What Have I Done? Captain-Save-a-Ho is Gone

A couple of weeks ago I talked to you about when is it going to be my turn. When am I going to find someone that puts me first, puts my needs and wants before their own, and when am I going to have someone that I can depend on?  For the answer to that my friends it has become evident that I am going to have to change something about myself. Do something about who and what others think and perceive me to be.  As sad as this might sound, I think I am the one that has caused others to see me as a person they can rely on, they can depend on me, and I am always going to be there to bail them out of every situation that they get themselves into.  I must have really done a number on myself and these individuals over time to have them, honestly think that I can always at the drop of a hat, reach out my hand and lift them back out of the situations they have gotten themselves into.

What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time.  The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore.  I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could.  A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in.  But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.

Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could.  I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over!  Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career.  I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out.  Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street.  How many of you are there when I need a helping hand?  How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay?  Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.

My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part".  This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now.  Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up.  You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want.  You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen.  Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.

See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you.  You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need.  It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other.  I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people.  I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on.  I guess that also means I have outgrown you.  See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means.  But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more.  I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger.  They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is.  The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there.  You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there.  Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.

I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me.  I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you.  In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity.  Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too.  Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.

I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return.  If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about.  If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation.  You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.

Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages.  You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.

Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me.  Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me.  I am so much more than you can see.  I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for.  We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away.  You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid.  You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's.  I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have.  If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.

I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be?  Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out.  I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here.  I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.

Take care T, I am gone.  Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html

Personal update

It is once again that time for me to give you all an update on my health and status.  I met with the doctors at the VA on Friday to talk about the upcoming surgery and the things that are going to be necessary to get it done.  Found out that I am going to probably have to go to the Tampa VA hospital in order for the surgery to take place because of how complicated my case is.  Because I have to be referred all over the VA system in order for this to happen, it is going to take a little while for all the appointments to come together.  Not to mention that the VA isn't noted for how fast it moves in such cases.  Once this surgery is done and they address the fact that my stoma has started to detach from the abdomen wall then it is on to a 48 week round of chemotherapy.  Now they have to wait till after the surgery because the chemo will affect my clotting ability and my white cell counts, my body will be in a repressed immune state and any invasive procedure after it starts would open me up to infection.

My viral load and T-cells are back to undetectable and normal range for a healthy person, so I am happy that we have that under control. We are finally working on getting the kidney functions back to where they need to be. I have been bouncing back and forth between stage 2 chronic renal disease and stage 3, but the new treatment plan should have that eradicated by the end of next month.  Liver functions are holding their own and the Hep C is not doing any damage thus far.  Overall besides the issues I am having with my colon and abdomen I am doing remarkably well.  I am feeling a lot better.

As most of you are aware I have been in my new place for a little over 2 weeks and things keep falling in line that are helping me with the situation that I am in and I am grateful that I am being so blessed and favored with such goodness.  I have even joined a church home and doing some meaningful work with them and also volunteering some of my time and energy to that cause.  I am still without furniture but have a few things to follow up on that might prove fruitful and help me in that area.

I finally heard from Kerry and Tony both and they are doing well.  Kerry is going to have surgery on Tuesday and I would ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Tony is struggling right now and dealing with a lot of mental and emotional stress and is still out there suffering on the streets. I am hoping that I might be able to help him with that situation soon.  I talked to him for the first time since I came back from Atlanta back in September.  I am so glad to hear form him, I have been really worried I had heard that he was in the hospital and some other things.  Maybe I can finally get him down here and off the street for a little while.

Please read my blog entries on Suicide they are very important to me and I will be rounding out the series with what warning signs to look for and what protective factors we can use to help those that are in crisis.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Who can you depend upon?

I got to thinking this morning about how many people I can really count upon and the result was surprisingly smaller than I had thought.  For years I have been the one that people turn too when they need help or a hand to get them out of a situation.  However when I look back at how many people have actually been around to help me when I needed a helping hand, it was less than a handful.  Now to me this is remarkable because I would have thought that there would have been a lot more people. Especially when you consider the amount of people I have helped in my past, and how many people still come to me when they need money or things to help them get by. Just the other day I got a call from a friend that still lives in Atlanta who asked me if I would be able to give him $50.00 for a boost card to get his cell turned back on.  Another, friend asked me over the past summer needed to have a cell phone, so I sent him my old Samsung Admire phone and put it on my Metro account so that he could have service.  You know he only had the phone for a week before he lost it. Then he expected me to buy him a new one, but I honestly didn't have the money for that.  What I did do however was when he got a new phone I did allow him to put it on my bill.  Then on July 20, 2012 he disappeared, never heard from him again.   Even my parents have let me down, when I left Atlanta they told me I could come stay with them till I was on my feet again.  Well, here we are 8 months later and because my step-brother is coming down, I had to move out. I wasn't prepared didn't have the money put up for the move and just by chance found someone that was willing to take a chance on me and let me use their place.

It always surprises me when someone agrees to something that you need then backs out at the last minute.  Like it wasn't a big deal in the first place.  Just this past week I had asked my dad if he would drive me down to Ft. Lauderdale to get a king size bed and box spring with rails from a friend of mine.  He said he would as long as I paid for the gas.  Now, my friend has pillows, comforters and sheets for the bed as well as pots and pans that he wanted to give to me.  I knew that for the most part I could fit the bed and stuff in the truck along with all the other stuff.  But he also has a dresser and mirror and a sofa that he needs to get rid of too, he told me I could have all of the stuff, considering that I was living in a place that has no furniture.  I thought this was a great opportunity. It shouldn't cost me more than $50.00 to and from there to get the first load of stuff. Of course I would have to make a second trip down to get the rest of the stuff that he wants to give me like the dresser mirror and sofa.  I thought it was a great opportunity. My father looked at the pictures I sent him of the stuff and told me that he thought I should look on craigslist for something I could buy locally, and save myself some money. Unfortunately, he doesn't stop to realize that I will still need to pay for the stuff and my friend was giving it too me for free.  Either way I would still have to put gas in my father's truck to get the stuff whether it was bought on craigslist or if I drove to Ft. Lauderdale to get it.  So where am I saving money. I honestly think in the long run driving down there would be the best thing and get the bed. At least I wouldn't be sleeping on the floor anymore.

Why do people do that? Why do they say what they think you want to hear? Then back out at the last possible minute?  Is it because they think that by telling you at the onset that they will do something will make you worry less?  I am not sure what the real answer to this is, but I would rather someone be upfront with me and tell me that they don't want to do something then to tell me sure I will do it and then back out.  Wouldn't you?  Life is too short folks to lie to others, there is no good reason whatsoever that I can see to hold back the truth from anyone. Sure it might hurt them initially but they will get over it and see that you were only trying to look out for them.  I am a firm believer in trying to help out others, and do the right thing, so why not be straight with me from the get go?  Life is hard enough without having false hopes.

False hopes is what telling someone you are going to do something for them and then backing out at the last minute creates.  It honestly isn't fair to the other person that has been counting on you.  How many times have you been the anchor or shoulder that others have leaned upon?  If you are like me a lot! But here is the thing when push comes to shove it is only you who is going to do for you.  Really there is no one that you can totally always rely upon.  It is sad but true, when I was down and out on the streets of Atlanta there was no one that I could even call because even my so called best friends wouldn't take my calls because they felt bad because there was nothing they could do to help my situation.  But, the truth of the matter was, I wasn't looking for them to help me out of my situation, I just wanted an ear or shoulder to cry on. To brainstorm with to come up with workable solutions to my dilemma. See, I realized that I got myself into the situation that I was in and it was my job and duty to see myself clear of it. I wasn't looking for handouts, and I wasn't looking for someone to get me out of my own mess.  It would have been nice to just have someone there I could pour out my heart too, to listen to me. That alone would have been enough.  But, even that wasn't too be found.

I have a very close circle of really good friends and they are the ones I know that I can count on.  Probably out of the circle there are only 3 that I would ever ask to borrow money from, but the rest have been there for me to hear my cries, pleas and just listen.  That are what friends are supposed to do for one another to listen. They aren't there to bail you out, if they can and offer that is great and wonderful, but it really isn't their responsibility to clean up your mess for you.  Only you can do that for yourself.  But there has to be a balance somewhere, there has to be some give and take in a friendship as well as a relationship.  You can't be expected to do it all alone.  Unless that is the way you have it all planned out.  See, when I got sick with cancer I had a group of friends that I hung with and all of them went through it with me. They were there all the way through, came and seen me in the hospital, held my hand when I was sick and all of that. Those are the people that I count as my support network. They are the few that I know if I call them today they will listen without judging me, as to what my problem and situation is. They will listen, offer words of advice, encouragement, but it is up too me to use that advice and profit from it.  On a few occasions I have had to borrow money from some friends, and they were there for me. But times are different now, the economy is harder, and people don't have the extra like they used to.  My friend Daniel for instance, I called him while I was on the street in Atlanta, just to talk to him, to listen and have him listen to me and my situation. Which he did.  He said to me that he wished he could help, but he was financially strapped himself.  Let me tell you this, I wasn't asking him for help.  I had just needed to hear a friendly voice and have someone listen to me.  But he felt bad because he wasn't in a place to help me.  That is okay, because I didn't need it.  I just needed him and his support. Which I got.

As far as all these others, I am tired and I have been there for everyone for so long. I have helped so many people in my life, that it is now my turn.  I want to find someone that I can care about and depend on. Someone that puts my needs and desires first. Someone that I can call on to help me out when I am stressed or trapped.  I can't help anyone else like I used to, and I honestly don't want to anymore.  I was the one that all those people in Atlanta and some few here in Florida came too each month to help them out of a bind they were in financially or emotionally and I gave of myself, but NO MORE.  I have to once start thinking about myself and putting myself and my health needs above that of others.  It is the only way that I am going to survive right now. Everyone else is going t have to learn to fend for themselves.  You know who you are. The ones that hit me up every month wondering if there isn't some little help I can give you.  The answer is I am in a place and situation where I cannot even help myself, so no boo as much as I love and care about you, I can't help you right now.

But, it is sad that out of all the people I have helped to support, given a place to stay and food to eat can't even help me out. Can't pick up the phone and call me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I am not sure I even have one friend that I can count on at this moment who would be able to honestly say, I got your back. Because I don't think anyone actually does.  Even my parents I can't count on them for help, I was helping them, I was buying groceries each month and then I was also paying the electric or cable bill to help them get caught back up.  But when I need help or want them to do something for me, they either say yes they will and back out at the last minute or they just don't answer.  That isn't right. But honey it is a fact of life, that no one has your own best interest at heart but you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B