Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Death comes for us all

Back in April my father found out that he had late stages of lung cancer.  By the time that they found the large mass in his lungs he had already developed 2 matastasized tumors in his brain.  Within a few days of finding out that he had cancer he was in the operating room and had brain surgery.  He recovered from that rather quickly and seemed to be getting stronger.  However, when I went to visit him in June he had started treatments and was feeling sick all the time.  I must admit that my troubles in Daytona with my car, and then my wallet and checking account plus being in and out of the hospital all the time didn't help his situation.  At one point he told me that I made his life miserable, why couldn't I just leave him alone and not make his death miserable.  I was hurt because my father is my go to person whenever I am having problems and he has been there for me every single time that I needed his advice or rescuing.  My step mother talk to me one afternoon after him and I had a fight and told me that the medication and the steroids they had my father on was making him angry and crouchy and that he didn't mean to hurt me.

However, in a way I think some of what he said to me that day was true.  Over the past 6 years my dad has had to rescue me or bail me out at least 15 or 20 times.  I got stranded in Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale and struggled since my break up with Kerry.  My dad was there for all the problems that Dominic and I had and all the fighting that him and I went through. Dad had to come and get me several times when the fighting became physical.  My dad has been my rock and sounding board since I got sick in 2005 when he came to live with me and Joe and take care of me after my first couple of bowel resections.  It is hard to think of the man who has been there for me so much in the past to be down and out like his right now.  As a matter of fact his birthday is just a few days away and he is going to be 73 years old.  It makes me feel bad that the last summer of his life I made him miserable and had him worried about me and my welfare when his own health was hanging in the balance.  But the job of a parent doesn't ever end no matter what is happening.  I am just learning this now.

I hope that my dad gets better and is able to read this post because I want to tell him that I am very appreciative of all the things that he has done for me and that I am thankful for all the times he has been there for me and that I am going to be lost without him.  He is right that I never grew up and I don't know how to live on my own.  I don't know how to deal with people and that I am better off on my own.  Because I really don't have a clue as to what I am doing.  I am very intelligent but I don't have any common sense at all.  I was lucky when I met Joe Royer and I left Orlando and I went to Atlanta.  He was the stabalizing force in my life, he had the practical knowledge  on how to survive, and since him and I separated I have been drifting and struggling with people, emotions, and drugs.  I found my refuge in my high and I used it to escape the reality of my situation and my disability.

I have some growing up to do.  I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net.  He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.

Maybe I took that too much for granted, and didn't tell my dad as much as I needed to how much he meant to me.  Now that I am sitting here this morning I am really scared and wondering what I am going to do if he dies. I know that sounds silly and selfish and pretty childish, but honestly I have never truly been on my own,  all I had to do is pick up the phone and call my dad.  Last night when I was told that my dad was in the hospital again, and that he wasn't doing all that well, I got to thinking about how much he means to me and what it would be like to loose him.

Apparently, according to my step mother he has contracted a virus and hasn't been eating or drinking and has not been in his right mind in a couple of days.  He apparently doesn't always know who is around or where he is at.  He mistook my brother for my step mothers son, who is in Ohio and not close by at this time.  This makes me think back to the last few weeks of my friend Demario's life and how right before we got him to the hospital he was experiencing a similar episode and didn't remember leaving one hospital and being admitted at a different one.   My friend never recovered after that and was gone in less than 10 days.  I am hoping that this isn't the case with my father but I don't really know what to expect because this is my first time when I was extremely close with death.  When my grandparents died I wasn't anywhere near them and couldn't tell you how they acted.  But, I was there for Demario's passing and I know the struggles that he went through and I am seeing a similar pattern with my father.

I know that each of us has and allotted time upon the Earth and when it is our time it is our time to go.  That there is nothing that is going to change that fact, but there is still the hope that more time will be granted if asked for.  The mind and the body are incredible pieces of machinery that have the ability to adapt and overcome to a myriad of illnesses and disabilities.  The human brain can cause miracles to happen and heal wounds by sheer though power alone.  But I also believe in the healing power of prayer.  I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that He is the ultimate physician and can heal the body totally and instantly. 

I would ask all of you to keep my family, especially my father Bryan Zepp Sr. in your prayers.  Because I don't think that it is quite his time to go just yet.  I would ask for prayers of total and complete recovery and the lessening of pain so that he is comfortable.

Please do this for me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The Easter Weekend Holiday's

For those of us with Faith the Easter Holiday's are a time of reflection and rejoicing because from tragedy and betrayal comes rebirth, redemption and grace.  But more on that in a bit, it isn't surprising that Easter falls during the lasts weeks of March or the first Weeks of April depending on the leap year and how the calendar falls.  Before Jesus trial, execution and entombment and subsequent resurrection the earlier religions and faith's held spring rituals to usher in the new spring growth and the fertility of the land.  This custom varied in times and dates as well sometimes it would be held in April or as late as May 1.  It was also the annual time of year that the populace would come together in towns, villages, and cities. As the warm spring air denoted the earths return from it's dormant period and prior to the new years crops being sown in the fields, celebrations of life and birth could be found everywhere.  Spring is when these ancestors of ours would become betrothed and marriages performed and before the fall a new crop of children would be born.  Thus, was the world in ancient times.  Today life moves at a much faster pace, and people are waiting later in years to get married and some decide not to get tied down like that.  Putting their careers before family, and lets face it in today's world divorces are happening much faster than marriages are these days.

Yes, the earth goes through a long dormant season and when spring burst forth in the land and new growth can be seen and warmer temperatures arrive, we all feel more invigorated and full of life.  We do our spring cleaning and we get out in the warmer temperatures and explore the wonders of nature.  It is a busy time for farmers, because now work has to begin in earnest if they hope to get their crops planted in time. Fields must be plowed and soil fertilized and livestock must be moved to better pastures. It is also the time when we see life coming back to the land, birds returning from their southern homes and wondrous new birth of our woodland friends.  Every year the earth goes through this ritual and the endless circle of life continues.  In our modern world though it is almost as if the world awakes from a deep grey slumber that has held the land in hibernation and our moods in a dismal space that is hard for us to break through.  Of course we have just come through our Holiday traditions that ultimately begin with Halloween and end with the celebration of New Year, but from that time on we look forward to the first rays of spring with the hope that we will make it through the rest of the hard winter and get to once again have time off.   See much of the world has to toil and labor daily with only brief breaks in that endless drone of days in our established and practiced holidays.  So from Jan 1 to end of March there are no breaks for those in school or who work for a living. But as spring burst forth on the world hope looks forward to the time when we can once again have another break and spend it however we see fit, this has become known as Spring Break.  Which is celebrated across our nation and vary from school to school and also varies as to if you are in grade school or college.

Spring break has become a national tradition here in the U.S. and has made places famous for the millions of teenagers and students that flock to these destinations to celebrate the beginning of spring.  Places like Daytona Beach, South Beach, Pensacola, Miami and of course all over the west coast and far and wide in between.  Spring break has become major business and has brought billions of tourist dollars into communities all across the nation.  But to my dismay our religious holiday has once again become corrupted by the populace and has turned into a moneymaking and money driven beast and it just increases year after year.  Just look at how fast stores put up Christmas decorations now a days.  Industry and merchandising use these holiday's to pressure us into parting with that hard earned dollar that we struggle so hard to make and work all those extra hours to try and save.  Yet, before we know it everything saved has been spent on and around the holidays.  So what am I wanting you to take away from this entry is that the holiday is that the holiday isn't for going out and partying with your friends and spending all the money you have been working so hard to save.  It is supposed to be a religious holiday a time of reflection and give us time to break from our mundane worlds and for that brief period of time share reverence and fellowship with members of our own faith.

Do you know what the Easter Holiday is supposed to represent?  It represents just how fickle the people of the world can really become and how fear and prejudice can turn an adoring populace into a blood thirsty mob.  I am pretty sure most of you have heard the Story of Jesus Christ and His life on Earth.  But, I would like to remind you that our Lord and Savior just one week prior rode into Jerusalem to the cheering of the crowd and the laying of palm branches before his entry.  We call this Palm Sunday and it was foretold by the prophet Zechariah of Jesus's entry into Jerusalem.  Remember that even as He rode in to a cheering crowd Jesus was already aware of His fate and continued on into the city and did His Father's work.  Thus, on that following Thursday Jesus has His last supper with his disciples and then awaits in the Garden of Gethsemane for arrest.  From the wee hours of morning on Friday Jesus was to go through 6 trials and be tortured and ridiculed throughout by the very people He had come to witness to and turn them from their ways.  But, no the religious leaders and the very members of the church ultimately passed the buck and asked that the Roman Government do away with this heretic and blasphemer as they called him.  Remember when Jesus gave the sermon on Mount Olives He called the leaders of the church hypocrites and vipers, These men would not forget the slights they had heard from Jesus and so they beseeched Pilate the Roman governor to try Him.  Yet Pontius Pilate could find no guilt in Jesus and wanted to return free Him.  The religious leaders call together were called the Sanhedrin would not accept Pilate's rule and forced him to take Jesus to trial before Herod Antipas, but because Jesus refused to talk Herod return Him to Pilate.  Jesus by this time had been beaten repeated, abused in so many ways physically and mentally as well as emotionally, but Pilate repeatedly tried to return Jesus to the people having Him beaten to beyond recognition to try and satisfy the selfish whims of the church leaders.  They would not hear of it and so Jesus was forced to carry His own cross, wear a crown of thorns pushed down on his head and beaten all the way from Jerusalem to the hill of Galgatha, where even as the nails were driven into His hands and feet the soldiers gambled for His clothes, cursed Him and spit upon Him and still as He was raised up on that cross between 2 condemned thieves, He cried out "Forgive them for they know not what they do".  Even then Jesus still looked upon those who just a week before praised Him and rejoiced in His coming to Jerusalem, with compassion and understanding.

Before the execution was complete more atrocities were to befall Jesus, His side would be ruptured by a legionnaires spear, shouts and insults would be hurled and He was forced to drink vinegar and hyssop which would only increase His thirst and agony as He hung there.  Jesus' trial, torture and execution were drawn out from Midnight Thursday night/Friday morning to Noon.  The next 3 hours the populace stood around and watched as He hung there on that cross, and it was right before 3pm that Friday afternoon that Jesus lifted up His head and cried out in such anguish and pain "My God, My God why hast thou forsaken Me" and in those final moments the cloudy afternoon sky parted and a ray of golden sunlight broke through the heavens and shone upon His face and a white dove was seen to alight from a bush startling several of the roman guards and it flew directly over the 3 crosses that stood upon Galgotha's Hill.

Why have I shared this with you?  Because I want to turn you away from the Easter Bunny, the baskets, the coloring of eggs and remind you of the true miracles that took place over this weekend and what it signifies to me and my faith.  Jesus knew His fate, the time and hour of His death before ever entering into the city.  He would preach to those that gathered around him on Tuesday morning on the steps of the temple and tell that He would be arrested and put to death.  Yet, through it all He stayed and did what was expected and required of Him.  Men and women have always feared death since the time of Adam and Eve, for knowing that death was to come to them was one of the many truths learned when they ate of the forbidden fruit, yet He remarkably accepted His fate, and only once did He ask the Father to change it and that was while He waited and prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.  This is very significant to our walk of Faith for we should be fearless because through the sacrifice of Jesus, death has no hold over us any longer.  What else would I like you to know?  That He forgave those that persecuted, tried Him, condemned Him, and eventually killed Him.  But He didn't stop there, He heard the confession of the thief that hung next to Him and forgave Him too.  "He spoke that I will go there and prepare a place for you also".  So compassion, forgiveness and sorrow are traits that we as Christians should strive to emulate and share to the world around us.  But even more than that I would like to explain to you my belief as to why Jesus cried out in those final heartrending moments of His life "Why has thou forsaken Me?" In that instant Jesus felt the Father's gaze turn away from Him and He was troubled.  But in that moment it was not weakness, it was not fear, it was the acceptance of sin into Him and upon Him, for He was blameless and pure.  He took on our sins, now and forever, He became our sacrifice, He became the bridged that crossed the divide that resulted from Original Sin.  God could not look upon sin and took His eyes off of Jesus so that the promise of sacrifice could be fulfilled and the gap forever bridged.  Jesus became the intercessor.

But here are some other interesting things that you may not know that is significant about the Crucifixion of Jesus.  That golden beam of light that broke through the clouds and the white dove are both significant as well as the loud clap of thunder that took place as Jesus took His last breath.  The three things taken together are very significant indeed.  They mark the promise that God made to Abraham.  They also mark the end of being saved by Law.  Up until that point man was still under the law and yearly sacrifices had to be made and the high priest was the only one that could intercede on our behalf before God.  For you see the temple veil was torn in two, this veil separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the temple and it was where God Himself resided on Earth in the temple.  Only the high priest was allowed to enter.  Thus it marked the old testament and as such we are no longer bound by the law, for we are no saved by grace.  Jesus' teachings if heeded give us all the necessary ingredients we need to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  He only gave some very simple to follow rules and guidelines to follow.  So why is it so hard for today's Christians to get it together?  Why is there so much separation and strife within the Church?

In all of the teachings of Jesus, He stressed love for fellow man and to be accepting and forgiving.  Now many Bible scholar's believe that there are quite a few commandments given by Jesus throughout His ministry.  Yet, some of what these scholars deem as commandments are actually Jesus laying out the foundations for a whole new church that was not based on the original ten commandments that are in the Old Testament.  When Jesus was asked which is the greatest commandment Jesus replied " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second Is love your neighbor as yourself." Jesus stated that "all the law and the prophets hand on these two commandments." This can be found in Matthew 22:36-40). I hope you realize that this is my interpretation and I did not write the versus directly as they appear in the Bible.  I also find that the Golden Rule pretty much summarized the statements above.   For those of you that don't know the golden rule it can be found in Matthew 7:12 and it goes like this "Do unto others what you would have then do unto you",again not the entire verse, but the meaning has not been altered.  Jesus said "children obey your parents so that your days upon the earth may be many" and "go out and be fishers of men." and  "I am the way the truth and the light no man may come before the Father without me."  To me this sums up what is now expected of us.  Again, Bible scholars list quite a few more, but they are self explanatory and show a stark difference from the original ten commandments.

Jesus wants us to love and honor one another, to build up and not tear down each other.  Our reward is not here on earth but when we get to heaven.  Life is our proving ground and as a believer we should strive daily to live our life as Jesus did.  None of us are perfect and we must pick ourselves up and rebuke sin and our wicked self daily.

Easter to me is about remembering the sacrifice of our Savior, and it is a celebration of His life, His teaching and His death and Resurrection.  It shouldn't be another merchant corrupted holiday that is carefully crafted with bunnies, baskets and eggs.  We should remember that through Grace we are saved and sanctified with salvation.  For without the blood shed by Jesus on that cross the great divide that existed between God and man caused by eating of the forbidden fruit wouldn't have been bridged.

This is the time for us to reach out to our fellow man with a hand of love and compassion, to give of ourselves and turn away from vengence.  We are to hate the sin and love the person, our greatest gift we can give to those around us is compassion and love.  How much better a place the world would be if it was full of love.  That we could break the bigotry and hate that is so prevalent today.  Beware of any church or organizations that teach divisiveness and intolerance.  Who ostracize others because the are different in some way or don't believe the way they do for this is not the teachings of my Lord and Savior.

So as I leave you tonight I would like to remind you that each and everyone of us was created in the image of God, but we are human and we make mistakes.  How we handle and come back from those mistakes makes us unique and stronger.  Each of us has within us the capacity to do great good or great evil and the line between the two is very thin indeed.  So, appreciate those that love and care for you, pray for those that don't and be ever vigilant.  Love often and completely, you will be amazed at how much love you get in return.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unexpected news and uncertain revelations

Well 2016 is well underway and we have all made it through the first month and a half and seem to still be chugging along.  For now that is!  Just when you think things can't get any worse something creeps up from the shadows of the past and hits you squarely in the head. 

The past 5 years haven't been very kind to me or my health and I am always surprised when I think I have something licked and it turns out to just be a recurring item in my bizarre and strange world.  I have known for a very long time that my body has a different notion of living than my mind does.  My mind doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with me physically and my body seems to take pleasure in revealing at the most in appropriate times that the mind is lying to me.  It seems almost like a dream now that I suffered from near catastrophic paralysis just 2 years ago when my spinal column was invaded by a nasty bacterial infection.  Oh I made it through that lovely situation by living in a nursing home/rehabilitation center, months and months of therapy and intravenous drugs and slowly I recovered.  Not fully, my strength never seemed to come back from that and the pain in my spine has never really gone away.

But nothing had prepared me for the news that I received this morning.  Nothing could have at all!!

For those of you my faithful friends and followers that have been going through this journey with me you will see that no matter how many things change in ones life, there are just as many things that remain the same.  When I got sick with my back trouble in 2014 my mother was going through something very similar.  I got better, I can still walk and use my legs and my spine seems to be fusing at right locations to eventually lead to a full recovery.  My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky her doctors operated where my did not.  My mother never walked out of that hospital, she was irreversibly paralyzed from the waist down.  Damage to her spinal cord has made it impossible for her to walk and has dramatically changed her life.  Tuesday she was supposed to go to the doctors about pain that she had been experiencing in her feet and she was hospitalized all over again.  I found out this morning when I called her that she is also suffering acute renal failure, something that I am all too familiar with.  Since I suffer from it constantly since my initial colon surgery in 2005.  Yet, this was not the only thing that my mother was told she was told that the infection in her back is back and that she also has a lump in her breast which appears to be at this point cancerous.  Now, please understand that I have known that my mother was experiencing problems that I could not even begin to imagine, but somehow I have always thought that my parents were invincible and that I would be the one that would leave the earth before them.  Now, I am not so sure of that anymore and I am scared and worried about my mother.

But that wasn't all the news that I received today that has given me pause and the need to reflect.  See the results of my test have come back as well and what I thought was just a benign growth on my right kidney has turned out to be a whole other creature indeed.   This morning I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to have surgery that the tumor has grown vastly in just a few months time and now cancer threatens my entire core being once again.  Funny just a few short months ago I was given a totally different outlook on my health and wellbeing by the very same doctors that are now telling me that my situation has turned from serious to grave. 

Funny using that word to describe a state for which I have been preparing for since 1991.  Since June of 1991 I have known that my health had taken a turn for the serious and that I would forever after have a complicated life ahead of me.  But the Grace of God has seen fit to give me a pass for a very long time and has allowed me to share my life with many people that would have never had the chance to get to know me had I died all those years ago.  Life hasn't been easy and at times I have feared for it, yet somehow I knew that my time and usefulness hadn't come to end.  I felt that there were many things that I needed to do and say before I could finish what I had started here on Earth with my birth.  So when the doctors told me this news that they were going to have to go in and despite them repeatedly telling me that I would not endure any more surgeries that my body had  gone through enough and simply couldn't recover.  What am I supposed to think and do now? 

I do not fear death as I thought I might, I just don't feel like dying, I am selfish I guess because I want to live.  I want to accomplish a few more things before I have to say good bye to this world.  However, with the doctors not giving me much hope on this front anymore, I am just wondering how I am going to tell all the people that I love and who love me that I may not be seeing them anymore.  I have lost so many people along the way to this point in my life.  People who I felt deserved a more full and better life than I did. Yet, for whatever reason God chose them to come home and left me here to carry on.  I knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right and that I probably wouldn't make it to my 50th birthday, but I thought as we all do that I would have more time.  I am not afraid for myself, because I know that I am about to start a new adventure in a totally different way, I am scared for you those I leave behind in this world that has gone crazy, where total direction and certainty of our entire nation is left in the balance of chance and fate.  This election year is shaping up in the most uncanny way, people don't recall history very well at all...Barry Goldwater entered into an election that was rudimentary and fundamentally the same as what is happening now. Untraconservative and Socialist squaring off.  Both sides of the parties one so far right and the other so far left are going to cause such an unstable rift in our political landscape that our Nation will not recover fully from it this time. 

The world is changing, governments have come and gone and yet the same old bigotry, hate and intolerance survives in the world.  I have tried my entire life to bring hope and joy to those around me.  I was successful a great many of those times, but there have been other times when I have failed utterly and miserably. I take what I have and what I have been given and I give without failing to those I see in need.  My help is never enough but it is always on time.  I am leaving this world without a legacy, I don't know who will be crazy enough to give as much as I do, so I don't know what is going to happen from here forward.  All I know is that I still love each and everyone of you, there are others with my family name that will carry forth that love after I am gone.  They don't know you, and some have never met me, I am sure they all know of me and who I am, but I have lived a life of my own choosing and I know that my death is going to come before any of us are prepared.  I just know that time is running out and the my race is no longer important. 

So in a flash just like that branch of the family tree that I am apart of seems to be about to disappear shortly and irrevocably forever. 

To the rest of the Zepp clan, I stand in awe and amazement of where and how we all started and I am thankful that I was apart of your family.  Many of you have accomplished some very amazing things and have overcome so much hardship and turmoil to get to where you are today.  But you all have become successful in all your endeavors and have created something that is going to last way after you are gone.  I unfortunately was not so lucky, there are many that will remember me in there hearts and minds fondly.  But my choices and path have left no one and nothing.  I have no children, I only have you my family and I hope that you remember me as I was a kind and gentle person who loved to help others.

I may not make it through the surgery and the treatments that are coming faster than a speeding bullet.  My mother might not make it through her treatments and surgeries that are heading her way. So we are preparing you, making sure you are ready to LIVE!  Because life is a banquet and there are too many people starving out there.  So be true to yourselves and love each other and go forth into the world and make a difference. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.


Uncle B

Approach of Spring

You can smell in on the night breeze that wafts through the window, the warm days and cool nights as winter looses it hold on the world.  It is on those warm night breezes that hope springs forth like the new growth of the plants outside.

Spring is a time of hope, a time of renewal and joy.  It is when nature comes back to life after it's winter hibernation. You can smell fresh smell of growth as the breeze filters through the screen door and out my window.

As the winter snows recede and new life breaks through the fertile earth, the daffodils grow lean and tall and as their blossom open to the new days sun.  It is the symbol that spring has finally come.  I remember watching as the stalks of the daffodils broke through the earth and i knew that winter was finally over.

It doesn't matter whether the groundhog had seen it's shadow or not, time waits for no one and the earth rotation continues ever onward.  The long winter nights are over and the days start to stretch ever longer.

Take hope in the new spring as it grows all around you. For it is easy to believe that everything is good and right in the world as the new foliage spring forth from the ground.  Feel that warm spring breeze as if flies through your window, smell the flowers as the new leaves sprout on trees.

It is the rain of spring that brings new life and the fertile earth gives new birth.  Enjoy the weather for the calm days of spring bring in the harsh warmth of summer.  Rain is scarce during the summer but so abundant in the spring.

I believe in the spring comes hope and joy.  I hope that you find it this season.  Because before you know it the world will have rotated and summer will be upon you.  Take with you the hope that spring gives you and use it throughout the year. Beware that the heat of summer will try and drain the hope you have gained.  You can weather this just as autumn like spring it  has cool nights and warm days.

Autumn and Spring complete a cycle of life, birth, growth and aging and death.  The seasons represent our lives and how we should live.  Remember that winter won't last forever and spring will come again.  It is the hope that new life will be born in the world that keeps you alive and well throughout the fall and winter.  Summer is the harsh reality of it all the stark sun drying the earth and withering the growth, it is during this time that growth is completed.

Take hope in the spring and make it last the whole year through.  Remember the warm days and cool nights because they come twice a year for you to signal the change of life to death.  Warm days in the spring and cool nights they come again in the autumn those same warm days and cool nights.

Remember I believe in you always.  Take heart in the new birth and growth that spring is about to bring you.  Learn to live your life in the moment and enjoy the seasons as they come.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B.

What is the Christmas Spirit all about?

After watching the Librarians tonight on TNT I began to really understand the power and spirit of Christmas.  Saint Nick's power comes from all around the world. He collects that magical moments and love that are displayed throughout the whole year and at Christmas time when the spirit is the lowest and despair creeps in Saint Nick travels the world and delivers love, hope, faith and anything else that is needed.

Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth.  It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live.  All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.

People don't understand me.  They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope.  I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could.  I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible.  I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.

No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can.  It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed.  I have  been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth.  I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go.  My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on.   I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth.  Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready.  I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.

He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be.  He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life.  My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew.  His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son.  He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life.  He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him.  He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.

So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas?  Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick?  No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given.  Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him.  God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers.  I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week.  I am saddened by the loss.  Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.

So why am I talking about this?  What does it have to do with Christmas spirit.  Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again.  I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit.  You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind.  I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them.  There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.

As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday.  I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.

Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them.  We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes.  Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them.  Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above.  Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better.  Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better.  I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships.  But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards.  The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.

Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself.  You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.

Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him.  He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was.  He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches.  None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.

My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone.  I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.

Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is.  Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it.  You become part of it by being invited in  by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family.  Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both.  My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part.  He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own.  My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is.  It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world.  A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil.  We are balancers of the between the two.  A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus.  We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.

So there you have it.

What is the Christmas Spirit all about?  Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year.  Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.

As always you hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

HIV Facts...Educate yourself!

Some of you may know that I am working with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau in Daytona Beach, Florida.  Trying to raise the awareness of HIV/AIDS within the community and trying to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that surround the disease by working on a play to be performed on World's AIDS Day.

And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:

1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons.  Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out.  Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3.  3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it.  Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick.  Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease.  Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected.  Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant.  Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive.  Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely.  You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not.  It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill.  There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die.  There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200.  Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status.  There are others like you, who are going through what you have.  We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you.  www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18.  Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union.  The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.

There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint.  As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play.  This play is about these things and so much more.  I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions.  It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease.  I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner.  No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it.  We are still human after all.  I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.

There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down.  They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts.  Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect.  Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other.  We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one.  We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced.  United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard.  We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows.  We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims.  And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it.  You  are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light!  Remember that  EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

HIV + Not a death Sentence anymore

As I sat down to write about this subject this morning I thought about coming at this from a historical viewpoint and going over the treatments of the 80's and 90's to that of today. But the fact of the matter is in hindsight it is unfair to compare those times to now, because back in the early 80's doctor's didn't know or understand what they were fighting and trying to treat.  As time went on and a greater understanding was reached by the healthcare industry and researchers new and better treatments were created.  My own doctor confided in me just last week that the only regret he has in his entire medical profession was how he treated early patients with HIV and AIDS because he said he probably killed more than he helped.  It is a sobering thought to look back at those times and wonder if the treatments killed my friends or the actual disease itself.  I have been luckier than most I got infected later in my life, I was already in my late 30's (37 years old in fact) when I was diagnosed.  I lost some very close friends who were in their 20's back in the 80's and 90's.  It seemed to me that I found out someone was diagnosed and the next thing I knew I was going to a funeral a couple months later.  The disease sure took it toll and I think a lot of us can relate to the horror and death that our friends and loved ones went through.

Now, almost 20 years has passed since the disease was thrust upon the world by the acknowledgement of Ronald Reagan that his long time friend Rock Hudson had the disease and money was funneled into research and development for a cure, the newly formed CDC at the head trying to get a handle on the breadth and scope of this thing that until this time was know as the "Gay Cancer" or some other nomenclature that made it out to seem like this disease was solely the responsibility of the gay community. However, it didn't take very long for the disease to propagate and migrate to any sexual oriented group.  It was no longer contained in the Gay World, it became the world's problem.  But I digress here with that brief history side note.  What I am trying to say is this that with the changing times and the mounting numbers of infection, new treatments and research were fueled and encouraged at every level of our society.  Though some of the fervor has died down a little there is still a driving need for new research and treatment options still today.  Pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new drugs every couple of months.

Research has made it possible for an individual who has been infected with HIV to live a relatively normal life for up to 30 maybe even 40 years now versus the standard 10 years that was given to newly infected people in the late 90's.  But here is where I want to encourage you if you are infected to become proactive in your healthcare and treatment options, talk to your infectious disease doctors get involved with your treatment, learn the side affects of your cocktail.  Be active in your participation of your health because you know your body better than anyone else and will know when something isn't going right.  By staying up on you health and being active in your treatment plan you and your doctor can work together to put together an appropriate regimen of exercise and nutrition that will help keep you undetectable and your t-cells high.

Any indication that you might display needs to be taken to your doctor immediately.  I will give you a good example of why in a minute. I would also like to put out a word of warning for those of you who like to party and experiment and utilize recreation drugs.  Be aware that your recreational drug use might hide or mask some of the counter indications you might be having to your retro-viral treatments. In other words you may not even realize you are having problems until it is too late.  Here is my story, as you are well aware if you have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I had a long term addiction to Methamphetamine, which started way before I was ever diagnosed with HIV.  I originally started smoking it and within a few years had moved to shooting it, which believe it or not is how I got HIV, my syringe got mixed up with my ex and he was positive and I wasn't and there it was I got infected. Now, because of my addiction and the amount of meth I was doing, I wasn't aware that the Atripla the drug I was given to fight my HIV was doing anything to my body.  See meth has a tendency to dehydrate you and that of course affects the kidneys well Atripla also is hard on the kidneys and the doctors should be monitoring your kidney functions while you are taking it.  The problem came into play when I didn't admit to my doctor about my recreational drug use, the kidney levels were always off when I was tested.  It wasn't until I got kidney stones that I realized that I had problems.  Now another word of caution, when kidney stones form for a person using meth they are almost indestructible have a smooth edge and a jagged edge and can easily get stuck inside.  So be careful when mixing your recreational drugs with your HIV cocktail because you could end up with some really adverse conditions.  Also be aware of the side effects of your HIV regimen because they might affect certain organs like the kidney's.  Or you might be like me and be allergic to a component of your drugs and not even be aware of it. See my viral load was undetectable and my t-cell count was in the 600's so I had no idea with my meth usage that I was allergic to the ritonivir component which is the base of Atripla and my kidney function was being compromised by the actual drug and the recreational usage as well.  I went through catastrophic renal failure several times and let me tell you that it is painful.

My point in all of this is if you are an active participant in your treatment and are working with your doctors and get tested regularly you will notice any changes in your health and behavior before they can do permanent damage to your system if something goes wrong.  In October of 2011 when the kidney stones formed I was totally unaware of my allergy to the ritonivir, I was taken off my Atripla regimen right away to stop the progression of renal disease, however, I continued to party and do the meth, so my kidney function never stabilized.  When I came to Florida and I had given up the meth and wanted to go back on the antivirals and the retroviral medication for my HIV, the VA doctors looked at the kidney function and decided to test and see which components were making my kidneys worse.  That is when it was discovered that I was allergic to the base component of Atripla, so I was taken off any type of medication that might have ritonivir in it.  Happily I can report that my kidney functions have returned to normal and I am a-okay! My viral load is back to undetectable and my t-cell count is climbing back up.  I am back in the 390's where I was down to 289 at one point.

It has been 6 years with HIV and not one HIV related illness.  I have been told that under the current regimen that I am following that I can expect at least 30 more years of continued good health. I do take a daily multivitamin and I eat right.  I get myself tested every 90 days to see what my viral load and t-cell count is, and I am an active participant in my healthcare plan.  I talk to my doctors and my infectious disease doctors regularly and I keep them all apprised of what the other is doing.  I let each one know if there are any changes in my medicines or medical history that they need to be aware of.  I also have the advantage that I was diagnosed with Large Cell Lymphoma back in 1992 and became very intimate with all the details of my body. So when I got sick with HIV I was already familiar with my body and knew when things felt awry.

I would encourage you to speak candidly with your doctors let them know what you are doing even the stuff you do for recreation purposes, it just might make the difference in your health.   So again, be proactive in your treatment plan and healthcare and let the doctors know when something isn't feeling right it might give them the edge they need to fix a problem before it becomes worse. Don't be afraid to speak up if you think something isn't going right with you.  Stay on top of your situation, get tested regularly and be the main part of your healthcare plan.  Because it is you who will make the difference in the long run. Remember even though you have been diagnosed with HIV you still have a long life ahead of you and make every effort to get every year out of it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person

I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration.  I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers.  I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about.  Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.

The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things.  It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.

I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth.  The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room.  I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor.  Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools.  As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured.  I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe.  I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition.  I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans.  Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.

My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid.  Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you.  I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do.  But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story.  By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive.  End of act one!

The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects.  The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having.  But that wasn't the end of it.  While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch.  Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind.  They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best.  Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye.  So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything.  A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house.  I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time.  By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses.  Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds.  It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin.  Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today.  But I got super hearing out of the deal.  End of act two!

I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle.  I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated.  However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area.  I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better.  It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body.  Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well.  In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic.  I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out.  Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again.  When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one.  So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying.  Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered.  I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.

I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die.  After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you.  I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things.  Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe.  I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.

I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness.  That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.

Let me know what you think.  This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It's time again for another health update.

Figure since I have been keeping you all apprised to my health situation I should probably give you an update.  I had a busy week health wise and it is time to share with you what is going on.  On the surface it may seem like it isn't a big change, but to me I believe significant and wonderful things are happening.

On Tuesday, I had the staples removed from my head, if you remember correctly they were put there because of the accident that I was involved in on July 3rd.  Contrary to popular belief, they tell me I still have a brain, that nothing had seeped out of the wound.  Though I still experience the dizziness and becoming light headed at times, they say that the damage from the concussion is fading some.  Leg still in a cast, though they tell me that I should be able to have that removed around the 8th of August, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing.  Approximately 15 days away or so.  Which means that I have made it half-way through this ordeal.

Now, in my last update I filled you in on the fact that Viral load and CD4 count were looking good, and that I was having problems with sutures rupturing through my incision line.  Well, that is still the case, I have had 2 more bust through and the edges trimmed off of all of them.  The problem is that apparently the sutures are put in place to hold my insides in.  It takes the muscles and tissues in the abdomen quite awhile to nit back together, and the sutures were placed inside to ensure that everything healed properly.  Here is the problem, my body is rejecting the sutures and they are all busting through. So it looks like on September 11, 2012 I will have to undergo some kind of procedure to remove the sutures from my body.  Because until they are removed the wound will not heal properly.  As of today, the wound has gotten reinfected and it looks like I am going to have go back on antibiotics to fight it.

Like I told you before everything else is starting to function and act right under the new treatments and that is awesome news!  THANK YOU FOR THE PRAYER!  It is because of the constant prayer and support that each and everyone of you give to me that has allowed me to progress this far.  The words of encouragement and emails, and well wishes, that you each send and put on Facebook help lighten my load and brighten my days.  So thank you again for that.

Finally life is getting back to normal for me and it honestly looks like this crisis might actually pass.  With my kidney functions returning to more normal state, it looks like the predictions of me passing away before Christmas are not going to happen.  I am glad for that, and it opens my life up to a whole new realm of possibilities and thoughts for the future.  I hope that you will continue to stay in touch with me and keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  As I have learned, health can be a funny and tricky thing that changes it's mind on you in the blink of an eye.  So healthy today, turn for the worst tomorrow, however, I rather hope for the best and plan for the rest as it happens.  I don't put too much stock in worrying about the future anymore.

It is unfortunate that the first round of HIV meds caused irreparable damage to my kidneys and liver, they will never function at 100 percent again, but I can live with 95 and 80 percent.  I have been told that people survive on much worse percentages.  I know some that have only one kidney and are doing fine.

If you have been keeping up with my blog and reading my entries you can see that Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) is everything when battling a terminal or multiple terminal illness's.  I plan on working on further entries on what I have learned and experienced as I have traveled the road of illness and how it has helped transform the way that I look at things.  I hope you will keep on reading.

Over the next couple of days, I will be editing my previous entries and adding labels and search descriptions to each entry. This may take away from my writing a new entry every day for this week, but I honestly think it will help other people find what I am writing and discover the lessons I am talking about.

So I hope you will bear with me as I make these updates, and know that I will still be posting around the editing.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Trying to make sense a senseless tragedy

As the aftermath of the senseless shooting in Colorado settles down the media and the rest of us reel trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy.  We look for answers to the question, "What could have motivated and educated and smart, young man to do such a thing?"  I don't think we are ever going to figure out fully what motivated him or even drove this person do this.  I am not sure even he knows, one station said that James Holmes claimed he was the Joker when he was being arrested.

It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered.  But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.

I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series.  If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise.  Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all.  The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie.  These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.

It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred.  I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these.  They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all.  All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information.  As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act.  I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen.  He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.

This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them.  According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his.  More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode.  Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.

I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless.  We may never know the real truth behind this.  What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery.  Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying?  There is no sense in the taking a life.  There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.

In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind.  It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.

My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital.  I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this.  I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.

There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado.  Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING.  No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done.  I am sorry to say!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B