Holiday Let Down

Every year after the Holiday's the nation goes through a huge merchandise return period, followed by the yearly let down that people begin to feel as their family and friends leave and head home.  Refrigerators are filled with leftovers and the nation goes through a period of feeling bloated and wishing that they hadn't over eaten.

This yearly cycle starts right around Thanksgiving and goes pretty much up till New Years.  Every year we go through the motions of stating our New Year's resolutions and for some of us we struggle for months trying to keep them.  Some give up in a day or two, others try to keep up with them longer, but eventually they are usually all broken by June.

I didn't have any big expectations for this year at Christmas, my partner was in Jail and I was spending the holiday's with my two best friends and called all my family and friends that I could think of.  But other than that I just wanted a quiet time to myself and read my books then deal with a lot of people filled with cheer and gift giving.

Unfortunately, things don't always pan out as they are planned, I had thought that I would have enough money to pay my phone bill this week and keep it from getting shut off, but unfortunately, my funding fell through and it looks like my phones are going to end up being turned off till I get paid on the 3rd of January.

This put's a wrinkle in my plans in keeping in touch with my partner.  It also limits me on some of my other plans that I had going on for the end of the year. But in the end everything is going to be alright eventually.  I am not too worried at this moment. I am trying to get things situated to so that I can move into a new place after the first of the year.  I am hoping that with all my planning and working through Miracle of Love to get into a very nice place works out smoothly so that by the time the dust settles and the partner is home that the new place is ready to move into.

I have also taken this time this holiday season to apply at Lyft and Uber trying to drive with one of them.  Unfortunately,  my background check came back with some issues and I had to send in to get them disputed and corrected.  So I am back in the waiting phase for that.  I have also put in my application to AT&T through Spring Mobile who I used to work for in Jacksonville and I am hoping that I hear something back about going back to work for them.  I really enjoyed my position in Jacksonville and I have been trying to get back in with them since they let me go due to faulty information that they pulled during my background check.

All in all the new year is looking much better and more hopeful then 2018 did.  Yet, with the holiday let down and my mood being all over the place, I have been strolling down memory lane lately and going through old posts and pictures from Facebook and Twitter and other areas of my life.  I started reaching out to people from my past trying to rekindle lost friendships and relationships along the way.  I think that getting back in touch with people that have meant something to me in the past is an important part of how I am going to move forward.  Now that I am 50 I realize that I am missing out on a lot of their lives and I feel alone at times.

For the most part the contact has been positive and well received and I am looking forward to what the future may bring with the coming months and even years as we progress on a new journey of friendship and companionship.  I look forward to reaching people who from my distant past seemed to have drifted away and I haven't heard from in years. We will see if things pan out the way I hope and pray they will.

Don't let the post party let down get to you.  Don't feel like you have screwed up irreparably your diet because you indulged during your family gatherings, you have a whole year to lose those pounds that you have gained.  Family and friends are just a call or text away, and you can stay in touch with them easier now more than ever.  With technology the way it is today there should be no reason why you can't keep in touch with those that are important to you.  Life is full of unexpected moments and we need to realize and take advantage of them as they happen. 

The year is winding down and things are finally drawing to a close for 2018.  It is time to start looking forward to 2019 and all the excitement and adventures that it will bring to your life.  Forget about everything that you went through in 2018 because it is over and done now and can't be changed even if you wanted to.  That is what is funny about the past it is the only thing that is set in stone and can't be changed! The future is fluid and elastic and isn't written till you stumble through it.  We don't even know that we are in it till it is past.  Because the present is constantly changing and fluxing as we make decisions.  Our feet may be on the path, but until you take a step the present doesn't change to the past.  Just think about it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Leave it alone!

I know that I have talked to you extensively in 2012 about the past, but something has been in my spirit today and God has been telling me that I needed to put this back out there for someone.  I am not sure who you are, but I am positive that God wants you to remember this simple fact.

So tonight I am going to talk to you about the past.  See there is nothing you can do to change the past, what has happened cannot be changed no matter what you wish.  I have to tell you that when you look back over your life, you are going to see so many things that you will want to change.  But the secret here is that you can do nothing but change whatever it is inside of you that made you act that way.  It was your actions, choices, deeds and who you hung around that influenced those actions that caused those mistakes.  If you truly want to learn and change then you have to self reflect, you have to do some deep soul searching. The answer is right there inside of you.  You have to change yourself, change your environment, change those that you associate with.  In other words, if you are truly serious about change you need to start over, reinvent yourself.  Take those pains and aches of the past and turn them around.  Know that you can, you are the only one that has that power.  Remember looking backwards is 20/20, you can see everything when you look backwards.  Here is something that you might not realize, but the past starts right now, this very moment. You have to understand that everything up until this exact moment is your past.  For we do not know what the next minute will bring, but because we are here and looking at this the present and the past must at some point must be one.

You cannot step forward, move into a new relationship or try anything new if you are carrying the baggage of  your past with you.  It will weigh you down and throw more stumbling blocks in your way at every turn.  You have to accept the past and accept that you can do nothing about it. You may be able to learn from it and change the way you act if a similar situation comes your way.  However, I have to tell you if you keep picking up that baggage no one is going to be able to handle all that you bring to the table. It will overwhelm those you are trying to start something with. So it is very important to forgive yourself and others so that you have the closure you need so that you can move on.  Once you have closure you can drop those bags from the past that are weighing you down so heavily.  Forgiveness is for you and you alone.  Surrender your self-pity, and regain your self-esteem because you achieve balance by seeking knowledge. Truth and harmony are right there for you to pick up and take forward with you, but if your hands are full with your baggage of the past how can you pick up anything else?

You have to remember yesterday is dead and gone.  You must deal with it as you do with all the things from your past, you must walk this walk alone.  Remember that God is just a call away and will help take that burden off of your shoulders, but you have to be 100 percent honest with yourself and Him.  Keep in mind that tomorrow has yet to begin and anticipate the journeys that may come to you on the new dawn.  Adventure awaits the souls that are free, and who live in the moment.  Time has no meaning now as the divine descends upon you.  In the morning all things seem possible, there are no mistakes it is a clean new day.  The slate has been cleansed and you get to start all over again.  God will never ever give you more than you can handle.  All the turmoil, adversity, hurt, and loss only serve to make you stronger.  They give you hope for a new day and new start.  Give thanks for the adversity that comes to you, because the next time you will have the knowledge and the strength to withstand it.

No one ever promised that life was easy.  Who told you that you would only have a garden full of roses?  If you had just roses the thorns would be so sharp that you wouldn't be able to enjoy them at all.  But your garden is full of flowers, weeds, bees and so many other things. It is the variety and the spice that gives us adventure and life.  Make the most of every day because they are a gift from God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Are you Insane?

I have always thought that a little bit of crazy would carry me far in the world today.  But, now I am realizing that I am not crazy, I am totally insane.  Follow me on this, I handle each confrontation with humor.  I am a person that doesn't like to confront anyone. It is so bad, that I sometimes suppress my emotions and hold them in.  Let me tell you that it wasn't good for me or anyone around me.  Because I was hiding how I felt from everyone, it stayed bottled up inside of me. The least little thing that someone did would trigger an emotional and very verbally damaging barrage.  I realized that I wasn't even really angry with the person, I was just taking out the pain and bitterness I was harboring on them.  Not a good thing at all.  It is never a good idea to bottle up your emotions like that, because you will find yourself like I did blowing up at the wrong person at the wrong time.  Hell, they didn't really do anything major it was just a trigger.

Today, I hold nothing in. I tell you exactly how I feel and the brutal honest truth.  Because I believe that I owe you only the truth.  Because if I don't tell you the truth about whatever is going on and you find out from someone else guess who you are going to  be mad at?  It is going to be me.  So, when I was recently diagnosed as being terminal.  I decided that life is to short to go around sugar coating things.  If I can't tell you the truth about yourself or a situation then am I really your friend?  Throughout the blog I keep telling you that the way to keep a relationship together is a multi-part process.  I believe that it starts with you.  You have to be brutally honest to yourself and stop rationalizing things and lying to yourself.  When you do that you are going to feel so much better about yourself.  Things are probably going to start falling into place and you are going to find that there are less things to find fault about in the world.  The second part of the equation is open and direct communication.  Most of us aren't mind readers and we honestly don't have a clue what is going on in your heart or your head.  No one wants to get hurt, and we try to protect ourselves by telling that little white lie.  It does no one any good to tell people exactly what you think they want to hear.  Actions speak louder than words my friend.

You maybe wondering what all of this has to do with insanity?  Well, I guess I should explain what I mean when I ask you if you are insane.  Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result each time".  It is my contention that we are creatures of habit. We figure out a way to do something an easy way or what we think is an easy way.  We continue to do it that way and it becomes part of your routine and if done long enough you will become set in your way and won't accept any other way to complete that task.  I can tell you that I met a woman like that just recently, for 66 years she did the same things over and over again. She has a certain way she puts stuff in her washer, as well as set ideas on cooking and cleaning and everything else. But, here is the rub with this lady, she has been diagnosed with ALS and can no longer take care of herself.  I was asked to help take care of her for a week.  Boy, I was glad to leave because I am used to doing things my own way and it irritated me that she wanted me to redo everything her way.  I am not good at doing things twice.

Okay, but as I was saying we are creatures of habit, and if you as you observe a person for any length of time you will notice the pattern of behavior of that person.  I have noticed that some women are attracted to the same type of guys over and over again. Even though they have been hurt by that type over and over again.  Think about this:  You are standing on the cereal isle at your favorite store.  You are looking at the packaging and they all look different, but surprise when you open the box the inside are the same corn flakes.  Another, example is that I have reached out my hand to help certain people from my past, and got burned over and over again.  Men are also attracted to certain types of people as well, and we all have preferences.  So, what happens we end up dating not necessarily the same person, but the same type of person.  Then the comparisons start between your last relationship and the present one, and we know that no two relationships can ever be exactly alike.  Different people and different circumstances.

I was trying to help out a young friend of mine that I met about a year ago, when I had first met him he was only smoking herb, and when I got out of the nursing home he was totally screwed up, he was stuck with a bad habit and addiction.  He and his girlfriend are both 18 and he has gotten her pregnant, and he is addicted to crack. This has caused terrible problems for his girlfriend and her baby because he can't be responsible adult and help support his family, she is the one working and getting money which he spends up as fast as she can make it.  I have tried to help him out, get him into a rehab program.  He refused and what happened.  He stole my computer and my tablet, which I ended up having to buy back.  Several weeks later he ended up stealing my sterling silver rings.  Once that happened I had to change my pattern of behavior and tell him he can't come around my house anymore.  I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

So am I insane? Yes, because I keep giving out my heart and trying to help people and so many times I have been hurt. I finally have realized that they were using my kindness for granted and using me.  I can't do this again, because the results are usually the same, I end up getting hurt because I have invested time and energy on helping others. Everyone tells me that I am a strong person because I still talk to my ex and have helped him out from time to time when he needed it, even though he is dating someone else now.  Also, I have become friends with his new partner. True insanity is making the same mistakes over and over again hoping that someone will understand and help you break free from the pattern and habits that are holding you in place.

Just keep in mind that insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Make sure that you break out of your habits and patterns, because they keep you stuck in a rut. Crazy is my way to deal with the mundane pitfalls and obstacles that come your way. If you  keep your head up and a positive mental attitude.  There is nothing that you can't overcome and accomplish.  Remember whatever the Mind can Conceive and Believe you will Achieve.

In order to get to the next level in life you have to become content with where you are at in life, and comfortable with what you have got.  When you reach this state, I believe you are going to find that you have everything you need right in front of you.  This my friends is called Prosperity.

No one is perfect, yet we seek an ideal in a relationship, a concept of what we think we want, and yet how can anyone measure up to an image that they know nothing about.  You have to be flexible and roll with the punches if you are in a relationship, if you don't the patterns are just going to continue to repeat and you are going to find the same thing happening all over again.  If you truly are going to conquer insanity you have to keep moving forward, and let go of your preconceptions and take some risks, you have to break the rigidity that comes with having ingrained habits, be willing and open to change and even try something new or different.  Look for patterns of behavior, seek them out and physically change them.  You have to step out of the box, take a chance on trying something new and wild. You might be surprised that the one you were looking for was right in front of you the whole time, but you were so wrapped up in yourself and the same boring outlook that you have totally missed an opportunity to blossom and experience true love.  Patterns and rigid habits can keep you in a stagnant environment doing the same monotonous things over and over again and getting no fulfillment or joy out of it.  If you are not happy with the life you have then get up and do something about it. Because only you can make the necessary changes.

So, now you tell me are you insane?  I know that I am sometimes, but now that I have realized my pattern and my problem I am going to make that change.  Walk with me on this new road lets see where it will take us and where we end up...I think it will be fun.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Reflections of the past

Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's  of my life.  I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did.  Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?

These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta.  I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it.  They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you.   Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.

I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way.  I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.

See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused.  I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way.  I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer.  I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.

I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past.  Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!

It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move.  Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change.  It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away.  As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past.  Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.

I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature.  I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter.  When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want.  Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be.  I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.

I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends.  See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me.  So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.

Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more.  So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has.  I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward.  We shall see mon a'mi!

Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair.  Please don't let your fears keep you in place.  Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.

A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer.  I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him.  I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward.  I have to let go totally of the past and move on.  Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened.  Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.

Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment.  Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How to deal with life's unexpected pitfalls!

Recently I had another stop in at my favorite hangout, the hospital.  Now for those of  you that really know me, you know how I despise hospitals and will do everything in my power to avoid having to go.  But what do you do if life unexpectedly hands you a bunch of lemons and you end up where you hate?  In most of the cases that I know of we plod along and do our best with the circumstances we find ourselves in.  No matter what situation you find yourself in there is no possible way that you can take into consideration every eventuality that might befall you.  No one ever plans to have their health deteriorate or fail on them.  No one ever plans on having cancer, or having your kidneys fail.  There is no hard set fast plan that you can have in place to take these things into account.

But if you find yourself in one of these types of situations, (which I hope and pray you don't) you might have to buckle down and look to yourself and your family for support and guideance.  If you don't have a support network that you can call on and depend upon, then I recommend you create one for yourself.  I also would advise you to take the time and research what health options you have and treatments that others have found successful in dealing with similar conditions or situations.  Also reach out into your community and see if there isn't a support group or other type of organization that hasn't been formed to help you deal with what you are going through.  These types of groups can help you and your family members come to terms with what you are going through. They are also great sources of help and inspiration, because you can learn from others who have survived and gone through similar situations.  Their testimonies and experiences can give you the hope and help that you need to fight whatever you are going through.

Sometimes the thing that you need is just to have another person listen to what you are going through, they may not necessarily be able to give you the support and strength you need but they can lend you a shoulder to cry on and a strong ear to talk to about what you are going through.  No matter what your circumstances there is always going to be someone out there that has gone through something similar or have some type of advice that will help you through.  Support groups and supplemental agencies such as the American Cancer Society will also have resources that you might be able to call upon in your times of need.

Never discount your friends, those people that are always with you and surround you.  Their support and love will provide you with the strength and courage you need to face the crisis upon which you find yourself.  Always keep firmly in mind that no matter what doctors are only human, they make mistakes and they cannot see the future, and they are not the final word on your condition. God is the "Great Physician", He is the ultimate Healer and the architect of our lives.  Remember that God has a plan for you and your life.  Every hurt, pain and situation that you find yourself in are all part of His Divine Plan for your life and are experiences that we can learn and grow from.

I have learned through my own life and illnesses, that God's Plan and Will are sometimes hidden and subtle.  We must learn and live through each experience to recieve and comprehend the lessons that we are being taught.  Experience has taught me that God has different kinds of love for each of us.  Sometimes God's love is a restraining love, this type of love is where we are put into situations in order for us to learn and grow from.  Moses and Jonah had to learn and were restrained from moving forward until their lessons were learned. I believe that even today God teaches us with this same type of restraining love.  No matter where you find yourself you should research and explore the entire situation, because the lesson you might have to learn is how to witness about how you have overcome that situation.  God has called each of us to be "Fishers of Men" which means we are all called to tell others of our testimony, to talk about those things that we have been brought through and delivered from.  These are the stories and inspiration that help others to see the love and strength that God gives us. God also has a deep and abiding love that protects us and nurtures us in our times of despair and need.

As I said earlier it is your support network, which is made of family and friends that is going to help you through your trial or illness.  However, you must understand that not all of the people that you consider friends are actually going to be there for you.  It is during your times of illness and stress that you will find out who your true friends are.  They are going to the ones that are there for you and whom you can depend upon.  These are the ones that have your best interests at heart and are always in your corner pulling for you.   They offer words of motivation and encouragement, they are the ones that come to visit you in the hospital, send you cards and do little things for you to make your life easier.  Do not be discouraged if some of the people you once considered a friend don't come to visit you or have any meaningful input, because these are the ones that you can cut away from your life.  They take away more from you than they give.  Sad to say but those that want more of your attention and are needy without regard to what you are going through are the ones that you can do without in your life.

No one ever said life was going to be easy, that you were never going to have bad or hard times.  These are the times when life's lessons help us build character and shape and mold the way we live and treat life and those that are around us.  So many people have interesting stories if you just take the time to listen and get to know them.  My partner and I walk every morning here in Daytona, and it is on these walks that we have met and gotten to know some very interesting people.  There is a woman that we have met on several mornings who gets out and walks 2 to 3 miles a day.  This morning she was telling us that up until last year she was walking 5 miles a day.  Which is very remarkable because next month she is going to be 80 years old.  Even today she was out making her 2 to 3 mile trek which is truly inspiring because she told us that she had recently shattered her left foot and her hip had deteriorated over the past couple of years and had to have a hip replacement.

As with all things in this life our mental health is just as important to our physical health as is a good diet and exercise.  See with a positive outlook your health and stamina will also improve. It is my belief that our mind is a very powerful thing and with the proper adjustments in attitude we can actually help in our healing process.  A positive outlook on life is going to keep you moving forward and help lesson the stress on your body which inturn significantly increases the body's ability to heal.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Never limit yourself

I am always amazed when I hear people saying things like "I don't like that" or "I can't be friends with you because you are too old".  I guess because it has never been said to me personally yet at this point in my life. See I guess I have what you call good genes, because I look younger than I am by ten years or so I have been told.  It doesn't hurt that I don't act my age, and on most occasions I am surrounded by people half my age.  But it doesn't just stop there, all sorts of people make snap judgments and stick with them as fact.  My brother and father do it all the time, they refuse to try something new, they say they don't like it but have never in fact tried it.  How can you know that you don't like something if you don't try it?  In my mind it isn't possible to not like something if you haven't tried it.  Making snap judgments may just keep you from experiencing something that is truly memorable.  When practiced on people it will cause you to build a false perception of someone, which when you finally get to know the person, that perception you created from your judgment shatters and you are forced to reevaluate the person under the new understanding of them that you have gained from getting to know them.

My advice to you is that you might find that if you are open to experimentation and adventure you are open to a whole host of new experiences and ideas that were once closed off to you.  Keep in mind that if you try something and you don't like it you don't have to go back or do it again.  But if you keep yourself closed off to new possibilities you might be missing out on living a full life.  For those of you who limit your circle of friends based on age, weight, looks or religion you could be missing out on meeting someone very special in your life.  See, I am a firm believer that everyone that comes into your life comes for a reason, either they have something to teach you, or you can teach them something, or they could be the best friend that you could ever have.  There is nothing saying in life that you have to like or date everyone that comes into your life, those are preferences and they are okay.  What I am trying to talk about here are friendships, casual relationships, not sexual ones.  Sexual relationships are a bit different because there has to be attraction, and something that you like about the person for them to happen.

Friendships are important and you need to be open and receptive to everyone that comes into your life. Because people are colorful, vibrant and bring depth and texture into your life.  I have told you guys before in past entries that you never know where a casual encounter can take you.  By limiting your scope of experience in trying new things, new people, and gauging them by limitations that you impose on them you run the risk of never getting to know true friendship and the joy of truly living.  You may even be surprised that once you get past your the limitations you imposed upon yourself, you might find that you like and are attracted to new things and different types of people.

I would like to remind each of you that age is only a state of mind. You are only as old as you think and feel you are.  Some young people tend to shy away from meeting and becoming friends with older people because they think that they will have nothing in common.  But you might be surprised how well you might get along with someone older, that you can talk to them easier and have more in common than you could ever have thought.  Further, especially in the gay community young people automatically think that when an older person approaches them that they are only interested in sex.  You might be surprised that it is the people that are your same age that have sex constantly on their mind.  Once you have sex with them, they are out of there, and in reality you had nothing in common with them at all.  Just because someone is older than you doesn't mean that they only want your body.  Yes it does happen sometimes, but most of the time they want get to know you, have been watching you and think that they might be able to guide you or offer you advice or want to help you.

As I was writing this it dawned on me that we allow ourselves to be limited by not only our own imposed limitations, but also the limitations put on us by others.  An example of that would be, that I had always wanted to explore my talents more, I was told by my parents that a person couldn't make money using their artistic abilities, and of course I believed them.  It wasn't until I was much older and had ended a career in Computer Information Technology field that I learned how wrong they were on that point.  I write now and do so full time, it started out as a hobby and has become so much more than that now.  Don't let other people dictate limitations on you, explore your creative side, enjoy life, and be passionate about what you do.  What you are going to find out by doing so is, that whatever you are passionate about, will make you happy and fulfill you in such away that you are going to feel good about yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that money is going to find and follow you if you follow your heart and your passion.  People are going to see it in your work and feel it when they are around you and that is going to draw income towards you.

Life is too short to arbitrarily dismiss something because you are unsure, or someone has told you something. You owe it to yourself to go out there and explore, try something new, be adventurous, and if there is something that you find that you don't like, or aren't into, then by all means don't pursue it anymore.  Like I said when I started this entry you can't alienate someone because you think they are too old, too fat, too nerdy, or whatever other criteria you impose on yourself and them.  Because believe it or not if you give them half the chance they might surprise you and bring something into your life that you never thought possible.  Again, I am not saying that you have to sleep with them, but to discount them off hand without giving them a chance or the benefit of the doubt is limiting to yourself and cutting yourself off from their wisdom, experience and of course their friendship.  Take a chance, not everyone that is old, acts old, or is actually old.  Some young people may have old souls and seem mature beyond their years, are you going to eliminate them too?  Keep in mind that every person you meet, every encounter that you experience and adventure you embark upon you can learn and grow from.  Life is a series of growing spurts.  I was young and foolish once and thought that I would never have friends older than me.  How wrong I was about that, and I think back on some of the decisions I made and wonder what kind of friendships I might have nurtured and cultivated if I had just been open and receptive to trying and experiencing new things. Have you ever heard the term don't knock it till you try it.  That goes with food, adventures, people, new things and everything else in life.  How are you seriously going to know if you don't like something if you never get out there and experience it or try it.

I can tell you now my eyes are open, and I am friends with everyone. I don't make snap judgments these days, and I have friends of all age ranges and I am a happier more rounded person because I do have them in my life.

Give a person a chance, get to know them, see for yourself what I am talking about.  I think you will thank me that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)

As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured.  But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year.  I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds.  This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here.  It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you.  Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously.  However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed.  There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.

I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year.  This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me.  I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days.  I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart.  This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared.  Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning.  I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit.  I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week.  To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area.  I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area.  I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans.  Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got.  The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me.  How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable.  This actually touched me in a very deep way.

See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person.  How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line.  See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us.  Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them.  Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world.  Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you.   As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death.  It  has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others.  I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed.  There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them.  Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were.  People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!

I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them.  I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you.  I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions.  You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time.  I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it.  Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this.  I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together.  I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me.  But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come.  He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came.  We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try?  I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.

Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me.  Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there.  I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon.  Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call.   When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room.  We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time.  However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life.  He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years.  That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy.  Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry.  Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure.  Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually  thought he was interested in someone else.  It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted.  His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk.  However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.

I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them.  In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With".  It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others.  I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up.  See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep.  I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital.  Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis.  Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying.  At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact.  I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year.  So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet.  Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.

This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year.  I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet.  I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life.  I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world.  On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about.  But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day.  I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me.  I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface.  That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.

Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me.  This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own.  Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me.  But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me.  This is new and it is interesting.  As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently.  I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world.  After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have.  We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation.  Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.

But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease.  That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction.  That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed.  In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing.  I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through.  Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists.  Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder.  But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me.  When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.

As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on.  In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots.  His perception of me was changed.  See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex.  You just never know do you!  Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying.  It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them.  So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story.  Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally.  God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me.  He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for.  He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be.  He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could.  When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.

Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you.  For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me.  I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health.  I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year.  Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration.  But it is because of all of you that I am.  It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown.  It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing.  It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone.  You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in.  I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life.  Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on.  Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.

Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!

I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend.  Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked.  The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month.  This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week.  However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out.  But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned.  When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go.  Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed.  Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.  

I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff.  I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place.  Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away.  Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it.  Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out?  Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August.  He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I  thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out.  Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway.  Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out.  If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently.  As it is for right now I am good.

This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one.  If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on.  Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself.  So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again.  The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned.  I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.

Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on.  Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move.  See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages.  Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks.  By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.

I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this.  When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly.  Trust that God and the universe will take care of you.  Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment.  Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you.  If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this.  I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable.  Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.

Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me.  But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me.  I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back.  But once again there has been no response.  I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me.  But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own.  Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.

This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents.  I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months.  Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life.  I am excited and happy about all of this.  A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me.  Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing.  This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.

Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one.  Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.

I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B