For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway. But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel. This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me. Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had. It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States. Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends. That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.
6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with. She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house. It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again. But as I was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them. There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom. We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures. A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again. That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.
But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me. I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from. I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays? I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.
This year I have something forward to look forward to. This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays. It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again. As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them. 2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season. This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.
Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together. We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends. I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again. My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart. He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together. We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken. Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.
I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids. That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together. It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now. But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together. No one knows! I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am. I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.
But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires. Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special. It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving. It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on. LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit. What word would you give it???
Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity. It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return. It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.
I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you? What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer? What are you expecting this holiday season? Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss? What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Monday, December 17, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2012
Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.
When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition. College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror. Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad. What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life. See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 30, 2012
HIV Facts...Educate yourself!
Some of you may know that I am working with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau in Daytona Beach, Florida. Trying to raise the awareness of HIV/AIDS within the community and trying to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that surround the disease by working on a play to be performed on World's AIDS Day.
And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:
1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons. Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out. Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3. 3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it. Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick. Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease. Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected. Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant. Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive. Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely. You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not. It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill. There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die. There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200. Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status. There are others like you, who are going through what you have. We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you. www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18. Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union. The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.
There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play. This play is about these things and so much more. I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions. It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease. I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner. No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it. We are still human after all. I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.
There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down. They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts. Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect. Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other. We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one. We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced. United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard. We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows. We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims. And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it. You are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light! Remember that EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:
1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons. Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out. Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3. 3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it. Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick. Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease. Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected. Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant. Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive. Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely. You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not. It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill. There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die. There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200. Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status. There are others like you, who are going through what you have. We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you. www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18. Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union. The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.
There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play. This play is about these things and so much more. I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions. It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease. I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner. No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it. We are still human after all. I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.
There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down. They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts. Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect. Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other. We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one. We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced. United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard. We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows. We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims. And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it. You are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light! Remember that EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau
For those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I am very candid and open about my life and the illnesses that are affecting me. Some of you maybe aware if you have been following my Facebook account that I dedicate an enormous amount of time to volunteer work. Recently, as I was attending the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning, I learned about an organization that reached out and spoke to me. During the meeting they had a Positive Champion perspective, which is a person infected with the disease that talks a little bit about their experience and the stigmas and fears that they faced when they found out. Now, honestly this hit me so close to home and it made me ask for more information about the group and what their mission was. Since that first meeting back in April, I have joined them in their cause.
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau is comprised of HIV-Positive individuals who have come together in a setting that feels like home. We talk about our experiences, what our fears are and were, the stigmas we faced and continue to face, and how HIV has affected our friends and community. We are a group that leans on and supports one another, and through our efforts we speak out to raise awareness of the disease, we seek to educate others about the issues of living with HIV/AIDS and we hope to end the myths and stigmas that surround it. Just like so many other illness, when you are told that you have HIV/AIDS, you immediately think that you are going to die, that your life is over, and you wonder how you are going to tell your friends and family what has happened to you. See in the community at large there seems to be this gulf that people assumes or hopes isolates them from it being their problem. Since it isn't directly affecting them, they feel safe, and don't bother to learn or understand the enormity of the scope of the disease. The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau hopes to put a face on the disease, to make individuals understand that it is a disease that doesn't care if you are gay, straight, a millionaire, a drug user, a housewife, a deacon in the church, a song writer, singer, or any other such thing. It can strike anyone anywhere.
Did you know that every 9 1/2 minutes someone in the U.S. is infected with HIV? And it is everyday people, your doctor, your lawyer, the school teacher, the lunch room lady, your neighbor, your child, or you yourself. It is a deadly disease, and their is a terrible shame that is associated with it and a guilt that is hard to fight. There are many ways in which you can catch the disease, but the most common are unprotected sex, IV drug use, having multiple sex partners, etc. There is a latency in which the virus can remain dormant for a number of years and creep up on you unaware. Take responsibility for your sexual actions and understand that even that one time could be the time you get it...that one time you didn't use protection is all it takes. Be sure to get tested regularly. Know your status! Trust me it is important, because there are people out there that felt fine, had no indication at all that they were Positive and when the test came back they were. You don't have to be sick or have symptoms to be infected. There is a myth that you have to be ill or in the hospital to be infected, but honestly it isn't true. I had no symptoms, I felt fine, was going for my annual physical with my oncologist and the normal battery of test were run, I decided that it had been 3 months since my last HIV test and it came back negative, that I didn't have anything to worry about so I asked my doctor to run a new one for me with my other tests. Two days later I was called into the office and told that I was Positive, and that they were going to run a phenotype and genotype to see what strand of the virus I had, but before I left his office he had made an appointment to see an infectious disease doctor the next morning. Now this was because of my medical history, I had been battling cancer and leukemia since 1992 and my immune system was already compromised, by the way this was in 2006. I was placed on a drug regimen even though they caught early on and I had less than 200,000 copies in my blood, and my t-cells were in 600's.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I want each of you to check out our website, it is located at http://www.positivechampions.org You will definitely find a lot of information on there, we dispel a lot of myths and stigmas and there are youtube videos that you can watch that will tell the story of some of our champion's. I want you to encourage you to come back often because each of the members will eventually have their stories up there. You can see our upcoming speaking events, you can even request to have a speaker come to your place of employment or your church or any other type of function and we would gladly schedule the event and speak to your group. If you would like to volunteer your time or know of someone that might be interested in joining us please feel free to get in contact with me or have them contact one of the members at the site. Honestly we are inclusive group we do not discriminate in any way, even if you aren't positive, but know someone who is, or have a loved one that is infected we invite you to join our group, because you are affected by the disease as much as the infected person. As I said the group is warm and inviting, it is friendly and open, we talk and listen to each other. We support one another, and for some of us this is our family, because for whatever reason our real family has declined to accept us, they cannot wrap their heads around the disease or get past the stigmas and myths that surround it.
No one is going to judge you here, we all have our own story, and I am sure you are going to hear it at one point or another. Even if you aren't a speaker we still ask you to come and join us, we will help you work with you, there are people that come in and give us training on public speaking and how to write a speech. This is an excellent opportunity to get involved and find a group that really does care about you. We know what you are going through and we are here to help and love and support you. We are each of us judged too often already by those around us, this is a place of warmth and safety where you can tell your story and share with others what you are going through. As you get comfortable, you will see how easy it becomes to talk to others about yourself and your experiences, it becomes easier and easier, almost second nature. Before you know it, you too are going to be a Positive Champion!
You can also see the Positive Champion Videos if you go to http://www.youtube.com and type in Positive Champions.
Our regular website is http://www.positivechampions.org/
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau is comprised of HIV-Positive individuals who have come together in a setting that feels like home. We talk about our experiences, what our fears are and were, the stigmas we faced and continue to face, and how HIV has affected our friends and community. We are a group that leans on and supports one another, and through our efforts we speak out to raise awareness of the disease, we seek to educate others about the issues of living with HIV/AIDS and we hope to end the myths and stigmas that surround it. Just like so many other illness, when you are told that you have HIV/AIDS, you immediately think that you are going to die, that your life is over, and you wonder how you are going to tell your friends and family what has happened to you. See in the community at large there seems to be this gulf that people assumes or hopes isolates them from it being their problem. Since it isn't directly affecting them, they feel safe, and don't bother to learn or understand the enormity of the scope of the disease. The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau hopes to put a face on the disease, to make individuals understand that it is a disease that doesn't care if you are gay, straight, a millionaire, a drug user, a housewife, a deacon in the church, a song writer, singer, or any other such thing. It can strike anyone anywhere.
Did you know that every 9 1/2 minutes someone in the U.S. is infected with HIV? And it is everyday people, your doctor, your lawyer, the school teacher, the lunch room lady, your neighbor, your child, or you yourself. It is a deadly disease, and their is a terrible shame that is associated with it and a guilt that is hard to fight. There are many ways in which you can catch the disease, but the most common are unprotected sex, IV drug use, having multiple sex partners, etc. There is a latency in which the virus can remain dormant for a number of years and creep up on you unaware. Take responsibility for your sexual actions and understand that even that one time could be the time you get it...that one time you didn't use protection is all it takes. Be sure to get tested regularly. Know your status! Trust me it is important, because there are people out there that felt fine, had no indication at all that they were Positive and when the test came back they were. You don't have to be sick or have symptoms to be infected. There is a myth that you have to be ill or in the hospital to be infected, but honestly it isn't true. I had no symptoms, I felt fine, was going for my annual physical with my oncologist and the normal battery of test were run, I decided that it had been 3 months since my last HIV test and it came back negative, that I didn't have anything to worry about so I asked my doctor to run a new one for me with my other tests. Two days later I was called into the office and told that I was Positive, and that they were going to run a phenotype and genotype to see what strand of the virus I had, but before I left his office he had made an appointment to see an infectious disease doctor the next morning. Now this was because of my medical history, I had been battling cancer and leukemia since 1992 and my immune system was already compromised, by the way this was in 2006. I was placed on a drug regimen even though they caught early on and I had less than 200,000 copies in my blood, and my t-cells were in 600's.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I want each of you to check out our website, it is located at http://www.positivechampions.org You will definitely find a lot of information on there, we dispel a lot of myths and stigmas and there are youtube videos that you can watch that will tell the story of some of our champion's. I want you to encourage you to come back often because each of the members will eventually have their stories up there. You can see our upcoming speaking events, you can even request to have a speaker come to your place of employment or your church or any other type of function and we would gladly schedule the event and speak to your group. If you would like to volunteer your time or know of someone that might be interested in joining us please feel free to get in contact with me or have them contact one of the members at the site. Honestly we are inclusive group we do not discriminate in any way, even if you aren't positive, but know someone who is, or have a loved one that is infected we invite you to join our group, because you are affected by the disease as much as the infected person. As I said the group is warm and inviting, it is friendly and open, we talk and listen to each other. We support one another, and for some of us this is our family, because for whatever reason our real family has declined to accept us, they cannot wrap their heads around the disease or get past the stigmas and myths that surround it.
No one is going to judge you here, we all have our own story, and I am sure you are going to hear it at one point or another. Even if you aren't a speaker we still ask you to come and join us, we will help you work with you, there are people that come in and give us training on public speaking and how to write a speech. This is an excellent opportunity to get involved and find a group that really does care about you. We know what you are going through and we are here to help and love and support you. We are each of us judged too often already by those around us, this is a place of warmth and safety where you can tell your story and share with others what you are going through. As you get comfortable, you will see how easy it becomes to talk to others about yourself and your experiences, it becomes easier and easier, almost second nature. Before you know it, you too are going to be a Positive Champion!
You can also see the Positive Champion Videos if you go to http://www.youtube.com and type in Positive Champions.
Our regular website is http://www.positivechampions.org/
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, August 17, 2012
All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away
One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment. If I were you I would truly savor the here and now. That precious irreplaceable right then, this second. That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again." How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by? How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them? I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment. It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me. Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old. These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.
I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart. To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me. Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in. Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years. Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other. The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see. I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by. How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now! We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone. You can't change what you have done or where you have been. But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life. Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.
Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance. It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way. But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it. Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late. Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious. Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."
Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel. Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something. Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life. I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared. Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together." That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him. We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out. Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone. Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do? Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?
"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us." Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment. This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history. Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with are fleeting, and if you aren't focused and paying attention they will pass you by.
Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here. For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment. Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it. Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done! Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death. Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me. How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again. Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me. Just because I wanted him. Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me. He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me. Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love. Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.
Life is too short to face it all alone my friends. Take a chance open your heart to love. Promise me you will give it another try. You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down."
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart. To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me. Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in. Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years. Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other. The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see. I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by. How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now! We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone. You can't change what you have done or where you have been. But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life. Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.
Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance. It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way. But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it. Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late. Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious. Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."
Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel. Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something. Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life. I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared. Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together." That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him. We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out. Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone. Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do? Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?
"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us." Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment. This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history. Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with are fleeting, and if you aren't focused and paying attention they will pass you by.
Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here. For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment. Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it. Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done! Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death. Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me. How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again. Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me. Just because I wanted him. Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me. He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me. Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love. Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.
Life is too short to face it all alone my friends. Take a chance open your heart to love. Promise me you will give it another try. You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down."
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
What two things can keep you from succeeding at your goals and dreams?
Now I know that you know that there are more things that can keep you from succeeding. But the main two that I think of that can kill them before you even start are Fear and Jealousy. Fear alone can hold you back, limit your reasoning to take risks that may be necessary to even start. Fear can keep you from trying something new and exploring every opportunity and avenue that is presented to you. It can also lock you in place because it causes you to doubt your own abilities. Jealousy, whether yours aimed at others or their's aimed at you is the second thing.
Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be. You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide. Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms. They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you. It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you. Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge. Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack. It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.
There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them. The first we discussed was fear. As they say fear is really the the enemy itself. You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities. Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself. Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair. Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.
Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms. The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again. The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks. Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did. This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet. Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true. First off, if something looks easy for someone maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it. Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set. When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.
You might just find you aren't in such a bad place. As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be! I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here. In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life. Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made. Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace. Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.
The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters". These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly. It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults. The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally. Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all. A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down. Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".
For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html
I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries. You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be. You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide. Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms. They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you. It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you. Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge. Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack. It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.
There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them. The first we discussed was fear. As they say fear is really the the enemy itself. You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities. Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself. Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair. Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.
Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms. The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again. The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks. Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did. This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet. Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true. First off, if something looks easy for someone maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it. Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set. When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.
You might just find you aren't in such a bad place. As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be! I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here. In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life. Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made. Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace. Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.
The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters". These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly. It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults. The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally. Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all. A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down. Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".
For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html
I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries. You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Interracial Relationships and the stigmas that surround them
As if being gay isn't hard enough try dating outside your race and you are going to add a whole new set of variables into the mix. Trust me as a gay man who prefers to date black men there are a lot of different stigmas associated with that preference. You have a cultural difference to contend with first. Then there are social stigmas that also accompany the cultural differences. Believe it or not there is also a slight language barrier as well. Plus there are stereotypes and other barriers that have to be countered and discarded.
Now this applies to any type of interracial relationship. Not just black and white, but hispanic and white, hispanic and black, asian and white, asian and hispanic, asian and black or any other combination you can think of. Plus it really doesn't matter if is a gay relationship or straight either. Each culture is raised differently, have different values, sense of community, they have a certain mindset, language and philosophies.
Though in recent years you see more and more pairings cross the racial divides than in years past. But there are still a lot of hurtles and obstacles that must be overcome. Plus no matter what race you are from and which sexual oriented group you identify with, you are going to occasionally run into bigotry, intolerance and hatred. You may have to overcome racial concepts that are aimed at you that you just don't understand. An example of this is that most African-American men view gay white men to be "pansy's", "powder puffs" or "effeminate""sissy boys", "punks" or some other derivative that paints them as weak, non-masculine, effeminate people.
There is a different sense of community in the African-American culture that seems to exist that puts pressure on the men that differs from the white community. I can't actually explain it adequately. But, I believe it is what makes it more difficult for men of color to come to terms with their sexuality and be totally open about it. This is something that I plan to explore further.
I do know that it seems to be frowned upon by society to cross the lines of races. Even though we are supposed to be such an enlightened society. There are still those that think dating outside your race is wrong, and the looks and comments that are still given today are ridiculous. Yet, as I have said earlier there is still so much intolerance, bigotry and hatred out there that makes dating outside your race hard. The slang and jargon that is used sometimes needs and interpreter to be understood. I was lucky that my boyfriend didn't mind me asking questions and had no problem explaining things to me. Though still sometimes I get lost when he talks. Imagine that!
There are so many things it is hard to put them all down. But, in my experience African-American males are more closely guarded and don't talk about their feelings as much. They are more private and reserved compared to the whites. Motivations are different and so are boundaries. Identification and labeling is also a big difference. Younger males don't like to label themselves for fear of being outted. Most black men that I have met refer to themselves as bisexual though as they get older may come to identify themselves as gay.
Once you get past all of that you have all the drama and stigmas associated with being gay added on top. No matter what anyone believes the gay lifestyle is not the easiest in the world to deal with. You have to deal with the same types of hate and intolerance and even bigotry as before. Plus, a whole slew of other types of drama that seem only to dwell in the gay community. Part of all of this dwells in the fact that there seems to be a solidarity and unity in the black world that doesn't exist in the white world.
Even in the gay community there is a separation of cultures. Maybe it's because people consider gay to be a sub-culture itself. What I do know is that the gay community calls for unity, yet divides itself along lines. Basically the gay community classifies itself internally by sex, sexual identity, and gender assignment and so forth. Inside of our own community we don't do everything we can to promote unity and acceptance. Why have we drawn lines? Shouldn't we all identify as gay or same-sex partnerships? What is the reasoning for the distinction? Shouldn't there be acceptance of others within our community? Shouldn't we love each other? Haven't we been persecuted enough because we are different from societal norms? Does it matter what color skin you have? Whether you are a man or a woman, you love the same, work the same, have the same dreams and ambitions. We want the same things! How can we tear down these walls get past the differences? Shouldn't there be some way to cross the cultural divide? Why the gulf, the gap, the separation?
Unity is the key. Love is the answer and society is the lock. How do we fix what is broken? As I am sitting here I wish I had someone here that I could ask about these things, someone who would try to help me understand just a little bit better the differences between the black world and the white world and how we might be able to bring them together and combine the two into one seamless one. I started out taking about interracial relationships and opened a huge can of worms. Thoughts and topics that I want to explore and understand more fully. To understand why some black hate whites, why some whites would never consider dating a black and so much more. Because aren't we all the same? Aren't we born the same way? Live and breath the same? Sweat and bleed the same? We all have worries, bills, needs, preferences, opinions and voices. We are all going to die!
No one is better than anyone else. No one has the right to choose or dictate who I choose to give my heart too. Take away the guilt, the stigma, the shame and we are the same. We are all one people nothing else matters. Does it? Help me to understand. I just want to make the world a better place and love, be loved, respected and cared about. Don't You?
As always my hope and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now this applies to any type of interracial relationship. Not just black and white, but hispanic and white, hispanic and black, asian and white, asian and hispanic, asian and black or any other combination you can think of. Plus it really doesn't matter if is a gay relationship or straight either. Each culture is raised differently, have different values, sense of community, they have a certain mindset, language and philosophies.
Though in recent years you see more and more pairings cross the racial divides than in years past. But there are still a lot of hurtles and obstacles that must be overcome. Plus no matter what race you are from and which sexual oriented group you identify with, you are going to occasionally run into bigotry, intolerance and hatred. You may have to overcome racial concepts that are aimed at you that you just don't understand. An example of this is that most African-American men view gay white men to be "pansy's", "powder puffs" or "effeminate""sissy boys", "punks" or some other derivative that paints them as weak, non-masculine, effeminate people.
There is a different sense of community in the African-American culture that seems to exist that puts pressure on the men that differs from the white community. I can't actually explain it adequately. But, I believe it is what makes it more difficult for men of color to come to terms with their sexuality and be totally open about it. This is something that I plan to explore further.
I do know that it seems to be frowned upon by society to cross the lines of races. Even though we are supposed to be such an enlightened society. There are still those that think dating outside your race is wrong, and the looks and comments that are still given today are ridiculous. Yet, as I have said earlier there is still so much intolerance, bigotry and hatred out there that makes dating outside your race hard. The slang and jargon that is used sometimes needs and interpreter to be understood. I was lucky that my boyfriend didn't mind me asking questions and had no problem explaining things to me. Though still sometimes I get lost when he talks. Imagine that!
There are so many things it is hard to put them all down. But, in my experience African-American males are more closely guarded and don't talk about their feelings as much. They are more private and reserved compared to the whites. Motivations are different and so are boundaries. Identification and labeling is also a big difference. Younger males don't like to label themselves for fear of being outted. Most black men that I have met refer to themselves as bisexual though as they get older may come to identify themselves as gay.
Once you get past all of that you have all the drama and stigmas associated with being gay added on top. No matter what anyone believes the gay lifestyle is not the easiest in the world to deal with. You have to deal with the same types of hate and intolerance and even bigotry as before. Plus, a whole slew of other types of drama that seem only to dwell in the gay community. Part of all of this dwells in the fact that there seems to be a solidarity and unity in the black world that doesn't exist in the white world.
Even in the gay community there is a separation of cultures. Maybe it's because people consider gay to be a sub-culture itself. What I do know is that the gay community calls for unity, yet divides itself along lines. Basically the gay community classifies itself internally by sex, sexual identity, and gender assignment and so forth. Inside of our own community we don't do everything we can to promote unity and acceptance. Why have we drawn lines? Shouldn't we all identify as gay or same-sex partnerships? What is the reasoning for the distinction? Shouldn't there be acceptance of others within our community? Shouldn't we love each other? Haven't we been persecuted enough because we are different from societal norms? Does it matter what color skin you have? Whether you are a man or a woman, you love the same, work the same, have the same dreams and ambitions. We want the same things! How can we tear down these walls get past the differences? Shouldn't there be some way to cross the cultural divide? Why the gulf, the gap, the separation?
Unity is the key. Love is the answer and society is the lock. How do we fix what is broken? As I am sitting here I wish I had someone here that I could ask about these things, someone who would try to help me understand just a little bit better the differences between the black world and the white world and how we might be able to bring them together and combine the two into one seamless one. I started out taking about interracial relationships and opened a huge can of worms. Thoughts and topics that I want to explore and understand more fully. To understand why some black hate whites, why some whites would never consider dating a black and so much more. Because aren't we all the same? Aren't we born the same way? Live and breath the same? Sweat and bleed the same? We all have worries, bills, needs, preferences, opinions and voices. We are all going to die!
No one is better than anyone else. No one has the right to choose or dictate who I choose to give my heart too. Take away the guilt, the stigma, the shame and we are the same. We are all one people nothing else matters. Does it? Help me to understand. I just want to make the world a better place and love, be loved, respected and cared about. Don't You?
As always my hope and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, August 13, 2012
What is a powerful thing? Read these two poems and see for yourself
Never fear mother dear, I heard your heart beating within your womb,
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.
Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!
When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?
The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.
When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.
The brain is a powerful thing!
The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.
Isn't the brain a powerful thing?
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.
Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!
When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?
The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.
When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.
The brain is a powerful thing!
The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.
Isn't the brain a powerful thing?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)