This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties. My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it. But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother. I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me. My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings.
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Friday, December 14, 2018
Friday, October 27, 2017
Hard times
It's funny how things come and go through our lives and how many of those things we take for granted. Recently, I lost my freedom for a short time due to a decision I made despite knowing that my actions were wrong and illegal. My decision to help someone else ended up having long reaching effects on my life that I am still feeling today. It is sad that a simple choice has led to such long reaching effects on my life and those around me.
I'm here to tell you that if you have second thoughts about doing something, listen to yourself and don't do it. Because you may not even see all of the consequences your actions might result in. I could not have known that cashing a check for a friend would pull me in to an investigation of a buglary, robbery, a forgery, as well as grand theft. Which eventually led me to going to jail for 60 days. But, that was just the beginning of the consequences of that one action, there were other unforseen consequences that resulted from that one event. Consequences and fallout that I am still dealing with today. Now to give you an idea of how long I have been dealing with this action. I cashed the check for my friend back in January of 2017 and here we are heading into November and I think that I can honestly say that I will still be dealing with the fallout way into January of 2018 unless by some miracle my situation changes or I end up taking my friends offer and moving away from here in order to save money.
Once I was arrested my landlord's nephew decided to empty out the house that I had rented, threw away all of my belongings and personal stuff that I had in the house. Now, here I am 2 1/2 months later literally homeless and virtually on the street. After being illegally evicted from the house, and being locked up in jail. I get out at the end of August with nowhere to go, no medical supplies and absolutely no medication. I could not have known that a hurricane was going to hit Florida and that my being without my medication that many days was going to land me in the hospital for 14 days in intensive care. Nor did I know that social security was going to stop my check. All of these things are a direct result of my decision to cash that one check which I didn't even get any cash from.
I literally had to go through the month of September and three weeks of October before I could get social security to issue me a check. But, not only not having any money or a place to stay was the end of the fallout that one event was to cause. Still trying to be true to my ideals and beliefs I still tried to help out another person who was struggling just as much as I was. The result of that led to me getting robbed and losing everything that I had with me when I went to jail and the few things I was able to acquire with my father's help when I got out of jail. When I got robbed my debit card was taken by the person who robbed me and now the credit union will not issue me a new debit card because you are only allowed 7 in a lifetime. This just further complicates things for me going forward, because my social security check is direct deposited into that account monthly and in order for me to get that money out of the bank I literally have to go into the branch and physically withdrawal the funds from a teller. Can you see what I mean when I talk to you about the far-reaching effects that one action had on my life? Can you also see how even now I am still dealing with the fallout from that single event?
I can't say that everything has turned out for the bad, like getting out of that house on Spruce and North Street. That living situation was bad and I could see absolutely no way of getting out of it. So that in itself may yet turn out to be a blessing, because had I not been arrested who is to say that I would not still be stuck in that living situation and that something worse could have happened to me. Because, with all the traffic going through that house and all the attention the police were beginning to show in it, I could be in prison or dead at this point.
Just keep in mind that sometimes our actions can have far ranging effects that we might not be able to see at the time we are doing it. Look at how 10 months later I am still feeling and dealing with the aftermath of cashing that one check. Some of the consequences I knew were coming but being on the street for months and dealing with my health and how hard it is to get my feet back underneath me were things I never thought of. Luckily, I have a very good friend who has reached out to me and told me that I can come and stay with him save up some money to rebuild everything that I have lost.
Because the weather has gotten cooler and I am currently in an extended stay hotel room that isn't too terribly bad I haven't rushed in to accepting my friends offer. I have no warm clothes, including no long pants or jeans. So I am wondering how I could move to North Florida without at least some of the things that I am lacking right now.
After going through all of this, I am more cautious about making decisions and I try to see how many of the far reaching effects my decisions will have on myself and those around me that are affected by any decision I may make. So when you start second guessing yourself and you feel in your heart that you should avoid doing. It may be your subconscious is trying to warn you of trouble that you have yet to identify might be looming just beyond sight.
Hard times can come out of nowhere with very little warning, but they could also come as the direct result of an action you committed or even the fallout that you couldn't have seen from doing that action. You just need to keep your head up and keep going things will get better. You may have to work hard to get back on your feet but once you do you will have a greater appreciation for everything you have worked hard to rebuild and a broader understanding of the cause and effect each of your actions have on yourself and those around you.
As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Uncle B
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
No where to run no where to hide
Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.
Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.
At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.
I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner herein the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me. As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction. Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.
It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.
What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me. Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.
So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.
What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me. Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.
So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.
As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Uncle B
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I used to look forward to the weekends....what happened?
Hey there my friends...I was thinking about this over the weekend and I realized that as I have gotten older I don't really look forward to the weekends any more and it got me to thinking about what had changed and why I feel such a difference today about weekends. Another thing that has also changed is my perception of time. I think one of the reasons why when I was younger that I looked forward to the weekends was because I was because school took up so much of my time when I was younger. I am not sure why or how my perception changed but it did. Time seems to have speeded up the older I have gotten, and there never seems to be enough time in my day now.
Think about it this way when you were in high school you had enough time to get your homework done and still go out and do things with your friends. Now, what has changed? The length of the day hasn't changed, there is still 24 hours in a day. You usually spent 8 hours in school and you usually work an 8 hour shift at work. Yet, you don't seem to have enough time to do everything you need to do. So do you know what has changed? Your brain has changed your perspective. Time its self hasn't changed you have. As you age you feel and experience time differently. As your mind matures you start focusing on different aspects of life than you did when you were a youth. An adult worries and thier brains are perceive time differently.
I assure you when you get older time will seem to speed up and you will be surprised to find that your days and months seem to fly by. You may wonder why that is from time to time, but it is because you are focused on bills, work and family and not on yourself and the things that you need to accomplish such as homework. Adults have so many things that they have going on that they have to divide and spend time on each item. We learn and use time management skills to deal with the myriad of responsibilites that we have to deal with. As we get older our minds look and experience time differently.
Now, I dread weekends and the reason why is because I have so many things on my mind that I have to do and weekends throw my life out of wack. Businesses are closed and I can't get things done like I can during the week. Weekends used to represent free time and going out to the clubs and having fun. But today I have too many bills and tasks that I am needing to get done and the lack of money to go out. Once upon a time I loved hanging out at clubs and drinking. But as I got older I lost the desire to go out all the time and luckily I found someone who isn't a bar fly.
For some reason I look forward to the end of the weekend so that I can get back to the work week so that I can handle business and doctors appointments. Especially now that I have become disabled. Maybe the reason why I dread weekends is because I can't get my medical stuff accomplished. Also because they represent boring long days with nothing for me to do. However, I bet if I had the resources to go out and do things my perspective might change how I feel about them.
Another thing that has come to my attention is that as we age our priorities tend to change and we look at things differently than we did before when we were children. Now that doesn't mean that we cannot have a childlike mentality or even be childlike in our behavior. Once we reach our teenage years everyone of us wishes that we are older and we often express a desire to grow up faster than we are. Yet, each of us looks back at our lives at some point and wish that we had done things a little different. Or we wished that we had the knowledge that we have now back when we were younger. It is true that we have to face the consequences of our actions and choices. It is also true that the experiences we have and the paths that we have taken have molded us into the people we are today.
It is my belief that as we grow older and our responsibilites change and we experience more of life we look at things from the bias that we have gotten or the filters that were created by the choices we have made. I also think that where we are at in life also plays a part in how we judge and look at things. Just because I dread weekends doesn't mean you will when you get to be my age. Honestly I think if I were still healthy and had the same job or equivalent position making the same or better money than I was before my idea of weekends would be totally different.
Therefore to answer my question what happened to make me dislike weekends, I woudl ahve to say that it is because of my lack of resources and my financial situation. My health also plays a big part of how I feel and look at things today. Please remember that you can change your perspective and look at things from a different angle and it could turn your life totally around.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Think about it this way when you were in high school you had enough time to get your homework done and still go out and do things with your friends. Now, what has changed? The length of the day hasn't changed, there is still 24 hours in a day. You usually spent 8 hours in school and you usually work an 8 hour shift at work. Yet, you don't seem to have enough time to do everything you need to do. So do you know what has changed? Your brain has changed your perspective. Time its self hasn't changed you have. As you age you feel and experience time differently. As your mind matures you start focusing on different aspects of life than you did when you were a youth. An adult worries and thier brains are perceive time differently.
I assure you when you get older time will seem to speed up and you will be surprised to find that your days and months seem to fly by. You may wonder why that is from time to time, but it is because you are focused on bills, work and family and not on yourself and the things that you need to accomplish such as homework. Adults have so many things that they have going on that they have to divide and spend time on each item. We learn and use time management skills to deal with the myriad of responsibilites that we have to deal with. As we get older our minds look and experience time differently.
Now, I dread weekends and the reason why is because I have so many things on my mind that I have to do and weekends throw my life out of wack. Businesses are closed and I can't get things done like I can during the week. Weekends used to represent free time and going out to the clubs and having fun. But today I have too many bills and tasks that I am needing to get done and the lack of money to go out. Once upon a time I loved hanging out at clubs and drinking. But as I got older I lost the desire to go out all the time and luckily I found someone who isn't a bar fly.
For some reason I look forward to the end of the weekend so that I can get back to the work week so that I can handle business and doctors appointments. Especially now that I have become disabled. Maybe the reason why I dread weekends is because I can't get my medical stuff accomplished. Also because they represent boring long days with nothing for me to do. However, I bet if I had the resources to go out and do things my perspective might change how I feel about them.
Another thing that has come to my attention is that as we age our priorities tend to change and we look at things differently than we did before when we were children. Now that doesn't mean that we cannot have a childlike mentality or even be childlike in our behavior. Once we reach our teenage years everyone of us wishes that we are older and we often express a desire to grow up faster than we are. Yet, each of us looks back at our lives at some point and wish that we had done things a little different. Or we wished that we had the knowledge that we have now back when we were younger. It is true that we have to face the consequences of our actions and choices. It is also true that the experiences we have and the paths that we have taken have molded us into the people we are today.
It is my belief that as we grow older and our responsibilites change and we experience more of life we look at things from the bias that we have gotten or the filters that were created by the choices we have made. I also think that where we are at in life also plays a part in how we judge and look at things. Just because I dread weekends doesn't mean you will when you get to be my age. Honestly I think if I were still healthy and had the same job or equivalent position making the same or better money than I was before my idea of weekends would be totally different.
Therefore to answer my question what happened to make me dislike weekends, I woudl ahve to say that it is because of my lack of resources and my financial situation. My health also plays a big part of how I feel and look at things today. Please remember that you can change your perspective and look at things from a different angle and it could turn your life totally around.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Positive Affirmations
I know that last summer we talked a great deal about positive thinking, positive energy, and positive living. We also talked about words and how they have power, they can either build or destroy depending on their usage. But, as I have found out over this year, these same words of power can have meaning all to themselves and can benefit you in your daily life. I call these affirmations, these are sayings that you tell yourself over and over again. You can post them on your mirror, or somewhere where you will see them often, and everytime you do say them aloud. These are positive tips that will help you, they will also help you maintain and keep your positive mental attitude for the day.
Remember that the more positive you put out in the world the more positive you get back. Just like everything else in life if you live what you say you are going to go far. Trust me when I tell you this. Many self-help teachers and authors will tell you that if you want to be successful you must live and breathe the part, the same is true with keeping a positive mental outlook. If you want to be positive you must live and be positive, there is no other way.
I have read books that tell you if you want to be a vice president of a company you must dress and act the part. This is important, the image that you create for yourself is in effect a construct of creative visualization. If you can imagine yourself in the part, you can manifest it in your life. The same thing is true by you using affirmations. If you tell yourself every morning that you are perfect and love yourself, eventually you will. I have told my friend who has major self-esteem problems that maybe he should get a tatoo around his collarbone that says LOVE THYSELF, but backwards so that each time he looks at himself in the mirror or takes a picture of himself he sees it. The more you see it and repeat it, the more energy you put into it and before you know it you are manifesting it in your life.
As I have told you before, one way that I prepare myself for the day is I get up every morning and I count my blessings one by one, and then I give thanks that I am able to live another day. My same friend that I mentioned above does something very similar except he says a prayer. Basically he thanks God for granting him another day and he says it seven times. I am not sure what the significance of 7 is to him, but I know that it brings him that much closer to God each and every time he says it.
Affirmations are simple little phrases or sayings that you can post on your walls at work, mirror, monitor or other places that your eyes look every day. They can be little things like "Smile You are Loved" or "Love thyself" or "Be Happy" or even "Today is a brand new beginning with no mistakes". Remember the more you say them, the more you begin to believe them and that gives them power.
No one should be able to make your feelings about yourself change. Others shouldn't be able to make you feel any certain way. Have confidence and self assurance that you know what you are doing and trust me it will show in everything you do. People respect and appreciate those that are confident and strong. When you make a decision stick with it. These are things that will help you grow and mature.
When someone else changes your mood or makes you feel inferior or self conscious you have given them way too much power over you and I beg you to take it back from them. Because they aren't doing you any good and adding much more stress to your day and your life. March to your own drum and keep your own goals and desires in the forefront of your mind. It is the only way to actually live.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Remember that the more positive you put out in the world the more positive you get back. Just like everything else in life if you live what you say you are going to go far. Trust me when I tell you this. Many self-help teachers and authors will tell you that if you want to be successful you must live and breathe the part, the same is true with keeping a positive mental outlook. If you want to be positive you must live and be positive, there is no other way.
I have read books that tell you if you want to be a vice president of a company you must dress and act the part. This is important, the image that you create for yourself is in effect a construct of creative visualization. If you can imagine yourself in the part, you can manifest it in your life. The same thing is true by you using affirmations. If you tell yourself every morning that you are perfect and love yourself, eventually you will. I have told my friend who has major self-esteem problems that maybe he should get a tatoo around his collarbone that says LOVE THYSELF, but backwards so that each time he looks at himself in the mirror or takes a picture of himself he sees it. The more you see it and repeat it, the more energy you put into it and before you know it you are manifesting it in your life.
As I have told you before, one way that I prepare myself for the day is I get up every morning and I count my blessings one by one, and then I give thanks that I am able to live another day. My same friend that I mentioned above does something very similar except he says a prayer. Basically he thanks God for granting him another day and he says it seven times. I am not sure what the significance of 7 is to him, but I know that it brings him that much closer to God each and every time he says it.
Affirmations are simple little phrases or sayings that you can post on your walls at work, mirror, monitor or other places that your eyes look every day. They can be little things like "Smile You are Loved" or "Love thyself" or "Be Happy" or even "Today is a brand new beginning with no mistakes". Remember the more you say them, the more you begin to believe them and that gives them power.
No one should be able to make your feelings about yourself change. Others shouldn't be able to make you feel any certain way. Have confidence and self assurance that you know what you are doing and trust me it will show in everything you do. People respect and appreciate those that are confident and strong. When you make a decision stick with it. These are things that will help you grow and mature.
When someone else changes your mood or makes you feel inferior or self conscious you have given them way too much power over you and I beg you to take it back from them. Because they aren't doing you any good and adding much more stress to your day and your life. March to your own drum and keep your own goals and desires in the forefront of your mind. It is the only way to actually live.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, November 12, 2012
Not Knowing Might Just Be a Good Thing!
I was talking with a friend today, telling him about how confusing life can be and how I don't know which direction I want to take my life in. It was then when I was talking to him that I realized it might not be a bad thing not knowing where I am going. I have tried the college thing, and sitting in an office thing. I have had many careers in my life, and each and everyone of them I didn't actually enjoy. There were some that I like more than others, there were some that definitely paid more than the one before. But, where was my happiness, enjoyment, fulfillment and passion? It wasn't too be had in any of the things I have done. Since I started writing again, I have found a peace and contentment that I haven't felt before. I feel a connection to each and everyone of my readers, and a sense of fulfillment I have never felt before.
This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can. This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you. So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place? I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them. I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me. I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.
Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair. I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens. I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy. It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.
But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey. Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant. The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way. Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them. I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled. But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward. So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet. I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.
I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision. See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying. It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it. Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot. How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't. Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new. Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't. If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on. You have to do for you. No one else is going to be able to do it for you. Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.
While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices. I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world? Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here. Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take. But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success. See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally. When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.
So what am I actually trying to tell you? I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it. Let me try and give you an example of what I mean. I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to. He has several choices and options that are open to him. He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places. Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision. He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him. Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh. If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different. See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder. He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution. Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.
You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move. Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.
Let me know if this helps any of you. I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can. This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you. So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place? I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them. I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me. I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.
Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair. I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens. I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy. It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.
But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey. Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant. The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way. Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them. I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled. But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward. So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet. I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.
I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision. See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying. It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it. Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot. How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't. Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new. Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't. If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on. You have to do for you. No one else is going to be able to do it for you. Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.
While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices. I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world? Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here. Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take. But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success. See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally. When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.
So what am I actually trying to tell you? I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it. Let me try and give you an example of what I mean. I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to. He has several choices and options that are open to him. He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places. Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision. He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him. Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh. If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different. See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder. He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution. Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.
You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move. Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.
Let me know if this helps any of you. I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, November 9, 2012
What is going on in the minds of young people today?
I got a disturbing phone call from my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this morning, and it again pointed me in the direction of what is wrong with our youth and young people today. The other day's post was also from a young person (girl in that case) but these two topics have brought me full circle to a thought that has been going around in my head for several days. What is going on with the young people today? Why do they think that someone owes them something? Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? Why do they think that they can live off of another person? How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? I am going to attempt to explore all of this and a bit more in this article and you chime in and tell me if you agree/disagree or what your opinions are on this subject. Keep in mind that I am writing this from my perspective, and from my own vast experiences dealing with a group of young African-American men in Atlanta and again in Florida before I moved to Atlanta. I am coming from my past experiences and this has no reflection or bearing on individuals that I have been dealing with this year. I will also explain why I have made this distinction and where my mind and heart is at in this entry.
It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of. It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves. In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together. This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way. But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work. It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them. Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this. I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that. I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean. Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all. They could be black, white, purple, green, red, or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want. They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there. Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store. I have seen it done. I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that. He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.
Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling. They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive. Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients. How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot. Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly. Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies. Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion. Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally. They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.
In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run. Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on. But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people. Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught. Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules. I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about. It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.
There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming. Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way. More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty. Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security. What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved. I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing. Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison. What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.
Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets. Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both. They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in. Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing. There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors. Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth. Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay. Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming. But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.
Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well. People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt. I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female. I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to. He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle. Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time. However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him. For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail. During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy. In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move. The damage was done.
Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds. He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us. Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life. I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people. He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet. What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen. See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high. His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.
I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences. The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown. The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you. The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do? You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on. Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it. Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction. Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others. It isn't going to be pretty! But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling? They are going to be affected by it too.
I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street. I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year. Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets. As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand. I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive. I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down. I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix. I have been there experienced it and got out.
As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts. I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own. He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida. However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs. So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.
So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in. They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown. Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of. Why do they think that they can live off of another person? They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that. They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them. Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first. Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage. They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them. When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing. What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena. The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them. Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.
Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it. How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way. But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.
I also want you to keep this in mind. Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed. But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness. Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of. It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves. In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together. This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way. But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work. It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them. Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this. I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that. I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean. Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all. They could be black, white, purple, green, red, or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want. They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there. Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store. I have seen it done. I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that. He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.
Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling. They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive. Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients. How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot. Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly. Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies. Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion. Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally. They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.
In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run. Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on. But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people. Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught. Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules. I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about. It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.
There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming. Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way. More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty. Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security. What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved. I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing. Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison. What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.
Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets. Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both. They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in. Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing. There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors. Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth. Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay. Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming. But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.
Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well. People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt. I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female. I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to. He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle. Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time. However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him. For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail. During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy. In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move. The damage was done.
Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds. He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us. Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life. I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people. He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet. What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen. See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high. His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.
I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences. The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown. The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you. The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do? You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on. Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it. Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction. Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others. It isn't going to be pretty! But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling? They are going to be affected by it too.
I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street. I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year. Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets. As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand. I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive. I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down. I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix. I have been there experienced it and got out.
As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts. I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own. He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida. However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs. So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.
So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in. They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown. Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of. Why do they think that they can live off of another person? They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that. They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them. Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first. Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage. They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them. When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing. What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena. The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them. Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.
Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it. How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way. But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.
I also want you to keep this in mind. Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed. But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness. Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Advice to a friend
What I would like for you to take away from this is that everyone is struggling these days, there isn't a whole lot of money to go around and we have to make smart educated choices so that we can make the most out of the money we do have at our disposal. My friend's father sent her an email the other day when she asked him for help with money and bills. Here is the letter that he wrote to her and my response. I would like to see what you think of the advice both her father and I gave her.
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
Please keep in mind that what your Dad said was given out of pure love and total honesty. I know that what he said hurts and makes you want to dig in harder to just prove him wrong. But on the off chance that he is right are you prepared to face the consequences?
You have to keep in mind that every choice or action we choose that there is a direct and dire reward/consequence we have to accept for them. Now, your father gave you two options but there are actually quite a bit more that might be open too you depending on the situation. There is one thing that will change depending on staying in Cali or returning to GA, which is residency. This is a major thing as far as school is concerned. If you were to go back to GA you could enroll and start school without any waiting, you can take out the maximum amount of financial aid each semester and have enough money for books and tuition plus living expenses. You would also qualify for either student housing on or off campus at a much reduced price to accommodate the amount you would get in financial aid. I am only putting this out there because I know what you are trying to accomplish you and I have talked about this. (Remember I was the Financial Aid Director at American InterContinental University in Atlanta for several years).
If you stay in Cali you have to wait till you become a resident to qualify for instate tuition and the extra tacked on for being an out of state transfer student would eat up any of the extra funding you would get for housing. In Atlanta you wouldn't have that extra tacked on. The second option that your father gave you was the Military any branch of service. Now it is true that you would have to complete your basic training (boot camp) and your first series of schools before being sent to your duty station. However, that is education that is worth something to you. For several reasons and let me explain why....not only will it give you job skills that you can and will use in the course of your military career, it also will give you real world practical experience and will help you when you get out and are looking for work. But the other side of that coin is all military training is worth college credit hours too you and can be applied to any school that you want them too. You only have to wait a total of 9 months (approximately some training is more and some less in the military) before you are sent to your first duty station. Once you are assigned a duty station and have reported. You will probably need to take a bit of time and get used to your duty schedule and rotation. Once you have that under your belt and know when and what you are going to be doing. You can apply to a College in the area in which you are stationed. You can apply your military work toward college credit and be that much further ahead in your degree work, it also primes you for going into the Officer Candidacy program...more pay, better benefits and choice duty stations while you are in the military. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do both at the same time.
Now here are some other things to consider. You just graduated High School in June right? You haven't been out of school that long, you have accomplished a lot. You have gotten yourself all the way to California, got a place to stay and are doing okay for yourself. Money is tight an you are struggling, and are having a problem finding jobs. Am I correct in those assumptions so far?
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
2 other possibilities remain, now keep in mind any of the things that I am writing to you about can happen in GA or CA it doesn't matter you qualify for the help. You can also check out JobCorp, a lot of people think they only help with High School and practical training. JobCorp also has college type of campuses so you can check them out. You can also check out the Vocational Rehabilitation program and see if you qualify. You may not because you haven't been out of work for a year, but you never know till you try. The other thing that you need to check into is working for some temporary agencies. I am sure that you can find a good job with one of those. I know I did when I first started out. I got so good at typing I can type 65 words a minute on a good keyboard. I know Microsoft office products like the back of my hand and a whole bunch of other stuff...i just went into a temporary agency applied and kept taking their tests till I was good enough to pass them and before you know it I was making 10 to 15 dollars an hour.
I am not telling you to give up your hopes and dreams. I am not telling you that you should go back to GA. I want you to make that decision on your own. But I also want you to be honest with yourself and try like I have told you to change your perspective and look at the situation from every possible angle with logic and not emotion. I want you to realize that what your daddy said was done out of love and concern for you and your welfare and not out of a genuine desire to not help you. He wants to set you up for success and keep you from failing. If you stay in CA you maybe just setting yourself up for failure because before you have even started anything, job, school or anything else you are already burdened down with debt...That can truly keep you behind the 8 ball and keep you from succeeding. Once you fall behind you stay behind, retreating and regrouping is a common strategy used by the military and it works. It gives you the resources close at hand to journey back out and attack with full force. You can only attack with half force if you are divided by financial concerns. Just keep that in mind.
Whatever way you decide to go there are many more options than the ones presented here, you just have to change your perception and perspective enough to see all the different possibilities. Because there are an infinite number, you just have to see them to be able to make an informed choice. Because you don't want to pay for a bad choice later.
I would like to put this in my blog for today if you don't mind. I would like to use what your dad wrote to you from your post and my response to you if you wouldn't mind. Let me know please! I think what you are going through a lot of other young people are also struggling with and this could help them to look at their situation and make informed choices.
Each of us makes decisions and choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes it is hard for younger people to understand that, they haven't experienced enough of life yet. But as I keep telling everyone, there are more solutions than just two. For every problem there is an infinite number of solutions and that makes for a lot of different possibilities. We have to be able to make rational and realistic evaluations of the problem to come up with workable solutions. I talked to my friend today and she has decided to take a combination of what her dad and I advised her to do and came up with a really workable solution and a sound plan of action which should work out very well for her.
All it takes is looking at the problem from all different angles, change that perception and perspective and see it for what it really is.
Here is what she decided to do: No a matter of fact now that I think about it I'm going to do all three...go to Savannah state to build up my college credits then transfer if into the military ..Then get a job down there and save up my money as well for back up and emergencies
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, October 12, 2012
Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!
I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend. Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked. The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month. This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week. However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out. But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned. When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go. Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed. Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.
I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff. I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place. Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away. Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it. Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out? Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August. He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out. Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway. Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out. If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently. As it is for right now I am good.
This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one. If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on. Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself. So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again. The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned. I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.
Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on. Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move. See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages. Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks. By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.
I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this. When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly. Trust that God and the universe will take care of you. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment. Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you. If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this. I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable. Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.
Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me. But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me. I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back. But once again there has been no response. I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me. But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own. Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.
This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents. I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months. Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life. I am excited and happy about all of this. A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me. Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing. This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.
Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one. Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.
I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff. I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place. Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away. Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it. Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out? Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August. He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out. Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway. Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out. If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently. As it is for right now I am good.
This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one. If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on. Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself. So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again. The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned. I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.
Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on. Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move. See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages. Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks. By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.
I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this. When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly. Trust that God and the universe will take care of you. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment. Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you. If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this. I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable. Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.
Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me. But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me. I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back. But once again there has been no response. I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me. But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own. Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.
This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents. I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months. Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life. I am excited and happy about all of this. A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me. Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing. This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.
Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one. Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.
I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, October 5, 2012
Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.
When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition. College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror. Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad. What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life. See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, October 1, 2012
Why are some of us travelers and others are builders? Even today we still have our nomads..read and see what I mean
Well for those of you who are avid readers of my blog you will note that September was an awful month for me with tons of set backs and of course the blog suffered for it greatly. As many of you are aware I took an unexpected trip to Atlanta that didn't turn out at all as was planned or expected. However, I will say that a few decent things came out of the trip, some are note worthy and will be explored more in-depth here in the annals of blogdom. However for today's entry I want to take you on the trip that I had to see the doctor this morning. Because for some reason on these trips is when my brain seems to go into hyper-drive and I think of some of the most obscure and deep rooted thoughts. Maybe it is the open road and my love to travel that opens my mind up to the inner and outer awareness and consciousness that I need to focus my mind and intellect into.
Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort. While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand. I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty. The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War. She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more. It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships. Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot. We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.
My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you. I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done. I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything. It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did. Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career. I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.
But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time. However, as all good things do it passed. I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer. In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me. This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be. But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build. I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in. Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently. One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years. See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with. This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook. But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.
The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed. It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow. Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology. See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments. There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past. However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era. Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals. There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into. There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses. Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps. Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data. See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.
If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others. But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes. Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck. But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.
What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected. I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet, I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.
I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet. Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits. The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life. So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them. Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible. Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away. It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today. I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.
What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack. Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often. But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with. Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly. Or at least in my case that is what I do. As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots? Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now? Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive. I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations. This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.
I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition. Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one. I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on. Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life. I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money. Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things. I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.
I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it. But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others. So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker. But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.
The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of. If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order. Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it. Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it. Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom. Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did. Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness. The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.
Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for. You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at. In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you. Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.
As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort. While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand. I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty. The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War. She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more. It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships. Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot. We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.
My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you. I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done. I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything. It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did. Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career. I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.
But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time. However, as all good things do it passed. I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer. In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me. This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be. But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build. I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in. Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently. One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years. See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with. This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook. But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.
The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed. It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow. Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology. See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments. There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past. However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era. Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals. There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into. There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses. Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps. Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data. See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.
If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others. But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes. Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck. But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.
What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected. I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet, I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.
I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet. Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits. The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life. So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them. Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible. Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away. It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today. I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.
What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack. Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often. But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with. Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly. Or at least in my case that is what I do. As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots? Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now? Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive. I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations. This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.
I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition. Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one. I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on. Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life. I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money. Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things. I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.
I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it. But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others. So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker. But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.
The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of. If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order. Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it. Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it. Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom. Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did. Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness. The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.
Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for. You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at. In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you. Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.
As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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