Keep on coming back for more!

No matter how much we fuss and fight with each other we keep coming back for more.  The truth is that we can't get enough of each other.  You complete the other half of me, the fit might not be perfect but you are the only thing that makes me feel the way that you do.

It is true that I pick and find fault it is just my way of telling you that I love you. but the truth is I wouldn't want you any other way.   Love is an impossible creature to hold down and name, but we have tried on so many different names and styles, but is you that I have always dreamed of.

You are my one and only and I hope that I am the same to you.  I have found home in your arms and comfort in your eyes.  I surrender to you because you are the light I follow in the darkness,  I know that in you find safe harbor and rest.

No matter how from you I roam it is you that is always on my mind. I miss your kiss, you touch and your sweet embrace. I count the minutes, hours and days till I see you again. No matter what we have been through I just can't get enough of you.

So, if you were to throw me out the door, I want you to know that I would keep coming back for more.  Because you are my Love, light and everything.  Yes, it is true I treasure and love everything about you.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dare to Dream Make it Happen

Earlier today I posted an entry about fear, I gave a very simple plan to overcome and face that fear.  A way in which we can eliminate some of the risk and weigh the consequences to sway our decision making process.  But, there is something else that I would like to talk to you about.  Dare to dream, because we live in a world today that makes it possible for us to attain our dreams, if we just apply ourselves.  Make every decision with the goal of your dream firmly ahead of you.

Dreams are a wonderful thing, they can propel us to be better than ourselves.  One person can change the world, one idea can spark a universe of change.  Great leaders are called to service and if you are wondering by what I mean when I say called? I am talking about sharing your passion with the world, exploring your dreams and soaring to the heights of your imagination.  Life is short and fleeting, but each of us adds our own unique signature to the world as we pass through it.  We are unique works of art and we enhance the world that knows us.

I bet the Benjamin Franklin never thought that any of his letters or works of writing would be remembered and quoted hundreds of years after his death.  He was a diplomat, inventor, writer, and many other things.  What makes us worthy of being remembered in the history books?  Will we be remembered like the President, or a famous person?  Maybe not on such a grand scale.  But I will tell you that someone in this world who has been touched by you and your life and presence  will remember you always.  Who knows my writing maybe remembered way after I have left this world. 

I have been told that my writing is simply easy to understand and extremely to the point on many issues facing those around me and who read my blog.  But, my blog for me is mainly as a coping mechanism and a place where I can purge my inner pain and issues.  I have never wanted to be famous, I just wanted to be liked and have the ability to help people who are dearly in need.  My dream has always been to leave my mark on this world by knowing that I have touched, helped, inspired as many people as I could and that they will always remember me. 

You cannot succeed in this world if you don't try and apply effort.  You will only find true happiness within yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you will only enjoy the work that you do if it is what you have a passion for.  Celebrate your talent and follow your hearts desires, you owe it to yourself to be true to your dream.  Remember, that life is but a fleeting thing and we cannot all be famous, but we all can be remembered by our friends and those that have loved us.  

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is it I am searching for?

I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love.  But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give.  It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't.  I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else.  As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.

I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way.  I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating.  What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.

So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind.  I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths.  I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not.  I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am.  Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on.  Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves.  A person who doesn't want anyone else but me.  I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.

I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word.  Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look.  A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me.  Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak.  A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.

Do you think that I am expecting too much?  Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life.  Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find.  I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way.  The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get.  Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.

I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit.  Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some.  For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.

Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it.  I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable.  I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.

Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Be Honest with me Please!

This is my constant plea, I just want people to be honest with me.  Tell me the unvarnished truth.  If it hurts my feelings for a minute so what, I am grown and I will get over it.  You don't know how many times I have told people that come into my life, this very same thing.  There is never a good reason to lie to anyone.  Even more so if you are trying to have a relationship with that person.   How many times have you caught someone you are dating in a lie?  Isn't it sad!

I want people to know that the one thing that will break my trust with you faster than anything else is for me to catch you in a lie.  I am on this living truthfully kick, it is hard, but you know what I think my friends and associates appreciate me more because I say exactly what is on my mind and I no longer sugar coat the truth.  I blurt it out without a filter.  See, I have many doctors that keep telling me that I am nearing the end of the road.  But you and I both know that God just might have some other plans for me.

Life has become too short and fragile for me to hold things back.  Instead of hiding and holding my feelings in like I used to I express them immediately, I get it out there and it makes me feel better.  I am learning that there is a time and place for everything including tact.  I have to learn that sometimes it is important to hold ones tongue.  However, it is never appropriate to lie to someone's face.  Honestly I think they will respect you more and the trust you are building with them will become stronger.

I had a lover once that used to introduce me to others as the lover he always wanted the person he never had to lie too.  I like that, because honestly if it wasn't for his temper and us fighting all the time, we might still be together today.  Amazingly we are very close friends and I have even told him that I honestly don't think our story is finished yet.  I certainly hope not.

My life has changed I think for the better over the last year.  I got away from the drug scene that was so prevalent in my life.  I got extremely ill, had an aneurysm and still survived and went into a nursing home for 6 months and came out a new person.  I am sad that I have lost some friends along the way, several have died and others have moved on and left me behind.  But to be honest with you, maybe it was for the best that I was left to my own devices and all alone.  The temptations of the past have gone with the people that I surrounded myself with. Now that they have moved on those temptations are gone.

Since the temptations are gone, so is the need to tell lies and hide the truth about myself and my life to everyone around me. You don't know how many times I had to sneak around and hide my true intentions from my parents, and others that cared about me.  Yet, there was one person I never wanted to lie too and that was my partner at the time.  He didn't seem to have the same convictions as I did because he lied to me about everything and everyone.  Doesn't matter now I suppose because he has moved on and found someone new, and I am happy for him.

But what is it about me that makes people want to lie to me and hide things from me?  I have been asking myself the same question for quite awhile now and I think it was the caliber of people that I was hanging around with.  They were lying to themselves and I was just an innocent bystander.  See the culture that I was exposed to was the meth community and I can tell you that when someone is on that drug they are wanting to screw anything that walks and breathes essentially. Honestly, they aren't trying to lie to you, they are trying to justify to themselves exactly what it is that they are doing. It just happens that they have lied to you in the process.

Now that I am sober again, and I have been analyzing the situation and the background that I have come from I can see it plainly now.

Yet, even when I wasn't doing drugs people have lied directly to my face.  These people were trying to spare my feelings.  See, sometimes when you are sick and going through some terrible things.  Those around you want to cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself.  What they don't understand is that you can see right through them and know that they are lying too you and that make you feel even worse about yourself and your condition.

I have been sick for so long and people are always trying to cheer me up by telling me that my color is good or that I am filling out that I have gained some weight.  I can tell that these are bolstering techniques and are meant to make me feel better, but what they actually are doing is making me look hard and closer at myself.  My judgement then becomes that mush harsher on myself than it should be.  I am my own worst critic and I have never liked the way I looked and have never thought of myself as attractive.

So it is my fondest wish that everyone who knows me to be 100 percent honest with me.  Tell me like it is, and if you can do that for me, maybe it will become habit for you and you can do it for everyone else.  I am so tired of hearing what everyone thinks I want to hear, just tell me the truth.

Remember that the truth starts at home. You must start with yourself and then work your way outward.  That was the lesson that took me so long to learn for myself.  I have always found it easy to lie to myself and rationalize my behavior and habits, but it was hard for me to stand up and be a hundred percent honest with myself.  So I had to start at home and focus on my inner self before I could shift the focus to the outer world.

So remember if you can be honest with yourself it will definitely be easier to be honest with everyone else.  Keep in mind that trust is built by showing how honest you are too others.  So build your foundations on truth and understanding and you will see that your relationships are stronger and will last longer.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Bigger than Life

Today has been all about a very dear friend of mine that I will never forget.  Someone that never had much but was happy and content with everything she had.  She wasn't self-conscious, vain, or envious. She was brutally honest, courageous, and magnanimous.  Was never to busy to talk, had great shoulders to cry on, and a smile that lit up the room.  She always saw the good in people, never found fault, never stayed down for long and always had a kind smile, warm heart for anyone that came into her life.  She was a very dynamic force and one that couldn't be contained in one body.  Maybe that is the reason why God took her so young!

Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises.  She had a personality that was larger than life.  She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.

She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for.  She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end.  She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous.  Whatever she felt she said.

Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that.  It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her.  When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love.  I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it.  She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.

I was fortunate to live close to Mary.  I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life.  She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend.  That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.

Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots.  I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it.  I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.

So what would I like to say to Mary?  Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else.  She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and  opportunities to share her testimony and her story.  When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs.  She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong.  She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied.  An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up.  I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.

She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return.  Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives.  For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.

Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers.  What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family.  She helped and loved beyond any situation.  She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times.  She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.

I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy".  Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth.  Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!

Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside.  She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today.  She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings.  I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone!  She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.

When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it.  When I tell you that she loved, she did!  She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well.  I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.

You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me.  So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives.  You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened.  We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us.  We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got.  Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.

What can you learn from Mary?  Everything there is to know about life and living.  Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world.  Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls.  Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen.  Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you.  Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you.  Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything.  Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be.  You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it.  That is what is meant by being transparent.  We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul.  Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task".  Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.

But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about  her, she will also live in you.  You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her.  Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers.  Trust me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Sea The Mist

Sea the mist was rolling in from the sea as I walked along the beach
sight obscured, buildings hidden, I felt as if I were walking through Eden
everything expose with nothing hidden and I wandered where I was forbidden.
Sea this Mist not prepared me for all of this, eyes shrouded became so very clouded
but the longer I walked the deeper my thoughts became
nothing was ever going to be the same
It was then I noticed that the veil across my heart and soul were being shifted.
like a  very heavy weight was being lifted.
Sea the Mist as I wandered down the sand this story is for every man who I have dated
those of you who never waited, always taking and cheating
and yet you wonder why my temper was always heating.
I wondered if I would have learned the secrets in your heart had you not been caught.
I am wondering if your friendship and your kindness wasn't bought.
Because you ran and like the grains of sand it hurt and irritated,
but I guess that's what happens when life becomes so segregated.
Sea the Mist thru the shining sun. Even it couldn't pierce the drifting fog and though I walked on and on.
I am not so sure where my prayers and tears had gone.
It is here in the Mist I see the stories and fabrications you sold, always hiding what you truly wanted. I guess it wasn't in the cards and was up to fate like I had drawn from lots
with all your lies and plots.
My heart wasn't a game to be played, yet a player you became
always wanting but never actually achieving fame.
Sea in the Mist life wasn't worth living in the past, and that is where you are, I'm not sure but because you couldn't change we drifted far apart. I often wonder why you couldn't see how you made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Clouds and light drifting by and still I am wondering why? I honestly don't believe you even wanted
to try and you ignored my pleas and my cry.
Why oh why didn't you come when I needed you? You turned your back and walked away
I never thought we would end this way
I guess everyone was right and you just stayed because it was easy and now I look back and
feel that your actions were very sleazy.
I saw it all so clear, here in the mist My beginning, my middle and my end
here it is that I will pass and all that will remain of me is a pile of ash.
I have given love so many times, sometime return most often not
yet it hasn't stop me or deterred me or even made me hot.
In this mist I see so clear what I held so dear was never very clear
Yet in the end I will begin again or so I believe
You see energy is never ever truly destroy it can be harnessed, manipulated even changed but
it truly never goes away, so you see my dears all of you who came and went
I will be watching over you  just you wait and see. Though you won't be able to see or hear me
I will be there and everywhere just you wait and see.
In every song you hear, every once in awhile just a memory or a thought
will hold me to this earth because here I am caught.
As much as I would like, I cannot stay any longer, my fight is finally over
not a wish, a pray or even a 4 leave clover can change this fact.
Sea the mist it signals the end. Not even the sun can burn it away
why oh why did it have to come today
I wanted more time to fix what was broke but I knew the answer the minute the doctor spoke
the kidneys have failed the liver too, treatment was too late
No more worries, no more tear will take away this fate.
Over and over I tried to say all that was in my heart today
Yet there wasn't any way.
Sea the Mist watch it come taking me from one place to home
I guess it is time for me to roam alone.
Sea that Mist and watch it come for I alone am it's only claim
I don't hold anyone to blame.
Its all on me can't you see. My fight gone on so long too much damage has been done
radiation, chemo too, and now this infection, trust me it wasn't fun
Wait and see I will be in the sun, on the wind and in those songs
say good-bye and let go of all the wrongs
Forgive is for yourself and no one else it helps you to move on to get closure
Just let go and give God a full disclosure.
Sea the Mist and follow my final wish


-B

What Have I Done? Captain-Save-a-Ho is Gone

A couple of weeks ago I talked to you about when is it going to be my turn. When am I going to find someone that puts me first, puts my needs and wants before their own, and when am I going to have someone that I can depend on?  For the answer to that my friends it has become evident that I am going to have to change something about myself. Do something about who and what others think and perceive me to be.  As sad as this might sound, I think I am the one that has caused others to see me as a person they can rely on, they can depend on me, and I am always going to be there to bail them out of every situation that they get themselves into.  I must have really done a number on myself and these individuals over time to have them, honestly think that I can always at the drop of a hat, reach out my hand and lift them back out of the situations they have gotten themselves into.

What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time.  The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore.  I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could.  A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in.  But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.

Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could.  I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over!  Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career.  I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out.  Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street.  How many of you are there when I need a helping hand?  How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay?  Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.

My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part".  This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now.  Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up.  You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want.  You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen.  Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.

See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you.  You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need.  It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other.  I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people.  I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on.  I guess that also means I have outgrown you.  See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means.  But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more.  I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger.  They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is.  The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there.  You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there.  Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.

I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me.  I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you.  In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity.  Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too.  Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.

I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return.  If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about.  If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation.  You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.

Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages.  You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.

Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me.  Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me.  I am so much more than you can see.  I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for.  We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away.  You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid.  You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's.  I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have.  If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.

I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be?  Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out.  I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here.  I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.

Take care T, I am gone.  Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html

Gay Relationships and there transitory nature

I find that the gay relationship and the gay definition of love to be somewhat more difficult to pin down and define.  Perhaps the reason why I feel this way is because of their transitory aspect of them.  Let me explain, for some reason gay men seem or appear to change their partners more often then their heterosexual counterparts.    Now, I know this is a broad ranging stereotype and not all gay men change their partners like they do their underwear. Yet, some do! I believe that there is a reason for this and I will explain.  I grew up in the 80's, graduated high school in '86, and joined the Navy in September of that same year.  I met my first lover after boot camp while attending A-school.  We were together for a little more than a year and half in Great Lakes and spent a great deal of time in Chicago. However, he graduated before me and was sent o the fleet.  After he left, I had finally came to terms with my sexuality and my desires and I began to sow my wild oats.  I discovered gay bars, alcohol and men, a lot of men.  When an arriving officer or dignitary would arrive on the ship, they would ring a bell and announce their title. Jokingly, my shipmates would tease me and say that the bells should ring when I came aboard and announce me as the Atlantic Fleet. Because of how many men I had been with.  Now, this is an exaggeration, but there was a time when I was very promiscuous.  Since me and my first had separated, with no set rules or parameters on our relationship.  We eventually did get back together, and went to C-school together spending another 2 years before he was sent back to the fleet. Long story short our off and on again relationship was to endure for seven years total before it ended.  

During that time we both experimented and tried all sorts of different things. What I was going through was what I called my "Slut Phase". I believe that this is something that all gay men go through.  Now hear me out on this...I believe that it is the mental liberation from the norms of society, the revolution of the male psyche and libido as they explore their sexuality.  Hence the instability!  Closeted males are usually pretty straight-laced with their interactions, but really let their hair down and go over the top in their secret adventures, exploring all aspects of the male and female body.  Eventually identifying with which group they feel more able to bond with socially and emotionally. It truly is my belief that we are all born bi-sexual, and that as we develop an affinity forms between which group (male or female) we feel more comfortable with and bond more easily with. I would say that this sexual revolution and experimentation starts in mid-teens and can last all the way up to early 30's.  As gay men get older this trend does seem to slow and calm down for most.  But, there are cases where a person is unable to deal with their sexuality and denies it or continues to hide it til much later in life.  These men may even marry and have families, and sneak out to indulge or scratch their itch on the side.  Only to one day come to the realization that they cannot continue living the lie and hurting everyone they love and care about. These types of situations are usually painful and highly messy. Wife and children feel betrayed and hurt, and don't fully comprehend that this has been a silent and secret battle that has been raging in side of their Husband or Father for his entire life time.  There are the other types that never seem to mature fully and never do come to understand or grasp the concept between love and lust and they will continue to jump from relationship or partner to partner.  But, as I did say as some gay men get older and they mature, they begin to realize what they want and like to settle down and begin building a relationship with another person.

This is just a part of the reason why young gay men find it so hard to settle down and maintain a relationship, the other part is the misconception these young men associate and call love.  Because in actuality as they are going through the "Slut Phase"  lust and hormones are substituted and mistaken for love. It is really easy to confuse intense physical attraction with love and to proceed to try and make a relationship happen. This then brings up a question in my mind, which comes first the relationship or love?  My thoughts on this are mixed, but I will endeavor to explain. Lust and love, flip-sides of the same coin aren't they?  It is hard to have one without the other, though I guess in some cases it can be done. Lust is the initial stages of love, that if nurtured and treated correctly can grow into love. See the key to understanding love is that there has to be a mutual attraction, which is then combined with knowledge, acceptance, and understanding of the other person, this then forms emotional ties that bind the together as one.  To explore does a relationship have to have love to work?  The answer is NO , keeping in mind that two individuals can come together to benefit one another.  This is a relationship that is based on mutual trust and admiration, it is formed as a partnership just like a a business.  Over time, feelings can develop from that base and develop into a healthy and loving relationship. Again, the secret is that Love, in all it forms is a journey or a path that we are on. It is a fragile thing that must be tended and cared for.  It cannot be mishandled or mistreated in anyway or it will simply wilt and die.  With all that being said you may even begin to wonder if love is truly a blessing or a curse.  But I think that really is just a perception, because just as love and lust are flip sides of a coin, so are blessing and curse.  It just depends on how you care to look at.  Love being such a fragile thing can easily turn to hate.  Unfortunate, but true, in the wrong hands love can be a weapon of disastrous proportions or it can be a balm to heal and cure all things.  View point and usage are the two things that can turn it from a blessing to a curse in a heartbeat and vice-versa. 

It is my humble opinion that you need to be wise with your heart, be frugal with your love.  I keep telling you that it is a precious commodity, and once given is very hard to get back, be cognizant of who you give it to and be wary of their intentions. If you are like me and attracted to younger men you need to be aware of the transitory nature of the beast. All men are the same, we have eyes and we often see things that attract us.  The difference is as we get older we have a broader experience base to draw from, and maturity and patience that exceeds that of your younger counterpart.  It is from this experience base that we draw from that keeps us from throwing our partner away on chance encounters.  But, because they don't have the same, you must expect that there might be indiscretions on their part that you may have to weather, if you choose to continue down the road of relationship.  Keeping this in mind I recommend that you should only invest as much love into another person as they return to you.  If the love you give out isn't immediately returned in full measure cut your losses and get out.  You seriously need to get as much as you give!

So my dear friend after careful consideration and exploring the facts, I think it is inevitable as young gay men explore their sexuality and burgeoning libido no matter how desperately they claim to want to settle down and be in a relationship, it is very hard to maintain.  If you are young and gay, I sincerely urge you to explore whatever you can, be safe as you do it and love wisely, be honest with those you enter into relations with, because if you aren't completely 100 percent honest with them you are going to end up hurting yourself and the person you care about. If you are older and more mature and like younger guys, be aware of the transitory nature. Expect to be a player in the cosmic shuffleboard of relationship.  If you are patient enough and understanding enough, and can endure the cheating, you may wake up one day and find that your perseverance has been paid off.

Be wary of how you spend your love and who you give it too! Don't get too wrapped up in the idea of love and miss the genuine thing.  Know who you are getting involved with and protect your heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Risks must be mitigated in order for you to profit in love or life

Surely you know that in order to succeed at life you have to take some risks.  The important thing to remember is that whenever you invest your money, time, or love, you need be extremely careful.  Just like a business who is about to invest money they run a risk analysis.  This means that take a careful look at the risks to the business plan to see what their potential losses might be.  They balance the risks against the projected return on investment to see if the return justifies taking the risk.  In our personal lives we must do the same thing on a much smaller scale.  Before you invest your money or heart in anyone you need to be sure of the motives fit in line with your personal goals.  Look closely at what your potential return on investment might be.  If you believe the risks are acceptable then by all means move forward.

What I am trying to say is this.  If you honestly care about someone and you feel that their feelings for you are genuine then look at the risks involved with that relationship.  You may find them acceptable at the time.  But it is also important to reevaluate your relationship as time moves on because the risks, consequences and circumstances might have changed.  In my own personal life I can tell you that when I met Joe I was living in Orlando with my brother and a good friend Stewart.  Joe and I hit it off right away, and we spent the first two weeks of our relationship together almost inseparable. After that we kept talking and before I knew it my lease term was ending at my apartment and I had a choice to transfer my apartment lease to Atlanta so that Joe and I could be with each other.  Which at the time the risk was minimal, though I was investing my heart into someone that I had just met recently.  Now, I will never tell you that I made a mistake when I did this, but I didn't take into account that I would be leaving my job behind and I would have to find work in a new city.  Luckily, it didn't take me long at all to find work because I was with a temporary agency.  My move turned out to be a good thing for me, before I knew it Joe and I were buying a house together and our lives were off and running.  The relationship lasted for 12 years, however around year 7 things started getting out of control, we were fighting all the time and drugs had entered the picture and the actual dynamic of the relationship began to turn. He wanted to explore his sexuality and experiment doing different things. I had already been down this road during my first relationship and was extremely hesitant.  This became a bone of major contentment and at that point in my life I should have reevaluated and did another risk assessment and return on investment. If I would have done that I would have saved Joe and I, five more years of turmoil and fighting, which became both mental and physical.

As people our goals and moods can change over time, if you are in a relationship you need to make sure that the goals that you have as a couple mesh well.  Individual goals need to intertwine with the couple goals, if they don't you are going to drift apart and the relationship will self destruct.  Now, I can tell you how devastating that can be after investing so much time with someone and how hard it is to pull yourself back together.  When something like this happens in your life because you didn't mitigate the risks, which basically means you need to seriously look at them, identify them and do something about them.  By mitigating the risks you can save yourself endless hours of pain and misery.  Investing your heart into someone is a scary and exciting thing, but if not handled right you could open yourself up to hurt, disappointment and disillusionment.

Now, let me tell you a little about what is going on in my present relationship, and the risks that are involved with it.  As of tonight there have become some really hairy snags that are going to need to be addressed and fixed before one of us gets hurt.  Now, normally I am not a jealous person and I have been in sexual situations with my partner and other people in a group situation before.  As a matter of fact we went from a love triangle where I was in love with him and his partner, now keep in mind that I had encounters with his partner before they ever met, which sort of made the transition easy and bearable.  I got along with both, but that ended more than a year ago now.  Since then we have been trying to establish ourselves as a couple.  There are some things that are going on right now that are risky, things that I am not necessarily 100 percent comfortable with, and before I can proceed any further, I need to address these issues or take the risk of getting extremely hurt in the process.  Now, trust me I understand the motivations behind this and I understand the financial implications, but all afternoon I have been trying to establish that we need to be more private, that we need to keep others from being in our life and relationship, and now the door is opened for him to make some money using his body, and connections make things happen at the time frame of his choosing.  I applaud his herculean efforts, and I understand the sentiments.  But it gives me pause does he really understand what I mean when I say I don't want to get back into that life, that I want to stay as far away from it as possible and that I want to focus on my career and his?  I don't honestly believe so.

Keeping in mind that I promised I wouldn't get mad when he told me and I haven't, I am trying to work within the framework with the options he has given me, but I want to exclude myself from participating in the actual event.  Honestly, I would be perfectly happy with him doing his thing and then coming to see me, let him have his last fling and get it out of his system, if that is even possible. Because I walked away from that life, and I know that once I open that door back to that world I will be tempted beyond my ability to fight to keep from plunging back into that world.  Not saying there is anything wrong with that. Most of you that read my blog know exactly what I am talking about. You were there with me, and some of your are still there.  But for me with my health issues and new found liberty, I do not necessarily want to screw up where I am heading.  Please understand that I am not judging any of you.  The addictions and demons I fight are private and well documented in my blog.  My heart is at risk, what if I loose him to that world again, what if this time I am not strong enough to pull him back as I have done in the past.  I lost one person in my life to Meth and drugs/sex parties, I don't think I could do it again.  Here I am 4 1/2 years later, wondering am I doing the right thing again?

Time will of course answer that question for me.  I know that my own personal conviction is not strong enough nor do I think I could stand to see him in the situation that he described to me on the phone.  Yes, I love him with all my heart, but I am starting a new job. I have things going for me in my life that are important and I am passionate about. I don't want to jeopardize all that.  So after hearing the risks and assessing them as I have here, I have come to the mitigating part. I have told him to do his thing and that I will come and get him when all is done, bring him down and we can do our thing.  See a part of me doesn't want to see all the other people touching and messing with him. I have been there and done that. It is my turn to have him all to myself, so if this is the way feels it needs to be, then I am fine letting him do it and then pick it up afterwards.

Yes a part of me wants to be there, but will it be good for us? I don't think so, could it become a distraction? Could it be the beginning of a pattern that is bound to be repeated time and again? I sure the hell hope not, and yes it is definitely going to be a distraction.  Once the genie is out of the bottle I don't believe there will be a way to put her back inside again, and I am finally going to loose him once and for all. Because I cannot be what he wants in the end.  FEAR!

Life is full of risks, it is how we approach them, view them, and simply try to mitigate them that will help protect our investment in to each situation.  If the risk is greater than the potential return, then my advice to you is to leave it alone and move on. However, if you find the risk is at an acceptable tolerance, take the risk, get your return, but keep in mind constant observation and reevaluation is key to any successful venture.

I hope this make sense to you and that you can understand in a real sense that you need to be frugal with how you invest your time, money and love, they are not cheap commodities and are hard to replace once they have been poorly invested.  Stop and evaluate the situation, make the assessment I talked about and be totally honest with yourself. If you can accept the risks move forward, if not, then beware of them and move on.  As I am so fond of telling you life is short.  I told my Facebook family tonight just a little while ago, love can endure a lot of things like distance, trauma, drama, but it cannot endure betrayal and doubt.  Make sure you know yourself and your partner before you go down the road that I am sitting on tonight.  Because on one side is happiness and the other is a great big abyss, where will I eventually end up? Only God knows now.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away

One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment.  If I were you I would truly savor the here and now.  That precious irreplaceable right then, this second.  That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night  with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again."  How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by?  How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them?  I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment.  It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me.  Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old.  These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.

I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart.  To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me.  Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in.  Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years.  Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other.  The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see.  I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by.  How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now!  We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone.  You can't change what you have done or where you have been.  But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life.  Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.

Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance.  It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way.  But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it.  Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late.  Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious.  Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."

Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel.  Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something.  Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life.  I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared.  Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together."  That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out.  Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone.  Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do?  Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?

"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us."  Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment.  This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history.  Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with  are fleeting, and if you aren't focused  and paying attention they will pass you by.

Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here.  For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment.  Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it.  Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done!  Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death.  Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me.  How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again.  Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me.  Just because I wanted him.  Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me.  He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me.  Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love.  Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.

Life is too short to face it all alone my friends.  Take a chance open your heart to love.  Promise me you will give it another try.  You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down.  Just get back up when it knocks you down."

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do you know who you are?

This morning when I woke you were the first one on my mind.
You were the last person I spoke to before I went to bed last night.
The one who has taken my heart with your words so kind.
And bathed my soul by your light.

I love your smile and eyes so full of delight,
your words of encouragement and praise,
Your passion, strength and might
which in turn causes my spirit to raise.

I have rested all my hopes and dreams upon your shoulders wide.
Knowing you have my best interests at heart.
As we walk hand in hand, side by side,
I know now that nothing can tear us apart.

Your touch Your Kiss
Is what I miss
Oh what joy what bliss
With just a touch my fears and worries you dismiss.

Do you know who you are?
You're my light and shining star.
You're everything I am not but long to be by far.
I wonder can you see who you really are?

You're my Love
Sent from Heaven Above
With grace joy and abundance of love,
that fits perfectly like a glove.

I love you!

B