Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Open your mouth let's talk about it! HIV is still alive and Well!

I am sickened once again and want to bring this subject back to your attention.  We are living in a day where HIV/AIDS isn't mainstream media coverage anymore, but it doesn't mean that it has gone away, isn't a threat, believe me it is still there and ready to jump on anyone it can come in contact with.  Remember, HIV doesn't care who you are, your ethnicity, your social status, or sexual preference, it will infect anyone that it comes in contact with.  I recently saw an article on the web about Atlanta, how more people there are being diagnosed with Full AIDS versus HIV.  That means there are too many people neglecting themselves.  It is everyone's job to Know Their Status.  It not only protects the one being tested but those they love and have sexual conduct with.

This morning a friend of mine sent me a report from POZ.Com which states that 91% of HIV passes from those that don't know their status or who are not in care.  This is a tremendous percentage and something that we need to talk about.  The United States has gone from a state of panic and awareness to a place of complacency and silence.  This is totally unacceptable!  Something must be done, and I am calling on you to help me reach out and spread the word.  I would like to see the end of HIV in my lifetime.  I have a group of friends and we go out and speak all the time trying to end fear, prejudice and misunderstandings about HIV/AIDS.  There are too many young people today that have no idea how they can contract the disease.  Today's youth those that are ages 17-30 don't seem to have a clue how or where they can contract this disease.  It is so bad in the area in which I live that a friend of mine was terrified the first time he came over to my house.  He didn't want to touch me, use any of my cups or utensils for fear of the disease, I didn't know it then.  But, by listening to me talk to others, he soon learned that HIV/AIDS wasn't something that could be picked up casually like an online date for the evening.  No, he found out that it was a blood borne disease and could only be transmitted if one had some type of mishap or had sexual relations without protection.

Once he explained to me how afraid he had been when he first met me, and how I had helped educated him on the disease all without my knowing that he was scared mind you.  This made me realize that I was doing something right.  I don't have a problem opening up to others and telling them my story.  I reveal to anyone who will listen my disease and what it can do and how it can be prevented.  The group I spoke about earlier is called the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau, whose aim it is to end stigma associated with HIV/AIDS, but we also seek to educated others about the disease, we try to show and demonstrate in our lives that this disease can happen to anyone. Our group is a cross-section of those we represent.  We are composed of both gay and straight men and women, minorities, and magnetic couples.  We don't discriminate at all we have come together with the realization that there is still too much ignorance in the world about this disease.  We all have different backgrounds, educations, religious preferences, nationalities  and races.  We are the changing Faces of AIDS.  No one on this planet is exempt from exposure and once you realize that the job of education and training becomes a much larger challenge.

Much to my dismay many of us who are infected find it hard to talk about our illness.  Why are we so shy when it comes to talking about HIV?  Many of the reasons could be: because of fear, fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being made and example of, fear of people making fun of us. Whatever it is that is keeping us from talking about it needs to be address and the only way to do that is by educating and personalizing the stigma associated with HIV/AIDs if we can rid ourselves of this fear we might more effectively reach a broader spectrum of people.  Fear and hysteria were hallmarks of the early years of this disease.  Widespread public panic forced pharmaceutical companies to invest billions of dollars into research, the government was pushed into action by appropriating money toward research, and the CDC was born.  Back then the new media broadcast stories about people suffering with AIDS, it became a household name.  But, fear ran wild in those days because there wasn't a clear understand of what the disease was or how it was transmitted.  It was commonly mislabeled as the Gay Disease, Gay Cancer, GRID and so forth.  However, this epidemic wasn't isolated to one specific group it soon moved to the rest of the population.  It went from an outbreak to and epidemic to a pandemic in less than 20 years.  There is still no cure for the disease but new testing has made early detection possible and new medications have come out that make it easier for an infected individual to live longer and stay healthier.   Times have changed and so have the attitudes of the people, but it is important to understand that just because these advancements come about doesn't mean that people aren't still dying from the disease.  Yes there is still money going into research, and everyday more and more information comes out about the virus.  But, it isn't news worthy, doesn't get the headlining like it used too.

Back in the 1990's a memorial quilt was made each panel was exactly 6' x 3' and was decorated by the people that loved and missed the person whose name was on the panel.  It used to be displayed all over the country at Gay Pride events.  Today, it has been retired and portions of it are displayed in Washington D.C. and other places.  Gay Pride events have become exaggerated craft fairs, concerts and commercialized, some education goes on but it is the secondary focus I am afraid.  Does the youth of today that visit these Pride events even know that there was a memorial AIDS Quilt?  Do they have any idea of what it was like to watch friends and family pass away with lesions and extreme complications to this horrible disease?  I don't think they do.  Those of us that are old enough to have lived through the 80's and 90's recall all of these things and so much more. We can tell you that the reason why the panels on the quilt were exactly 6' x 3' because it was the exact measurement of a coffin.  We were burying those we loved.  A whole was ripped into our society, loss and fear were rampant.  I would also hazard to guess that these younger generation kids don't even understand the significance of Gay Pride, and why we actually celebrate it yearly.  Who out there remembers the Stonewall Riots, the beginning of the Gay Pride movement, how we struggled for acceptance, equality and equal rights.  As I have said earlier times have changed, and we the custodians of knowledge have done a very poor job in educating those that come after us about the beginnings and reasons why we have some of the celebrations and memorial services that we do have.

If we can ever hope to get a handle on this disease and make sure that it finally ends within our lifetime is to take a bigger active role in this education process.  We have to shake these fears, and open our mouths, we must tell anyone who will listen about HIV/AIDS, dispel the lies, fears, and ignorance that surround this disease.  It can only get worse if we sweep it under the carpet and try to hide it. Does it really matter that people are living longer and are living healthier with the disease today?  Of course it does, but it doesn't end the hatred, fear, persecution and other stigmas associated with the disease.  Only by being transparent and letting the world know that we won't accept and tolerate these types of behavior anymore.  Plus, we need to emphasize the importance of getting tested regularly and KNOWING YOUR STATUS.

Please don't hide your head in the sand, it is everyone's responsibility.  How many of you know that 3 out of every 5 people you pass on the street are HIV positive and don't even know it.  Do you realize that in the United States that every 7 seconds another person is being diagnosed with HIV?  It is staggering to think about these things and yet so little is being done to educate our young people.  I live in Daytona Beach, Florida, and I live very close to Bethune-Cookman College which resides in the heaviest hit zipcode in Florida of HIV Infection.

Please take the time and talk to anyone around you who will listen to your story. You don't know who around you might need to be inspired by you and might gain hope just by hearing your testimony.  Encourage everyone you know to get tested regularly and to Know their Status, it might not only save their life, but those that they love and care about.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Bigger than Life

Today has been all about a very dear friend of mine that I will never forget.  Someone that never had much but was happy and content with everything she had.  She wasn't self-conscious, vain, or envious. She was brutally honest, courageous, and magnanimous.  Was never to busy to talk, had great shoulders to cry on, and a smile that lit up the room.  She always saw the good in people, never found fault, never stayed down for long and always had a kind smile, warm heart for anyone that came into her life.  She was a very dynamic force and one that couldn't be contained in one body.  Maybe that is the reason why God took her so young!

Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises.  She had a personality that was larger than life.  She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.

She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for.  She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end.  She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous.  Whatever she felt she said.

Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that.  It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her.  When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love.  I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it.  She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.

I was fortunate to live close to Mary.  I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life.  She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend.  That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.

Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots.  I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it.  I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.

So what would I like to say to Mary?  Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else.  She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and  opportunities to share her testimony and her story.  When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs.  She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong.  She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied.  An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up.  I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.

She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return.  Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives.  For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.

Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers.  What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family.  She helped and loved beyond any situation.  She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times.  She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.

I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy".  Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth.  Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!

Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside.  She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today.  She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings.  I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone!  She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.

When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it.  When I tell you that she loved, she did!  She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well.  I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.

You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me.  So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives.  You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened.  We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us.  We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got.  Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.

What can you learn from Mary?  Everything there is to know about life and living.  Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world.  Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls.  Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen.  Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you.  Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you.  Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything.  Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be.  You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it.  That is what is meant by being transparent.  We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul.  Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task".  Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.

But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about  her, she will also live in you.  You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her.  Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers.  Trust me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Expect the Unexpected...

As most of you are aware the first few days of December have been extremely busy for me. We had rehearsal for the play “Faces of AIDS” on Thursday November 29^th and the actual live performance was on December 1^st. Now keep in mind that December 1^st is World's AIDS Day and it is also my birthday. This year I turned 44, which is surprising and amazing in itself since no one ever thought I was going to make it to be this old. But you know God has different ideas and plans for our lives and if our work on earth isn't finished then he just might not bring you home. Actually if you want to know that truth of the matter my life started picking up speed right before Thanksgiving and hasn't actually slowed down yet. But as I was saying since I was co-author of the play and a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and this was a benefit to raise funds for our organization to help us meet the grant requirements, it was my duty to help set up the space and get us ready for the performance. However since it was my birthday I was expected to make an appearance at my dad's place to have a little celebration before the rehearsal and set up, so that is just what I did and it worked out well, I was able to get to the Museum of Arts and Sciences early and help the cast get all set up and organized. Now when I tell you that the performance was awesome, a good time was had by all, I am not selling us short. For the amount of time we had to rehearse and get this under our belts we did a fabulous job. We had a great turn out and when we opened it up to questions and answers the audience participation was excellent. I want to again tell the members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau once again, Good Job, Well Done and I am so proud of you.

But that was just the beginning of the adventure that was going to start on December 1^st, after the Faces of AIDS Benefit, most of us went on to the Streamline Hotel for another fund-raising event that was to benefit Outreach Community Care Network an AIDS Service Organization of which I am a client of. They are the organization that helps administer the Ryan White Title funding for Volusia and Flagler counties. They are almost like a pride center, they offer medical services, case management, and a whole host of other services. But I digress as usual here. The benefit at the Streamline Hotel was in Tribute and Remembrance of Billie Boots. Who was a pioneer and champion in raising money for HIV and AIDS from the very beginning. I am proud to say that I knew Billie and the huge heart that he/she had for those infected and affected by HIV. For those of you that haven't figured it out Billie was a female impersonator or as some might call her a Drag Queen, no matter what your choice of titles for Billie, I will just say this an Entertainer that really loved Entertaining. Now back in the day when I first met Billie I was a struggling and aspiring female entertainer myself and I had a stage name of Idora Dixx and for years I traveled the drag circuit with folks like Billie Boots, Gilda Golden, Rusty Fawcett, Carmella Marcella Garcia, Paige King, Daniel Hunter and the list goes on. It was at this fundraiser at the Streamline that I ran into my past and reconnected with some great friends and entertainers that I had lost touch with over the years. It was a fabulous night and a great time supporting a worthy cause.

It was also that night that my tooth broke, so Monday I spent the day trying to get in to see a dentist to get it fixed, and then start packing, because my friend Judy decided to call me Sunday December 2^nd and pay for my plane ticket out to L.A. Then Tuesday came and I had an appointment with the dentist in Orlando so my friend Mary Bennefield and I jumped in the car and drove to Orlando to see the dentist only to be sent away because I had an infection and my insurance would only cover extracting the tooth. Wednesday my friend had neuro-surgery and I promised to take Mary grocery shopping and run errands. Thursday I had to clean house, do laundry, meet with the Vocational Rehabilitation people and so many other things. Because I was leaving on my trip to California on Friday. Now normally I am not so manic, but I really wanted to get the house clean and everything put up so that when I came home from this trip everything would be done and I wouldn't have to do anything but come home and relax. Because in my experience I usually need a vacation from the vacation because I am one of those people that is always on the go.

Now the whole reason why I am telling you all of this stuff is to demonstrate that we need to always expect the unexpected and be amazed and surprised when miracles happen in our lives. Because let me tell you a bit more about this past week, the things that just jumped out at me and happened. These are not all bad things, most of them have been pleasant revelations and I want to demonstrate them to you. See the way things were happening, me being sick with pneumonia right after Thanksgiving, the play rehearsals, then the benefits, I just had no time to think let alone do anything but react. Because of that I was open to the unexpected and great things happened. I think in a way because I wasn't feeling well, and so much was happening around me, my mind just disconnected and I was open to receiving the unexpected. Now what am I talking about by the unexpected? Well let me tell you, the unexpected are events that take place around you and include you that you are unprepared for totally. That being said I will use the play event as an example, even though I had helped write the script for the play and helped with stage managing and blocking the cast, I wasn't actually prepared mentally for the performance. I had just been out of the hospital for 7 days and my mind couldn't remember my lines to save my life. But when it came down too it and I was on the stage and the action was happening around me, a peace settled over me, it almost seemed like time slowed down, and the action around me faded just a little, and the words poured out of my mind and mouth like I knew what they were supposed to be. That my friends is the unexpected. Moving on, I was exhausted and my feet hurt from being on them all day, I had no intention of going to the Streamline that night, but I had never been there before and everyone was talking about going and somehow I just agreed and went. Bam! The unexpected happened, not only did I have a fantastic time and got to hangout with my new friends from the Speakers Bureau, I also ran into some very old and dear friends from my past. I actually reconnected with a few, exchanged numbers and have made plans with them for after my trip to California. So see, the unexpected just jumped out at me and happened. The rest of the week was just happening so fast and everything was a blur, I didn't think I would even have time to catch my breath let alone get everything done that I wanted to get done before I left, but as I shut the door on my apartment this morning I smiled on with contentment everything was completed and done before my father ever showed up to take me to the airport.

Here is another example of expect the unexpected, and it wasn't necessarily a good thing either, see the unexpected can be either good or bad depending on the situation and the circumstances that surround it. I got up this morning had a few last minute things to pack, which I had put out in the living room by the suitcase so I would see them when I got up, I got all of that done with remarkable precision, even had the ticket laying on the coffee table in a place where I would see it and pick it up. Dad got there and I scooted around to get him the stuff I wanted him to take home because I thought it might go bad while I was gone. As we left out I gave the keys to my neighbor so she could collect my mail for me and stuff, and had dad take me to the gas station to get an electronic cigarette so I could have something to smoke on while I was in the airport and on the plane. Once I paid for it and got back in the car I looked around and couldn't find my itinerary or e-tickets anywhere. I couldn't find them in the car, we went back to the gas station and they weren't there, and then we went back to my apartment and I looked around and couldn't find them anywhere. All my careful planning and making sure I had everything went right out the door. I had made dad come over early so I could be early to the airport. Got there just a little before noon and guess what the flight didn't leave until 3:55, it was supposed to leave at 1:52. Then my connecting flight in Charlotte was also delayed. Again, it is me, I should have expected the unexpected!

Honestly no matter how hard I try to plan something it always falls apart or turns out a colossal mess, however if I do things spontaneously and by the seat of my pants it usually turns out spectacular. I have been told that it is a part of my nature as dictated by my zodiac sign which is Sagittarius. I am not sure how true that is but I know that things seem to flow better and have better results when I just wing it as they say. So, what is it that I am trying to tell you in this article? I am telling you that you have to be open and flexible. Life rarely goes the way we want or plan, you have to accept the inevitable and just go with the flow, the unexpected isn't always negative, it can have some positive benefits as well just like in my examples. The truth is life just happens and no matter how carefully you plan, sculpt and try to make things happen, it might just go awry for no apparent reasons. Realizing this will cut down on the stress and disappointment you feel when it happens to you. I have told you before that life is messy, full of twisted and colorful characters, chance events and encounters, adventures and all sorts of things that will get you totally filthy dirty if you let it. Enjoy it, go out there and get crazy wild and totally dirty, but have fun doing it. Don't let your temper flair because your vacations plans got screwed up, go with the flow, enjoy yourself. I am sure that if you just let it go, go with the flow and enjoy yourself no matter what you are going to have the time of your life.

Life is crazy, hectic, and doesn't conform nicely or neatly into rigid roles, rules and plans, so you have to expect that you are going to be thrown a curve-ball every now and then, that your plans are never going to happen as you expect them to and that you have to be flexible and enthusiastic enough to just go with it and enjoy it. This trip started off pretty good and I am rolling with the flow here, and I am happy that I did, I haven't gotten upset or stressed out at all and this is going to be the best trip ever, wanna know why? Cuz, I found out that my boyfriend is coming to meet me tomorrow which is totally unexpected, but totally welcome. Again expect the unexpected and be open to change. It is all about acceptance and adaptability.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)

As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured.  But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year.  I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds.  This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here.  It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you.  Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously.  However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed.  There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.

I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year.  This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me.  I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days.  I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart.  This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared.  Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning.  I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit.  I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week.  To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area.  I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area.  I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans.  Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got.  The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me.  How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable.  This actually touched me in a very deep way.

See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person.  How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line.  See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us.  Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them.  Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world.  Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you.   As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death.  It  has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others.  I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed.  There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them.  Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were.  People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!

I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them.  I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you.  I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions.  You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time.  I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it.  Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this.  I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together.  I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me.  But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come.  He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came.  We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try?  I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.

Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me.  Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there.  I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon.  Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call.   When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room.  We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time.  However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life.  He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years.  That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy.  Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry.  Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure.  Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually  thought he was interested in someone else.  It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted.  His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk.  However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.

I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them.  In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With".  It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others.  I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up.  See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep.  I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital.  Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis.  Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying.  At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact.  I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year.  So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet.  Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.

This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year.  I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet.  I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life.  I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world.  On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about.  But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day.  I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me.  I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface.  That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.

Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me.  This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own.  Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me.  But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me.  This is new and it is interesting.  As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently.  I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world.  After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have.  We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation.  Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.

But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease.  That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction.  That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed.  In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing.  I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through.  Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists.  Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder.  But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me.  When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.

As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on.  In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots.  His perception of me was changed.  See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex.  You just never know do you!  Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying.  It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them.  So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story.  Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally.  God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me.  He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for.  He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be.  He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could.  When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.

Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you.  For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me.  I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health.  I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year.  Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration.  But it is because of all of you that I am.  It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown.  It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing.  It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone.  You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in.  I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life.  Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on.  Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.

Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B