Over the past couple of days the topic of acceptance has been presenting itself to me over and over again. First, in my relationship, then in my own personal life. What I came up with after dealing with this issue for the past 3 days is that if you want to be able to accept another person, you have to be able to accept yourself. You have to be comfortable in your own skin, if you ever want to be comfortable loving and accepting anyone else in your life. Here is what I know, I am not comfortable with all the scars, the bags, and all the limitations that have happened with my body since I have gotten ill. The truth of the matter is that I was even scared to tell my boyfriend of five years that with everything that my body has gone through, I may never be able to have sex again. This was something that I was ashamed of, self-conscious of, and most importantly it was a shortcoming that I am very insecure about ever since my illness raised it's head in 2005.
To be honest with you, my self-esteem had suffered, but over the past 8 years, it has begun to make a comeback. See it was through the efforts of previous boyfriends and relationships that have made me realize my self worth, and through their help my self confidence and self esteem have been bolstered. Yet it has still taken me years to come to terms with my illness and limitations. It wasn't until I wrote about overcoming limitations in my blog that I actually came to terms with my own. Yet, it didn't stop there, see my boyfriend suffers from his own insecurities and has a hard time taking compliments. His self esteem is impaired from his previous relationship and the mental and physical abuse he suffered through. It is extremely hard for him to think that anyone can care about him, that the feelings that he is feeling is real. He also has a hard time accepting compliments. He doesn't actually like attention to be called to him or his accomplishments. I think that the reason for this is because he has to embrace what has happened to him in the past, accept it and move on. Once he can do that he will be able to accept his own limitations, insecurities and shortcomings.
This is what I know about insecurities, we each have them. Without the love of another it may be totally impossible to overcome those insecurities, to be one hundred percent comfortable in our own skin. See the insecurities we have will make it impossible to accept the compliments of others, we will still see ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be. We will hold people back by the walls we have built to protect us from having to relive or reveal those insecurities to others. Basically, we are keeping others at arms length, never letting them to get to know the real us. It is extremely important when you let your walls down, to let them all down, reveal your deep seated insecurities, reveal to your partner you vulnerabilities and trust them to hold them close to their heart and not betray you. By doing this you will allow the other person to get to know the real you and together you can assuage and face those fears together. I honestly believe that through love and our hearts. two people can face and overcome anything.
I know from my own insecurities, that I was holding myself back, that I didn't even have hope, that I was ashamed, embarrassed and wouldn't let anyone close to me. It took someone that was persistent and very insistent that he loved me. Then it took him months and months to convince me that he loved me, that the bags, scars and others insecurities didn't matter to him, that he loved the person he saw inside of me and my personality, my brain, intelligence and a hundred other things that attracted him to me. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't find anyone that could love me, accept me or even consider going out with me because I have the bags, that I couldn't have sex, and that I had all of these scars. Insecurities led to fear and fear can paralyze us and keep us from taking the chances and risks that we need to. It can keep us from becoming successful and limits our resourcefulness.
It is also true that our own fears and insecurities can make us reject out of hand the compliments others dish out to us, and it can even keep us from accepting criticism. Now this can lead to the build up of pressure and stress. Which in turn if not processed properly can lead lead to depression. Now for most of us this is something that can be worked on and overcome, but for those that are in the public eye or even famous this might lead to other problems that may affect their work or livelihood. A famous singer from Nirvana, Kirk Cobain. could attest to this fact if he were still alive. Stress and depression from perceived limitations and disabilities can lead us to severe depression and dark thoughts, which might in turn lead us down the path toward suicide. Remember that thoughts of suicide creep up on us when we feel like we are trapped and our problems are insurmountable and we can't get past them. It is important for us to face our insecurities embrace them and learn to overcome them.
Keep in mind that not all insecurities and limitations are physical, they can be mental or perceived as well. This does not make them less real then the physical ones. I hope that you understand that we can overcome them and face them with the love and support of others. The first step in this process is to be open and frank about them. When you can talk about them, even joke about them, you are able to express them in such a way that you can let the healing begin. Keep in mind that only you can start the process. You can't live in fear and concern and expect to move forward in your life. Hiding behind walls and keeping it bottled up inside of you will only add to your pain and stress. Trust me when I tell you that these fears and insecurities are painful, and only by exposing them to others can you lessen the pain that you feel. You may be totally surprised when you finally are ready to open up about them that others are just as fearful and scared as you are. That they too have some deep seated insecurities, that are just waiting to be exposed to the light of day. And that by talking about them you lessen the power they have over you and your life. Also, once you start talking about them you become more comfortable with them, and eventually they will not be a plague to you anymore.
You are not alone in this. Everyone of us has something about our bodies, our looks and personality that we don't like, but these are what makes us different and unique, and as you express them to others, you will find that they are what gives you the character, drive and strength. They aren't as limiting as you thought they were. They may be the reason why you have acted a certain way your entire life, and they could be the very thing that has defined you. But once you expose them to others, and start facing them and dealing with them, you are going to find ways to accept them and once you do that you can overcome them. We are not so different you and I, we may have different fears and insecurities, but we have them, maybe by birth or by mishap, or illness. Each of us are different, but we are still the same. We each have fear and we like to keep hidden those things which bother us. But, when you start talking about them, and expose them to the light so to speak you are going to find that there are others just like you that may have similar fears, similar insecurities, or similar illnesses or situations that will make it easier for you to identify with and be more open and forthcoming. Once you open the flood gates you will be surprised where that current might take you. You may even find that what you thought was a flaw or insecurity wasn't that at all.
You can't accept someone fully and totally if you can't accept yourself. They say that in order to love another that you have to love yourself first, and that is true. Keep in mind that acceptance starts by facing and embracing your insecurities, fears and flaws and dealing with them. Once you can do that you can accept those that others have. Communication my dear ones is the key to this as with so many other issues that we face. Man is a social creature, we need the interaction of others to keep us healthy and happy, and by opening yourself up and accepting that which you cannot change and talking about it, you will find yourself that much stronger.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Remorse and Regret Can Be Overcome By Helping Others!
Do you feel remorse and regret for an situation or action that occurred but there is no way you can go back and make it up to the person that was hurt? Do you suffer from guilt and anxiety over not being able to make it up to the person that was hurt? If you do, then I want you to try something, now this is not an original idea I got it from the movie "Pay It Forward" but I think it is an excellent way to help you deal with those feelings and maybe in some small way get the closure you need to let those emotions go finally. Because trust me when I tell you, if there is nothing you can do, and you can't actually find or get in touch with the person who you have wronged or hurt, then those emotions are useless and are only holding you back and hurting you. With that in mind if there is a way that you can get in touch with the other person, then I think you should contact them and tell them that you are sorry, give them a heartfelt apology and let those feeling finally move on. Don't try to reopen the wounds by giving a halfhearted apology with excuses and rationalizations attached, because that is just going to make the situation much worse. You would have been better off just living with the guilt, remorse, regret and anxiety.
Each of us searches for closure for all painful things in our lives. Sometimes it is because a relationship went horribly wrong, and both of you got hurt, or if there was some kind of altercation in your life and you parted friends with someone and ugly hateful words were said, or heaven forbid some sort of accident occurred and someone was seriously injured or hurt. Maybe a parent or loved one died and you had a fight and never got the chance to make up or they died suddenly and you never got the chance to say goodbye, whatever the reason, it is true there are times when we need closure but can't find it or get it for whatever the reason. When this happens feelings of regret and remorse can overwhelm us, followed closely by guilt and anxiety, which if left untreated, can lead to severe depression.
Closure is a way of moving past those old hurts and pains and move forward, either with the person or without. Sometimes closure brings answers to unanswered questions or provides explanations for why certain things happened as they did. However, as I have said earlier sometimes closure isn't possible for one reason or another. Sometimes closure can occur over time, however the questions still remain. One thing is for sure that if you cannot find or talk to the other person closure may or may not be possible. Sometimes asking for forgiveness or apologizing brings closure and sometimes it doesn't. But, I want you to keep in mind that forgiveness is for you and you alone, even if someone does say that they forgive you, it doesn't really help them out. It is for you. You are the one that is going to feel better in the end. However, just like with closure and moving on, forgiveness may not be able to be had.
But there might be a way for you to use the emotions of regret, remorse, guilt and anxiety to help someone else out. In other words "paying it forward", doing something to help others might actually get your mind off the issue that you are seeking closure for. Now it will not answer the questions you might have or assuage all of your feelings that you are experiencing, but it will bring you some relief. You may not be able to make it right with the person you have wronged but you can make it up to someone, and by doing that you are paying it forward, and if everyone did that the world would be a kinder and lighter place. There would be less fighting and more understanding and friendships. I for one have friends that I have known my whole life, and I take those friendships very seriously. Now I can't say that there haven't been arguments and misunderstandings. That we haven't fought and stopped talking at times for awhile, but what I can say is that no matter what the issue or the problem we eventually always come back together and work it out. If everyone did that, don't you think there would be less pain and animosity in the world.
Every time I meet a new person I enter into that relationship and cultivate it for longevity. I am not interested in just meeting you and making your acquaintance, I am interested in being a life long friend. Someone you can count on and trust. But I am also hoping to make the world a better place, and I think that by cultivating friendships and understanding how people are will go a long way toward making the world a brighter and safer and better place. My definition of friend is that I accept you as you are. I take you at face value, and I truly embrace your uniqueness and your differences and accept all of you. I can't like you and not accept you I am just not built that way. I know that the human heart has the greatest capacity for unconditional love and acceptance. It also has the greatest capacity to forgive, but once wounded it doesn't forget the pain. It can move on get past it and work through the issue, but it doesn't forget the pain or the hurt that has been done to it. As a matter of fact I was discussing this with a new friend just last night. See, I know that the human heart has the greatest capacity to love, and when it loves it loves hard, it is possible to love countless people. You love and care about your parents, your siblings and others that you have had relationships with in the past. The love you have for your family is unconditional love, no matter what they do, they are your family and you care about them and will try your best to put them first, it goes the same with your friends. Unconditional means total and uncompromising acceptance, willingness to overlook or accept and embrace their flaws as well as their virtues.
The reason why I am bringing this up is that it is the heart that allows us to move on and find closure in actions, words and deeds. They don't necessarily have to be from the person that hurt you or you were hurt by. The heart is amazing in it's ability to forgive, move on, and find closure. It also finds inspiration in the smallest things and can make you happy even in the midst of your darkest hour. With that in mind I honestly believe that by helping others that are in need might be just what you need to assuage your feelings of remorse and regret, as long as you are of pure intention and not looking for anything back in return. Trust me when I tell you the feelings of joy and satisfaction will overpower and replace the feelings of regret and remorse you were feeling. You can take a sense of pride that you are in a small way doing your part in making the world a better and safer place to live in. That you are creating an atmosphere of love, tolerance and acceptance that will continue to perpetuate through the many lives that you touch. I have told you over and over again that the you never know where a casual encounter will take you, how your reaching out you hand in friendship and caring to another, might take them. How a simple act of kindness may be all that is standing between a person and suicide. Life has a funny way of taking our efforts and making them so much more than what they started out as. Think of your act of kindness as a pebble falling into a lake, the ripples that is caused by that pebble start out small and expand the further out it travels. One simple act can affect so many more people than you ever realize.
Just remember the advice that my grandfather gave me. A man doesn't leave his mark on the world by how many possessions he has or how much money he makes, but by how many lives he touches and how many people remember him after he is gone. It is my hope that out of the thousands of people who I have helped and lives I have touched will remember me for the kindness and love that I have for them, and remember that someone once helped them when they needed it and will do the same for someone else. I have been told by several people recently that they find inspiration in me just by the way I live and how I handle dealing with all the issues and problems that I have. That statement alone proves to me that even the least deed that we do can have far reaching affects, we never know who is watching us and getting inspiration from our daily life. How many others are changed and helped by the example that demonstrate in your daily life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
What are some Suicidal Warning Signs?
Over the past couple of days I have been talking to you about Suicide. We talked about what it means to be a Gatekeeper, how to be an attentive listener, and then we went over some of the risk factors that can possibly contribute to someone contemplating or even committing suicide. Today I want to take the discussion a little bit further and talk to you about some of the warning signs that you should be aware of and looking and listening for when talking with a person that is depressed and could possibly be at risk for suicide. Remember it is always better to be safe than sorry, and it is good to ask as many questions as you can to get to the heart of the matter and really understand what the person is going through and experiencing. Keep in mind that just by listening and demonstrating that you are someone that cares you may just be saving someone's life.
Do you remember the other day when I told you that the two biggest factors or risks are the feelings of hopelessness and depression? What you might not realize is that these two things go hand in hand. They act upon a persons mind in such away that they cannot think or see clearly and they begin to feel trapped. Every problem, emotion and crisis because larger and even harder to manage much less handle. Depression alone can make a person feel like they aren't capable of dealing with the issue, it robs them of clarity of mind and purpose and certainly can make a small problem or issue seem like an insurmountable mountain. Now, throw in the sense of hopelessness and you will find a person that is paralyzed, looking for a way out but cannot seem to see a light in the darkness anywhere. Hopelessness + Depression = Suicidal Risk.
In this article I am making the assumption that the person you are talking too is someone that you know or might have known, which is why they have decided to speak with you regarding what they are feeling and going through, though this might not always be the case. So when I am discussing potential warning signs, I am going to be trying to speak in general terms. Behaviors that you may have personally observed or might have been told about during your conversation. Keep in mind that if this isn't someone that you know or see on a regular basis you might have to ask some invasive questions to get the answers you are looking for. However, if this is someone that you know well, or have a good deal of contact with you may have picked up some of these warning signs through casual observation, but you still need to explore them and ask questions to make sure that you haven't made an assumption or jumped to the wrong conclusion about something. So here we go, here are some suicidal warning signs that you should be aware of and looking for either by direct observation or through your casual conversation.
Has there been an uncharacteristic decline in job performance or school attendance? Do they seem isolated and withdrawn from you or other people? Have you noticed or has there been any change in behavior or personality? Keep in mind this can be positive or negative behavior, you cannot tell by looking at a person alone and tell if they are feeling suicidal. Is there emotional or mental state of highs and lows? Moodiness? Has there been any change to their sleeping or eating habits? People who are depressed and or feeling hopeless may not be able to shut down their mind at night, it keeps racing over all of their problems and situations and they can't shut down to sleep. Has there been an increase in agitation? Always angry or lashing out at others? Have the begun to exhibit behaviors of acting out? As I prefaced this part earlier these maybe signs that you being around the person you have noticed. If you are not always around this person or have much interaction with them you may have to get them to open up to you, you have to ask them questions like the ones listed above to draw them out. Here are some other things to look for. Do they demonstrate or have indicated in some way that they are having trouble concentrating? Do they feel a low self-worth or are they demonstrating this in some way? Have you notice them displaying symptoms of being a failure? Or have they indicated to you that they feel like they are a failure in some way? Has everything thing they have done worked out the way that they had planned? If it hasn't this can lead them to thinking that they are a failure. Have you ever tried to accomplish something, taken a step forward, but felt like for the step forward you have gone 5 steps backward at the same time? This also can lead to feelings of failure! Do they say or feel a sense of helplessness? Demonstrate or express feelings of guilt? Cry a lot? Or get emotional at the drop of a hat? Ever talked about or attempted suicide before?
Is there a demonstrated or perceived preoccupation with death? Death-taking or writing about suicide? Any signs of self-harm or cutting? Self mutilation? Any open talk of suicide or death? A demonstrated or perceived notion that they might be getting their affairs in order? Giving away cherished items unexpectedly? I know it might be hard for you to identify these things if they are not close personal friends of yours. You may not see them on a regular basis, therefore you are going to have to pry and dig to get to the answers to these questions but as I have said in the previous entries that I have written on suicide you have to have a complete picture. You cannot just assume that someone is contemplating suicide, you need to be blunt and ask them. Remember you are not going to push them into committing suicide by asking them about it. You may even draw them into discussion about it and eliminate some of their worry and anxiety about their situation and it may even save their lives.
Here are some factors that you should be on the look out for, these are imminent warning signs. By imminent I mean they could act at any moment and these are signs that might indicate an immediate action. If there has been a significant increase of alcohol and drug use. A trend of isolating themselves from friends and family. They appear to be engaging in behaviors that are risk taking, they lack concern for their safety and they demonstrate no fear when committing them. An increase of persistent physical complaints, dramatic mood changes and profound lack of concentration, or sudden mood improvement. During conversations they display expressions of sadness or laughter that are in context of the conversation. They are acting like they don't have a clue as too what everyone has been talking about. Keep in mind that if you notice these things that they could be an unconscious cry for help and you should try and pull them aside and talk to them, try to get them to open up about what they are going through, push to find out what they are doing to themselves. If you have to use pointed and open ended questions to draw them out into conversation. Getting them to talk will if nothing else fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle for you. However, it might just get them to express themselves enough to cut down their anxiety, dispel their fear that they are alone and might turn the whole situation around. You would be surprised sometimes how your biggest problems or worries don't seem so big once you begin talking about them and get them out into the open.
The main thing that you have to remember that the right combinations of stress, trouble, sense of being all alone and trapped, make it easy for depression to come into the picture, through in a sense of hopelessness and you have a situation that is ripe for suicide. As always I encourage you to look at those around you, notice any odd behaviors, whether they are fitting in with others well, are they integrating well with the people and places around them. Be a conscientious listener, compassionate, demonstrating a genuine concern and regard for them. Show them that you are there for them and willing to help them. As I said before, you maybe the only thing standing in this person's way and suicide.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Do you remember the other day when I told you that the two biggest factors or risks are the feelings of hopelessness and depression? What you might not realize is that these two things go hand in hand. They act upon a persons mind in such away that they cannot think or see clearly and they begin to feel trapped. Every problem, emotion and crisis because larger and even harder to manage much less handle. Depression alone can make a person feel like they aren't capable of dealing with the issue, it robs them of clarity of mind and purpose and certainly can make a small problem or issue seem like an insurmountable mountain. Now, throw in the sense of hopelessness and you will find a person that is paralyzed, looking for a way out but cannot seem to see a light in the darkness anywhere. Hopelessness + Depression = Suicidal Risk.
In this article I am making the assumption that the person you are talking too is someone that you know or might have known, which is why they have decided to speak with you regarding what they are feeling and going through, though this might not always be the case. So when I am discussing potential warning signs, I am going to be trying to speak in general terms. Behaviors that you may have personally observed or might have been told about during your conversation. Keep in mind that if this isn't someone that you know or see on a regular basis you might have to ask some invasive questions to get the answers you are looking for. However, if this is someone that you know well, or have a good deal of contact with you may have picked up some of these warning signs through casual observation, but you still need to explore them and ask questions to make sure that you haven't made an assumption or jumped to the wrong conclusion about something. So here we go, here are some suicidal warning signs that you should be aware of and looking for either by direct observation or through your casual conversation.
Has there been an uncharacteristic decline in job performance or school attendance? Do they seem isolated and withdrawn from you or other people? Have you noticed or has there been any change in behavior or personality? Keep in mind this can be positive or negative behavior, you cannot tell by looking at a person alone and tell if they are feeling suicidal. Is there emotional or mental state of highs and lows? Moodiness? Has there been any change to their sleeping or eating habits? People who are depressed and or feeling hopeless may not be able to shut down their mind at night, it keeps racing over all of their problems and situations and they can't shut down to sleep. Has there been an increase in agitation? Always angry or lashing out at others? Have the begun to exhibit behaviors of acting out? As I prefaced this part earlier these maybe signs that you being around the person you have noticed. If you are not always around this person or have much interaction with them you may have to get them to open up to you, you have to ask them questions like the ones listed above to draw them out. Here are some other things to look for. Do they demonstrate or have indicated in some way that they are having trouble concentrating? Do they feel a low self-worth or are they demonstrating this in some way? Have you notice them displaying symptoms of being a failure? Or have they indicated to you that they feel like they are a failure in some way? Has everything thing they have done worked out the way that they had planned? If it hasn't this can lead them to thinking that they are a failure. Have you ever tried to accomplish something, taken a step forward, but felt like for the step forward you have gone 5 steps backward at the same time? This also can lead to feelings of failure! Do they say or feel a sense of helplessness? Demonstrate or express feelings of guilt? Cry a lot? Or get emotional at the drop of a hat? Ever talked about or attempted suicide before?
Is there a demonstrated or perceived preoccupation with death? Death-taking or writing about suicide? Any signs of self-harm or cutting? Self mutilation? Any open talk of suicide or death? A demonstrated or perceived notion that they might be getting their affairs in order? Giving away cherished items unexpectedly? I know it might be hard for you to identify these things if they are not close personal friends of yours. You may not see them on a regular basis, therefore you are going to have to pry and dig to get to the answers to these questions but as I have said in the previous entries that I have written on suicide you have to have a complete picture. You cannot just assume that someone is contemplating suicide, you need to be blunt and ask them. Remember you are not going to push them into committing suicide by asking them about it. You may even draw them into discussion about it and eliminate some of their worry and anxiety about their situation and it may even save their lives.
Here are some factors that you should be on the look out for, these are imminent warning signs. By imminent I mean they could act at any moment and these are signs that might indicate an immediate action. If there has been a significant increase of alcohol and drug use. A trend of isolating themselves from friends and family. They appear to be engaging in behaviors that are risk taking, they lack concern for their safety and they demonstrate no fear when committing them. An increase of persistent physical complaints, dramatic mood changes and profound lack of concentration, or sudden mood improvement. During conversations they display expressions of sadness or laughter that are in context of the conversation. They are acting like they don't have a clue as too what everyone has been talking about. Keep in mind that if you notice these things that they could be an unconscious cry for help and you should try and pull them aside and talk to them, try to get them to open up about what they are going through, push to find out what they are doing to themselves. If you have to use pointed and open ended questions to draw them out into conversation. Getting them to talk will if nothing else fill in some of the pieces of the puzzle for you. However, it might just get them to express themselves enough to cut down their anxiety, dispel their fear that they are alone and might turn the whole situation around. You would be surprised sometimes how your biggest problems or worries don't seem so big once you begin talking about them and get them out into the open.
The main thing that you have to remember that the right combinations of stress, trouble, sense of being all alone and trapped, make it easy for depression to come into the picture, through in a sense of hopelessness and you have a situation that is ripe for suicide. As always I encourage you to look at those around you, notice any odd behaviors, whether they are fitting in with others well, are they integrating well with the people and places around them. Be a conscientious listener, compassionate, demonstrating a genuine concern and regard for them. Show them that you are there for them and willing to help them. As I said before, you maybe the only thing standing in this person's way and suicide.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for
On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide. Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others. In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide. Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry.
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts. But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide. How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation. But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't. People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience. Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc. Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder. It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you. Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks. You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs. They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of. Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out. Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.
It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide. But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well. The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help. Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member. Whatever their reasoning it is up too you. The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level. Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.
Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday. It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide. All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone. Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world. You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.
The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves. If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.
So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.
Let me review what is written above: Who is at risk for suicide?
People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
- family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
- change in family structure such as:
- divorce
- separation
- loss of an important person
- loss of capacity
- death of a loved one or friend
After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before. They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear. Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.
I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through. I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body. But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body. If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?" I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.
Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Suicide, Myths and Facts revealed!
Several months ago a friend of mine and I started the Plus Suicide Project on Google +. We created it in response to the increasing number of teen suicides that we saw occurring in the LBGT teen community. However, I felt that I didn't have enough information at my command to deal with this situation in the appropriate manner. Last night I attend a training seminar that is designed toward suicide prevention and make us the first line of defense in the fight against it. The program is designed to train Gatekeepers, these are compassionate, caring individuals that are trained to develop the knowledge, attitude and skills to identify people at risk for suicide. They are trained to manage a crisis situation and get the individual help and assistance as needed. After going through the course I wanted to share some of the information that I learned from it with you. I think it is important to cover the facts about suicide and explore the myths and misconceptions that individuals have about suicide.
If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point. Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat. That it can come from any corner and hit anyone. Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide. But let's explore the facts first.
Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34. There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people. Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop. More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them. However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation. It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.
So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis. Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide. Fact: Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior. Myth: Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide. Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions. 80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent. Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail. Myth: If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you. Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality. The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance. You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.
Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status. Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes. Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide. Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide. There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.
We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind. Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide. Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts. Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide. Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life. I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them. You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.
So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide? Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals? The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have. You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide. Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem. Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.
What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides. Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide. Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help. You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off. Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.
Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss. No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.
I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring. Everything is possible.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point. Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat. That it can come from any corner and hit anyone. Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide. But let's explore the facts first.
Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34. There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people. Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop. More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them. However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation. It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.
So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis. Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide. Fact: Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior. Myth: Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide. Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions. 80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent. Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail. Myth: If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you. Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality. The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance. You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.
Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status. Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes. Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide. Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide. There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.
We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind. Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide. Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts. Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide. Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life. I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them. You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.
So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide? Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals? The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have. You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide. Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem. Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.
What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides. Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide. Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help. You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off. Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.
Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss. No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.
I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring. Everything is possible.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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