A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex. Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off. However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply. Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement. Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label serious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serious. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Coming out a tale of fear...
Something has been telling me that this is a topic I need to talk about. One of the things I pride myself on is the ability to take complex concepts and write about them in such a way that anyone who reads about it can understand the topics. I try hard to break down these topics to make sure that the most people can benefit by what I write about. For the LGBT community the largest fear is often the fear of being found out about their sexual preference by friends and family. Coming out is probably a young gay persons biggest nightmare and fear that they have to face. The art of deception is practiced and they become experts at hiding their true selves from family, friends, co-workers and peers.
In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone. In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing. It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with. Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.
It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves. Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them. They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings. Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians. It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay. As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual. Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual. Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.
Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread. Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something. At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase. Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event. When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week. At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage.
I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out. There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends. The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around. You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you. You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you. Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you. I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are. There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.
Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone. These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way. But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be. The first response is going to be denial. For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt. The second phase is Anger, now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward. Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation. Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure. The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this. Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of. But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down. The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it. But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through. Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.
You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is. Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are. Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy. I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you. Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety. Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you. Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last. Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to. When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's. Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world. Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day. I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.
I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it. Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling. Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often. Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight". As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick. Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above. Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.
I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry. This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition. I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future. It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition. What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.
Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way. In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life. The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda. So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway. Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of. Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth. Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.
I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up. These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are. They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life. Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone. But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved. Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.
Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out. It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret. I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else. Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents. Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents. Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother. However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie. I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well. How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life. I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.
For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could. Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it. Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become. Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this. I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died. It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went. My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him. My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick." Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly. She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.
Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true. Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back. Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children. My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy. Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes. His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years. He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him. We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family. But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged. Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.
I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him. He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay. He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past. He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone. To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love. When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around. It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting. But it can drive you to be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it. When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever. As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts. I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay. Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners. Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't. If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.
No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out. Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.
It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you. Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved. But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move. Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it. There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process. Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone. In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing. It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with. Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.
It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves. Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them. They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings. Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians. It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay. As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual. Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual. Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.
Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread. Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something. At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase. Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event. When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week. At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage.
I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out. There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends. The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around. You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you. You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you. Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you. I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are. There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.
Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone. These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way. But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be. The first response is going to be denial. For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt. The second phase is Anger, now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward. Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation. Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure. The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this. Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of. But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down. The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it. But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through. Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.
You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is. Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are. Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy. I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you. Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety. Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you. Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last. Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to. When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's. Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world. Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day. I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.
I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it. Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling. Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often. Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight". As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick. Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above. Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.
I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry. This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition. I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future. It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition. What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.
Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way. In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life. The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda. So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway. Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of. Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth. Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.
I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up. These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are. They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life. Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone. But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved. Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.
Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out. It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret. I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else. Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents. Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents. Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother. However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie. I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well. How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life. I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.
For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could. Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it. Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become. Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this. I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died. It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went. My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him. My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick." Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly. She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.
Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true. Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back. Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children. My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy. Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes. His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years. He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him. We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family. But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged. Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.
I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him. He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay. He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past. He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone. To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love. When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around. It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting. But it can drive you to be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it. When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever. As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts. I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay. Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners. Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't. If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.
No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out. Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.
It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you. Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved. But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move. Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it. There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process. Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
You ever have a day where you just feel blue and lonely?
Even though I was busy most of the day with doctor's appointments. I still felt the pang of loneliness and boredom set in. Honestly, this is a very mild form of depression and one that used to come over me a lot. But not so much anymore. Today was just one of those days when everyone and everything just seemed to remind me how alone I am. Everywhere I turned I saw people hurrying about their business, smiling and sharing time with others.
Since I have been in Florida, I have done nothing really except hang with my father and step mother. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy that for the most part. It is just hard being here with no one to talk to, confide in or do things with. I have tried going to the movies by myself and it just isn't the same thing. I grew up in Orlando, went to high school in Winter Park and have some friends over there, but here in Ormond, I don't know a soul. When I lived in Atlanta I was always on the go, hardly ever sat at home, and here I am sitting in the same room all by myself for the last 7 months. Kind of monotonous if you ask me.
I had been hoping against hope that Bobby Ohara was going to come down, and now even that is looking more and more like a pipe dream. My only outlet to the real world is via my cell phone or the computer. I hangout on Facebook and Myspace and twitter this is my window into reality. I write in my blog and I am constantly watching movies. I am hoping that as soon as I get this cast off of my leg I will find something to do, because a person could really go crazy just sitting in their room all day, every day.
I do miss my friend and my life that I had in Atlanta, but I know that it wasn't good for me, and I was on a self-defeatist path as well as on a path of self-destruction while I was there. Honestly, I know I am not going back there, but I have left behind so many interesting people and friends that it is so hard not to wonder what they are doing and wishing I was with them. I honestly wish I could find someone to hang out with and chill here. I think that would make staying here that much more bearable and get me out of the house and the rut that I am in. But for now, I await for the phone to ring and hear from my friends on Google talk, voice or email or sit and follow everyone's adventures on Facebook.
I know that this is only temporary and when my leg and body have healed enough I will start going out and doing things. Might even make some friends here that will make life a little more bearable. So keep this in mind when you are running around and doing stuff. That I am sitting here waiting to hear from you and share in your excitement and your adventures.
Life is never what it supposed to be, and we all long for differences and changes to take place to rock our world and make it more exciting. But trust me that the grass is not always greener on the other side and if it is. It is probably too good to be true and you just have to wait for the other shoe. I hope you all will take the time to join my blog site and write to me. Give me something to enjoy and write about.
I miss you all and hope to hear from you guys soon.
All my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Since I have been in Florida, I have done nothing really except hang with my father and step mother. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy that for the most part. It is just hard being here with no one to talk to, confide in or do things with. I have tried going to the movies by myself and it just isn't the same thing. I grew up in Orlando, went to high school in Winter Park and have some friends over there, but here in Ormond, I don't know a soul. When I lived in Atlanta I was always on the go, hardly ever sat at home, and here I am sitting in the same room all by myself for the last 7 months. Kind of monotonous if you ask me.
I had been hoping against hope that Bobby Ohara was going to come down, and now even that is looking more and more like a pipe dream. My only outlet to the real world is via my cell phone or the computer. I hangout on Facebook and Myspace and twitter this is my window into reality. I write in my blog and I am constantly watching movies. I am hoping that as soon as I get this cast off of my leg I will find something to do, because a person could really go crazy just sitting in their room all day, every day.
I do miss my friend and my life that I had in Atlanta, but I know that it wasn't good for me, and I was on a self-defeatist path as well as on a path of self-destruction while I was there. Honestly, I know I am not going back there, but I have left behind so many interesting people and friends that it is so hard not to wonder what they are doing and wishing I was with them. I honestly wish I could find someone to hang out with and chill here. I think that would make staying here that much more bearable and get me out of the house and the rut that I am in. But for now, I await for the phone to ring and hear from my friends on Google talk, voice or email or sit and follow everyone's adventures on Facebook.
I know that this is only temporary and when my leg and body have healed enough I will start going out and doing things. Might even make some friends here that will make life a little more bearable. So keep this in mind when you are running around and doing stuff. That I am sitting here waiting to hear from you and share in your excitement and your adventures.
Life is never what it supposed to be, and we all long for differences and changes to take place to rock our world and make it more exciting. But trust me that the grass is not always greener on the other side and if it is. It is probably too good to be true and you just have to wait for the other shoe. I hope you all will take the time to join my blog site and write to me. Give me something to enjoy and write about.
I miss you all and hope to hear from you guys soon.
All my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Trying to make sense a senseless tragedy
As the aftermath of the senseless shooting in Colorado settles down the media and the rest of us reel trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy. We look for answers to the question, "What could have motivated and educated and smart, young man to do such a thing?" I don't think we are ever going to figure out fully what motivated him or even drove this person do this. I am not sure even he knows, one station said that James Holmes claimed he was the Joker when he was being arrested.
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, July 12, 2012
So What? Who Cares? Get over it and move on!
It occurred to me yesterday that sometimes people hold a grudge, when an issue comes up they just cannot seem to let it go. I am serious, why hold a grudge? What does it accomplish? It keeps you angry and focused on whatever you perceive is an injury, insult or problem. Hasn't it ever occurred to you that you cannot change the past, what is done, is done! No matter how you try or how much you wish you could change it, the fact still remains: it happened and it is over, nothing you say or do can change that fact. No amount of rationalization, kidding yourself or even trying to convince others, of your point of view, the situation is going to remain the same. If you run around looking for someone to blame, what are you accomplishing? What you are actually doing is rubbing salt into an open wound, you are stirring up conflict and trouble and keeping the issue alive.
In simple wound care if you don't cleanse the wound and let it begin the healing process do you know what happens? I will tell you, an infection, and what happens when you get an infection, the whole body becomes endangered of becoming ill and possibly dying. The same is true with all other types of wounds. If you don't let them be, and you keep picking at them, they are going to get infected. When that happens the whole body becomes ill and in danger of weakening. A grudge, or perceived wrong, hurt of injury is also a type of wound. This is a wound to the spirit, and if you don't let it be, if you keep it alive, talking about it, moping, whining or even holding a grudge doesn't let the injury heal. Infection is inevitable and will surely invade every aspect of your life. Anger and hatred is the infection I am talking about in this case. Every relationship and aspect of your life will be colored and affected by this hatred and anger.
As I said earlier, there is no amount of talking or wheedling that is going to change the past, once something happens, it is done and cannot be undone. What I would like you to try and remember is that everybody makes mistakes, there is none of us perfect, and if we are expecting perfection we are going to be disappointed time after time and are not going to have any type of satisfying relationship. You cannot change the past, but you can and should learn from your mistakes. In my experience the only way we can truly learn and make changes in our life is to make mistakes and feel pain. Now I know life isn't fair and no one ever promised you a bed of roses. But what I do know is that we have many opportunities to turn things around. To make amends for the wrongs that we have done, and a lovely thing called karma evens the playing field for everyone. Have you ever hear the saying "What comes around, goes around"? Well that is karma in a nutshell, I find it best that if you live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" it helps eliminate the pain and retribution of karma.
One thing you might not understand is that anger is an emotion that is more detrimental to you than any other. Anger can keep you locked into a rut and a pattern of behavior that is self-defeating. But if you keep in mind that each of us is only human, and that we all make mistakes, and learn to forgive the endless cycle can be broken. In my Facebook post I stated that to "err is human, to forgive divine and we all could stand to be a little more divine." I meant that, a grudge or anger at someone that has hurt you accomplishes nothing, if you forgive them and move on you are helping yourself and you are grounding out the negative emotion of anger and hatred and moving forward. Now, when talking about forgiving someone means just that, you let go of the hurt and you move forward, I am not saying forget, my advice here is to never forget, but to move on, trust is a commodity that can and must be earned.
I know when you are hurt and betrayed by someone that the trust you once had with that person is shredded and torn. If you always keep in mind what they had done in the past and be wary of it, you can ensure that it doesn't happen again. I honestly don't expect you to blindly trust that person again, and I would encourage you to make them work to earn your trust again. I promise you it is not going to be easy at all and depending upon the hurt you have sustained may take a lot of time till you are ready to do this. But the old adage "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is telling you exactly how to handle this type of hurt. I honestly know how hard it is to do what I am telling you to do. I have been there and in this type of situation many times. However, I am the type of person who gets mad for about 15 minutes of time, and when I have something to say I say it and get it out. Once it is out I am fine and I return to business as normal like nothing ever happened. Many people don't understand this, they cannot understand how or why I can do this. But no matter what happens I cannot stay angry for any length of time, and I have a very unique way of always looking for the good in every person and forgiving the bad, because I honestly believe that all people are basically good and they only do what they have too to survive. If I get hurt it is only because I was in the way of their plans or a hindrance of some kind.
No matter how much you care, or want to help others, you cannot help everyone, and you have to be careful because there are those out there that are going to use your kindness as a weakness and use it against you. There are those out there who are going to use you and get all they can out of you all the while proclaiming they are your friends. This is what I call a frienemy, they can be anyone, and they are around you always. You can find out more about them in my blog entry about frienemies...
So, here is the bottom line of what I am trying to tell you. Live your life for yourself. Make sure you do for you. Because you are the only one in most occasions that has your own best interests at heart. You may be lucky and find some one you can be with that shares common goals and dreams with you. Someone that is going to watch your back and protect you. However, in all honesty that is very rare, and super hard to find. If you do find someone like that I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life. Life is short, we all make mistakes, we are all prey to human nature and we will all follow what we know. Live each day like it is your last one. Take each moment and wring the most out of it, because we are not guaranteed another day. Celebrate living and life, and thank God each morning that you are alive to face another day. Keep in mind that each day is a new day, a clean slate if you will, there are no mistakes in it. So go out and screw it up and have some fun doing. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. When things get tough, turn that frown upside down and find something in it that is funny. Joke about the heavy things and make them lite, and be awed by the beauty and wonder that surrounds you. But most of all shrug off everything and keep on saying, "SO WHAT, WHO CARES? GET OVER IT!" Trust me when you can do that you will have a fruitful and happy existence, and the little things won't matter so much, and you will find that the large things start to take care of themselves, and all it takes is just a little attitude adjustment and the ability to smile. Because if you don't let things get to you, you won't be weighed down with them.
So please take my advice, it is freely given, and something so very easy to accomplish. Life is way to short to carry around grudges, resentments and hatred. There is so much out there to love and behold and do. So if you live every moment like it is your last one, and you practice my motto, you will see that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things, because. SHIT JUST HAPPENS, and I honestly believe that Whatever is supposed to be will always find a way to happen. It is all up to us and how we look at it. Remember, we are not judge by how we fall or fail, but by how we handle that setback and defeat with grace, talent and ingenuity. Trust me the world will be a much better place and easier to live in if you can just remember my simple little phrase, So what, who cares? Get over it and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
In simple wound care if you don't cleanse the wound and let it begin the healing process do you know what happens? I will tell you, an infection, and what happens when you get an infection, the whole body becomes endangered of becoming ill and possibly dying. The same is true with all other types of wounds. If you don't let them be, and you keep picking at them, they are going to get infected. When that happens the whole body becomes ill and in danger of weakening. A grudge, or perceived wrong, hurt of injury is also a type of wound. This is a wound to the spirit, and if you don't let it be, if you keep it alive, talking about it, moping, whining or even holding a grudge doesn't let the injury heal. Infection is inevitable and will surely invade every aspect of your life. Anger and hatred is the infection I am talking about in this case. Every relationship and aspect of your life will be colored and affected by this hatred and anger.
As I said earlier, there is no amount of talking or wheedling that is going to change the past, once something happens, it is done and cannot be undone. What I would like you to try and remember is that everybody makes mistakes, there is none of us perfect, and if we are expecting perfection we are going to be disappointed time after time and are not going to have any type of satisfying relationship. You cannot change the past, but you can and should learn from your mistakes. In my experience the only way we can truly learn and make changes in our life is to make mistakes and feel pain. Now I know life isn't fair and no one ever promised you a bed of roses. But what I do know is that we have many opportunities to turn things around. To make amends for the wrongs that we have done, and a lovely thing called karma evens the playing field for everyone. Have you ever hear the saying "What comes around, goes around"? Well that is karma in a nutshell, I find it best that if you live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" it helps eliminate the pain and retribution of karma.
One thing you might not understand is that anger is an emotion that is more detrimental to you than any other. Anger can keep you locked into a rut and a pattern of behavior that is self-defeating. But if you keep in mind that each of us is only human, and that we all make mistakes, and learn to forgive the endless cycle can be broken. In my Facebook post I stated that to "err is human, to forgive divine and we all could stand to be a little more divine." I meant that, a grudge or anger at someone that has hurt you accomplishes nothing, if you forgive them and move on you are helping yourself and you are grounding out the negative emotion of anger and hatred and moving forward. Now, when talking about forgiving someone means just that, you let go of the hurt and you move forward, I am not saying forget, my advice here is to never forget, but to move on, trust is a commodity that can and must be earned.
I know when you are hurt and betrayed by someone that the trust you once had with that person is shredded and torn. If you always keep in mind what they had done in the past and be wary of it, you can ensure that it doesn't happen again. I honestly don't expect you to blindly trust that person again, and I would encourage you to make them work to earn your trust again. I promise you it is not going to be easy at all and depending upon the hurt you have sustained may take a lot of time till you are ready to do this. But the old adage "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is telling you exactly how to handle this type of hurt. I honestly know how hard it is to do what I am telling you to do. I have been there and in this type of situation many times. However, I am the type of person who gets mad for about 15 minutes of time, and when I have something to say I say it and get it out. Once it is out I am fine and I return to business as normal like nothing ever happened. Many people don't understand this, they cannot understand how or why I can do this. But no matter what happens I cannot stay angry for any length of time, and I have a very unique way of always looking for the good in every person and forgiving the bad, because I honestly believe that all people are basically good and they only do what they have too to survive. If I get hurt it is only because I was in the way of their plans or a hindrance of some kind.
No matter how much you care, or want to help others, you cannot help everyone, and you have to be careful because there are those out there that are going to use your kindness as a weakness and use it against you. There are those out there who are going to use you and get all they can out of you all the while proclaiming they are your friends. This is what I call a frienemy, they can be anyone, and they are around you always. You can find out more about them in my blog entry about frienemies...
So, here is the bottom line of what I am trying to tell you. Live your life for yourself. Make sure you do for you. Because you are the only one in most occasions that has your own best interests at heart. You may be lucky and find some one you can be with that shares common goals and dreams with you. Someone that is going to watch your back and protect you. However, in all honesty that is very rare, and super hard to find. If you do find someone like that I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life. Life is short, we all make mistakes, we are all prey to human nature and we will all follow what we know. Live each day like it is your last one. Take each moment and wring the most out of it, because we are not guaranteed another day. Celebrate living and life, and thank God each morning that you are alive to face another day. Keep in mind that each day is a new day, a clean slate if you will, there are no mistakes in it. So go out and screw it up and have some fun doing. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. When things get tough, turn that frown upside down and find something in it that is funny. Joke about the heavy things and make them lite, and be awed by the beauty and wonder that surrounds you. But most of all shrug off everything and keep on saying, "SO WHAT, WHO CARES? GET OVER IT!" Trust me when you can do that you will have a fruitful and happy existence, and the little things won't matter so much, and you will find that the large things start to take care of themselves, and all it takes is just a little attitude adjustment and the ability to smile. Because if you don't let things get to you, you won't be weighed down with them.
So please take my advice, it is freely given, and something so very easy to accomplish. Life is way to short to carry around grudges, resentments and hatred. There is so much out there to love and behold and do. So if you live every moment like it is your last one, and you practice my motto, you will see that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things, because. SHIT JUST HAPPENS, and I honestly believe that Whatever is supposed to be will always find a way to happen. It is all up to us and how we look at it. Remember, we are not judge by how we fall or fail, but by how we handle that setback and defeat with grace, talent and ingenuity. Trust me the world will be a much better place and easier to live in if you can just remember my simple little phrase, So what, who cares? Get over it and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
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