Learning to be

I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.

What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.

It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence.  What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to.  To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.

So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant.  I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

The funny thing about animals is:

My roommate's found a cat that they brought inside way before I ever moved in with them. She was aloof, Moody and sometimes standoffish. Which surprised me since most animals warm up to me right away, which she didn't. Oh she would let me scratch her ears and occasionally she would allow me to share a chair with her. She would be laying on the back and I would sit with her for a little bit.  She has ventured into my room several times but really never stayed long.

About three weeks ago she actually came in and slept in my room for several hours.  It was a night when I was feeling a little down and lonely. She was locked out of my roommate's room where she usually sleeps and they were not letting her in.  That I guess was the start of our precarious relationship.

The truth be told she is really partial to Demario my good friend's partner. Travis, my friend she seems to tolerate and you could say that she likes him too. Me she treated as an outsider. Never having very much to do with me. Previously when Travis and Demario were away from home she would sit patiently by the front door and wait for them to come back or she would stay in their room.  She never bothered with me.

Four days ago Demario got sick and had to go to the hospital. He was admitted and Travis stayed with him. I had several doctor appointments that day and when I came home I could hear her crying in their room. Which is when I discovered that their door was locked and she was trapped inside. Hearing her cries I called Travis to see if there was a way for me to get his door open and let her out.  He told me about Demario and his condition and that he was going to stay with him for the night and she would be alright.

Travis ended up staying with Demario at the hospital Saturday night, all day Sunday . Monday morning I had to go to see the neurosurgeon and didn't get home til the afternoon. I had expected Travis to be home when I got back from the doctors. He didn't get home for several hours after I got home. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she could hear the cat crying. She asked me how long the cat had been locked in the room without food, water or access to her litter box. When I told her that Travis and Demario went to the hospital Saturday morning she begged me to figure out a way to get the cat out of the room.

Hanging up from my mom I picked the lock opened their room gave her food and water. That was a turning point in our relationship apparently. Because even though Travis was home and stayed the night last night. Maxine (the cat) followed me out to the kitchen when I went to talk to Travis and she rubbed all over my legs and was purring extremely loud.  Then this afternoon when Travis went back to the hospital to visit Demario, Maxine apparently feeling lonely came into my room while I was napping and curled up right on my chest.

When I woke up she stayed with me sat on my phone and notebook while I was trying to make some appointments for next week. She was insistent on getting my attention and having me scratch her.  I guess I made an impression on her and gained her trust. I think that she had finally accepted me into her family and her world. The funny thing about animals is that once they accept you and you gain their trust they accept you and let you in their lives.

Maxine demonstrated early on that she was sensitive to my mood and reacted to my loneliness. That night several weeks ago when she came into my room and slept with me, I believe she felt my despair, depression and loneliness and came to give me warmth and companionship when I felt most alone.  Demario whom she is extremely partial too has not been home and she has been trapped in the room for a couple of days must be missing human interaction.  Tonight she is laying here with me purring, I am home alone and was feeling down when she decided to come and lay with me.

It is my belief that she is lonely and missing her owners and felt my mood and emotions which brought her to come spend time with me. Animals provide unconditional love and companionship when we need it most. But they also need to have that love and companionship returned. Cats love but remain individual and very selective with their affections. Dog on the other become attached and bond deeply with their owners. They are pack animals and follow a single leader the alpha, which in this case is their human owner.

Dogs freely give their love and affection to their owner. Being bonded to their owners and living in the pack makes them very dependent on their human to take care of them. In essence they lose their individuality to the pack they have developed with their owners. They love are faithful and are great companions.

Whether you are a dog or cat person doesn't matter. You have to agree that pets are awesome friends and companions. I think that they also can help stabilize our moods, relieve anxiety and depression. They are empathic to our emotions and moods and are truly there for you when no one else is.  In my experience they also have the ability to help heal us.

After I battled large cell lymphoma and moved to Atlanta my partner Joe and I got two Chow Chows. One was named Pooh Bear because he looked and acted a lit like Winnie the Pooh. The other was a female Blue Chow and her name was Midnight. Pooh was bonded to me because when he was a puppy he was attacked by another dog and I got in the middle of the fight broke it up and took care of him. Also Joe traveled a great deal when I first moved to Atlanta and Poor was all I had for almost 8 months. He was my companion and best friend. I also had a cat named Sneakers at this time who I raised from 4 weeks of age feeding her with a bottle and keeping her safe.  Her mother was killed and I did everything I could to keep her alive.bdo she was already bonded with me.

Sneakers, Pooh and Midnight became my pack. They we're as dependent on me as I was on them.  It is my belief that I enjoyed almost ten years of being cancer free because of them.  Pooh died  seven years after I got him with stomach cancer. Three years after Pooh died I lost Sneakers, she hemorrhaged and died in my arms. She literally crawled to me dragging her hind legs and intestines to get to me. She was 14 years old. Midnight lived a little while longer but suffered a stroke, became blind and became very ill. While the three of them were alive my cancer remained in remission. I believe that all three of my animals were bonded with me and took on my cancer to spare me. I loved them dearly and was with each one of them when they passed. They were my children and my family, I had them cremated and had engraved urns with miniature statues of them attached to their urns.

Unfortunately last summer when I went to jail for 60 days and my landlord decided that I abandoned the house I was living in literally threw all of my possessions away. My social security check was also stopped and I was unable to pay for my rental unit any longer. I lost everything including their urns. But, my point here is that as long as they were alive my cancer remained in remission. It wasn't long after Pooh and Sneakers died my cancer came back and I lost my large intestines. Prior to my first surgery my dad and I found a yellow lab puppy. Her name was little bit, she was a very special dog. So smart and had the loving personality that Pooh had.

If I believed in reincarnation I would swear that little bit was Pooh come back to take care of me. My first surgery was extremely painful. But little bit was with me through it and the 29 other surgeries that I had. She became a service dog and loved me so much and I miss her dearly. Since then I have had other pets. A cat named Tigger who decided that he liked living outside but always came back home. He slept with me every night and was definitely my cat. I had Skylar and Madison both black labs but I lost them all and maybe that is why I am once again battling cancer. Because I don't have a stable environment to live in and I no longer have a pet.

It is my belief that animals as pets love and protect us with their very lived. They feel our emotions, moods and balance our energy and our lives. It is my belief that they have the ability to heal us mentally, emotionally and physically.

However, the funny things about animals is that they are very selective in accepting a human owner. But once they do they are there for you always. They are you comfort and companion when you need them the most.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, live well love deeply. It's your life your time enjoy it. It's all about you now. Stay focused and do you. Say no when you need to and stick to it.

Uncle B

Do not Surrender

It is amazing the things that you can hear when you just sit there and listen.  Last evening a friend of mine from the Snellville days contacted me via Facebook.  She talked and I listened to what she was willing to share with me. As she was talking she said that a true friend never gives up on another friend.  As I lay in the bed I began to think on this and ponder it some more. If you are my friend on Facebook you know that I was unable to sleep last night because my brain seemed to be working in over time.  That simple statement tugged at me and pulled at me, so I began to think about my life long friends.  The ones that I have had for 30 + years. I analyzed the characters of these friends and their caliber.  I wanted to know what made them tick and how we remained friends for so long.

I can honestly say that two of my friends have been through it all with me, the thick, the thin, the boyfriends, the relationships, the moves from Atlanta, to Pennsylvania, to Arlington, back to East Point and so forth.  These two people are rare in the fact that if they had not been in my life I would have died a long time ago.  One of them gave me inspiration and hope while the other one held my hand and cried with me.  Sa'corey knows what I am talking about because he was the one that sat on my bed with me and cried with me when I found out I was HIV + and again when I found out that they were going to have to remove my large intestines.  He wiped my tears, held my hand and let me cry on his big shoulders.  My friend John pulled my head out of depression and set me straight on the path that I am on now.  He looked at me one day shortly after they had removed all the staples from my abdomen and told me that he wanted to know where I was, where was the real Bryan, because the Bryan he was seeing wasn't the person he grew up with.  He told me that he admired me and that I had been the type of person that would set their mind to a task and just go out an get it.  A person who was confident and sure of what he was doing and wasn't afraid to learn new things.

That night I thought about what he had said and I wondered if he was correct if I had lost a part of me.  The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that they were both right.  Sa'corey told me that I was a strong person and I could face what was happening too me and I would win and beat it.  John had pointed out that I was a leader and not a follower, that I had given a part of myself away and that I needed to reclaim it, for if I did I would be able to conquer anything that was thrown at me..  Now you can imagine what my life was like at that time.  I had serious doubts about everything, I had seen the specialist in New York and I knew that nothing could be done about my condition. The damage was done when they operated the first time.  Dreading and fretting that my life as a gay man was over terrified me and weakened me.  But, because of my best friends surrounding me and encouraging me to stay vigilant and strong, because they knew I was going to own this dragon or demon that had attached itself too me.

Upon reflection John was absolutely right I had lost my focus, my drive and my will to survive, and those were the very things I was going to need to rise up and fight this battle.  Sa'corey and John saw something in me and knew that God was with me.  Sa'corey sat with me the night before my surgery and he told me that there were angels all around me and that the light coming from me was brighter than ever. I knew in that moment just how Love, Blessed and Anointed I was, and I was to learn that I was also favored.  I knew in my heart that I was going to make it through the surgery and live, because I knew that God had work for me to do.  This is how awesome God is, that surgery that I had in September of 2007 was more extensive and invasive than the first surgery that I had back in 2005, yet I felt no pain.  My original surgery the pain was so great that I had to walk around the house for hours to lessen it's grip on me.  But I swear to you that I had no pain with this  surgery at all.  I did however lose a lot of weight and started running a high temperature it got as high as 103.7 and when the fever hit me I was unable to walk.

My mother and her friend literally picked me up and put in the car and drove me to the hospital.  Under my staples and abscess had formed and my body was getting weaker and weaker.  The doctors were relying on antibiotics, but that wasn't what was needed at all.  On the third day of the IV antibiotics the surgeon came in and told me that if something didn't change soon that my body was going to shut down and I would drift to sleep and never wake up.  I don't know why I thought that was funny but at that very moment I started to laugh and it was a good laugh it filled my lungs, and bolstered my courage.  So I asked the doctor for some hydrogen peroxide and some que-tips because I couldn't stand how crusty and nasty my staples had become.  He told the nurse to bring it too me that I couldn't hurt myself that I had already gone septic.  She brought me those long wooden que-tips and a small cup full of hydrogen peroxide.  She left the room and I set about to start cleaning my wounds and staples.  Maybe it was the hands of an angel that guided my hand as I made the first mistake, which turned out to be the proper course of action.

I had started cleaning the middle staples because these were the worst crusted of all of them.  Because that was where the initial infection had started and where the puss came from. I dipped the cotton end into the solution and I set out to get all the gunk off of me.  If I was going to die then no one was ever going see this.  That is when it happened my hand slipped and the cotton end glided across the staple surface and went directly into the wound and when I pulled it out the puss and infections started erupting from my abdomen. I called the nurse who brought me sterile gauze and peroxide. For almost and hour and half that wound drained. The very next morning I woke up feeling great I looked down at my stomach and the infection seemed to have vanished.  The doctor came in a bit later and told me that I did what modern medicine couldn't do.  I saved my self by accidentally slipping and puncturing the main pocket of infection and as we were cleaning it out my body went on over drive and defeated  what was remaining.

Why am I telling you all of this?  It is because if I can come through all this adversity and survive so can you. I was born with a fractured skull, my parents were told that I would have brain damage and that I probably would never walk or talk. Well I started talking a little after my first birthday and they haven't been able to shut me up yet.  My mother and father will tell you I have never met a stranger, that I look and bring out the good in people. I am very social and love helping others and. of course I love to write and talk.  But why the title Do not Surrender?  What am I trying to tell you?

My friends whenever someone is told that they have cancer they automatically believe that their life is going to end and they are going to wither away and die.  Some of them might, but most will find that the new treatments are not as harsh as the ones I had to take and there is a much higher success rate with the newer drugs.  So there is hope .  Look I am going lay it out for you straight and to the point. Last year in 2014 I was told that I had 6 terminal illnesses and I had an aneurysm which caused me to need 28 blood transfusions.  I also suffered from a severe case of osteomilitis and was almost paralyzed my spinal cord was seriously compromised.  Yet, when Grace from physical therapy came in that first day and told me that I was going to be stuck in that chair for the rest of my life.  I literally laughed at her like I did the doctor in 2007.  Difference this time was some permanent damage, my spinal column has collapsed due to hundreds of microfractures in my thoracic spine.  The damage has been confirmed to be between the T5 and the T10 vertebrea.  With that being said my rib cage is compressed and I cannot fully expand my lungs because it hurts too bad. Oh and by the way within 2 weeks of her telling me that I would never walk again I carried myself to the gym after training hours and I worked out on the balance bars, I drug my feet along and forced them to work and I was rewarded by being able to walk. Once i left the wheel chair I went to the 2 wheeled walker and had that for about a month or so and then I had  the 4 wheeled walker and though I still have the 4 wheeled walker I no longer need it. I walked out of the nursing home using my cane and today I don't have to have any type of  device to help me walk at all.

Now I have gone through all of these things to show you that no matter what you are going through or what you have to face that God has got you. You do not need to worry, lay your problems at His feet and walk away leaving them there because He will take care of them.  Just keep in mind that our time is not His time.  We might begin to panic but remember that God is always on time.

Do not surrender to your illness, do not surrender to depression, do not surrender to peer pressure, and do not surrender to temptation.  Remember that God has got you, He has a host of angels that surround you. But, most importantly keep in mind that this too shall pass.  No problem is as permanent as the solution.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

God is talking and I am listening

I know that I have talked about this before, but God has laid it upon my heart to reach out to you again and remind some of you that you are trying to hard to get ahead in life.  You are striving to get that raise, move to the next level in you work life.  But your home life is suffering and taking a backseat, and that isn't fair to those around you that love and cherish you.  It is time for you to slow down, it is okay to be ambitious.  But it is not okay to be ruthless and try to discredit or hurt the ones that are competing against you.  You are supposed to bring all things to Jesus and lay them at His feet and that includes challenges at work and yes even that promotion you are shooting for.

Too many of us get wrapped up in ourselves and cannot separate work life from home life.  For some reason you cannot compartmentalize and separate the too and guess what your home life becomes just as stressful as your work life.  Trust me the ones around you can see it and feel it when you are near.  That stress and tension that you have at work needs to stay at work.  Now I am not saying that you cannot tell your spouse about your day whether it was good or bad, but the tension and stress needs to be left outside at your front door.

It has been weighing on my heart that many of us are looking back over our lives and we are not anywhere near where we thought we would be.  Some of you are, but a majority of us aren't.  Whether you have had a setback due to health, injury, lay offs, downsizing etc. you aren't where you thought you would be.  I know that when I look back at my life I would never have thought that at the age of 46 that I would be starting my life all over again, that I would be single and that I would be renting an apartment and struggling to make ends meet.  How could I have planned this?  How did this actually happen to me, and what am I doing about it to get myself and my mind right about all of the things that have happened to me over the past 10 years?

The honest truth is in April of 2012, I made a conscious decision to leave Atlanta Georgia and return to Florida.  I had been heavily in the drug scene in Atlanta and was actually homeless and was roaming the streets.  It was bitter cold because it was during the winter.  The day that I boarded the bus in Atlanta was 3 March 2012, and I had only the clothes on my back a sweat shirt and sweat pants and a pair of tennis shoes.  Yet, there was a reason for my decision to leave.  I had found out in December that I had kidney stones real bad and they were extremely painful.  On Dec. 23, 2011 I had to have surgery to have the stones removed and after the surgery the Urologist came into the room and told me that my kidneys were failing that one was working at 15% and the other at 50%.  the other thing that he told me was that my condition was irreversible and that I needed to go home because if I didn't I would end up another statistic on the street that had died.  So I boarded a bus and literally came home to die.

Before I go on here I need to explain about the drug usage that occurs in my life.  See, I have emotional issues about my body, my scars, my having to have a colostomy bag and other issues.  Therefore getting high was the only way that I could feel comfortable around other people to take off my clothes and have sex.  Now this might sound strange to you, but it is the honest and unvarnished truth.  See my drug of choice is Crystal Meth, unfortunately as I have found out over the past 3 years is that using that stuff takes a very heavy toll on my body and I end up every time I use in the hospital.  So, I had to ask myself was the couple of hours that I was high worth the price my body was taking and was it worth all the time I ended up spending in the hospital.  The answer is No.  Even recently in Feb. I thought I was healthy enough to try it, and granted I had been off of it close to a full year, but my body wasn't with it. I ended up in ICU for 7 days with acute renal failure.  My kidneys were damaged so much this last time that they thought I was going to have to have dialysis and my body probably wouldn't have been able to survive the shock that puts on your system.  Luckily a lot of you were praying for me, and I am thankful that once again the Hand of God intervened due to all the prayers and well wishes you sent my way because let me tell you something a miracle happened on the fourth day that I was in there.  My kidneys miraculously came back on line and started working better.  The creatinin level started to decline and the doctors knew that I was returning to a normal state.

You maybe wondering why I am going into all of this stuff.  Because I want you to realize something, choices that we make can bring us to a place where we don't want to be or never expected to be in a million years.  When I got out of the Navy in 1991 I had a tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide and had to go through chemo and radiation.  This slowed me down at the age of 24, but four years later I was bouncing back and had moved to Atlanta and had started a life.  Me and Joe had it all good jobs bringing in lots of money.  We had 2 houses, several cars, 2 dogs, a cat.  Basically we made it to where we wanted to be.  However in 2004 all of that was going to change.  My symptoms returned and I got sick again, and on Jan 25, 2005 they decided that they were going to operate on me and that was the biggest mistake of my life.  It led me down the current path I am on.  See it was after the surgeries and the damage that the doctors did to my body that I learned about Crystal Meth and how it could help me overcome my insecurities and have a semi normal relationship with other people.  However, it is also the very reason that I am single today and where I am at, if you want to know that absolute truth.

Yet, even I look back at my life and I see what I had and what I have lost and sometimes it makes me sad.  I threw away a lot of people that cared about me and embarked on a solo journey that was going to end with my destruction.  However, I have come off that path and have found a new direction to focus my energies on and that is you my friends.  I am here because someone out there needs to hear this right now.  One person's life is going to be altered by my writing this.  I know this to be true because God has spoken too me and I am finally listening.  See the drug was a crutch, I cannot be happy with anyone else till I am totally comfortable with who I am, and I mean all of me.  Not just the parts that I like but the bags, scares and everything else that goes with it.

My point is as I look back and see where I have been and where I am at now, neither place was where I exactly wanted to be.  Yet, if it hadn't been for that journey and going through everything that I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing too you and trying to help you.  See I would be out there doing the same stuff that all my friends are still doing and not going forward with my life, just stuck on Repeat, doing the same things day in and day out and using people and trying to work out how I am going to get high again tomorrow.  I am so glad that my dad and God decided that enough was enough and helped me get to Florida.

In the first 8 months that I was here, I had a job, a car, and an apartment.  I was making real progress and doing stuff for myself.  I had joined some groups and had made some really good friends.  I am hoping that this year is going to be a better year and I am going to be hanging out with those new friends now more than ever.

So what am I really trying to tell you in this very long and drawn out narrative. Is simply this.  When you look back at your life and you find that you aren't exactly where you thought you would be.  You need to look at what you have done, been and accomplished.  See it is the journey that counts and when all is said and done you are going to realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  God brought you to the perfect place so you could tell your story.  It is time now to become happy and content with where you are at any stage of your life.  See, once you realize that you are where God wants you too be and you have come to the conclusion that you truly arrived the rest is so easy and usually falls right into place.

I hope that this helped someone today, because it was upon my heart and I know someone out there needed to hear this today.

May God guide you and keep you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Here's the thing about Love!

Over the past few days the topic of love has been brought up to me by several people.  One of my best friends in Ft. Lauderdale has been going through some stuff with his boyfriend and has begun to question his idea of love. Even I have been questioning it a great deal lately, because the person I am interested in has been MIA (missing in action).  Then there is my friend Tony in Atlanta that I have been thinking about and the conversations we had while I was visiting up there last month.  All of these discussions have prompted me to look a little closer at love, and what I really know about it.

See I am not a typical gay person, until recently I have always been in a long term relationships.  In a way I have been in one relationship after another for the first 30 years of my life.  After my relationship with Joe ended I seem to have had a series of short term relationships ranging from a couple of months to three years, but even though I have been in relationships and been with men all of my life, I wonder if I have ever truly been in love.

See, love is suppose to make things easy between two people and bring them from separate individuals into a couple.  It is supposed to make them stronger, bring them closer together, unite them.  When two people are truly in love with one another it is almost like a drug, they are intoxicated by each others presence and hate to be alone.  The couple ignore the flaws and faults of the other, they accept them for themselves. They enjoy spending time together and talking about everything. There are no secrets between them and they trust each other completely.  They want only the best for their partner and wish them good fortune and happiness at every turn.  They love doing little things and creating surprises, they bring out the best in each other and push them to reach their limits. Love creates a patient understanding between the two of them and conflict is less because they fit together so well.

Since I have been in good relationships and bad relationships and have stayed with people way longer than I should have, I think I have a good handle on what relationships entail.  But, still I wonder if any of the relationships I have been in really were based on love, or were they more a partnership?  Or a joining of forces to reach the next level or step in life? To be honest, I think that maybe the reason why those relationships of the past didn't last forever was because they weren't based on love, but more a joining of partners like a business partnership.  Maybe I am still waiting for the right person to come along, my soulmate so to speak.  Who honestly knows at this point!

This is what I know about love: Love is kind, considerate, never boastful, it is trusting, full of compassion and understanding, it is patient and kind, giving and most of all it is forgiving.  Love allows us to accept ourselves and others, including their likes, dislikes, their goodness and their faults.  Love is never envious, it is always gentle, yet when it needs to be it can be firm.  Love doesn't judge or find fault, it is unconditionally given and is always greatest when it is shared. Love is a seed that is planted, tended patiently and blooms with spectacular colors and passions. It unites us and binds us, it gives us hope for the future, and strength to overcome any obstacle.  Love has the ability to span time and distance, bridge gaps in cultures, ethnicities and social barriers. Yet love also blinds us to the frailties of the spirit, but uplifts us and gives us the ability to overcome disabilities, limitations and stigmas.

Love isn't hard, it doesn't hurt and if it does there is something extremely wrong.  Love unites, never separates, it doesn't thrive in strife and anger, it withers and grows thorns.  There is a fine line between love and hate they say and if your aren't careful you can cross that line.  Yet, somehow I don't believe that is honestly true, because if there is love in your heart, and you look through compassionate eyes, there can be no hate. Love counters hate, it is a light that guides us, it is what make a house feel like home, it makes our partner feel like part of us, that where one of us ends the other begins, it is a circle and the ring that is used to symbolize love and the union of a couple is symbolic of the circle.  You can forgive anything through love, but you should never forget, because forgetting could possibly lead to you to make the same mistakes again.

What I am trying to say is this, if you find yourself questioning the one you love, look at the circumstances that you find yourselves in.  Maybe it isn't the person that you are doubting, but the actions and choices that have brought you to that point.  Only you can know what is in your heart and mind, and if you aren't honest with yourself you can never truly be honest with your partner. That my friend isn't love, it is a deception, a lie that you tell yourself so you can sleep at night.  See, we can never truly know what another is thinking, their motivations, the forces that are acting upon them, the deceit and deceptions they are playing on themselves and you. But, what we can see and feel is their heart, their intentions may be hidden from us, but their heart is what will give them away, because the actions that follow will be clear.  I keep telling others that actions speak louder than words, that the small things you do for each other give clues to the seriousness of their love.  See, it is the little things that make it all worthwhile, the little note in their lunch that says "I love You". The unexpected surprise gift, the little note left on the mirror that tells them to smile.  The little romantic gestures that seem silly and mundane to the rest of the world but mean so much to you and your partner, those are the tell tale signs of love.

Anyone can utter the words I love you, but do their actions, eyes, and heart show that they do?  That is only something you can find out and answer. There really is someone out there for everyone, and we have to find that person, make the connection and when you do it will be awesome and everything you dreamed of.  You will know in your heart that they are the one. I don't know how, but I know it is true. I have seen people in love, and felt the warmth radiate from them, I have noticed the gleam in their eye, and I have felt the joy and happiness that they contain, so yes my friends I know that love exists. It isn't some chemical balance that is released into your bloodstream.  It is a connection of the soul a binding of the spirit, it is so much more than just two people coming together and muttering words of love.  Those types of relationships tend to fail.  Love comes from really knowing someone, trusting them completely, it isn't something that just happens, it is a deep an inner connection that grows over time.

Don't fret my friend if you haven't gotten there yet, it will come, just be patient.  Oh and one more thing, the strongest and most lasting relationships usually start out as friendships.  So don't be fooled when someone tells you they care about you, but they don't want to ruin the friendship, because guess what if that is what they think then they aren't the right one.  Because anyone knows that you can't ever truly ruin a friendship, you can make it stronger with love, but see friendships are everlasting, they also require work, but a friend gets over the pain of mistakes and they can work through anything.  I have had several blowouts with some of my best friends over the years and I can honestly tell you that no matter what time has healed those wounds and we have always managed to work through our issues and problems and have always come back together. So take it from me, you may have found your love, they could be one of your friends and you both just don't know it yet, because like I said earlier it is a seed that once planted takes time to grow, and when it does you will definitely know.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All my life all I ever wanted to do was help other people

Believe it or not it is the truth, and those of you who have known me all my life can attest to the fact that I have continued to help everyone who needed it around me.  Sometimes to the exclusion of my own needs, wants and desires.  I would try and help as many people as I could till sometimes it hurt me and my relationships and friendships.  My philosophy in life was a simple one you cannot use someone who knows what you are doing.  Unfortunately, I got hurt by a lot of people who I was just trying to help.  But in all honesty I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life.  Because what I have been through has made me the person I am today.  I have come through some really tough places, and been in some really strange situations, but I came away from all of it with a new understanding and knowledge that I would have missed out on if I hadn't had that particular experience.

I cannot say that my life has been a road full of joy, but I can tell you that it has been a great deal happier for all the people I have met and known on my journey.  Trust and believe that journey is far from over, but my ideals have changed a bit, I have found a way to help people without jeopardizing myself or getting caught up in their drama.  See usually it isn't necessarily the person that causes the problem, though you do run into those occasional few that try to run game on you, it is the drama that surrounds the person that causes the most problems.  If you could detach the person from the drama that surrounds the problem or issue, you have a better chance of helping them.  Though to be honest nine times out of ten it will be impossible, drama like to follow the downtrodden and that is just a fact of life.

I am here to tell you that you can help people, inspire them, and do great things without personally getting too involved in their life and their drama. You can offer words of encouragement, you can talk to them about their situation and offer solid real world advice, and they have to option to listen to you or carry on in their situation. You don't have to give them money, or housing, or food or any of those things, because you know what there are places and things that can help them, all you have to do is know the right resource to point them too. Now, I am not a proponent of leaving anyone on the streets, but I do know how effective it is to have 8 people crammed into your 2 bedroom apartment and you are the only one with income.  Trust me you are going to quickly find out that your valuables and your hard earned money isn't going to be enough and before you know it you are going to be going through it.  I learned in my last stay in Atlanta, that there is such a things as the word "NO" and that you have to exercise "Tough Love" sometimes in order to get someone motivated to do the right thing.

If you are like me and you love people and you have the desire to help them, find a way to do it that isn't going to jeopardize your well being and upset your social order, and bring discord into your life. Everyday I sit in front of my computer and I think of ways that I know of that can benefit other peoples lives, I write about them and post them here for you all to see. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do with my time and energy.  I am wanting to start going on the lecture circuit and talk about cancer and other terminal illnesses like HIV and HEP C, because I have been exposed to all of those things, I have learned about them and what they mean.  I am also a survivor, and I have some real world practical knowledge that I can share with people about these types of things.  Now, honestly I have no real idea of how to break into that circuit, but trust me when I tell you I am going to find out.  Because I want people to know that there is still life and plenty of things to do when you are afflicted with one of these things. There is so much to live for and to dream about, and do with your life, all you have to do is find the courage and the inspiration to follow through.

I encourage each and everyone of you to look around you, search the face of the people you know and find the inspiration in each of them, you know we all have a story, and we all have accomplishments that we should be proud of. I have never wanted to be famous or be more than I am, but I have had my chances, I can tell you I was well known when I worked for Disney, I met a lot of people in the entertainment industry, and some of them I made an impression on and some probably don't even remember my name, but then I moved to Atlanta and again I found myself in a position where I knew a lot of people and was influential in things pertaining to the government of the State of Georgia. I worked for 4 different Governors, and my opinion was asked for and valued at the same time.  Now, here I am telling you that you can do it! You can be anything you want to be, but I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, you must make sure that your needs are taken care of and met before you try to take care of anyone else's needs or problems, because if you don't one day you are going to wake up and realize that you have been taken for a ride, and everyone has left you and you have nothing left to give to anyone anymore.  I know trust me I am speaking from personal experience here.

But, here is the thing about me, nothing keeps me down for long, I love people, and I love movies, and I love music, and I find inspiration in people and things that you probably aren't even aware of.  I was on Google + a minute ago and Nicki Minaj is doing a question and answer on their and I saw her response to one girl who asked her is she would come and visit her school. Nicki's response was to email her because she didn't have any information on where this girl was at or where her school was.  Now this is from a superstar, taking the interest here.  I have been following Nicki's career with interest, and have encouraged her to read my blog, but who knows if she will or not, but I can tell you she is an inspiration to me, she gives me strength knowing that she is out there doing her best to be a role model for these young women, someone they can look up to.  She teaches them to respect themselves and their talent, and to dare to dream, because dreams do come true.  Now, I don't know if Nicki ever dreamed of when she signed with LiL Waynes label that she would become a role model or not, but I can tell you this, she is doing a great job with it.  What's even better she is taking the time out of her schedule to address her fans one on one, and that is something that you don't see every star doing.  I applaud her efforts and I know she is going to go far in this world.

My point in all of this, is if you want to help someone and they have truly asked for your help and you are willing to take on the challenge, then I encourage you to do so bravely, but remember to take care of yourself in the process, don't let them take more from you than you are willing to give, and know when to say No and when it is time to cut the strings, because there are some out there that will continue to take and never give in return, there are those that don't understand the concept of help, and in actuality all you end up doing is enabling them to continue in their own set behavior and never move out of it. Trust me I have been an enabler more times than I can to reiterate here, but let me tell you, if the person you are trying to help isn't trying to better themselves, and continues on in the same pattern of behavior you found them in, you need to cut the strings and walk away, because they aren't really looking for your help, they are trying to find someone who is going to provide for their current needs and forget the rest, and if you are not careful they may pull you down with them.

I live my life as an example of how you can change the way you were handling things to a better more constructive way.  My blogging enables me to reach out and touch and help more people now more than ever, and I don't have to support them, feed them, or help them get drugs.  Because you know what I have been there before and I can tell you that it can become defeatist if you let it, and you can get stuck in the same trap that the person you are trying to help is in and before you know it you are looking for a hand to help you out of your predicament.  Trust me it isn't easy when you lose your way, and it is hard to get back on your feet when you are constantly starting over with nothing.  But know this, you can benefit from each experience, you can learn from them and you can grow. Others will see what your about and take inspiration from it and try to emulate you.  That is the best form of flattery if you ask me, if someone takes how you do things and imitates them.

I keep telling you that life is short and that you cannot help everyone in the world, and maybe I am wrong, because as of my 100th blog entry I have readers from 25 countries check out my blog. Now, I have no way of know if they have actually read it or what, but I can tell you that I have a lot of readers out there. Not many of them have actually joined my blog site, but I have a lot of people that email me and post on my Facebook and Twitter about my blog, so I am encouraged to keep on writing. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have heard what I am saying before, but they just need a reminder now and then.  Other times, I feel the Spirit of the Lord or my Angels telling me that I need to write something, and before you know it I am getting a post or comment telling me thank you that it must have been meant for them because it came at just the right moment that they needed to hear  it.

I write because it helps me deal with the situations I am going through, and I use examples from my own life and I try to keep the focus simple and easy to understand because, I want everyone to find some value or benefit from what I write.  I am not making any money doing this, it is my passion and something that I am good at.  I retired because of illness and I do this because I want to, not because I have to, and trust me if I don't write for a day I feel guilty even when I publish three in a day.  But there are some days when I have to think a bit more about the topic I want to discuss because I haven't quite got it all worked out yet.  But when I do I am back at the keyboard typing away.

So those of you that want to help others around you find a way like me to help them and others and do it in such a way that you are a positive role model that they can base their own choices on.  Keep up a positive outlook on things and watch how much of a return you get in the sense of joy and satisfaction. Trust me you will be amazed at how good it feels knowing that you were able to help someone and that they benefited in some small way from your life and your example.

All of you keep up the good work, and please be sure to look around you and find inspiration in those that touch your life.  Tell them thank you, share with them the encouragement and strength you have found in them, take time to appreciate them.  Give thanks to God that he has brought them into your life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What it takes to make any type of relationship work

The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard.  Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time.  The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth.  Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships.  I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise.  Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.

There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part.  I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship.  This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you.  I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are.  But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily.  Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding.  Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.

Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better.  Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier.  Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there.  I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask.  This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.

So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time.  I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta.  He also came up there and we went to school together.  So it has been a long time.  But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day.  But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result?  Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you.  You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back.  This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.

Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal.  In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever.  But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from.  It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you.  Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work.  Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel.  You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt.  They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.

How did you get that way?  I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations.  You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't.  When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there.  Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer.  I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship.  So, it can work just like I said.  The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.

The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them.  If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again.  For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better.  The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion.  We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place.  We ended up throwing it all away.

The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above.  Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.

So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together.  We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together.  That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust.  That they are open and communicative with one another.  That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again.  We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person.  We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another.  That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners.  That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.

It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside.  You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around.  You have to live in the present, let go of the past.  Why would you want to cling to it anyway?  It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway.  If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories".  Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does.  But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel.  Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel.  This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger.  Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.

Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding.  One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.

As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.  What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart.  I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again.  But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times.  When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous.  Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.

The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship.  This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship.  When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same.  There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it.  The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another.  Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Coming out a tale of fear...

Something has been telling me that this is a topic I need to talk about.  One of the things I pride myself on is the ability to take complex concepts and write about them in such a way that anyone who reads about it can understand the topics.  I try hard to break down these topics to make sure that the most people can benefit by what I write about.  For the LGBT community the largest fear is often the fear of being found out about their sexual preference by friends and family.  Coming out is probably a young gay persons biggest nightmare and fear that they have to face. The art of deception is practiced and they become experts at hiding their true selves from family, friends, co-workers and peers.

In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone.  In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing.  It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with.  Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.

It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves.  Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them.  They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings.  Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians.  It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay.  As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual.  Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual.  Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.


Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread.  Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something.  At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase.  Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event.  When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week.  At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage. 


I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out.  There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends.  The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around.  You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you.  You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you.  Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived.  I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you.  I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are.  There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.

Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone.  These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way.  But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be.  The first response is going to be denial.  For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk  about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt.  The second phase is Anger,  now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward.  Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation.  Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure.  The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this.  Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of.  But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down.   The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it.  But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through.  Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.

You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is.  Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are.  Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy.  I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you.  Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety.  Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you.  Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last.  Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to.  When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's.  Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world.  Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day.  I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.

I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it.  Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling.  Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often.  Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight".  As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick.  Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above.  Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.

I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry.  This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition.  I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future.  It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them.  I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition.  What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.

Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way.  In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life.  The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda.  So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway.  Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of.  Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth.  Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.

I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up.  These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are.  They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life.  Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone.  But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved.  Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.

Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out.  It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret.  I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else.  Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents.  Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents.  Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother.  However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie.  I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well.  How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life.  I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.

For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could.  Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it.  Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become.  Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this.  I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died.  It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went.  My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him.  My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick."  Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly.  She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.

Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true.  Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back.  Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children.  My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy.  Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes.  His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years.  He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him.  We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family.  But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged.  Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.

I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him.  He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay.  He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past.  He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone.  To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love.   When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around.  It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.


Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting.  But it can drive you to  be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it.  When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts.  I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay.  Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners.  Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't.  If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.


No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out.  Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.  


It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you.  Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved.  But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move.  Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it.  There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process.  Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.


As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Can you actually change who you really are?

I was watching the second episode of Perception, a new series on TNT, this afternoon and the question was posed at the end of the program.  "Can you actually change who you really are?" Now in the past we talked about the masks we where, and how we use them to shield and protect us from emotional hurt.  These masks are what the world around us see's and perceives us to be.  When we talked about them, I explored that a person doesn't actually change, they way we see them and interact with them does, as we relax and drop our masks.  But the bigger question to me is can a person really change?  Does the core value system of a person adapt and change over time?  Two very separate questions and two different answers. But I honestly believe that change comes through our experience. But our core value system remains the same through-out our life time.

In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college.  No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around.  A person pretty much doesn't change.  Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury.  A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something.  Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases.  Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.

Not all change is for the better.  Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little.  I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years.  Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years.  Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection.  Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body.  The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.

Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you.  You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.

However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same.  You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws.  It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it.  There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.

A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed.  What he does to one he will continue to do to others.  Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness.  Thus an impetus for change.  Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place.  Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in.  Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help.  That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.

Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill.  However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change.  In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain.  I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses.  The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.

I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved.  Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me.  I was actually enabling them.  I wasn't helping them.  It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself.  It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.

As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die.  So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change.  Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.

I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself.  I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change.  They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can.  Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in.  Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take.  If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time.  These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were.  It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.

Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too.  You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die.  I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes.  But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over.  I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down.  So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.

I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past.  I have grown and I have matured yes.  I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them.  But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning.  It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.

I hope this finally makes sense to you.  I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself.  But I am not.  I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes.  Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change.  So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort.  When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.

I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B