Marching Onward with Time

You cannot hold back the hands of time, they march ever onward never stopping. Seconds turn to Minutes, Minutes to Hours, Hours to Days, Days to Weeks and Weeks turn to Months, Months to Years.

Everything has a progression there is no stopping the ticking of the clock, the hour hand moves inevitably towards tomorrow.  Nothing can last against it's angry sway.  Even month move into seasons and seasons into years and then starts all over again.  It is an endless cycle that has no end.  

No matter what you do the human body cannot fight against time, and aging takes place. Though it's passage is slow the evidence becomes apparent soon enough first comes the roll, then the wrinkles, the hair thins and grays, the lines deepen around the eyes.  Nothing prepares us for this eternal march.

Life is full of events that make up episodes and those episodes play out into the span of months and years nothing changes the fact that time doesn't slow down not even a fraction, no matter what you do or try.  Nothing has any permanence anymore, everything is made to break down and be replaced this is what the world has devolved to in the modern age.

But with every invention that eases the burdens of man, time is the great equalizer making all things the same. equal. No one can run the race against time and win, because the body will give out way before the clock on the wall stops its ever onward rotation.  We have trained ourselves to celebrate these passing years as a type of victory, that marks the year of our birth.  Nothing can take that away from us that small victory that we celebrate with each passing year of life.

Judge not what others do for they are playing out their own version of the same story that you are in. Though the characters change everyone of is fraught with a multitude of issues, everyone has them no one is exempt from them.  How we deal with them and move forward is what defines us.  But in the case of time, our bodies slow and break down but in most cases the mind stays nimble and alert.  Looking out for familiar patterns and doing things that make our world unique and our own. Stop for a moment and look at the world around us and see what is taking place around you and you will be amazed at how other's lives parallel yours.  No one is exempt from the tolling bell and we will all succumb to the numb darkness of death in our own time.

Nothing tells us the day or the hour in which we will pass from this world to the next but you can be assured that the clock on the wall is keeping track of every second that you remain in this plane. Nothing can change the fact that even though time was created by man to help them navigate the daily rotation of the sun around the earth it also helps us measure the path that we take daily.  We use it to govern our lives and we come close to worshiping it.  Because we each have things that we need to accomplish during certain parts of the day.  

Years treat each person differently and nothing stays the same forever, each of us is just going through time floating like a ship adrift on the sea.  There is no compass to guide us just the rotation of the hand against our brains.  We have ingrained upon ourselves the necessity to abide by time and therefore it controls almost every aspect of our lives. We punch a clock when we work, we go to sleep at a certain time, get up and start it all over again.  This is not how it is supposed to be. But we are human and need guidelines and rules to keep us going at a steady pace so that each day is fulfilled to the fullest, or that is what the majority of humanity thinks.

I don't care what anyone else thinks or believes, because no matter what the march of time might have done to me I am still here chugging along, and yes I am 50 now, but I still feel like I am in my 30's. Yes I have a few more aches and pains then I used to but guess what I don't look anywhere near my age and I am still able to get out and do all that I need to to get through the day, I don't have to punch a time clock and I still survive. I do things when the time is appropriate for me and not for others.  I try to abide by the structure so that I can make to appointments and stuff like that but I will tell you other than that time hold real no meaning for me in this life anymore. Each day is a challenge and I start them all the same as a brand new slate with nothing etched in it and I can screw it up anyway that I want and I am content to live like that.  

Dimly I am aware that time passes and I acknowledge that passing with a glance and a move forward, because with each new down is a world that is open to interpretation and new mysteries and adventures are to be had. I am not locked into a single way of life and I keep surprising myself with all that I get done in a single day. How is time treating you and how well are you holding up under the pressure of age?

Let me know I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Time Progression

Time marches swiftly on and waits for no one.  Hours turn to days, days into months, and months into years.  Nights blend to days as the earth travels around the sun, those months turn to seasons and the seasons mark the year. Nothing can bind the hands of time.  Like a tightly wound spring our lives slowly wind down as the second hand ticks around the clock. Life has a limited amount of a lotted time. Like a grandfather clock that is wound daily and eventually winds down so does the body wind down.  Wrinkles, gray hair and other signs are developed and shows the passage of time.

Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go.  Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain.  I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.

I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me.  Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has.  I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.

When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things.  My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly.  Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye,  and what have I accomplished?  What is the mark that I leave upon this world?

It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone.  Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart.  I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity.  It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.

I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity.  I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won.  Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.

I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am.  I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things.  One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend.  Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me.  I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.

Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one.  I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything.  I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith.  This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.

Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time.  It is late in my life that I have come to this.  I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs.  I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career.  I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you.  I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired.  I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.

Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn.  Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning.  I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way.  I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way.  Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn.  There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.

I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time.  Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay.  For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain.  I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again.  I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting.  I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations.  Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.

As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend.  I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way.  I hope that you see me in each new day.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Borrowed Time

Every day that I draw a breath I am living on borrowed time. I was diagnosed with large cell lymphoma in 1992. I was told that I had eighteen months to live, that by the time I was diagnosed the cancer was in stage four and that even with extensive chemotherapy and radiation the  outlook was grim.

The truth of the matter is that I got better with the treatment and went seven years without a recurrence of the cancer. Yet, the next time cancer reared it's head it was in the form of polyps in my large intestines. I had them removed and was healthy for several more years.  Then in December of 2004 portions of my large intestines suffered damage from the initial radiation that I was treated with in '92. January of 2005 I was given my first colostomy and would go through series after series of bowel resections and abdominal surgeries. Finally in the fall of 2007 my worst fears came to life and the colostomy was turned into an ileostomy and would have to remain in place for the rest of my life.

Again, the doctor's and staff thought that I wouldn't make it through all of this and predicted that I would get seriously ill and pass by Christmas of 2007. Yet once again their predictions were far off the mark. It was December 6, 2007 that I found out that I had contracted the HIV virus and diagnosed as positive. The doctor's fearing that because my immune system was suppressed due to the cancer thought that the virus would spread through my body like wildfire and would soon kill me. So I was put on a strict and powerful regimen immediately.

No one could have guessed that in five short years that these same drugs would irrevocably damage my kidneys and I would end up eventually with kidney cancer.  Since 2011, I have had kidney stones and bladder infections as well as two bowel resections, and an aneurysm. Then in March of 2012, I was told that not only did I have leukemia (large cell lymphoma is considered a form of) I was also suffering from radiation enteritis (disease) which is acting like cancer eating up my pelvic organs. I was also told that the radiation perforated the bowel wall in '92 and had made my pelvis very porous and weakened the walls of my colon and made them thin like tissue paper.

So you can see that I know a little bit about living on borrowed time. One thing I have done in this entry is gloss over a lot of my illnesses and just hit the pertinent information. Just know that today I am facing and dealing with 6 terminal illnesses . 

So, from '92 till now everyday has been a gift from God and gives me something to give thanks about daily. I am about to head to Gainesville, to have the latest tumor removed​ from my body through surgery. Funny when I was diagnosed with kidney cancer I was told 6-12 months were all that I had left. Once again medical science is wrong on this account. My doctor assures me that I am going to come through this surgery and that they would be able to get all the cancer and I should expect a full recovery.

Living on borrowed time is something that not everyone gets. It is a blessing that I have been granted and a luxury that I have been able to enjoy. I am still here 25 years after the first occurrence of cancer. It was not something that I had planned or envisioned, but I am thankful for each and every day.  I had never imagined that I would survive this long. Nor, could I have imagined that 25 years later I would have 6 terminal illnesses and have another surgery looming over my head.

Living each day to the fullest and staying in the moment is the only way to enjoy the precious gift that God has granted us. So, if you are like me and living on borrowed time. Make the best of your situation, share your life lessons with those around you and make everyday worth living. I embrace my illness and I use my life as an example for others so that they might benefit from my experience.

I love you all and wish you only the best​. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I have surgery on March 28th.  God bless you all.

As always Live well, Love much, and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Time and place

When you have reached the fill of bullshit that others throw your way you are going to change major components of your life. This may entail changing your venue and restarting your life over again or simply adjusting the current way you are living.

This prospect is usually unappealing and daunting, but trust me there may come a time and place where this may be the only available option. Each of us have different breaking points just like each of us has different levels of patience and when that runs out tester beware because the resulting explosion may actually take their head off. It is never fun or pleasant to see someone reach their wits end not is it fun to be the recipient of of such a cataclysm.

Life presents each of us with challenges and problems in which we must strive to overcome. We may not know the first steps we have to take, we may even be blindsided by these issues, just know that everything in time has an ending. Nothing lasts forever and all issues seek their own resolution in their own time. Though we may not know the correct actions to take each problem will present it's own resolution in time, be patient and trust that God has you and will carry you through.

I don't know what my point of no return is, and I hope that I am never pushed that far. I am patient and try to be understanding in all things that deal with others. Though I will admit that there are times when my buttons are pushed and my patience is tried, especially lately, my​ health is steadily decreasing due to the advancing of cancer throughout my body and those around me seek to undermine me and test the limits of my nature.

On March 28th I will be heading to Gainesville, FL where at Shand's Hospital they will be operating on me to remove a portion of my right Kidney. To some this might be a routine operation, but for someone like me that has had so many abdominal surgeries in the past this is going to be a tricky procedure. One in which my doctor's feel that I will be successful and recover from. Though, I have my misgivings about such risky surgery since I have suffered near death on a few occasions.

Yet, for all things there is a time and a place. I am reminded of something that I once told you about how it is not the ending of the road but the path we take that creates the character and strength of who we become. We are all works in progress and the journey is what molds and shapes us. Fate and Destiny work hand in hand to bring us to the exact place we are supposed to be at exactly the right time. You will see that no matter the path that you choose you are going to reach the exact spot you were meant to be, at exactly the precise time. This is just one of the immutable facts of cyclical living. Our lives are a basis of cycle and circles, think about it this way everything has a way of coming back around. What's​old will come back in fashion, when one relationship ends another begins and so forth. Life is a series of circles​and cycles.

So, as this time of surgery and recovery looms near, I know that it is but for a mere fraction of time and then I will be on to face something else just as harrowing as this, though if luck holds maybe not as adruous or hard. But again only time will tell.  I just keep firmly entrenched in my mind that "This too shall pass" and remember that nothing lasts longer than it is supposed to. Because everything has it's own time and place.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

It all comes down to timing

I know that you have heard the old saying "timing is everything", and I would have to agree. See no matter what decision you make or path that you take is governed by timing. Let's look at it a little more closely and I think you might begin to see what I am talking about and where I am coming from.

For example you choose to start a new business venture, three months after you started your new enterprise the county decided that the road in front of your business needs to be torn up and redone. Had you wait just 6 months longer to open up this construction wouldn't have disturbed your business in the slightest and might have already been completed. Yet, you didn't wait and getting to your place becomes a nightmare and business drops to almost zero. Now, if you can afford a setback like that the timing of your opening may not have caused any concerns. But, if you are like most of us these delays could bankrupt your business.

Another example could be of being at the right place at just the right time. In this scenario your timing was on point and you benefitted from it. However, the inverse could also invariably be true as well in the wrong place at the wrong time and inevitably you end up in a non beneficial situation or worse. You could end up finding yourself much worse off then you might have otherwise been.

Timing has relative meaning to each one of us. The perfect time for you might be an adverse time for someone else. Each decision that you find yourself faced with you have to weigh not only the potential gains but the losses as well. There isn't a standard that you can use for every decision, each must be weighed carefully by the pros and cons that you can see visibly, and gains and losses that could be received if conditions and timing are right. This is what loss mitigation is all about.

But, as most of are far from perfect and we tend to suffer from impatience, we end up rushing our decision making process without really assessing the risks involved and therefore end up choosing the wrong timing altogether. I recommend wholeheartedly to look at every decision from every angle you can possibly think of, do a full risk assessment and make as educated decision as possible. Your timing might not be perfect, but it probably could have been a lot worse if you didn't take the time to weigh out everything as thoroughly as possible.

Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect moment, that you have to take time and create each moment as they come to you and make them as perfect and memorable as you can. Weigh every single option you are presented with for each and every decision to figure out the optimal timing for everything.

Trust me no one gets it right every single time. However, by taking the time and researching every angle you might find yourself in a pretty good situation most of the time. Honestly friends timing is everything, and can mean the most towards your happiness.  It is never to late to start assessing your life, situation and decisions. I think once you do you will find that you have more control and flexibility towards the outcomes that come your way.

Sit back and reflect on this I think if you put your mind too it you can see where I am coming from.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

When time stands still

Years ago I talked to you about time. How I believe that time is a man made device that regulates our lives and makes us into a frenzied mess. However yesterday I was thinking about certain times that time seems to stand still for us under certain circumstances.

For those who are incarcerated time takes on a different meaning. While you are in jail time becomes leaden and flows at a much slower pace. While in jail life continues on the outside at a regular normal pace.

Another time that time seems to take on a different feel and flow is when you move to a new place or state. With that change comes a new feel of anticipation as you explore your new surroundings. I would suppose any type of travel would tend to elicit a similar type of feeling.

Separation from loved ones effects both our feelings of loneliness and our longing for the parting to end. Time feels like it literally comes to a halt. Hospitalizations often feels like you are locked up in jail though the circumstances are definitely different in just about every single way imaginable.

As I have gotten older the fluid March of time hasn't increased but days, weeks, months and even years seem to fly by faster now than they ever did when I was younger. It also seems like I could fit more into my day back then better than I can now.

So if time which is measured by ticks on a clock how does this feeling of acceleration actually take place. Possibly it is through the lenses in which we view time from or just the perspective we look at our life by.  Or even better yet time could be limited by our focus and attention span.

I believe that our mind is what perceives the flow of time and time itself actually never changes. If you don't believe me think long and hard on this. Or just wait a few years and you will be surprised at what you might feel then.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much, Laugh often.

Uncle B

The Time Has Come

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing spoken here
can make this clear
Body lies in shock and fear
have heard the message dear
that the time is near or should say that it's here

Cause in the morning I will see the sun
Oh the day has just begun
The darkness of the night has been swept aside
The sun is full of life and cheer
so sweep away the dread my dear
The time is here
Its bright outside.

Be happy and merry
there's no time to terry
tick tock goes the clock on the wall
tick tock can't you here it's call
It's spring beckoning to summer's call
winters dread has lost its thrawl

In the light you see it clear
Nothing last forever
be merry and full of good cheer
Except for happy ever after
Nothing last forever.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Don't let earthly things give you pain
Face each dawn with a smile
Don't give in to stress or strain
just laugh and give that extra mile.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I have seen it all
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock be brave and tall
Tick tock you will survive through all.

Nothing last forever
except for ever after
so treat each trial with a smile and laughter.

Timing really is everything

You don't know how many times I shake my head in disbelief as I let opportunity and change slip through my fingers.  Now, today I am sitting here thinking about timing and just how important it really is in our lives.  How many times have you missed opportunities or relationships because your time is not the same as the other persons?  I know that this has happened too me so many times in my life and I have grown accustomed to settling for what has been left once that moment has passed. I couldn't have imagined a year ago that I would be a this place in my life, relying on others for help, rides and favors.  Even if I had, there have been so many things that I could have done had I just been careful and aware of my timing.

Today, I tried to get a dentist appointment rescheduled for several reasons, one because I have just gotten out of the hospital, two I really don't have transportation necessary to get to the appointment and three that asking my father for a ride has become very difficult.  When I called the dentist she told me that because funding was about to go away at the end of the month this appointment was really necessary if I wanted to get the work done that I need and have been approved for.  Once again that thing called timing.

I was speaking to an ex last night who has remained a very close friend of mine ever since we broke up.  He is moving to Philadelphia over the weekend and it troubled me.  See, I had come from Atlanta because my health was bottoming out and everyone thought that I was going to die.  But, when I got here I got better and pushed myself to get up on my feet and on my own.  I asked him then to come to Florida and begin again, but he wasn't really ready, and he kept putting it off.  Nearly two years went by and he finally had made a decision that it was time for him to change and get away from Atlanta, I had just gone through a very tough break up and ended up loosing my place to stay at this exact same time.  I thought we could figure it out and get a place together, but my health became a huge issue. It had been the start of the osteomylitis and the fracturing of my spine, and because I was back home at my parents house and had no place for him he ended up leaving and going to Jacksonville.  I ended up in a nursing home and then bounced around till I finally landed where I am at.  Our timing still way off from each other.  As I am writing this and thinking about what I am going through now, I wish things were different.  I really wanted him to come down here and at least be here while I go through these difficult health issues, but in a way that is totally unfair to him.  I need to do it for myself and maybe by myself.

I think about things that are going on in my daily life and I am not happy, I know that the person who is living with me is just here maybe in a way because he wants to be, but also due to circumstances and that isn't anyway to go forward.  I do dread being alone and being isolated.  In all honestly I have never lived alone before and I am not sure that I even know how.  I know that I need to sit down and talk with the person who is living with me now and changes need to happen.  But I am not sure what I really want nor do I have any real clue what he wants.  I just know that because of the tumor, life is going to get very difficult for me all over again.    I am not the most trusting soul in the world and I have pretty much no friends here in the Daytona Beach area.

Some people have uncanny timing and seem to glide through life effortlessly, I know that it is all a matter of perspective, but things seem to happen naturally for them.  I seem to never see the big picture until the time to act has passed.  In love and in life timing makes a big difference and impacts our daily lives in entirely different ways.  If you connect with some and they with you I suggest that no matter what is going on in your life, world or existence you owe it to yourself and them to explore it to the fullest.  Life is short and you don't want to live with regrets. Take stock of your situation and reach out to those you hold dear, and let them know it.  Don't use the excuse that the time is just not right, because if you don't act at that moment you may have lost it forever.   I am a big believer that we can create perfect moments for ourselves so we need use that ability to our advantage.

I can still remember when Bobby and I first met, we had just gotten off the train and were waiting for a bus to pull in to the station and take us where we needed to go.  We hit it off, found out that we had mutual likes and a definite attraction for one another.  He was homeless and I was just about to lose the place that I was living in, despite everything we managed to come together.  He kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship that he had nothing to offer.  But the truth was we had one another and that was enough. Somehow we made it work and were together for 6 months or so before we let petty things get in the way such as drugs, addiction and a host of other things.  Since, that time we have never gotten back in sync and it seems that maybe our time will not ever come again.  Since, I am staying in Florida at least for a while and he is off to Pennsylvania at the beginning of the week.  Yet, somehow I have don't believe that never is an option, and I know that we will always be close friends.

I have to admit that I am lost right now, drifting on the waves of uncertainty and I don't know what to do to get my head on right.  Friends keep moving away or even dying and I wish that I had some people closer to me and who I could possibly talk to about the way that I am feeling, but unfortunately I don't. So I am at the hands of fate right now as I await the results of the biopsies and wonder which way I should look or turn too.  I have been in this location for 6 months and I am not happy, I feel isolated, lonely and afraid.  Where do I go?  Where should I turn?  I know that I am truly never alone that God is with me and has me in His hands but I spent much of the day home alone and been thinking and I know that change has got to come.  Though my days of adventure might be over for now, what should I do?

Any ideas?  Let me know,

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wow i have been living in it!

It is funny because someone asked me yesterday why it seems that I keep going back? Back to Atlanta, back to ex-boyfriends, back to people who hurt me?  You know I didn't have an answer ready for that question. As a matter of fact I didn't sleep much last night at all because my mind kept mulling over that question. No matter what I did or tried to do, I couldn't get my mind to shut off at all and so I laid in bed and I thought and I thought.  This was  a troubling thought because I had just written an entry about letting go and leaving it alone.  But the hours wore on and still no answer came to me.  It wasn't until I was in the shower that I heard the answer to my unspoken request.  It is funny that when God chooses to answer you it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing.  So I was in the shower washing my hair when I heard the answer like someone was there talking to me.

Some of you have known me since high school, others from just out of school, others more recently, then there are the people that have never met me except through my blog.  I may never get to meet some of you, and others I have, but the long and the short of it is I have been living in fear. That is right I have been letting FEAR hold me back and not let me move totally forward like I should have been doing.  See the fear of rejection has had me captive, my body and my mind have been willing participants in this war of attrition that I am apparently losing.  I have written to you before about my inner feelings and how I felt that my life as a gay man was over.  I now had scars both internal and external. I had the colostomy bags and stomas to contend with as well as trying to figure out a way to hide the colostomy bag that I now have to wear constantly. Fear can keep you locked firmly in one place if you let it. Which apparently I have done for years and didn't even knowing that I was doing it. I knew that I didn't like them and it took a long time to come to accept that they were now a part of my daily life and I would have it always and forever.

Not only were the bags the thing that was holding me back but my mind played into that battle as well. I had to come to accept myself all the changes in all, before I could hope to have someone else find me attractive.  But I have finally come to grips with both my illness as well.  See, I don't believe that an individual has the ability to change, I believe that we adapt and grow to accept certain things, but I don't think we change at all. The core being of who you are remains intact and only the barest of outside changes to the eyes of others.  I call this evolving.  We adapt and change to the environment we are in so that we can survive and make the most of what we have at our disposal.

It has just been in the past few days that I have become comfortable with myself and the bags that I can talk about them freely, I can now educate others on them and how to use them.  Before I would hide them any way. I would put them under ace bandages and clothing, so no one could see them if they looked at me.  But the excess of clothing and the ace bandage made me sweat in the Florida heat, and for no good reason as I would sweat the adhesive on the bag would start to come off.  Also if I showered and didn't dry the adhesive quite thoroughly with a hair dryer it would also start to come off of my skin.  But, now that I have come to grips with my situation and have realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do about the condition.  I can tell you about it and show you but it is the one thing that is keeping me alive and well at the moment, and I believe that it is important for me to continue doing that since I believe that God still has some more for me to do.

So what am I talking about?  I am telling you that I couldn't move forward, I was stuck and kept looking backward.  I know that I have been telling all of you that you can't move forward if your eyes are constantly looking backward, and you also can't move forward if you are carrying the baggage of the past with you.  I did not realize that I was always looking backward till a friend of mine pointed it out.  So just like the entry that I wrote to you the other day that sometimes we don't know what we have and it has been there all the time and right under our nose.  Here I was doing what I was telling you not too and the answer has always been right there under my nose.

Fear can paralyze you and keep you from taking a step forward or backward.  You become motionless and nothing you do will allow you to move from that exact spot.  So my fear of rejection and acceptance because of the colostomy bag and the scars that I have on my chest, may be real, but it is something that I can let go of.  I have come to accept me for me, and I don't really care what other people have to say about what I have been through.  I swear that I have taken the blinders off of my eyes and I have stopped looking downward, and I see so many things now that I never saw before.  But beyond all of that I have come to realize that my friend was right and I have been hiding and craving the past to return. However, the problems that caused you and your ex to break up are still going to be there. So it never works out exactly as planned. I am no longer afraid, and I have decided to put my heart and my life back out there and see what happens.

I had told my best friend that I have given up on love, and I am just looking for a companion that I can go to the movies with and who wants to hang out with me.  I have grown and my knowledge has increased and with that I think that I can move on and finally leave the past exactly where it belongs in the past.

As always my hopes and dreams are going to have to take the backseat as I start chemotherapy on April 10, 2015.  I hope you will you will read and get it right from the beginning. Please don't make the same mistakes I have made. Look around you the person you are looking for is right there in front of you. Neither one of you may even be aware of it.  But sooner later the love that you feel will be get stronger and before you know it will be in full bloom.

My concerns are real, the gay community is all about the looks, and guess what I don't have them anymore since of all the surgeries.  I know that I probably will never find someone that would be able to accept me for me and look beyond the illness's and scars that I have. But I am content in the knowledge that I have had it, been it and done it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Follow up on Aging

I know I just wrote about how aging really isn't all it is cracked up to be.  I was talking with my nephew earlier today and I was explaining to him that I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast, but I could remember everything that has happened in my past.  Even he agreed that it was hard to believe that so much time had gone by.  See, him and I went to Pennsylvania to help my mother take care of our adopted grandmother.  It is hard to believe that 5 years have gone by now.  To me it seems like it was just yesterday that we were up there.  I can remember the snow, the cold and driving my mom and her to doctors appointments.  How we would go to New York to go to the mall because that was the closest place to where my mother lived.

It is funny I was one of those people that never got sick when I was younger, and was serving in the U.S. Navy.   However, I wasn't even out of the Navy for four months when I was diagnosed with stage 4 large cell lymphoma.  Since that time my health has declined steadily over the years.  I had never had to take pills before, and now I am taking 23 in the morning and 20 at night.  It is awful having to fill up the pill box every week with all those pills. Not to mention having to take them daily.

My best friend and I also spoke tonight and he said something that caught my attention and made me think.  He said that he sees more now than he did when he was in his 20's. I think that is true, that our experiences and journey have enabled us to gather enough knowledge to finally understand what really is happening around us.  Another thing that I realized is that all the stuff that my mother scolded me about when I was growing up. The very things she told me would happen and when in my 20's I didn't believe her, I practically ignored her.  But guess what, as I got older and experienced more of life, it became clear that she was telling me the truth and was trying to save me from pain and hurt.  Too bad I didn't listen and follow her advice and instructions. See I was stubborn and had to find out the hard way.  I had to experience everything for myself, go through it and experience it for myself.

It doesn't matter who you are or what your status in life is, you are going to face the challenge of aging.  You are going to feel things that you never felt before, have pains in places that never hurt before.  Muscle mass will start to decline, and your bone density will also start to deteriorate.  Honestly the body starts to slow down and break down.  Your joints might start to hurt because you have developed arthritis.  You also start forgetting and losing memories, your concentration weakens, etc.

The one thing that remains constant is that your hindsight becomes 20/20 and you can remember stuff that you did and experienced from your past. You know exactly where you have been, you can see clearly the path you have taken.  What you can't see is what the future holds for you.  You might be able to make an educated guess by observing your past patterns.  Each of us functions in patterns and habits, so you can probably predict what and where you are going based on your past actions.  But keep in mind that the future is not set in stone, you can change your destiny by breaking your patterns or even changing your habits.

Life wears us down, our bodies slow down as we age, and our cells just can't repair all the damage that life and age has done to our bodies.  One minute you are healthy and young, and the next thing you know you blink and you are middle aged.  Close your eyes again and time will have continued and you are now old.  Our minds don't age as fast as our bodies do, like I explained in my article about Aging that I wrote a day or so ago.  Keep in mind that as you age time seems to speed up. Maybe it is because your body is slowing down. Or it just might be our perspective and how are brains receive and process things.

But the cold hard truth is that time speeds up, the body slows down, as your body starts falling apart.  I encourage you to live your life in the moment and experience life, taste the flavors, and textures of the world around you.  No matter what your age is, there is always more that you can experience and learn.  Make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak.  Take one day at a time and remember that nobody is perfect, we are just a work in progress that continues to learn and grow every day.

Getting older is no phone for anyone.  It sometimes take a toll on your body, sometimes not.  There is no discerning of illness, it can strike anyone at any time.  Take me for example I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 when I was diagnosed with cancer and told that I only had eighteen months to live.  I never thought I would see 40, but I have and I am still going.  Be who yourself and experience life's daily miracles and watch what you eat, exercise and maybe you will stay healthy your entire life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Holding patterns

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough.  That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change.  You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new.  But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all.  There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit.  Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that.  See most of  you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues.  At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments.  To just say enough is enough!

You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone.  I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take???  The answer is a lot!  I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die.  That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it.  So once again into the fray I go.  But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done.  If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life.  Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up.  Yet, here we are,  there is still more too come, but I am ready for it.  The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.

I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that.  See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself.  Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern.  It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them.  There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat.  But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.

Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year.  There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed.  Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have.  I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body.  Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.

I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand.  Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe.  Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress.  So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be.  So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.

So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on.  That is what has happened to me.  Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The One That Got Away!

 Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past, as my birthday neared, I took the time to stop and wonder what if? What might have been?  What would be different? Plus a whole host of other questions that we are not supposed to ask ourselves.  It has been my experience that the more we look back and ask these questions, the further it takes us from moving forward to the next phase of our lives.  But sometimes circumstances arise that cause us to look at the past from a different perspective, see things a bit differently.  See it is my contention that one reason why people tend to hold on to the past so tightly is because they glamorize what had happened, time and distance have lessened the pain, and we look backward with fondness.  This makes it that much harder to accept the present, and the hardships that we are facing currently.  We see that our problems are insurmountable and that we can't possibly over come them.  It is our past that keeps us firmly rooted in place.  The future is hard to imagine and if we can't see past our present problems how do we think that we can ever make it through to the future.  Honestly, it is that type of thinking that will lead you back to the What if's, the Could have been's and all the other questions.

Each of us has had relationships in the past, but for some reason we have a tendency to compare our current relationship to those that have come before it.  As I said we glamorize it and make it out to be better than it was.  What we must keep in mind is that no two individuals are ever alike, and that in similar circumstances those same two people are going to react and handle the situation in a totally different manner.  Now, what some of you may not realize, is that by constantly comparing your current to the past, it is keeping you from accepting the new relationship as it is being presented to you and you are alienating your current from committing to you, because they don't honestly think that they can compete or compare to your ex.  So what tends to happen is that you end up pushing that person away, they are disillusioned from constantly hearing about your past and how perfect your relationship was.   When the truth of the matter is that if your relationship from the past was so great then answer me this, why aren't you still with that person in the first place. What you have to remember is that the problems you faced and caused you to break up are still there, they haven't changed or gone away, you just don't feel the intense emotional and physical pain that you did when you were with that person.

I am sure some of you have found that out. You have gone back to the ex, and had expected that the person and the situation had changed, but the truth of the matter was the original reason why you two broke up is still there and will come back.  All those petty annoyances that if taken individually would be acceptable, but when added together become something altogether different.  See, each of those petty annoyances added together become a huge problem and you find that you cannot overcome it.  Therefore the relationship once again suffers and you end up breaking up all over again.  But what about the one that you didn't give the chance too? The one that you pushed away with your constant comparisons? What about him or her?  Are you willing to go back and admit that you were wrong, that you were sorry that you didn't give them a chance or do you just walk away and try all over again?  If you are like me in most cases you would walk away and try again, but what if you find out that the one that you let go, is the one that you really want, that they are the perfect compliment to you? What would you do then?  Well, again, if you are like me you would do anything in your power to try and get back the one that got away.

Sometimes that isn't possible, sometimes there are circumstances and situations that are beyond your control.  Other times it may not be the right time for the two of your to be together, so you have to wait.  I have told one of my ex's that our story is not yet over, and I mean that with all of my heart.  I think that somewhere in the future there is going to be a perfect time and place that is meant for just us and in that moment we will be united and get back together.   Though as I have grown and matured, I have started to doubt that! We had our moment, and though there is some connection still between us and feelings that have not yet been resolved, we have proved that we can be great friends.  See it has been a long while since we were together, and we did spend three years as a couple and during that time we both made some very bad mistakes, but at the end of it all we have come back together as friends.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I still love and care for him, I just am not sure that we will ever get back together.  See, God has a funny way of making things like this work out in our daily lives. What if when I told him that our story wasn't finished, meant that the rest of our story was to be as best friends versus lovers?  See, whatever the case maybe he has moved on and so have I.

I am not sure what the future holds for us right now, he is very ill and so am I.  So does that mean that one day we are destined to be together again as boyfriends and lovers?  Or does it mean that we are going to always be close friends and care about each other till the day we die?  I can't answer those questions, but I do know that no matter what happens in my life or where I go from here, he will always be a part of me.  The time that we spent together cannot be replaced by anyone and no one can take away the memories and adventures that we faced and overcame together.  So what does this mean for my current relationship?  Well, it means that I am not going to change anything, or spare my feelings, that I am not going to compare the two together because they are totally different.  But it also means is that if my current and my ex can't get along then maybe they need to come to some sort of compromise for my sake.  See the person that I am with now, was the person that I let get away from me once in the past, and though my feelings for him are very strong, I am beginning to understand that the person that I once knew may not be the person I am with today.  See, just as I have grown and matured so has he, and the changes have been dramatic.

I cannot see the future, I do not pretend to know the Mind of God, and I wouldn't want to even if I could know.  See, half of the fun of a relationship is the melding of the two individuals into a whole unit, it is the discovery and getting to know one another in a more intimate level that adds mystery and suspense to the equation and keeps us wanting to explore and learn more.  Now, if at the end of my discovery phase I find that I cannot accept all of the things my partner does, I will at least have formed a lasting bond that will last till the end of my days.  See, I know that I love the person I am with, but I also know that there are somethings that he does and has done that are not to my liking or taste, and if I am wanting to be with him, I have to come to grips with that and accept them as face value or I have to walk away.  Believe it or not I am not sure which takes the stronger person, to accept, or walk away.  What I do know is that as you grow and mature, and so do they, if your progress isn't on the same lines, then you might have to walk away, I wouldn't want you to compromise your morals or scruples just to stay with someone.

Now with that being said let me talk a little more about why I started mulling over the past as my birthday approached.  See, it has become evident that though the partner I am with has told me the words, and has made promises, I am not 100 percent sure that he is keeping them or his promises.  See, I know how hard it is to break free from addiction and a certain phone conversation brought home the point to me very well.  He isn't at the same point I am emotionally or physically, he is still wanting to reach back into the past and do what we had promised each other we wouldn't.  Now this is frightening to me, because he told me that he was past all of that, that he wasn't sleeping with  others or doing drugs and here I find out that he might be anyway.  His family certainly seems to think so, and then there are the days that go by when I can't reach him on the phone, his refusal to let anyone know that he is with me or dating me.  On the list goes.  See with my ex it was never an issue, he had no problem letting others know that we were together, and there really were no secrets between us, and I am afraid that I have walked right into a trap.  That the cute words, the platitudes of love, are just that. So maybe the one that I let get away should have stayed away.

But the real reason why I have been thinking about those questions and words, is because I am getting older, I am no longer going to find it easy to find someone that can and will accept me with my limitations and physical deformities.  Life just isn't as fair as it should be when it comes to love and relationships in the gay community.  So, what if what I think is a relationship is nothing more than someone playing on my insecurities, and here I have taken what was said at face value and plunged right in headfirst.  I have told you before that we truly never really know what is going on in the minds of others and that there is no way we can read their thoughts and know what is actually going on.  So what I have been doing is looking at the past relationship that I was comfortable with that ended because of circumstances beyond my control and the one that I am currently in. I am doing what I told you not to do.  I am comparing them, and trying to see if there is a pattern here that I should be aware of.  Amazingly, I have to stick with my original assessment, though I love my ex very much, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance that him and I will get back together, and though I know that my current is out there doing whatever it is that he is doing, I have to trust that he is not lying to me and feeding me a bunch of lies to get to his own end.

So do me and yourself a favor, take the chance and the risk of going back after the one that you let get away.  Who knows you may find yourself in a loving and productive relationship that makes you feel secure and safe.  You owe it to yourself to take the chance, find out once and for all.  Because you want to know something, whatever is lost can be found again and that also includes love! So, if like me you are going through it and aren't sure what the outcome is going to be, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you gave it a try and if it works great and if it doesn't "Oh Well"  life goes on and you can try it again.  Keep in mind that when you do go back, and if you cannot get past those things that caused you to break up in the first place that your relationship is going to be doomed to fail just as it did before.  However, if you are truly willing to work and come to concessions and compromise on those things, maybe coming back together isn't so impossible after all.  But you do owe it to yourself to see if the one that you let get away wasn't the one you were supposed to be with.  You might just be surprised, they could be the one, or prove to you that the one in your past was the one.  Only you can decide.

Now if you have gotten through all of this you might see the pattern of my thoughts as they emerged in this writing. See, my thoughts are cyclical here.  I started out with my thought, went to the one that got away and eventually came back to the one that you left.  So what is the right answer, only you can tell, but if you don't try you will never know for sure and those doubts might come back to bite you one day.  I know that Sterling and I will always be friends, and I know by now that he knows where he stands in my heart and my life.  But I also know that I am willing to give Kerry a chance and see what turns out to be the future, either he is telling the truth and really wants to be with me or he doesn't and time will be the deciding factor in this.

I keep telling you that time is short and you never know where you are going to end up or how much time you are going to have. So you owe it to yourself to try and find love, and be happy.  You are the only one with the power to make you happy, so explore every relationship and learn, live and experience.  Because when you finally do find your soul-mate you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Risks must be mitigated in order for you to profit in love or life

Surely you know that in order to succeed at life you have to take some risks.  The important thing to remember is that whenever you invest your money, time, or love, you need be extremely careful.  Just like a business who is about to invest money they run a risk analysis.  This means that take a careful look at the risks to the business plan to see what their potential losses might be.  They balance the risks against the projected return on investment to see if the return justifies taking the risk.  In our personal lives we must do the same thing on a much smaller scale.  Before you invest your money or heart in anyone you need to be sure of the motives fit in line with your personal goals.  Look closely at what your potential return on investment might be.  If you believe the risks are acceptable then by all means move forward.

What I am trying to say is this.  If you honestly care about someone and you feel that their feelings for you are genuine then look at the risks involved with that relationship.  You may find them acceptable at the time.  But it is also important to reevaluate your relationship as time moves on because the risks, consequences and circumstances might have changed.  In my own personal life I can tell you that when I met Joe I was living in Orlando with my brother and a good friend Stewart.  Joe and I hit it off right away, and we spent the first two weeks of our relationship together almost inseparable. After that we kept talking and before I knew it my lease term was ending at my apartment and I had a choice to transfer my apartment lease to Atlanta so that Joe and I could be with each other.  Which at the time the risk was minimal, though I was investing my heart into someone that I had just met recently.  Now, I will never tell you that I made a mistake when I did this, but I didn't take into account that I would be leaving my job behind and I would have to find work in a new city.  Luckily, it didn't take me long at all to find work because I was with a temporary agency.  My move turned out to be a good thing for me, before I knew it Joe and I were buying a house together and our lives were off and running.  The relationship lasted for 12 years, however around year 7 things started getting out of control, we were fighting all the time and drugs had entered the picture and the actual dynamic of the relationship began to turn. He wanted to explore his sexuality and experiment doing different things. I had already been down this road during my first relationship and was extremely hesitant.  This became a bone of major contentment and at that point in my life I should have reevaluated and did another risk assessment and return on investment. If I would have done that I would have saved Joe and I, five more years of turmoil and fighting, which became both mental and physical.

As people our goals and moods can change over time, if you are in a relationship you need to make sure that the goals that you have as a couple mesh well.  Individual goals need to intertwine with the couple goals, if they don't you are going to drift apart and the relationship will self destruct.  Now, I can tell you how devastating that can be after investing so much time with someone and how hard it is to pull yourself back together.  When something like this happens in your life because you didn't mitigate the risks, which basically means you need to seriously look at them, identify them and do something about them.  By mitigating the risks you can save yourself endless hours of pain and misery.  Investing your heart into someone is a scary and exciting thing, but if not handled right you could open yourself up to hurt, disappointment and disillusionment.

Now, let me tell you a little about what is going on in my present relationship, and the risks that are involved with it.  As of tonight there have become some really hairy snags that are going to need to be addressed and fixed before one of us gets hurt.  Now, normally I am not a jealous person and I have been in sexual situations with my partner and other people in a group situation before.  As a matter of fact we went from a love triangle where I was in love with him and his partner, now keep in mind that I had encounters with his partner before they ever met, which sort of made the transition easy and bearable.  I got along with both, but that ended more than a year ago now.  Since then we have been trying to establish ourselves as a couple.  There are some things that are going on right now that are risky, things that I am not necessarily 100 percent comfortable with, and before I can proceed any further, I need to address these issues or take the risk of getting extremely hurt in the process.  Now, trust me I understand the motivations behind this and I understand the financial implications, but all afternoon I have been trying to establish that we need to be more private, that we need to keep others from being in our life and relationship, and now the door is opened for him to make some money using his body, and connections make things happen at the time frame of his choosing.  I applaud his herculean efforts, and I understand the sentiments.  But it gives me pause does he really understand what I mean when I say I don't want to get back into that life, that I want to stay as far away from it as possible and that I want to focus on my career and his?  I don't honestly believe so.

Keeping in mind that I promised I wouldn't get mad when he told me and I haven't, I am trying to work within the framework with the options he has given me, but I want to exclude myself from participating in the actual event.  Honestly, I would be perfectly happy with him doing his thing and then coming to see me, let him have his last fling and get it out of his system, if that is even possible. Because I walked away from that life, and I know that once I open that door back to that world I will be tempted beyond my ability to fight to keep from plunging back into that world.  Not saying there is anything wrong with that. Most of you that read my blog know exactly what I am talking about. You were there with me, and some of your are still there.  But for me with my health issues and new found liberty, I do not necessarily want to screw up where I am heading.  Please understand that I am not judging any of you.  The addictions and demons I fight are private and well documented in my blog.  My heart is at risk, what if I loose him to that world again, what if this time I am not strong enough to pull him back as I have done in the past.  I lost one person in my life to Meth and drugs/sex parties, I don't think I could do it again.  Here I am 4 1/2 years later, wondering am I doing the right thing again?

Time will of course answer that question for me.  I know that my own personal conviction is not strong enough nor do I think I could stand to see him in the situation that he described to me on the phone.  Yes, I love him with all my heart, but I am starting a new job. I have things going for me in my life that are important and I am passionate about. I don't want to jeopardize all that.  So after hearing the risks and assessing them as I have here, I have come to the mitigating part. I have told him to do his thing and that I will come and get him when all is done, bring him down and we can do our thing.  See a part of me doesn't want to see all the other people touching and messing with him. I have been there and done that. It is my turn to have him all to myself, so if this is the way feels it needs to be, then I am fine letting him do it and then pick it up afterwards.

Yes a part of me wants to be there, but will it be good for us? I don't think so, could it become a distraction? Could it be the beginning of a pattern that is bound to be repeated time and again? I sure the hell hope not, and yes it is definitely going to be a distraction.  Once the genie is out of the bottle I don't believe there will be a way to put her back inside again, and I am finally going to loose him once and for all. Because I cannot be what he wants in the end.  FEAR!

Life is full of risks, it is how we approach them, view them, and simply try to mitigate them that will help protect our investment in to each situation.  If the risk is greater than the potential return, then my advice to you is to leave it alone and move on. However, if you find the risk is at an acceptable tolerance, take the risk, get your return, but keep in mind constant observation and reevaluation is key to any successful venture.

I hope this make sense to you and that you can understand in a real sense that you need to be frugal with how you invest your time, money and love, they are not cheap commodities and are hard to replace once they have been poorly invested.  Stop and evaluate the situation, make the assessment I talked about and be totally honest with yourself. If you can accept the risks move forward, if not, then beware of them and move on.  As I am so fond of telling you life is short.  I told my Facebook family tonight just a little while ago, love can endure a lot of things like distance, trauma, drama, but it cannot endure betrayal and doubt.  Make sure you know yourself and your partner before you go down the road that I am sitting on tonight.  Because on one side is happiness and the other is a great big abyss, where will I eventually end up? Only God knows now.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A Tale of Longing

Have you ever had a longing you just couldn't fill?
Your heart so torn and broken
Your mind so stretched to the max of your will
So empty and alone searching for loves lost token.

Bitter nights and dreamless sleep
Waiting and wondering what  might be a head
Your feelings so raw your heart might weep
Could your mind let your heart be so misled?

Is someone out there looking to be found?
You look to your past for a clue
Never watching the path you carelessly abound
until you looked to the sky for a sign and knew.

You aren't where you wanted to go
But ended up where you needed to be.
Forlorn and alone how you longed to know
is true love waiting for you to finally see?

What is and was may never be,
Your heart truly was blind
One look one notice could have set them free
Because they knew one day you'd find

They were with you all the time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away

One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment.  If I were you I would truly savor the here and now.  That precious irreplaceable right then, this second.  That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night  with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again."  How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by?  How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them?  I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment.  It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me.  Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old.  These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.

I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart.  To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me.  Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in.  Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years.  Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other.  The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see.  I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by.  How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now!  We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone.  You can't change what you have done or where you have been.  But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life.  Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.

Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance.  It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way.  But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it.  Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late.  Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious.  Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."

Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel.  Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something.  Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life.  I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared.  Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together."  That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out.  Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone.  Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do?  Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?

"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us."  Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment.  This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history.  Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with  are fleeting, and if you aren't focused  and paying attention they will pass you by.

Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here.  For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment.  Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it.  Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done!  Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death.  Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me.  How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again.  Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me.  Just because I wanted him.  Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me.  He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me.  Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love.  Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.

Life is too short to face it all alone my friends.  Take a chance open your heart to love.  Promise me you will give it another try.  You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down.  Just get back up when it knocks you down."

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What would you do if you knew the world was ending?

I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth.  It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time.  I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction.  Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise.  I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.

For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed  for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come.  You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to  trying to make my end come forth.  I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk.  I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril.  See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction.  In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison.  I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep.  I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.

Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity.  See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die.  Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C.  I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C.  But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.

What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me.  I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was.  These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen.  People started looking at me with eyes of respect.  Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight.  What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in.  I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught.  So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad.  I told him about my health condition and the severity of it.  He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.

I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places.  I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here.  I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need.  So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity?  I know that I do.  I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease.  I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.

Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs.  It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles.  You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them.  Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine.  They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you.  Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier.  Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone.  Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point.  Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.

So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending?  I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was.  I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me.  Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today.  I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me.  I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me.  I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.

Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B