Easier written

I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud.  Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world.  Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships.    Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with.  During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner.  More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done.  I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone. 

However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be.  This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down.  This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past.  Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person.  Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse.  I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.

With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again.  I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville.  That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out.  What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him.  I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him.  However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship,  I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once. 

Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.

With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him.  With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.

My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants.  It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.

By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

Magic of cinema can still move me

I am 47 years old and find that still today a good story can bring tears to my eyes. I love Hallmark and Lifetime movies, not because I think life works like it is depicted in these films. No, I think these films bring joy, hope and laughter into this world with a purity and wholeness that might be lacking in our lives.

I get teased when others see the tears that roll down my cheeks as i get pulled into these movies.  These movies provide me with an escape from my humdrum reality and pull me into a magical world where all problems can be resolved in 2 hours or less. Where the love of a lifetime can be found and everyone lives happily ever after.  But what is the overall appeal of these movies?

I know that the reason why I love these movies is because they take my mind totally out of whatever I have going on and submerge me into a world with endless possibilities. These feel good movies can for 2 hours at a time relieve boredom and the grit of everyday living. They also instill for a moment a brief feeling of hope and fulfillment that is often lacking in our day.

Any movie can tell a  story or provide entertainment,  few manage to do this well.  There are so many genre of stories and many different ways that they can be interpreted. It is the job of the screen writer to capture the essence of a  book, novel or story. Then it is up to the director to breathe life into the screenplay.  When done well the audience is transported into it, they feel like they can relate to one or more of the characters.  The trappings of their ordinary day become transparent and for the time being they can live vicariously through them.

Studios like Disney, Hallmark and Lifetime seem to be able bring wholesome, feel good movies over and over again with resounding success.  Walt Disney pioneered the wholesome family film which laid the foundation and ground work  for all Hallmark and Lifetime. I believe that Walt Disney was a trailblazer and visionary that set a very high bar for those that followed in his wake. At the Walt Disney company they call this the "Disney Magic" or the "Magic of Disney", every new employee to the company has to go through a two week orientation called "Traditions". This training stresses the values and expectations that Walt himself had for everyone who worked for or with him.

Wholesomeness and purity are keywords that come to mind when you think of a Disney movie. Deep characters that seem to be able to achieve or overcome anything thrown at them and always end up happy. There is a formula that these movies all strive to achieve, a deep conflict that needs a resolution.  Inside the plot of these movies is a hidden hook and it reels/reals you into the drama that is unfolding before you. In a way you are made to care about these characters and the issue or problem they are going through resonates with you and your life.  Once that hook is set guaranteed it is going to elicit an emotional reaction out of you, and for that brief moment in time you are transported from the mundane to the magical.

It just sort of sucks that it had to end. Your mind knows that what you see is fake but your heart feels like it's all real. That is the power these types of movies have in our lives. We all need to escape reality once in awhile and what better place is there to do that  than the movies.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Anger Management isn't about getting Angry, it is how you deal with the Anger!

There are a lot of things in my life that I should get angry about, and I do for a short period of time, but then I let it go and move on. One of the things that I have learned in my life is that Anger is an emotional response to a stimuli or irritation. Anger is a natural and safety response that the body has to rid itself of either the stimuli or the irritation.  For a short period of time anger focuses the mind perception and brings sharp relief to the problem at hand.  It needs to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, at the time of occurrence or it is a wasted emotion. Anger is not a constructive emotion it is a destructive emotion, it is basically a way to destroy or get rid of something that is bothering us.  Anger is an emotion that holds us in a state where we cannot move forward, or change until the situation is resolved. It is a wasteful emotion if it isn't put to use, channeled in a direction toward making things better.

Now when people talk about anger management they are not talking about the total elimination of anger, but the correct way in which to respond to anger and put it too use.  See, if we don't properly deal with anger, it can cause eruptions at the wrong time and place, and toward the wrong person.  Which is why in earlier entries I have said to you that holding in your feelings and emotions is harmful to yourself and those around you.  Anger is a very destructive force, and if not channeled in the appropriate direction can lead to many things such as increase stress, heart rate, headaches, hypertension and irrationality.  Anger is a the trigger that brings on irate behavior, screaming, yelling, arguments and can bring on physical confrontation.

I have an ex-boyfriend who took me home to meet his mother, which is a good thing I think because he was actually the first one to ever do so on his own free will. What is funny and entertaining about the situation is that the very first things she said to me was to sit down. She looked me straight in the eye and said too me, I have two words for you when dealing with my son, Anger management and marriage counseling.  I wish, in retrospect that I had heeded that advice and had taken her seriously, because our three and a half year relationship would have probably lasted much longer and we wouldn't have had so many fights. I also realize now that our relationship wouldn't have broken down and fell apart the way it did if we would have done as she had said.  I am happy to say that today me and him are very good friends we spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of years.  He is still someone that I think about a lot and whom I call when something happens in my life.  As a matter of fact I plan on calling him this afternoon once I have finished writing this little piece.

See the trick is not to get angry, but what you say and do while you are angry that is the key to the whole thing.  If you come at someone in a threatening manner with your voice raised, and not thinking logically, they are not going to respond well to you at all.  Further, if you remember my blog entry on "It's not what you say, but how you say it that matters" you will remember that immediately when you come at someone in a threatening manner, either physically or verbally, they also immediately go into defense mode. Once a person is in that mode, there is no rational or reasoning with that person. They don't want to hear it and they are immediately watching your every move waiting for the physical attack.  In nature mammals all react to danger in pretty much the same way. See we are primed with what has been dubbed the fight or flight mechanism. It is hardwired into our brain and nervous system.  It takes over primarily when we sense or feel a threat.  When that kicks in the body and the brain go into a hypersensitive mode where everything around us becomes extremely focused.  Time has a tendency to slow down and we can see and notice the minutest detail of the situation. We are expecting and waiting for the spring or pounce from the other person.  The mind literally is under the control of this response.  Not only is the response emotional it is also very physical as well. Literally the heart accelerates, the pulse quickens the eyes dilate and adrenaline pours into the blood stream and our muscles tighten ready to respond either in fight or flight.  This hyper-acuity and sensitivity give the victim the strength and stamina for a short burst of speed and enemy to try and escape their enemy or fight and mount an effective response/retaliation to the situation.

The reason why I am telling you this, is because I want you to totally be aware and understand that anger is a natural response, it is something that can be controlled and contained though, it can even be channeled into a more productive use if you can understand how it arises.  Hopefully making it easier to address and focus in another direction.  I know it can be done because I have seen how Sterling handles his aggression and anger now.  It is totally different from the way he used to deal with it and handle it when we were together.  As a matter of fact I can still see it when he gets angry, but I also watch and see how he processes it.  He bites the words off that initially jump to his tongue, he thinks about them consciously and rephrases them before they ever leave his mouth.  Just keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.  Try it sometime and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will get a more receptive response if you come at the situation free of your temper and anger.  People will be willing to listen to you more and be open and receptive to your words. Life is all about change, it is about growing and maturing. It is also about learning how to deal with others.  How to best get your point and opinion across is to come at someone with a smile on your face. It disarms them, they aren't expecting a fight or an attack that way.  Further, by having a smile on your face, it will be in your voice as well.

Follow me on this, have you ever been on the phone and had a really bad day?  I am sure you have several times.  Do you realize that the person on the other end of the phone line can tell by the tone of your voice what type of mood that you're in?  The answer is yes my friend they can tell when you are upset, angry and when you are in a good mood and happy.  It is betrayed by your voice and the tone that you use when addressing them. The reverse is also true, once you start to really listen to who you are talking to you can pick up signs of their mood from their voice as well.  Of course it is much easier to notice these things in person because as a person gets more upset you can see a stiffening of the muscles, the eyes twitch, the tone shifts abruptly. Body language is the most effective interpreter of another persons mood as you can find.  Learn how to read it and be very wary of the subtle shifts in stance and posture those are precursors to mood change.

The whole reason my I brought you down this path about moods, anger, anger management and temper is because, there are a lot of things that can get a person angry.  How you deal with that anger is important.  As I have been trying to tell you getting angry is a natural thing and not one that should be suppressed or buried it needs to be released or channeled in a more positive direction.  It my belief that anger management should be about changing the focus, direction and channeling that energy in a more positive and constructive manner.  I could be sitting here in anger stewing right now because I lost my job yesterday, and this morning my cell phone took a nose dive into the toilet, but I am not angry about those things.  At first I was a little worried because I have taken a big step and made a major life change and then it seems like tragedy struck.  But the truth of the matter is this.  I began thinking about my situation honestly and seriously with myself, and I came up to the simple fact that there is no immediate danger or damage done by me not having a job. I get paid on Thursday, I have $363.28 coming back to me for not staying at the hotel for the last two weeks of the month.  Plus my social security check will be here right around the corner.  It might be tight for a little while and I might have to do without furniture for some time to come, but at least I am in a situation right now where I am comfortable and I won't have to struggle.  I can work on getting furniture and other things later on.  As a matter of fact I am going to call my case manager in a few minutes and see if she has any ideas where I might be able to wrangle up some donated items.

My point to all of this is I am not bitter at my situation or angry, I will survive and move on.  This minor setback really changes nothing for me. I am still the same person, I still have accomplished the goals I had set for myself and I have done of that in a record amount of time. Now it is time to focus on the next phase and the goals I want to accomplish.  I had to take the emotion out of the equation to get to a logical focus.  I had to check my words and rephrase them so that I wasn't coming across as an angry or bitter person, and because of that I am going to get through this time and situation with minimal stress and I know that the situation will get better as time moves forward.

Please keep in mind that you have to keep your anger in check, divorce your feelings from it and come at the situation and problem logically and you will succeed.  Anytime you come at a problem full of anger and venom, I am afraid you are just going to be wasting your time and energy because you are going to put everyone else on the defensive, and your side is never going to be seen or accepted.  So change the focus of your anger and come at the situation with logic and facts and you will see a greater acceptance and reward for your efforts.  You cannot change the past situation, but you can change the variables of the situation so you don't have to go through the same things again.  Managing your anger is all about that, changing the variables so that your outcome is changed.  You can turn a negative into a positive if you try hard enough.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem or situation

Last night we were talking about relationships and the secrets to making them long lasting and workable.  Yet, here is another insight that you need to consider when dealing with issues that arise in a relationship, and trust me they can be as many and varied as any other types of problems or issues.  The secret here is that there is no predefined way to deal with them, the solutions are as varied as the issues themselves.  Be flexible and think, because if you really try you will find that there are so many options and choices to deal with the issue.  Don't always settle for the first thing that comes to mind, because you might end up regretting it later.  Take the time to think outside of the box and look at the problem from all sides and angles.  The best thing to do is divorce yourself from the problem and tackle it from a logical standpoint.  You will be able to address the situation more effectively and efficiently if you come at it from a standpoint where your emotions are not involved.  Take the time to distance yourself from the problem, search for the root cause and deal with that issue and then tackle the symptoms and ramifications afterward.

A line from one of my favorite movies is "A problem is not as permanent as the solution." For a long time I didn't understand what that meant, and took the easy way, or the path of least resistance and work to deal with the current issue not the underlying cause of the issue. So by ignoring the original problem and just putting out the fires that the issue caused, I was in effect treating the symptoms and not the root cause.  This would be like a doctor throwing a bunch of antibiotics in your system to deal with an infection and not first finding out what type of infection it was and taking the time to find the right antibiotic to deal with the infection, just hoping to get lucky with the barrage of antibiotics hoping that at least one of them would do the trick.  In the above example the doctor might get lucky and one will help, reduce the symptoms and might alleviate the problem for a little while, but if it wasn't the right one, and the root infection wasn't treated correctly or properly the chances are that once you stop taking them or run out of the antibiotics, the infection will come back stronger than ever.  This type of hit and miss treatment is not good for your body, and you can start to build up a tolerance to the many different types of antibiotics.  The same happens to you when you try to handle situations and problems the same way, you become immune to the solutions and the problems come back with a vengeance.

As I have told you there are as many ways to deal with a problem, issue or challenge as there are types of problems.  You must use your head, separate yourself from the feelings associated with the issue, look at the situation from every possible angle, talk about the problem, get feedback from your partner and come up with a workable solution that not only addresses the symptoms but the actual root cause itself. Remember that two heads are better than one and brainstorm together, reach a compromise solution together, don't be afraid to try some unconventional solutions, be creative and inventive, and keep the level of communication open.  The worst thing you can do is alienate your partner by trying to assign blame.  Be adult enough to realize that the issue, situation and problem is affecting both of you, that no matter who is at fault it is going to take both of you working together to get yourself out of the messy situation.  Keep in mind that what's done is done and cannot be undone.  Assigning blame cannot benefit anyone and will actually probably cause more issues in the long run. If you work together peacefully and logically versus emotionally you might be surprised at how easy it was to deal with the issue.

The biggest issue that relationships face these days is the one dealing with money.  There is never enough money to go around or the bills are coming in faster than the money to pay them, or some other type of variation. There are ways to deal with situations like this that will keep harmony in the house.  Communication is key to dealing with this issue. You have to come at these types of situations analytically, removing the emotional feelings that are associated with it. You must keep from assigning blame, and work together to come up with a solution.  One thing you might think about is setting aside specific credit cards or accounts for personal use, that each party is personally responsible for. Or some other compromising solution, it is okay to think abstractly and try many different types of solutions, work together to come up with a budget that you both can accept and continue to work at it.  Remember that the problem didn't occur overnight that it took time to build up to become an issue or problem so it might take just awhile to resolve as well. Trust me when you take the time to handle things and deal with them permanently the better off you will be.  Working together to deal with the issue is going to make your relationship that much stronger, both of you are going to feel an equal partnership and it is going to be rewarding that you have effectively dealt with it.

As I said when I started this entry there are no hard and fast rules that apply to handling situations that might crop up or occur, you have to deal with them individually, and you must take into account all the variables and aspects of the issue.  Communication between you and your partner is vital, and working together to come up with a solution that is both attainable and agreeable is paramount.  Making sure that assigning blame doesn't become an issue and make the situation worse is also key to ending up with favorable results.  Money matters are always going to be a problem and they don't get easier, but you must maintain a strict discipline when dealing with them, acknowledge that both of you are at fault and work together to come up with the answer.  As I said a solution is more permanent then the problem, try as many options as you can think of, work backward if you have too. Be patient and understand that it may take time and hard work to achieve the desired result, but in the end you will be glad you did.

If you read the earlier blog entry on making relationships work, I stress over and over again that you have to be flexible willing to change, adapt to new and arising situations, you have to talk to one another and come at the problem together, maybe even try coming at it from two different sides, whatever it takes to make the problem finally and totally disappear.  Don't be afraid to compromise and think outside the box, be willing to take a risk and see if it won't pay off.  Don't alienate yourself from your partner, and include them in the decision making process, make it  both of your problems and both of you take total ownership for it and responsibility, because when you do both of you feel like you are invested and have some degree of control over it the happier you both will be.

I think you will find that when you work together, great things happen. When you talk about the issues and are genuine and matter of fact about both of your involvement, assigning blame becomes harder and almost impossible. You both will feel better, the stress will be less in your relationship and you will feel a sense of accomplishment that you haven't felt before.  Don't hold grudges or use guilt as a weapon, and because you have separated your emotions and feelings from the situation you will find that it has become that much easier to talk about, tempers won't flair and things that are discussed and thought about in a calm relaxed way will have a greater tendency to work out faster and better than before.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What it takes to make any type of relationship work

The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard.  Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time.  The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth.  Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships.  I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise.  Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.

There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part.  I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship.  This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you.  I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are.  But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily.  Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding.  Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.

Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better.  Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier.  Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there.  I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask.  This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.

So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time.  I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta.  He also came up there and we went to school together.  So it has been a long time.  But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day.  But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result?  Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you.  You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back.  This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.

Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal.  In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever.  But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from.  It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you.  Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work.  Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel.  You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt.  They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.

How did you get that way?  I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations.  You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't.  When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there.  Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer.  I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship.  So, it can work just like I said.  The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.

The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them.  If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again.  For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better.  The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion.  We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place.  We ended up throwing it all away.

The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above.  Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.

So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together.  We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together.  That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust.  That they are open and communicative with one another.  That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again.  We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person.  We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another.  That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners.  That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.

It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside.  You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around.  You have to live in the present, let go of the past.  Why would you want to cling to it anyway?  It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway.  If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories".  Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does.  But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel.  Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel.  This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger.  Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.

Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding.  One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.

As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.  What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart.  I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again.  But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times.  When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous.  Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.

The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship.  This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship.  When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same.  There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it.  The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another.  Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If these walls could talk....what would they say?

Today's introspection revealed to me that I feel alone even when I am with other people.  This is something that made me want to think about it just a little more deeply. We have talked about hurt, masks, defense mechanisms, the mind, the body, and a whole host of other things. But we really haven't discussed walls.  Each of us builds up walls, protections to keep us from experiencing the pain associated with emotional hurts.  In an earlier posting we talked a good deal about pain, and how it is the tool from which we learn and grow from.  In that entry I talked about forgiveness, moving on, and how time can help heal these wounds.  However, there are times when the healing process takes too long, the pain is still too fresh with us, so we construct emotional barriers, these barriers hold people at bay.  In effect these walls tend to keep people at arms length, they cloak us in secrecy and hide us from exposing ourselves to situations which we perceive dangerous or hurtful.

Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten?  This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance.  You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there.  Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.

Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers.  There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more.  Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you.  When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible.  They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you.  Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.

When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody.  After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them.  Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside.  They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing.  I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened.  My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away.  I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times.  Even my parents seemed to understand.  But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change.  He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job.  He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why.  But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by.  I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag.  I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair.  One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.

It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends.  It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth.  It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right.  That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression.  It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.

Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past.  Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history.  This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in.  When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something.  Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.

In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person.  Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me.  I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling.  The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things.  I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something.  But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.

Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues.  Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of.  People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you.  If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either.  You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt.  Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair.  Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up.  In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again.  Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved.  Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there.  Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.

Remember it is never too late to start this process.  Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it.  It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life.  I can do it all on my own.  I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way.  It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me.  In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life.  I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them.  I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents.  Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!

If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly.  He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him.  A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it.  I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times.  To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.

So if your walls could talk what would they say about you?   Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach.  Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love.  You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.

God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance.  It is time for you to make a change in your life.  Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here.  No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel.  You are your own individual with your own style and personality.  If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you.  Take your power back.  You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them.  I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion.  Which everyone has like assholes!  You must be you and be comfortable with who you are.  Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you.  Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.

Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it.  You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel.  Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude.  Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected.  Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Can you actually change who you really are?

I was watching the second episode of Perception, a new series on TNT, this afternoon and the question was posed at the end of the program.  "Can you actually change who you really are?" Now in the past we talked about the masks we where, and how we use them to shield and protect us from emotional hurt.  These masks are what the world around us see's and perceives us to be.  When we talked about them, I explored that a person doesn't actually change, they way we see them and interact with them does, as we relax and drop our masks.  But the bigger question to me is can a person really change?  Does the core value system of a person adapt and change over time?  Two very separate questions and two different answers. But I honestly believe that change comes through our experience. But our core value system remains the same through-out our life time.

In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college.  No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around.  A person pretty much doesn't change.  Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury.  A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something.  Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases.  Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.

Not all change is for the better.  Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little.  I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years.  Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years.  Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection.  Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body.  The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.

Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you.  You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.

However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same.  You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws.  It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it.  There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.

A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed.  What he does to one he will continue to do to others.  Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness.  Thus an impetus for change.  Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place.  Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in.  Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help.  That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.

Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill.  However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change.  In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain.  I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses.  The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.

I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved.  Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me.  I was actually enabling them.  I wasn't helping them.  It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself.  It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.

As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die.  So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change.  Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.

I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself.  I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change.  They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can.  Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in.  Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take.  If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time.  These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were.  It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.

Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too.  You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die.  I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes.  But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over.  I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down.  So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.

I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past.  I have grown and I have matured yes.  I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them.  But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning.  It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.

I hope this finally makes sense to you.  I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself.  But I am not.  I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes.  Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change.  So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort.  When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.

I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pain it's all good...just you read and see!

Pain is real, it is quantifiable and measurable.  But pain is more than a nerve impulse traveling from an extremity to the brain along a nerve.  Pain can be broken down into identifiable categories and can be described in many different ways.  When asked to define pain or ascribe a level to it, we use terms such as dull, achy, sharp, throbbing, explosive and so forth.

This allows another person to quantify the pain you are describing to them.  Many healthcare professionals ascribe a 1 to 10 scale for rating the level and intensity of your pain.  1 being the lowest and least amount of pain and 10 being the highest and most severe amount of pain.  This makes pain more observable and easier to treat. No one likes pain and drugs are often administered to help control it. Pain however is necessary as you will soon find out.  It usually accompanies or s a symptom of something else that is going on inside of your body.  Pain is a symptom or side effect, if you will of a wound or injury or problem within your body.

As I have said pain is entirely necessary and a function of the body and the brain, specifically the nervous system.  I also stated that there are categories of pain, which I define as being physical, emotional and spiritual pain.  Each category can be a stand-alone attribute or they can happen together. As described earlier they are each measurable and quantifiable and are rated using the 1 to 10 scale. Yet I contend that each are equally important and need to be addressed.  As I have said no one likes pain and when we are in it, we long for relief and comfort.

Pain treatment varies by degree and method.  Sometimes by drugs or other forms of care.  Sometimes they are treated by time and distance, yet sometimes by a combination of the drugs and time.  In almost all cases pain is treated in a type of process.  First, by removing the cause then treating the residual pain that is left through cleaning, dressing and finally drugs.

However, if you remember I stated earlier that pain is necessary, and it is!  Pain is also important as you will soon see.  I am asking you to stay with me here as I endeavor to try and explain it too you. If death is the anti-thesis to life, then pain is the anti-thesis to living.  With that being said, lets look at how this works.

Physical pain teaches us. It tells the body NO, you can't do that or that there is something wrong, or there is some kind of sustained damage.  Emotional pain matures us ad teaches us how to grow and accept.  Spiritual pain enlightens us and propels us forward. Pain is important and if you refer to my blog entry entitled "The Crucible called life is a training ground" you will find that pain is the heat and pressure applied to our lives that mold us and builds us into the individuals we become.

Physical pain is a warning that tells our mind and body to stop.  Don't do that! Quit! Move Away and in almost all cases screams don't do that again.  Emotional pain is similar in it's message, but in a much more subtle way.  Physical pain we learn from immediately, such as getting burned by a hot object.  We know the signs, heat, smell and of course the end result, and we know right away that we don't want to do it again.  However, emotional pain, the lesson may not always be quite as clear.  We might have to experience it a few times in order to grasp what it is trying to teach us.  Most of the time emotional pain comes from some sort of relationship and is just as painful as physical pain.  Spiritual pain is harder yet to explain, but we all go through it.  It can be a religious type of pain or it could just be something as mundane as reaching puberty, having a mental crisis, or a betrayal of some sort.  However, spiritual pain involves a moral or personal wound or injury.  Spiritual wounds can be perceived and felt as much as physical or emotional pain.  Spiritual pain can also be the dawning realization that there is so much more to everything then you knew.  As I have said spiritual wounds tend to be the trickiest because they are usually a combination of both the physical and emotional types of pain.  As we go further along I will try and make all three of these types of pain more understandable.

We have done all this talking about pain and my three classifications of pain, but what is the definition of pain?  According to Webster's Dictionary "Pain is the unpleasant feeling resulting from injury or disease; any distress or suffering of the mind; sorrow"  As you can see the definition covers the first two aspects of pain but leaves untouched the third (spiritual). Now when I say classifications, aspect or types of pain I am referring back to my concept of Physical, Emotional, Spiritual.

So in order to better explain things I need to talk to you a bit about what I call the "Light Body".  This might sound confusing at first but the concept can be explained and once I explain, I think you will begin to see a much clearer picture of what pain is and how it effects us and how we benefit, learn and grow from it.

I believe that the "Light Body" is made up of three complete and distinct layers or aspects. This is the result of what I have studied, been taught and have extensively thought about.  Whether you believe as I do, or come to accept it is all up to you.  But if you bear with me I am sure you will at least come to understand what I am talking about and can put together your own interpretation.  But feel free to interpret what I have to tell you anyway you like so that it all makes sense to you.  Because no matter I believe once it is explained you can extrapolate your own conclusions.

"The Light Body" is comprised of three distinct and fundamental levels that can operate independently or in conjunction with each other. As with pain I break them down as follows: physical, mental or emotional ans spiritual or soul.  These aspects or layers are overlaid over the body all at the same time and are handled by the bodies super computer the brain.  Now one could argue that because they reside and overlap the body they are therefore part of the physical body, which is partly correct.  However permit me to explain and I will try to make it easy for you to understand.

In order for me to do this correctly I am going to have to delve into a little biology and physiology.  The body has a system of nerves that network through-out it's entirety.  This would be the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system.  These are easy to explain and simplify if you will.  The central nervous system comprises the brain and the spinal cord with the extending nerves through the spine. The peripheral nervous system is the nerve network that combines the limbs and organs to the central nervous system.  Simple right?  Well I need to break it down a little bit further.  The peripheral nervous system is broken down into two sub-systems called the sonomic and autonomic nervous systems.  Here is where the first break happens between the physical and the emotional and spiritual body occurs.  The sonomic system is where voluntary control of body movements occur.  It is also where sensory input from our limbs travel to the central nervous system to the brain.  The autonomic nervous system is the regulatory system and controls the bodily functions without conscious intervention.  Examples of this are heart beat, respiration, digestion and sexual arousal.  The actions of this system happen on the subconscious level of the brain, however some can work with the sonomic nervous system such as breathing and swallowing.  Both of which can happen involuntarily or by thinking about them.

Are you beginning to see where I am coming from? Do you see the physical and emotional bodies beginning to form?  I hope so because I am about to take you further still to understand the spiritual body and how the three work together to for the "Light Body".  Now keeping in mind that we are still taking about pain and how we react, grow from, learn from and experience it.  The nervous system is read by and interpreted by the brain, the body's super computer. Without going into the psychology of the brain, I will just explain that the spiritual body is house there.  Whether in the subconscious or conscious parts of it or in another place entirely is open for another lesson.  However, I need to say that the brain is hwere the soul or consciousness resides.  It is where rational, irrational thoughts take place. It is here that I believe the Divine Spark lives. What Christians call the breathe of life, and what I refer to as the "Godhead".  It is the part of us that the Divine has gifted us with that gives us life and sentience.

As I have said before all three aspects, or categories of pain exist because the three aspects of the body exist.  It is possible to experience pain on each level individually or collectively.  The body is a miraculous machine, governed and moderated by the brain.  It has wondrous coping and defense mechanisms that help us compartmentalize and analyze as well as quantify the pain we experience. But the overall outcome of pain is the same.  It is a warning, a signal of danger, hurt or damage that needs to be handled and addressed.  How we deal with pain is personal and will vary by each individual. Everybody handles and deals with pain and injury differently.  However, we each receive warnings and symptoms that alert us to the injury or wound.

As we grow, develop, mature and age our body develops an early warning system that helps protect us and identify danger and potential for injury.  As a threat is perceived we might experience a period of heightened awareness, a tensing of the muscles and we become hyper sensitive to body languages, sounds and other signs that attack or danger is imminent.  After this brief period of awareness comes the "Fight or Flight reflex" which is a rising panic within us to either prepare for battle or flee from the attack.  This floods the body with adrenalin and endorphin's that shield the mind from the trauma of pain and injury. This is also known as Shock.

The brain is so powerful that it can override or deaden the impulses of pain to such a degree that a person can walk around on a broken ankle for an hour and never realize that it is broken.  However, it will react in the same way to any other type of pain you might experience. Shock shields the brain from being overloaded by massive pain impulses flooding from the nerves.  How to cope with pain is another topic we can explore later in another blog entry.  What I wanted you to learn from this entry is that there are several different types of pain that you can and will experience, and through each type what you the individual will learn from, grow from and develop and mature from.

They say that time heals all wounds. Essentially that is true, but pain is different and is handled differently, processed differently and ultimately may never go away.  But I am here to tell you this, you can survive pain, there are ways you can lessen your pain and sometimes you can overcome it.  Other times you will have to bear it.  But know and understand that you can live with it and endure it.  Pain is how we truly learn, how we adapt.  If forces us to grow, mature. It can even give us direction, change us, make us stronger and more cautious.

Pain teaches us patience, humility and inevitably through the process we learn frailty and mortality. It can also drive us to explore new possibilities, take bigger risks and chances and helps us face our fears.  Most of all it molds us, builds our character and in a way makes us human.  Pain means we are living and alive, growing and learning.  Though we hate it, it is important none the less!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B