The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard. Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time. The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth. Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships. I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise. Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.
There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part. I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship. This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you. I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are. But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily. Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding. Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.
Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better. Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier. Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there. I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask. This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.
So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time. I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta. He also came up there and we went to school together. So it has been a long time. But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day. But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result? Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you. You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back. This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.
Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal. In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever. But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from. It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you. Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work. Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel. You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt. They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.
How did you get that way? I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations. You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't. When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there. Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer. I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship. So, it can work just like I said. The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.
The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them. If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again. For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better. The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion. We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place. We ended up throwing it all away.
The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above. Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.
So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together. We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together. That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust. That they are open and communicative with one another. That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again. We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person. We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another. That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners. That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.
It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside. You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around. You have to live in the present, let go of the past. Why would you want to cling to it anyway? It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway. If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories". Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does. But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel. Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel. This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger. Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.
Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding. One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.
As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work. What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart. I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again. But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times. When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous. Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.
The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship. This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship. When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same. There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it. The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another. Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label human nature. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human nature. Show all posts
Friday, July 27, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Coming out a tale of fear...
Something has been telling me that this is a topic I need to talk about. One of the things I pride myself on is the ability to take complex concepts and write about them in such a way that anyone who reads about it can understand the topics. I try hard to break down these topics to make sure that the most people can benefit by what I write about. For the LGBT community the largest fear is often the fear of being found out about their sexual preference by friends and family. Coming out is probably a young gay persons biggest nightmare and fear that they have to face. The art of deception is practiced and they become experts at hiding their true selves from family, friends, co-workers and peers.
In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone. In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing. It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with. Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.
It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves. Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them. They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings. Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians. It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay. As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual. Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual. Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.
Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread. Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something. At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase. Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event. When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week. At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage.
I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out. There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends. The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around. You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you. You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you. Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you. I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are. There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.
Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone. These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way. But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be. The first response is going to be denial. For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt. The second phase is Anger, now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward. Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation. Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure. The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this. Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of. But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down. The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it. But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through. Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.
You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is. Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are. Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy. I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you. Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety. Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you. Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last. Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to. When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's. Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world. Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day. I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.
I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it. Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling. Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often. Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight". As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick. Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above. Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.
I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry. This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition. I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future. It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition. What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.
Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way. In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life. The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda. So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway. Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of. Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth. Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.
I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up. These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are. They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life. Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone. But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved. Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.
Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out. It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret. I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else. Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents. Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents. Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother. However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie. I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well. How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life. I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.
For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could. Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it. Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become. Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this. I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died. It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went. My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him. My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick." Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly. She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.
Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true. Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back. Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children. My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy. Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes. His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years. He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him. We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family. But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged. Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.
I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him. He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay. He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past. He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone. To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love. When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around. It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting. But it can drive you to be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it. When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever. As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts. I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay. Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners. Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't. If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.
No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out. Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.
It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you. Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved. But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move. Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it. There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process. Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
In most cases these young men and women perfect their ruse so convincingly that they often times can start to believe if for themselves, most develop the idea that they are bisexual and often have sex with anyone and everyone. In all honesty this is probably not a bad thing. It helps them to figure out which group they feel more comfortable around and identify with. Generally through this period of experimentation they figure out which group they develop stronger attachments too and where their attractions really gravitate towards. Unfortunately, because of their upbringing and feelings of difference as well as guilt drive these young individuals to hide who they are and fear discovery of their inclinations so they do everything they can to hide what they are feeling.
It seems that feelings of guilt as well as fear of discovery paralyzes young people and keeps them from truly feeling comfortable with themselves. Another fear is that of letting parents down and living up to expectations that have been thrust upon them. They feel miserable about having to live a dual life and some cannot seem to get past these feelings. Young men and women of color have more concerns to deal with because they have different concepts about masculinity and have a belief within their culture that being gay or different automatically makes then effeminate. This is not necessarily true, but within their culture a different divide exist from that of caucasians. It seems that culture and society paints the picture of gay men to be girlish, effeminate, and gives the impression that a gay person cannot be masculine what I term unclockable, which just means that other people would never suspect them of being gay. As someone who has dated a lot of men of color I can tell you that most of them don't consider themselves to be totally gay at all, they would rather label themselves as bisexual. Though in most cases they refer to themselves as heterosexual even though they are fooling around with a gay or bisexual. Hence the evolution of the Down Low phenomena.
Hell to almost everyone I have ever encountered the tale of coming out has always been one of great fear and dread. Everyone fears the reprisal of those they know and how they will react to the knowledge of their true sexual preference. Often times this fear is a motivator for a person to keep potential partners at an arms length and give others the impression that they don't know what they want and that they are searching for something. At one point I used to call this phase a persons slut phase. Where experimentation and the changing of partners seems almost like a weekly event. When I was growing up we jokingly referred to those we were dating as the flavor of the week. At some points in my life I changed my boyfriends almost as fast as I changed my hair color and I can tell you that was often, because I grew up in the 80's and was very much into the club and bar scene even though I was often underage.
I am here to tell you that every gay man and women goes through the terror of coming out. There is nothing that I know of that is going to alleviate the feeling of exposure and the terror you are not going to be accepted and that you are going to be rejected by family and friends. The fear is so powerful and gripping that you will do anything to keep from being exposed. But I can tell you that no matter what you think, it is much easier than you imagine, and another thing is this no matter what you think after the initial reaction people are going to come around. You are going to find that once you have come out the stress of living a double life and keeping all those lies in place that a sense of completion and wholeness will envelope over you. You are going to find others that know what you are going through and can and will sympathize with you. Remember, we have all been through it and we have survived. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but trust me you are going to find that you want to out yourself before someone else inadvertently does it for you. I also have to tell you that your mother knows already, and though she may be hurt, angry and react badly at first, she is going to be the first to come around and accept you for who you are. There is a biological connection with your mother, that you don't readily have with your father, and trust me telling your father is probably the hardest thing you will do.
Here is the reason for the reaction you experience, I can tell you that any type of bad news, injury, illness triggers the same response in everyone. These are the 4 stages of grief and as with everything else in life people have to deal with them in their time and way. But trust me everyone goes through them and guess what it doesn't matter what age or what the situation turns out to be. The first response is going to be denial. For some reason they cannot believe that it is true, and they will not talk about it or address the situation, in the hopes that it will go away. Further, they may even suggest that there is something wrong with you, that you are going through a phase and that it will pass. But, for them it is actually a form of wishful thinking and away to avoid the feeling of guilt. The second phase is Anger, now this anger may seem directed at you, but in truth it is turned inward. Parents automatically assume that they are responsible, that they did something wrong, or that something forced you to this situation. Trust me this is probably the hardest stage of the process you are going to have to endure. The third stage is depression, and guess what both of you are going to experience this. Unfortunately, the guilt of their anger and denial are going to force you to second guess yourself and try to once again hide who you really are. This of course is a natural response, yet it is difficult to endure and sometimes climb out of. But, you know who you are and what makes you happy, and you need to remain true to yourself and not let their concerns weigh you down. The final stages are acceptance and hope. Now, I am going to tell you that even when you get to these stages there are so many thoughts and concerns that are running through your parents and friends heads, and there is going to be a fair amount of worry that goes along with it. But you will see that everyone that loves you and cares about you is going to come around, it takes time and patience on your part and understanding of what a person goes through. Remember even as others are going through these phases you yourself are going to experience them as well.
You might wonder if it is worth all the pain and hurt that you are going to go through, but believe me it definitely is. Because once you have come out, you are going to feel a heavy weight lifted from you, you are going to feel complete, you are going to feel relief that you no longer have to hide who you are. Now, when most people get to this stage they really let their hair down and go wild and crazy. I guess it is part of the process itself because you act outrageous, get bold and daring and try things you have never done before because you are released from the fear that has been griping you. Again, as I have pointed out this is a natural thing to do. But, a word of caution here, your parents and friends have every right to be concerned for you, and your safety. Even though times have changed quite a bit since the time I came out, the world is still a violent place, and there are still bigots and haters in the world that are going to try and steal your joy and hurt you. Plus, relationships all end in pain of some kind no matter how long they last. Further, there are terrible illnesses out there that you can be exposed to. When I came out there was no real knowledge or understanding about AIDS and HIV, and I lost a lot of good friends to the disease in the 80's and early 90's. Now, I don't want this to frighten you and discourage you from being yourself and discovering who you are and what you can be in the world. Today, HIV is no longer a death sentence like it used to be, with proper care and treatment you can live 30 to 40 years of a normal life, and new treatments are being developed every day. I believe that in your lifetime a cure might actually be found and the disease eradicated once and for all.
I want you to be courageous and adventurous, explore your sexuality and have fun doing it. Find others like yourself that have similar interests and be yourself and honest about what you are feeling. Take the time to really explore your feelings and be sure that you express them often. Make sure that you don't hold them in and hide them, because you are going to have problems later on in life if you don't figure out how to express yourself and communicate how you feel to others as well as yourself. I am not going to tell you that being in the LGBT community and lifestyle is going to be easy, or that you aren't going to experience hardships. Because let me be totally honest, same sex relationships are much more difficult then other relationships. The reason for this is because you have all the normal problems and pressures of relationships you also have the sensor of societal norms, which is just a way of saying that everyone expects you to be "straight". As I have said there have been great strides since I came out in the early 80's till now, but there are still the religious bigots and others that are going to tell you that you are wrong, that what you feel is wrong, there are going to be others that criticize you and tell you that you are sick. Then on top of those you have other considerations and persecutions to rise above. Especially if you are like me and get involved in a interracial relationship.
I will talk more about relationships and interracial relationship in greater detail in another blog entry. This one entry is an attempt to expose the fears and lies that are keeping you in hiding, denying yourself the way you truly feel. It is my hope that those who read this can understand what is going to happen when they come out and that it will make it easier for them to make the transition. I mentioned earlier the topic of bisexuality, and that is another blog topic that I am going to explore in the future. It is important for you to come to terms with your own feelings and desires, and to be honest to yourself and those that care about you and you them. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, that you are not going to feel pain making this transition, or that you aren't going to run into opposition. What I want you to understand in the long run, when all is said and done, you are going to feel so much better, and feel a sense of relief that is so profound and comforting.
Please keep in mind that at first you may lose some friends, there are going to be a few that will never be able to wrap their mind around your sexuality, they are going to think that you made a choice, or that something outside of your life cause you to act that way. In most cases the ones that are truly your friend are going to come to terms with it and come back into your life. The ones that don't and ridicule and make fun of you, cut them loose, they are not truly friends and they honestly aren't looking out for you or even really care about you, they are around you for some other type of reason or hidden agenda. So if they leave you haven't lost much at all anyway. Once you have come out a whole new world opens up for you, and you are going to learn and experience things you never dreamed of. Trust me you are going to develop an extended family, there are going to people you are going to grow to call your Gay Dad, Gay Mom, you are going to have gay brothers and sisters, even nephews and so forth. Your life is going to become very interesting and rewarding.
I need to warn you though about drama, it is very prevalent in the gay community and at times you are going to run into those that live for drama and love to stir it up. These end up being trouble makers and usually are very unhappy and lonely, the strive to make everyone around them as unhappy as they are. They hate to see you having fun and enjoying yourself, they try and sabotage every friendship and relationship that might threaten what they perceive as their place and standing in your life. Trust me when I tell you are going to get to a point in your life when you are not going to want to have these types of people in your life and the stress that they bring and keep fluent in your life. Eventually, you are going to want to live in a drama free zone. But when and how that comes about is as different as the individuals that are involved. Trust me it may be fun and entertaining at first, but it quickly will become a drain and full of stress, that you can avoid and do without in your daily life.
Let me fill you in on my story, give you some idea of how things could go and how it all turned out. It is amazing how perceptive some people can be, and the ones that love and care about you the most are most likely the first to know your secret. I know this to be true because honestly my dad's mom knew before everyone else. Now, I was very open about my sexuality my senior year in high school to everyone except my parents. Like I described above I was totally terrified about coming out to my parents. Now, I will be honest my parents had to know, but they were deep in denial, my parents were going through a lot of their own issues and fighting and if you ask my family were really abusive to me and my brother. However, in my sophomore year me and a couple of neighbor kids were caught by one of their fathers and my parents were told, of course trying to preserve my secret I lied about everything and I assumed that they bought the lie. I know for a fact that the other two lied to their parents as well. How I know this one of them became my boyfriend and we were together off and on through high school and six years of my navy life. I guess to be really honest we fooled around for several years after I got out of the Navy.
For a year I was stationed at the Naval shipyard in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I would spend as much time with my grandmother's as I could. Shortly before my dad's mother died she told me that I was a special and loving person and that I needed to live my life to the fullest and make myself happy, that she knew how special I was and that she loved me all the more for it. Never to let anyone tell me that my feelings were not normal or that I was different because I wasn't and that above all things she loved me and accepted me for the person I was and who I would become. Now, this was very emotional and moving for me because I had never confided in her or told her about my preferences before this. I am so thankful that I had a couple more months to spend with her before she died. It was her wisdom and insight that kept me going when things turned bad, and when I finally told my parents and how their reaction went. My mother screamed at me, pulled an earring out of my ear, and told me that her father told her but she never believed him. My father, wouldn't talk to me and for the entire time I was home on leave, which thank God was only two weeks, life at home was unbearable. Every time my mother would get mad at me she would swear and through stuff up in my face, at one point she even told me "How can you defend that person against me I am your family and the only relation to you is your blood on their dick." Now this was vile and offensive too me because I wasn't actually taking anyone's side in the fight, but this is how my mother lashed out at me, she used words and guilt as weapons and waged war pretty unfairly. She has since come around and believe it or not is my best friend and number 1 fan.
Honestly gay life is not for the faint of heart, or someone who is not strong. You are going to face challenges and situations that are going to test you, but like the old saying goes "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me it is true. Some of us are not cut out for the gay life and they live in denial and fear, they even get married to hide their attraction to same sex partners, some can live with it, others can't and step out on the sly behind their families back. Some get the courage later in life to come clean and end up hurting others, mainly their wives and children. My first serious relationship that I had was in the Navy. Beside the guy that I was fooling around off and on through high school because in his mind he wasn't like me and couldn't love me and be with me in the open. However when I was in the navy, I met someone shortly after I graduated boot camp, he was in the same barracks and A school that I was in in Great Lakes. His name was Karl Kevala, and I fell hard for him, we dated for quite a while when we were in the Chicago area. He took me home to Maryland and I met his family, including his sister who I stayed friends with for years. He graduated from school before I did and was sent to his ship and we lost touch for a little while, but he stumbled back into my life a couple of years later and though at first he was with someone else, we eventually got back together, and because of this I applied to go to the same C school as him. We dated the entire time he was there and we even went back to visit with his family. But once again he was sent to the fleet, unfortunately when that happened my dad's mother died and I was devastated and before I knew it I was diagnosed with cancer and discharged. Now the plan was that Karl and I were going to go to Italy together and be stationed with one another this never happened. We lost touch, and I believe it wasn't till February of 2007 that I was able to get in touch with him again.
I am a little fuzzy on the year but I remember that he called me back on February 14th, which was Valentine's day, only to tell me that he had gotten married two years before to a woman, that knew his past and accepted him. He then asked me if I was sure I was gay, that he never really felt comfortable being identified as gay. He did clarify and tell me that he did not regret the time we were together and that he cared for me, but his wife wouldn't understand if he stayed in contact with someone he was involved with in the past. He asked me not to contact him anymore and for the most part I have respected those wishes and have left him alone. To the point when I was letting everyone one know about my health condition and was preparing for the major surgeries that were so dangerous and there was a great chance that I wasn't going to make it, I didn't call him and let him know what was going on. I figured he had his life now and he didn't care if I was going to die, so I left him in peace. I am sure if something would have happened to me, my mother would have contacted him to let him know. Because he was a big part of my life, and my first true love. When I got out of the Navy in 1992 I met a man named Michael and we were together till he died in 1996, he accepted me and gave me the moral support that I needed till my parents came around. It didn't hurt that he was rich and owned one of the biggest gay bars in Orlando, and he loved me.
Fear is a powerful motivator, and it can paralyze you and keep you from acting. But it can drive you to be secretive, deceitful and lie to yourself and everyone around you. Coming out is never easy, but honestly it isn't as hard as you might think, and you can do it. When you finally do you are going to be amazed at how scared you were for absolutely no reason whatsoever. As I am fond of telling you time and distance heals all wounds, and perceived hurts. I am not a big fan of the DL culture, I have met so many young black men that are fooling themselves, claiming to be straight and yet are what I call gay for pay. Trust me if you have an act of same sex sex, you are either bisexual or gay. Time will help you decide, and you need to be absolutely honest with yourself and your partners. Talk to them, tell them what you like and what you don't. If you prefer not to label yourself till you know exactly what your feelings and emotions are telling you is absolutely acceptable, however it is important that you search inside of you and be honest about what attracts you, what you like and go from there.
No matter where you are at in the process remember everyone of us, your friends and peers has come through the same situation as you are going through. Find someone you are comfortable with and talk to them, listen to their experiences and what happened when they came out. Surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with and build a support network, confide in them your fears and your thoughts, you will be surprised to find that many of the fears you have they have had in the past and have confronted them, and have won.
It is important to confront your fears head on and do what you feel in your heart is right and feels good to you. Remember no one can tell you if what you are doing, feeling or thinking is right or wrong, because every situation is as unique as the individuals involved. But lean on your network and draw the strength you need to make the right move. Nothing is ever really set in stone and if you like Karl change your mind years later so be it. There is someone out there for everyone. A person that completes you and makes you whole. If you let fear keep you from exploring and finding that person you are going to miss so much, and probably end up making yourself feel very miserable in the process. Coming out is a liberating process which can only serve to help you grow and mature, and feel more comfortable with yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Trying to make sense a senseless tragedy
As the aftermath of the senseless shooting in Colorado settles down the media and the rest of us reel trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy. We look for answers to the question, "What could have motivated and educated and smart, young man to do such a thing?" I don't think we are ever going to figure out fully what motivated him or even drove this person do this. I am not sure even he knows, one station said that James Holmes claimed he was the Joker when he was being arrested.
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, July 12, 2012
So What? Who Cares? Get over it and move on!
It occurred to me yesterday that sometimes people hold a grudge, when an issue comes up they just cannot seem to let it go. I am serious, why hold a grudge? What does it accomplish? It keeps you angry and focused on whatever you perceive is an injury, insult or problem. Hasn't it ever occurred to you that you cannot change the past, what is done, is done! No matter how you try or how much you wish you could change it, the fact still remains: it happened and it is over, nothing you say or do can change that fact. No amount of rationalization, kidding yourself or even trying to convince others, of your point of view, the situation is going to remain the same. If you run around looking for someone to blame, what are you accomplishing? What you are actually doing is rubbing salt into an open wound, you are stirring up conflict and trouble and keeping the issue alive.
In simple wound care if you don't cleanse the wound and let it begin the healing process do you know what happens? I will tell you, an infection, and what happens when you get an infection, the whole body becomes endangered of becoming ill and possibly dying. The same is true with all other types of wounds. If you don't let them be, and you keep picking at them, they are going to get infected. When that happens the whole body becomes ill and in danger of weakening. A grudge, or perceived wrong, hurt of injury is also a type of wound. This is a wound to the spirit, and if you don't let it be, if you keep it alive, talking about it, moping, whining or even holding a grudge doesn't let the injury heal. Infection is inevitable and will surely invade every aspect of your life. Anger and hatred is the infection I am talking about in this case. Every relationship and aspect of your life will be colored and affected by this hatred and anger.
As I said earlier, there is no amount of talking or wheedling that is going to change the past, once something happens, it is done and cannot be undone. What I would like you to try and remember is that everybody makes mistakes, there is none of us perfect, and if we are expecting perfection we are going to be disappointed time after time and are not going to have any type of satisfying relationship. You cannot change the past, but you can and should learn from your mistakes. In my experience the only way we can truly learn and make changes in our life is to make mistakes and feel pain. Now I know life isn't fair and no one ever promised you a bed of roses. But what I do know is that we have many opportunities to turn things around. To make amends for the wrongs that we have done, and a lovely thing called karma evens the playing field for everyone. Have you ever hear the saying "What comes around, goes around"? Well that is karma in a nutshell, I find it best that if you live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" it helps eliminate the pain and retribution of karma.
One thing you might not understand is that anger is an emotion that is more detrimental to you than any other. Anger can keep you locked into a rut and a pattern of behavior that is self-defeating. But if you keep in mind that each of us is only human, and that we all make mistakes, and learn to forgive the endless cycle can be broken. In my Facebook post I stated that to "err is human, to forgive divine and we all could stand to be a little more divine." I meant that, a grudge or anger at someone that has hurt you accomplishes nothing, if you forgive them and move on you are helping yourself and you are grounding out the negative emotion of anger and hatred and moving forward. Now, when talking about forgiving someone means just that, you let go of the hurt and you move forward, I am not saying forget, my advice here is to never forget, but to move on, trust is a commodity that can and must be earned.
I know when you are hurt and betrayed by someone that the trust you once had with that person is shredded and torn. If you always keep in mind what they had done in the past and be wary of it, you can ensure that it doesn't happen again. I honestly don't expect you to blindly trust that person again, and I would encourage you to make them work to earn your trust again. I promise you it is not going to be easy at all and depending upon the hurt you have sustained may take a lot of time till you are ready to do this. But the old adage "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is telling you exactly how to handle this type of hurt. I honestly know how hard it is to do what I am telling you to do. I have been there and in this type of situation many times. However, I am the type of person who gets mad for about 15 minutes of time, and when I have something to say I say it and get it out. Once it is out I am fine and I return to business as normal like nothing ever happened. Many people don't understand this, they cannot understand how or why I can do this. But no matter what happens I cannot stay angry for any length of time, and I have a very unique way of always looking for the good in every person and forgiving the bad, because I honestly believe that all people are basically good and they only do what they have too to survive. If I get hurt it is only because I was in the way of their plans or a hindrance of some kind.
No matter how much you care, or want to help others, you cannot help everyone, and you have to be careful because there are those out there that are going to use your kindness as a weakness and use it against you. There are those out there who are going to use you and get all they can out of you all the while proclaiming they are your friends. This is what I call a frienemy, they can be anyone, and they are around you always. You can find out more about them in my blog entry about frienemies...
So, here is the bottom line of what I am trying to tell you. Live your life for yourself. Make sure you do for you. Because you are the only one in most occasions that has your own best interests at heart. You may be lucky and find some one you can be with that shares common goals and dreams with you. Someone that is going to watch your back and protect you. However, in all honesty that is very rare, and super hard to find. If you do find someone like that I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life. Life is short, we all make mistakes, we are all prey to human nature and we will all follow what we know. Live each day like it is your last one. Take each moment and wring the most out of it, because we are not guaranteed another day. Celebrate living and life, and thank God each morning that you are alive to face another day. Keep in mind that each day is a new day, a clean slate if you will, there are no mistakes in it. So go out and screw it up and have some fun doing. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. When things get tough, turn that frown upside down and find something in it that is funny. Joke about the heavy things and make them lite, and be awed by the beauty and wonder that surrounds you. But most of all shrug off everything and keep on saying, "SO WHAT, WHO CARES? GET OVER IT!" Trust me when you can do that you will have a fruitful and happy existence, and the little things won't matter so much, and you will find that the large things start to take care of themselves, and all it takes is just a little attitude adjustment and the ability to smile. Because if you don't let things get to you, you won't be weighed down with them.
So please take my advice, it is freely given, and something so very easy to accomplish. Life is way to short to carry around grudges, resentments and hatred. There is so much out there to love and behold and do. So if you live every moment like it is your last one, and you practice my motto, you will see that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things, because. SHIT JUST HAPPENS, and I honestly believe that Whatever is supposed to be will always find a way to happen. It is all up to us and how we look at it. Remember, we are not judge by how we fall or fail, but by how we handle that setback and defeat with grace, talent and ingenuity. Trust me the world will be a much better place and easier to live in if you can just remember my simple little phrase, So what, who cares? Get over it and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
In simple wound care if you don't cleanse the wound and let it begin the healing process do you know what happens? I will tell you, an infection, and what happens when you get an infection, the whole body becomes endangered of becoming ill and possibly dying. The same is true with all other types of wounds. If you don't let them be, and you keep picking at them, they are going to get infected. When that happens the whole body becomes ill and in danger of weakening. A grudge, or perceived wrong, hurt of injury is also a type of wound. This is a wound to the spirit, and if you don't let it be, if you keep it alive, talking about it, moping, whining or even holding a grudge doesn't let the injury heal. Infection is inevitable and will surely invade every aspect of your life. Anger and hatred is the infection I am talking about in this case. Every relationship and aspect of your life will be colored and affected by this hatred and anger.
As I said earlier, there is no amount of talking or wheedling that is going to change the past, once something happens, it is done and cannot be undone. What I would like you to try and remember is that everybody makes mistakes, there is none of us perfect, and if we are expecting perfection we are going to be disappointed time after time and are not going to have any type of satisfying relationship. You cannot change the past, but you can and should learn from your mistakes. In my experience the only way we can truly learn and make changes in our life is to make mistakes and feel pain. Now I know life isn't fair and no one ever promised you a bed of roses. But what I do know is that we have many opportunities to turn things around. To make amends for the wrongs that we have done, and a lovely thing called karma evens the playing field for everyone. Have you ever hear the saying "What comes around, goes around"? Well that is karma in a nutshell, I find it best that if you live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" it helps eliminate the pain and retribution of karma.
One thing you might not understand is that anger is an emotion that is more detrimental to you than any other. Anger can keep you locked into a rut and a pattern of behavior that is self-defeating. But if you keep in mind that each of us is only human, and that we all make mistakes, and learn to forgive the endless cycle can be broken. In my Facebook post I stated that to "err is human, to forgive divine and we all could stand to be a little more divine." I meant that, a grudge or anger at someone that has hurt you accomplishes nothing, if you forgive them and move on you are helping yourself and you are grounding out the negative emotion of anger and hatred and moving forward. Now, when talking about forgiving someone means just that, you let go of the hurt and you move forward, I am not saying forget, my advice here is to never forget, but to move on, trust is a commodity that can and must be earned.
I know when you are hurt and betrayed by someone that the trust you once had with that person is shredded and torn. If you always keep in mind what they had done in the past and be wary of it, you can ensure that it doesn't happen again. I honestly don't expect you to blindly trust that person again, and I would encourage you to make them work to earn your trust again. I promise you it is not going to be easy at all and depending upon the hurt you have sustained may take a lot of time till you are ready to do this. But the old adage "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is telling you exactly how to handle this type of hurt. I honestly know how hard it is to do what I am telling you to do. I have been there and in this type of situation many times. However, I am the type of person who gets mad for about 15 minutes of time, and when I have something to say I say it and get it out. Once it is out I am fine and I return to business as normal like nothing ever happened. Many people don't understand this, they cannot understand how or why I can do this. But no matter what happens I cannot stay angry for any length of time, and I have a very unique way of always looking for the good in every person and forgiving the bad, because I honestly believe that all people are basically good and they only do what they have too to survive. If I get hurt it is only because I was in the way of their plans or a hindrance of some kind.
No matter how much you care, or want to help others, you cannot help everyone, and you have to be careful because there are those out there that are going to use your kindness as a weakness and use it against you. There are those out there who are going to use you and get all they can out of you all the while proclaiming they are your friends. This is what I call a frienemy, they can be anyone, and they are around you always. You can find out more about them in my blog entry about frienemies...
So, here is the bottom line of what I am trying to tell you. Live your life for yourself. Make sure you do for you. Because you are the only one in most occasions that has your own best interests at heart. You may be lucky and find some one you can be with that shares common goals and dreams with you. Someone that is going to watch your back and protect you. However, in all honesty that is very rare, and super hard to find. If you do find someone like that I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life. Life is short, we all make mistakes, we are all prey to human nature and we will all follow what we know. Live each day like it is your last one. Take each moment and wring the most out of it, because we are not guaranteed another day. Celebrate living and life, and thank God each morning that you are alive to face another day. Keep in mind that each day is a new day, a clean slate if you will, there are no mistakes in it. So go out and screw it up and have some fun doing. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it and move on. When things get tough, turn that frown upside down and find something in it that is funny. Joke about the heavy things and make them lite, and be awed by the beauty and wonder that surrounds you. But most of all shrug off everything and keep on saying, "SO WHAT, WHO CARES? GET OVER IT!" Trust me when you can do that you will have a fruitful and happy existence, and the little things won't matter so much, and you will find that the large things start to take care of themselves, and all it takes is just a little attitude adjustment and the ability to smile. Because if you don't let things get to you, you won't be weighed down with them.
So please take my advice, it is freely given, and something so very easy to accomplish. Life is way to short to carry around grudges, resentments and hatred. There is so much out there to love and behold and do. So if you live every moment like it is your last one, and you practice my motto, you will see that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things, because. SHIT JUST HAPPENS, and I honestly believe that Whatever is supposed to be will always find a way to happen. It is all up to us and how we look at it. Remember, we are not judge by how we fall or fail, but by how we handle that setback and defeat with grace, talent and ingenuity. Trust me the world will be a much better place and easier to live in if you can just remember my simple little phrase, So what, who cares? Get over it and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Thursday, April 26, 2012
What is time?
Bare with me as I ramble on about my concept of time. You may not agree, but that is what a blog is for. Time is a man-made construct with which we govern our lives. We practice the solar calender currently, but there have been other calenders before the solar calender, like the Mayan calender and the lunar calender etc. But, what I want to focus on is the concept of time itself. Earliest mans concept of time was governed by the following of the migration patterns of the animals they hunted. They noted the season by the weather changes and climate shifts. Remember that most of the earliest civilizations were nomadic, they followed after their prey.
As with all things societies change, grow, advance, and develop. Man's society went from hunting and gathering to settling and growing. Villages began to be settled when the nomadic tribes realized that by staying in a central location and gathering together they could withstand the onslaught of wild beasts, other marauding peoples. By settling they also began to realize that they could plant what had been gathered and harvest the resulting crops. As villages became more established the passage of time began to noticed, first in the passage of the season, the phases of the moon, the changes of the weather patterns, and eventually the migration patterns of flocks and birds. Thus, came into being the first calenders. These calenders were kept by the village wiseman/woman it would mark the festival days, harvest days and other rituals that were common practice at the time.
But like it or not, time is something that man created to mark the passage of the sun through the heavens, the moon phases through the season, and even the weather changes of the yearly seasons. Time became important to the early religions, the oldest of our folklore and ingrained in our culture. As civilization advanced with the coming of the Sumerians and Egyptians, time became more important, it was also recorded for the first time in written history, and as humans our culture has propagated it continually forward.
But, time is not something that has a physical shape or form, yet it governs our very lives. We work by it, we eat, sleep and measure it with sophisticated devices. We have become enslaved to time. Time has become a ritual and a bad habit most people cannot avoid. Of course we know that in our current society that our time is governed by the earths rotation, it marks our days beginning and end and the passage of months is measured by our revolution around the sun .
So here it is my friends, we created time to help us, we relied on time to tell us when the changes of the seasons would occur, when to plant our crops and harvest their fruit. So how is it that we have become slaves to time. That we are driven by the fear of time, that goals and plans have to be governed by time. How is that time has become in a sense our master? Time is a man made tool and device that should be used as a guide. Not as a measure of our wealth or worth. Don't let time rule you..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
As with all things societies change, grow, advance, and develop. Man's society went from hunting and gathering to settling and growing. Villages began to be settled when the nomadic tribes realized that by staying in a central location and gathering together they could withstand the onslaught of wild beasts, other marauding peoples. By settling they also began to realize that they could plant what had been gathered and harvest the resulting crops. As villages became more established the passage of time began to noticed, first in the passage of the season, the phases of the moon, the changes of the weather patterns, and eventually the migration patterns of flocks and birds. Thus, came into being the first calenders. These calenders were kept by the village wiseman/woman it would mark the festival days, harvest days and other rituals that were common practice at the time.
But like it or not, time is something that man created to mark the passage of the sun through the heavens, the moon phases through the season, and even the weather changes of the yearly seasons. Time became important to the early religions, the oldest of our folklore and ingrained in our culture. As civilization advanced with the coming of the Sumerians and Egyptians, time became more important, it was also recorded for the first time in written history, and as humans our culture has propagated it continually forward.
But, time is not something that has a physical shape or form, yet it governs our very lives. We work by it, we eat, sleep and measure it with sophisticated devices. We have become enslaved to time. Time has become a ritual and a bad habit most people cannot avoid. Of course we know that in our current society that our time is governed by the earths rotation, it marks our days beginning and end and the passage of months is measured by our revolution around the sun .
So here it is my friends, we created time to help us, we relied on time to tell us when the changes of the seasons would occur, when to plant our crops and harvest their fruit. So how is it that we have become slaves to time. That we are driven by the fear of time, that goals and plans have to be governed by time. How is that time has become in a sense our master? Time is a man made tool and device that should be used as a guide. Not as a measure of our wealth or worth. Don't let time rule you..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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