Unresolved feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment

We may have talked about this before, and if we did, I believe that it is time for a refresher.  I went to my psychiatrist this morning and we talked about quite a few items.  One was the fact that I am suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that I could use some more counseling to help me deal with the issues surrounding that.  I also expressed to her that I had a desire to work on relationships, boundaries, and better interpersonal skills, specifically in the area of being a better judge of character.

During our conversation, we discussed the importance of forgiveness, and the releasing of our inner feelings.  Because none of us is perfect and can never hope to achieve perfection, we have to settle for being just a work in progress.  I mentioned to her that I learned over the past couple of years that forgiveness isn't for the other person it is for us. It gives us a sense of closure and helps us release the feelings that we had been harboring towards that person.  Unresolved feelings that we harbor towards another can lead to resentment, anger and bitterness towards that person.  If you cannot release and let go of what was bothering you, can you honestly move forward?  Can you talk to the person civilly or will there be outburst of some sort?

I have learned over and over again that if you are wanting to change something you have to learn how to release the burdens, problems, pain and anger that might be holding you back.  It is true that we all come with baggage, but how we cope with that baggage determines our ability to move forward.  Remember that you have to let go of the past in order to move forward. Therefore, when you release the past you must release all the pent-up emotions that go with the incident. Yet, once again in order for you to achieve this you have to start with yourself.

All change must start with yourself, forgiveness starts from with-in, and if you don't release the feelings that reside in you at the same time, you could start to get bitter and develop resentment, which left unchecked could turn into hate.  Like I discussed with you in another article bottling up your emotions causes undue stress in your life,   You could blow up at the least little thing and at the wrong person. I also told you that it is impossible to move forward if we hold on to the baggage of the past.  You cannot carry anything new if you have all the old stuff hanging around you.

Let me give you a real life example of what I am trying to explain to you about moving forward. Let's say you are on a date with someone.  If you talk exclusively about your last relationship the person you on a date with probably will think that you aren't over your ex and aren't ready to move on.  See, you haven't let go, or resolved your past, and therefore you cannot move forward, your hands are  still full. Once you can find closure with the trauma of the past, you must still deal with the emotions that thinking about the issues bring up. If you don't you can never move past the place where you are at.

If you learn to let go of the small things and just focus on the big ones you might be able to successfully navigate the treacherous waters of life.  No one said that it was going to be easy, that you wouldn't have to work hard to make it through?  If you worry about every little thing that creeps up in your life you will never have the chance to move forward, and you will soon become frustrated and willing to give up and surrender, and my motto is never give up, never surrender! I also believe that we cherish and adore the things that we had to work the hardest for,

Remember that nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.  All this means is that without hard work and dedication nothing can be accomplished, because we have to put forth some type of effort in order for you to collect a return.  The formula actually works out like this mathematically effort x work = positive return.

So my dear readers, you must let go of the past to take that step forward, and you must forgive those who have done you wrong and hurt you, you must forgive yourself and gain the closure you need to move on, and release those burdens of the past so that you can receive the new blessings that are coming your way.  Remember you can't move forward with your hands full of your past deeds. Gaining the closure that you need to move on is the hardest thing in the world to achieve, however as I have found if you can forgive yourself and those around you that have caused you the pain, those cares and problems fall away like they never existed.  A feeling of total peace will come over you and you will have the strength you need to move on.

Remember always that my hopes and dreams are with you, so take care of yourself and we will see each other on the flip side.

Uncle B

Moving forward and letting go! (it can be really hard)

Life is in constant motion, and waits for no one.  You don't know the day or hour that it might all come to an end.  So, how do you move forward and let go of the past? The answer is not as simple as you might think.  History is a bitch, and can cause many problems as you try to sort out your life and take your next steps.  I find that 2015 is going to be all about is all about me and my dream. I can't sit back and let the past overtake me again. I have to keep my head up and keep going forward. I can't let anything pull me backwards.  Too often my life has been mired down in drama, some of my own creation, most not.  As one boyfriend once stated "Bryan it isn't you it is all that extra".  At the time I had no idea what he was talking about, but I have seen first hand through the first part of January just how I attract and keep drama close.  I have the penchant and desire to try and rescue everyone in my life.  I can't do that, I really can't even take care of myself at the present time. So how in the world can I help someone else?  The long and the short of it is I can't.  So instead of crying over my past actions, I have had to make changes in my life and the people that I hang out with. I am even contemplating changing my location again. I am not real happy where I am at in life.  But I know that I am where I am supposed to be at the moment, I just can't help feeling that there is a major change brewing on the horizon, and that it is going to change everything about me and the way that I view life.

It took the loss of a dear friend this past week to pull my head out of the sand and look at the situation I have found myself in.  See, I created the environment and made some poor decisions.  Which for those of you that know me you know that this is nothing new for me. I have a tendency to push those that love me and want the best for me away and attract the ones that harbor ill interests.  But, from my many conversations with Mary Benefield about my relationship issues and the trials that I have found myself in over the past year.  I keep hearing her words over and over in my head "Bryan you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you certainly don't have to take the abuse and you have to cut your losses and let go."  I finally did that when he left me in April I was devastated but it was my friend Mary that put things into perspective for me she said " you were on an emotional roller coaster and have cried and been hurt so many times, maybe you need to give someone else a chance."  I am amazed at how astute her observations were and how well she had read the situation. Because once I stopped caring and took the first step forward, it became easier.  Now, as the months have climbed and he has been away, I have finally found someone that has a mutual respect for me. We are closer in age and have so much in common.  But, the circumstances under which we met and found ourselves in currently sure is something to write about another time.

It is funny how life bring people in and out of our lives at just the right moment.  You know that there just has to be a cosmic hand guiding the choreography of our lives.  I can't believe that chance brought you too me.  No, I think it was God that planned this a long time before I was born.  He knew the trials and fires that I would have to go through that honed and tempered me into the steel that I am today.  The heat of the fires have cleansed the impurities from my life and have left sparkling shining steel.  Life is a series of adventures, but remember adventures takes us on a circuitous route. When fate intervenes we are taken directly where we need to be.  I think that today has been a day of learning and exploration for me.  I am sitting with tear filled eyes thinking of my friend Mary, but I know she wouldn't want me to hurt. She would want me to be happy and use my head. So that is what I am doing. I am putting down what I am feeling and thinking about.

Sometimes the past just needs to stay where it is.  It can only complicate things and cloud the future if you let it. So let go. Move forward and move onward.  I have reached a conclusion this evening when my ex and his new boyfriend phoned and said that they wanted to come and see me. That they want to be my friend.  But why now, what is the purpose of the visit?  Why did the boyfriend have to ask me if I thought I would be uncomfortable?  Something in this is just not adding up for me.  So I am going to have to tell them that now is not the time to come.  I am not sure why but I have a feeling that if I let them come all sorts of drama from my past is going to come flying up in my face.  I think it is best to leave lying dogs lie right?

Mary would tell me that I am stupid, that I haven't thought this through and that I should tell them not to come.  The person that I am seeing now has pretty much told me that he isn't down with the drama and that he doesn't feel comfortable with me meeting them without him here with me.  See, sometimes you just have to have closure and once you have it you have to let go and move on.  You can't be the friend that you were in the past and you don't honestly know how your emotions and feeling are going to react when you are in a situation like this.  I am in agreement that I should pass on this visit for now.  That I need more time I remember the pain, and the hurt that was caused when the ex left, do I really want to remove the light layer of skin that has finally covered that wound?

You can't take a step forward if you are tied to your past.  There has to be a point in your life when you just let go and move on.  You let those that left you behind sail on their own way because you have made it through the wilderness and you have made it to the other side.  I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to cling to their past.  I analyzed my own past and realized that it was my own fear of rejection that was holding me in a state of perpetual hibernation and stagnation. I couldn't move forward or backward because I didn't accept myself for the person I am or have become. I was dependent on the images that others had of me.  Now for the first time I am seeing the man staring back at me in the mirror and I do understand that in order for me to move forward I have to have complete acceptance of myself and what has become of me.  I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to love myself and I have to embrace my uniqueness and as Mary would say "embrace your Awesomeness".

It is true each of is unique, we are awesome and have a story that makes us unique.  We are an art piece that is coming together under the masters hands and we have to trust that He knows what He is doing.  We are being molded, melded and formed for a specific task and everything that we have come through and endured have made it possible for us to be strong in the face of the odds arrayed against us.  We are never alone in this world and nothing is beyond our reach and grasp if we embrace and accept ourselves for who we are. Understand and accept your limitations, disabilities and abilities.  Take each new day and learn something new from it.  For when you learn something new and share it with others it helps you move along the road of life.

No matter what you think or believe no relationship is painless and it won't last forever.  True that love never dies truly, that there will always be some sort of feeling there for you, but you can move on when it ends. You can find someone new.  Even if you were like my grandparents and endured a relationship for over 50 years. My grandmother died before my grandfather and left him alone.  So even in a perfect world nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent and if you take the chance to love, realize that eventually you are going to feel pain.  Everything ends, everything has it season and then it is over.  Life doesn't wait for anyone, get on and hold on tight because it is going to be a long and bumpy road with lots of obstacles, hurdles and pitfalls.  But just wait till you get through you are going to be a unique piece of artwork, priceless and precious.

Let go of your past, it is holding you back.  Embrace your fears, let go of your guilt.  Accept that life is challenging and that you are learning new lessons every day.  Keep in your mind always that this too shall pass, and you will be okay.  Release, take that step, it is never to late for you to change and it is never too late to start over. Many of us have done it plenty of times. Each time we have started over the blessings of letting God have the reigns of your life and lead you is so rewarding you forget about the pain and fears and see only the positive blessings that are flowing your way.

2015 is a year of change, embrace it,  jump on and hold on for dear life, because you are in for a journey and you never know where you are going to end up till this cycle is done.  I honestly believe that life comes at us in a series of cycles and at the end of each cycle if we take stock of where we started and where we are at the end a great distance has been traveled and many lessons have been learned along the way.

So, I want you to take away something from this entry.  I want you to realize that rebirth, renewal and strength are gained by the many trials you have faced and come through.  Nothing last forever, nothing ever could.  Life, love, happiness and hope are found within yourself and no where else.  Complete and total acceptance of yourself is required for you to move onward and upward and when everything is said and done and your life has finally come to an end. You will know in your heart just truly how precious and priceless you really were and that so many lives were touched by your passing that you couldn't have ever guessed.  It all starts and ends with you.  Let go take that first step.  It will be hard but I know you can do it.  Embrace your own Awesomeness and let no man hold you down again.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Anger Management isn't about getting Angry, it is how you deal with the Anger!

There are a lot of things in my life that I should get angry about, and I do for a short period of time, but then I let it go and move on. One of the things that I have learned in my life is that Anger is an emotional response to a stimuli or irritation. Anger is a natural and safety response that the body has to rid itself of either the stimuli or the irritation.  For a short period of time anger focuses the mind perception and brings sharp relief to the problem at hand.  It needs to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, at the time of occurrence or it is a wasted emotion. Anger is not a constructive emotion it is a destructive emotion, it is basically a way to destroy or get rid of something that is bothering us.  Anger is an emotion that holds us in a state where we cannot move forward, or change until the situation is resolved. It is a wasteful emotion if it isn't put to use, channeled in a direction toward making things better.

Now when people talk about anger management they are not talking about the total elimination of anger, but the correct way in which to respond to anger and put it too use.  See, if we don't properly deal with anger, it can cause eruptions at the wrong time and place, and toward the wrong person.  Which is why in earlier entries I have said to you that holding in your feelings and emotions is harmful to yourself and those around you.  Anger is a very destructive force, and if not channeled in the appropriate direction can lead to many things such as increase stress, heart rate, headaches, hypertension and irrationality.  Anger is a the trigger that brings on irate behavior, screaming, yelling, arguments and can bring on physical confrontation.

I have an ex-boyfriend who took me home to meet his mother, which is a good thing I think because he was actually the first one to ever do so on his own free will. What is funny and entertaining about the situation is that the very first things she said to me was to sit down. She looked me straight in the eye and said too me, I have two words for you when dealing with my son, Anger management and marriage counseling.  I wish, in retrospect that I had heeded that advice and had taken her seriously, because our three and a half year relationship would have probably lasted much longer and we wouldn't have had so many fights. I also realize now that our relationship wouldn't have broken down and fell apart the way it did if we would have done as she had said.  I am happy to say that today me and him are very good friends we spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of years.  He is still someone that I think about a lot and whom I call when something happens in my life.  As a matter of fact I plan on calling him this afternoon once I have finished writing this little piece.

See the trick is not to get angry, but what you say and do while you are angry that is the key to the whole thing.  If you come at someone in a threatening manner with your voice raised, and not thinking logically, they are not going to respond well to you at all.  Further, if you remember my blog entry on "It's not what you say, but how you say it that matters" you will remember that immediately when you come at someone in a threatening manner, either physically or verbally, they also immediately go into defense mode. Once a person is in that mode, there is no rational or reasoning with that person. They don't want to hear it and they are immediately watching your every move waiting for the physical attack.  In nature mammals all react to danger in pretty much the same way. See we are primed with what has been dubbed the fight or flight mechanism. It is hardwired into our brain and nervous system.  It takes over primarily when we sense or feel a threat.  When that kicks in the body and the brain go into a hypersensitive mode where everything around us becomes extremely focused.  Time has a tendency to slow down and we can see and notice the minutest detail of the situation. We are expecting and waiting for the spring or pounce from the other person.  The mind literally is under the control of this response.  Not only is the response emotional it is also very physical as well. Literally the heart accelerates, the pulse quickens the eyes dilate and adrenaline pours into the blood stream and our muscles tighten ready to respond either in fight or flight.  This hyper-acuity and sensitivity give the victim the strength and stamina for a short burst of speed and enemy to try and escape their enemy or fight and mount an effective response/retaliation to the situation.

The reason why I am telling you this, is because I want you to totally be aware and understand that anger is a natural response, it is something that can be controlled and contained though, it can even be channeled into a more productive use if you can understand how it arises.  Hopefully making it easier to address and focus in another direction.  I know it can be done because I have seen how Sterling handles his aggression and anger now.  It is totally different from the way he used to deal with it and handle it when we were together.  As a matter of fact I can still see it when he gets angry, but I also watch and see how he processes it.  He bites the words off that initially jump to his tongue, he thinks about them consciously and rephrases them before they ever leave his mouth.  Just keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.  Try it sometime and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will get a more receptive response if you come at the situation free of your temper and anger.  People will be willing to listen to you more and be open and receptive to your words. Life is all about change, it is about growing and maturing. It is also about learning how to deal with others.  How to best get your point and opinion across is to come at someone with a smile on your face. It disarms them, they aren't expecting a fight or an attack that way.  Further, by having a smile on your face, it will be in your voice as well.

Follow me on this, have you ever been on the phone and had a really bad day?  I am sure you have several times.  Do you realize that the person on the other end of the phone line can tell by the tone of your voice what type of mood that you're in?  The answer is yes my friend they can tell when you are upset, angry and when you are in a good mood and happy.  It is betrayed by your voice and the tone that you use when addressing them. The reverse is also true, once you start to really listen to who you are talking to you can pick up signs of their mood from their voice as well.  Of course it is much easier to notice these things in person because as a person gets more upset you can see a stiffening of the muscles, the eyes twitch, the tone shifts abruptly. Body language is the most effective interpreter of another persons mood as you can find.  Learn how to read it and be very wary of the subtle shifts in stance and posture those are precursors to mood change.

The whole reason my I brought you down this path about moods, anger, anger management and temper is because, there are a lot of things that can get a person angry.  How you deal with that anger is important.  As I have been trying to tell you getting angry is a natural thing and not one that should be suppressed or buried it needs to be released or channeled in a more positive direction.  It my belief that anger management should be about changing the focus, direction and channeling that energy in a more positive and constructive manner.  I could be sitting here in anger stewing right now because I lost my job yesterday, and this morning my cell phone took a nose dive into the toilet, but I am not angry about those things.  At first I was a little worried because I have taken a big step and made a major life change and then it seems like tragedy struck.  But the truth of the matter is this.  I began thinking about my situation honestly and seriously with myself, and I came up to the simple fact that there is no immediate danger or damage done by me not having a job. I get paid on Thursday, I have $363.28 coming back to me for not staying at the hotel for the last two weeks of the month.  Plus my social security check will be here right around the corner.  It might be tight for a little while and I might have to do without furniture for some time to come, but at least I am in a situation right now where I am comfortable and I won't have to struggle.  I can work on getting furniture and other things later on.  As a matter of fact I am going to call my case manager in a few minutes and see if she has any ideas where I might be able to wrangle up some donated items.

My point to all of this is I am not bitter at my situation or angry, I will survive and move on.  This minor setback really changes nothing for me. I am still the same person, I still have accomplished the goals I had set for myself and I have done of that in a record amount of time. Now it is time to focus on the next phase and the goals I want to accomplish.  I had to take the emotion out of the equation to get to a logical focus.  I had to check my words and rephrase them so that I wasn't coming across as an angry or bitter person, and because of that I am going to get through this time and situation with minimal stress and I know that the situation will get better as time moves forward.

Please keep in mind that you have to keep your anger in check, divorce your feelings from it and come at the situation and problem logically and you will succeed.  Anytime you come at a problem full of anger and venom, I am afraid you are just going to be wasting your time and energy because you are going to put everyone else on the defensive, and your side is never going to be seen or accepted.  So change the focus of your anger and come at the situation with logic and facts and you will see a greater acceptance and reward for your efforts.  You cannot change the past situation, but you can change the variables of the situation so you don't have to go through the same things again.  Managing your anger is all about that, changing the variables so that your outcome is changed.  You can turn a negative into a positive if you try hard enough.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B