I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog. One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see. That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing. But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned. In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet. Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it. Guess what he was absolutely right.
Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way. It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage. Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through. I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing. My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out. I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something. I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items. Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives. Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle. Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it. Not right or fair.
Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here. I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along. But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world. I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way. Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior. In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through.
2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn. This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of. I ended up losing everything that I had left. The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch. The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health. My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida. Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all. Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way. But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place. I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.
But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs. For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow. I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want. I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me. How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.
I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool. I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow. Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me. I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy. Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me. I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health. In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore. I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance. But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all. My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.
For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life. But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone. For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him. I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give. I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.
So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that. I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me. Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all. The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened. We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away. Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people. But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.
But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts. I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself. I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either. I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets. Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets. I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life. There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity. I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.
I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.
I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there. I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through, if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it. I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive. I hope you will too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Thursday, April 14, 2016
For you
Another day another time, when one season ends another begins, for with every ending comes a new begining. If you do not reach out and do something for yourself you can't expect someone else to do it for you. Have peace and confidence in all that you do. Change is in the air, and before you know it you will be in another space.
Each season has it's own color and theme, life is colored by the grace and warmth that each new dawn brings. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You cannot expect something to come from nothing, because nothing ever will. Listen to the sound on the wind and the song of the birds in the air. Let their joyous melody free you from the mundane.
Grow from love, because compassion and understanding given will benefit you more when it is returned. Love hard and love long, because it will keep you strong. Everything that you put out will be returned to you ten fold. Trust and believe that everything that you ever need with be granted unto you. The needs must come before the wants, if not nothing can thrive.
Balance all you do with tolerance and understanding because these are what makes you a stronger man. Acceptance and peace are gifts that can be graciously recieved and given. Be open and receptive so that you can grow taller and stronger.
Abide in truth and honesty so that others know you to be a stalwart guardian of peace and love. Integrity above pity, Trust before greed and faith in others should be you work of the day.
For in the end you can only grow if you learn to be trusting compassionate, truthful and strong.
The future is full of change and hope for you. I see it all the year long.
May God grant you fortune and prosperity, seek and find your happiness, time can be an enemy or a guide use it to your own advantage. Beware of those that seek to drag you from your path. Stay true to your desires and keep your goal firmly in your mind.
Love yourself so you can show that love to others. Do not fear what tomorrow brings because God is with you in all things.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
God is talking and I am listening
I know that I have talked about this before, but God has laid it upon my heart to reach out to you again and remind some of you that you are trying to hard to get ahead in life. You are striving to get that raise, move to the next level in you work life. But your home life is suffering and taking a backseat, and that isn't fair to those around you that love and cherish you. It is time for you to slow down, it is okay to be ambitious. But it is not okay to be ruthless and try to discredit or hurt the ones that are competing against you. You are supposed to bring all things to Jesus and lay them at His feet and that includes challenges at work and yes even that promotion you are shooting for.
Too many of us get wrapped up in ourselves and cannot separate work life from home life. For some reason you cannot compartmentalize and separate the too and guess what your home life becomes just as stressful as your work life. Trust me the ones around you can see it and feel it when you are near. That stress and tension that you have at work needs to stay at work. Now I am not saying that you cannot tell your spouse about your day whether it was good or bad, but the tension and stress needs to be left outside at your front door.
It has been weighing on my heart that many of us are looking back over our lives and we are not anywhere near where we thought we would be. Some of you are, but a majority of us aren't. Whether you have had a setback due to health, injury, lay offs, downsizing etc. you aren't where you thought you would be. I know that when I look back at my life I would never have thought that at the age of 46 that I would be starting my life all over again, that I would be single and that I would be renting an apartment and struggling to make ends meet. How could I have planned this? How did this actually happen to me, and what am I doing about it to get myself and my mind right about all of the things that have happened to me over the past 10 years?
The honest truth is in April of 2012, I made a conscious decision to leave Atlanta Georgia and return to Florida. I had been heavily in the drug scene in Atlanta and was actually homeless and was roaming the streets. It was bitter cold because it was during the winter. The day that I boarded the bus in Atlanta was 3 March 2012, and I had only the clothes on my back a sweat shirt and sweat pants and a pair of tennis shoes. Yet, there was a reason for my decision to leave. I had found out in December that I had kidney stones real bad and they were extremely painful. On Dec. 23, 2011 I had to have surgery to have the stones removed and after the surgery the Urologist came into the room and told me that my kidneys were failing that one was working at 15% and the other at 50%. the other thing that he told me was that my condition was irreversible and that I needed to go home because if I didn't I would end up another statistic on the street that had died. So I boarded a bus and literally came home to die.
Before I go on here I need to explain about the drug usage that occurs in my life. See, I have emotional issues about my body, my scars, my having to have a colostomy bag and other issues. Therefore getting high was the only way that I could feel comfortable around other people to take off my clothes and have sex. Now this might sound strange to you, but it is the honest and unvarnished truth. See my drug of choice is Crystal Meth, unfortunately as I have found out over the past 3 years is that using that stuff takes a very heavy toll on my body and I end up every time I use in the hospital. So, I had to ask myself was the couple of hours that I was high worth the price my body was taking and was it worth all the time I ended up spending in the hospital. The answer is No. Even recently in Feb. I thought I was healthy enough to try it, and granted I had been off of it close to a full year, but my body wasn't with it. I ended up in ICU for 7 days with acute renal failure. My kidneys were damaged so much this last time that they thought I was going to have to have dialysis and my body probably wouldn't have been able to survive the shock that puts on your system. Luckily a lot of you were praying for me, and I am thankful that once again the Hand of God intervened due to all the prayers and well wishes you sent my way because let me tell you something a miracle happened on the fourth day that I was in there. My kidneys miraculously came back on line and started working better. The creatinin level started to decline and the doctors knew that I was returning to a normal state.
You maybe wondering why I am going into all of this stuff. Because I want you to realize something, choices that we make can bring us to a place where we don't want to be or never expected to be in a million years. When I got out of the Navy in 1991 I had a tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide and had to go through chemo and radiation. This slowed me down at the age of 24, but four years later I was bouncing back and had moved to Atlanta and had started a life. Me and Joe had it all good jobs bringing in lots of money. We had 2 houses, several cars, 2 dogs, a cat. Basically we made it to where we wanted to be. However in 2004 all of that was going to change. My symptoms returned and I got sick again, and on Jan 25, 2005 they decided that they were going to operate on me and that was the biggest mistake of my life. It led me down the current path I am on. See it was after the surgeries and the damage that the doctors did to my body that I learned about Crystal Meth and how it could help me overcome my insecurities and have a semi normal relationship with other people. However, it is also the very reason that I am single today and where I am at, if you want to know that absolute truth.
Yet, even I look back at my life and I see what I had and what I have lost and sometimes it makes me sad. I threw away a lot of people that cared about me and embarked on a solo journey that was going to end with my destruction. However, I have come off that path and have found a new direction to focus my energies on and that is you my friends. I am here because someone out there needs to hear this right now. One person's life is going to be altered by my writing this. I know this to be true because God has spoken too me and I am finally listening. See the drug was a crutch, I cannot be happy with anyone else till I am totally comfortable with who I am, and I mean all of me. Not just the parts that I like but the bags, scares and everything else that goes with it.
My point is as I look back and see where I have been and where I am at now, neither place was where I exactly wanted to be. Yet, if it hadn't been for that journey and going through everything that I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing too you and trying to help you. See I would be out there doing the same stuff that all my friends are still doing and not going forward with my life, just stuck on Repeat, doing the same things day in and day out and using people and trying to work out how I am going to get high again tomorrow. I am so glad that my dad and God decided that enough was enough and helped me get to Florida.
In the first 8 months that I was here, I had a job, a car, and an apartment. I was making real progress and doing stuff for myself. I had joined some groups and had made some really good friends. I am hoping that this year is going to be a better year and I am going to be hanging out with those new friends now more than ever.
So what am I really trying to tell you in this very long and drawn out narrative. Is simply this. When you look back at your life and you find that you aren't exactly where you thought you would be. You need to look at what you have done, been and accomplished. See it is the journey that counts and when all is said and done you are going to realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. God brought you to the perfect place so you could tell your story. It is time now to become happy and content with where you are at any stage of your life. See, once you realize that you are where God wants you too be and you have come to the conclusion that you truly arrived the rest is so easy and usually falls right into place.
I hope that this helped someone today, because it was upon my heart and I know someone out there needed to hear this today.
May God guide you and keep you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Too many of us get wrapped up in ourselves and cannot separate work life from home life. For some reason you cannot compartmentalize and separate the too and guess what your home life becomes just as stressful as your work life. Trust me the ones around you can see it and feel it when you are near. That stress and tension that you have at work needs to stay at work. Now I am not saying that you cannot tell your spouse about your day whether it was good or bad, but the tension and stress needs to be left outside at your front door.
It has been weighing on my heart that many of us are looking back over our lives and we are not anywhere near where we thought we would be. Some of you are, but a majority of us aren't. Whether you have had a setback due to health, injury, lay offs, downsizing etc. you aren't where you thought you would be. I know that when I look back at my life I would never have thought that at the age of 46 that I would be starting my life all over again, that I would be single and that I would be renting an apartment and struggling to make ends meet. How could I have planned this? How did this actually happen to me, and what am I doing about it to get myself and my mind right about all of the things that have happened to me over the past 10 years?
The honest truth is in April of 2012, I made a conscious decision to leave Atlanta Georgia and return to Florida. I had been heavily in the drug scene in Atlanta and was actually homeless and was roaming the streets. It was bitter cold because it was during the winter. The day that I boarded the bus in Atlanta was 3 March 2012, and I had only the clothes on my back a sweat shirt and sweat pants and a pair of tennis shoes. Yet, there was a reason for my decision to leave. I had found out in December that I had kidney stones real bad and they were extremely painful. On Dec. 23, 2011 I had to have surgery to have the stones removed and after the surgery the Urologist came into the room and told me that my kidneys were failing that one was working at 15% and the other at 50%. the other thing that he told me was that my condition was irreversible and that I needed to go home because if I didn't I would end up another statistic on the street that had died. So I boarded a bus and literally came home to die.
Before I go on here I need to explain about the drug usage that occurs in my life. See, I have emotional issues about my body, my scars, my having to have a colostomy bag and other issues. Therefore getting high was the only way that I could feel comfortable around other people to take off my clothes and have sex. Now this might sound strange to you, but it is the honest and unvarnished truth. See my drug of choice is Crystal Meth, unfortunately as I have found out over the past 3 years is that using that stuff takes a very heavy toll on my body and I end up every time I use in the hospital. So, I had to ask myself was the couple of hours that I was high worth the price my body was taking and was it worth all the time I ended up spending in the hospital. The answer is No. Even recently in Feb. I thought I was healthy enough to try it, and granted I had been off of it close to a full year, but my body wasn't with it. I ended up in ICU for 7 days with acute renal failure. My kidneys were damaged so much this last time that they thought I was going to have to have dialysis and my body probably wouldn't have been able to survive the shock that puts on your system. Luckily a lot of you were praying for me, and I am thankful that once again the Hand of God intervened due to all the prayers and well wishes you sent my way because let me tell you something a miracle happened on the fourth day that I was in there. My kidneys miraculously came back on line and started working better. The creatinin level started to decline and the doctors knew that I was returning to a normal state.
You maybe wondering why I am going into all of this stuff. Because I want you to realize something, choices that we make can bring us to a place where we don't want to be or never expected to be in a million years. When I got out of the Navy in 1991 I had a tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide and had to go through chemo and radiation. This slowed me down at the age of 24, but four years later I was bouncing back and had moved to Atlanta and had started a life. Me and Joe had it all good jobs bringing in lots of money. We had 2 houses, several cars, 2 dogs, a cat. Basically we made it to where we wanted to be. However in 2004 all of that was going to change. My symptoms returned and I got sick again, and on Jan 25, 2005 they decided that they were going to operate on me and that was the biggest mistake of my life. It led me down the current path I am on. See it was after the surgeries and the damage that the doctors did to my body that I learned about Crystal Meth and how it could help me overcome my insecurities and have a semi normal relationship with other people. However, it is also the very reason that I am single today and where I am at, if you want to know that absolute truth.
Yet, even I look back at my life and I see what I had and what I have lost and sometimes it makes me sad. I threw away a lot of people that cared about me and embarked on a solo journey that was going to end with my destruction. However, I have come off that path and have found a new direction to focus my energies on and that is you my friends. I am here because someone out there needs to hear this right now. One person's life is going to be altered by my writing this. I know this to be true because God has spoken too me and I am finally listening. See the drug was a crutch, I cannot be happy with anyone else till I am totally comfortable with who I am, and I mean all of me. Not just the parts that I like but the bags, scares and everything else that goes with it.
My point is as I look back and see where I have been and where I am at now, neither place was where I exactly wanted to be. Yet, if it hadn't been for that journey and going through everything that I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing too you and trying to help you. See I would be out there doing the same stuff that all my friends are still doing and not going forward with my life, just stuck on Repeat, doing the same things day in and day out and using people and trying to work out how I am going to get high again tomorrow. I am so glad that my dad and God decided that enough was enough and helped me get to Florida.
In the first 8 months that I was here, I had a job, a car, and an apartment. I was making real progress and doing stuff for myself. I had joined some groups and had made some really good friends. I am hoping that this year is going to be a better year and I am going to be hanging out with those new friends now more than ever.
So what am I really trying to tell you in this very long and drawn out narrative. Is simply this. When you look back at your life and you find that you aren't exactly where you thought you would be. You need to look at what you have done, been and accomplished. See it is the journey that counts and when all is said and done you are going to realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. God brought you to the perfect place so you could tell your story. It is time now to become happy and content with where you are at any stage of your life. See, once you realize that you are where God wants you too be and you have come to the conclusion that you truly arrived the rest is so easy and usually falls right into place.
I hope that this helped someone today, because it was upon my heart and I know someone out there needed to hear this today.
May God guide you and keep you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Approach of Spring
You can smell in on the night breeze that wafts through the window, the warm days and cool nights as winter looses it hold on the world. It is on those warm night breezes that hope springs forth like the new growth of the plants outside.
Spring is a time of hope, a time of renewal and joy. It is when nature comes back to life after it's winter hibernation. You can smell fresh smell of growth as the breeze filters through the screen door and out my window.
As the winter snows recede and new life breaks through the fertile earth, the daffodils grow lean and tall and as their blossom open to the new days sun. It is the symbol that spring has finally come. I remember watching as the stalks of the daffodils broke through the earth and i knew that winter was finally over.
It doesn't matter whether the groundhog had seen it's shadow or not, time waits for no one and the earth rotation continues ever onward. The long winter nights are over and the days start to stretch ever longer.
Take hope in the new spring as it grows all around you. For it is easy to believe that everything is good and right in the world as the new foliage spring forth from the ground. Feel that warm spring breeze as if flies through your window, smell the flowers as the new leaves sprout on trees.
It is the rain of spring that brings new life and the fertile earth gives new birth. Enjoy the weather for the calm days of spring bring in the harsh warmth of summer. Rain is scarce during the summer but so abundant in the spring.
I believe in the spring comes hope and joy. I hope that you find it this season. Because before you know it the world will have rotated and summer will be upon you. Take with you the hope that spring gives you and use it throughout the year. Beware that the heat of summer will try and drain the hope you have gained. You can weather this just as autumn like spring it has cool nights and warm days.
Autumn and Spring complete a cycle of life, birth, growth and aging and death. The seasons represent our lives and how we should live. Remember that winter won't last forever and spring will come again. It is the hope that new life will be born in the world that keeps you alive and well throughout the fall and winter. Summer is the harsh reality of it all the stark sun drying the earth and withering the growth, it is during this time that growth is completed.
Take hope in the spring and make it last the whole year through. Remember the warm days and cool nights because they come twice a year for you to signal the change of life to death. Warm days in the spring and cool nights they come again in the autumn those same warm days and cool nights.
Remember I believe in you always. Take heart in the new birth and growth that spring is about to bring you. Learn to live your life in the moment and enjoy the seasons as they come.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B.
Spring is a time of hope, a time of renewal and joy. It is when nature comes back to life after it's winter hibernation. You can smell fresh smell of growth as the breeze filters through the screen door and out my window.
As the winter snows recede and new life breaks through the fertile earth, the daffodils grow lean and tall and as their blossom open to the new days sun. It is the symbol that spring has finally come. I remember watching as the stalks of the daffodils broke through the earth and i knew that winter was finally over.
It doesn't matter whether the groundhog had seen it's shadow or not, time waits for no one and the earth rotation continues ever onward. The long winter nights are over and the days start to stretch ever longer.
Take hope in the new spring as it grows all around you. For it is easy to believe that everything is good and right in the world as the new foliage spring forth from the ground. Feel that warm spring breeze as if flies through your window, smell the flowers as the new leaves sprout on trees.
It is the rain of spring that brings new life and the fertile earth gives new birth. Enjoy the weather for the calm days of spring bring in the harsh warmth of summer. Rain is scarce during the summer but so abundant in the spring.
I believe in the spring comes hope and joy. I hope that you find it this season. Because before you know it the world will have rotated and summer will be upon you. Take with you the hope that spring gives you and use it throughout the year. Beware that the heat of summer will try and drain the hope you have gained. You can weather this just as autumn like spring it has cool nights and warm days.
Autumn and Spring complete a cycle of life, birth, growth and aging and death. The seasons represent our lives and how we should live. Remember that winter won't last forever and spring will come again. It is the hope that new life will be born in the world that keeps you alive and well throughout the fall and winter. Summer is the harsh reality of it all the stark sun drying the earth and withering the growth, it is during this time that growth is completed.
Take hope in the spring and make it last the whole year through. Remember the warm days and cool nights because they come twice a year for you to signal the change of life to death. Warm days in the spring and cool nights they come again in the autumn those same warm days and cool nights.
Remember I believe in you always. Take heart in the new birth and growth that spring is about to bring you. Learn to live your life in the moment and enjoy the seasons as they come.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Be a Warrior not a worrier!
I was thinking a lot about things that have been going on in my life over the past several months, and I realized something really important. See back in August I was in so much pain in my back and I didn't have a clue what was going on with me. I had been to the emergency room 19 times and all they ever kept telling me was that I had a back strain. But, the pain started out as a small pain between my shoulder blades, I thought that maybe I was just extremely tired or since I had just bought the stick shift car maybe it was from all the shifting I had been doing.
I really didn't have too much time to dwell on the pain, because during this same time period, Alicia, Lonnie, Kim, and others kept making random appearances at my apartment and so many things were going to hell in a hand basket and I just couldn't get the situation under control. It was during this time that I ended up getting arrested 3 times in just a months period. I was also told by my landlord that I had to move at the beginning of July. I was running out of time and with my back hurting so badly, I couldn't do much. For the first 2 weeks, I ended up laying around in bed, and as time started closing in on me. I began to worry so much that I became afraid. My whole world was crashing down around my ears. Because of the friends of Kim I ended up being robbed and lost everything important I owned.
Because of my back pain, and the constant visits to the emergency room. My dad and step mother allowed me to come back to live at their house. I was only there about 2 weeks when I had an MRI which was the very beginning of a long and painful journey. The morning of the MRI it took me almost 30 minutes to get out of bed. When I finally got out to the living room, my father noticed that something was wrong and asked what the matter was. I told him that my back hurt so bad that I wasn't sure I could drive to the appointment. When I got to the imaging center it was all I could do to get in the door and walk up to the desk. The receptionist noticed how I was walking and rushed to get me a wheel chair. I even ran into two close friends while I was there and was in so much pain that I couldn't really even talk to them to let them know what was going on.
Time clicked by so slowly, and my mind was running through all these different scenarios. I was worrying and worrying the longer it took the more heavy the weight on my shoulders became. Long story short I was wheeled into the MRI room, the tech put me on the table, the machine was made only one pass when the tech came back and helped me up saying that the radiologist needed to talk to me. I was wheeled in to the guys office and he promptly asked me how I got to the imaging center. I told him that I drove, and he asked me if there was someone that could come and pick up my car and get me to the hospital ASAP. The image that he showed me had an infection centered in the thoracic spine, it appeared to be through the center of my spine and right into my spinal column. I was told that the infection was so severe and was strangling my spinal cord and that if I didn't get treated immediately I could become paralyzed for life.
I stayed in the hospital for 14 days, and given IV antibiotics, it is here where I learned that I needed to be a warrior and not a worrier. See I was freaked out because once I got to the hospital, my legs gave out and I had to have my dad get a wheel chair and for the next 2 months, I couldn't get them to move at all. The antibiotics worked slowly and because of that I ended up having to go to a nursing/rehab facility for continued IV treatments. I was admitted at night to the facility and by the time I got settled in it was after midnight. So I didn't get to meet anyone at that time. But at 8 am the next morning I was assaulted by a myriad of people, nurses, doctors, cna's, administrators, therapists. All the information overloaded my mind but the one thing that struck home and hit me squarely between the eyes was what the physical therapist said. She told me that she was sorry but I was never going to walk again. Now, as you can imagine this was my fear from the beginning.
That night as I lay in my bed and continued worrying. I decided to pray instead of letting my mind run away with me. The head can only take so much information and process it, the shoulders can only stand so much weight before you feel like the world was resting on them. The weight was overwhelming I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same, that I was stuck and I would never be able to move again, both figuratively and literally. So I did the only thing I knew what to do, I turned to God in prayer. I prayed continuously through the night, and when the sun broached the horizon and sunrise started. A peace descended upon me, it was like something I never felt before, and I had the calm assurance that if I did all I could on my own, I would be rewarded and I would get my legs back. So when therapy came in to start my rehab, I diligently did as I was told. Then that afternoon I started going back to the gym, this was a routine that I established. I would drag myself up on the balance bars, and I would shuffle along. I literally taught myself to walk again. I prayed diligently and had the calm reassurance that I was going to be healed.
It took me 3 weeks to start walking with a 2 wheeled walker and 3 to 4 weeks later I had graduated to the 4 wheeled walker. and just 2 weeks after that I graduated to a cane. I used that for 2 weeks before I had a fall in the parking lot and they put me back to the 4 wheel walker. But when I was finally released from the home 18 weeks later. I went home using only the cane. I continued to pray and do the exercises that I was taught in the home. I am now off of any type of walking assistance, and I have stopped taking the pain medication. I do go back there to visit my friends and staff members that work at the home every Sunday. this past Sunday my friend Jonathan and I went back to the home and every one there was amazed at the progress I have made. My back is straight, and my posture is good, and they keep telling me that I am looking so good. I am pleased and excited by the progress I have made, but I am not surprised because I knew in my heart all those months ago that I was going to be healed and I was.
See, don't let your worry over life add weight to your shoulders, because if you keep worrying the weight will pile up and before you know it you won't be able to move. See worrying is never an answer, it will lock you into place. You can't get past it and it weighs you down and make it hard to think.
What am I trying to tell you? I am telling you that if you go from worrier to warrior your life is going to be so much better. You will also find that by leaving your problems and concerns at the feet of Jesus you are no longer weighed down by all those heavy thoughts and worries.
Practice praying daily, give all your concerns, problems and desires over to the Lord and you will begin to experience a brighter countenance and life seems to be easier to get through. I challenge you to stop being a worrier and become a pray warrior and you will see changes in your life and miracles all around you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I really didn't have too much time to dwell on the pain, because during this same time period, Alicia, Lonnie, Kim, and others kept making random appearances at my apartment and so many things were going to hell in a hand basket and I just couldn't get the situation under control. It was during this time that I ended up getting arrested 3 times in just a months period. I was also told by my landlord that I had to move at the beginning of July. I was running out of time and with my back hurting so badly, I couldn't do much. For the first 2 weeks, I ended up laying around in bed, and as time started closing in on me. I began to worry so much that I became afraid. My whole world was crashing down around my ears. Because of the friends of Kim I ended up being robbed and lost everything important I owned.
Because of my back pain, and the constant visits to the emergency room. My dad and step mother allowed me to come back to live at their house. I was only there about 2 weeks when I had an MRI which was the very beginning of a long and painful journey. The morning of the MRI it took me almost 30 minutes to get out of bed. When I finally got out to the living room, my father noticed that something was wrong and asked what the matter was. I told him that my back hurt so bad that I wasn't sure I could drive to the appointment. When I got to the imaging center it was all I could do to get in the door and walk up to the desk. The receptionist noticed how I was walking and rushed to get me a wheel chair. I even ran into two close friends while I was there and was in so much pain that I couldn't really even talk to them to let them know what was going on.
Time clicked by so slowly, and my mind was running through all these different scenarios. I was worrying and worrying the longer it took the more heavy the weight on my shoulders became. Long story short I was wheeled into the MRI room, the tech put me on the table, the machine was made only one pass when the tech came back and helped me up saying that the radiologist needed to talk to me. I was wheeled in to the guys office and he promptly asked me how I got to the imaging center. I told him that I drove, and he asked me if there was someone that could come and pick up my car and get me to the hospital ASAP. The image that he showed me had an infection centered in the thoracic spine, it appeared to be through the center of my spine and right into my spinal column. I was told that the infection was so severe and was strangling my spinal cord and that if I didn't get treated immediately I could become paralyzed for life.
I stayed in the hospital for 14 days, and given IV antibiotics, it is here where I learned that I needed to be a warrior and not a worrier. See I was freaked out because once I got to the hospital, my legs gave out and I had to have my dad get a wheel chair and for the next 2 months, I couldn't get them to move at all. The antibiotics worked slowly and because of that I ended up having to go to a nursing/rehab facility for continued IV treatments. I was admitted at night to the facility and by the time I got settled in it was after midnight. So I didn't get to meet anyone at that time. But at 8 am the next morning I was assaulted by a myriad of people, nurses, doctors, cna's, administrators, therapists. All the information overloaded my mind but the one thing that struck home and hit me squarely between the eyes was what the physical therapist said. She told me that she was sorry but I was never going to walk again. Now, as you can imagine this was my fear from the beginning.
That night as I lay in my bed and continued worrying. I decided to pray instead of letting my mind run away with me. The head can only take so much information and process it, the shoulders can only stand so much weight before you feel like the world was resting on them. The weight was overwhelming I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same, that I was stuck and I would never be able to move again, both figuratively and literally. So I did the only thing I knew what to do, I turned to God in prayer. I prayed continuously through the night, and when the sun broached the horizon and sunrise started. A peace descended upon me, it was like something I never felt before, and I had the calm assurance that if I did all I could on my own, I would be rewarded and I would get my legs back. So when therapy came in to start my rehab, I diligently did as I was told. Then that afternoon I started going back to the gym, this was a routine that I established. I would drag myself up on the balance bars, and I would shuffle along. I literally taught myself to walk again. I prayed diligently and had the calm reassurance that I was going to be healed.
It took me 3 weeks to start walking with a 2 wheeled walker and 3 to 4 weeks later I had graduated to the 4 wheeled walker. and just 2 weeks after that I graduated to a cane. I used that for 2 weeks before I had a fall in the parking lot and they put me back to the 4 wheel walker. But when I was finally released from the home 18 weeks later. I went home using only the cane. I continued to pray and do the exercises that I was taught in the home. I am now off of any type of walking assistance, and I have stopped taking the pain medication. I do go back there to visit my friends and staff members that work at the home every Sunday. this past Sunday my friend Jonathan and I went back to the home and every one there was amazed at the progress I have made. My back is straight, and my posture is good, and they keep telling me that I am looking so good. I am pleased and excited by the progress I have made, but I am not surprised because I knew in my heart all those months ago that I was going to be healed and I was.
See, don't let your worry over life add weight to your shoulders, because if you keep worrying the weight will pile up and before you know it you won't be able to move. See worrying is never an answer, it will lock you into place. You can't get past it and it weighs you down and make it hard to think.
What am I trying to tell you? I am telling you that if you go from worrier to warrior your life is going to be so much better. You will also find that by leaving your problems and concerns at the feet of Jesus you are no longer weighed down by all those heavy thoughts and worries.
Practice praying daily, give all your concerns, problems and desires over to the Lord and you will begin to experience a brighter countenance and life seems to be easier to get through. I challenge you to stop being a worrier and become a pray warrior and you will see changes in your life and miracles all around you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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