A contingency Plan

What would you do if everyone keeps telling you that having surgery is extremely dangerous?  With that being said you also need to know that if you don't have the operation the cancer is going to spread and will eventually kill you?  Would you elect to have the surgery and hope that the doomsayers are wrong and that everything is going to be alright or would you take the chance of the cancer staying contained and never spreading?    It is a hard question to process and think about and even more of a drag on your mood and emotions.  These are the questions that I am facing.

However, I think that I have made my decision based upon my past experience with cancer and have decided to have the surgery and hope for the best.  However,  my grandmother always told me to hope for the best but plan for the worse that way you will never find yourself in a situation of disappointment.  So I have gone ahead with the plan to have the surgery and have found a surgeon who can do a minimally invasive surgery which doubles my outlook and recovery time.

But as always I have a contingency plan in place in case things go horribly wrong.  I have asked that my doctors do not resuscitate me in the event of heart failure or death under the anesthesia.  If I am on life support I have asked my step mother and father to make sure that the plug is pulled and that I am let go.  I do not want to have a machine doing the hard work for me even if there is a slight chance that I might pull through.  It is my understanding that the longer you are on the machine the harder it is to come back.  Also I am not sure what would come back if my consciousness has already left my body. 

I am a believer that we are energy beings and I believe that all energy exists in the universe and is neither created nor destroyed just changed.  Therefore if my mind checks out, I check out.  I am ready to start the next phase of life. I have been battling this disease for way to long and the journey has been very rough and tiring, I am ready to move on.  I am very tired after fighting for 22 years. 

Now that this is the 5th bout of cancer that I have suffered through I want to just let go but I don't know how to.  Life is all about choices and decisions we make and the consequences that result from them. If we are comfortable with the consequences then the action taken can be seen in light of our own best interests.  Though it may be hard for others to accept the choices we have made, because no one truly understands where you are at in your own personal life which forms the basis for the conclusion you have reached.

In all things you should weigh the risks and make clear choices that help reduce or eliminate the risks you face. So, putting a contingency plan in place is the best option. It shows that you have viewed the scenarios that surround each issue and have made a conscious decision based on predicted outcomes and should something unforseen crop up you have a way to deal with it. It also shows that you have weighed the consequences and have chosen the best alternatives that you see.  Remember that the future is not set in stone and can be changed by a single situation and reaction. Therefore, I suggest that not only do you come up with a plan to deal with the immediate concern, but also any other conceivable outcomes.  This ensures that all contingencies are met and dealt with at the appropriate time and place. You also might want to work on an exit strategy a separate plan that allows you a quick and orderly retreat and allows you to avoid the risk totally if the cost becomes too great for you to accept.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B 

Not Knowing Might Just Be a Good Thing!

I was talking with a friend today, telling him about how confusing life can be and how I don't know which direction I want to take my life in.  It was then when I was talking to him that I realized it might not be a bad thing not knowing where I am going.  I have tried the college thing, and sitting in an office thing. I have had many careers in my life, and each and everyone of them I didn't actually enjoy.  There were some that I like more than others, there were some that definitely paid more than the one before.  But, where was my happiness, enjoyment, fulfillment and passion?  It wasn't too be had in any of the things I have done.  Since I started writing again, I  have found a peace and contentment that I haven't felt before. I feel a connection to each and everyone of my readers, and a sense of fulfillment I have never felt before.

This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can.  This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you.  So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place?  I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them.  I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone.  I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me.  I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.

Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair.  I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens.  I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.  It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.

But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey.  Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant.  The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way.  Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them.  I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled.  But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward.  So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet.  I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.

I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision.  See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying.  It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it.  Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot.  How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't.  Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new.  Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't.  If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on.  You have to do for you.  No one else is going to be able to do it for you.  Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.

While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices.  I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world?  Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here.  Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take.  But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success.  See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally.  When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.

So what am I actually trying to tell you?  I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it.  Let me try and give you an example of what I mean.  I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to.  He has several choices and options that are open to him.  He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places.  Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision.  He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him.  Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh.  If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different.  See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder.  He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution.  Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.

You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move.  Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.

Let me know if this helps any of you.  I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Who is at Risk for Suicide? Here are some things to look for

On Thursday evening we talked about becoming gate keepers, people who are trained to look for suicidal warning signs and risk factors that might be able to clue them into a persons mental state and be a sign that they are thinking about committing suicide.  Keep in mind that there are a lot of factors that can be present and certain individuals are at higher risk then others.  In this blog entry I want to focus on some risk factors that you may notice when talking to someone that might be an indicator that they are considering or contemplating suicide.  Remember, you cannot tell by looking at a person what their mental state is, so you need to be aware of what they say to you and how they act around you. These could be major clues as to whether or not they are thinking about committing suicide.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.

Potentially everyone of us is at risk for suicide or suicidal thoughts.  But here are some facts that you should know, these will help you when you are talking to others to feel out what they are trying to say and if they might in fact be a risk for suicide.  How you bring out the information you need is up too you and how you handle the conversation.  But this is what you should be aware of people with previous suicide attempts are more likely to actually go through with it than a person who hasn't.  People suffering from mental disorders, or returning veterans that could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  Just keep in mind that not only veterans can have post traumatic stress disorders, so can individuals who have been involved in or through any type of traumatic experience.  Such as rape, car accident, fire, flood, natural disaster, loss of a loved one, etc.  Any type of trauma can trigger the disorder.  It is important that you listen to the person as they are talking to you and be receptive to what they are trying to tell you.  Remember that most people that are contemplating suicide or talking about it don't really want to die, they feel utterly hopeless and trapped and only want their pain to end. So find out all you can about them and the surrounding situation, this will help you assess the risks.  You also need to remember to keep your feelings about suicide out of the conversation, this isn't about you, it is about them and their needs.  They may have different cultural or religious beliefs that may in fact support suicide and that is something you need to be aware of.  Find out if they are ill, illness can bring with it a host of problems and expenses that can overwhelm and individual and leave them feeling vulnerable and trapped with no way out.  Or it could be legal problems, again when a person feels trapped and hopeless, without an escape route depression and suicide can creep in.

It can also become very easy for individuals who think that they are alone and having to face daily stress, such as losing their job, or being bullied at school or even going through physical or mental abuse. Stress can definitely lead to depression, and as I have said before depression and sense of hopelessness are very important factors in suicide.  But, you should also be aware that a person whose family has a history of suicide is definitely at risk and if their family structure changes because of divorce, separation, loss of a loved one, loss of possessions or job, a child, miscarriage and other factors need to be looked at as well.  The more information you can find out about the person and their situation, the better able you are to assess the potential for suicide, offer assistance, and get them the appropriate level of help.  Remember they came to you to talk about their plans and troubles, they didn't go to a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional.  Maybe they can't afford to seek out professional help, or they view you as a friend or because you go to church with them a family member.  Whatever their reasoning it is up too you.  The more you get them talking and digging into the problem, gives you more information, and may even lessen their anxiety level.  Just by you being a compassionate, sincere listener you may just have saved their life. Because once it is all out in the open, they won't feel so weighed down by their problems, and just by talking about it might bring them a different focus or perspective that allows them to think more clearly about the situation or crisis that they are going through.

Life can be overwhelming for anyone, and bills are piling up in this economy, and money just isn't going as far today as it did yesterday.  It is easy to become weighed down and burdened by stuff like this, and add on loss of work and other factors and you have a ripe situation for suicide.  All you have to do is be a patient listening ear, a friendly face and voice to help them see that someone does care and that they aren't in this alone.  Too often people think that they are in it by themselves that they have no one to turn to for help or guidance, and just by you being there can make all the difference in the world.  You may never know how your words of kindness and sympathy may impact another persons life, nor do you know where that casual conversation you have might take you.

The last risk factor that I want to talk to you about is lethal means, you need to find out if they have access to weapons, guns, knives, pills, or any other type of means that might provide them with a lethal way to injure themselves.  If you identify that risk in your conversation I urge you to find away to keep them away from it, never let them be alone, and get them help and assistance at the earliest possible opportunity. You are not a trained counselor, and it isn't your responsibility to put yourself or anyone else in harms way, including the person you are talking too. Getting them help as appropriate is essential in keeping them from going through this situation and crisis over and over again.

So here is what I want you to take away from this entry. Pay attention to others when they talk to you, really hear and comprehend what they are saying to you, listen and be aware that they maybe reaching out to you and crying for your help, be compassionate and sincere when they are talking to you, find out as much information as you can about the crisis that they are feeling and going through. Get as much back fill information as you can gather, about family, friends, and any illness, legal problems, trauma that they might have experience. Stay with them and refer them or get them the help that they need.

Let me review what is written above:  Who is at risk for suicide?

People with:
- previous suicide attempts
- mental illness including Post traumatic stress disorder
- co-occurring mental health and alcohol/substance abuse
- cultural and religious beliefs that may support suicide
- physical illness
- resistance to accessing mental health treatment
- easy access to lethal means, especially guns
- legal problems, incarceration etc.
- stressful life event or loss: job loss, abuse sexual/mental, bullying
- family factors :
            - family history of suicide and violence, emotional issues, low level of communication and coping skill
            - change in family structure such as:
                - divorce
                - separation
                - loss of an important person
                - loss of capacity
                - death of a loved one or friend

After going over this I see that I left out loss of capacity when I was talking above, and this can be an older person who thinks that they are no longer useful, they have to depend on others to help them accomplish simple tasks that they were so used to taking care of on their own before.  They feel like that have become a burden on everyone around them and may feel that their frailty and weakness is too much to bear.  Or it could be because of physical illness like I discussed earlier, but wanted to draw a little more attention to this, because of how close it hits to me and my situation.

I too at times go through the feeling of diminished capacity because of the surgeries I have had and the scaring, the bags and everything else that I have been through.  I have to admit that I have some amazing friends that have accepted me inspite of these limitations and modifications to my body.  But the fear still remains that one day I will find myself alone with no one that can love me because of the damage that has been done to my body.  If you would like more information about this check out my blog on "Inner Demon Finally Revealed...Is there still hope?"  I am sure you will find out how deep my fears go, and you can read my blog entry on "True Friendship" and how my friend Jason Blake saved my life by just sitting there and listening to my fears and helping me see that I am someone that can still be loved and that I have something to offer the world.

Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is listen, extend a hand in friendship, be sincere, and compassionate and loving to others and you can change their life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What would you do if you knew the world was ending?

I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth.  It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time.  I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction.  Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise.  I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.

For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed  for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come.  You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to  trying to make my end come forth.  I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk.  I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril.  See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction.  In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison.  I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep.  I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.

Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity.  See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die.  Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C.  I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C.  But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.

What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me.  I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was.  These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen.  People started looking at me with eyes of respect.  Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight.  What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in.  I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught.  So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad.  I told him about my health condition and the severity of it.  He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.

I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places.  I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here.  I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need.  So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity?  I know that I do.  I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease.  I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.

Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs.  It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles.  You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them.  Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine.  They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you.  Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier.  Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone.  Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point.  Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.

So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending?  I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was.  I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me.  Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today.  I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me.  I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me.  I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.

Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B