of crying over my past actions, I have had to make changes in my life and the people that I hang out with. I am even contemplating changing my location again. I am not real happy where I am at in life. But I know that I am where I am supposed to be at the moment, I just can't help feeling that there is a major change brewing on the horizon, and that it is going to change everything about me and the way that I view life.
It took the loss of a dear friend this past week to pull my head out of the sand and look at the situation I have found myself in. See, I created the environment and made some poor decisions. Which for those of you that know me you know that this is nothing new for me. I have a tendency to push those that love me and want the best for me away and attract the ones that harbor ill interests. But, from my many conversations with Mary Benefield about my relationship issues and the trials that I have found myself in over the past year. I keep hearing her words over and over in my head "Bryan you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you certainly don't have to take the abuse and you have to cut your losses and let go." I finally did that when he left me in April I was devastated but it was my friend Mary that put things into perspective for me she said " you were on an emotional roller coaster and have cried and been hurt so many times, maybe you need to give someone else a chance." I am amazed at how astute her observations were and how well she had read the situation. Because once I stopped caring and took the first step forward, it became easier. Now, as the months have climbed and he has been away, I have finally found someone that has a mutual respect for me. We are closer in age and have so much in common. But, the circumstances under which we met and found ourselves in currently sure is something to write about another time.
It is funny how life bring people in and out of our lives at just the right moment. You know that there just has to be a cosmic hand guiding the choreography of our lives. I can't believe that chance brought you too me. No, I think it was God that planned this a long time before I was born. He knew the trials and fires that I would have to go through that honed and tempered me into the steel that I am today. The heat of the fires have cleansed the impurities from my life and have left sparkling shining steel. Life is a series of adventures, but remember adventures takes us on a circuitous route. When fate intervenes we are taken directly where we need to be. I think that today has been a day of learning and exploration for me. I am sitting with tear filled eyes thinking of my friend Mary, but I know she wouldn't want me to hurt. She would want me to be happy and use my head. So that is what I am doing. I am putting down what I am feeling and thinking about.
Sometimes the past just needs to stay where it is. It can only complicate things and cloud the future if you let it. So let go. Move forward and move onward. I have reached a conclusion this evening when my ex and his new boyfriend phoned and said that they wanted to come and see me. That they want to be my friend. But why now, what is the purpose of the visit? Why did the boyfriend have to ask me if I thought I would be uncomfortable? Something in this is just not adding up for me. So I am going to have to tell them that now is not the time to come. I am not sure why but I have a feeling that if I let them come all sorts of drama from my past is going to come flying up in my face. I think it is best to leave lying dogs lie right?
Mary would tell me that I am stupid, that I haven't thought this through and that I should tell them not to come. The person that I am seeing now has pretty much told me that he isn't down with the drama and that he doesn't feel comfortable with me meeting them without him here with me. See, sometimes you just have to have closure and once you have it you have to let go and move on. You can't be the friend that you were in the past and you don't honestly know how your emotions and feeling are going to react when you are in a situation like this. I am in agreement that I should pass on this visit for now. That I need more time I remember the pain, and the hurt that was caused when the ex left, do I really want to remove the light layer of skin that has finally covered that wound?
You can't take a step forward if you are tied to your past. There has to be a point in your life when you just let go and move on. You let those that left you behind sail on their own way because you have made it through the wilderness and you have made it to the other side. I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to cling to their past. I analyzed my own past and realized that it was my own fear of rejection that was holding me in a state of perpetual hibernation and stagnation. I couldn't move forward or backward because I didn't accept myself for the person I am or have become. I was dependent on the images that others had of me. Now for the first time I am seeing the man staring back at me in the mirror and I do understand that in order for me to move forward I have to have complete acceptance of myself and what has become of me. I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to love myself and I have to embrace my uniqueness and as Mary would say "embrace your Awesomeness".
It is true each of is unique, we are awesome and have a story that makes us unique. We are an art piece that is coming together under the masters hands and we have to trust that He knows what He is doing. We are being molded, melded and formed for a specific task and everything that we have come through and endured have made it possible for us to be strong in the face of the odds arrayed against us. We are never alone in this world and nothing is beyond our reach and grasp if we embrace and accept ourselves for who we are. Understand and accept your limitations, disabilities and abilities. Take each new day and learn something new from it. For when you learn something new and share it with others it helps you move along the road of life.
No matter what you think or believe no relationship is painless and it won't last forever. True that love never dies truly, that there will always be some sort of feeling there for you, but you can move on when it ends. You can find someone new. Even if you were like my grandparents and endured a relationship for over 50 years. My grandmother died before my grandfather and left him alone. So even in a perfect world nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent and if you take the chance to love, realize that eventually you are going to feel pain. Everything ends, everything has it season and then it is over. Life doesn't wait for anyone, get on and hold on tight because it is going to be a long and bumpy road with lots of obstacles, hurdles and pitfalls. But just wait till you get through you are going to be a unique piece of artwork, priceless and precious.
Let go of your past, it is holding you back. Embrace your fears, let go of your guilt. Accept that life is challenging and that you are learning new lessons every day. Keep in your mind always that this too shall pass, and you will be okay. Release, take that step, it is never to late for you to change and it is never too late to start over. Many of us have done it plenty of times. Each time we have started over the blessings of letting God have the reigns of your life and lead you is so rewarding you forget about the pain and fears and see only the positive blessings that are flowing your way.
2015 is a year of change, embrace it, jump on and hold on for dear life, because you are in for a journey and you never know where you are going to end up till this cycle is done. I honestly believe that life comes at us in a series of cycles and at the end of each cycle if we take stock of where we started and where we are at the end a great distance has been traveled and many lessons have been learned along the way.
So, I want you to take away something from this entry. I want you to realize that rebirth, renewal and strength are gained by the many trials you have faced and come through. Nothing last forever, nothing ever could. Life, love, happiness and hope are found within yourself and no where else. Complete and total acceptance of yourself is required for you to move onward and upward and when everything is said and done and your life has finally come to an end. You will know in your heart just truly how precious and priceless you really were and that so many lives were touched by your passing that you couldn't have ever guessed. It all starts and ends with you. Let go take that first step. It will be hard but I know you can do it. Embrace your own Awesomeness and let no man hold you down again.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
It took the loss of a dear friend this past week to pull my head out of the sand and look at the situation I have found myself in. See, I created the environment and made some poor decisions. Which for those of you that know me you know that this is nothing new for me. I have a tendency to push those that love me and want the best for me away and attract the ones that harbor ill interests. But, from my many conversations with Mary Benefield about my relationship issues and the trials that I have found myself in over the past year. I keep hearing her words over and over in my head "Bryan you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you certainly don't have to take the abuse and you have to cut your losses and let go." I finally did that when he left me in April I was devastated but it was my friend Mary that put things into perspective for me she said " you were on an emotional roller coaster and have cried and been hurt so many times, maybe you need to give someone else a chance." I am amazed at how astute her observations were and how well she had read the situation. Because once I stopped caring and took the first step forward, it became easier. Now, as the months have climbed and he has been away, I have finally found someone that has a mutual respect for me. We are closer in age and have so much in common. But, the circumstances under which we met and found ourselves in currently sure is something to write about another time.
It is funny how life bring people in and out of our lives at just the right moment. You know that there just has to be a cosmic hand guiding the choreography of our lives. I can't believe that chance brought you too me. No, I think it was God that planned this a long time before I was born. He knew the trials and fires that I would have to go through that honed and tempered me into the steel that I am today. The heat of the fires have cleansed the impurities from my life and have left sparkling shining steel. Life is a series of adventures, but remember adventures takes us on a circuitous route. When fate intervenes we are taken directly where we need to be. I think that today has been a day of learning and exploration for me. I am sitting with tear filled eyes thinking of my friend Mary, but I know she wouldn't want me to hurt. She would want me to be happy and use my head. So that is what I am doing. I am putting down what I am feeling and thinking about.
Sometimes the past just needs to stay where it is. It can only complicate things and cloud the future if you let it. So let go. Move forward and move onward. I have reached a conclusion this evening when my ex and his new boyfriend phoned and said that they wanted to come and see me. That they want to be my friend. But why now, what is the purpose of the visit? Why did the boyfriend have to ask me if I thought I would be uncomfortable? Something in this is just not adding up for me. So I am going to have to tell them that now is not the time to come. I am not sure why but I have a feeling that if I let them come all sorts of drama from my past is going to come flying up in my face. I think it is best to leave lying dogs lie right?
Mary would tell me that I am stupid, that I haven't thought this through and that I should tell them not to come. The person that I am seeing now has pretty much told me that he isn't down with the drama and that he doesn't feel comfortable with me meeting them without him here with me. See, sometimes you just have to have closure and once you have it you have to let go and move on. You can't be the friend that you were in the past and you don't honestly know how your emotions and feeling are going to react when you are in a situation like this. I am in agreement that I should pass on this visit for now. That I need more time I remember the pain, and the hurt that was caused when the ex left, do I really want to remove the light layer of skin that has finally covered that wound?
You can't take a step forward if you are tied to your past. There has to be a point in your life when you just let go and move on. You let those that left you behind sail on their own way because you have made it through the wilderness and you have made it to the other side. I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to cling to their past. I analyzed my own past and realized that it was my own fear of rejection that was holding me in a state of perpetual hibernation and stagnation. I couldn't move forward or backward because I didn't accept myself for the person I am or have become. I was dependent on the images that others had of me. Now for the first time I am seeing the man staring back at me in the mirror and I do understand that in order for me to move forward I have to have complete acceptance of myself and what has become of me. I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to love myself and I have to embrace my uniqueness and as Mary would say "embrace your Awesomeness".
It is true each of is unique, we are awesome and have a story that makes us unique. We are an art piece that is coming together under the masters hands and we have to trust that He knows what He is doing. We are being molded, melded and formed for a specific task and everything that we have come through and endured have made it possible for us to be strong in the face of the odds arrayed against us. We are never alone in this world and nothing is beyond our reach and grasp if we embrace and accept ourselves for who we are. Understand and accept your limitations, disabilities and abilities. Take each new day and learn something new from it. For when you learn something new and share it with others it helps you move along the road of life.
No matter what you think or believe no relationship is painless and it won't last forever. True that love never dies truly, that there will always be some sort of feeling there for you, but you can move on when it ends. You can find someone new. Even if you were like my grandparents and endured a relationship for over 50 years. My grandmother died before my grandfather and left him alone. So even in a perfect world nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent and if you take the chance to love, realize that eventually you are going to feel pain. Everything ends, everything has it season and then it is over. Life doesn't wait for anyone, get on and hold on tight because it is going to be a long and bumpy road with lots of obstacles, hurdles and pitfalls. But just wait till you get through you are going to be a unique piece of artwork, priceless and precious.
Let go of your past, it is holding you back. Embrace your fears, let go of your guilt. Accept that life is challenging and that you are learning new lessons every day. Keep in your mind always that this too shall pass, and you will be okay. Release, take that step, it is never to late for you to change and it is never too late to start over. Many of us have done it plenty of times. Each time we have started over the blessings of letting God have the reigns of your life and lead you is so rewarding you forget about the pain and fears and see only the positive blessings that are flowing your way.
2015 is a year of change, embrace it, jump on and hold on for dear life, because you are in for a journey and you never know where you are going to end up till this cycle is done. I honestly believe that life comes at us in a series of cycles and at the end of each cycle if we take stock of where we started and where we are at the end a great distance has been traveled and many lessons have been learned along the way.
So, I want you to take away something from this entry. I want you to realize that rebirth, renewal and strength are gained by the many trials you have faced and come through. Nothing last forever, nothing ever could. Life, love, happiness and hope are found within yourself and no where else. Complete and total acceptance of yourself is required for you to move onward and upward and when everything is said and done and your life has finally come to an end. You will know in your heart just truly how precious and priceless you really were and that so many lives were touched by your passing that you couldn't have ever guessed. It all starts and ends with you. Let go take that first step. It will be hard but I know you can do it. Embrace your own Awesomeness and let no man hold you down again.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Sunday, January 18, 2015
You can and You will succeed
Let me tell you a little story about my mom. Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home. She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home. The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing. That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair. But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite. Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.
Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife, but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare. My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you. It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine. I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.
Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column. Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system. After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut. She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever. I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center. Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane. My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.
Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you. But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us. if there is a Will there is a Way!
If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it. The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything. Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright. I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes. My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see". You know she was right!
Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see. I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better. As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook. But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.
I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction. This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me. I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes. As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it. Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.
This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check. But, as I have always told you. You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you. By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed. I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying. Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me. From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.
You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass. Trust me it will. Nothing last forever!
The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.
If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that. that is all I want for each and everyone of you. To set your mind to a task and own it. Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.
I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did. It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.
Take each day one at a time. Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife, but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare. My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you. It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine. I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.
Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column. Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system. After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut. She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever. I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center. Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane. My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.
Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you. But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us. if there is a Will there is a Way!
If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it. The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything. Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright. I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes. My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see". You know she was right!
Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see. I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better. As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook. But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.
I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction. This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me. I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes. As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it. Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.
This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check. But, as I have always told you. You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you. By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed. I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying. Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me. From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.
You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass. Trust me it will. Nothing last forever!
The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.
If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that. that is all I want for each and everyone of you. To set your mind to a task and own it. Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.
I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did. It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.
Take each day one at a time. Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Monday, November 19, 2012
What To Do If You Find Yourself Limited
There are many things that can happen to you that limit your ability to do certain things or activities. No one ever wants to admit that they are getting old. That they physically are unable to do the things that they once were able to do. It can even happen to a younger person due to illness, disease or an accident. Hell we have people that fought in Vietnam, Korea or even in the recent and past Gulf conflicts that were injured, may have lost a limb, or been injured and now are physically impaired. So what happens if something that you love and are use too has been taken away from you? That there is no way that you can ever be able to do that activity or function again.
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, November 2, 2012
On Your Darkest Day
I can see the storm clouds gathering, I know it is going to be a beaut. Full of howling fury and torrential rains, lightning that is going to burst the gray and heavy leaden clouds. The sun is hidden, twilight has descended upon the world. Every chore and task is done in grim sullen silence. There is a heaviness in the air, as if someone has been holding their breathe. The air is charged with electricity and cold fingers are clutching at your exposed skin. You have known other storms, you have waded through the high waters and strong winds, and know that you can brave this one as you have all others. Your secret is that you plod along keeping your focus on the tasks at hand, knowing that the quicker they are done the faster you can return the the warmth and safety of your house. You know in the back of your mind that the warm glow of the fire will chase the chill away, your favorite chair is there waiting for you, and no matter the gale and force that assails the world your four walls are a sanctuary and solitude against its marauding onslaught.
Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there. You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own. Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside. For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls. Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life. But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.
The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one. When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through. In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm. Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it. Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.
Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts. Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on. Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near. You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand. Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen. Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.
Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart. I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable. At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through. See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me. Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore. I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.
What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else. He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon. His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile. For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief. See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way. That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close. These are the things that have brought me joy.
So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it. You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands. There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite. The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms. With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault. They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found. Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire. In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.
Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me. We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own. Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest. Before the New Year my partner will be here. I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.
God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near. God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them. We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there. Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem. Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake. Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there. You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own. Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside. For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls. Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life. But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.
The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one. When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through. In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm. Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it. Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.
Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts. Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on. Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near. You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand. Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen. Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.
Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart. I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable. At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through. See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me. Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore. I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.
What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else. He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon. His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile. For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief. See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way. That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close. These are the things that have brought me joy.
So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it. You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands. There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite. The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms. With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault. They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found. Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire. In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.
Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me. We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own. Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest. Before the New Year my partner will be here. I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.
God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near. God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them. We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there. Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem. Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake. Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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