Despite my many health issues and set backs on this very rough journey I call my life, I am surprised and amazed at reaching my 50 year mark. I have come through some really difficult spots in the road, but I made it through relatively unscathed. My personality and body have battle scars and show definite signs of wear and tear but all in all I am still going strong after all this time. In this blog we have covered many of the battles I have faced and overcome, and many people get the wrong idea that I am a super strong person. They think that I have gotten life and all it's mysteries figured out and they would be so wrong. I am an everyday person who wakes up and faces demons both inside and out of my body. I have a mental addiction to narcotics, and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety to mention just a few of them.
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Time Progression
Time marches swiftly on and waits for no one. Hours turn to days, days into months, and months into years. Nights blend to days as the earth travels around the sun, those months turn to seasons and the seasons mark the year. Nothing can bind the hands of time. Like a tightly wound spring our lives slowly wind down as the second hand ticks around the clock. Life has a limited amount of a lotted time. Like a grandfather clock that is wound daily and eventually winds down so does the body wind down. Wrinkles, gray hair and other signs are developed and shows the passage of time.
Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go. Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain. I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.
I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me. Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has. I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.
When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things. My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly. Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye, and what have I accomplished? What is the mark that I leave upon this world?
It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone. Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart. I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity. It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.
I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity. I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won. Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.
I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am. I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things. One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend. Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me. I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.
Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one. I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything. I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith. This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.
Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time. It is late in my life that I have come to this. I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs. I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career. I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you. I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired. I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.
Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn. Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning. I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way. I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way. Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn. There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.
I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time. Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay. For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain. I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again. I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting. I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations. Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.
As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend. I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way. I hope that you see me in each new day.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time
Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go. Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain. I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.
I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me. Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has. I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.
When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things. My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly. Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye, and what have I accomplished? What is the mark that I leave upon this world?
It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone. Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart. I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity. It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.
I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity. I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won. Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.
I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am. I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things. One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend. Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me. I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.
Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one. I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything. I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith. This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.
Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time. It is late in my life that I have come to this. I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs. I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career. I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you. I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired. I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.
Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn. Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning. I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way. I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way. Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn. There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.
I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time. Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay. For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain. I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again. I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting. I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations. Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.
As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend. I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way. I hope that you see me in each new day.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Borrowed Time
Every day that I draw a breath I am living on borrowed time. I was diagnosed with large cell lymphoma in 1992. I was told that I had eighteen months to live, that by the time I was diagnosed the cancer was in stage four and that even with extensive chemotherapy and radiation the outlook was grim.
The truth of the matter is that I got better with the treatment and went seven years without a recurrence of the cancer. Yet, the next time cancer reared it's head it was in the form of polyps in my large intestines. I had them removed and was healthy for several more years. Then in December of 2004 portions of my large intestines suffered damage from the initial radiation that I was treated with in '92. January of 2005 I was given my first colostomy and would go through series after series of bowel resections and abdominal surgeries. Finally in the fall of 2007 my worst fears came to life and the colostomy was turned into an ileostomy and would have to remain in place for the rest of my life.
Again, the doctor's and staff thought that I wouldn't make it through all of this and predicted that I would get seriously ill and pass by Christmas of 2007. Yet once again their predictions were far off the mark. It was December 6, 2007 that I found out that I had contracted the HIV virus and diagnosed as positive. The doctor's fearing that because my immune system was suppressed due to the cancer thought that the virus would spread through my body like wildfire and would soon kill me. So I was put on a strict and powerful regimen immediately.
No one could have guessed that in five short years that these same drugs would irrevocably damage my kidneys and I would end up eventually with kidney cancer. Since 2011, I have had kidney stones and bladder infections as well as two bowel resections, and an aneurysm. Then in March of 2012, I was told that not only did I have leukemia (large cell lymphoma is considered a form of) I was also suffering from radiation enteritis (disease) which is acting like cancer eating up my pelvic organs. I was also told that the radiation perforated the bowel wall in '92 and had made my pelvis very porous and weakened the walls of my colon and made them thin like tissue paper.
So you can see that I know a little bit about living on borrowed time. One thing I have done in this entry is gloss over a lot of my illnesses and just hit the pertinent information. Just know that today I am facing and dealing with 6 terminal illnesses .
So, from '92 till now everyday has been a gift from God and gives me something to give thanks about daily. I am about to head to Gainesville, to have the latest tumor removed from my body through surgery. Funny when I was diagnosed with kidney cancer I was told 6-12 months were all that I had left. Once again medical science is wrong on this account. My doctor assures me that I am going to come through this surgery and that they would be able to get all the cancer and I should expect a full recovery.
Living on borrowed time is something that not everyone gets. It is a blessing that I have been granted and a luxury that I have been able to enjoy. I am still here 25 years after the first occurrence of cancer. It was not something that I had planned or envisioned, but I am thankful for each and every day. I had never imagined that I would survive this long. Nor, could I have imagined that 25 years later I would have 6 terminal illnesses and have another surgery looming over my head.
Living each day to the fullest and staying in the moment is the only way to enjoy the precious gift that God has granted us. So, if you are like me and living on borrowed time. Make the best of your situation, share your life lessons with those around you and make everyday worth living. I embrace my illness and I use my life as an example for others so that they might benefit from my experience.
I love you all and wish you only the best. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I have surgery on March 28th. God bless you all.
As always Live well, Love much, and Laugh often.
Uncle B
Sunday, January 15, 2017
When is enough enough?
Sometimes in life you have to weigh whether each situation warrants our continuance or our separation. Each situation has to be weighed carefully so that we don't hurt ourselves or others. Many times we enter into agreements or arrangements without thought to the future. You must be true to yourself and honest as well in order to know the appropriate time on which to make our exit.
Knowing when to fold your hand and throw in, is just as important as understanding the odds of the cards stacked against you. Yes you have made a promise or an agreement, but if all facts were not known at the time of making such agreement can you be truly blamed for changing your mind. Though it is never pleasant backing out of an agreement or arrangement it sometimes becomes necessary when your health, wealth and stability are threatened.
Always gather as much knowledge as you can before entering into such arrangements and be sure to keep youroptions open for as long as you can. It is easier to change your mind before agreeing than afterwards. Because there are always consequences for terminating an agreement ahead of the prescribed time. Always be wary and aware.
As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.
Uncle B
Thursday, April 7, 2016
My Dearest Child
It is hard to believe that you are 15 years old now. Time has surely gone by you are so grown I can't believe it, I always thought that I would have had more time to spend with you while you were growing up, and guess what I blinked and you are already a teenager. I wanted to write to you and tell you some of the things that you can expect as you get older. I want you to always remember I may no longer be here, but I am never far away as long as you keep me in your heart.
You are about to embark on the greatest journey you will ever take. Life is full of pitfalls and obstacles along the way. It isn't going to be easy, but no one ever said that it was going to be. Don't get discouraged at things that happen because they are only temporary and will soon pass by. I am sorry to say that you are going to have to work only to pay bills and raise a family. But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing your children grow. Work can be boring, tedious and you are never going to feel that you are being paid for what you are worth, just remember that you have to start somewhere and there is only one way to go and that is up.
Stress of life and daily living might get you down from time to time, but focus on the things that make you happy and bring you joy. Spend as much time as you can with your family for you are going to need each other, because no one knows you better than they do. Love each other daily and be thankful for the things that you have worked so hard to get. Be wary of strangers that continually try to interfere or drag you down, they may people that you consider as friends. Your heart my son is the biggest target and your feelings will often be hurt, guard yourself against those that would use your kindness for weakness. There is nothing wrong with saying "No" and meaning it. You have to learn how to be selfish at times, otherwise you are going to get used.
Smile everyday and be thankful for your health and life. I wish I could tell you that life gets easier the older you get, but unfortunately that isn't going to be the case. You are going to be tested, tried and sometimes feel like "What's the use?" The secret to this my son is that everything that you go through hone you and make you stronger. You will be amazed at the things you are going to do. Do not be afraid to speak up for yourself, let your voice be heard, because all it takes is one person to change the world. There will come a time in your life when you are going to look back at your past from where you are at. I do not want you to feel sad or depressed, trust me when I tell you that you might feel disappointed because you are not where you thought you will be. The secret here is to look back at all you have accomplished, all the things you have been through and be proud of what you have done.
Keep in mind that the place where you are at is not the end of the road, but just one of many stops along the way. The path that you have taken is what matters, it is the path that gives you knowledge and strength, the path and all it's pitfalls, obstacles and traps are what have developed you and made you the man that you are. Love often and hard, show compassion and understanding to others, because it will be returned back to you. Cherish what you have because you have worked hard and long to get it. Don't let what other people say bother you, because at the end of the day they don't mean a thing. They don't pay your bills, nor do know what you truly are about.
Those that take from you more than they contribute are not truly friends, they are trying to benefit from your suffering and pain. You cannot choose who your family is, but if they are not meeting your needs create your own family and support network that you can depend on. For those are the people the truly love and care about you. If there is one thing that I could teach you and help you to understand. Happiness is not something that you can find, it comes from with in. You create your own happiness, don't let anyone take it away. Prosperity my son is something that you can achieve easily, all you have to do is be happy and content with what you have where ever you are at in your life. You will see what I mean, just trust me.
No matter what you think you are never alone, God is with you always and hears all your prayers and cries. When you are weary and tired God will carry you through, open your heart in prayer and know that it will be answered. I wish I could be there with you my son as you grow older, but since that cannot be. I would say to you what my grandfather once told me.
"A man does not leave their mark upon the world, by how much money he has, or what they own, but by how many lives they have touched and who remember them once they are gone." Explore your talents, always do what you love, because if you love what you do, your passion will shine through. Money is an elusive thing but if you follow your heart and do what you are passionate about the money will follow.
I love you my son and I hope that by reading this it will help you along your journey of life. I will see you when you get to the other side. We will see each other in heaven you have my promise.
I love you,
Dad
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
The Time Has Come
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing spoken here
can make this clear
Body lies in shock and fear
have heard the message dear
that the time is near or should say that it's here
Cause in the morning I will see the sun
Oh the day has just begun
The darkness of the night has been swept aside
The sun is full of life and cheer
so sweep away the dread my dear
The time is here
Its bright outside.
Be happy and merry
there's no time to terry
tick tock goes the clock on the wall
tick tock can't you here it's call
It's spring beckoning to summer's call
winters dread has lost its thrawl
In the light you see it clear
Nothing last forever
be merry and full of good cheer
Except for happy ever after
Nothing last forever.
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Don't let earthly things give you pain
Face each dawn with a smile
Don't give in to stress or strain
just laugh and give that extra mile.
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I have seen it all
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock be brave and tall
Tick tock you will survive through all.
Nothing last forever
except for ever after
so treat each trial with a smile and laughter.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Bigger than Life
Today has been all about a very dear friend of mine that I will never forget. Someone that never had much but was happy and content with everything she had. She wasn't self-conscious, vain, or envious. She was brutally honest, courageous, and magnanimous. Was never to busy to talk, had great shoulders to cry on, and a smile that lit up the room. She always saw the good in people, never found fault, never stayed down for long and always had a kind smile, warm heart for anyone that came into her life. She was a very dynamic force and one that couldn't be contained in one body. Maybe that is the reason why God took her so young!
Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises. She had a personality that was larger than life. She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau. All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.
She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for. She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end. She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous. Whatever she felt she said.
Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that. It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her. When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love. I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it. She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.
I was fortunate to live close to Mary. I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life. She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend. That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.
Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home. I have mixed emotions about that. See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots. I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it. I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.
So what would I like to say to Mary? Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else. She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and opportunities to share her testimony and her story. When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs. She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong. She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied. An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up. I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.
She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return. Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives. For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.
Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers. What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about. I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family. She helped and loved beyond any situation. She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times. She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.
I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy". Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else. Thank you for reminding me of that. I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth. Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!
Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside. She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today. She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings. I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone! She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.
When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it. When I tell you that she loved, she did! She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well. I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.
You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me. So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives. You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened. We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us. We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got. Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.
What can you learn from Mary? Everything there is to know about life and living. Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world. Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls. Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen. Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you. Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you. Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything. Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be. You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it. That is what is meant by being transparent. We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul. Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task". Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.
But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about her, she will also live in you. You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her. Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers. Trust me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises. She had a personality that was larger than life. She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau. All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.
She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for. She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end. She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous. Whatever she felt she said.
Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that. It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her. When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love. I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it. She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.
I was fortunate to live close to Mary. I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life. She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend. That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.
Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home. I have mixed emotions about that. See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots. I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it. I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.
So what would I like to say to Mary? Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else. She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and opportunities to share her testimony and her story. When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs. She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong. She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied. An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up. I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.
She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return. Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives. For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.
Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers. What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about. I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family. She helped and loved beyond any situation. She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times. She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.
I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy". Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else. Thank you for reminding me of that. I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth. Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!
Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside. She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today. She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings. I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone! She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.
When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it. When I tell you that she loved, she did! She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well. I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.
You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me. So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives. You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened. We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us. We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got. Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.
What can you learn from Mary? Everything there is to know about life and living. Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world. Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls. Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen. Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you. Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you. Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything. Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be. You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it. That is what is meant by being transparent. We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul. Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task". Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.
But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about her, she will also live in you. You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her. Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers. Trust me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Monday, November 4, 2013
Holding patterns
Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough. That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change. You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new. But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all. There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit. Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that. See most of you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues. At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments. To just say enough is enough!
You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone. I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take??? The answer is a lot! I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die. That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it. So once again into the fray I go. But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done. If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life. Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up. Yet, here we are, there is still more too come, but I am ready for it. The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.
I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that. See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself. Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern. It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them. There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat. But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.
Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year. There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed. Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have. I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body. Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.
I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand. Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe. Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress. So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be. So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.
So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on. That is what has happened to me. Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone. I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take??? The answer is a lot! I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die. That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it. So once again into the fray I go. But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done. If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life. Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up. Yet, here we are, there is still more too come, but I am ready for it. The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.
I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that. See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself. Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern. It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them. There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat. But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.
Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year. There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed. Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have. I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body. Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.
I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand. Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe. Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress. So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be. So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.
So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on. That is what has happened to me. Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Wasn't going to write today....But!
Since I started off this adventure on Friday and have kept you informed about things every step of the way, I figured you might as well know how it all turned out. I slept in the apartment for the first time last night. At first I had a little trouble falling asleep. Maybe it had a little to do with the air mattress and the fact that I had acid indigestion, but anyhow fell asleep around midnight only too wake up around 2:15 in the morning. Couldn't fall right back to sleep so decided to go out on the front balcony and have a smoke. As I was coming out of my apartment so was my next door neighbor. He was coming out to smoke too so we sat together and talked. Glad I went out there at that time, he is a really nice young guy full of energy and hope for the future. Of course I ran into him several times today as I was running errands and things, and it is great to have someone close to my age that is cool to talk too.
I woke up around 9 am this morning and was trying to toast myself a bagel in the oven. For those of you who haven't experienced that don't do it. Come to find out that it is really easy to burn the thing if you aren't extremely careful. Hahaha...anyhow, ate my breakfast and the next thing I know my dad is pulling into the driveway with his truck loaded down. I mean everything that I had left behind at the house except my crutches and my cane which I don't need at the moment. I will need the cane after the next operation at least for twelve to eighteen weeks. I honestly hate having my abdomen opened up...takes so long to recover...but oh well life goes on. Anyhow my father also brought me a number of other things that will make life a lot easier. He brought me a dresser, a TV table and a huge chest that I can store stuff in, however, at the moment it has this huge old TV that he brought me. Unfortunately he accidentally ripped off the cable connector from the back so the only thing I can do at the moment is play dvd's on it. But we will see, I was planning on buying a new TV anyway. You know me I am a technology whore and have to have the latest and greatest so I am probably going to end up with one of them smart TV's.
I was worrying about money and how I was going to stretch what little I have left to cover everything I need to pay and still have groceries, and get to Orlando and all of that stuff. I told you all about that last night, well you know dad agreed to lend me a $150.00 to cover my bills till I get paid, but you know what I have all that money from the hotel coming back that I forgot about so, even after I went out today and bought the pots and pans that I wanted. Groceries and instead of the dish set settled on paper plates and plastic wear for the time being. I only have to make it till Thursday and then I can go out and buy the dishes I want and the silverware, and get a microwave oven and all the other things that I want. See I am okay roughing it for a little while, it is just me and I don't have to impress anyone right now. Like I told you on Friday evening sometimes taking things slowly and working them out has a way of getting us exactly what we want. So I am good.
With all of that being said I was talking to my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this afternoon and was telling him that I have been thinking about this living room set that I saw at Big Lots that I really liked, and that come Thursday I would have the money get it. Then it dawned on me that already I am jumping the gun and that I need to reevaluate my priorities. See, there are things that I need to consider and take care of first before I run out and spend that money I have coming in foolishly. See, maybe I should keep going slowly, and shop around, look at things and make sure that I take care of business first. I should put some of the cash away that I will have from my paycheck towards, giving this man his deposit for living here. I know he said that we would break it down over 3 months, but let's get a head start on that by putting a little towards it now, then there is my car which needs an oil change, it needs to have some fuses fixed and the back window is off track and needs to be fixed so I need to invest some funds that way. Listen taking care of priorities and necessary items first is a good way to ensure that you don't get screwed. Trust me if my car breaks down, how will I get to work. So she needs to be taken care of. I also need to put some money into place and get the electric turned over into my name asap. That way all the trust Aaron has put in me isn't wasted. I want to look good in his eyes, and I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of his kindness or that he might have made the wrong choice in letting me have the place.
I have learned over time that if you have a good landlord, stay on his good side, because if needed he will be there to help you out, or be a little more understanding if something unexpected arises. Further, if you want to stay within budget and make ends meet you have to keep your priority items in focus, it is often easy to lose focus of them and overspend and then when that happens it becomes nearly impossible to catch back up once you fall behind.
Keep in mind when you embark on a new journey or the next phase of your life, you want to reassess and evaluate not only your goals, but your priorities as well. This is important, because you want to keep on top of your bills, and budget yourself accordingly so you don't overspend. Make sure that the necessity items are always paid first, or plan them out so that they are lined up and ready to go as the funds come available. Remember must haves, come first then luxury items. If you stay focused on that you will be okay, no matter what kind of adventure you are on. As I said I need to make sure that I keep the maintenance up on the car. I am not at home anymore, and I can't rely on dad or step-mom to take me where I need to go unless I make proper arrangements. No more spur of the moment things.
You know I set a lot of this in motion because my boyfriend has been pushing me to get out and get us a place, how ironic that I have made the moves that he wanted me too and I have no way of letting him know. I hope that he has been reading my blog, he used to read it daily, but something happened back in September and he fell behind in reading it. Now, understand that I am not the only one he isn't talking to. He isn't talking to anyone, including his family at the moment. So I honestly know that he isn't angry or upset with me this is just a phase that he is going through. I did leave him a voice mail tonight telling him I was having my first cooked meal at the apartment, that it was Steak, cheddar and broccoli rice with lima beans, and that I wished he was here in our new home with me. Yes, I did say our new home, because if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have made as much of an effort to get a nice place like this. Because I could have stayed in a little motel with just a bed and tv and been just fine. But, I wanted something nice for us to call home. A place that is close to the beach and the river and not far from all the entertainment stuff. I want him to have a great experience with Florida, he has never really been here. I did say in the voice mail that I was concerned and that I wanted to know if he still wanted to be with me and that I loved him. Even now after all this time I have insecurities, mainly about myself, not about the relationship, I think he understands that more than anyone. Plus our anniversary is coming up, at Thanksgiving it will be 5 years...I just wish he was here with me.
So what do I want you to learn from everything I have written here, because believe it or not there are a few things I need you to take away with you. First off, understand that somethings happen to us that are beyond our control, but it is how we handle them that helps us grow and mature. Second, I refer you back to the blog entry I wrote the other day about realignment, readjusting, reevaluating and moving on. Remember this when you reevaluate your goals and dreams you must also reevaluate your priorities. You must realign them and structure them in order of importance, and by that I mean you need to keep in focus the necessity items and put them first then worry about the want to have items. Finally, no matter what you do and how your are feeling if you are acting out of love know in your heart that love is going to be felt and seen by others, it will be noticed eventually by the person it was meant too. Keep the faith and know in your heart that I am telling you the sincere truth. They will see the effort that you have put forth for them and it will be rewarded. Finally, if I have learned anything during this move is this "Keep your eyes and heart on God" He will provide and He will bless you for the work and effort you have put forth. He rewards those that help themselves and takes care of us when we fall short. Miracles and Wonders do exist my friends, by keeping faith and stepping out, taking that chance you will see how many blessing will flow your way. Keep your head up.
As always I am here if you ever need to talk, or just want to say Hi. Feel free to drop me a line anytime. You can send me an email to bryanzepp@gmail.com or you can find me on Facbook bryan.zepp2 or on twitter @bryanzepp. I would love to hear from you, receive your feedback and your thoughts. You can also join my blogger site if you want. I encourage you to keep reading and keep the faith.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I woke up around 9 am this morning and was trying to toast myself a bagel in the oven. For those of you who haven't experienced that don't do it. Come to find out that it is really easy to burn the thing if you aren't extremely careful. Hahaha...anyhow, ate my breakfast and the next thing I know my dad is pulling into the driveway with his truck loaded down. I mean everything that I had left behind at the house except my crutches and my cane which I don't need at the moment. I will need the cane after the next operation at least for twelve to eighteen weeks. I honestly hate having my abdomen opened up...takes so long to recover...but oh well life goes on. Anyhow my father also brought me a number of other things that will make life a lot easier. He brought me a dresser, a TV table and a huge chest that I can store stuff in, however, at the moment it has this huge old TV that he brought me. Unfortunately he accidentally ripped off the cable connector from the back so the only thing I can do at the moment is play dvd's on it. But we will see, I was planning on buying a new TV anyway. You know me I am a technology whore and have to have the latest and greatest so I am probably going to end up with one of them smart TV's.
I was worrying about money and how I was going to stretch what little I have left to cover everything I need to pay and still have groceries, and get to Orlando and all of that stuff. I told you all about that last night, well you know dad agreed to lend me a $150.00 to cover my bills till I get paid, but you know what I have all that money from the hotel coming back that I forgot about so, even after I went out today and bought the pots and pans that I wanted. Groceries and instead of the dish set settled on paper plates and plastic wear for the time being. I only have to make it till Thursday and then I can go out and buy the dishes I want and the silverware, and get a microwave oven and all the other things that I want. See I am okay roughing it for a little while, it is just me and I don't have to impress anyone right now. Like I told you on Friday evening sometimes taking things slowly and working them out has a way of getting us exactly what we want. So I am good.
With all of that being said I was talking to my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this afternoon and was telling him that I have been thinking about this living room set that I saw at Big Lots that I really liked, and that come Thursday I would have the money get it. Then it dawned on me that already I am jumping the gun and that I need to reevaluate my priorities. See, there are things that I need to consider and take care of first before I run out and spend that money I have coming in foolishly. See, maybe I should keep going slowly, and shop around, look at things and make sure that I take care of business first. I should put some of the cash away that I will have from my paycheck towards, giving this man his deposit for living here. I know he said that we would break it down over 3 months, but let's get a head start on that by putting a little towards it now, then there is my car which needs an oil change, it needs to have some fuses fixed and the back window is off track and needs to be fixed so I need to invest some funds that way. Listen taking care of priorities and necessary items first is a good way to ensure that you don't get screwed. Trust me if my car breaks down, how will I get to work. So she needs to be taken care of. I also need to put some money into place and get the electric turned over into my name asap. That way all the trust Aaron has put in me isn't wasted. I want to look good in his eyes, and I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of his kindness or that he might have made the wrong choice in letting me have the place.
I have learned over time that if you have a good landlord, stay on his good side, because if needed he will be there to help you out, or be a little more understanding if something unexpected arises. Further, if you want to stay within budget and make ends meet you have to keep your priority items in focus, it is often easy to lose focus of them and overspend and then when that happens it becomes nearly impossible to catch back up once you fall behind.
Keep in mind when you embark on a new journey or the next phase of your life, you want to reassess and evaluate not only your goals, but your priorities as well. This is important, because you want to keep on top of your bills, and budget yourself accordingly so you don't overspend. Make sure that the necessity items are always paid first, or plan them out so that they are lined up and ready to go as the funds come available. Remember must haves, come first then luxury items. If you stay focused on that you will be okay, no matter what kind of adventure you are on. As I said I need to make sure that I keep the maintenance up on the car. I am not at home anymore, and I can't rely on dad or step-mom to take me where I need to go unless I make proper arrangements. No more spur of the moment things.
You know I set a lot of this in motion because my boyfriend has been pushing me to get out and get us a place, how ironic that I have made the moves that he wanted me too and I have no way of letting him know. I hope that he has been reading my blog, he used to read it daily, but something happened back in September and he fell behind in reading it. Now, understand that I am not the only one he isn't talking to. He isn't talking to anyone, including his family at the moment. So I honestly know that he isn't angry or upset with me this is just a phase that he is going through. I did leave him a voice mail tonight telling him I was having my first cooked meal at the apartment, that it was Steak, cheddar and broccoli rice with lima beans, and that I wished he was here in our new home with me. Yes, I did say our new home, because if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have made as much of an effort to get a nice place like this. Because I could have stayed in a little motel with just a bed and tv and been just fine. But, I wanted something nice for us to call home. A place that is close to the beach and the river and not far from all the entertainment stuff. I want him to have a great experience with Florida, he has never really been here. I did say in the voice mail that I was concerned and that I wanted to know if he still wanted to be with me and that I loved him. Even now after all this time I have insecurities, mainly about myself, not about the relationship, I think he understands that more than anyone. Plus our anniversary is coming up, at Thanksgiving it will be 5 years...I just wish he was here with me.
So what do I want you to learn from everything I have written here, because believe it or not there are a few things I need you to take away with you. First off, understand that somethings happen to us that are beyond our control, but it is how we handle them that helps us grow and mature. Second, I refer you back to the blog entry I wrote the other day about realignment, readjusting, reevaluating and moving on. Remember this when you reevaluate your goals and dreams you must also reevaluate your priorities. You must realign them and structure them in order of importance, and by that I mean you need to keep in focus the necessity items and put them first then worry about the want to have items. Finally, no matter what you do and how your are feeling if you are acting out of love know in your heart that love is going to be felt and seen by others, it will be noticed eventually by the person it was meant too. Keep the faith and know in your heart that I am telling you the sincere truth. They will see the effort that you have put forth for them and it will be rewarded. Finally, if I have learned anything during this move is this "Keep your eyes and heart on God" He will provide and He will bless you for the work and effort you have put forth. He rewards those that help themselves and takes care of us when we fall short. Miracles and Wonders do exist my friends, by keeping faith and stepping out, taking that chance you will see how many blessing will flow your way. Keep your head up.
As always I am here if you ever need to talk, or just want to say Hi. Feel free to drop me a line anytime. You can send me an email to bryanzepp@gmail.com or you can find me on Facbook bryan.zepp2 or on twitter @bryanzepp. I would love to hear from you, receive your feedback and your thoughts. You can also join my blogger site if you want. I encourage you to keep reading and keep the faith.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Misadventures in Paradise
Well for those of you who aren't aware of current events in my life, I am finally back in Florida, where I should have never left in the first place. I went to meet Kerry in Atlanta that turned into the biggest fiasco the world has ever known. Anyhow, I went up there ended up getting jumped by 3 people that got my money, my ID, and almost lost my car. It was the most terrifying experience of my life and I never felt so alone. I did however make a remarkable discovery about myself and the people I counted as my friends. When push came to shove people only care about themselves and what they can get out of you.
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
If it wasn't for a special person named Tony Aliguan who actually took the time to look after me and made sure that I was safe. He risked his life and well-being to make sure that I was taken care of. I owe him my life many times over, he made sure that I went to the hospital when it looked pretty scary for me. I had become severely dehydrated, my kidney's failed and I was running on empty. Tony made sure that I was fed, clothed and was safe. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how lucky I was to have Tony by my side helping through this ordeal.
I do know that I don't plan on going back to Atlanta, and if I do, it will be under totally different circumstances. See I went as a surprise, I didn't tell a lot of people my plans, so when tragedy struck and I lost everything I didn't know who to turn too, I had no numbers and I was trapped. Finally, a break came when I went to the Buckhead Christian Ministries and they allowed me the use of the computer. I was then able to access my gmail account and my telephone numbers. I got a hold of my dad and he was able to wire me money to make it home. I had already spent the night in the hospital and knew that I was seriously sick, so the best thing for me to do was get in my car as soon as I got the money and head home. Which is what I did. Unfortunately, when I left, I didn't do it gracefully or with tact! I was in a hurry, I didn't take the time to express my thanks to Tony or any of the few others that had helped me out while I was stuck on the streets of Atlanta for 8 days. So here is my opportunity to express how I felt and my feelings toward that situation.
I want to Thank the following people for sticking by me through everything, for taking my calls and listening to my whining and nagging. My bitching and belly-aching. I want to thank Gerard Alexander for sleeping in my car with me and making sure that I was safe my entire stay, Tony, thank you for keeping your promise and making sure that I was fed, taken care of and safe the entire time. Merger, for being there and talking to me when I was desperate and alone with no one to turn too. To Scotty for offering to loan me the money to make the trip home and making sure that I was well taken care of by Tony and Gerard, for checking in with me every couple of days to make sure I was eating and well rested. If it wasn't for all of you pulling together and taking care of me I would have died on that lonely street.
For those of you who took advantage of my situation, pushed me down and tried to hold me down, I feel sorry for you because I will tell you what Karma is a bitch and what comes around goes around. For those of you who stole my money and my cell phone, I know who you are and believe me I will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Beware the wrath of a queen scorned. I am not a vindictive person but I do get back at those that hurt me on purpose. For those of you who were there and turned your back on me, I don't count you as my friends anymore, and you know who you are. You are the ones who got all the voice mails and messages from me but couldn't be bothered to answer the phone or even offer me a word of advice.
Thanks to the Buckhead Christian Ministries for the fabulous work that you are doing for the homeless and destitute people of Atlanta, you are a beacon of light in a darkness that could have swallowed a person whole and left them to die. I appreciate the food, the clothing and the supportive talks that you gave me when I needed the faith and encouragement to keep on going.
As for my adventures, I can honestly say, that I steered myself clear of the drugs, the misdirection that was thrown in my path. I tried very hard to keep my dignity and head held high. I know that I failed at times, and that I complained about how I felt awful the entire time I was there. I know it seemed like I was whining and doing nothing about my situation, however, believe it or not, I was fighting my own internal battle. I won, I triumphed and I made it home alive. Now, as I have said I couldn't have done any of this without the support of my true friends. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. There is a special place inside of me for all of you. I will make it up to you all some how for the sacrifices that you made on my behalf. I love you all and I know we will see each other again soon.
Advice, I would like to give, when you find yourself in a situation and are helpless, try not to cling to those that are helping you. It adds weight and a burden on them that they don't necessarily deserve. I only saw this after the fact and I am so sorry for the lack of grace and dignity in which I left the situation. I owe you all so much and I am thankful that you were there when I needed you the most.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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