Aging Gracefully Under Pressure

As we get older it gets harder and harder to relate to others, and if we aren't careful we might end up all alone.  There seems to be an unspoken concesus in the world that we are supposed to act a certain way as we age.  Unfortunately, I seem to have not gotten the correct memo.  Because no matter how old I get I still like the things I used to like when I was younger.  I still like to read and write, and most of my other habits have remained relatively the same.  Though I have noticed that the older I get the less tolerant of certain things I become.  However, I believe that I have always had the same issues I just didn't speak on them like I do now.  It is my contention that the world around me might have changed but I have pretty much remained the same.  I am getting older this is true, but that doesn't make me any smarter or wiser, just experienced. 

What I can tell you is that life doesn't get any easier the older you get.  You still have the same worries and concerns that you had when you were growing up.  Bills still have to be paid, and you still have the family concerns but you have to add on new health issues that you didn't have before.   Next thing you know you are sprouting grey hairs in the most unlikely of places, such as your ears, nose and other unseemly places.  You also start to realize that you really don't have all the answers of the universe, and you begin to realize that your parents weren't so off the mark.  However, aging isn't something that happens all at once, it is a gradual change and your body seems to recognize it before your brain ever does.

Sometimes, I wish I would have listened more closely to the advice my parents gave me, but no I had to be a hard head and do things my way.  I didn't take their experience into consideration.  I just looked at it like every other kid, that my parents just wanted to control me and ruin my life.  Oh how I was wrong on those assumptions, because whether or not I cared to admit it most of the time they were just trying to help me avoid some of the common mistakes that they made when they were young.   Trust me when I tell you that I never thought that I would ever get this close to 50, but here I am just a sneeze and a wink away from it.  I used to think that being 45 or higher was old, now that I am there myself, I see that it is middle aged.  I honestly didn't really start living my life until I was in my late 20's early 30's,  and now I wonder what was the big deal when I was younger.

Growing old gracefully is something that we all should try to strive for.  Use our experience to help mold and guide others that are growing up behind us.  I remember years ago a dear friend gave me a pearl of wisdom and that was to stop looking for the impossible and the improbable, be happy with yourself first and everything else will fall into place.  Let me tell you that is easier said then done.  I still had all these preconceived notions of what my life was going to be when I reached the ripe old age of 45.  Guess what my ideas and notions were dead wrong.  I never in a million years would have imagined how my life actually ended up turning out.  I had no road map or guidebook to help me navigate the myriad of health problems that was going to plague my life. 

Hell at 28 I had a career, two houses, a loving partner, two dogs, a cat and 3 automobiles.  I never in my life imagined that cancer would come back into my life and rob me of the things that I worked hard to get.  I watched everything crumble around me.  How illness and disease drove a wedge between me and my partner.  In just a few short years everything that we had worked so hard to achieve and accomplish in our 12 years together, just disappeared like a dream.  It has taken me long time to come to grips with what had happened and how it all faded so quickly.  If someone would have told me that I should have looked at the situation from my partners perspective things might have turned out a lot differently.  But I never could quite put myself in his shoes, and I didn't realize until it was much to late, how powerless and helpless he felt knowing the pain that I was in and  being unable to help in anyway.  I watched how it robbed our relationship of it's vitality as I battled harder and harder to beat cancer.  

Though that was a long time ago now and he has moved on and is doing well for himself, I never once understood how solitary being sick all the time renders a person.  No one can understand what you are going through unless they have gone through something similar themselves.  No one will understand the pain that you have to endure as your body starts failing at the most basic levels.  Or how weak you would get from the treatments, and the dangers those same treatments were to you.  I have learned a lot over the years about myself, my body, and my illness.  I can pretty much diagnose whatever ills come my way now without a doctors help.  But, it is a journey that you have to make on your own.  Not one person is ever really going to understand all the things that you have to go through. 

Now that I am 47 years old and have gone through 4 major bouts of cancer, I can look back and see the stress and stain my illness has had on everyone around me.  I just wish I could have noticed it much sooner.  But, time marches on and I have lost quite a few good people from my life, I hope that they understand that I am thankful for them being with me and standing my side while I was going through the worst moments of my life.  I hope they understand that the support that they gave was exactly what I needed at the time.

I want you to know that as you age certain parts of your body suffer before others.  For some it is the joints, arthritis creaps in and stiffens you and is very painful.  Others their hips and knees give out and they end up having serious falls and spills that could potentially be life threatening.  Most people suffer from chronic pain and have to take medicine daily to function somewhat normally.  But there is no instruction manual no easy way to comprehend the changes that occur in your body the older you get.  You must be patient if others around you don't understand or sympathize with what you are going through, because they themselves might not even suffer from the same malidies that you are. 

My one piece of advice that I would give to you is this, be receptive to the feeling of others, put yourself in their shoes, and try to understand that because their circumstances are different than yours, doesn't mean that they don't care and hurt right along with you.  Aging is not something to take lightly, and trust me when I say to you that before you know it you are going to be exactly where I am at today.  One positive experience I have had was that I ended up in a skilled nursing facility/rehabilitation center for my back when 10 of my vertabrae fractured. I got to meet some very interesting people and I understand what it is like to feel alone and forgotten behind the walls of a home like that.   It is surprise how many individuals reside in these facilities that never see family or friends. 

It is sad that in today's society we would rather let someone else deal with our elderly loved ones than take care of them ourselves.  I spent 9 months in a facility and only had someone come visit me once a week.  I made it a practice when I had a vehicle to go up and see the people at the home every Sunday once I got out.  But, more and more people end up in these homes lost and forgotten.  Yet, what a store of knowledge they have, and experience and wisdom if we just took the time to reach out to them.  Eventually I will end up in an assisted living facility I think or maybe in a retirement community of some sort because of my extensive health issues, but I am not rushing into that situation until it becomes absolutely necessary.

As you get older you hope that you will have a better understanding of people, their motivations, the angles that they use and how to avoid them. Unfortunately, if you haven't learned how to tell if someone is running game on you before then nothing will change as you get older.   I have never been a good judge of character and life wasn't always easy for me, but through the struggles I have endured, I have become a more knowledgable person, and stronger than anyone could ever imagine.  Yet, to some people looking at my life from the outside they would probably think that I have had it easy, that things seemed to come naturally to me and that my life has been pretty amazing, outstanding and awesome.  For the most part I would agree.  I have met some really famous people and can call them friends, I have been in social setting where no matter my actual standing I always seem to fit in.  I have had some grand adventures and done the most amazing things during my time on the Earth. 

I have some great stories to tell, but that will have to be at some future time.  Aging gracefully is something you just do, it isn't something that  is taught in school, it is taught by life itself. From the moment you were born till the day you die you will always feel the pressure of your responsibilities, but that doesn't diminish your life and what you have accomplished.  Life is but a journey with many rest areas along the way.  We will never know how the story is going to end till we get there.  You are never to old to have surprises, and you will continue to learn and experience things.  Just be you, be happy, be confident, be pround, because every experience you have will continue to mold you and develop you into an extraordinary being.  You are growing, evolving, experiencing, learning, achieving new things the longer you are here on this planet.  You can't ever be replaced, because there is only one you. You are totally unique in everything you do.  Remember that!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

46 and counting! What a blessing!

That's right another year has passed and I am still here.  Not for my lack of trying you understand.  Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know.  But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive.  I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me.  I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar.  But here I am.  I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive.  All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you.  But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe.  But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people.  You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents.  Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me.  I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring.  Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you.  I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.

There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not.  But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today.  Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated.  Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through.  Thank you for coming along on the journey with me.  Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.

This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it.  Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is.  But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age.  I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger.  No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek.  I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder.  A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters.  I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending.  I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective.  Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating.  What can you say to the man who has done it all?

If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring.  Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends.  Those who truly know me, will never forget me.  Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around.  They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky.  To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires.  I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing.  He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?

I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things.  I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left.  But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth.  But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye.  Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me.  I was emerging and really being seen.  I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.

As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me.  As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me.  I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.

Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return.  I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance.  For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I  feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but  I am living proof that it can and does.

So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God.  I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life.  Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next.  Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end.  Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Holding patterns

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough.  That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change.  You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new.  But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all.  There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit.  Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that.  See most of  you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues.  At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments.  To just say enough is enough!

You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone.  I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take???  The answer is a lot!  I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die.  That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it.  So once again into the fray I go.  But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done.  If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life.  Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up.  Yet, here we are,  there is still more too come, but I am ready for it.  The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.

I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that.  See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself.  Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern.  It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them.  There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat.  But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.

Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year.  There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed.  Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have.  I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body.  Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.

I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand.  Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe.  Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress.  So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be.  So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.

So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on.  That is what has happened to me.  Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Never limit yourself

I am always amazed when I hear people saying things like "I don't like that" or "I can't be friends with you because you are too old".  I guess because it has never been said to me personally yet at this point in my life. See I guess I have what you call good genes, because I look younger than I am by ten years or so I have been told.  It doesn't hurt that I don't act my age, and on most occasions I am surrounded by people half my age.  But it doesn't just stop there, all sorts of people make snap judgments and stick with them as fact.  My brother and father do it all the time, they refuse to try something new, they say they don't like it but have never in fact tried it.  How can you know that you don't like something if you don't try it?  In my mind it isn't possible to not like something if you haven't tried it.  Making snap judgments may just keep you from experiencing something that is truly memorable.  When practiced on people it will cause you to build a false perception of someone, which when you finally get to know the person, that perception you created from your judgment shatters and you are forced to reevaluate the person under the new understanding of them that you have gained from getting to know them.

My advice to you is that you might find that if you are open to experimentation and adventure you are open to a whole host of new experiences and ideas that were once closed off to you.  Keep in mind that if you try something and you don't like it you don't have to go back or do it again.  But if you keep yourself closed off to new possibilities you might be missing out on living a full life.  For those of you who limit your circle of friends based on age, weight, looks or religion you could be missing out on meeting someone very special in your life.  See, I am a firm believer that everyone that comes into your life comes for a reason, either they have something to teach you, or you can teach them something, or they could be the best friend that you could ever have.  There is nothing saying in life that you have to like or date everyone that comes into your life, those are preferences and they are okay.  What I am trying to talk about here are friendships, casual relationships, not sexual ones.  Sexual relationships are a bit different because there has to be attraction, and something that you like about the person for them to happen.

Friendships are important and you need to be open and receptive to everyone that comes into your life. Because people are colorful, vibrant and bring depth and texture into your life.  I have told you guys before in past entries that you never know where a casual encounter can take you.  By limiting your scope of experience in trying new things, new people, and gauging them by limitations that you impose on them you run the risk of never getting to know true friendship and the joy of truly living.  You may even be surprised that once you get past your the limitations you imposed upon yourself, you might find that you like and are attracted to new things and different types of people.

I would like to remind each of you that age is only a state of mind. You are only as old as you think and feel you are.  Some young people tend to shy away from meeting and becoming friends with older people because they think that they will have nothing in common.  But you might be surprised how well you might get along with someone older, that you can talk to them easier and have more in common than you could ever have thought.  Further, especially in the gay community young people automatically think that when an older person approaches them that they are only interested in sex.  You might be surprised that it is the people that are your same age that have sex constantly on their mind.  Once you have sex with them, they are out of there, and in reality you had nothing in common with them at all.  Just because someone is older than you doesn't mean that they only want your body.  Yes it does happen sometimes, but most of the time they want get to know you, have been watching you and think that they might be able to guide you or offer you advice or want to help you.

As I was writing this it dawned on me that we allow ourselves to be limited by not only our own imposed limitations, but also the limitations put on us by others.  An example of that would be, that I had always wanted to explore my talents more, I was told by my parents that a person couldn't make money using their artistic abilities, and of course I believed them.  It wasn't until I was much older and had ended a career in Computer Information Technology field that I learned how wrong they were on that point.  I write now and do so full time, it started out as a hobby and has become so much more than that now.  Don't let other people dictate limitations on you, explore your creative side, enjoy life, and be passionate about what you do.  What you are going to find out by doing so is, that whatever you are passionate about, will make you happy and fulfill you in such away that you are going to feel good about yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that money is going to find and follow you if you follow your heart and your passion.  People are going to see it in your work and feel it when they are around you and that is going to draw income towards you.

Life is too short to arbitrarily dismiss something because you are unsure, or someone has told you something. You owe it to yourself to go out there and explore, try something new, be adventurous, and if there is something that you find that you don't like, or aren't into, then by all means don't pursue it anymore.  Like I said when I started this entry you can't alienate someone because you think they are too old, too fat, too nerdy, or whatever other criteria you impose on yourself and them.  Because believe it or not if you give them half the chance they might surprise you and bring something into your life that you never thought possible.  Again, I am not saying that you have to sleep with them, but to discount them off hand without giving them a chance or the benefit of the doubt is limiting to yourself and cutting yourself off from their wisdom, experience and of course their friendship.  Take a chance, not everyone that is old, acts old, or is actually old.  Some young people may have old souls and seem mature beyond their years, are you going to eliminate them too?  Keep in mind that every person you meet, every encounter that you experience and adventure you embark upon you can learn and grow from.  Life is a series of growing spurts.  I was young and foolish once and thought that I would never have friends older than me.  How wrong I was about that, and I think back on some of the decisions I made and wonder what kind of friendships I might have nurtured and cultivated if I had just been open and receptive to trying and experiencing new things. Have you ever heard the term don't knock it till you try it.  That goes with food, adventures, people, new things and everything else in life.  How are you seriously going to know if you don't like something if you never get out there and experience it or try it.

I can tell you now my eyes are open, and I am friends with everyone. I don't make snap judgments these days, and I have friends of all age ranges and I am a happier more rounded person because I do have them in my life.

Give a person a chance, get to know them, see for yourself what I am talking about.  I think you will thank me that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B