Holding patterns

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough.  That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change.  You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new.  But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all.  There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit.  Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that.  See most of  you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues.  At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments.  To just say enough is enough!

You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone.  I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take???  The answer is a lot!  I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die.  That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it.  So once again into the fray I go.  But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done.  If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life.  Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up.  Yet, here we are,  there is still more too come, but I am ready for it.  The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.

I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that.  See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself.  Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern.  It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them.  There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat.  But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.

Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year.  There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed.  Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have.  I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body.  Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.

I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand.  Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe.  Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress.  So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be.  So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.

So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on.  That is what has happened to me.  Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Never limit yourself

I am always amazed when I hear people saying things like "I don't like that" or "I can't be friends with you because you are too old".  I guess because it has never been said to me personally yet at this point in my life. See I guess I have what you call good genes, because I look younger than I am by ten years or so I have been told.  It doesn't hurt that I don't act my age, and on most occasions I am surrounded by people half my age.  But it doesn't just stop there, all sorts of people make snap judgments and stick with them as fact.  My brother and father do it all the time, they refuse to try something new, they say they don't like it but have never in fact tried it.  How can you know that you don't like something if you don't try it?  In my mind it isn't possible to not like something if you haven't tried it.  Making snap judgments may just keep you from experiencing something that is truly memorable.  When practiced on people it will cause you to build a false perception of someone, which when you finally get to know the person, that perception you created from your judgment shatters and you are forced to reevaluate the person under the new understanding of them that you have gained from getting to know them.

My advice to you is that you might find that if you are open to experimentation and adventure you are open to a whole host of new experiences and ideas that were once closed off to you.  Keep in mind that if you try something and you don't like it you don't have to go back or do it again.  But if you keep yourself closed off to new possibilities you might be missing out on living a full life.  For those of you who limit your circle of friends based on age, weight, looks or religion you could be missing out on meeting someone very special in your life.  See, I am a firm believer that everyone that comes into your life comes for a reason, either they have something to teach you, or you can teach them something, or they could be the best friend that you could ever have.  There is nothing saying in life that you have to like or date everyone that comes into your life, those are preferences and they are okay.  What I am trying to talk about here are friendships, casual relationships, not sexual ones.  Sexual relationships are a bit different because there has to be attraction, and something that you like about the person for them to happen.

Friendships are important and you need to be open and receptive to everyone that comes into your life. Because people are colorful, vibrant and bring depth and texture into your life.  I have told you guys before in past entries that you never know where a casual encounter can take you.  By limiting your scope of experience in trying new things, new people, and gauging them by limitations that you impose on them you run the risk of never getting to know true friendship and the joy of truly living.  You may even be surprised that once you get past your the limitations you imposed upon yourself, you might find that you like and are attracted to new things and different types of people.

I would like to remind each of you that age is only a state of mind. You are only as old as you think and feel you are.  Some young people tend to shy away from meeting and becoming friends with older people because they think that they will have nothing in common.  But you might be surprised how well you might get along with someone older, that you can talk to them easier and have more in common than you could ever have thought.  Further, especially in the gay community young people automatically think that when an older person approaches them that they are only interested in sex.  You might be surprised that it is the people that are your same age that have sex constantly on their mind.  Once you have sex with them, they are out of there, and in reality you had nothing in common with them at all.  Just because someone is older than you doesn't mean that they only want your body.  Yes it does happen sometimes, but most of the time they want get to know you, have been watching you and think that they might be able to guide you or offer you advice or want to help you.

As I was writing this it dawned on me that we allow ourselves to be limited by not only our own imposed limitations, but also the limitations put on us by others.  An example of that would be, that I had always wanted to explore my talents more, I was told by my parents that a person couldn't make money using their artistic abilities, and of course I believed them.  It wasn't until I was much older and had ended a career in Computer Information Technology field that I learned how wrong they were on that point.  I write now and do so full time, it started out as a hobby and has become so much more than that now.  Don't let other people dictate limitations on you, explore your creative side, enjoy life, and be passionate about what you do.  What you are going to find out by doing so is, that whatever you are passionate about, will make you happy and fulfill you in such away that you are going to feel good about yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that money is going to find and follow you if you follow your heart and your passion.  People are going to see it in your work and feel it when they are around you and that is going to draw income towards you.

Life is too short to arbitrarily dismiss something because you are unsure, or someone has told you something. You owe it to yourself to go out there and explore, try something new, be adventurous, and if there is something that you find that you don't like, or aren't into, then by all means don't pursue it anymore.  Like I said when I started this entry you can't alienate someone because you think they are too old, too fat, too nerdy, or whatever other criteria you impose on yourself and them.  Because believe it or not if you give them half the chance they might surprise you and bring something into your life that you never thought possible.  Again, I am not saying that you have to sleep with them, but to discount them off hand without giving them a chance or the benefit of the doubt is limiting to yourself and cutting yourself off from their wisdom, experience and of course their friendship.  Take a chance, not everyone that is old, acts old, or is actually old.  Some young people may have old souls and seem mature beyond their years, are you going to eliminate them too?  Keep in mind that every person you meet, every encounter that you experience and adventure you embark upon you can learn and grow from.  Life is a series of growing spurts.  I was young and foolish once and thought that I would never have friends older than me.  How wrong I was about that, and I think back on some of the decisions I made and wonder what kind of friendships I might have nurtured and cultivated if I had just been open and receptive to trying and experiencing new things. Have you ever heard the term don't knock it till you try it.  That goes with food, adventures, people, new things and everything else in life.  How are you seriously going to know if you don't like something if you never get out there and experience it or try it.

I can tell you now my eyes are open, and I am friends with everyone. I don't make snap judgments these days, and I have friends of all age ranges and I am a happier more rounded person because I do have them in my life.

Give a person a chance, get to know them, see for yourself what I am talking about.  I think you will thank me that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The One That Got Away!

 Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past, as my birthday neared, I took the time to stop and wonder what if? What might have been?  What would be different? Plus a whole host of other questions that we are not supposed to ask ourselves.  It has been my experience that the more we look back and ask these questions, the further it takes us from moving forward to the next phase of our lives.  But sometimes circumstances arise that cause us to look at the past from a different perspective, see things a bit differently.  See it is my contention that one reason why people tend to hold on to the past so tightly is because they glamorize what had happened, time and distance have lessened the pain, and we look backward with fondness.  This makes it that much harder to accept the present, and the hardships that we are facing currently.  We see that our problems are insurmountable and that we can't possibly over come them.  It is our past that keeps us firmly rooted in place.  The future is hard to imagine and if we can't see past our present problems how do we think that we can ever make it through to the future.  Honestly, it is that type of thinking that will lead you back to the What if's, the Could have been's and all the other questions.

Each of us has had relationships in the past, but for some reason we have a tendency to compare our current relationship to those that have come before it.  As I said we glamorize it and make it out to be better than it was.  What we must keep in mind is that no two individuals are ever alike, and that in similar circumstances those same two people are going to react and handle the situation in a totally different manner.  Now, what some of you may not realize, is that by constantly comparing your current to the past, it is keeping you from accepting the new relationship as it is being presented to you and you are alienating your current from committing to you, because they don't honestly think that they can compete or compare to your ex.  So what tends to happen is that you end up pushing that person away, they are disillusioned from constantly hearing about your past and how perfect your relationship was.   When the truth of the matter is that if your relationship from the past was so great then answer me this, why aren't you still with that person in the first place. What you have to remember is that the problems you faced and caused you to break up are still there, they haven't changed or gone away, you just don't feel the intense emotional and physical pain that you did when you were with that person.

I am sure some of you have found that out. You have gone back to the ex, and had expected that the person and the situation had changed, but the truth of the matter was the original reason why you two broke up is still there and will come back.  All those petty annoyances that if taken individually would be acceptable, but when added together become something altogether different.  See, each of those petty annoyances added together become a huge problem and you find that you cannot overcome it.  Therefore the relationship once again suffers and you end up breaking up all over again.  But what about the one that you didn't give the chance too? The one that you pushed away with your constant comparisons? What about him or her?  Are you willing to go back and admit that you were wrong, that you were sorry that you didn't give them a chance or do you just walk away and try all over again?  If you are like me in most cases you would walk away and try again, but what if you find out that the one that you let go, is the one that you really want, that they are the perfect compliment to you? What would you do then?  Well, again, if you are like me you would do anything in your power to try and get back the one that got away.

Sometimes that isn't possible, sometimes there are circumstances and situations that are beyond your control.  Other times it may not be the right time for the two of your to be together, so you have to wait.  I have told one of my ex's that our story is not yet over, and I mean that with all of my heart.  I think that somewhere in the future there is going to be a perfect time and place that is meant for just us and in that moment we will be united and get back together.   Though as I have grown and matured, I have started to doubt that! We had our moment, and though there is some connection still between us and feelings that have not yet been resolved, we have proved that we can be great friends.  See it has been a long while since we were together, and we did spend three years as a couple and during that time we both made some very bad mistakes, but at the end of it all we have come back together as friends.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I still love and care for him, I just am not sure that we will ever get back together.  See, God has a funny way of making things like this work out in our daily lives. What if when I told him that our story wasn't finished, meant that the rest of our story was to be as best friends versus lovers?  See, whatever the case maybe he has moved on and so have I.

I am not sure what the future holds for us right now, he is very ill and so am I.  So does that mean that one day we are destined to be together again as boyfriends and lovers?  Or does it mean that we are going to always be close friends and care about each other till the day we die?  I can't answer those questions, but I do know that no matter what happens in my life or where I go from here, he will always be a part of me.  The time that we spent together cannot be replaced by anyone and no one can take away the memories and adventures that we faced and overcame together.  So what does this mean for my current relationship?  Well, it means that I am not going to change anything, or spare my feelings, that I am not going to compare the two together because they are totally different.  But it also means is that if my current and my ex can't get along then maybe they need to come to some sort of compromise for my sake.  See the person that I am with now, was the person that I let get away from me once in the past, and though my feelings for him are very strong, I am beginning to understand that the person that I once knew may not be the person I am with today.  See, just as I have grown and matured so has he, and the changes have been dramatic.

I cannot see the future, I do not pretend to know the Mind of God, and I wouldn't want to even if I could know.  See, half of the fun of a relationship is the melding of the two individuals into a whole unit, it is the discovery and getting to know one another in a more intimate level that adds mystery and suspense to the equation and keeps us wanting to explore and learn more.  Now, if at the end of my discovery phase I find that I cannot accept all of the things my partner does, I will at least have formed a lasting bond that will last till the end of my days.  See, I know that I love the person I am with, but I also know that there are somethings that he does and has done that are not to my liking or taste, and if I am wanting to be with him, I have to come to grips with that and accept them as face value or I have to walk away.  Believe it or not I am not sure which takes the stronger person, to accept, or walk away.  What I do know is that as you grow and mature, and so do they, if your progress isn't on the same lines, then you might have to walk away, I wouldn't want you to compromise your morals or scruples just to stay with someone.

Now with that being said let me talk a little more about why I started mulling over the past as my birthday approached.  See, it has become evident that though the partner I am with has told me the words, and has made promises, I am not 100 percent sure that he is keeping them or his promises.  See, I know how hard it is to break free from addiction and a certain phone conversation brought home the point to me very well.  He isn't at the same point I am emotionally or physically, he is still wanting to reach back into the past and do what we had promised each other we wouldn't.  Now this is frightening to me, because he told me that he was past all of that, that he wasn't sleeping with  others or doing drugs and here I find out that he might be anyway.  His family certainly seems to think so, and then there are the days that go by when I can't reach him on the phone, his refusal to let anyone know that he is with me or dating me.  On the list goes.  See with my ex it was never an issue, he had no problem letting others know that we were together, and there really were no secrets between us, and I am afraid that I have walked right into a trap.  That the cute words, the platitudes of love, are just that. So maybe the one that I let get away should have stayed away.

But the real reason why I have been thinking about those questions and words, is because I am getting older, I am no longer going to find it easy to find someone that can and will accept me with my limitations and physical deformities.  Life just isn't as fair as it should be when it comes to love and relationships in the gay community.  So, what if what I think is a relationship is nothing more than someone playing on my insecurities, and here I have taken what was said at face value and plunged right in headfirst.  I have told you before that we truly never really know what is going on in the minds of others and that there is no way we can read their thoughts and know what is actually going on.  So what I have been doing is looking at the past relationship that I was comfortable with that ended because of circumstances beyond my control and the one that I am currently in. I am doing what I told you not to do.  I am comparing them, and trying to see if there is a pattern here that I should be aware of.  Amazingly, I have to stick with my original assessment, though I love my ex very much, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance that him and I will get back together, and though I know that my current is out there doing whatever it is that he is doing, I have to trust that he is not lying to me and feeding me a bunch of lies to get to his own end.

So do me and yourself a favor, take the chance and the risk of going back after the one that you let get away.  Who knows you may find yourself in a loving and productive relationship that makes you feel secure and safe.  You owe it to yourself to take the chance, find out once and for all.  Because you want to know something, whatever is lost can be found again and that also includes love! So, if like me you are going through it and aren't sure what the outcome is going to be, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you gave it a try and if it works great and if it doesn't "Oh Well"  life goes on and you can try it again.  Keep in mind that when you do go back, and if you cannot get past those things that caused you to break up in the first place that your relationship is going to be doomed to fail just as it did before.  However, if you are truly willing to work and come to concessions and compromise on those things, maybe coming back together isn't so impossible after all.  But you do owe it to yourself to see if the one that you let get away wasn't the one you were supposed to be with.  You might just be surprised, they could be the one, or prove to you that the one in your past was the one.  Only you can decide.

Now if you have gotten through all of this you might see the pattern of my thoughts as they emerged in this writing. See, my thoughts are cyclical here.  I started out with my thought, went to the one that got away and eventually came back to the one that you left.  So what is the right answer, only you can tell, but if you don't try you will never know for sure and those doubts might come back to bite you one day.  I know that Sterling and I will always be friends, and I know by now that he knows where he stands in my heart and my life.  But I also know that I am willing to give Kerry a chance and see what turns out to be the future, either he is telling the truth and really wants to be with me or he doesn't and time will be the deciding factor in this.

I keep telling you that time is short and you never know where you are going to end up or how much time you are going to have. So you owe it to yourself to try and find love, and be happy.  You are the only one with the power to make you happy, so explore every relationship and learn, live and experience.  Because when you finally do find your soul-mate you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You Know It Is Possible To Reinvent Yourself

No matter what you are going through, or have been through, doesn't have to define you. You do have the ability to reinvent yourself.  If something isn't working for you, change it.  As I have told you before, life doesn't come with a remote control, so if isn't to your liking get off your butt and change it. You maybe wondering what I am talking about here, because you know that I don't honestly think a person can change their core being, that they are essentially going to be the same.  Now, let me try to explain a little further what I mean here. See it is important for you to get this.  See, if you are a kind and caring, compassionate person, and have a huge heart.  Nothing that you ever do or change about yourself is ever going to change that.  All the exterior trappings, masks and changes that you display to the world is ever going to make a bit of difference. You are essentially going to remain that same kind, loving compassionate individual.  So when I am talking about reinventing yourself, I guess the proper description would be that you can change your persona or image that others have of you.  You have the ability to make the world around you see you differently. If you can change your modus operandi, the trappings that you have cloaked yourself in you entire life, it is possible to create a new persona or image that you will be identified with by your family and friends.

You are probably shaking your head at this point and wondering what the hell I am talking about.  You might even thinking that I am talking to you in Greek, but I am not.  I have a lot of friends in the entertainment industry people that are actors, actresses, singers, song writers, composers, and of course stage and theater performers that are constantly reinventing themselves and changing the way people see them.  See each of them has an image that the world sees and recognizes them as.  Look at Madonna, she has continually reinvented herself and her style year after year.  This is what I am talking about.  You too can reinvent how the world sees and views you.  Let me break it down a little further for you.  Many of you know me from my days running and selling drugs.  Others know me before that, like from high school and the Navy.  Each of these groups of friends have different views and ideas about me and the person I am.  The people that were my friends from high school probably remember a geeky little guy, who had an extremely big heart, and a way of touching people so that they all remembered him.  He was also funny, caring and made sure that he knew everyone and what was important in their lives.  The folks from my past drug days, will probably have a different idea of who and what I am.  But they will also tell you this, he is a guy with an extremely big heart, that cares about everyone, and helps anyone that he can.  But he is a good business man, and makes money selling his stuff.  For those people that remember me from when I worked for the State of Georgia, they will tell you that I am extremely smart, but I had a lot of drama that followed me and my life.   One thing that they will also say is that I knew what I was about, confident and had very important people relying on my advice and suggestions as far as my job went.

Now, what does all of this mean, see at each phase of my life, I adapted the persona to fit the situation, but my core personality always show through.  I am who I am  and that is all I can be is a saying that I am very fond of, but that is my heart, my soul and my spirit.  Who the world sees when I wake up in the morning is someone different.  Perceptions play a very big role in our lives.  As I have told you before we all wear masks. The outward face that the world sees, and this is what I am talking about when I am telling you that you can reinvent yourself.  I went from a nerd to a preppy, to a business man, to a drug addict, to an educated writer and speaker that writes a blog and helps people all over the place.  These are incarnations of who I am and the phases that I have been through and continuing in.  You might even think of these as my way stops or resting places along the road of life.  These are the phases or careers, or paths that I have taken.  They aren't who I am, because I am still growing, maturing and adapting to life, so I am far from being complete and whole.  For each new path, passage or road that I take I have to reinvent myself, or explore and define who and what I am.  The world will identify with that persona.  I might dress like my thug boyfriend and be considered white chocolate, you never know, it could happen.  It is probably not very likely but stranger things have happened in my life.

Let me put this another way, the other day I was talking to you about patterns of behavior, and how we can break out of them.  These patterns of behavior, are the actions and reactions that we most often take under certain situations.  A persona, is similar to a pattern.  A persona is the way we react and interact with others in a professional and sometimes in a social setting.  Whereas a pattern of behavior is our typical reaction to stress, and emotional catalysts.  Now, if you can understand this it shouldn't be too much harder to grasp the concept of reinvention.  There are times when each of us reaches a point in our life where we feel like we are stagnate, stale and not enjoying life anymore. Or you might have a reputation of being a thief or a liar, a drug addict or something else unflattering.  This might bring you to a point where you don't want to be identified like that anymore, or if you have a child and you want to be more responsible and respectable for their benefit. These are good reasons for reinventing yourself. No matter what your reason for wanting to change be reassured that you have the ability to change it, make a difference, and correct the misconceptions that others have of you.

Actors and stars do this all the time, they change their look, their sound or key identifiers that people use to associate with them.  You and I may never get to the point in our life when we are a household name and everyone is going to know us, but it is possible to change the way your friends and family look at you and see you.  Basically in a nutshell reinvention is making a change in your image or reputation. If you do that then you have changed your persona or have reinvented yourself.  Simple as that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Ever Hear Somebody Say "I'm Grown"?

Today I have been talking about things that the younger crowd are saying.  Such as "Keeping it Real", "Real Talk", "Keep it 100" and other things.  But there is one that I hear a lot of people saying it, the unfortunate problem is if you are saying it, then it probably is an inaccurate statement.  If you have to run around and tell someone that "I am grown dammit" then guess what you have done something that proves you aren't.  Most people say things when they are confronted and they don't want to accept the blame, or are on the defensive.  You telling me to mind my own business because you are grown, just proves to me that you aren't, that you are acting immature and aren't even willing to discuss whatever it is that is going on.  I have been dealing with youth and slang for as long as I can remember. My nephew is 21 years old, as a matter of fact just turned it last month, he started living with me and being around me all the time when he was about 13 to 15 somewhere in there.  Basically I raised him and tried to bring him up the best way that I knew how.  Yes, I went through all the teen angst and rebellion, not to mention all the usual slang terminology that we are discussing today.  I also raised a dear friend of mine's grandson after she passed away in 2008, he just happened to be my nephew Kodi's best friend named Bobby.  Now for you that haven't put it all together, Bobby is the same Bobby that has been mentioned in some of my blog entries. He is an ex.  Yes I dated him, he was 18 when we started started dating each other. Which was kind of awkward me trying to be a parent and boyfriend at the same time.  Honestly, didn't turn out well.

Anyhow, back on the topic of "I'm Grown". I have come to understand and realize that anytime someone is throwing it about, means that they are in an uncomfortable position, they feel challenged and are on the defensive.  Probably because you are questioning them on why they did something, or why they were acting a certain way, or doing something that you didn't quite understand.  Anyone or more of these reasons could be why.  Something has caused you to call them on their behavior and they are feeling vulnerable and threatened, have locked down in a defensive stance and you are probably not going to get anywhere further with them in this discussion.  You are going to have to regroup yourself and try a different tactic if you really want to discuss with them the matter, because once they have locked down with I'm grown, trust me you aren't going to get any further with them.

What I want my younger readers to understand, if you really and truly are grown, you will never have to throw that out there. Your actions are going to prove to us that you are grown, and that you can handle yourself with dignity and maturity and being grown has nothing to do with it.  So why do you feel you need to point out to someone that you feel you are grown and can handle whatever the situation is? Because, clearly you can't and it is obvious to those of us that are trying to help you and offer advice.  Shutting down and locking out those that care about you is self-defeating and limits your ability to utilize their experience and advice to your advantage.  Further, if you think you are grown and a man or woman and can handle yourself accordingly then why are we having a discussion in the first place? See your actions or behavior have brought to a point that has us worried and we are trying to help you, do the right thing by you and protect you.  Trust me when I tell you everyone of us needs another person out there looking out for us, helping us or protecting us, because life is harsh, unfair and can beat you down to a breaking point.  When someone is reaching out to you with compassion and concern, it is in your best favor to accept it graciously and move on.

Now, Bobby and Kodi were constantly getting into drugs and experimenting with things and drinking and partying all night, and it wasn't till both of them suffered an overdose of drugs that they understood my concern, and why I was so hard on them, and after them to cut down, be careful, to think first, etc.  Bobby went into seizures and fits of unconsciousness and had to be taken away by ambulance that is how bad it had gotten. We had fought just that afternoon about his drug usage and what could happen and he told me to Fuck off he was grown and knew what he was doing. Do you know that after they pumped his stomach and gave him fluids I got a call from him, telling me how sorry and stupid he had been. That he had acted out and rebelled because he thought that he was impressing me and others by acting like he was grown. He learned a lesson but the hard way.  Kodi had it a bit easier, he was sick as a dog, and ended up having to go to the hospital but didn't do near as much as Bobby had and didn't have to go through the stomach pumping and fluid flushing procedure, but both of them that night learned that just because you say it to yourself and others, doesn't actually make it so.

As we grow and mature we go through rites of passage, these are milestones that signify the departure from childhood into adulthood.  You can probably look at it this way, they are the terrifying and traumatic events that transform a child into an adult, and yes that transformation and metamorphosis is usually terrifying, scary and traumatic to those going through them.  Adolescence and the changes the body is going through as well as all the things your mind has to go through can be a daunting experience, and we know that it is life changing, because once a child enters puberty or adolescence they come out on the other side an adult.  You can't rush these changes, you have to experience them, live through them, and learn from them.  Life is all about growing up, maturing, reaching a higher level of understanding and consciousness, but it is also about being reborn, transformed and molded by our experiences and the lessons we learn along the way.  Remember that I keep telling you that it is the journey that makes the person not the places they stop, because we are constantly growing and traveling, it is the path that we take that mold us and shape us into the people we are today. The places we stop and rest are way points or rest stops along in a never ending journey, they are not what defines us.

So please stop telling us you are grown, you can handle it, instead show us. Prove to us that you are an adult and a man and that you can handle the challenges life throws at you with integrity, honor and maturity, and when you do, I promise you we will stop trying to help you and protect you as much.  I can't tell you that we are going to totally stop, that we are not going to keep worrying about you, or offering advice, or help along the way, we are human and we care about you. We don't want you to forget that we are there for you and are your support network, that we have had experiences you haven't yet and can possibly offer you an alternative you haven't even considered.  So be patient with us as we are with you.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, it only gets harder from here.  Enjoy being taken care of and looked after by your parents and your family.  You have no idea of what bills really are or what responsibilities come with growing up. Enjoy your youth and childhood while you can, try not to be so hard on your parents and those that are trying to care for you. They just want to protect you and keep you from making the same mistakes they made, they want to save you from the pain that they went through and endured on their rite of passage.  Listen to what advice they have to offer, you might be surprised at how well most of it is going to work out in your favor and will make your life so much easier.   Try to be a little more open and honest with yourself and your parents, because it will make growing up that much easier for you.

If nothing else please don't tell us you're grown when clearly we can see that you aren't. Remember you won't have to tell me I will be able to see it. Because you demonstrate it in your words, thoughts, actions and reactions to each and every situation. You will be amazed at how perceptive parents and loved ones can be. They might even know you have reached adulthood before you have.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

One year! You'd Be Surprised at How Far You can Go!

It is true how amazed you can be at how far you can come and travel in just one year's time.  A whole lot of things can happen in just a years time, and sometimes how far you grow, travel, mature, and advance in that time can just take your breathe away. No one knows this better than me, never give up hope, faith and trust, because of where you are at.  It isn't the destination that is important it is the path or road you take there that makes all the difference.  See it really doesn't matter, there are many avenues and roads to a certain destination, but the lessons one learns, accepts and practices along the way are what make all the differences in the world. If anyone has ever told you that life was going to be easy, that there wasn't going to be any risks, or that you aren't going to have to make some really tough decisions, they lied to you.  Because, for each choice that we make there are consequences either good or bad that we have to accept and contend with.  I have told you before and will keep telling you over and over again till it sinks in. If it isn't hard it isn't worth it.  If you don't have to work hard to get it and keep it then there is something terribly wrong with it and will only lead you to loose it or worse someone is going to come along and steal it out from under you.  Those things that we have to work hard for, and struggle to keep hold of are the things that we cherish the most in the world.  Further, what makes it so precious too us is what we had to come through, go through and withstand to obtain it.  These are lessons my friends!  Building block to go higher and further than we have ever been before.

You can change your whole life in just a year. You can re-invent yourself, become a totally different person, learn a whole new set of values and ideals in just a year. You can even learn a new language or teach yourself anything. There is nothing holding you back from accomplishing whatever you set your mind to but yourself.  Over the summer I wrote to you about 2 things that can keep you from completing a task that you start. Or even keep you from trying! Do you remember what those two things were?  Fear and Jealousy are the two things that can keep us from succeeding at our goals.  Whether, your fear or jealousy or someone else's.  Fear can hold us in place and keep us from trying, jealousy of others can keep us focused on what others have and what we want or hope to have but never putting for the effort to go out there and get it.  Jealousy on another person's part can cause them to whisper doubts in our ears, point out our limitations, and what they think are our weaknesses.  They can also try and stop us with either words or actions, or be standing right there and try to take it away from us.  Keep that in mind as you move forward in your life, cut loose those that don't support you, and be wary of those that want everything you have. Divorce yourself form your fear, because fear has no place in those that have faith and trust.  

A year may not seem like a lot of time but I want you to see how far a person can go and grow in that amount of time.  A year ago today I was in an extended stay hotel, been there for a month, I had lost my apartment.  My two dogs and I were put up in the extended stay by Travelers Aid in Atlanta.  Last year on this day was the hardest day of my life and one that I hope to never have to relive again.  The funding for the hotel ran out, I had to leave the hotel, I had nowhere to go, and my friend that I thought I was moving in with backed out on me at the last moment without any warning or notice.  Because I didn't have a place to go and no one to help keep my dogs, animal control was called and both my dogs were taken from me. One was just a pup, his name was Skylar, he was a lab/springer spaniel mix. He was going to be a year old on December 10th, the other was Madison she was 3 and was a lab/pit mix. I lost them that day, and they were put to sleep. My friend Linda took my stuff from the hotel and put it in storage with her things.  Unfortunately, for me the entire month of October I was in an out of the hospital with kidney stones and renal failure and wasn't feeling all that well still, and couldn't really carry or help move anything.  Long story short here I lost everything, my jewelry, my important papers, my dogs, all of my clothes, sweatshirts, jackets and shoes.  I truly ended up with nothing but the clothes on my very back.  My car was stolen, my life was a wreck and I had no where to turn too.  I was on the street for the first time in my life. I tried staying with friends, squatted in an abandoned apartment, slept in the park, and did things I have never had to do in my life before, yet somehow I managed to keep doing drugs and getting high.  I even got my car back for a short period of time. Then in December my car got stolen again this time with what little I could salvage and save from my life.  I had put everything in that vehicle and in the blink of an eye it was all gone.  I had to have kidney surgery 2 days before Christmas and had no real place to stay except that abandoned apartment. I was able to stay there for 4 days till I was thrown out of it. What few things I had managed to save from my car were locked in that apartment and never to be seen again.  Luckily I got a hold of my father and he was able to help me, he got me into a hotel for a couple of days and when that ran out he got me into an extended stay.  But that too was short lived. By January 10th I was back on the street with nothing. Just my jacket and sweats...I was freezing cold and it seemed to never stop raining.

I wasn't alone in all of this I had my trusty group of companions with me, and they were going through the same things I was.  It was a real mess that 4 grown adults couldn't seem to make things work and come up with money needed to stay off the streets, but guess what drugs and alcohol were involved and when you add those things into the mix money never seems to get you to where you need to go because you have to have that fix first.  I can tell you now that looking back my priorities were really screwed up. I had made money could have afforded the bills and could have held out, but I spent the money foolishly, wasted it on drugs, sex and other things that I didn't need.  Like I was telling my niece today sometimes we need to regroup, refocus and realign our priorities. Sometimes that means retreating to a safer ground, get our act together and set ourselves up for success. Which is exactly what I did in February.

See being and living on the streets for me was an experience, one I am not really ready to repeat, but it taught me a lot of things about myself, the people I knew, and what others go through.  The obstacles and challenges, the many things that can hold you down and keep you right where you are at.  Sometimes it can be down right impossible to catch a break and get off of them streets. I know been there and done that.  With all of that being said, understand that with a colostomy, kidney stones and a history of dehydration as well as kidney failure, the streets are no place for me.  My medical condition alone made it near impossible to be comfortable or clean while out there.  However, as I said I learned a great many things, I wouldn't change the experience at all. It made me grow and mature, it gave me a greater insight to the human condition and a better understanding of how people work and react to street people.  Further, I learned a lot about the system that is set in place that is supposed to help those that are trapped out there, but in actuality it prevents them from reentering society in a meaningful and useful capacity.  I learned about programs like HOPWA, Travelers Aid, Catholic Charities, Buckhead Christian Ministries and a whole host of programs that are supposed to help those in need and desperate for support and help.

But all of that is for another lesson. This one is about how far a person or an individual can travel, grow and go in just a short period of time.  As I explained sometimes it might be necessary to regroup, retreat and refocus your energies.  You need to set yourself up for success, you can't expect anyone to do it for you.  Now you might need a helping hand at first. I know that I sure did.  Because of who I was with and what I was doing I never seemed to break even, much less get a head.  I found myself constantly in situations and problems that I couldn't get out of.  The people who I thought were my friends and who would have my back walked away from me, or worse did stuff to keep me down and out.  Not only did I suffer from despair and hopelessness, but my entire support network was nowhere to be found when I needed them. However, this taught me a valuable lesson, if I wanted to make a difference and change my life I needed to get off my ass and do it.  Because nobody else was and nobody was going to help me do it.  Life doesn't come with a remote!  If you don't like it get up and change it yourself!

Which is just what I did.  In February I had my dad by me a ticket back to Florida, which I immediately paid him back when I got here.  My check was waiting for me when I got here.  It was agreed that I could stay with him and my step mom for till I got back on my feet.  Which I did, despite being ill.  I wasn't even here a week before I had to go to the Emergency Room.  Then the very beginning of the next month my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was in the hospital for 19 days.  I had to have major surgery and my entire middle was cut open.  I was flat on my back for almost 8 full weeks and during that time I had to give myself daily and sometimes 2 times daily liquid antibiotics via I.V.  I was just getting finished with all of that and it was June already, when I had to have another surgery and was down again, however, I had started writing and doing other things to occupy my time and get my mind off of my situation and on to other things.  July 3rd I was in an accident and broke my leg.  You can imagine how that put a cramp in all of my plans.  However by mid August, I got a car, landed a job and was well on my way. Then in September I did something terribly stupid, I left and went back to Atlanta for a visit, and well those of you who know me know that it didn't go well at all.  I ended up in and out of the hospital most of September and October.  As a matter of fact I was on my way to the Emergency Room yet again on October 19, 2012 when my father told me that I had to be out of their house by the end of the month.  Now, as you can imagine I was totally unprepared for that, but I figured with my job and everything, I would be okay. I still didn't have any money at the time I was told all of this, but went to work and told my employers what was happening and they told me they would find me a place to live.  Little did I know that less than 2 weeks later I was going to be let go because of my medical condition and them thinking I wouldn't be able to do the job that I was hired for.

But as luck would have it and a good healthy does of Prayer and Faith, i moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, worked out a deal with the landlord and was in the place way before the deadline my dad had given me.  Now, not everything has been easy and I had to work my butt off to make ends meet but let me tell you God brought me through and I am still going and on my own.  As I sit back and write all of this I am beginning to see that God knew I need the push, that I needed to get out on my own and that I need the challenge of getting my feet back under me, hence the nudge out of the house.  I had been there for 8 months, and with all the health problems I am sure my dad thought I was never going to leave.  But here I am safe and sound in my new place and doing my own thing.    I may not have furniture but I certainly have come a great distance from where I was just a year ago.  I am self sustaining, I have a roof over my head, it is my own place, and I have food to eat, clothing on my back, a car, though it needs some repairs, I am enrolled back in school for a new career, and i am out on my own. I also have been able to help my dad out with small loans here and there.  I have cleaned up my act, gotten off the drugs and made some positive advances in my life, I have a checking and savings account with a little bit of money in each, and gas in the car.  All and all I think I have done pretty good for myself despite all of the setbacks and roadblocks that life has thrown at me.  I have over come them all and I have my feet back underneath me.

Life isn't fair, it doesn't play by a set rule book and troubles and problems can come at you from all different directions, you just have to have faith, have a solid plan in mind and execute it with precision and you will be amazed at how far you can go. Currently, I am even thinking that I might try and get my part time job back, my health issues seem to have resolved themselves somewhat and I can get back into the swing of things. In just a total of 6 months of productive time look at all I was able to accomplish. Think how much you will be able to accomplish if you just sit down, prioritize, fall back and re-group.  Amazing things happen when you have your priorities and focus in check.  You can accomplish anything, especially when you have a solid plan of attack and have laid a firm foundation to make sure that you are a success.  See if you set yourself up for success how can you fail?  You can't but it is taking the time to regroup, even retreat if necessary to get yourself grounded, realign your focus and set your priorities correctly.  That is giving yourself a firm foundation or plan of attack from that you have already set yourself up for success.

Remember, retreat is always an option, it is a defensive move and a strategic one. It allows for proper planning and displacement of troops, military's use it all the time.  It also allows for re-enforcement's to arrive and for rest and relaxation before another battle.  Believe it or not life and living is a war, and you have to battle daily to make yourself a success.  Use my example and see how regrouping helped me, how my resting at my dad's and having him as my back up and re-enforcement really helped.

You can come a long way, learn so much and grow in unexpected ways in just a year.  I am living proof that it can be done..

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Trouble comes around when you least expect it.

Today was a busy day for me I ran around trying to get my finances in order because I have a ticket to pay in Atlanta for my little excursion that turned out to be a nightmare.  I had called the court last week and found out that the ticket was going to cost $194.40 for stopping in the road way.  The officer was trying to find drugs in the car but since he couldn't do that he decided to give me a ticket anyway.  Well, I got the money together because when I talked to the court last week they told me that I could pay it via the automated system.  However tonight when I called the automated system it tells me that there are two tickets out there and that I needed to appear in court. So I went online to see if I could pay it via their website and what I found out is that there are two tickets issued one back in 2007 and then one I got in 2012.  Now, the ticket in 2007 is not mine at all. The tag numbers don't match and the "party" field shows unknown.  This is very frustrating for me because I finally got all my ducks in a row so that I could take care of this and get myself ahead of the game.

Keep in mind that when I got a hold of the clerk of the court in Atlanta, I was told that I specifically had to pay the ticket before my court date or they would suspend my license. I explained that I didn't live there and that there was no way that I could appear in court and I was trying to get an extension, she told me that I needed to write a letter to the judge asking for a reset of the court date because I couldn't appear.  Now, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point, because even if I left now I would be stretching my finances so thin that I probably would end up getting stranded up there again. I cannot afford to have that happen, the last time I went up there I got stranded and my health suffered and I ended up in the hospital 4 times total. Honestly, I can't and don't want to go through all of that again.  Even though a part of me would like to go up there and try and find my friend Tony, but I don't even have a clue where to look for him at the moment and I am not sure he would even come back with me if I did find him.

Besides which I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss the referrals I need to see the GI specialist and neurologist.  It seems that I am having a residual problem with my left leg from the drain that they removed from my back a week ago, when they went in and drained the cyst that had formed.  I knew that Saturday when he pulled the drain out that he had hurt the nerve. I was told that it would bother me for a short period of time, but the pain has gotten a lot worse today. I am thinking that it is because of the weather.  See I have had problems all my life when the barometric pressure drops because I had a fractured skull when I was born.  Then when I was going through chemotherapy in the 90's they infiltrated the vein and the tissue on my right arm got damaged.  It would turn black when the storms would come and I would get terrible migraines.  Today a storm rolled in and my leg started hurting and my arm was sore as well, and on top of that I had a terrible migraine that lasted the whole day.

I wasn't prepared for having all of the pain on top of all the drama that has ensued.  I even went by work today to pick up the check that they owed me for the deposit I paid to stay in the hotel that my company manages. I didn't stay there at all because last Friday they told me that I would have to pay a $200.00 deposit and I didn't have the extra money to come up with that.  That was drama filled as well because just earlier on Friday I was told that I wouldn't have to pay a deposit because I worked for the company.  I guess they knew that they were going to fire me on Friday, because the deal was there would be no deposit as long as I worked for them.  In hindsight I guess I should have figured it out, but I was so excited about finally finding a place of my own that I could afford, and a person who was willing to work with me and knows my situation.  

I have come to expect that when good things happen in my life they are always tempered with bad things.  See this past weekend was so filled with blessings and good things that I should have known that bad things were just around the corner.  However, there is no warning when bad things are looming.  The good thing is this we are promised that we will never be given more than we can bear, God knows what our limitations are and will ensure that we have the strength to endure. Remember that every time a problem or crisis hits us there is a lesson somewhere in there to be learned. I want you to keep in mind that each of has our own trials and crisis's that we have bear it is how we rise up and deal with each of them that defines us and gives us the strength for the next one that is coming.  Just like land storms come and go, they rage and blow, cause damage, but they always move on they never last forever.  Problems are the same way.  Remember that no problems is ever as permanent as the solution. How you look at the issue or situation also plays a major role in how long it will endure.  I have told you over and over again that perception plays a vital part, and if we over analyze a situation too much we have a tendency to make it form a molehill into a mountain.  Once it becomes a mountain, we fret and worry that there will be no way to surmount it. I am here to tell you that you can and will make it to the summit and down the other side.  Keep on keeping on.

Have faith that when a storm of problems arise that there is something that you are supposed to be looking for a hidden lesson that you need to learn and grow from.  This will keep you from dwelling on the actual event and keep your eyes looking forward, and your momentum will be steady.  Before you know it you will have sailed right through to the other side of the issue and it has been resolved.  I was talking to my best friend last night and was telling him this exact same thing.  Nothing can hold us back if we just keep focus on the situations surroundings and deal with the issues as they arise.  I call this plodding along, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will have made it through that issue or crisis and will be heading toward the next one.  On Facebook I posted "It appears that I have entered the storm...Wonder what new direction God has planned for me now. A new adventure and journey lie beyond the storm. I can see a break in the clouds, ready boys weigh anchor, set sail and let's go...I am ready for this change."  I am confident that I am going to get through this time. I can see a break in the clouds and I know that there is sun and warmth on the horizon.

As I have told you before we never know when trouble is going to pop up, we actually are given very little warning. The reason for this is that everything we have been through in the past is supposed to prepare us for what is coming next.  Yet, there are times when something we have never experienced or encountered before creeps up on us and we are taken totally by surprise.  We honestly have no idea how to approach or handle the situation.  I believe this is the time when God will send us a person we need that will help us manage the problem.  See I believe that every person that is brought into your life is there for a reason, some of the time we encounter someone who can teach us something that we don't know about ourselves or life.  Other times there is someone that is brought into our lives because we are meant to teach them something.  Whatever the case maybe keep your eyes and ears open, your help is already there and you just don't even know it yet.  We are never thrown totally into a situation unprepared or where a way out hasn't been provided us.  We just have to look around and change our perspective to see the answer and the solution or to find the one that was there to be our support through the problem.

Like I said everyone comes into our lives for a reason and are there for their allotted time before they move on.  There is a third type of person that comes into our lives that may always be there. They are our confidants, our best friends, they can be our teacher sometimes, they can be our student sometimes as well, but they are always there as an ear to talk to a person to depend on and a shoulder to rest upon. These are the most precious of people in our lives and they form a very unique support network. They are going to be there with you through thick and thin and will always have your back.  They are the ones you can trust and count on when everyone else has failed you. These are the ones that you must take care of and be sure that you nurture and tend to that friendship they are rare indeed.

As for my problems, they are minor, I know that I will make it through them with only a little of muss and fuss. I know that there has been some kind of mistake on the court's side in Atlanta and in the morning I will get it taken care of.  As far as the job is concerned I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make it all work out. Nothing is impossible in this world if we only strive for perfection one day at a time.  Keep that in mind and take it with you.  You will see that what I am saying is the truth.  But as I get ready to close this out I want to leave you with one thing more. I know I mentioned what seems like ages ago, but Salt n Pepa told us in a song, "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve".  With that I am going to say good night.  Remember positive thoughts bring positive energy. Keep your chin up because this too shall pass! Like it always does and you are going to be that much stronger for it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Here's the thing about Life! No two people are going to act or react the same way!..it's impossible!

Since I am in a mood that has lasted a little over a week now, and I have expressed it in several different ways trying to clear it totally from my system, it dawned on me that I have been talking a great deal about life.  But, there are some things about life that aren't always easy to pin down, they are unexpected and therefore cause us to re-evaluate our positions.  The thing that I learned about life is that yes it is a journey, it is comprised of decisions, and the consequences of those decisions, it is also about choices and the options that we choose as well.  I have often told you that we are molded and are an accumulation of those same things, but we have also in our discussions in the past expanded that mold to include our experiences, relationships and environment.  Now with all of that being said we need to talk about the experiences, the relationships that also include our friendships, and the environment in which all of this takes place.  Oh, and I cannot forget our own built in filters, these are our earlier developmental experiences which we use to focus and color our experiences, it is also the key to our perception of things.

See in life our perception of things are what differentiate us from others, it is the filters that we employ to deal with the issues and circumstances we find ourselves in.  It is also why two people can live the same experience and be in the same situation, yet have totally different recollections of the event.  I know we talked about this in an earlier blog entry but something is telling me that it needs to be addressed again and maybe explained a little differently.  Life doesn't break down into nice neat little packages, it comes on strong and fast, it is reckless and chaotic, full of disorder and did I mention that it isn't black and white but technocolor? See life is messy and full of challenges, it throws hurtles at us, and gives us a variety of options when we are confronted with a problem.  Most of us never learn to change our perspective and we tackle each problem exactly the same way.  Herein lies the problem, if we never change our perspective, which means trying to look at a problem or situation from every possible angle, we aren't actually seeing or comprehending all the possible solutions to that issue or problem. Life is colorful, full of excitement and passion, it hardly ever is just plain black and white.  There are always variations of color somewhere in the mix.

A problem that I have been hearing a great deal about recently is about how people aren't acting in ways that are expected.  An example of this is a friend of mine in Ft. Lauderdale has a boyfriend who was recently incarcerated for possession of Meth.  Now, in Florida like Georgia this is a serious crime and they have a tendency to throw the book at offenders.  My friend was in the hospital the night his boyfriend was arrested. As a matter of fact he had been admitted and had been in there for 3 days by the time the unfortunate event took place.  It took my friend a day or two of scrounging and searching before he could come up with a way to bond out his boyfriend.  But in the long run he found a bondsman that was willing to take the bond and accept the amount that my friend was able to raise which was 10 percent of the bond.  Now mind you I was being driven crazy because I was on the phone with my friend constantly through this whole ordeal, and when the boyfriend was released from jail on bond, my friend waited and waited for him to come home.  Well guess what he didn't and three days later my friend still hadn't heard anything from him.  Then around 9 pm last night the doorbell rang, my friend was so excited because he thought for sure that his boyfriend had finally made it home.  But guess what it was a friend of his boyfriend's come by to collect his wallet.  Of course my friend was devastated and angry. He of course had every right to be, and didn't surrender the wallet.  But he did give the guy the bond paper that showed who had actually bonded him out.

The long and the short of it I was called and told what had happened.  I counselled my friend to curb his anger and divorce his feelings from the situation because he didn't know the whole story and only had speculation at this point as to what was going on in his boyfriends mind.  I warned that if he didn't separate his feelings from this situation he would act out of emotion and make the wrong decision, and once that was done the relationship might be forever damaged and couldn't be repaired.  I am glad that my advice was taken because at 3 in the morning the boyfriend finally made it home and they began to talk and a new side of the story was revealed.  Now the reason why I am telling you this is because not everything is black and white. It isn't always simple cut and dry, there are variations and other players that might be involved in any situation. You cannot go half-cocked into a fight because you need to have all the facts in order to mount a successful offense or defense which ever the case maybe.  See, life isn't easy, there is always more to a story then we know, and it is our place to try and get as much of the information together before we react.  Sometimes this means that we have to put ourselves in another persons shoes so to speak and try and picture the issue or situation from their view point.  I would also recommend that you try to look at it from every possible angle, because there is still more options available, if we just shift our perception a little bit and come at it from a totally different direction.  Sometimes that means looking at it from a different persons perspective, or it could me divorcing our emotions and feelings from the subject.  Or we try to look at it from an outsiders point of view.  Whatever the scenario there are always multiple ways to look at each situation that we encounter.  By accomplishing this portion you have removed your filters somewhat and have tried to picture the situation from every possible angle.  But remember our filters are ingrained from childhood and cannot totally be separated from us.  It is just a plain fact.

Next we need to look at the environment in which we find ourselves during the said event or issue, because that is going to play into all of this as well.  Location, who is with us, what we were in the process of doing, all of these things go into the creation of the environment.  This is also where we find the obstacles or hurtles that life has thrown in our path. The same scenario above would have played out much differently if it had happened in Atlanta where my friend and I have a lot more friends and a larger support network besides just the two of us.  See, if we had been in Atlanta and our network of friends would have been involved there would have been hundreds of different inputs thrown into the mix and much more color added.  By color I guess I am talking about drama, other peoples opinions and suggestions.  Environment is not only location, but what we are doing and who we are with and who we include into the situation.  It also includes their advice, opinions and unfortunately their emotional input to the situation as well. Thus, as you can see adding more color to a not so black and white world.  Can you now begin to see how the environment plays a part in the situation and crisis at hand?  I think you can.

Let's talk about our friends and relationships a little bit more here, because as I have told you before we are creatures of habit, unfortunately we are each have patterns that are discernible if one knows how to look for them. These patterns are the routines, habits and the way we react to stress and crisis situations. Rarely if ever do we break from these patterns, because they are ingrained into us just like our filters are.  As a matter of fact I think the patterns and filters are created exactly the same way. See our patterns and filters are how we see and react to situations as they occur in our life.  They are what we are taught by our parents and built on by the events and circumstances of growing up. Trust me when I say that they are very closely tied to one another. Our reactions to situation are because of the way we see them and compare them to events of our past. Which is why if broken down you will find that they are the accumulation of the events and situations you have lived through from childhood to adulthood.  We have to learn how to not only shift our perception or change our filtering, we also have to change our reaction to situations which means changing or breaking the pattern.  I believe that this is accomplished mainly by divorcing ourselves emotionally from the situation which then allows us to come at the same situation through logic and understanding.  In other words we use our brains and think about it, the whole situation and circumstances before making any type of choice or decision. This also means finding out all the facts and all the variables and players and as much information we can get on the the situation.  You also have to take into account that as humans we are very quick to make snap judgments.  We have a tendency to expect people to react and act to any given situation exactly the way we would.  Guess what that rarely if ever happens.  Because see they were raised differently from you, their filters and patterns are no way going to be anywhere like yours.  Further, we don't know their side of the story, we only know what we have seen, experience and been told. If we rush our judgment and expect them to react as we would then we are truly going to be disappointed. Because like all judgments they rarely are accurate or correct.

What I am trying to say to you is this no two people are going to react or do the same things in the same situation, each one of them is going to do what they always do, they normally react the way they have been programmed and we can't expect them to even see the situation in the same light as we do.  Let me try and explain this to you a little further, see when you meet someone for the first time you build an image of them in your mind, you populate that image with what you honestly think that person is like.  We judge them so to speak and we expect them to be that image, when they fail to live up to it or react differently than we have thought they should we are disappointed, the image is shattered and we have to start from scratch.  The reason why I am tell you this is because we all do it. We all create these images in our minds of the person we think they are, and until we actually get to really know them, they honestly can't possibly live up to those images because we have based them on our own information (filters and patterns).  As we get to know them better, and we finally begin to see behind that mask that they are wearing we can then start to piece together their patterns and we can then predict with fair accuracy how they are going to react in situations.  See each of us has a mask that we wear, it is our public persona, it shields us from hurt and I think it is who we really would like to be.  You can check out my earlier entry on masks, it is why a person seems to change as we get to know them.  But, honestly I think it is only part of the reason why a person seems to change the more we get to know them.

Think back and be honest with yourself.  When we meet someone new during that first meeting we get an initial impression of the person, and then we embellish it and we create our mental image of that person, the more we hang out with that person, the more we get to know them the more they shift from that image we have made of them, we also begin to see the person behind the mask, those two things combined is why a person appears to change from the person we first me.  In relationships we call that the honeymoon period.  It is the length of time we start discover the persons true self and start peering behind the mask that they have been wearing.  Now of course the same thing happens for them, they begin to glimpse and see the real you, and they two have to re-evaluate their mental image of you, because trust me it is very rare we ever get that image right the first time around unless it truly is real love.

So you might be asking yourself at this point where is he going with all of this? What is the point in telling us all of this stuff?  The point is this my friend, life is more than a series of decisions and choices, it is more than just the relationships and friendships it is alive, it is vibrant and it is something that cannot be pictured in just black and white.  Not everyone is going to handle a situation the same way you do.  Nor are they going to react to stress and drama, roadblocks and issues the same way you will.  You can't expect them too.  Finally the last point that I want to bring out is that we never truly know or understand the minds of other people.  So how can we expect them to think and react exactly like we would.  Because like I have pointed out over and over again no two of us are alike or can be alike because our filters, environments, experiences, friendships, networks and everything else are totally different.  So again, my advice to you is don't be quick to judge anyone.  Get to know the whole story and situation before you react.  Don't expect someone to react the same way you would.  They aren't you and they don't think like you.

Also, besides all of this you have to take in the maturity level of the person. Not their age, because each of us develops and matures at different paces. you cannot think that just because someone is 40 years old that they should act a certain way. Age usually has very little to do with maturity level.  Along with maturity comes wisdom, so keep that in mind as well.

What I want you to actually take away from this is that life is not a pretty picture that can be broken down into cut and dry pieces nor is it always black and white.  People act and react differently to situations and circumstances and there are reasons why they do.  How can you get past these, by divorcing your emotions and feelings from each and every situation and coming at it with pure logic.  Thus stripping your filters and shifting your perspective so that you can see the situation from every possible angle.

There is one little tidbit that I neglected to share with you and that is simply this, in a relationship two people will grow closer to one another and over the years they will begin to see things alike.  The longer they are together the more their filters and perceptions change and they become one. So if you have a couple that have been together for 50 years the chances are that they know each other so well they can predict and know how the other is going to react.  Now with that being said, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes years and years for it to happen...and actually I think it may also occur with long standing friendships as well. Whenever you really get to know someone and spend years of time with them you are going to know how they are going to react.  Just wanted to throw that in there to confuse this just a little more..because like I said nothing in life is cut and dry, black or white...there is always a splash of color thrown in somewhere and there is always an exception to the rules.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Gay Relationships and there transitory nature

I find that the gay relationship and the gay definition of love to be somewhat more difficult to pin down and define.  Perhaps the reason why I feel this way is because of their transitory aspect of them.  Let me explain, for some reason gay men seem or appear to change their partners more often then their heterosexual counterparts.    Now, I know this is a broad ranging stereotype and not all gay men change their partners like they do their underwear. Yet, some do! I believe that there is a reason for this and I will explain.  I grew up in the 80's, graduated high school in '86, and joined the Navy in September of that same year.  I met my first lover after boot camp while attending A-school.  We were together for a little more than a year and half in Great Lakes and spent a great deal of time in Chicago. However, he graduated before me and was sent o the fleet.  After he left, I had finally came to terms with my sexuality and my desires and I began to sow my wild oats.  I discovered gay bars, alcohol and men, a lot of men.  When an arriving officer or dignitary would arrive on the ship, they would ring a bell and announce their title. Jokingly, my shipmates would tease me and say that the bells should ring when I came aboard and announce me as the Atlantic Fleet. Because of how many men I had been with.  Now, this is an exaggeration, but there was a time when I was very promiscuous.  Since me and my first had separated, with no set rules or parameters on our relationship.  We eventually did get back together, and went to C-school together spending another 2 years before he was sent back to the fleet. Long story short our off and on again relationship was to endure for seven years total before it ended.  

During that time we both experimented and tried all sorts of different things. What I was going through was what I called my "Slut Phase". I believe that this is something that all gay men go through.  Now hear me out on this...I believe that it is the mental liberation from the norms of society, the revolution of the male psyche and libido as they explore their sexuality.  Hence the instability!  Closeted males are usually pretty straight-laced with their interactions, but really let their hair down and go over the top in their secret adventures, exploring all aspects of the male and female body.  Eventually identifying with which group they feel more able to bond with socially and emotionally. It truly is my belief that we are all born bi-sexual, and that as we develop an affinity forms between which group (male or female) we feel more comfortable with and bond more easily with. I would say that this sexual revolution and experimentation starts in mid-teens and can last all the way up to early 30's.  As gay men get older this trend does seem to slow and calm down for most.  But, there are cases where a person is unable to deal with their sexuality and denies it or continues to hide it til much later in life.  These men may even marry and have families, and sneak out to indulge or scratch their itch on the side.  Only to one day come to the realization that they cannot continue living the lie and hurting everyone they love and care about. These types of situations are usually painful and highly messy. Wife and children feel betrayed and hurt, and don't fully comprehend that this has been a silent and secret battle that has been raging in side of their Husband or Father for his entire life time.  There are the other types that never seem to mature fully and never do come to understand or grasp the concept between love and lust and they will continue to jump from relationship or partner to partner.  But, as I did say as some gay men get older and they mature, they begin to realize what they want and like to settle down and begin building a relationship with another person.

This is just a part of the reason why young gay men find it so hard to settle down and maintain a relationship, the other part is the misconception these young men associate and call love.  Because in actuality as they are going through the "Slut Phase"  lust and hormones are substituted and mistaken for love. It is really easy to confuse intense physical attraction with love and to proceed to try and make a relationship happen. This then brings up a question in my mind, which comes first the relationship or love?  My thoughts on this are mixed, but I will endeavor to explain. Lust and love, flip-sides of the same coin aren't they?  It is hard to have one without the other, though I guess in some cases it can be done. Lust is the initial stages of love, that if nurtured and treated correctly can grow into love. See the key to understanding love is that there has to be a mutual attraction, which is then combined with knowledge, acceptance, and understanding of the other person, this then forms emotional ties that bind the together as one.  To explore does a relationship have to have love to work?  The answer is NO , keeping in mind that two individuals can come together to benefit one another.  This is a relationship that is based on mutual trust and admiration, it is formed as a partnership just like a a business.  Over time, feelings can develop from that base and develop into a healthy and loving relationship. Again, the secret is that Love, in all it forms is a journey or a path that we are on. It is a fragile thing that must be tended and cared for.  It cannot be mishandled or mistreated in anyway or it will simply wilt and die.  With all that being said you may even begin to wonder if love is truly a blessing or a curse.  But I think that really is just a perception, because just as love and lust are flip sides of a coin, so are blessing and curse.  It just depends on how you care to look at.  Love being such a fragile thing can easily turn to hate.  Unfortunate, but true, in the wrong hands love can be a weapon of disastrous proportions or it can be a balm to heal and cure all things.  View point and usage are the two things that can turn it from a blessing to a curse in a heartbeat and vice-versa. 

It is my humble opinion that you need to be wise with your heart, be frugal with your love.  I keep telling you that it is a precious commodity, and once given is very hard to get back, be cognizant of who you give it to and be wary of their intentions. If you are like me and attracted to younger men you need to be aware of the transitory nature of the beast. All men are the same, we have eyes and we often see things that attract us.  The difference is as we get older we have a broader experience base to draw from, and maturity and patience that exceeds that of your younger counterpart.  It is from this experience base that we draw from that keeps us from throwing our partner away on chance encounters.  But, because they don't have the same, you must expect that there might be indiscretions on their part that you may have to weather, if you choose to continue down the road of relationship.  Keeping this in mind I recommend that you should only invest as much love into another person as they return to you.  If the love you give out isn't immediately returned in full measure cut your losses and get out.  You seriously need to get as much as you give!

So my dear friend after careful consideration and exploring the facts, I think it is inevitable as young gay men explore their sexuality and burgeoning libido no matter how desperately they claim to want to settle down and be in a relationship, it is very hard to maintain.  If you are young and gay, I sincerely urge you to explore whatever you can, be safe as you do it and love wisely, be honest with those you enter into relations with, because if you aren't completely 100 percent honest with them you are going to end up hurting yourself and the person you care about. If you are older and more mature and like younger guys, be aware of the transitory nature. Expect to be a player in the cosmic shuffleboard of relationship.  If you are patient enough and understanding enough, and can endure the cheating, you may wake up one day and find that your perseverance has been paid off.

Be wary of how you spend your love and who you give it too! Don't get too wrapped up in the idea of love and miss the genuine thing.  Know who you are getting involved with and protect your heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

An Abstract on Love

Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish. You have my word on this.

All my hopes and dreams are with you:

Uncle B