Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unexpected news and uncertain revelations

Well 2016 is well underway and we have all made it through the first month and a half and seem to still be chugging along.  For now that is!  Just when you think things can't get any worse something creeps up from the shadows of the past and hits you squarely in the head. 

The past 5 years haven't been very kind to me or my health and I am always surprised when I think I have something licked and it turns out to just be a recurring item in my bizarre and strange world.  I have known for a very long time that my body has a different notion of living than my mind does.  My mind doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with me physically and my body seems to take pleasure in revealing at the most in appropriate times that the mind is lying to me.  It seems almost like a dream now that I suffered from near catastrophic paralysis just 2 years ago when my spinal column was invaded by a nasty bacterial infection.  Oh I made it through that lovely situation by living in a nursing home/rehabilitation center, months and months of therapy and intravenous drugs and slowly I recovered.  Not fully, my strength never seemed to come back from that and the pain in my spine has never really gone away.

But nothing had prepared me for the news that I received this morning.  Nothing could have at all!!

For those of you my faithful friends and followers that have been going through this journey with me you will see that no matter how many things change in ones life, there are just as many things that remain the same.  When I got sick with my back trouble in 2014 my mother was going through something very similar.  I got better, I can still walk and use my legs and my spine seems to be fusing at right locations to eventually lead to a full recovery.  My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky her doctors operated where my did not.  My mother never walked out of that hospital, she was irreversibly paralyzed from the waist down.  Damage to her spinal cord has made it impossible for her to walk and has dramatically changed her life.  Tuesday she was supposed to go to the doctors about pain that she had been experiencing in her feet and she was hospitalized all over again.  I found out this morning when I called her that she is also suffering acute renal failure, something that I am all too familiar with.  Since I suffer from it constantly since my initial colon surgery in 2005.  Yet, this was not the only thing that my mother was told she was told that the infection in her back is back and that she also has a lump in her breast which appears to be at this point cancerous.  Now, please understand that I have known that my mother was experiencing problems that I could not even begin to imagine, but somehow I have always thought that my parents were invincible and that I would be the one that would leave the earth before them.  Now, I am not so sure of that anymore and I am scared and worried about my mother.

But that wasn't all the news that I received today that has given me pause and the need to reflect.  See the results of my test have come back as well and what I thought was just a benign growth on my right kidney has turned out to be a whole other creature indeed.   This morning I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to have surgery that the tumor has grown vastly in just a few months time and now cancer threatens my entire core being once again.  Funny just a few short months ago I was given a totally different outlook on my health and wellbeing by the very same doctors that are now telling me that my situation has turned from serious to grave. 

Funny using that word to describe a state for which I have been preparing for since 1991.  Since June of 1991 I have known that my health had taken a turn for the serious and that I would forever after have a complicated life ahead of me.  But the Grace of God has seen fit to give me a pass for a very long time and has allowed me to share my life with many people that would have never had the chance to get to know me had I died all those years ago.  Life hasn't been easy and at times I have feared for it, yet somehow I knew that my time and usefulness hadn't come to end.  I felt that there were many things that I needed to do and say before I could finish what I had started here on Earth with my birth.  So when the doctors told me this news that they were going to have to go in and despite them repeatedly telling me that I would not endure any more surgeries that my body had  gone through enough and simply couldn't recover.  What am I supposed to think and do now? 

I do not fear death as I thought I might, I just don't feel like dying, I am selfish I guess because I want to live.  I want to accomplish a few more things before I have to say good bye to this world.  However, with the doctors not giving me much hope on this front anymore, I am just wondering how I am going to tell all the people that I love and who love me that I may not be seeing them anymore.  I have lost so many people along the way to this point in my life.  People who I felt deserved a more full and better life than I did. Yet, for whatever reason God chose them to come home and left me here to carry on.  I knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right and that I probably wouldn't make it to my 50th birthday, but I thought as we all do that I would have more time.  I am not afraid for myself, because I know that I am about to start a new adventure in a totally different way, I am scared for you those I leave behind in this world that has gone crazy, where total direction and certainty of our entire nation is left in the balance of chance and fate.  This election year is shaping up in the most uncanny way, people don't recall history very well at all...Barry Goldwater entered into an election that was rudimentary and fundamentally the same as what is happening now. Untraconservative and Socialist squaring off.  Both sides of the parties one so far right and the other so far left are going to cause such an unstable rift in our political landscape that our Nation will not recover fully from it this time. 

The world is changing, governments have come and gone and yet the same old bigotry, hate and intolerance survives in the world.  I have tried my entire life to bring hope and joy to those around me.  I was successful a great many of those times, but there have been other times when I have failed utterly and miserably. I take what I have and what I have been given and I give without failing to those I see in need.  My help is never enough but it is always on time.  I am leaving this world without a legacy, I don't know who will be crazy enough to give as much as I do, so I don't know what is going to happen from here forward.  All I know is that I still love each and everyone of you, there are others with my family name that will carry forth that love after I am gone.  They don't know you, and some have never met me, I am sure they all know of me and who I am, but I have lived a life of my own choosing and I know that my death is going to come before any of us are prepared.  I just know that time is running out and the my race is no longer important. 

So in a flash just like that branch of the family tree that I am apart of seems to be about to disappear shortly and irrevocably forever. 

To the rest of the Zepp clan, I stand in awe and amazement of where and how we all started and I am thankful that I was apart of your family.  Many of you have accomplished some very amazing things and have overcome so much hardship and turmoil to get to where you are today.  But you all have become successful in all your endeavors and have created something that is going to last way after you are gone.  I unfortunately was not so lucky, there are many that will remember me in there hearts and minds fondly.  But my choices and path have left no one and nothing.  I have no children, I only have you my family and I hope that you remember me as I was a kind and gentle person who loved to help others.

I may not make it through the surgery and the treatments that are coming faster than a speeding bullet.  My mother might not make it through her treatments and surgeries that are heading her way. So we are preparing you, making sure you are ready to LIVE!  Because life is a banquet and there are too many people starving out there.  So be true to yourselves and love each other and go forth into the world and make a difference. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.


Uncle B

Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal

A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex.  Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off.  However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply.  Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement.  Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.

When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable.  Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections.  See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you.  In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life.  Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."

Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her.  But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public.  It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her.  Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over.  At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.

Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power.  At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain.  Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you.  Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor.  Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well.  Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.

Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love.  As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them.  However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.

If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them.  If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore.  This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal.  Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case.  But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.

Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity.  You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again.  When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly  to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner.  Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive.  Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare.  If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse.  No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated.  They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.

I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him.  Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them.  So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on.  However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been.  Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up.  But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was.  It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was.  Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion.  I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.

Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex.  Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go.  I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby.  See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns.  Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.

So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed.  Which means shoot up meth.  I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug.  However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person.  So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question.  Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days.  Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis.  It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles.  Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth.  But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.

Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that.  But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were.  I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me.  I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense.  I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.

I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too.  Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said.  All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one.  Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past.  Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening.  Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used.  Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person

I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration.  I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers.  I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about.  Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.

The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things.  It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.

I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth.  The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room.  I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor.  Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools.  As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured.  I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe.  I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition.  I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans.  Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.

My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid.  Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you.  I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do.  But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story.  By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive.  End of act one!

The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects.  The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having.  But that wasn't the end of it.  While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch.  Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind.  They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best.  Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye.  So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything.  A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house.  I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time.  By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses.  Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds.  It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin.  Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today.  But I got super hearing out of the deal.  End of act two!

I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle.  I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated.  However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area.  I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better.  It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body.  Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well.  In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic.  I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out.  Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again.  When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one.  So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying.  Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered.  I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.

I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die.  After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you.  I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things.  Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe.  I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.

I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness.  That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.

Let me know what you think.  This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

So What? Who Cares? Get over it and move on!

It occurred to me yesterday that sometimes people hold a grudge, when an issue comes up they just cannot seem to let it go.  I am serious, why hold a grudge?  What does it accomplish?  It keeps you angry and focused on whatever you perceive is an injury, insult or problem. Hasn't it ever occurred to you that you cannot change the past, what is done, is done! No matter how you try or how much you wish you could change it, the fact still remains: it happened and it is over, nothing you say or do can change that fact.  No amount of rationalization, kidding yourself or even trying to convince others, of your point of view, the situation is going to remain the same.  If you run around looking for someone to blame, what are you accomplishing?  What you are actually doing is rubbing salt into an open wound, you are stirring up conflict and trouble and keeping the issue alive.

In simple wound care if you don't cleanse the wound and let it begin the healing process do you know what happens?  I will tell you, an infection, and what happens when you get an infection, the whole body becomes endangered of becoming ill and possibly dying. The same is true with all other types of wounds.  If you don't let them be, and you keep picking at them, they are going to get infected.  When that happens the whole body becomes ill and in danger of weakening.  A grudge, or perceived wrong, hurt of injury is also a type of wound.  This is a wound to the spirit, and if you don't let it be, if you keep it alive, talking about it, moping, whining or even holding a grudge doesn't let the injury heal.  Infection is inevitable and will surely invade every aspect of your life.  Anger and hatred is the infection I am talking about in this case.  Every relationship and aspect of your life will be colored and affected by this hatred and anger.

As I said earlier, there is no amount of talking or wheedling that is going to change the past, once something happens, it is done and cannot be undone.  What I would like you to try and remember is that everybody makes mistakes, there is none of us perfect, and if we are expecting perfection we are going to be disappointed time after time and are not going to have any type of satisfying relationship.  You cannot change the past, but you can and should learn from your mistakes.  In my experience the only way we can truly learn and make changes in our life is to make mistakes and feel pain.  Now I know life isn't fair and no one ever promised you a bed of roses.  But what I do know is that we have many opportunities to turn things around.  To make amends for the wrongs that we have done, and a lovely thing called karma evens the playing field for everyone.  Have you ever hear the saying "What comes around, goes around"?  Well that is karma in a nutshell, I find it best that if you live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" it helps eliminate the pain and retribution of karma.

One thing you might not understand is that anger is an emotion that is more detrimental to you than any other.  Anger can keep you locked into a rut and a pattern of behavior that is self-defeating. But if you keep in mind that each of us is only human, and that we all make mistakes, and learn to forgive the endless cycle can be broken.  In my Facebook post I stated that to "err is human, to forgive divine and we all could stand to be a little more divine."  I meant that, a grudge or anger at someone that has hurt you accomplishes nothing, if you forgive them and move on you are helping yourself and you are grounding out the negative emotion of anger and hatred and moving forward.  Now, when talking about forgiving someone means just that, you let go of the hurt and you move forward, I am not saying forget, my advice here is to never forget, but to move on, trust is a commodity that can and must be earned.

I know when you are hurt and betrayed by someone that the trust you once had with that person is shredded and torn.  If you always keep in mind what they had done in the past and be wary of it, you can ensure that it doesn't happen again.  I honestly don't expect you to blindly trust that person again, and I would encourage you to make them work to earn your trust again.  I promise you it is not going to be easy at all and depending upon the hurt you have sustained may take a lot of time till you are ready to do this.  But the old adage "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is telling you exactly how to handle this type of hurt.  I honestly know how hard it is to do what I am telling you to do.  I have been there and in this type of situation many times.  However, I am the type of person who gets mad for about 15 minutes of time, and when I have something to say I say it and get it out.  Once it is out I am fine and I return to business as normal like nothing ever happened.  Many people don't understand this, they cannot understand how or why I can do this.  But no matter what happens I cannot stay angry for any length of time, and I have a very unique way of always looking for the good in every person and forgiving the bad, because I honestly believe that all people are basically good and they only do what they have too to survive.  If I get hurt it is only because I was in the way of their plans or a hindrance of some kind.

No matter how much you care, or want to help others, you cannot help everyone, and you have to be careful because there are those out there that are going to use your kindness as a weakness and use it against you.  There are those out there who are going to use you and get all they can out of you all the while proclaiming they are your friends.  This is what I call a frienemy, they can be anyone, and they are around you always.  You can find out more about them in my blog entry about frienemies...

So, here is the bottom line of what I am trying to tell you. Live your life for yourself. Make sure you do for you.  Because you are the only one in most occasions that has your own best interests at heart. You may be lucky and find some one you can be with that shares common goals and dreams with you. Someone that is going to watch your back and protect you.  However, in all honesty that is very rare, and super hard to find.  If you do find someone like that I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life.  Life is short, we all make mistakes, we are all prey to human nature and we will all follow what we know.  Live each day like it is your last one. Take each moment and wring the most out of it, because we are not guaranteed another day.  Celebrate living and life, and thank God each morning that you are alive to face another day.  Keep in mind that each day is a new day, a clean slate if you will, there are no mistakes in it. So go out and screw it up and have some fun doing. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it and move on.  When things get tough, turn that frown upside down and find something in it that is funny.  Joke about the heavy things and make them lite, and be awed by the beauty and wonder that surrounds you.  But most of all shrug off everything and keep on saying, "SO WHAT, WHO CARES? GET OVER IT!" Trust me when you can do that you will have a fruitful and happy existence, and the little things won't matter so much, and you will find that the large things start to take care of themselves, and all it takes is just a little attitude adjustment and the ability to smile.  Because if you don't let things get to you, you won't be weighed down with them.

So please take my advice, it is freely given, and something so very easy to accomplish.  Life is way to short to carry around grudges, resentments and hatred.  There is so much out there to love and behold and do.  So if you live every moment like it is your last one, and you practice my motto, you will see that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things, because. SHIT JUST HAPPENS, and I honestly believe that Whatever is supposed to be will always find a way to happen.  It is all up to us and how we look at it.  Remember, we are not judge by how we fall or fail, but by how we handle that setback and defeat with grace, talent and ingenuity.  Trust me the world will be a much better place and easier to live in if you can just remember my simple little phrase, So what, who cares? Get over it and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B