Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer

For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway.  But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel.  This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me.  Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had.  It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States.  Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends.  That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.

6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with.  She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house.  It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again.  But as I  was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them.  There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom.  We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures.  A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again.  That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.

But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me.  I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from.  I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays?  I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.

This year I have something forward to look forward to.  This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays.  It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again.  As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them.  2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season.  This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.

Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together.  We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends.  I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again.  My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart.  He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together.  We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken.  Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.

I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids.  That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together.  It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now.  But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together.  No one knows!  I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am.  I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.

But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires.  Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special.  It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving.  It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on.  LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit.  What word would you give it???

Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity.  It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return.  It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.

I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you?  What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer?  What are you expecting this holiday season?  Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss?  What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Nothing prepares us for the future

My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday.  A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach.  Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time.  That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines.  I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future.  It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time.   Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it.  I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.

2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature.  It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves.  I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by.  When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them.  I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger.  Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.

I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought.  I never thought that I would face such loss.  Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here.  Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good.  My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June.  All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.

We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that.  It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger.  It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own.  My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver.  I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own.  But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.

Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me.  I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network.  I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me.  I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life.  With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone.  I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses.  I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.

None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents.  I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise.  I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta.  I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age.  I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction.  I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world.  I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way.  Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.

I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long.  I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me.  I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain.  I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.

Till we meet again in the morning!  Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off.  Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future.  From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by.  No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered.  I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it.  But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals.  I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning.  I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.

I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset.  I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it.  Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope.  I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was.  I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip.  Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile.  But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again.  As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender.  I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.

For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it.  I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need.  In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own.  In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help.  By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them.  This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today.  I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about.  This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have.  I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.

Food for thought:  We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return.  Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand.  Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds.  Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever.  Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives.  No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me.  Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become.  I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.

I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important.  I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today.  Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today.  So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me.  Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.

Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you.  I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.

I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close.  My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person.  I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now.  In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home.  Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals.  It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place.  A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness.  This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together.  Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.

Please let's try and make my dream a reality.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Finally Alone but not at Peace.

I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog.  One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see.  That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing.  But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned.  In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet.  Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it.  Guess what he was absolutely right.

Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way.  It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage.  Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through.  I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing.  My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out.  I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something.  I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items.  Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives.  Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle.  Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it.  Not right or fair.

Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here.  I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along.  But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world.  I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way.  Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior.  In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through. 

2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn.  This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of.  I ended up losing everything that I had left.  The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch.  The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health.  My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida.  Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all.  Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way.  But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place.  I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.

But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs.  For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow.  I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want.  I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me.  How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.

I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool.  I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow.  Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me.  I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy.  Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me.  I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health.  In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore.  I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance.  But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all.  My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.

For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life.  But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone.  For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was.  I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him.  I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give.  I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.

So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that.  I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me.  Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all.  The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet.  I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened.  We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away.  Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people.  But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.

But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts.  I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself.  I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either.  I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets.  Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets.  I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life.  There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity.  I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.

I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us.  Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result".  I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.

I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there.  I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through,  if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it.  I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive.  I hope you will too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can and You will succeed

Let me tell you a little story about my mom.  Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home.  She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home.  The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing.  That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair.  But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite.  Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.

Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife,  but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare.  My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you.  It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine.  I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.

Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column.  Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system.  After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut.  She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever.  I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center.  Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane.  My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.

 Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you.  But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us.  if there is a Will there is a Way!

If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it.  The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything.  Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright.  I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes.  My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see".  You know she was right!

Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see.  I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better.  As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook.  But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.

I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction.  This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me.  I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes.  As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it.  Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.

This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check.  But, as I have always told you.  You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you.  By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed.  I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying.  Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me.  From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.

You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass.  Trust me it will.  Nothing last forever!

The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.

If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that.  that is all I want for each and everyone of you.  To set your mind to a task and own it.  Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.

I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did.  It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.

Take each day one at a time.  Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

What Have I Done? Captain-Save-a-Ho is Gone

A couple of weeks ago I talked to you about when is it going to be my turn. When am I going to find someone that puts me first, puts my needs and wants before their own, and when am I going to have someone that I can depend on?  For the answer to that my friends it has become evident that I am going to have to change something about myself. Do something about who and what others think and perceive me to be.  As sad as this might sound, I think I am the one that has caused others to see me as a person they can rely on, they can depend on me, and I am always going to be there to bail them out of every situation that they get themselves into.  I must have really done a number on myself and these individuals over time to have them, honestly think that I can always at the drop of a hat, reach out my hand and lift them back out of the situations they have gotten themselves into.

What prompted me in the first place to explore this situation is, it seems like every single person that I consider a friend has always come to me and asked me to bail them out, help them with this bill, or that bill, can I buy them a ticket to come see me, etc. Can I buy them a cell phone, or pay their cell phone bill, help them with cigarette money, or pocket cash. Whatever the case maybe there are numerous people that I know that hit me up for money all the time.  The problem with that is I don't have the funds or the resources to help these individuals anymore.  I am out on my own for the first time in 25 years, and I am alone, I am not with someone that is covering half of the bills. This is Bryan and Bryan alone in this world trying to make ends meet just like everyone else today, in an economy that is pretty heavily messed up. There are hundreds of unemployed people in the world, money is tight all over, and there are more and more people on the streets. I wish that there was something I could.  A magic wand I could wave and rescue these people from themselves and the financial crisis they find themselves in.  But the honest truth is, my hands are tied. I don't have the liquid cash like I used to have, I don't have a partner with me who makes as much money as I do footing half of the bills like I had for the last quarter of a century. It is just me folks. I wish I still had the job making a 100k or more a year and had excess that I could help you every time you need me. But the truth is, I make less that 25k now a year and I am struggling to make ends meet myself.

Some of you who have known me for years know that I have always been there to help everyone I could.  I came running anytime I had a friend in need. Guess what those days are over!  Captain Save-a-Ho is gone. He is dead and buried along with my old life and old career.  I am not rich anymore, I am just like everyone else today. What is even more sad is that I thought some of you cared about me, that we were friends and that we had each other's backs, but the truth of the matter is the only time you think about me or call me or want to be around me is when you think I am going to be able to help you out.  Well, sorry to disappoint but helping out is a two-way street.  How many of you are there when I need a helping hand?  How many of you are there when my car is in the shop? How many of you were there when I was living on the streets and needed a place to stay?  Not many I will tell you that. Those of you that were are expecting something back in return and now that there isn't any drugs or money to be had you don't want nothing to do with me. Then there are others that think because we helped each other out of situations in the past that you are owed something, and maybe you are right, but guess what the time isn't right and neither are the funds.

My mother used to have a poster up at her desk at work that used to say "Lack of planning on your part, doesn't constitute an emergency on my part".  This is the honest to God truth, you have been making without me, been doing alright for yourself too I guess, because I haven't heard from you till now.  Then all of a sudden you hit me up telling me that you think I need to send you some money because you need help paying for your room and stuff, yet you are playing on the computer, doing other things with your life, like getting high and wasting all of your money on extras, now you expect me to come and pick you up.  You haven't even asked what is going on in my life, you just turn to me and want.  You are offering nothing back in return. You say you miss me and that you care about me, but the only time I hear from you is when you need or want something and you want me to provide it for you and make it happen.  Like I don't have expenses and bills of my own, that I am struggling, that I may not have food enough to eat, or I am not sitting around wondering how I am going to pay the electric bill to keep my power on, or get my car out of the shop.

See the problem is you are still in that world of drugs and alcohol, you are only thinking about yourself and your next move, and your own habits and needs. You don't ever think about the other person that you are talking too. You say you care, but what you are actually saying is you care about yourself and what you think I can do for you.  You miss me being around so that you have someone to help you and you can rely on. It isn't me the person who you really care about, because honestly it could be anyone that has the resources you need.  It isn't about me at all it is always about you. That is not what I need or want in my life. It should be about us, and what we can do for each other.  I was in your world once, there for a long time and I understand about running game and playing people.  I see where you head is at, and I am sorry but I am not there anymore, I have outgrown that life and I have moved on.  I guess that also means I have outgrown you.  See I was the fool because I lied to myself and believed that you cared about me. I fooled myself thinking that I was important to you, and in a small way I was. I was someone who you could use to get what you wanted or needed at the moment, I had the connections, the transportation, and I had the means.  But guess what I don't want to be in that world any more.  I have become so much more than I was. I have learned things about myself that have made me stronger.  They have given me the strength I need to see this for what it truly is.  The light that I have received has opened my eyes to you and your situation. I understand now that you are where you at because you choose to be there.  You don't have to stay there, but you want to be there.  Because of this I can't help you anymore. I now see that you have no interest in me, you have an interest in what you think I might be able to do for you.

I have set myself up for failure with you, I told you everything you needed to know to victimize me. I thought I was helping you, that you needed me and here what I did was give myself a false sense of intimacy, a feeling that I was needed by you. Which in turn enabled you to use me.  I made myself into a hero swooping in the last minute to always rescue you, and fooled myself into thinking I was needed by you and wanted by you.  In the end you took me for granted and you used me for whatever you could. I stayed in that situation till it hurt or you bled me dry. But see my eyes are open, I am sober and you are not, you feign that I have slighted you and cheated you, and my sense of morality makes me feel guilty when I tell you I can't help you. You get angry and swear at me and treat me like you treat others without respect or dignity.  Guess what my friend you truly aren't a friend of mine at all. I know I have allowed myself to be seen by you as something that I am not. More than I want to be, and I guess it is time for you to finally face reality, I am not the one who is going to reach out and rescue you once again. Our time is over my friend I have done for you all that I intend too.  Besides, I can't honestly help you when I can't even help myself at this point in my own life.

I am doing something that you would never consider, I am working on making myself a better person, changing my life because if I don't I am destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  So say farewell to Captain-Save-a-Ho he is gone and never to return.  If you want to be my friend you have to show me that you care about me. You have to be willing to work with me and not against me. You have to be able to show me that you have changed and that you want to be around me. You call me during the good times and the bad, that you aren't always asking me for handouts, and you are there for me when I need help. You offer assistance even before it is needed. Because believe me that is what friendship is all about.  If I only hear from you when you need something, trust me I am now always going to answer NO, I cannot help you. It is my turn to live, it is my turn to repair my own life, and I can't do that if I am helping you fix your immediate problem or situation.  You are taking too much from me and giving nothing back in return. You are not a friend at all. The feelings you have professed to me are nothing more than a pipe dream.

Prove to me that you have changed. Show to me that I am the number one priority in your life, and then maybe we can talk. I have someone, and you did your best to try and break me apart from him, and guess what you failed. Your true colors keep coming back around. The mood swings and the angry messages.  You again, didn't even wait to see what was going on in my life, you just immediately assumed that I would have the resources to help you. You of course were high and probably don't even remember what you said. But I do, and I am sorry but again this is goodbye.

Take care my friend you will not be hearing from me again, but I am sure you will try and contact me.  Wishing and hoping I will still be there for you. Once you did have my heart, but you proved over and over again how all you ever want or need is money out of me.  I am so much more than you can see.  I wish you would take off that drug induced haze and see who I really am, because I am so much more than you give me credit for.  We could have helped one another, been something to each other, but you threw it away.  You almost had me convinced that I was in love with the wrong man. You tried to tell me things to make me like him less and you more. But what you failed to realize I was always there and I know both of you and what you do and did. I am smarter now, and I am not some stupid kid.  You are in your 20's and I am in my 40's.  I played those games with others when I was your age, they haven't actually changed much. But see I have.  If I were still doing the drugs you attempts might have worked, but see I know you T and I also know K, and I have been with K for a long time, I know him better than he knows himself and we have given up that stuff that you are smoking and doing.

I truly wish I could help you, but I am sorry what you said last night just throw me over the edge. You really think I don't know what K used to be?  Over five years I have known that man, was with him and W, and watched how that turned out.  I know he isn't going to do those things to me, been there, seen it, wrote the book, and I am still here.  I am the one that stuck with him through it all, and if you think that is weakness than you are a bigger fool than I thought. Tricks, lies and games are all you have, I should have known it from the start. But see I was tempted by that old life, I am so glad I walked away from.

Take care T, I am gone.  Captain-Save-A-Ho is no more!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Related entry : http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/10/who-can-you-depend-upon.html

Money and Happiness don't necessarily equate.

You know the happiest times in my life were the times I spent with my dad's mom, she didn't have two dimes to rub together her entire life, but there was love, warmth, acceptance and happiness to be found under her roof.  My dad's father died when he was just 8 years old, and he being the middle child of a large family, he felt the death probably more seriously than all of his other siblings. Because the 4 older ones were already on their own, and the 4 younger ones didn't understand what was happening.  But, my grandmother, did her best with what she had, and always smiled even when times had to be extremely tough for her.  Undoubtedly she was the glue that held our family together, she made sure that she spent time with all the grandchildren and great grandchildren while she was alive.  I remember that the family always spent time at her house. Her youngest son and his 3 children lived with her, as well as my cousin Eric, whose mother, committed suicide when he was just 18 months old.

I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often.  When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life.  My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.

I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia.  It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time.  It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side.  See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it.  Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.

Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side.  My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren.  Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love.  My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister.  My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them.  It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.

Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did.  There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life.  She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age.  My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out.  Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age.  He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money.  When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family.  My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.

Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money.  To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life.  See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field.  There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times.  Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them.  My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life.  She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry.  Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather.  My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver.  My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.

In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either.  My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart.  An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier.  Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather.  This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired.  My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.

But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy.  Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found.  As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word.  Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained.  I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.

My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch.  She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family.  One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it!  You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left.  That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.

When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me.  I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt.  How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it.  How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication.  No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.

Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship.  But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money.  It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world.  So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy.  I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy.  It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them.  To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them.  I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life.  I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved.  Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself.  It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy.  So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with.  Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.

I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me.  But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!

I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all.  But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself.  It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone.  What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole.  Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.

Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them.  Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up.  I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.

There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen.  You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction.  Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life.  First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix.  Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together.  Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things.  That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things.  Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine.  But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.

You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears?  You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken.  It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out.  You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.

Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin.  I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it.  I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt.  Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface.  But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing.  It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself.  Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back.  I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship.  I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.

It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships.  We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression.  I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations".  The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.

No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself.  I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job.  You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive.  But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.

I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time.  One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to."  You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things.  You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family.  Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success.  I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams.  Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby.  She had almost forgot her dream.  She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from.  She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up.   You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.

I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this.  You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there.  If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will.  You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? How about lost your focus on life?

If you are like me and have lost your sense of identity and self in a relationship you will know what I am talking about in this blog post.  Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in a relationship that you isolate yourself. You loose touch with your friends and you begin to slowly lose your sense of individuality.  When you go into a relationship you begin to start thinking in terms of we and us and not me and I.  Believe me this is normal, but where is the separation?  Where does the us stop and the I begin? That is even harder to figure out.  Because in a relationship it is about building and doing together. It is about compromise and growing together as a team.  But what happens when one of the team wants to be control everything and you have no separation, you have found yourself suddenly alone in a relationship, your friends are not there because you have not been keeping in touch with them, you and your partner have been focussed on building and doing and not cultivating separate friendships, all the friends you now have are mutual.  Where do you turn, who do you talk to.  How do you regain your sense of purpose?
There maybe internal pressures that have helped to mold and shape you. You have become so dependant on the one you are with and if they aren't uplifting you and pushing you to excel they might be holding you back.  Are they putting you down? Are they actually damaging your self-esteem? Your self-worth? Did you wake up one morning and wonder who you were, who is the person you are with? Have no idea where you are going in your life and you seem stuck? I did and I will tell you once you have lost your self it is very hard to find that person you once were. It is hard to focus on the choices you have in front of you and do you feel that you are not worth anything, you have lost direction and focus and honestly don't know which way to turn.
I have been there, I am with you.  What it took for me to get past my past and focus on my future was my best friend looking at me one day and telling me that he didn't know who I was anymore, what happened to the person that he knew and the person who when he set his mind to a task forged ahead and accomplished it no matter what the cost.  The person who walked to his own beat and didn't care what others had thought.  I had to sit back and reflect because he was right that person was gone, what was there was a scared and broken person who couldn't see his own self worth, a shell of the person he once was.  A person who once had direction and purpose in his life was now absent from the picture. 
It took me almost two full years and a long journey of self discovery and reflection to rebuild and find myself again.  If you haven't been to the place I am talking about then count yourself among the lucky.  Many of us find love and relationships but it isn't with the right one. We settle, we get comfortable and we stop living and begin to merely exist.  We take the criticism of our partners to heart and we let our pride and individuality mesh into a common mold of what society believes a relationship should be.  Here is the thing, no relationship is perfect, no partner is perfect, we are not perfect.  A relationship is a growing evolving partnership between two individuals, to build and work together for a common goal or good.  The key is a partnership between individuals.  We must maintain our individuality within our relationships, we must keep our individual friends, we need to make mutual friends and have a common path that is conducive to both parties involved, but we must maintain a slight distance.  A relationship becomes unstable and co-dependent when one of the parties begins to loose themselves in it.  They surrender all power to the other individual, and become mired in the we and us dilemma and never reach the goal they had originally started for, they have lost their way.  When, that happens it is also very easy to lose your sense of worth, your sense of importance, and you begin to feel worthless and useless and are mired in despair.  If you go on like that not only will you be miserable, you will do miserable things and you will begin to resent your partner, you will look for ways to get back at them, you will try and out do them.  It then becomes a constant game of who can out do the other.  This is defeatist, it is destructive, and it is harmful to all parties that are involved.  You become entrenched in a rut and you cannot figure out a way to get out of it. 
I cannot tell you what the right way is to end this but I can tell you how it ended for me.  It took total separation and then soul-searching and a lot of encouragement from peers and friends to look past and beyond where I had been.  It took inner peace and asking for forgiveness, admitting I was to blame, that I allowed myself to get caught in the trap.  I also prayed, meditated and studied a lot about myself, I sought out patterns and discovered that all our lives are filled with patterns and that if we do not break and cut from the pattern we are on we are prone to repeat it over and over again.  I learned that the person with the power in a relationship is the one that cares the least.  Whenever we care what another person thinks, or we let another person influence our decisions, we are giving that person the power over us.  We surrender our individuality to them and we become followers instead of leaders.  No one should have the power to make you feel bad about your decision, what you are wearing, or what you look like.  Show the world who you are let them see your colors.  Express yourself in the way you dress, the way you style your hair, the jewelry you wear, the words you speak and write.  You are what God created an individual.  You need to make partnerships and relationships that work and benefit you.  If you truly love yourself you can do it. You don't have to wrap yourself within a relationship to have a purpose.  You don't have to be the person who sacrifices everything for another.  This is supposed to be a partnership, partnerships are formed for protection, benefit of both parties and for reaching a common goal.  A partnership is made up of individuals, that come together with a common background, purpose, or goal and they work together to build something new and extraordinary or to benefit each other or the community at large.  Look at Doctors, dentists, surgeons and other professionals that form a type of partnership, they have come together to offer a service, reach a goal or in some way enhance one another by their association.
Is this a hard journey? Yes it is.  Is it worth the effort?  Yes it is! Can you do it? Yes you can.  But you need to take back the power you have given to others around you, you need to reflect and recognize your own value and your own self worth.  You are a force of nature, something to be reckoned with, realize you don't have to be held down, there is a way out and you don't have to be a shell of yourself.  If your partner or mate cannot see this and recognize it. Then it is time to pack your bags and leave, you must do for yourself and you must love yourself.  Don't let your heart become filled with anger and hate.  Don't let bitterness take over your life, make a change, do something, and if you don't know what to do, do anything, it will be better for everyone involved and those around you who care.
After all of this, time will heal the heart and the pain that you have felt. The bitterness and anger will slowly dim, but you have once again found yourself you are not existing anymore you have returned to the land of the living. Too many of us are dead merely just existing, coasting along life's highway never asserting ourselves into or upon the world we are content to just be in the world.  I tell you this from my heart, it is better to be in the world and part of it, influencing and making change than just sitting back and taking what it throws at us.  Please follow your own drum.  Be an individual, be a doer, an achiever, you have it all with in you. You are beautiful, courageous, strong, intelligent and above all else you are unique and cannot be replaced by anyone else. 
Keep the faith, know that there are others out there that are struggling and going through similar circumstances, you are not alone and will never be alone.  Trust in yourself and in your heart.  Know that you are blessed and can survive and make the changes you need.  Know that I am here for you, I have been where you are at and I have made it through and the processes that I went through have made me a stronger self reliant person and I know what I want and I am going to get it.  So can you. I know you can and I have faith in you.
As always I value your thoughts and would love your feedback. Drop me a line or leave me a comment I want to hear from you. 
All my hopes,
Uncle B
bryanzepp@gmail.com