There comes a point in everyone's life when they are scared

I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be.  I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month.  I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up.  People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control.  From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since.  Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder.  Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs.  For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again. 

This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor.  If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them.  As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.

What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people.  To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word.  I should know better with some.  I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up.  They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up.  People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed.  I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold.  I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay. 

My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health.  The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth.  He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.

If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience.  I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.

Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues.  You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it.  If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change.  If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.

Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Everything you said but didn't really mean

You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them.  You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come.  Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue.  You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared.  If you did you would be here.  You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others.  You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words.  This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.

Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me.  Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find.  I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care.  You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.

My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless.  Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end.  I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true.  Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing.  It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true.  I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster. 

I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away.  I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me.  Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need.  Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me.  Yet where are you now?  Not here!

You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds.  I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again.  I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this.  You have no respect for me, you  have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return.  Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and  I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have.  Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome?  NO.

I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind.  Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie.  I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that.  Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first.  You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me.  I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing.  Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out.  People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say.  I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.

The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you.  I don't know where that man went.  He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me.  He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse.  I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone?  A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other.  I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away.  Something that you have already done.  Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill.  You aren't here for me!

I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over.  There is nothing in Florida for me anymore. 

Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you.  My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend. 

Goodbye dear one, Good luck.

Even Today

Today I met with UF Health CARES only to find out that my paperwork from Daytona was not conpletely faxed across. I couldn't prove that I ever had a registered viral load. Too the doctor that reviewed the portion of the test that came across the fax it looks like I have always been undetectable.  This one mistake made my entire visit there non-productive. I had to have my blood drawn to get a new proof of positiveness letter and reschedule my appointment for 2 weeks away. This is rather disappointing because that means it will be another two weeks before I am finally enrolled in Ryan White services.  I can tell you that the visit wasn't entirely a waste. I met Brandon during my visit, a highly intelligent young man who besides being heterosexual, he was also born with HIV.

Though we didn't have as much time I would have liked. I got to discuss a bit of his story as I told him my own.  One thing that I was capable of doing was answering many of the questions that he had.  I am amazed that even today persons with HIV can still feel prejudice and stigma. Which can trigger deep depression and feelings of fear, persecution, alienation. All of which can instill a deep and abiding sense of worthlessness and a lack of self-worth.  Which according to Brandon has often made him feel as if he were a burden to others and unlovable. 

His most relevant question for me was how do I stay positive and grounded? Luckily for him I was asked almost the same question not an hour before by the social worker for my primary care team at the VA. My answer to their question was simply that first I don't dwell on my illness and second that I use my blog as a sort of catharsis.  That's right my coping mechanism is writing in my blog as well as telling to others my story every chance I can.

Like Brandon, I still deal with stigma and fear. I also know from our talk today that fear is a constant companion. Like me, we both fear how others will react to our disclosure of our illness. How others will receive us.  The fear that others will reject us and thus diminish our hopes for a relationship. There are now treatments that a mixed couple (one poz and the other not). This maybe an option for some. But what if your potential partner isn't willing or not educated about it.  However you decide to handle this dilemma is up to you.

But there is a whole lot more to Brandon than meets the eye. He feels compelled to help others, he has dedicated himself to the expansion of HIV research. In his own words he felt like he had a debt to pay becausr of everything he went through and his still being alive. With that debt in mind he dedicated himself in his sisters memory to constantly trying make a difference and help those around him.

Whether we want to accept it or not fear, misconception , stigma and prejudice still persist today. There are groups like the positive champions speakers bureau that work hard to stem these injustices and seek to educate and elighten the community of the truth of this disease. Back in the 1980's and the 1990's HIV/AIDS was headline news. There were marches, charity drives, concerts and an outpouring of information. Now,  there is barely mention of AIDS Related death's and one rarely hears of the infection rates. Yet, one thing that I have learned is that in some of the nations largest cities. The majority of people being diagnosed, are dianosed with full blown AIDS versus being diagnosed with HIV.

As I explained to Brandon that my telling of my story has a two fold reward for me.  It gives me the opportunity to talk to others one on one about what I went through and how it has affected me both positively and negatively. The second is that I am inspiring hope in others who might have given up on themselves and society in general.

One of the things about me is that I truly enjoy talking to people and it makes me feel like I am helping others and gives me a sense that I am giving something back to the community.

So if you are looking for a way to cope with your feelings of anxiety and depression or are looking for ways to deep or cope with stereotypes and stigma. Then maybe you should take up writing and talking to others about your story. I honestly think that you will find that your depression lessens and your self-worth will increase.

You are not doing this for yourself alone yet you will reap the most benefit from doing these things.

As always my hopes and prayers are with you. Love deeply, laugh often and live much.

Uncle B

No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.

Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.

At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.

I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

The big C not totally unexpected but still?

I was talking to my father yesterday afterr meeting with my urologist.  I told him that I thought it would get easier thelonger I dealt with cancer.  But the truth of the matter the disease scares the hell out of me.  I have seen what it has done to other people, and I certainly have had my share of experiences with this disease.  Yet, each time I am told by a doctor that I have cancer that  same old feeling descends on me and I feel helpless and afraid, just like the first time I ever heard the name mutttered in my direction.

Now, if you are a faithful reader you know that this is definitely not my first time at this rodeo, as a matter of fact this is my 4th reoccurence of cancer in one form or another since 2005.  So when I entered the doctors office the verdict was not totally unexpected.  When you have lived as long as I have and have continued to battle the same disease over and over again, you sort of become an expert in strategy and tactics that the doctors have in their arsenal. Not to mention you become highly tuned to the inner workings of your body that nothing  creeps past you and jumps out from the shadows. 

Luckily when I was 23 and was diagnosed with cancer the first time, the chemo and radiation were highly effective and I was able to enjoy 11 great years totally cancer free.  I would say that this was the time that my life and career actually excelled and I accomplished meaningful tasks and learn so much.  It was during that 10 year break that I learned everything I could learn about the disease that I had, and how my body felt throughout the different stagesof treatment and trained myself to look for recurring symptoms that might indicate the a major change was happening within my body.

But, no matter how much you know and how well you think you are prepared you never like to hear the words cancer when referring to yourself.  True there are all sorts of new treatment options and a great many people survive and eventually become cured.  In my case I have been attacked on 3 occasions with 3 different types of cancer.  The first one is Large Cell Lymphoma,  this is a non-hodgekins lymphoma and it primarily attacks the lymphatic system and is very fast growing.  The next was colorectal cancer and that in comparison with Large cell is a much slower growing and moving type of cancer and in most cases surgery seems to be the best offer.  If you  have a localized spot where the tumor has grown and is contained within an organ or a cavity, these types can be easily removed with little because they have not begun to spread. 

I have learned that chemo is so harsh on the body andit is actually industrial stregnth poison that is injected to your blood in the hopes that it will kill the abnormal cancer cells before it kills your healthy good cells.  Which in and of itself seems like a risk that has the potential for great success or for great failure depending on your body and the resiliency of the cancer which they are trying to fight.  Repeated treatments of chemo add the potential for large amounts of scar tissue to be formed where damaged cells have tried to protect themselve and recover from this harsh toxic agent.  This can lead to complications down the road, because as scar tissue is formed abnormal cells can also form right along with it.  These abnormal cells when they grow together are called a tumor and are the basis for cancer.  Thus begins a vicious cycle.

Cancer can come back multiple times and can form due to many different reasons, some genetics, others damage to organs and tissue.  Whereas, certain medications can cause certain problems to creep up and from there the cells can easily be mutated and viola, cancer is once again a major player on the field waging war with you entire being.  In my case the HIV drug called Atripla is largely responsible for the damage to my kidney.  The component of the drug cause some trauma to my kidney and impaired it's functioning.  This impairment became great enough at one point that kidney stones formed, and because of their size had to be surgically removed.  What I didn't realize then was that the complications that came up when I was dealing with the kidney stones was going to greatly impact my life in any meaningful fashion until yesterday. 

When my right kidney was filled with stones, my kidney would back up and the bladder would not be able to totally empty itself completely.  Because of this a urinary tract infection soon ensued and the urologist of the time decided that he was going to put a stint into that kidney and by pass the uritors and connect the kidney directly to the bladder and aleviate some of the pain and discomfort I  was having from these infections.  This took place in 2011, and here we are 6 years later and the significance of that action finally hit home with me yesterday afternoon once I got home from the doctor and was able to sit down and think about what I had heard and battled 3 other times in my life.  It is my opinion, which I must say is pretty well supported by the ultrasound and image studies that were done on the tumor before the biopsy was completed.  Looking at the pictures it is fairly easy to tell that the tumor has formed in the most likely spot that a stint would have resided years ago that connected the bladder and the kdiney toget.  

See when the doctor pulled out that stint so long ago,, scar tissue was able to grow over the areas that were actually damaged by the insertion of the stint.  The scar tissue was dense enough that the tumor was able to grow for a period of time hidded deep within.  The scar tissue not only gave the tumor a very good hiding place it also was able to mask the symptoms so I wasn't actually aware taht I was feeling off and that I had another outbreak of cancer.  This being said I want you to know that once again my trip down this new adventure has started out just like all of the other pervious bouts with cancer.

All I can tell you that finding out that the cancer is back and that it is in another location and that you have a chance that this tumor has spread to areas where you can't find it and that is when things really start getting really scary and real period!  I really wasn't surprised that the tumor that they found on my right kidney turned out to be cancerous.  What was surprising was that this was a totally new form of cancer, one that I have had  absolutely no experience dealing with previously.   The up side of this type of cancer is that it currently is localized to the right kidney wall and though it has tendrils that could eventually mean growth and spreading I was assured by the doctor that this was a very slow growing form of cancer and that I should respond to the treatment plan that he put in place to highly favorablely. 

However, with all of that out on the table in front of you to view I should go on to tell you about the entire conversation that I had with my doctor yesterday and sort of point out where the creeping little doubt and fear is coming from with this new found information.  See even though this tumor was caught fairly early in the stages and it is slow growing I have to add in the factor that I have had a very complicated medical history with numerous issues and complications creeping up in all of my previous encounters with this dreaded disease.  So, with all of the previous issues and complication this tumor could actually become more serious than orginally thought, especially if it truly has started to grow and spread.  Because the migration path is not a very clean path and could eally if this isn't handled in the best possible manner could easily spread to my spine and from there pelvis, chest and eventually could even reach my brain.  Once it reaches the spine it is only a matter of time before it goes from casual to tragic.  See I already have spinal issues and compromised bone marrow, and these factors alone make for a deadly outcome. 

A vicious cycle seems to ensue and before I know it the cancer could be everywhere in my body.  Plus the fact that this tumor has grown significantly it's symptoms and pain might actually mask the growth of cancer in other parts of my body and thus lead to a much larger problem than originally indicated.  So I have decided to take the most proactive steps that I can aggressively persue and have selected having a different type of procedure performed that might be able to totally eradicate the diease way before any more significant damage can happen to my body.  I have agreed to let them go in through my back and freezd the tumor which will immediately necratized the bad cells while allowing the good cells to remain unharmed.  I am looking at having to have this surgery performed rather quickly to head off the cancer and be totally healed.

It is just funny that no matter how many times I have been told that I have cancer,  that same ole fear and trepidation seem to sneak in and cuase mental anguish.  Nothing prepares you to hear those words or how to react once you have heard them. But like I told a woman that I met at Family Dollar the other night:  "God doesn't give us more than we can bare, for longer than we can stand!"  Which serves to remind me that this too is just a fleeting problem, and will not last very long in deed and will therefore make me a much stronger person in the long run

As always my hopes and dreams ware with you ,

Uncle B

Eyes of a stranger

I walk down a narrow path,
I hold my head up high
So I can See all of you pass by
Steep is my narrow path.

Fraught with pitfalls and traps
You never know who or what you will cross.
Maybe its for the best perhaps
It is in the eye of a stranger that show you their dread and loss!

In the eye of the stranger you see lost hope,
You don't know where your voice might lead,
Fear and loss is their watchword and deed.
Sometimes it feels like I am at the End of my rope.

Abandon fear, gather hope hold on strong
Look deep within yourself
Every issue, problem and trouble will move swiftly along.
Everything has an expiration date that sits on the shelf.

It is in the eyes of a stranger that you see yourself reflected

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Setbacks for the positive and negative can keep you from moving forward

It's amazing no matter what I go through on a day to day basis people never cease to amaze me. It just goes to show that no matter how well you think you know somebody, the truth is you will never actually know the real them unless they want you to.  Each of us fears something,  each of us are insecure about other things. Life has become a huge game of hide-n-go-seek, we have found it easier to hide our fears and insecurities behind a facade or an ever evolving mask.

We in expertly build walls to keep others from discovering our fears and weaknesses. But it can be those very same walls that trap us and make us prey to our emotions. Have you never thought about how the person you know isn't quite the same one that you originally met? It becomes evident the longer that you are around and they become more comfortable around you, the more their mask will shift.

So with that in mind as we move forward, that we don't over compensate or inflate the very thing that we are trying to hide from ourselves and other's.  Yes, my friend it is sad but true the masks we wear and personas that we painstakingly and elaborately create, tend to hide from ourselves as well as others. If you want to be accepted at face value then you have a lot of inward looking and soul searching to do.

To a certain extent these masks that extend in to wall creates a pattern of behaviour and once you can recognize a pattern the easier it is to understand the underlying fear or anxiety that has caused it.  The hard part of this is honesty to oneself. I would caution you here, do not think that this is a light matter, many of us have spent years building up our defenses and our walls to protect ourselves from constant pain or crippling fear. But, if life isn't full of challenges and hard won victories I don't think the change would be lasting.

You maybe wondering by this point what does all of this have to do with setbacks?  Here it goes our lives are based on patterns and in oder for us to change the pattern we have to understand what caused it to begin with.  The setbacks we experience are nothing more than the results of the choices and decisions we have made. Further any behaviour or pattern that can be learned can therefore also be unlearned. All that really matters is that you face your fears and anxieties  on your terms and when you choose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Not everything is as it seems

Words can have multiple meanings, teachings can have multiple interpretations,  problems can have multiple solutions, you can't judge someone by their looks alone. We can become so enamored by someone's outward appearance that we totally miss what is just below the surface.  As a race we tend to judge one another by the morals and standards we have developed for ourselves and what we perceive to be the teaching of our church or our parents. But you have to keep in mind there can be more than one interpretation on how to do things or live right.

Many times when two people come together they have to reconcile their beliefs with one another. Take a look the picture from a different point of view, even if two people, such as twins were born, their experiences would be totally different. No two individuals will experience situations in exactly the same way, even though they are raised the same each person takes away something different from each encounter they have. Even if they meet the same people, eat the same foods and are brought up the same exact way. Each person copes differently, has different coping mechanisms and their view point becomes skewed by these things.  Remember, each of us creates filters from which we view life through, filters are the way in which we look at life with.  You can think of filters like contact lenses or glasses that you look out upon the world through.  Each and everyone of us experience things differently therefore the way we view and do things are going to be different. Keep in mind that even shared experiences are going to be viewed and reacted too differently by the individuals that share them even if they were raised exactly the same way.

I talked about little about this in another blog entry when I spoke about how two people in a relationship can have totally different views on how something they experienced together can be so radically different. This is one reason that when police interview witnesses of a crime can have varying stories about what occurred during an investigation.  They have to look for commonalities in the individual stories to come up with a whole picture that can explain an event or incident. Now, if you think about it and apply this logic to a relationship it might actually help you to tolerate your partner doing something a different way than you would actually do it. Remember that there are many ways a task can be accomplished and that not everyone is going to do it the way you would.  You have to be flexible and accept how other people do things, because there is no single right way or wrong way to do things.

Another example that I can give you is this, the face you see in public is probably not the same face you see in private.  I know a couple extremely well and if you were to see them out at a restaurant or walking down the street you might well think that they are the perfect couple, you see them together and they seem so happy and content with each other. You really are convinced that they were meant to be together.  Which in my friends case they are meant to be together and compliment each other well. However, again things are not always as they seem.  This couple has it's share of fights and arguements and not as happy as the outward face they display when they go out into public.  Another way to look at this is that all outward appearances are masks that we wear out into public, and while that is on you cannot see the truth that lies just beneath the surface.  Another example I can give you is when people look at me they think that they are looking at a person that isn't handicapped but they would be wrong, you cannot draw conclusions or assumptions just by looking at things.  Remember that what you see is not always what you are getting.

Just because something looks normal and acts like nothing is wrong, you have no idea what another person is going through.  Humans are good at hiding their problems, emotions and feelings and hide them away.  They truly don't want other people to know that they are gong through something or are in pain, but again not all things are as they seem.  There are always things that you cannot see that lie just below the surface.  Just like an ice berg the tip is all that is seen, it is what is hidden underneath that can cause the most damage.  When you get to know another person you can sometimes see behind the mask that they are hiding behind.  If you get to konw me well you will begin to realize that I wake up in pain every morning. Some days are worse than others, but no one outside of my house would ever know what I am feeling or going through because of the happy up beat face that I put on when i leave my house.  For that matter no one has a clue that I have a colostomy bag, because you cannot see it at all while I am dressed.

The whole point that I am trying to express to you is that you cannot look at someone or something and know what is really going on with them.  You can also never know what a person is really thinking and feeling.  The only one that truly knows what they are going through and feeling is the person that is going through it.  What is on the outside doesn' t necessarily let you know what is going on in the inside.  People are going through as much drama and turmoil just like you are.  Keep that in mind as you meet and hangout with people.  Remember that there is more than one way to accomplish a task, there is no right or wrong way to do something. Be open minded and sensitive toward others so that you can get to know them and see what is under their mask.  Know this no matter what you are going through in your life there is someone out there that is going through something just as bad as you are or worse.  Life is a learning and growing experience. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement and growth.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Open your mouth let's talk about it! HIV is still alive and Well!

I am sickened once again and want to bring this subject back to your attention.  We are living in a day where HIV/AIDS isn't mainstream media coverage anymore, but it doesn't mean that it has gone away, isn't a threat, believe me it is still there and ready to jump on anyone it can come in contact with.  Remember, HIV doesn't care who you are, your ethnicity, your social status, or sexual preference, it will infect anyone that it comes in contact with.  I recently saw an article on the web about Atlanta, how more people there are being diagnosed with Full AIDS versus HIV.  That means there are too many people neglecting themselves.  It is everyone's job to Know Their Status.  It not only protects the one being tested but those they love and have sexual conduct with.

This morning a friend of mine sent me a report from POZ.Com which states that 91% of HIV passes from those that don't know their status or who are not in care.  This is a tremendous percentage and something that we need to talk about.  The United States has gone from a state of panic and awareness to a place of complacency and silence.  This is totally unacceptable!  Something must be done, and I am calling on you to help me reach out and spread the word.  I would like to see the end of HIV in my lifetime.  I have a group of friends and we go out and speak all the time trying to end fear, prejudice and misunderstandings about HIV/AIDS.  There are too many young people today that have no idea how they can contract the disease.  Today's youth those that are ages 17-30 don't seem to have a clue how or where they can contract this disease.  It is so bad in the area in which I live that a friend of mine was terrified the first time he came over to my house.  He didn't want to touch me, use any of my cups or utensils for fear of the disease, I didn't know it then.  But, by listening to me talk to others, he soon learned that HIV/AIDS wasn't something that could be picked up casually like an online date for the evening.  No, he found out that it was a blood borne disease and could only be transmitted if one had some type of mishap or had sexual relations without protection.

Once he explained to me how afraid he had been when he first met me, and how I had helped educated him on the disease all without my knowing that he was scared mind you.  This made me realize that I was doing something right.  I don't have a problem opening up to others and telling them my story.  I reveal to anyone who will listen my disease and what it can do and how it can be prevented.  The group I spoke about earlier is called the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau, whose aim it is to end stigma associated with HIV/AIDS, but we also seek to educated others about the disease, we try to show and demonstrate in our lives that this disease can happen to anyone. Our group is a cross-section of those we represent.  We are composed of both gay and straight men and women, minorities, and magnetic couples.  We don't discriminate at all we have come together with the realization that there is still too much ignorance in the world about this disease.  We all have different backgrounds, educations, religious preferences, nationalities  and races.  We are the changing Faces of AIDS.  No one on this planet is exempt from exposure and once you realize that the job of education and training becomes a much larger challenge.

Much to my dismay many of us who are infected find it hard to talk about our illness.  Why are we so shy when it comes to talking about HIV?  Many of the reasons could be: because of fear, fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being made and example of, fear of people making fun of us. Whatever it is that is keeping us from talking about it needs to be address and the only way to do that is by educating and personalizing the stigma associated with HIV/AIDs if we can rid ourselves of this fear we might more effectively reach a broader spectrum of people.  Fear and hysteria were hallmarks of the early years of this disease.  Widespread public panic forced pharmaceutical companies to invest billions of dollars into research, the government was pushed into action by appropriating money toward research, and the CDC was born.  Back then the new media broadcast stories about people suffering with AIDS, it became a household name.  But, fear ran wild in those days because there wasn't a clear understand of what the disease was or how it was transmitted.  It was commonly mislabeled as the Gay Disease, Gay Cancer, GRID and so forth.  However, this epidemic wasn't isolated to one specific group it soon moved to the rest of the population.  It went from an outbreak to and epidemic to a pandemic in less than 20 years.  There is still no cure for the disease but new testing has made early detection possible and new medications have come out that make it easier for an infected individual to live longer and stay healthier.   Times have changed and so have the attitudes of the people, but it is important to understand that just because these advancements come about doesn't mean that people aren't still dying from the disease.  Yes there is still money going into research, and everyday more and more information comes out about the virus.  But, it isn't news worthy, doesn't get the headlining like it used too.

Back in the 1990's a memorial quilt was made each panel was exactly 6' x 3' and was decorated by the people that loved and missed the person whose name was on the panel.  It used to be displayed all over the country at Gay Pride events.  Today, it has been retired and portions of it are displayed in Washington D.C. and other places.  Gay Pride events have become exaggerated craft fairs, concerts and commercialized, some education goes on but it is the secondary focus I am afraid.  Does the youth of today that visit these Pride events even know that there was a memorial AIDS Quilt?  Do they have any idea of what it was like to watch friends and family pass away with lesions and extreme complications to this horrible disease?  I don't think they do.  Those of us that are old enough to have lived through the 80's and 90's recall all of these things and so much more. We can tell you that the reason why the panels on the quilt were exactly 6' x 3' because it was the exact measurement of a coffin.  We were burying those we loved.  A whole was ripped into our society, loss and fear were rampant.  I would also hazard to guess that these younger generation kids don't even understand the significance of Gay Pride, and why we actually celebrate it yearly.  Who out there remembers the Stonewall Riots, the beginning of the Gay Pride movement, how we struggled for acceptance, equality and equal rights.  As I have said earlier times have changed, and we the custodians of knowledge have done a very poor job in educating those that come after us about the beginnings and reasons why we have some of the celebrations and memorial services that we do have.

If we can ever hope to get a handle on this disease and make sure that it finally ends within our lifetime is to take a bigger active role in this education process.  We have to shake these fears, and open our mouths, we must tell anyone who will listen about HIV/AIDS, dispel the lies, fears, and ignorance that surround this disease.  It can only get worse if we sweep it under the carpet and try to hide it. Does it really matter that people are living longer and are living healthier with the disease today?  Of course it does, but it doesn't end the hatred, fear, persecution and other stigmas associated with the disease.  Only by being transparent and letting the world know that we won't accept and tolerate these types of behavior anymore.  Plus, we need to emphasize the importance of getting tested regularly and KNOWING YOUR STATUS.

Please don't hide your head in the sand, it is everyone's responsibility.  How many of you know that 3 out of every 5 people you pass on the street are HIV positive and don't even know it.  Do you realize that in the United States that every 7 seconds another person is being diagnosed with HIV?  It is staggering to think about these things and yet so little is being done to educate our young people.  I live in Daytona Beach, Florida, and I live very close to Bethune-Cookman College which resides in the heaviest hit zipcode in Florida of HIV Infection.

Please take the time and talk to anyone around you who will listen to your story. You don't know who around you might need to be inspired by you and might gain hope just by hearing your testimony.  Encourage everyone you know to get tested regularly and to Know their Status, it might not only save their life, but those that they love and care about.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open a new window via technology of today.

In a world that has grown so cold and impersonal it is funny how we go about making friends these days.  When I was young we met new people at school, the library, roller rink, and other events which required us to meet that person directly face to face and in person.  Today, with the advent of computers and the evolution of software to create social media has changed the world in many ways.  One of which is how we meet and interact with people.  With the internet and then social media barriers and borders were crossed and people started to communicate with people all across the world.  No longer did it actually matter where you lived physically you could and do meet them virtually.

There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up.  But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to?  See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.

What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face?  Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line?  Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people.  Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to?  Is that really a current picture of him?  Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear?  Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself.  What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?

I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics.  They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you.  Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them.  They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart.  There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.

I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see.  That  way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time.  They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper.  I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.

But I was cautious when I met him.  He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando.  The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along.  John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room.  However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong.  Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other.  John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time.  Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came.  Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like.  I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together.  My dream was coming true.

But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then.  Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web.  Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook.  Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born.  It is the virtual relationship or friendship.  However, somethings get lost in translation.  You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message.  You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.

I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe.  Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way.  At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation.  I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.

Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone.  You are beginning to think that you are really into this person.  They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like.  Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model  or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like.  But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face.  9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate.  Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.

You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this.  For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society.  One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing.  Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice.  You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside.  Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one.  But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge.  Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.

There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either.  Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything.  I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them.  Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset.  Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected.   Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around.  Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them?  The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.

I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations.  You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit.  You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another.  Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night.  You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other.  Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with  you and that you have each others backs.  Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.

Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where.  Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call.  Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry.  I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because  I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.

Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Be a Warrior not a worrier!

I was thinking a lot about things that have been going on in my life over the past several months, and I realized something really important.  See back in August I was in so much pain in my back and I didn't have a clue what was going on with me. I had been to the emergency room 19 times and all they ever kept telling me was that I had a back strain.  But, the pain started out as a small pain between my shoulder blades, I thought that maybe I was just extremely tired or since I had just bought the stick shift car maybe it was from all the shifting I had been doing.

I really didn't have too much time to dwell on the pain, because during this same time period, Alicia, Lonnie, Kim, and others kept making random appearances at my apartment and so many things were going to hell in a hand basket and I just couldn't get the situation under control.  It was during this time that I ended up getting arrested 3 times in just a months period.  I was also told by my landlord that I had to move at the beginning of July.  I was running out of time and with my back hurting so badly, I couldn't do much.  For the first 2 weeks, I ended up laying around in bed, and as time started closing in on me.  I began to worry so much that I became afraid. My whole world was crashing down around my ears.  Because of the friends of Kim I ended up being robbed and lost everything important I owned.

Because of my back pain, and the constant visits to the emergency room.  My dad and step mother allowed me to come back to live at their house. I was only there about 2 weeks when I had an MRI which was the very beginning of a long and painful journey.  The morning of the MRI it took me almost 30 minutes to get out of bed.  When I finally got out to the living room, my father noticed that something was wrong and asked what the matter was. I told him that my back hurt so bad that I wasn't sure I could drive to the appointment.  When I got to the imaging center it was all I could do to get in the door and walk up to the desk. The receptionist noticed how I was walking and rushed to get me a wheel chair.  I even ran into two close friends while I was there and was in so much pain that I couldn't really even talk to them to let them know what was going on.

Time clicked by so slowly, and my mind was running through all these different scenarios.  I was worrying and worrying the longer it took the more heavy the weight on my shoulders became.  Long story short I was wheeled into the MRI room, the tech put me on the table, the machine was made only one pass when the tech came back and helped me up saying that the radiologist needed to talk to me.  I was wheeled in to the guys office and he promptly asked me how I got to the imaging center.  I told him that I drove, and he asked me if there was someone that could come and pick up my car and get me to the hospital ASAP.  The image that he showed me had an infection centered in the thoracic spine, it appeared to be through the center of my spine and right into my spinal column.  I was told that the infection was so severe and was strangling my spinal cord and that if I didn't get treated immediately I could become paralyzed for life.

I stayed in the hospital for 14 days, and given IV antibiotics, it is here where I learned that I needed to be a warrior and not a worrier.  See I was freaked out because once I got to the hospital, my legs gave out and I had to have my dad get a wheel chair and for the next 2 months, I couldn't get them to move at all.  The antibiotics worked slowly and because of that I ended up having to go to a nursing/rehab facility for continued IV treatments.  I was admitted at night to the facility and by the time I got settled in it was after midnight.  So I didn't get to meet anyone at that time.  But at 8 am the next morning I was assaulted by a myriad of people, nurses, doctors, cna's, administrators, therapists.  All the information overloaded my mind but the one thing that struck home and hit me squarely between the eyes was what the physical therapist said. She told me that she was sorry but I was never going to walk again.  Now, as you can imagine this was my fear from the beginning.

That night as I lay in my bed and continued worrying.  I decided to pray instead of letting my mind run away with me.  The head can only take so much information and process it, the shoulders can only stand so much weight before you feel like the world was resting on them.  The weight was overwhelming I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same, that I was stuck and I would never be able to move again, both figuratively and literally.  So I did the only thing I knew what to do, I turned to God in prayer.  I prayed continuously through the night, and when the sun broached the horizon and sunrise started. A peace descended upon me, it was like something I never felt before, and I had the calm assurance that if I did all I could on my own, I would be rewarded and I would get my legs back.  So when therapy came in to start my rehab, I diligently did as I was told.  Then that afternoon I started going back to the gym, this was a routine that I established.  I would drag myself up on the balance bars, and I would shuffle along.  I literally taught myself to walk again.  I prayed diligently and had the calm reassurance that I was going to be healed.

It took me 3 weeks to start walking with a 2 wheeled walker and 3 to 4 weeks later I had graduated to the 4 wheeled walker.  and just 2 weeks after that I graduated to a cane.  I used that for 2 weeks before I had a fall in the parking lot and they put me back to the 4 wheel walker.  But when I was finally released from the home 18 weeks later. I went home using only the cane.  I continued to pray and do the exercises that I was taught in the home.  I am now off of any type of walking assistance, and I have stopped taking the pain medication.  I do go back there to visit my friends and staff members that work at the home every Sunday. this past Sunday my friend Jonathan and I went back to the home and every one there was amazed at the progress I have made.  My back is straight, and my posture is good, and they keep telling me that I am looking so good.  I am pleased and excited by the progress I have made, but I am not surprised because I knew in my heart all those months ago that I was going to be healed and I was.

See, don't let your worry over life add weight to your shoulders, because if you keep worrying the weight will pile up and before you know it you won't be able to move.  See worrying is never an answer, it will lock you into place.  You can't get past it and it weighs you down and make it hard to think.

What am I trying to tell you?  I am telling you that if you go from worrier to warrior your life is going to be so much better. You will also find that by leaving your problems and concerns at the feet of Jesus you are no longer weighed down by all those heavy thoughts and worries.

Practice praying daily, give all your concerns, problems and desires over to the Lord and you will begin to experience a brighter countenance and life seems to be easier to get through. I challenge you to stop being a worrier and  become a pray warrior and you will see changes in your life and miracles all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Acceptance starts at home

Over the past couple of days the topic of acceptance has been presenting itself to me over and over again.  First, in my relationship, then in my own personal life.  What I came up with after dealing with this issue for the past 3 days is that if you want to be able to accept another person, you have to be able to accept yourself.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin, if you ever want to be comfortable loving and accepting anyone else in your life.  Here is what I know, I am not comfortable with all the scars, the bags, and all the limitations that have happened with my body since I have gotten ill.  The truth of the matter is that I was even scared to tell my boyfriend of five years that with everything that my body has gone through, I may never be able to have sex again.  This was something that I was ashamed of, self-conscious of, and most importantly it was a shortcoming that I am very insecure about ever since my illness raised it's head in 2005.

To be honest with you, my self-esteem had suffered, but over the past 8 years, it has begun to make a comeback.  See it was through the efforts of previous boyfriends and relationships that have made me realize my self worth, and through their help my self confidence and self esteem have been bolstered. Yet it has still taken me years to come to terms with my illness and limitations.  It wasn't until I wrote about overcoming limitations in my blog that I actually came to terms with my own.  Yet, it didn't stop there, see my boyfriend suffers from his own insecurities and has a hard time taking compliments.  His self esteem is impaired from his previous relationship and the mental and physical abuse he suffered through.  It is extremely hard for him to think that anyone can care about him, that the feelings that he is feeling is real.  He also has a hard time accepting compliments.  He doesn't actually like attention to be called to him or his accomplishments.  I think that the reason for this is because he has to embrace what has happened to him in the past, accept it and move on. Once he can do that he will be able to accept his own limitations, insecurities and shortcomings.

This is what I know about insecurities, we each have them. Without the love of another it may be totally impossible to overcome those insecurities, to be one hundred percent comfortable in our own skin.  See the insecurities we have will make it impossible to accept the compliments of others, we will still see ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be. We will hold people back by the walls we have built to protect us from having to relive or reveal those insecurities to others.  Basically, we are keeping others at arms length, never letting them to get to know the real us.  It is extremely important when you let your walls down, to let them all down, reveal your deep seated insecurities, reveal to your partner you vulnerabilities and trust them to hold them close to their heart and not betray you.  By doing this you will allow the other person to get to know the real you and together you can assuage and face those fears together.  I honestly believe that through love and our hearts. two people can face and overcome anything.

I know from my own insecurities, that I was holding myself back, that I didn't even have hope, that I was ashamed, embarrassed and wouldn't let anyone close to me.  It took someone that was persistent and very insistent that he loved me.  Then it took him months and months to convince me that he loved me, that the bags, scars and others insecurities didn't matter to him, that he loved the person he saw inside of me and my personality, my brain, intelligence and a hundred other things that attracted him to me.  My biggest fear was that I wouldn't find anyone that could love me, accept me or even consider going out with me because I have the bags, that I couldn't have sex, and that I had all of these scars. Insecurities led to fear and fear can paralyze us and keep us from taking the chances and risks that we need to.  It can keep us from becoming successful and limits our resourcefulness.

It is also true that our own fears and insecurities can make us reject out of hand the compliments others dish out to us, and it can even keep us from accepting criticism. Now this can lead to the build up of pressure and  stress.  Which in turn if not processed properly can lead lead to depression. Now for most of us this is something that can be worked on and overcome, but for those that are in the public eye or even famous this might lead to other problems that may affect their work or livelihood.  A famous singer from Nirvana, Kirk Cobain. could attest to this fact if he were still alive.  Stress and depression from perceived limitations and disabilities can lead us to severe depression and dark thoughts, which might in turn lead us down the path toward suicide.  Remember that thoughts of suicide creep up on us when we feel like we are trapped and our problems are insurmountable and we can't get past them.  It is important for us to face our insecurities embrace them and learn to overcome them.

Keep in mind that not all insecurities and limitations are physical, they can be mental or perceived as well.  This does not make them less real then the physical ones.  I hope that you understand that we can overcome them and face them with the love and support of others.  The first step in this process is to be open and frank about them.  When you can talk about them, even joke about them, you are able to express them in such a way that you can let the healing begin.  Keep in mind that only you can start the process.  You can't live in fear and concern and expect to move forward in your life.  Hiding behind walls and keeping it bottled up inside of you will only add to your pain and stress.  Trust me when I tell you that these fears and insecurities are painful, and only by exposing them to others can you lessen the pain that you feel.  You may be totally surprised when you finally are ready to open up about them that others are just as fearful and scared as you are. That they too have some deep seated insecurities, that are just waiting to be exposed to the light of day. And that by talking about them you lessen the power they have over you and your life.  Also, once you start talking about them you become more comfortable with them, and eventually they will not be a plague to you anymore.

You are not alone in this.  Everyone of us has something about our bodies, our looks and personality that we don't like, but these are what makes us different and unique, and as you express them to others, you will find that they are what gives you the character, drive and strength.  They aren't as limiting as you thought they were.  They may be the reason why you have acted a certain way your entire life, and they could be the very thing that has defined you.  But once you expose them to others, and start facing them and dealing with them, you are going to find ways to accept them and once you do that you can overcome them.  We are not so different you and I, we may have different fears and insecurities, but we have them, maybe by birth or by mishap, or illness.  Each of us are different, but we are still the same.  We each have fear and we like to keep hidden those things which bother us.  But, when you start talking about them, and expose them to the light so to speak you are going to find that there are others just like you that may have similar fears, similar insecurities, or similar illnesses or situations that will make it easier for you to identify with and be more open and forthcoming.  Once you open the flood gates you will be surprised where that current might take you.  You may even find that what you thought was a flaw or insecurity wasn't that at all.

You can't accept someone fully and totally if you can't accept yourself.  They say that in order to love another that you have to love yourself first, and that is true.  Keep in mind that acceptance starts by facing and embracing your insecurities, fears and flaws and dealing with them.  Once you can do that you can accept those that others have.  Communication my dear ones is the key to this as with so many other issues that we face. Man is a social creature, we need the interaction of others to keep us healthy and happy, and by opening yourself up and accepting that which you cannot change and talking about it, you will find yourself that much stronger.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Remorse and Regret Can Be Overcome By Helping Others!

Do you feel remorse and regret for an situation or action that occurred but there is no way you can go back and make it up to the person that was hurt?  Do you suffer from guilt and anxiety over not being able to make it up to the person that was hurt?  If you do, then I want you to try something, now this is not an original idea I got it from the movie "Pay It Forward" but I think it is an excellent way to help you deal with those feelings and maybe in some small way get the closure you need to let those emotions go finally.  Because trust me when I tell you, if there is nothing you can do, and you can't actually find or get in touch with the person who you have wronged or hurt, then those emotions are useless and are only holding you back and hurting you.  With that in mind if there is a way that you can get in touch with the other person, then I think you should contact them and tell them that you are sorry, give them a heartfelt apology and let those feeling finally move on.  Don't try to reopen the wounds by giving a halfhearted apology with excuses and rationalizations attached, because that is just going to make the situation much worse.  You would have been better off just living with the guilt, remorse, regret and anxiety. 

Each of us searches for closure for all painful things in our lives.  Sometimes it is because a relationship went horribly wrong, and both of you got hurt, or if there was some kind of altercation in your life and you parted friends with someone and ugly hateful words were said, or heaven forbid some sort of accident occurred and someone was seriously injured or hurt. Maybe a parent or loved one died and you had a fight and never got the chance to make up or they died suddenly and you never got the chance to say goodbye, whatever the reason, it is true there are times when we need closure but can't find it or get it for whatever the reason. When this happens feelings of regret and remorse can overwhelm us, followed closely by guilt and anxiety, which if left untreated, can lead to severe depression.

Closure is a way of moving past those old hurts and pains and move forward, either with the person or without. Sometimes closure brings answers to unanswered questions or provides explanations for why certain things happened as they did.  However, as I have said earlier sometimes closure isn't possible for one reason or another.  Sometimes closure can occur over time, however the questions still remain.  One thing is for sure that if you cannot find or talk to the other person closure may or may not be possible.  Sometimes asking for forgiveness or apologizing brings closure and sometimes it doesn't.  But, I want you to keep in mind that forgiveness is for you and you alone, even if someone does say that they forgive you, it doesn't really help them out.  It is for you. You are the one that is going to feel better in the end.  However, just like with closure and moving on, forgiveness may not be able to be had.

But there might be a way for you to use the emotions of regret, remorse, guilt and anxiety to help someone else out.  In other words "paying it forward", doing something to help others might actually get your mind off the issue that you are seeking closure for.  Now it will not answer the questions you might have or assuage all of your feelings that you are experiencing, but it will bring you some relief.  You may not be able to make it right with the person you have wronged but you can make it up to someone, and by doing that you are paying it forward, and if everyone did that the world would be a kinder and lighter place.  There would be less fighting and more understanding and friendships.  I for one have friends that I have known my whole life, and I take those friendships very seriously.  Now I can't say that there haven't been arguments and misunderstandings. That we haven't fought and stopped talking at times for awhile, but what I can say is that no matter what the issue or the problem we eventually always come back together and work it out.  If everyone did that, don't you think there would be less pain and animosity in the world.

Every time I meet a new person I enter into that relationship and cultivate it for longevity. I am not interested in just meeting you and making your acquaintance, I am interested in being a life long friend. Someone you can count on and trust. But I am also hoping to make the world a better place, and I think that by cultivating friendships and understanding how people are will go a long way toward making the world a brighter and safer and better place.  My definition of friend is that I accept you as you are.  I take you at face value, and I truly embrace your uniqueness and your differences and accept all of you. I can't like you and not accept you I am just not built that way.  I know that the human heart has the greatest capacity for unconditional love and acceptance.  It also has the greatest capacity to forgive, but once wounded it doesn't forget the pain.  It can move on get past it and work through the issue, but it doesn't forget the pain or the hurt that has been done to it.  As a matter of fact I was discussing this with a new friend just last night. See, I know that the human heart has the greatest capacity to love, and when it loves it loves hard, it is possible to love countless people. You love and care about your parents, your siblings and others that you have had relationships with in the past.  The love you have for your family is unconditional love, no matter what they do, they are your family and you care about them and will try your best to put them first, it goes the same with your friends.  Unconditional means total and uncompromising acceptance, willingness to overlook or accept and embrace their flaws as well as their virtues.  

The reason why I am bringing this up is that it is the heart that allows us to move on and find closure in actions, words and deeds.  They don't necessarily have to be from the person that hurt you or you were hurt by.  The heart is amazing in it's ability to forgive, move on, and find closure. It also finds inspiration in the smallest things and can make you happy even in the midst of your darkest hour.  With that in mind I honestly believe that by helping others that are in need might be just what you need to assuage your feelings of remorse and regret, as long as you are of pure intention and not looking for anything back in return.  Trust me when I tell you the feelings of joy and satisfaction will overpower and replace the feelings of regret and remorse you were feeling.  You can take a sense of pride that you are in a small way doing your part in making the world a better and safer place to live in. That you are creating an atmosphere of love, tolerance and acceptance that will continue to perpetuate through the many lives that you touch.  I have told you over and over again that the you never know where a casual encounter will take you, how your reaching out you hand in friendship and caring to another, might take them.  How a simple act of kindness may be all that is standing between a person and suicide.  Life has a funny way of taking our efforts and making them so much more than what they started out as.  Think of your act of kindness as a pebble falling into a lake, the ripples that is caused by that pebble start out small and expand the further out it travels.  One simple act can affect so many more people than you ever realize.  

Just remember the advice that my grandfather gave me.  A man doesn't leave his mark on the world by how many possessions he has or how much money he makes, but by how many lives he touches and how many people remember him after he is gone.  It is my hope that out of the thousands of people who I have helped and lives I have touched will remember me for the kindness and love that I have for them, and remember that someone once helped them when they needed it and will do the same for someone else.  I have been told by several people recently that they find inspiration in me just by the way I live and how I handle dealing with all the issues and problems that I have.  That statement alone proves to me that even the least deed that we do can have far reaching affects, we never know who is watching us and getting inspiration from our daily life. How many others are changed and helped by the example that demonstrate in your daily life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not Knowing Might Just Be a Good Thing!

I was talking with a friend today, telling him about how confusing life can be and how I don't know which direction I want to take my life in.  It was then when I was talking to him that I realized it might not be a bad thing not knowing where I am going.  I have tried the college thing, and sitting in an office thing. I have had many careers in my life, and each and everyone of them I didn't actually enjoy.  There were some that I like more than others, there were some that definitely paid more than the one before.  But, where was my happiness, enjoyment, fulfillment and passion?  It wasn't too be had in any of the things I have done.  Since I started writing again, I  have found a peace and contentment that I haven't felt before. I feel a connection to each and everyone of my readers, and a sense of fulfillment I have never felt before.

This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can.  This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you.  So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place?  I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them.  I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone.  I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me.  I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.

Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair.  I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens.  I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.  It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.

But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey.  Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant.  The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way.  Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them.  I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled.  But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward.  So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet.  I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.

I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision.  See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying.  It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it.  Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot.  How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't.  Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new.  Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't.  If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on.  You have to do for you.  No one else is going to be able to do it for you.  Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.

While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices.  I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world?  Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here.  Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take.  But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success.  See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally.  When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.

So what am I actually trying to tell you?  I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it.  Let me try and give you an example of what I mean.  I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to.  He has several choices and options that are open to him.  He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places.  Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision.  He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him.  Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh.  If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different.  See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder.  He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution.  Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.

You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move.  Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.

Let me know if this helps any of you.  I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

So how do you deal with loneliness?

For the past several months I have been battling an ever increasing sense of loneliness.  It has been a constant companion since I moved back to Florida.  I think one of the things that I miss most about my life in Atlanta is all the people I used to surround myself with.  Now, I am not necessarily talking about all the drama that they brought into my life, or the conflicts that arose because they were constantly around.  I am just talking about people in general. I have come to realize that I am a very social person. I don't like to be alone and I find it hard to entertain myself.  Hence, the appeal of the Meth world, because when you are high you hardly ever want to be alone.  As one of my friends used to say the more the merrier.  However, those weren't quality relationships, and often lead to conflict with the person I was dating or seeing at the time.  Having a house or apartment full of people 24/7 is not really conducive to creating a lasting relationship, I can tell you on that one.  Because the long and the short of it everyone's problems became mine and my partners all the time.  As my Ex Sterling can tell you I was busy being everyone's mother and he was busy being everyone's father. There just wasn't any time left for us.  Inevitably this caused a lot of friction in our relationship and bad choices along with some other things led us down a path that just tore us apart.  Sterling once said to me that it wasn't me it was all the "extra" that came along with me.  It took me several years and getting out of that circle of people to realize exactly what he meant.

But each of us handles loneliness differently, we each process and deal with being alone in our own personal way.  Today, I write a great deal, I play on Facebook and MeetMe, and I have even gotten on Google+.  That still wasn't enough for me, I still felt this impending doom and loneliness creeping in upon me. So I looked around and started looking for other outlets for me to pursue.  I came across the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning Group and the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  I started volunteering my time and energy to those organizations and that seemed to help.  Unfortunately, a series of problems have come up with my health and I have been unable to attend some of the recent meetings, but I plan on getting back involved as soon as I physically can.  Another way that I deal with my situation and loneliness is I spend a considerable amount of time on the phones with some of my friends.  I have a some very good friends in Ft. Lauderdale, and Tampa, L.A., Seattle, Macon, Atlanta, and North and South Carolina.  Before I moved out of my father's place, he would say he didn't know how I could talk on the phone so long without the battery dying all the time.  He said it seemed like I was on the phone 24/7, and sometimes I would be.

But how do you cope with loneliness? What kind of activities do you do to take your mind off of boredom?  How do you keep from fretting over things that you can't control when you are all alone?  My way is not necessarily the easiest way, but it most certainly isn't the hardest way either.  I do a lot of praying and meditating, and watching movies.  I do have a tendency to get bored easily, and I have to create things for myself to do.  If I had all the stuff that is up at my mother's in storage, I would never be bored. All my craft and art supplies are up there. I could be sitting here making jewelry or doing cross-stitch or something to take my mind off the boredom, worries and quiet times.  I also have all sorts of computer books and stuff up there, I could be brushing up on my skill set, and trying to get back to work in the IT field.  I interview still but it seems that my skill set is outdated and I will either have to go through some type of retraining or re-teach myself everything I have forgotten.

I sort of envy people that can entertain themselves, that enjoy being alone and don't get bored easily.  I wish I had that quality within me.  Because honestly there are some days where I just feel so restless and I have no idea what to do with myself.  There once was a time when I buried myself in books or in video games, but now I have a more social focus and I like to be around people and experience social interactions.  I know with today's technology our friends are even closer now than ever, and we can just log on to things like Facebook, SchoolFeed or other social networking sites and we can instantly connect with them.  However, I honestly don't feel that this type of interaction can actually replace for me the need for human interaction.  I like to talk to people, hear their voice, look at them as they are telling me their problems, concerns and crisis's  Though it is fun to connect with people I haven't seen or talked to in years and Facebook has made that possible for me.  I have reconnected with a lot of my high school friends and Navy pals, I have even begun talking to them on the phone and so forth.  It really has been a cool experience to find out what has been happening with them and their lives since we parted.  I can say that it has made it well worth it.  There are some people that I knew in the Navy that I never thought I would ever see or hear from again, and because of Facebook we have reconnected all these years later.  It is fantastic.

I guess in the long run, the way I deal with loneliness is not to deal with it. To pick up the phone or log into Facebook, or send an email to someone is my way of coping.  Plus, I have you my readers that I write to daily and talk to you about everything.  I have found a way to be completely open to the world and keep no more secrets.  I must say that is a blessing within itself.

Further, with the amount of emails and comments that I have been getting about my blog, I am so very happy that the lessons I have learned in my life are able to help others who are going through similar situations.  I am honestly thankful that you are all here and are so supportive of my writing and what I have to say.

Bottom line is this, I don't believe that there is ever going to be a total substitute for human interaction, we have to get out there and meet other people.  There is only so much living we can do at present in Cyberspace.  Though as VR becomes more available and real, I think more and more people will be living a life within the "Matrix" and meeting people that way.  But for now, I encourage you to go out and do it the old fashion way.  Talk to real live humans, get to know them, interact with them.  Don't hide behind your loneliness and boredom, like I told you the other day "Life doesn't come with a remote control, if it isn't how you like it, get up and change it yourself". You can do it, all it takes is a little effort and a leap of faith.  My best friend said on Facebook today "Anything worthwhile isn't going to be painless, no pain, no gain."  Take a step out of the cyber world and live in the real one for a minute and see if you can't experience the same things in both lands.  It really is a wondrous place this world we live in. You just need to go out there and experience it first hand.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B