I have always thought that a little bit of crazy would carry me far in the world today. But, now I am realizing that I am not crazy, I am totally insane. Follow me on this, I handle each confrontation with humor. I am a person that doesn't like to confront anyone. It is so bad, that I sometimes suppress my emotions and hold them in. Let me tell you that it wasn't good for me or anyone around me. Because I was hiding how I felt from everyone, it stayed bottled up inside of me. The least little thing that someone did would trigger an emotional and very verbally damaging barrage. I realized that I wasn't even really angry with the person, I was just taking out the pain and bitterness I was harboring on them. Not a good thing at all. It is never a good idea to bottle up your emotions like that, because you will find yourself like I did blowing up at the wrong person at the wrong time. Hell, they didn't really do anything major it was just a trigger.
Today, I hold nothing in. I tell you exactly how I feel and the brutal honest truth. Because I believe that I owe you only the truth. Because if I don't tell you the truth about whatever is going on and you find out from someone else guess who you are going to be mad at? It is going to be me. So, when I was recently diagnosed as being terminal. I decided that life is to short to go around sugar coating things. If I can't tell you the truth about yourself or a situation then am I really your friend? Throughout the blog I keep telling you that the way to keep a relationship together is a multi-part process. I believe that it starts with you. You have to be brutally honest to yourself and stop rationalizing things and lying to yourself. When you do that you are going to feel so much better about yourself. Things are probably going to start falling into place and you are going to find that there are less things to find fault about in the world. The second part of the equation is open and direct communication. Most of us aren't mind readers and we honestly don't have a clue what is going on in your heart or your head. No one wants to get hurt, and we try to protect ourselves by telling that little white lie. It does no one any good to tell people exactly what you think they want to hear. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
You maybe wondering what all of this has to do with insanity? Well, I guess I should explain what I mean when I ask you if you are insane. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result each time". It is my contention that we are creatures of habit. We figure out a way to do something an easy way or what we think is an easy way. We continue to do it that way and it becomes part of your routine and if done long enough you will become set in your way and won't accept any other way to complete that task. I can tell you that I met a woman like that just recently, for 66 years she did the same things over and over again. She has a certain way she puts stuff in her washer, as well as set ideas on cooking and cleaning and everything else. But, here is the rub with this lady, she has been diagnosed with ALS and can no longer take care of herself. I was asked to help take care of her for a week. Boy, I was glad to leave because I am used to doing things my own way and it irritated me that she wanted me to redo everything her way. I am not good at doing things twice.
Okay, but as I was saying we are creatures of habit, and if you as you observe a person for any length of time you will notice the pattern of behavior of that person. I have noticed that some women are attracted to the same type of guys over and over again. Even though they have been hurt by that type over and over again. Think about this: You are standing on the cereal isle at your favorite store. You are looking at the packaging and they all look different, but surprise when you open the box the inside are the same corn flakes. Another, example is that I have reached out my hand to help certain people from my past, and got burned over and over again. Men are also attracted to certain types of people as well, and we all have preferences. So, what happens we end up dating not necessarily the same person, but the same type of person. Then the comparisons start between your last relationship and the present one, and we know that no two relationships can ever be exactly alike. Different people and different circumstances.
I was trying to help out a young friend of mine that I met about a year ago, when I had first met him he was only smoking herb, and when I got out of the nursing home he was totally screwed up, he was stuck with a bad habit and addiction. He and his girlfriend are both 18 and he has gotten her pregnant, and he is addicted to crack. This has caused terrible problems for his girlfriend and her baby because he can't be responsible adult and help support his family, she is the one working and getting money which he spends up as fast as she can make it. I have tried to help him out, get him into a rehab program. He refused and what happened. He stole my computer and my tablet, which I ended up having to buy back. Several weeks later he ended up stealing my sterling silver rings. Once that happened I had to change my pattern of behavior and tell him he can't come around my house anymore. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
So am I insane? Yes, because I keep giving out my heart and trying to help people and so many times I have been hurt. I finally have realized that they were using my kindness for granted and using me. I can't do this again, because the results are usually the same, I end up getting hurt because I have invested time and energy on helping others. Everyone tells me that I am a strong person because I still talk to my ex and have helped him out from time to time when he needed it, even though he is dating someone else now. Also, I have become friends with his new partner. True insanity is making the same mistakes over and over again hoping that someone will understand and help you break free from the pattern and habits that are holding you in place.
Just keep in mind that insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Make sure that you break out of your habits and patterns, because they keep you stuck in a rut. Crazy is my way to deal with the mundane pitfalls and obstacles that come your way. If you keep your head up and a positive mental attitude. There is nothing that you can't overcome and accomplish. Remember whatever the Mind can Conceive and Believe you will Achieve.
In order to get to the next level in life you have to become content with where you are at in life, and comfortable with what you have got. When you reach this state, I believe you are going to find that you have everything you need right in front of you. This my friends is called Prosperity.
No one is perfect, yet we seek an ideal in a relationship, a concept of what we think we want, and yet how can anyone measure up to an image that they know nothing about. You have to be flexible and roll with the punches if you are in a relationship, if you don't the patterns are just going to continue to repeat and you are going to find the same thing happening all over again. If you truly are going to conquer insanity you have to keep moving forward, and let go of your preconceptions and take some risks, you have to break the rigidity that comes with having ingrained habits, be willing and open to change and even try something new or different. Look for patterns of behavior, seek them out and physically change them. You have to step out of the box, take a chance on trying something new and wild. You might be surprised that the one you were looking for was right in front of you the whole time, but you were so wrapped up in yourself and the same boring outlook that you have totally missed an opportunity to blossom and experience true love. Patterns and rigid habits can keep you in a stagnant environment doing the same monotonous things over and over again and getting no fulfillment or joy out of it. If you are not happy with the life you have then get up and do something about it. Because only you can make the necessary changes.
So, now you tell me are you insane? I know that I am sometimes, but now that I have realized my pattern and my problem I am going to make that change. Walk with me on this new road lets see where it will take us and where we end up...I think it will be fun.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label pattern. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pattern. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Saturday, November 17, 2012
You Know It Is Possible To Reinvent Yourself
No matter what you are going through, or have been through, doesn't have to define you. You do have the ability to reinvent yourself. If something isn't working for you, change it. As I have told you before, life doesn't come with a remote control, so if isn't to your liking get off your butt and change it. You maybe wondering what I am talking about here, because you know that I don't honestly think a person can change their core being, that they are essentially going to be the same. Now, let me try to explain a little further what I mean here. See it is important for you to get this. See, if you are a kind and caring, compassionate person, and have a huge heart. Nothing that you ever do or change about yourself is ever going to change that. All the exterior trappings, masks and changes that you display to the world is ever going to make a bit of difference. You are essentially going to remain that same kind, loving compassionate individual. So when I am talking about reinventing yourself, I guess the proper description would be that you can change your persona or image that others have of you. You have the ability to make the world around you see you differently. If you can change your modus operandi, the trappings that you have cloaked yourself in you entire life, it is possible to create a new persona or image that you will be identified with by your family and friends.
You are probably shaking your head at this point and wondering what the hell I am talking about. You might even thinking that I am talking to you in Greek, but I am not. I have a lot of friends in the entertainment industry people that are actors, actresses, singers, song writers, composers, and of course stage and theater performers that are constantly reinventing themselves and changing the way people see them. See each of them has an image that the world sees and recognizes them as. Look at Madonna, she has continually reinvented herself and her style year after year. This is what I am talking about. You too can reinvent how the world sees and views you. Let me break it down a little further for you. Many of you know me from my days running and selling drugs. Others know me before that, like from high school and the Navy. Each of these groups of friends have different views and ideas about me and the person I am. The people that were my friends from high school probably remember a geeky little guy, who had an extremely big heart, and a way of touching people so that they all remembered him. He was also funny, caring and made sure that he knew everyone and what was important in their lives. The folks from my past drug days, will probably have a different idea of who and what I am. But they will also tell you this, he is a guy with an extremely big heart, that cares about everyone, and helps anyone that he can. But he is a good business man, and makes money selling his stuff. For those people that remember me from when I worked for the State of Georgia, they will tell you that I am extremely smart, but I had a lot of drama that followed me and my life. One thing that they will also say is that I knew what I was about, confident and had very important people relying on my advice and suggestions as far as my job went.
Now, what does all of this mean, see at each phase of my life, I adapted the persona to fit the situation, but my core personality always show through. I am who I am and that is all I can be is a saying that I am very fond of, but that is my heart, my soul and my spirit. Who the world sees when I wake up in the morning is someone different. Perceptions play a very big role in our lives. As I have told you before we all wear masks. The outward face that the world sees, and this is what I am talking about when I am telling you that you can reinvent yourself. I went from a nerd to a preppy, to a business man, to a drug addict, to an educated writer and speaker that writes a blog and helps people all over the place. These are incarnations of who I am and the phases that I have been through and continuing in. You might even think of these as my way stops or resting places along the road of life. These are the phases or careers, or paths that I have taken. They aren't who I am, because I am still growing, maturing and adapting to life, so I am far from being complete and whole. For each new path, passage or road that I take I have to reinvent myself, or explore and define who and what I am. The world will identify with that persona. I might dress like my thug boyfriend and be considered white chocolate, you never know, it could happen. It is probably not very likely but stranger things have happened in my life.
Let me put this another way, the other day I was talking to you about patterns of behavior, and how we can break out of them. These patterns of behavior, are the actions and reactions that we most often take under certain situations. A persona, is similar to a pattern. A persona is the way we react and interact with others in a professional and sometimes in a social setting. Whereas a pattern of behavior is our typical reaction to stress, and emotional catalysts. Now, if you can understand this it shouldn't be too much harder to grasp the concept of reinvention. There are times when each of us reaches a point in our life where we feel like we are stagnate, stale and not enjoying life anymore. Or you might have a reputation of being a thief or a liar, a drug addict or something else unflattering. This might bring you to a point where you don't want to be identified like that anymore, or if you have a child and you want to be more responsible and respectable for their benefit. These are good reasons for reinventing yourself. No matter what your reason for wanting to change be reassured that you have the ability to change it, make a difference, and correct the misconceptions that others have of you.
Actors and stars do this all the time, they change their look, their sound or key identifiers that people use to associate with them. You and I may never get to the point in our life when we are a household name and everyone is going to know us, but it is possible to change the way your friends and family look at you and see you. Basically in a nutshell reinvention is making a change in your image or reputation. If you do that then you have changed your persona or have reinvented yourself. Simple as that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You are probably shaking your head at this point and wondering what the hell I am talking about. You might even thinking that I am talking to you in Greek, but I am not. I have a lot of friends in the entertainment industry people that are actors, actresses, singers, song writers, composers, and of course stage and theater performers that are constantly reinventing themselves and changing the way people see them. See each of them has an image that the world sees and recognizes them as. Look at Madonna, she has continually reinvented herself and her style year after year. This is what I am talking about. You too can reinvent how the world sees and views you. Let me break it down a little further for you. Many of you know me from my days running and selling drugs. Others know me before that, like from high school and the Navy. Each of these groups of friends have different views and ideas about me and the person I am. The people that were my friends from high school probably remember a geeky little guy, who had an extremely big heart, and a way of touching people so that they all remembered him. He was also funny, caring and made sure that he knew everyone and what was important in their lives. The folks from my past drug days, will probably have a different idea of who and what I am. But they will also tell you this, he is a guy with an extremely big heart, that cares about everyone, and helps anyone that he can. But he is a good business man, and makes money selling his stuff. For those people that remember me from when I worked for the State of Georgia, they will tell you that I am extremely smart, but I had a lot of drama that followed me and my life. One thing that they will also say is that I knew what I was about, confident and had very important people relying on my advice and suggestions as far as my job went.
Now, what does all of this mean, see at each phase of my life, I adapted the persona to fit the situation, but my core personality always show through. I am who I am and that is all I can be is a saying that I am very fond of, but that is my heart, my soul and my spirit. Who the world sees when I wake up in the morning is someone different. Perceptions play a very big role in our lives. As I have told you before we all wear masks. The outward face that the world sees, and this is what I am talking about when I am telling you that you can reinvent yourself. I went from a nerd to a preppy, to a business man, to a drug addict, to an educated writer and speaker that writes a blog and helps people all over the place. These are incarnations of who I am and the phases that I have been through and continuing in. You might even think of these as my way stops or resting places along the road of life. These are the phases or careers, or paths that I have taken. They aren't who I am, because I am still growing, maturing and adapting to life, so I am far from being complete and whole. For each new path, passage or road that I take I have to reinvent myself, or explore and define who and what I am. The world will identify with that persona. I might dress like my thug boyfriend and be considered white chocolate, you never know, it could happen. It is probably not very likely but stranger things have happened in my life.
Let me put this another way, the other day I was talking to you about patterns of behavior, and how we can break out of them. These patterns of behavior, are the actions and reactions that we most often take under certain situations. A persona, is similar to a pattern. A persona is the way we react and interact with others in a professional and sometimes in a social setting. Whereas a pattern of behavior is our typical reaction to stress, and emotional catalysts. Now, if you can understand this it shouldn't be too much harder to grasp the concept of reinvention. There are times when each of us reaches a point in our life where we feel like we are stagnate, stale and not enjoying life anymore. Or you might have a reputation of being a thief or a liar, a drug addict or something else unflattering. This might bring you to a point where you don't want to be identified like that anymore, or if you have a child and you want to be more responsible and respectable for their benefit. These are good reasons for reinventing yourself. No matter what your reason for wanting to change be reassured that you have the ability to change it, make a difference, and correct the misconceptions that others have of you.
Actors and stars do this all the time, they change their look, their sound or key identifiers that people use to associate with them. You and I may never get to the point in our life when we are a household name and everyone is going to know us, but it is possible to change the way your friends and family look at you and see you. Basically in a nutshell reinvention is making a change in your image or reputation. If you do that then you have changed your persona or have reinvented yourself. Simple as that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't be a victim any more!
I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience. How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally. What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others. Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim. I started seeking professional help. Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship. Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone. As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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