Nothing prepares us for the future

My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday.  A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach.  Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time.  That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines.  I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future.  It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time.   Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it.  I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.

2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature.  It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves.  I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by.  When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them.  I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger.  Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.

I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought.  I never thought that I would face such loss.  Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here.  Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good.  My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June.  All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.

We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that.  It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger.  It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own.  My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver.  I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own.  But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.

Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me.  I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network.  I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me.  I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life.  With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone.  I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses.  I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.

None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents.  I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise.  I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta.  I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age.  I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction.  I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world.  I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way.  Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.

I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long.  I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me.  I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain.  I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.

Till we meet again in the morning!  Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off.  Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future.  From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by.  No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered.  I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it.  But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals.  I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning.  I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.

I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset.  I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it.  Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope.  I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was.  I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip.  Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile.  But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again.  As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender.  I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.

For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it.  I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need.  In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own.  In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help.  By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them.  This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today.  I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about.  This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have.  I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.

Food for thought:  We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return.  Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand.  Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds.  Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever.  Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives.  No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me.  Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become.  I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.

I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important.  I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today.  Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today.  So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me.  Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.

Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you.  I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.

I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close.  My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person.  I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now.  In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home.  Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals.  It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place.  A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness.  This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together.  Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.

Please let's try and make my dream a reality.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Letting go

You may think that taking steps to help myself might look like I may be running away from my problems.  But the truth of the matter is that I needed to look out for my health and well-being, because no one else is going too. Being tossed around on the streets is not a place for someone like me who has so many things wrong with me physically.  I just had a kidney removed back in March and lately i have been showing signs of esophagus cancer. This is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It also needs a stable environment in which to heal and get better. So when things really started going south in my life i chose to take my friend up on his offer to leave behind the world of drugs and uncertain stability. I chose to pick up what remained of my life and head north to a new life i had hoped that others would be happy for me. But to my surprise the people i love the most chose to let me go and stay behind.

No matter what i choose now i guess i am totally on my own. I had hoped that being away for several days would let the others know that i did the best thing for myself and that asking them to come with me is my attempt to make a new beginning for both of us. No matter what anyone else thinks i have not abandoned those i love and who trust me. I have never given up on them and never will. Life is too short for running away. I have chosen a new path and and with any luck a new destiny for myself and those that love me.

It has taken an act of letting go and walking away from my old life in order to create a new life, a new path. In order for me to move forward i needed to shed the old self and begin a whole new life. Moving from Daytona was the first step in the process. The next few days i am going to try and get myself in order. Meet with the VA and medicare to get myself into treatment and make sure that my health is once again taken care of. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Hopefully over the next few weeks my partner will realize that we need each other and will choose to come with me. This will help me greatly to achieve stability and peace of mind.  I can only hope that those of you who read and follow my blog will support my decision and help me convince him that i need him in my life and without him I will never really be safe and healthy.  He is not something that i would willingly or happily let go of. He is my whole world and the one who i depend on most. I have been gone 3 days and it feels so much longer. I don't think he really knows how much I depend on him or how much I care about him.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

The 2016 formula for personal success

2016 is already shaping up to be a time for change and transition.  The prospects of falling into the same rut that you ended up in during 2015 isn't something you are excited about or willing to accept.  Recently,  I spoke to you about taking the initiative and putting yourself out there. If you don't know what i am talking about. You need to go back and read "Nothing ventured Nothing gained". 

Here is something I do know if you really want something and are willing to put in the effort toward getting it, you can and will achieve it. It doesn't matter if you don't know how to achieve it, all you have to do is take a step in that direction. No one wakes up and says I want this and they get it right away. You have got to set the stage, gather the required skills to accomplish something.  Once you have the skills, you have to get on the appropriate path, then work towards your desired goal.  Let me try to explain it a little more clearly.  You have to do some research on whatever topic or goal that you want to strive for. You must at least struggle to get a complete picture of what it is you want, from there you must look for a path to carry from the point you are at to the point where you want yourself to be. Then set out working towards that, don't be scared you just have to take that first step.  The knowledge you seek you must somehow learn and the only way you can do that is by taking small steps toward that goal.

When I was in my 20's,  I knew that I wanted more for myself than working for minimum wage.  I saw an opportunity for a new beginning and I took the steps that put me out there. Computers were becoming household objects and everybody wanted one. This was something that really hasn't changed much at all. Computers are common place now, literally everywhere you go.  The first movement was everybody wanted one, then everyone had one, then they wanted them smaller,  easier to transport, so portability became a factor which changed the industry.  Next became what we wanted the computers to do for us. Desktops became laptops, laptops became ultra or power books. But still people wanted more functionality and portability.  Now we are at a point where everyone now carries around their own personal mini computer. It is either in the form of a phone or tablet. So, why am I telling you all of this?

Because I knew that I wanted to be involved in this.  I left Orlando with an internal understanding that I was going to achieve this, I was going to be a part of that industry. I didn't know how or when but I knew I had something to offer. I left Orlando and moved to Atlanta where I became a flight attendant, which allowed me the money to buy the books I needed to train myself everything I could learn about programming and computers.  It took me 4 years of investing and educating myself to the point where I felt competent enough to step out and apply for a job in my chosen career. But here I ran into another road block, a degree. At that time every company was looking for people that could do as well as have the degree. 

Finding myself in this situation, I understood that all the knowledge that I had would only get me so far. So, I went back to school and used what I taught myself to achieve a bachelors degree as well as my master's degree. These pieces of paper gave legitimacy to my knowledge and allowed me to move forward in my field.  I have made lasting contributions in my field I positioned myself as an expert in my field, I was able to utilize my business knowledge with my technical skills to create a bridge between the two and filled a gap that I saw. I became a liaison the two, translating the business needs to the development teams and built processes and programs to further overall agenda for many companies and government entities that will last long after I am gone.

To those around me I became a go getter. I saw what I wanted and I reached out and did it. I took the risk and achieved the goal I aimed for. It may seem like I knew what I was doing, but the truth of the matter was I just applied myself and made a fit, it wasn't always perfect, yet it worked. So here we are and I want you to be as successful as I was and it really comes down to a very simple formula. You too can be a go getter and a trailblazer.  All you have to do is:

1.) Be yourself  - become totally comfortable in your own skin.
2.) Create your own destiny - nothing is carved in stone. Do what you can and what you know.
3.) Use your gifts - I used the ability to learn and taught myself what I needed. I also applied my talents to every project.
And finally,
Open yourself to change. Expect that as you apply yourself your environment and surroundings are going to change be ready for when they do.

You are now well on your way towards achieving and sustaining your own personal success.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Free will vs fate

How can these two things co-exist and still allow us to function and fully achieve goals that we make in our lives.  How do these two diverse and diametrically unseen forces hold say over our path in our daily journey.  Life is constantly putting decisions in our path and this is where the forces come into play.

It is true that we have the freedom to make the choices and cause our journey to branch and keeps our journey interesting helps propel us toward our goals. However,  fate sometimes has to gives a nudge or push in the right direction.  No matter what choices you make fate makes sure that we end up in the proper place at precisely the right time.

You can make all right choices in your life and yet end up at precisely the same place  no matter what you may have decided.  For every decision that you make there are other unseen forces that come into play that  reinforce fates designs. They are known as physical laws or laws of nature.  The law of cause and effect and the law of retribution.

If you honestly think about it there is a truth and consequence for every decision that we make. These are the foundations to the lessons that we are to learn.  Remember that it is the journey that maketh the man.  Humans learn through experiencing pain and only pain. We might make discoveries or understand a problem which increase our knowledge, but pain is always associated with learning process somewhere along the line.

What makes this bearable for me is the knowledge and understanding that nothing lasts forever. Along with the certain knowledge that each obstacle, trap and pitfall has been placed in my path to make me stronger and able to face whatever fate or life has to throw at me.  Trust me when all of us look back over our path none of us are ever satisfied with where we find ourselves.  No one says that it is going to be fun or easy it is however it is necessary.

I know that you all have heard me say that we all have work to do and a purpose that we need to fulfill before our time on this world ends. This is where fate takes a hand in our lives and guides us ever onwards toward our journeys end. Destiny and fate are often confused as being the same thing but they aren't destiny is only one of many possible outcomes based directly on the decision we make. Whereas fate is the force that pushes her forward and helps us deal with the of  consequences our decisions.

I believe that destinies can be altered and even change by te works and decisions we make. Fate is a constant guiding force that helps us to not dwell for too long on our issues and takes us to the exact place we need to be at just the appropriate time.   We live in the physical world and therefore are subject to the natural laws.  I am going to talk further about the laws and worlds that impact us and how we can use them to go further and learn more about what surrounds us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

God is talking and I am listening

I know that I have talked about this before, but God has laid it upon my heart to reach out to you again and remind some of you that you are trying to hard to get ahead in life.  You are striving to get that raise, move to the next level in you work life.  But your home life is suffering and taking a backseat, and that isn't fair to those around you that love and cherish you.  It is time for you to slow down, it is okay to be ambitious.  But it is not okay to be ruthless and try to discredit or hurt the ones that are competing against you.  You are supposed to bring all things to Jesus and lay them at His feet and that includes challenges at work and yes even that promotion you are shooting for.

Too many of us get wrapped up in ourselves and cannot separate work life from home life.  For some reason you cannot compartmentalize and separate the too and guess what your home life becomes just as stressful as your work life.  Trust me the ones around you can see it and feel it when you are near.  That stress and tension that you have at work needs to stay at work.  Now I am not saying that you cannot tell your spouse about your day whether it was good or bad, but the tension and stress needs to be left outside at your front door.

It has been weighing on my heart that many of us are looking back over our lives and we are not anywhere near where we thought we would be.  Some of you are, but a majority of us aren't.  Whether you have had a setback due to health, injury, lay offs, downsizing etc. you aren't where you thought you would be.  I know that when I look back at my life I would never have thought that at the age of 46 that I would be starting my life all over again, that I would be single and that I would be renting an apartment and struggling to make ends meet.  How could I have planned this?  How did this actually happen to me, and what am I doing about it to get myself and my mind right about all of the things that have happened to me over the past 10 years?

The honest truth is in April of 2012, I made a conscious decision to leave Atlanta Georgia and return to Florida.  I had been heavily in the drug scene in Atlanta and was actually homeless and was roaming the streets.  It was bitter cold because it was during the winter.  The day that I boarded the bus in Atlanta was 3 March 2012, and I had only the clothes on my back a sweat shirt and sweat pants and a pair of tennis shoes.  Yet, there was a reason for my decision to leave.  I had found out in December that I had kidney stones real bad and they were extremely painful.  On Dec. 23, 2011 I had to have surgery to have the stones removed and after the surgery the Urologist came into the room and told me that my kidneys were failing that one was working at 15% and the other at 50%.  the other thing that he told me was that my condition was irreversible and that I needed to go home because if I didn't I would end up another statistic on the street that had died.  So I boarded a bus and literally came home to die.

Before I go on here I need to explain about the drug usage that occurs in my life.  See, I have emotional issues about my body, my scars, my having to have a colostomy bag and other issues.  Therefore getting high was the only way that I could feel comfortable around other people to take off my clothes and have sex.  Now this might sound strange to you, but it is the honest and unvarnished truth.  See my drug of choice is Crystal Meth, unfortunately as I have found out over the past 3 years is that using that stuff takes a very heavy toll on my body and I end up every time I use in the hospital.  So, I had to ask myself was the couple of hours that I was high worth the price my body was taking and was it worth all the time I ended up spending in the hospital.  The answer is No.  Even recently in Feb. I thought I was healthy enough to try it, and granted I had been off of it close to a full year, but my body wasn't with it. I ended up in ICU for 7 days with acute renal failure.  My kidneys were damaged so much this last time that they thought I was going to have to have dialysis and my body probably wouldn't have been able to survive the shock that puts on your system.  Luckily a lot of you were praying for me, and I am thankful that once again the Hand of God intervened due to all the prayers and well wishes you sent my way because let me tell you something a miracle happened on the fourth day that I was in there.  My kidneys miraculously came back on line and started working better.  The creatinin level started to decline and the doctors knew that I was returning to a normal state.

You maybe wondering why I am going into all of this stuff.  Because I want you to realize something, choices that we make can bring us to a place where we don't want to be or never expected to be in a million years.  When I got out of the Navy in 1991 I had a tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide and had to go through chemo and radiation.  This slowed me down at the age of 24, but four years later I was bouncing back and had moved to Atlanta and had started a life.  Me and Joe had it all good jobs bringing in lots of money.  We had 2 houses, several cars, 2 dogs, a cat.  Basically we made it to where we wanted to be.  However in 2004 all of that was going to change.  My symptoms returned and I got sick again, and on Jan 25, 2005 they decided that they were going to operate on me and that was the biggest mistake of my life.  It led me down the current path I am on.  See it was after the surgeries and the damage that the doctors did to my body that I learned about Crystal Meth and how it could help me overcome my insecurities and have a semi normal relationship with other people.  However, it is also the very reason that I am single today and where I am at, if you want to know that absolute truth.

Yet, even I look back at my life and I see what I had and what I have lost and sometimes it makes me sad.  I threw away a lot of people that cared about me and embarked on a solo journey that was going to end with my destruction.  However, I have come off that path and have found a new direction to focus my energies on and that is you my friends.  I am here because someone out there needs to hear this right now.  One person's life is going to be altered by my writing this.  I know this to be true because God has spoken too me and I am finally listening.  See the drug was a crutch, I cannot be happy with anyone else till I am totally comfortable with who I am, and I mean all of me.  Not just the parts that I like but the bags, scares and everything else that goes with it.

My point is as I look back and see where I have been and where I am at now, neither place was where I exactly wanted to be.  Yet, if it hadn't been for that journey and going through everything that I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing too you and trying to help you.  See I would be out there doing the same stuff that all my friends are still doing and not going forward with my life, just stuck on Repeat, doing the same things day in and day out and using people and trying to work out how I am going to get high again tomorrow.  I am so glad that my dad and God decided that enough was enough and helped me get to Florida.

In the first 8 months that I was here, I had a job, a car, and an apartment.  I was making real progress and doing stuff for myself.  I had joined some groups and had made some really good friends.  I am hoping that this year is going to be a better year and I am going to be hanging out with those new friends now more than ever.

So what am I really trying to tell you in this very long and drawn out narrative. Is simply this.  When you look back at your life and you find that you aren't exactly where you thought you would be.  You need to look at what you have done, been and accomplished.  See it is the journey that counts and when all is said and done you are going to realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  God brought you to the perfect place so you could tell your story.  It is time now to become happy and content with where you are at any stage of your life.  See, once you realize that you are where God wants you too be and you have come to the conclusion that you truly arrived the rest is so easy and usually falls right into place.

I hope that this helped someone today, because it was upon my heart and I know someone out there needed to hear this today.

May God guide you and keep you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Break Free from your past to Victory!

Everyone of us has a past, that is a fact! For that matter you have some people that are running from theirs or are trying to escape it.  Then you have the flip side that don't have, shall we say, such a checkered or troubled past, just ordinary so too speak. No matter what the deal is with your past there are some things you need to be aware of when trying to start a new chapter of your life.  When I am talking about a new chapter that could be any number of things from new relationship, new job, new friends or organizations, seriously anything.

First thing you have to remember is the past is behind you, it is what you have done. It is what you know and in retrospect it is 20/20. Meaning you can see it perfectly.  Next thing you have to remember is that the past is immutable and unchangeable, it cannot be reworked or rewritten.  The unfortunate thing is it is the gauge upon which most people measure their future happiness and direction from.  The problem with that is we have a tendency as human's to rationalize and objectify past relationships.  This can greatly interfere with starting a new one, but we will cover that later on.  The third thing is there is a reason why it is called a past.  Seasons change, people grow and behaviors  that once were prevelant mutate or morph as we grow and learn.  Fourth, as we grow, learn and change a learned habit or behavior has changed, morphed or was left behind for a reason.  Look closely why you stopped doing something, carefully because you may find there was a reason or motivating factor that brought on the change, and guess what that reason is probably still there. Fifth, it is impossible to go back and recreate certain likable aspects of your past because no two moments, situations or people are ever going to be the same and you run the risk of destroying the tenuous path you built to lead your forward.  Sixth, you cannot live in the past! Time, circumstances, situations, players will change of course they have too. As was stated earlier no two moments will ever be exactly the same. Plus, trying to stay in the past hinders you from ever moving forward.  Past drama and baggage will surely trip you up and weigh you down.  That added weight clouds your judgement and impairs your vision.  It is sad but true for every new beginning there has to be an ending.  Accept that and move one.  Leave the past where it is. A good rule of thumb to consider how far forward can you possibly move if you are looking backward?  If you're fixated on your past you will be rooted where you are at and cannot move anywhere. If you aren't moving you become stagnate.  You cannot learn, you cannot grow and further yet you cannot experience anything.  Take it as a sign the past is a dead end, a road once traveled that has reached an end. Learn from it, use as a map or blueprint, a learning tool, for where to place your feet on the road ahead.  Look at the past pitfalls, potholes, detours and signposts so you don't run afoul, but keep it moving forward.  In other words, use it as a guide, learn from your mistakes, forgive what has come before, but don't forget lest you repeat them and crash.

Along with everyone's past comes a whole host of things. For one thing there are rewards and consequences for the choices you have made. It is unfortunate that not all actions and consequences are immediate.  Some things are slow and creep up on you, and you have to be ready to answer or atone for them.   Trust me everyone's past come back to bite them in the end.  You cannot change or avoid them forever.  For those that have a bad or checkered past you may never truly escape the judgement's and persecution that haunt you for what you have done.  It may even be impossible to return to the place of your past and ever succeed.  You might very well find your forward path is blocked and forever closed.  An example if you will. A friend of mine has tried so hard to make a positive change in his life. He has left Atlanta and returned home to regroup, retool and hone his skills and focus.  On several occasions has tried to return to Atlanta and has been unsuccessful thus far.  Now, background  and insight, though he has gone home, taken advice and has launched a very successful career.  He is human and has made some fatal mistakes at each and every possible return.  Let's look closely at the situation, careful to observe and understand then we will tell you how all of this can be changed for his benefit.  Over the past eight years or so my friend entered deeper and deeper into the drug culture of Atlanta, the party circuit, that I myself was a major player and purveyor of.  He built a reputation of being belligerent, violent, stubborn, weird and psychotic at times.  Rumors, innuendo, and tales of his exploits soon preceded him every where he went.  His reputation became one of that of a thief, a liar, a cheat. He fed into that with his temper time and time again, fights would occur  people got hurt, police had to be involved, etc.  Once a reputation precedes you it is very hard to change people's opinions and minds.  Innocent gestures, meaningless actions are silenced by the deafening roar of the past.  You're discounted as having changed before you can even demonstrate you have.  Nothing you say will be heard only dismissed out of hand, it seems pointless and frustrating. How can you change all of that?

How can you stage a return? Become triumphant? And demonstrate you have indeed changed?  The answer is simple really, you must first understand what you are up against.  Really open yourself up, search deep within yourself. Be brutally honest, understand and acknowledge your past. Be willing and able to reap what you have sown, be strong enough to weather the coming storm, because it will come! You must realign your life toward your focus and your goals.  Then you must shift your life 180 degrees, what once was in the open now becomes guarded and private.  You must change your habits, your friends. You must be selective and choose who and what you allow to be near to you.  You must let your work, deeds and actions speak for themselves. Become almost reclusive and secretive. Create and air of mystery, never showing weakness or lack of focus.  Change your routine, and if you can openly embrace the tide of skepticism, innuendo, show strength of purpose, passion and conviction in the face of detractors and doubts.  If you can break those habits that people expect to see, and if you can't then hid them so well that no one will ever see.  In order to break the past you mush show or project a clean break. I am fond of saying a change of scenery and friends maybe what it takes. You create a new persona, a public face that is what everyone will see, you guard that jealously and protect it at all costs.  This is what you will become.  Turn away those that would tear you down. Cut them from you. You must maintain at all times a united unbreakable front. Let your passions and actions be your words, your platform.

Those from your past will talk, they will jeer and try to bring you down. You must become the master of spin and damage control. Negative publicity can always be turned around and spun to have a positive light. Embrace your past, acknowledge your failings, but show you have risen above them, defeated them and have made a change.  Don't run from those things make them work for you!  Remember everyone is a sucker for a hard luck story, people always root for the underdog.  Your career must take precedence, you must curb your personal feelings and your inner need for gratification, turn your addictions into the drive and motivation you need to propel you forward.  Never forget where you came from but keep it moving forward.  Give back to the community be charitable and comfortable to acknowledge what you have come through. Show how you rose above what you were and how you triumphed over it. Own it, rule it, once you can do that, it can no longer hurt you.  Be candid and open, know in your heart that once it is out there under the spotlight of public life and the intense scrutiny that will follow that it can no longer hurt you, it could possibly benefit you in the long run.  Remember that in darkness and shadow deceit and misconceptions grow, and from that darkness can erupt a tidal wave of past misconduct that can pull you under if you aren't ready. Live in the light and keep it right and you will have nothing to fear!  You must be brave and suppress your insecurities, because those are the two biggest things that will hold you back and keep you from taking the risks necessary to carry you to the next level.

So what have we learned?  How can we be triumphant and dispel the myths, misconceptions, preconceived notions that linger from our checkered past? That to move forward we must make a change, understand that our entire life is up for scrutiny and review. Create a public facade that you want the world to see. Break the mold and the habits that hold you in place. Admit your faults, embrace your differences. Become focused on your career and goals, change those you hang with. Be compassionate with your detractors, show how you rose above your addictions and limitations, cast them in the light of victory. Show how you beat the odds that were stacked against you and that you truly have learned from your past.  Be a role model, give hope, courage and love through example. Actions speak louder than words! Remember your roots and be gracious. Put everything in the light keep nothing hidden.  Keep it moving forward, be guarded and careful of who you let into circle.  Do what you do! Be who you are and you can't fail.  Make sure your goals are attainable and reachable. Be a leader not a follower.  Know your voice and your message, defend those who can't defend themselves, embrace and be passionate about a cause that is greater than yourself. You are a champion, you have overcome and demonstrated it at every turn.  Be fierce and proud, don't be afraid to speak out loud!

You will know beyond a shadow of doubt that you have then made the transition, you have become that public face.  Never run from your past because you can never out run it. You can never hide from it either.  Remember "What's mead to be will always find its way" be up for the challenge, regard the fates the sisters three: Fate, Karma and Destiny. They weave the tapestry of life, be careful because at a whim they just may snip your thread and end your career. "Into the light Carol-Anne" let the world see how triumphant and successful you can be.  Reward yourself, be honest to your self and your cause. Watch and see how easy it can be!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The August 1st Full Moon

Tonight I looked up in the sky and I saw that the moon had risen full and bright
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:

Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II

Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.

On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.

On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.

Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.

My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.

I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.

Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.

For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round

Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B