But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose. Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs. Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available. Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing. Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high. The number needs to be zero!
By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft. I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix. So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over. Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself. I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life. Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic. Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home. He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona. Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story. What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean. The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again. Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time. But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of. You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last. God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.
In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire. Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will. Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet. The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you. Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll. Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off. Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00. I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city. Now let's talk about the reason why he left. Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too. I ended up doing them with him and relapsed. He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street. It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us. Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else. I was determined and shut myself totally down. I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance. It just wasn't in the cards.
Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date. Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good. I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better. What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.
I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner. But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car. I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left. But it only made my life so much worse. I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen. My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th. Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents. I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.
Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me. This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him. But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best. In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds. I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital. I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again. I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here. Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.
This led to major problems. Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave. It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is. I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th. He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.
I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them. Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it. That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.
But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world. Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next. Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay. But, in all cases they were wrong. My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage. Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine. So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing. But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.
To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago. But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands. You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time. You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them. We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come. But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again. Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one. Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life. So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.
To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:
Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!
Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!
Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.
We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!
-B
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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