Easier written

I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud.  Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world.  Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships.    Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with.  During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner.  More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done.  I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone. 

However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be.  This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down.  This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past.  Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person.  Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse.  I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.

With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again.  I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville.  That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out.  What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him.  I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him.  However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship,  I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once. 

Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.

With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him.  With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.

My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants.  It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.

By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

Another Sleepless night situation worse then ever

Last night was one of the worst nights for me.  Actually this month has really been bad all the way around.  I have someone in my house that is constantly destroying my things.  I thought by moving in a roommate the constant fighting would slow down and maybe even stop.  In actuality it just seems to have made things so much more complicated.  The frustrating part is that there is a part of me that cares about the person, but he doesn't have any respect for me or my things.  His habits make the situation that much worse.  He likes to pop xanax, but when he combines that with alcohol a fight ends up happening.

Tonight much to my distaste he was given alcohol and he was already under the influence of xanax.  Everything was fine till around 3:30 in the morning, I was watching a tv program, it was almost over.  He comes out of the bathroom and starts searching around for his weed.  He ended up kicking the coffee table and my marble morter and pistal fell on the floor and another piece chipped off.  All I said was please watch what your are doing and please don't stop breaking things.  This immediately started a fight and now the coffee table is totally destroyed along with many of my glass storage bowls that were sitting on the dining room table.

This arguement became physical and extremely violent, the new roommate was pulled into it and a heated exchange happened between the 3 of us.  The police ended up showing up when my roommate left and both me and the other person were talked to about the situation.  Because I care and don't like to see anyone put out on the street, but I told him he was going to have to leave.  That is when he told me that he wasn't going anywhere and that because he has been here longer than a month there is nothing I can do but go to the courthouse and start the eviction process.  Though tonight I learned something new, I could have had him arrested for the destruction of my property.  I did not press charges at the tiime and because he told the officers a completely different story and made it out that the fight was between him and my new roommate they wouldn't do even consider it a domestic dispute and take him out of my house.

My roommate came back about an hour later and told me that if I don't do something and have the other person removed from the house that he was going to move out.  Now, honestly I explained to him before he ever moved in that I was having these issues and the fights and needed his help in getting the other guy out.  Originally, I let the guy stay with me because the other people he was staying with were getting evicted and he didn't have anywhere to go.  I told him he could stay for a couple of weeks until he got himself onto his feet and could find somewhere else to go.  He refuses to leave, I was evicted from my last home because of him and me constantly fighting and I am very afraid that this is going to happen all over again.

I really wanted to help him, and feelings became involved and we started dating, but things have been on the steady decline since labor day when he destroyed some very expensive things which I am still currently paying for.  I told him tonight after everything calmed down that I still want him to move out.  I have never been good with confrontations and I don't like that the police had to become involved yet again. This time though I did have it thoroughly documented.  I have come as far as I can go.  Honestly he is the first person that I have tried to help that has totally and utterly failed in an epic way.  All I have ever asked for him to do was either get a job or go to school.  Do something to better himself and he has not made any effort to do any of these things. 

As hard as it will be, and no matter my personal feelings on this matter enough is enough.  I can't deal with living like this any longer.  He feels that he can talk to me and treat me any kind of way and I am just supposed to take it.  When I try to stand up for myself and my personal belongings he becomes irrate and out of control and ends up causing physical damage to property and personal possessions.  I am exhausted, I have had no sleep and I don't need this stress in my life at this point.  I have tried to reason with him. To talk to him about his attitude and anger problems, and instead of it getting better the situation has become unbearable.  So this morning I am faced with a series of choices and I am going to have to think about myself, I am going to have to be totally selfish, and I am going to have to give back a portion of what he gives to me.

I don't feel like I should have to do this but I have tried asking him to leave and I cannot get him to leave on his own accord.  My hands are tied and I honestly cannot afford to continue to replace the things that he breaks or the damage that he has done to the property that I am renting.  I am going to have to go to the courthouse this morning and I am going to have to file paperwork to start the eviction process and because of his violent and destructive behavior I feel that with my new cancer diagnosis I am going to have to get a restraining order issued against him.  Since he is not on the lease and because my health and wellbeing is at risk I am going to ask the judge to have him removed from my home since he cannot be within a certain distance of me.

I am torn up about this whole situation, and I really am not the kind of person that takes pleasure in doing any of these things, but I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home.  I know that I am not a strong person when it comes to things like this, but I have to cut the ties, I don't like being treated this way, and because he will not leave rationally I am left with very few choices at this point.

My friend that I had move in to help me with the bills shouldn't be the one to move out, when the other person does absolutely nothing to contribute to the paying of bills or expenses.

Wish me luck, I feel like such a terrible person, but I guess this too shall pass.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Acceptance starts at home

Over the past couple of days the topic of acceptance has been presenting itself to me over and over again.  First, in my relationship, then in my own personal life.  What I came up with after dealing with this issue for the past 3 days is that if you want to be able to accept another person, you have to be able to accept yourself.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin, if you ever want to be comfortable loving and accepting anyone else in your life.  Here is what I know, I am not comfortable with all the scars, the bags, and all the limitations that have happened with my body since I have gotten ill.  The truth of the matter is that I was even scared to tell my boyfriend of five years that with everything that my body has gone through, I may never be able to have sex again.  This was something that I was ashamed of, self-conscious of, and most importantly it was a shortcoming that I am very insecure about ever since my illness raised it's head in 2005.

To be honest with you, my self-esteem had suffered, but over the past 8 years, it has begun to make a comeback.  See it was through the efforts of previous boyfriends and relationships that have made me realize my self worth, and through their help my self confidence and self esteem have been bolstered. Yet it has still taken me years to come to terms with my illness and limitations.  It wasn't until I wrote about overcoming limitations in my blog that I actually came to terms with my own.  Yet, it didn't stop there, see my boyfriend suffers from his own insecurities and has a hard time taking compliments.  His self esteem is impaired from his previous relationship and the mental and physical abuse he suffered through.  It is extremely hard for him to think that anyone can care about him, that the feelings that he is feeling is real.  He also has a hard time accepting compliments.  He doesn't actually like attention to be called to him or his accomplishments.  I think that the reason for this is because he has to embrace what has happened to him in the past, accept it and move on. Once he can do that he will be able to accept his own limitations, insecurities and shortcomings.

This is what I know about insecurities, we each have them. Without the love of another it may be totally impossible to overcome those insecurities, to be one hundred percent comfortable in our own skin.  See the insecurities we have will make it impossible to accept the compliments of others, we will still see ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be. We will hold people back by the walls we have built to protect us from having to relive or reveal those insecurities to others.  Basically, we are keeping others at arms length, never letting them to get to know the real us.  It is extremely important when you let your walls down, to let them all down, reveal your deep seated insecurities, reveal to your partner you vulnerabilities and trust them to hold them close to their heart and not betray you.  By doing this you will allow the other person to get to know the real you and together you can assuage and face those fears together.  I honestly believe that through love and our hearts. two people can face and overcome anything.

I know from my own insecurities, that I was holding myself back, that I didn't even have hope, that I was ashamed, embarrassed and wouldn't let anyone close to me.  It took someone that was persistent and very insistent that he loved me.  Then it took him months and months to convince me that he loved me, that the bags, scars and others insecurities didn't matter to him, that he loved the person he saw inside of me and my personality, my brain, intelligence and a hundred other things that attracted him to me.  My biggest fear was that I wouldn't find anyone that could love me, accept me or even consider going out with me because I have the bags, that I couldn't have sex, and that I had all of these scars. Insecurities led to fear and fear can paralyze us and keep us from taking the chances and risks that we need to.  It can keep us from becoming successful and limits our resourcefulness.

It is also true that our own fears and insecurities can make us reject out of hand the compliments others dish out to us, and it can even keep us from accepting criticism. Now this can lead to the build up of pressure and  stress.  Which in turn if not processed properly can lead lead to depression. Now for most of us this is something that can be worked on and overcome, but for those that are in the public eye or even famous this might lead to other problems that may affect their work or livelihood.  A famous singer from Nirvana, Kirk Cobain. could attest to this fact if he were still alive.  Stress and depression from perceived limitations and disabilities can lead us to severe depression and dark thoughts, which might in turn lead us down the path toward suicide.  Remember that thoughts of suicide creep up on us when we feel like we are trapped and our problems are insurmountable and we can't get past them.  It is important for us to face our insecurities embrace them and learn to overcome them.

Keep in mind that not all insecurities and limitations are physical, they can be mental or perceived as well.  This does not make them less real then the physical ones.  I hope that you understand that we can overcome them and face them with the love and support of others.  The first step in this process is to be open and frank about them.  When you can talk about them, even joke about them, you are able to express them in such a way that you can let the healing begin.  Keep in mind that only you can start the process.  You can't live in fear and concern and expect to move forward in your life.  Hiding behind walls and keeping it bottled up inside of you will only add to your pain and stress.  Trust me when I tell you that these fears and insecurities are painful, and only by exposing them to others can you lessen the pain that you feel.  You may be totally surprised when you finally are ready to open up about them that others are just as fearful and scared as you are. That they too have some deep seated insecurities, that are just waiting to be exposed to the light of day. And that by talking about them you lessen the power they have over you and your life.  Also, once you start talking about them you become more comfortable with them, and eventually they will not be a plague to you anymore.

You are not alone in this.  Everyone of us has something about our bodies, our looks and personality that we don't like, but these are what makes us different and unique, and as you express them to others, you will find that they are what gives you the character, drive and strength.  They aren't as limiting as you thought they were.  They may be the reason why you have acted a certain way your entire life, and they could be the very thing that has defined you.  But once you expose them to others, and start facing them and dealing with them, you are going to find ways to accept them and once you do that you can overcome them.  We are not so different you and I, we may have different fears and insecurities, but we have them, maybe by birth or by mishap, or illness.  Each of us are different, but we are still the same.  We each have fear and we like to keep hidden those things which bother us.  But, when you start talking about them, and expose them to the light so to speak you are going to find that there are others just like you that may have similar fears, similar insecurities, or similar illnesses or situations that will make it easier for you to identify with and be more open and forthcoming.  Once you open the flood gates you will be surprised where that current might take you.  You may even find that what you thought was a flaw or insecurity wasn't that at all.

You can't accept someone fully and totally if you can't accept yourself.  They say that in order to love another that you have to love yourself first, and that is true.  Keep in mind that acceptance starts by facing and embracing your insecurities, fears and flaws and dealing with them.  Once you can do that you can accept those that others have.  Communication my dear ones is the key to this as with so many other issues that we face. Man is a social creature, we need the interaction of others to keep us healthy and happy, and by opening yourself up and accepting that which you cannot change and talking about it, you will find yourself that much stronger.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is a powerful thing? Read these two poems and see for yourself

Never fear mother dear, I heard your heart beating within your womb,
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.

Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!

When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?

The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.

When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.

The brain is a powerful thing!

The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.

Isn't the brain a powerful thing?

Settling for other than you want and second guessing yourself is wrong

Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially.  I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive.  When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.

Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive.  This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it.  Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior.  What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it.  I would second guess myself and begin to worry.  This is often referred to as buyers remorse.  Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.

Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years.  So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do.  I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier.  But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made.  I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem.  Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides.  Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back.  What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.

Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves.  Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate.  Go for what you want, make yourself happy.  As I have told you over and over again, life is too short.  I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run.  Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth.  I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself.  Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.

This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it.  I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with.  I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted.  Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on.  However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with.  Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due.  But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all.  So I did what I thought was best.  I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.

How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires?  I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you.  As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time.  You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense.  In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution.  You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.

Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves"  this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them.  Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide.  He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place.  Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come.  Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out.  You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.

Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them.  You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come.  Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out.  Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc.  If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle.  As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.

The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back.  He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal.  Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.

Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat.  Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it.  Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing.  Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal

A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex.  Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off.  However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply.  Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement.  Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.

When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable.  Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections.  See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you.  In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life.  Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."

Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her.  But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public.  It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her.  Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over.  At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.

Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power.  At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain.  Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you.  Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor.  Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well.  Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.

Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love.  As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them.  However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.

If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them.  If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore.  This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal.  Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case.  But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.

Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity.  You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again.  When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly  to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner.  Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive.  Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare.  If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse.  No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated.  They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.

I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him.  Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them.  So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on.  However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been.  Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up.  But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was.  It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was.  Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion.  I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.

Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex.  Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go.  I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby.  See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns.  Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.

So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed.  Which means shoot up meth.  I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug.  However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person.  So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question.  Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days.  Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis.  It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles.  Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth.  But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.

Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that.  But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were.  I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me.  I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense.  I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.

I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too.  Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said.  All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one.  Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past.  Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening.  Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used.  Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem or situation

Last night we were talking about relationships and the secrets to making them long lasting and workable.  Yet, here is another insight that you need to consider when dealing with issues that arise in a relationship, and trust me they can be as many and varied as any other types of problems or issues.  The secret here is that there is no predefined way to deal with them, the solutions are as varied as the issues themselves.  Be flexible and think, because if you really try you will find that there are so many options and choices to deal with the issue.  Don't always settle for the first thing that comes to mind, because you might end up regretting it later.  Take the time to think outside of the box and look at the problem from all sides and angles.  The best thing to do is divorce yourself from the problem and tackle it from a logical standpoint.  You will be able to address the situation more effectively and efficiently if you come at it from a standpoint where your emotions are not involved.  Take the time to distance yourself from the problem, search for the root cause and deal with that issue and then tackle the symptoms and ramifications afterward.

A line from one of my favorite movies is "A problem is not as permanent as the solution." For a long time I didn't understand what that meant, and took the easy way, or the path of least resistance and work to deal with the current issue not the underlying cause of the issue. So by ignoring the original problem and just putting out the fires that the issue caused, I was in effect treating the symptoms and not the root cause.  This would be like a doctor throwing a bunch of antibiotics in your system to deal with an infection and not first finding out what type of infection it was and taking the time to find the right antibiotic to deal with the infection, just hoping to get lucky with the barrage of antibiotics hoping that at least one of them would do the trick.  In the above example the doctor might get lucky and one will help, reduce the symptoms and might alleviate the problem for a little while, but if it wasn't the right one, and the root infection wasn't treated correctly or properly the chances are that once you stop taking them or run out of the antibiotics, the infection will come back stronger than ever.  This type of hit and miss treatment is not good for your body, and you can start to build up a tolerance to the many different types of antibiotics.  The same happens to you when you try to handle situations and problems the same way, you become immune to the solutions and the problems come back with a vengeance.

As I have told you there are as many ways to deal with a problem, issue or challenge as there are types of problems.  You must use your head, separate yourself from the feelings associated with the issue, look at the situation from every possible angle, talk about the problem, get feedback from your partner and come up with a workable solution that not only addresses the symptoms but the actual root cause itself. Remember that two heads are better than one and brainstorm together, reach a compromise solution together, don't be afraid to try some unconventional solutions, be creative and inventive, and keep the level of communication open.  The worst thing you can do is alienate your partner by trying to assign blame.  Be adult enough to realize that the issue, situation and problem is affecting both of you, that no matter who is at fault it is going to take both of you working together to get yourself out of the messy situation.  Keep in mind that what's done is done and cannot be undone.  Assigning blame cannot benefit anyone and will actually probably cause more issues in the long run. If you work together peacefully and logically versus emotionally you might be surprised at how easy it was to deal with the issue.

The biggest issue that relationships face these days is the one dealing with money.  There is never enough money to go around or the bills are coming in faster than the money to pay them, or some other type of variation. There are ways to deal with situations like this that will keep harmony in the house.  Communication is key to dealing with this issue. You have to come at these types of situations analytically, removing the emotional feelings that are associated with it. You must keep from assigning blame, and work together to come up with a solution.  One thing you might think about is setting aside specific credit cards or accounts for personal use, that each party is personally responsible for. Or some other compromising solution, it is okay to think abstractly and try many different types of solutions, work together to come up with a budget that you both can accept and continue to work at it.  Remember that the problem didn't occur overnight that it took time to build up to become an issue or problem so it might take just awhile to resolve as well. Trust me when you take the time to handle things and deal with them permanently the better off you will be.  Working together to deal with the issue is going to make your relationship that much stronger, both of you are going to feel an equal partnership and it is going to be rewarding that you have effectively dealt with it.

As I said when I started this entry there are no hard and fast rules that apply to handling situations that might crop up or occur, you have to deal with them individually, and you must take into account all the variables and aspects of the issue.  Communication between you and your partner is vital, and working together to come up with a solution that is both attainable and agreeable is paramount.  Making sure that assigning blame doesn't become an issue and make the situation worse is also key to ending up with favorable results.  Money matters are always going to be a problem and they don't get easier, but you must maintain a strict discipline when dealing with them, acknowledge that both of you are at fault and work together to come up with the answer.  As I said a solution is more permanent then the problem, try as many options as you can think of, work backward if you have too. Be patient and understand that it may take time and hard work to achieve the desired result, but in the end you will be glad you did.

If you read the earlier blog entry on making relationships work, I stress over and over again that you have to be flexible willing to change, adapt to new and arising situations, you have to talk to one another and come at the problem together, maybe even try coming at it from two different sides, whatever it takes to make the problem finally and totally disappear.  Don't be afraid to compromise and think outside the box, be willing to take a risk and see if it won't pay off.  Don't alienate yourself from your partner, and include them in the decision making process, make it  both of your problems and both of you take total ownership for it and responsibility, because when you do both of you feel like you are invested and have some degree of control over it the happier you both will be.

I think you will find that when you work together, great things happen. When you talk about the issues and are genuine and matter of fact about both of your involvement, assigning blame becomes harder and almost impossible. You both will feel better, the stress will be less in your relationship and you will feel a sense of accomplishment that you haven't felt before.  Don't hold grudges or use guilt as a weapon, and because you have separated your emotions and feelings from the situation you will find that it has become that much easier to talk about, tempers won't flair and things that are discussed and thought about in a calm relaxed way will have a greater tendency to work out faster and better than before.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If these walls could talk....what would they say?

Today's introspection revealed to me that I feel alone even when I am with other people.  This is something that made me want to think about it just a little more deeply. We have talked about hurt, masks, defense mechanisms, the mind, the body, and a whole host of other things. But we really haven't discussed walls.  Each of us builds up walls, protections to keep us from experiencing the pain associated with emotional hurts.  In an earlier posting we talked a good deal about pain, and how it is the tool from which we learn and grow from.  In that entry I talked about forgiveness, moving on, and how time can help heal these wounds.  However, there are times when the healing process takes too long, the pain is still too fresh with us, so we construct emotional barriers, these barriers hold people at bay.  In effect these walls tend to keep people at arms length, they cloak us in secrecy and hide us from exposing ourselves to situations which we perceive dangerous or hurtful.

Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten?  This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance.  You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there.  Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.

Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers.  There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more.  Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you.  When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible.  They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you.  Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.

When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody.  After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them.  Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside.  They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing.  I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened.  My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away.  I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times.  Even my parents seemed to understand.  But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change.  He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job.  He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why.  But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by.  I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag.  I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair.  One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.

It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends.  It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth.  It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right.  That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression.  It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.

Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past.  Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history.  This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in.  When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something.  Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.

In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person.  Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me.  I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling.  The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things.  I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something.  But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.

Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues.  Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of.  People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you.  If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either.  You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt.  Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair.  Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up.  In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again.  Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved.  Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there.  Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.

Remember it is never too late to start this process.  Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it.  It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life.  I can do it all on my own.  I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way.  It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me.  In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life.  I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them.  I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents.  Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!

If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly.  He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him.  A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it.  I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times.  To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.

So if your walls could talk what would they say about you?   Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach.  Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love.  You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.

God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance.  It is time for you to make a change in your life.  Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here.  No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel.  You are your own individual with your own style and personality.  If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you.  Take your power back.  You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them.  I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion.  Which everyone has like assholes!  You must be you and be comfortable with who you are.  Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you.  Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.

Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it.  You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel.  Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude.  Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected.  Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You ever have a day where you just feel blue and lonely?

Even though I was busy most of the day with doctor's appointments.  I still felt the pang of loneliness and boredom set in.  Honestly, this is a very mild form of depression and one that used to come over me a lot.  But not so much anymore.  Today was just one of those days when everyone and everything just seemed to remind me how alone I am.  Everywhere I turned I saw people hurrying about their business, smiling and sharing time with others.

Since I have been in Florida, I have done nothing really except hang with my father and step mother. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy that for the most part.  It is just hard being here with no one to talk to, confide in or do things with.  I have tried going to the movies by myself and it just isn't the same thing.  I grew up in Orlando, went to high school in Winter Park and have some friends over there, but here in Ormond, I don't know a soul.  When I lived in Atlanta I was always on the go, hardly ever sat at home, and here I am sitting in the same room all by myself for the last 7 months.  Kind of monotonous if you ask me.

I had been hoping against hope that Bobby Ohara was going to come down, and now even that is looking more and more like a pipe dream.  My only outlet to the real world is via my cell phone or the computer. I hangout on Facebook and Myspace and twitter this is my window into reality. I write in my blog and I am constantly watching movies.  I am hoping that as soon as I get this cast off of my leg I will find something to do, because a person could really go crazy just sitting in their room all day, every day.

I do miss my friend and my life that I had in Atlanta, but I know that it wasn't good for me, and I was on a self-defeatist path as well as on a path of self-destruction while I was there.  Honestly, I know I am not going back there, but I have left behind so many interesting people and friends that it is so hard not to wonder what they are doing and wishing I was with them.  I honestly wish I could find someone to hang out with and chill here. I think that would make staying here that much more bearable and get me out of the house and the rut that I am in.  But for now, I await for the phone to ring and hear from my friends on Google talk, voice or email or sit and follow everyone's adventures on Facebook.

I know that this is only temporary and when my leg and body have healed enough I will start going out and doing things.  Might even make some friends here that will make life a little more bearable.  So keep this in mind when you are running around and doing stuff. That I am sitting here waiting to hear from you and share in your excitement and your adventures.

Life is never what it supposed to be, and we all long for differences and changes to take place to rock our world and make it more exciting.  But trust me that the grass is not always greener on the other side and if it is.  It is probably too good to be true and you just have to wait for the other shoe.  I hope you all will take the time to join my blog site and write to me.  Give me something to enjoy and write about.

I miss you all and hope to hear from you guys soon.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Beliefs and Believing are they the same thing?

I was thinking about how I wanted to open up this discussion that I have been kicking around about Reality, but it dawned on me that as with all things reality is based on perception and beliefs.  So I decided that I needed to backtrack just a bit and discuss beliefs and believing, because most people think that they mean the same thing.  Most would be incorrect in that assumption though, because the human mind works in such a way that we can believe something differently then the belief in which is is founded. You might think that this is a play on words, but it is truly remarkable how the human mind has the ability to compartmentalize and evaluate different concepts and assign a value to them, which later become ingrained in our own belief system and structure.

See a belief is something that we have either learned or experienced, it is first hand knowledge of something that has happened or transpired.  Whereas, believing in something is an act of faith in some cases, and in others is just a reinforcement of a belief that has been experienced.  Taking religion as a basis for this discussion, I can show you the difference between a belief and believing in something.  There is however an inherent danger in beliefs and believing, because believing in something gives it strength and power.  It is also possible to manifest or create a believe and bring it into existence.  All of this I will try to demonstrate and explain.  It is upon this type of idea and abstraction that the current religion is based.  For the majority of people there are two primary and competing religions in the world.  Now, I said for the majority, I want to clarify that there are other religions out there and belief structures, and I am not trying to say one is better than the others, or any of them are right or wrong.  My personal beliefs are actually a culmination of several beliefs and structures, but that is for another time.  What I can say is that I was born into a Christian home, I was taught from the Bible and I have maintained that core in my own personal belief structure, though I have incorporated and utilize different portions of faiths and religions to build and customize my own way of thought and living.  I uses Buddist chanting and meditation techniques and I incorporate Wiccan ceremony and rituals into my own life.  I am not asking anyone to follow me in my pursuit because it is mine and mine alone.

Yet, I have come to realize that I can believe one thing and have a belief in another, and both can exist and be correct at the same time.  You might think that this is impossible but it is not.  I can also believe in something and have no discernible proof that it exists.  This bridging of fact and belief is called an intellectual synthesis.  Sir Thomas Aquinas created a synthesis that allowed science and religion to co-exist together.  He postulated that science was only furthering to prove the existence of the Divine and in such pursuits God Himself.  Because of this new found belief Reason was no longer thought to be the enemy of faith, but rather that reason would expand and explain faith.  It also brought about the renewed change in thought of the time that  philosophy was no longer the enemy of theology, but would also expand it and broaden it's reach. Though theology is often time a part of philosophy the depth and breadth of philosophy reaches far further.  For philosophy is reason personified and rational and irrational thought studied and followed to it's conclusion.

It is important for you to understand that you can have a belief while believing in something else entirely.  Just because you believe that God speaks to you through prayer, doesn't mean that you can't believe that he talks to someone else through meditation and divination.  It is elusive to describe in detail what I am trying to say because beliefs and believing in something are very personal and deeply ingrained in us, whether by, culture or denomination or even religious devotion. You might even liken a belief to a personal conviction.  By doing so you make it exclusively your's, and that conviction can be a part of a greater belief and it be right for you but only you.  However, by believing in something you are giving it energy and life. I am asking you to trust me that believing is different than having a belief but as I sit here trying to force my mind around it, I keep looping back.

I guess what I am trying to say is having a belief is personal where believing in something means you take part in it.  What comes to mind is that I believe there are ghost and spirits in this world that interact with us.  However, because I am a believing Christian, I am taught that there aren't.  The same aspect could be true.  I am a believing Christian, but there is no empirical evidence or proof that God or Heaven exists.  Where are the graves and markers of the Saints?  We are to believe without seeing which is called faith, but isn't faith another world for belief?  I think it is.  I also think that having a belief in something and believing in something are two separate things.  I also believe that this is made possible by the fact that our brain can think, rationalize, analyse and process information on several different levels that let us be able to accept incongruous things.

Therefore, it is possible for two people to have differing belief's yet believe in the same thing. Just look at church denominations.  The all believe in God, but they have different approaches and internal dogmas that make them separate.  Because I am a member of the Church it is said that I am a believer, but depending on my denomination my belief may differ from another believer and we both might be correct.  This little tidbit of knowledge is hard to grasp, and I have explained it as well as I can to help you understand what I have been trying to say.

Because what I am leading up to is that I believe that there are different types of realities that exist simultaneously and each are perceived and interpreted by the brain differently depending on you level of enlightenment.  This is just the first in a little series I want to explore on reality. I am basing what I am writing about on "Plato's Allegory of the Cave".  

 I hope that I have intrigued you enough, or maybe even confused you enough that you will want to come back and follow the next few blog entries that are going to deal with the spiritual journey and the path towards enlightenment. What tools we have at our disposal, and how the further we go on this journey different things will start to look, and how our understand of what we perceive as reality may in-fact be just a shadow of the real world hidden behind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody.

When you hold in your emotions, and keep them bottled up inside of yourself, you are doing harm to yourself and sooner or later you are going to blow up at someone.  In fact, you are going to blow up and hurt someone, and it isn't going to be the person who hurt you or caused you the pain.  When you cannot express how you feel to others and are closed off, you have a tendency to become too serious about everything around you.  The littlest things bother you and before you know it you snap and will feel bad that it happened.  I do know what I am talking about, because I have lived this way most of my life.  I held everything in and bottled up inside of me, and I have snapped so many times on the wrong person and felt really bad after it happened.

I personally still have problem letting out feelings of hurt and anger, but I am working on it, daily I might add.  I don't want to ruin any more relationships or hurt anyone else in the process of my own growth and development.  For years and years I have held in my love, hate, pain, anger, and it has cost me much.  I hate confrontation, but I refuse to let my feelings be trampled on by anyone ever again.  If I am hurt I will tell you about it and you are just going to have to deal with it. Because you know what I don't stay angry long and when I get it out of my system, it is done and over with.

Take it from me if you can start talking about your emotions and how you feel with those that are closest too you.  There will definitely be less stress in your life, your relationships will go smoother and those around you will know where they stand with you. It is important for you to let those you care about know how you feel. Let them know daily that you love them and cherish them, do not go to bed angry, don't keep your feelings locked inside.  Because if you do, there is a good chance that they might not truly know or understand how you feel about them and you could loose them.

Another, problem with holding in emotion, is that it will make you bitter, you will always seem angry to others, and they will tend to shy away from you.  If you don't want to be alone, you are going to have to find away to open up to others and uncork those emotions you keep bottled up inside of you.  I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn how to do this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Some Advice, Freely Given...

Yesterday was an eventful day for me, and one that I would like to share with you in a small way.  I have a bit of advice that I would like to share with you all, maybe some will heed it, others will ignore it, but all in all I think that it is important for me to say something.

I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it.  I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked.  Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it.  However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go.  Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up.  I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it.  But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything.  But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.

Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try.  Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it.  As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home.  But here is the thing.  I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came.  I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg.  Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it.  I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own.  I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving.  Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me.  Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on.  When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much.  No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.

It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion.  I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything.  When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday.  As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital.  My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side.  They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God.  Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them.  I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain.  So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.

Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off.  This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way.  Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me.  They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything.  So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on.  You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th.  Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond.  My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived.  What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you.  When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.

So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give?  Well here it is.  If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you.  Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was.  I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else.  Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own.  More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes.  I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less.  Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.

There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone.  Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility.  However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.

Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them.  Which is what I should have done with my father.  I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you ever felt like starting over, but were too tired?

Have you ever felt like starting over, but were to tired to try again, to defeated by the things you cling to in your past?  I have and I still do every once in awhile.  The only way to get past your past and start over again is by forgiving those who hurt you and who you have hurt.  Forgiveness is the key.  Forgiveness is for you and not the other person, this is how we forget the past, start a clean slate, and let go of the past.

Unfortunately, our own defeatist attitude and mind hold us back.  We sometimes feel like we are not good enough, that we have made too many mistakes and that we cannot get past this.  What I can tell you is this you are not a failure, you may have failed in some of the goals you had planned to achieve but life is full of infinite possibilities and out comes.  None of us are perfect in anyway.  We learn from the mistakes we have made in the past, we have asked for forgiveness and we have forgiven ourselves. So why is it that we allow ourselves to be plagued with thoughts of failure and not being good enough to start over?  Is it guilt, no it shouldn't be if we have truly forgiven ourselves.  Is it because when we look back at our own life we see that we haven't measured up to our own ideal of success, perfection, hopes, and dreams?  That would be my guess because I know when I look back I am not happy with my progress.  But something I picked up along the way is the tenacity to push through my dilemmas and problems and plod ahead.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Each one of us is unique and an individual, we cannot be replaced by anyone else.  Every person we meet we touch in some way or another.  They either enrich us or impact us in some way. We truly are the sum of all our experiences, our failures, our triumphs, our tears, our disappointments and our victories.  We are the result of the actions and the consequences of them, we are ever changing and growing as we live and learn, as we struggle to a new future and leave the past behind.  It has been recommended that if you want to change and become more than what you are that you need to have a clean break and that you must start over again.  I don't honestly believe that is entirely accurate. Sometimes, there needs to be a clean break when you are trying to get away from a bad habit or an addiction.  However, evolving takes time and living to instill in us the motivation of change.  Be steady in your convictions.  Understand your limitations and understand that inner reflection may need to take place. It is necessary to adjust our goals and desires, they need to be reasonable and attainable.

It is unfortunate, but this is a journey that only you can make, this is a place where you have to make decisions and you have to be ready and willing to change.  The key is forgiveness of yourselves, acceptance of your past, and willing to reap the consequences of said actions.  Only from this place can we release the past and move forward. I want you to always remember that you are not a failure, you do have worth, and you can start again, you have an inner strength that has brought you this far and through so many things.  Remember that when all the doors before you seem to be closed and despair is hovering above your head, that the future cannot be seen, no one can see beyond your choices, our future is based upon the decisions we make and the paths we choose to walk. Remember that after every rainstorm there comes the sun.  After every waning moon comes a new full moon.  That each day is a brand new day, there are no mistakes, it is a clean slate and is perfect in every way, and just because that door was closed when you got to it doesn't mean that you have failed...it just means that the door was closed just so you could open one and step out onto the perfect road that was meant for you.

Trust me when I say you can do this you can do anything you set our mind too and you can succeed all you have to do is try.  Keep your head up and your thoughts positive. Take the step to start over again and you will see that starting over isn't so hard after all.

As always I look forward to hearing from you and your thoughts about my subject.  Let me know what you think and what you would like to talk about.

All my hopes,
Uncle B