Last night we were talking about relationships and the secrets to making them long lasting and workable. Yet, here is another insight that you need to consider when dealing with issues that arise in a relationship, and trust me they can be as many and varied as any other types of problems or issues. The secret here is that there is no predefined way to deal with them, the solutions are as varied as the issues themselves. Be flexible and think, because if you really try you will find that there are so many options and choices to deal with the issue. Don't always settle for the first thing that comes to mind, because you might end up regretting it later. Take the time to think outside of the box and look at the problem from all sides and angles. The best thing to do is divorce yourself from the problem and tackle it from a logical standpoint. You will be able to address the situation more effectively and efficiently if you come at it from a standpoint where your emotions are not involved. Take the time to distance yourself from the problem, search for the root cause and deal with that issue and then tackle the symptoms and ramifications afterward.
A line from one of my favorite movies is "A problem is not as permanent as the solution." For a long time I didn't understand what that meant, and took the easy way, or the path of least resistance and work to deal with the current issue not the underlying cause of the issue. So by ignoring the original problem and just putting out the fires that the issue caused, I was in effect treating the symptoms and not the root cause. This would be like a doctor throwing a bunch of antibiotics in your system to deal with an infection and not first finding out what type of infection it was and taking the time to find the right antibiotic to deal with the infection, just hoping to get lucky with the barrage of antibiotics hoping that at least one of them would do the trick. In the above example the doctor might get lucky and one will help, reduce the symptoms and might alleviate the problem for a little while, but if it wasn't the right one, and the root infection wasn't treated correctly or properly the chances are that once you stop taking them or run out of the antibiotics, the infection will come back stronger than ever. This type of hit and miss treatment is not good for your body, and you can start to build up a tolerance to the many different types of antibiotics. The same happens to you when you try to handle situations and problems the same way, you become immune to the solutions and the problems come back with a vengeance.
As I have told you there are as many ways to deal with a problem, issue or challenge as there are types of problems. You must use your head, separate yourself from the feelings associated with the issue, look at the situation from every possible angle, talk about the problem, get feedback from your partner and come up with a workable solution that not only addresses the symptoms but the actual root cause itself. Remember that two heads are better than one and brainstorm together, reach a compromise solution together, don't be afraid to try some unconventional solutions, be creative and inventive, and keep the level of communication open. The worst thing you can do is alienate your partner by trying to assign blame. Be adult enough to realize that the issue, situation and problem is affecting both of you, that no matter who is at fault it is going to take both of you working together to get yourself out of the messy situation. Keep in mind that what's done is done and cannot be undone. Assigning blame cannot benefit anyone and will actually probably cause more issues in the long run. If you work together peacefully and logically versus emotionally you might be surprised at how easy it was to deal with the issue.
The biggest issue that relationships face these days is the one dealing with money. There is never enough money to go around or the bills are coming in faster than the money to pay them, or some other type of variation. There are ways to deal with situations like this that will keep harmony in the house. Communication is key to dealing with this issue. You have to come at these types of situations analytically, removing the emotional feelings that are associated with it. You must keep from assigning blame, and work together to come up with a solution. One thing you might think about is setting aside specific credit cards or accounts for personal use, that each party is personally responsible for. Or some other compromising solution, it is okay to think abstractly and try many different types of solutions, work together to come up with a budget that you both can accept and continue to work at it. Remember that the problem didn't occur overnight that it took time to build up to become an issue or problem so it might take just awhile to resolve as well. Trust me when you take the time to handle things and deal with them permanently the better off you will be. Working together to deal with the issue is going to make your relationship that much stronger, both of you are going to feel an equal partnership and it is going to be rewarding that you have effectively dealt with it.
As I said when I started this entry there are no hard and fast rules that apply to handling situations that might crop up or occur, you have to deal with them individually, and you must take into account all the variables and aspects of the issue. Communication between you and your partner is vital, and working together to come up with a solution that is both attainable and agreeable is paramount. Making sure that assigning blame doesn't become an issue and make the situation worse is also key to ending up with favorable results. Money matters are always going to be a problem and they don't get easier, but you must maintain a strict discipline when dealing with them, acknowledge that both of you are at fault and work together to come up with the answer. As I said a solution is more permanent then the problem, try as many options as you can think of, work backward if you have too. Be patient and understand that it may take time and hard work to achieve the desired result, but in the end you will be glad you did.
If you read the earlier blog entry on making relationships work, I stress over and over again that you have to be flexible willing to change, adapt to new and arising situations, you have to talk to one another and come at the problem together, maybe even try coming at it from two different sides, whatever it takes to make the problem finally and totally disappear. Don't be afraid to compromise and think outside the box, be willing to take a risk and see if it won't pay off. Don't alienate yourself from your partner, and include them in the decision making process, make it both of your problems and both of you take total ownership for it and responsibility, because when you do both of you feel like you are invested and have some degree of control over it the happier you both will be.
I think you will find that when you work together, great things happen. When you talk about the issues and are genuine and matter of fact about both of your involvement, assigning blame becomes harder and almost impossible. You both will feel better, the stress will be less in your relationship and you will feel a sense of accomplishment that you haven't felt before. Don't hold grudges or use guilt as a weapon, and because you have separated your emotions and feelings from the situation you will find that it has become that much easier to talk about, tempers won't flair and things that are discussed and thought about in a calm relaxed way will have a greater tendency to work out faster and better than before.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label holding emotions in. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holding emotions in. Show all posts
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
What it takes to make any type of relationship work
The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard. Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time. The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth. Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships. I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise. Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.
There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part. I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship. This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you. I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are. But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily. Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding. Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.
Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better. Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier. Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there. I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask. This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.
So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time. I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta. He also came up there and we went to school together. So it has been a long time. But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day. But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result? Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you. You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back. This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.
Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal. In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever. But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from. It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you. Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work. Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel. You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt. They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.
How did you get that way? I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations. You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't. When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there. Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer. I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship. So, it can work just like I said. The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.
The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them. If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again. For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better. The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion. We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place. We ended up throwing it all away.
The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above. Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.
So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together. We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together. That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust. That they are open and communicative with one another. That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again. We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person. We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another. That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners. That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.
It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside. You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around. You have to live in the present, let go of the past. Why would you want to cling to it anyway? It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway. If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories". Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does. But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel. Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel. This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger. Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.
Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding. One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.
As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work. What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart. I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again. But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times. When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous. Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.
The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship. This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship. When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same. There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it. The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another. Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part. I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship. This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you. I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are. But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily. Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding. Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.
Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better. Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier. Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there. I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask. This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.
So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time. I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta. He also came up there and we went to school together. So it has been a long time. But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day. But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result? Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you. You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back. This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.
Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal. In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever. But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from. It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you. Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work. Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel. You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt. They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.
How did you get that way? I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations. You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't. When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there. Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer. I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship. So, it can work just like I said. The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.
The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them. If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again. For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better. The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion. We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place. We ended up throwing it all away.
The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above. Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.
So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together. We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together. That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust. That they are open and communicative with one another. That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again. We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person. We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another. That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners. That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.
It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside. You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around. You have to live in the present, let go of the past. Why would you want to cling to it anyway? It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway. If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories". Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does. But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel. Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel. This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger. Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.
Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding. One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.
As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work. What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart. I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again. But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times. When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous. Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.
The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship. This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship. When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same. There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it. The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another. Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, July 13, 2012
Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody.
When you hold in your emotions, and keep them bottled up inside of yourself, you are doing harm to yourself and sooner or later you are going to blow up at someone. In fact, you are going to blow up and hurt someone, and it isn't going to be the person who hurt you or caused you the pain. When you cannot express how you feel to others and are closed off, you have a tendency to become too serious about everything around you. The littlest things bother you and before you know it you snap and will feel bad that it happened. I do know what I am talking about, because I have lived this way most of my life. I held everything in and bottled up inside of me, and I have snapped so many times on the wrong person and felt really bad after it happened.
I personally still have problem letting out feelings of hurt and anger, but I am working on it, daily I might add. I don't want to ruin any more relationships or hurt anyone else in the process of my own growth and development. For years and years I have held in my love, hate, pain, anger, and it has cost me much. I hate confrontation, but I refuse to let my feelings be trampled on by anyone ever again. If I am hurt I will tell you about it and you are just going to have to deal with it. Because you know what I don't stay angry long and when I get it out of my system, it is done and over with.
Take it from me if you can start talking about your emotions and how you feel with those that are closest too you. There will definitely be less stress in your life, your relationships will go smoother and those around you will know where they stand with you. It is important for you to let those you care about know how you feel. Let them know daily that you love them and cherish them, do not go to bed angry, don't keep your feelings locked inside. Because if you do, there is a good chance that they might not truly know or understand how you feel about them and you could loose them.
Another, problem with holding in emotion, is that it will make you bitter, you will always seem angry to others, and they will tend to shy away from you. If you don't want to be alone, you are going to have to find away to open up to others and uncork those emotions you keep bottled up inside of you. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn how to do this.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I personally still have problem letting out feelings of hurt and anger, but I am working on it, daily I might add. I don't want to ruin any more relationships or hurt anyone else in the process of my own growth and development. For years and years I have held in my love, hate, pain, anger, and it has cost me much. I hate confrontation, but I refuse to let my feelings be trampled on by anyone ever again. If I am hurt I will tell you about it and you are just going to have to deal with it. Because you know what I don't stay angry long and when I get it out of my system, it is done and over with.
Take it from me if you can start talking about your emotions and how you feel with those that are closest too you. There will definitely be less stress in your life, your relationships will go smoother and those around you will know where they stand with you. It is important for you to let those you care about know how you feel. Let them know daily that you love them and cherish them, do not go to bed angry, don't keep your feelings locked inside. Because if you do, there is a good chance that they might not truly know or understand how you feel about them and you could loose them.
Another, problem with holding in emotion, is that it will make you bitter, you will always seem angry to others, and they will tend to shy away from you. If you don't want to be alone, you are going to have to find away to open up to others and uncork those emotions you keep bottled up inside of you. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn how to do this.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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