Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer

For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway.  But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel.  This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me.  Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had.  It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States.  Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends.  That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.

6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with.  She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house.  It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again.  But as I  was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them.  There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom.  We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures.  A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again.  That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.

But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me.  I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from.  I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays?  I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.

This year I have something forward to look forward to.  This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays.  It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again.  As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them.  2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season.  This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.

Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together.  We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends.  I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again.  My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart.  He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together.  We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken.  Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.

I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids.  That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together.  It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now.  But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together.  No one knows!  I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am.  I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.

But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires.  Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special.  It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving.  It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on.  LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit.  What word would you give it???

Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity.  It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return.  It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.

I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you?  What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer?  What are you expecting this holiday season?  Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss?  What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The Time Has Come

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing spoken here
can make this clear
Body lies in shock and fear
have heard the message dear
that the time is near or should say that it's here

Cause in the morning I will see the sun
Oh the day has just begun
The darkness of the night has been swept aside
The sun is full of life and cheer
so sweep away the dread my dear
The time is here
Its bright outside.

Be happy and merry
there's no time to terry
tick tock goes the clock on the wall
tick tock can't you here it's call
It's spring beckoning to summer's call
winters dread has lost its thrawl

In the light you see it clear
Nothing last forever
be merry and full of good cheer
Except for happy ever after
Nothing last forever.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Don't let earthly things give you pain
Face each dawn with a smile
Don't give in to stress or strain
just laugh and give that extra mile.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I have seen it all
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock be brave and tall
Tick tock you will survive through all.

Nothing last forever
except for ever after
so treat each trial with a smile and laughter.

Giving back or Paying it forward what does this mean?

It is easy to see around Christmas time that the spirit of giving and love is in the air.  But, what is the cause? It isn't because we have any more money then usual as a matter of fact Christmas time is when most of us go into some minor or major debt buying gifts for friends, family and loved ones.  Sunday my step mother and I were at Walmart, she had 4 or 5 little items, she set them down on the conveyor and was wrung up.  Before she could swipe her debit card the man in front of her told her to stop, he was paying for her groceries.  As I walked down the front of the store and past 2 other registers friends of this man was doing the same thing.  I went outside to smoke a cigarette and was surprised at how many people came out of the store with the Spirit of Christmas that they didn't have before they went into the store.  As they were all walking out they were all talking about the men paying for their stuff and saying Merry Christmas.

Now that is one way of paying it forward, and I am sure that it was contagious and the next person would pay for the person behind them because they now had extra money that they didn't think they would have.  Either that or they put the money in the Salvation Army cam outside the door with Santa Claus.  No matter what you do paying it forward not only benefits you it benefits another person.  I know we have discussed this subject before, but something is telling me that tonight is the night it needs to be rehashed. When you give of yourself, money, time, attention and love you will receive it back ten fold.  It is called the law of returns.  Remember that in the ethereal plane like energy attracts like. Positive attracts positive and Negative attracts negative.

I honestly the giving back and paying it forward are similar in nature could possibly be the same thing. By going to the nursing home each week I feel a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in seeing my friends that are patients there and others that work there.  They tell me that my positive energy and bubbly personality add life and character to the home when I am there. I take the time to walk through all the wards and say hi to everyone.  It is amazing that everyone in there knows my name and who I am by sight.  I talk to my friends Sue and Mark on the phone, and usually tell them what day and time I would be there to visit. My visits aren't for personal gain, the reason for my visits was because I know how it felt to be in there without anyone coming to visit.  Not having anyone come and break the monotony of the day.  How the boredom and daily schedule make the days blur together and begin to feel like you are in jail.  So I go back and visit my friends and those that have no family or visitors come to see them.  I love to see their smiles when I come in and hug them.

One person that I see every week is Miss Ruby Miller, she was my neighbor when I was a  patient there. She came into the ward after I had gotten there.  At first her family, son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit her almost every day.  But as the months have moved on her visits have become less and less.  As of this month I have been her only visitor, and I make sure that I stop by and visit with her. This afternoon she told the nurses at the nurses station that I am the only one that comes in and says Hi to her on the regular. I do understand that life must go on and that people have jobs, responsibilities and things to do, but it is hard on those in the nursing home because they only see the same people that work there day in and day out. They don't think about the work schedules, school schedules, after school activities, etc.  And in Miss Ruby Miller's case she has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember things like a normal person. Yet, every time I see her, she remembers my face and my name and tells me hi.  I give her my hug and tell her how good she is looking, which is so true.  She looks so much better than when she got there and she seems to be able to get around a whole lot better too.

But why am I talking about this subject now? What does it have to do with each and everyone of you?  Why would I talk about this so close to Christmas?  Well, the truth of the matter, most of the time people only get joyous and social around Christmas and that is when they think about doing for other instead of themselves and I am hoping that maybe we could change that because there are lonely people out there, there are shut-ins, there are elderly and so many others that we could and should take time to visit with, let them know that we love them and appreciate them.  No one wants to wither away and die unloved and unnoticed.  Please I am begging you to Pay it forward or Give back some of your time throughout this year.  See what joy it brings to the faces of those you visit and the joy it brings to your heart and soul.  Every day of every year should be like Christmas Time where we feel full of love, joy, laughter and hope, where we think of others before ourselves and take the time to enjoy our friends and family and loved ones.  It doesn't have to be one time a year.  It can be all year long.  Just try it and see!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

December 19th Status Update

This year has been a tough year for everyone of my friends, and me as well.  I am thankful that it is finally drawing to a close, and on the heels of all the hard times comes several blessings that I want to share with you.  Every day cannot be a picnic and something I have learned coming through 2012 is that you have to take the good with a measure of bad.  But, with hope and faith things will work out for the best, whether you want to believe that or not, it is really true.  As we went through the Thanksgiving holiday we all stopped and gave thanks for the things that we were most thankful in our lives.  But, that was just one point in the year, we need to take a closer look at our daily lives and be thankful daily for the small things that happen to us.  Once you begin to do that you are going to see that the smallest things add up together, these little blessings may not seem to mean much, but when you take a step back and look at how they multiply you will be amazed at just what you can have come through.

As 2012 draws to a close, I have to tell you that I have a new family, that has opened their hearts and home to me and accepted me with open arms.  They have done everything they can to make me feel like I am a part of their family and special.  For someone that hasn't actually enjoyed Christmas or the holidays in many many years, this has been a big shock and surprise.  Since coming out to California my life has been filled with such joy and happiness that it is hard to contain.  God has been so good to me this past year, has brought me such loving and caring friends both in Florida and in California that I can hardly believe how lucky I have been.  Everyone one of us has a story, something that we had to face and come through in 2012 and here we are we have made it. There have been people that have inspired us, motivated us and given us the strength to push onward even when it seemed the darkest.  This holiday season take the time to reach out to those that have been around you and by your side, give them the praise that you feel in your heart.  Tell them how much you appreciate them, and all that they have done for you.  None of us could have made it through this year without our support group, our family and friends that stood by us in our times of trouble and despair.  These are the ones that have made it possible for you to look back and marvel at all that you have endured and come through and deserve the highest praise.

Though I can't put everyone's story out there I want to point out a few that have inspired me and given me hope for a brighter tomorrow and a happier future.  These are stories that show strength, compassion and love.  These are fighters that even when the toughest of times seemed too much to bear they pushed ever onward and have come through.  I know a lot of you think that I am something of an inspiration through everything that I have come through, but I have a dear friend that lost her husband of many many years, who opened up her heart and her home to let me come out to visit.  She has started to live again and with just a little visit and several hugs brought Christmas back into my life.  Then there is her daughter who I have been close to since she was 8 years old that told me what was happening and wanted me to come.  These two have shown me what the meaning of Christmas is all about, love, hope, happiness and joy, even inspite of troubles.  Here is the unique thing about me and my friend, whenever we are apart our energies and lives seem to get off track and turned upside down, most of the time a phone call between us will straighten out our course, though sometimes it takes a bit more like a visit.  I can tell you that since being here I haven't felt this good and strong in a long time. The depression and despair that had seemed to fall over the house quickly evaporated once I got here.  Now with the Christmas tree up and house all decorated it seems like life is finally coming back to the house.    Then there is my friend and partner who while I was going through my own health crisis's and issues in Florida was going through his own all the way across the country.  Even though at times he wasn't sure about "Us" or "Me", we made it through and are together.  Speaking of him, he just had neuro-surgery just two weeks ago, and what a boost to his self-confidence and self-esteem it has been.  I haven't ever seen him this happy or excited since I have met him. Another friend of mine found himself in a horrible living situation that did nothing but weigh him down and destroyed his health. Yet, through it all he maintained a positive outlook and repeatedly demonstrated his strength of character in all of his emails and Facebook postings.  It takes a strong person to endure circumstances like that, and to do it with such grace and love it has truly been inspiring.  I am also wanting to mention my new family Voncellar, CeCe and Mary, thank you so much for being the greatest influence on your son/brother/grandson, and accepting me whole-heartedly into your family making this one of the best Christmas's ever!  Then there are my friends at the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau who have been there with me through every hospitalization, every health crisis and personal /emotional crisis I have gone through this year.  Even though each of them had their own health issues, and problems they made me feel accepted and part of their circle. Thank you guys you don't know how much you all mean to me.  You are my family!

I know times are tough, money is tight, and Christmas this year might not be as perfect as you want it to be, just know that Life doesn't always seem to work out as it is planned or pictured. It can be better or worse depending on your point of view. Even non perfect circumstances can bring contentment and happiness. Though we may wish for the perfect picture of our minds eye, understanding that you just might not get it makes it that much easier to accept. I have often been filled with disappointments by not understanding this little concept, but this year I have a whole new set of eyes and a brand new understanding of how things truly are.  We have to make our own happiness, our own perfect moments, don't wait around for life to give them too you.  If you do, you will be closed off to new and wondrous things that are out there waiting for you.  Understanding this will also help you to understand that even though you aren't exactly where you want to be, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Nothing worth having comes easy.  It is the stuff that you have to work hard for and struggle with that are the things you treasure the most.  As this year ends make sure you ring it out with good cheer and a song in your heart. Let go of the past, surrender yourself to the future, take that leap of faith and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be happier and more successful in the new year than you ever have been before.

Even as I am getting ready to close this entry, a miracle of life has been granted to my family.  We are welcoming our newest member born just a few minutes ago a new nephew.  A new year, and a new life, what better symbol of hope can there be!

I love you all and wish you a very happy holiday season. Make sure you give praise to those that deserve it, cordiality to those that don't and share the joy and happiness of Christmas and New Years with all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It's 2 a.m. and I am still awake!

Believe it or not I went to bed rather early tonight, I had a very long day and couldn't find anything on television and didn't feel like watching a movie, so decided to call it quits.  I actually laid down and covered my head with the blanket and closed my eyes.  Slept maybe 2 hours and something woke me up, there was a chill in the air and I was uncomfortable. I got up went to the bathroom and decided to log back into Facebook.  There was nothing on my wall, but I noticed something over on the right hand side of the screen. My boyfriend's brother had put something up on his wall about being bored and so forth.  I have no idea what made me scroll through the list of posting notifications to find his name, but I did.  When I clicked on his name I was taken to his wall.  Now, a few weeks ago he was in Tacoma visiting my boyfriend and I had made some comments on his picture on my partners wall, but I never sent him a friends request I just subscribed to his public posts.  Anyhow, I digress and none of that is really important.  What is important is that when I got to his page, I saw a picture of my boyfriend all hooked up to wires and tubes sleeping in his hospital bed.   Now this in itself wasn't anything spectacular, except that it was.  See I checked the time stamp on the picture and it was posted at the same moment that I woke up.  Now believe it or not for some reason I thought that the surgery was supposed to be today Thursday, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call earlier in the evening from my boyfriend telling me that he was out of surgery and that it was a success and that he was okay.  I knew that something was up from the tone of his voice so I asked what was going on and he told me that he was in a lot of pain, but that I needed to call him tomorrow on his cell that they were going to keep him overnight and possibly tomorrow.

Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep.  Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture.  Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him.  Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you!  I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God.  I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good.  I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on.  At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.

When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me.  Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith.  Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times.  I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you.  God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you.  God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life.  But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted.  Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that.  I was sick when I was asked to  leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else.  Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable.  Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it.  Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered.  I was delivered and a miracle took place.

Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to.  This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me.  I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached.  This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together.  But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way.  Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida.  There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.

I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this.  It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see.  Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained  and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me.  Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true.  Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past.  It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world.  See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay.  That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on.  He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands.  So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.

See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say.  Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always.  God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do.  The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell.  Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings.  If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us.  There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope.  Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious.  Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away.  Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You just don't know, Do You?

You never know who you are going to meet when you wake up in the morning, nor do you know who might be watching you.  I had a very fun and exciting experience this morning after my meeting with the Chair of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  But before I get into my experience I will fill you in a little bit about what was discussed at my meeting which led me to today's story.  Jeff and I had a meeting scheduled for 9:30 this morning to discuss our upcoming World's AIDS Day event and we each shared our vision of the performance that our group is wanting to perform to bring a greater awareness and understanding of the fears, stigmas, guilt and drama that is associated with having HIV/AIDS.  This meeting was highly beneficial and our ideas were well meshed and in-sync with one another, and since I volunteered to outline the script and write it, we decided that I should run with the ball.  So after this meeting I had a few errands to run before I headed home. Interestingly my car drove me right to the Ormond Beach Public Library so taking that as I sign I headed on in to the reference and information desk to find out where I could locate a book on plays and screenwriting.  Since I have written things before, but never written a whole play on my own I thought it wouldn't hurt to have some references to look at while I am working on this project.

I wish I would have gotten the woman's name that helped me because my experience was of such delight and inspiration I am extremely thankful I ended up there.  She took me right to the section that I needed and she asked me what I was writing about.  An open door is all I need to go into who I am and the organization I represent, so I told her everything, then I also told her that I do work with cancer patients, survivors and their families.  This is when she opened up to me and we talked about her mother and her mother's battle with breast cancer.  We laughed and joked and it was an extremely meaningful interaction.  Before I left she asked me for a card, which unfortunately I don't have at this time, but I will have some printed up soon.  I am getting so many requests for one, I just need to have some in my wallet at all times.  So what I did was follow her over to the information desk and I wrote out my information and while I was doing that she mentioned that she had a friend who was working so much, and didn't know anyone, and that he had no social life to speak of.  Now, she told me he wasn't HIV Positive, which really wouldn't have mattered to me either way, but she also told me that he was dealing with the loss of his partner and needed to meet some friends.  Well of course you know me I can't help myself when I learn of someone in need so I made sure I gave my email address, cell phone number, blog and told her to tell her friend to call me. I also told her about my friend who has been battling for his own life in a different manner, but how excited I was that he has agreed to come to Ormond to help me look for an apartment.  I told her that I think it would be wonderful to meet her friend and guess what my friend and her friend have something extraordinary in common, both are song writers, musicians and performers.

What an amazing turn of events, how fortunate was I to run into her, that her and I would have a similar story.  You never know who you might meet, where that chance meeting might take you.  How by being open and receptive that encounter can impact other people's lives and change the direction and energy around them.  My eyes were opened to this kind woman and her friend and it touched me and struck a cord in life on a very personal level. As much as I am dying to tell you all about my friend I made a promise that I intend to keep, so all I can tell you is that over the past year my life has been in turmoil.  When we parted ways last August, I didn't know when or if I was ever going to see him again.  I didn't know if we were still together or what the deal was.  I had met someone in October but things didn't last, and when I got to Florida I thought that person might choose to come down here and be with me.  However, with his situation as it was he couldn't or wouldn't whatever the case maybe.  But, Facebook reconnected me with the one who left me last August in March after my big surgery and where I died on the table twice.  So it was a big deal for me.  I am rehashing all of this out so you can understand the immediate connection I felt with this lady and her friend.  Once me and my partner reconnected via Facebook it would still be several months of talking and emailing and cellphone calls, etc. before we even broached the idea of our parting, and what it meant.  I had no idea that he had a seizure and was in the hospital and that is what caused him to disappear, that he was scared and his family was across the country from where we were at, and he couldn't get a hold of me to let me know what was going on so he went home. Let me tell you that when he found out that I was sick and dying and scared he was there, he wanted to drop everything for me but due to his own physical limitations that was impossible right then.  But we talked and decided that we had never broken up, that we still love each other and that despite the distance, and the illness we are going to make our relationship work.

As I am talking to this woman and hearing about her friend and his need to meet other people like himself that it struck me, with her friends recent loss and both me and my partner almost loosing one another because we both almost died that there was a definite connection there. Then after hearing how her friend was a songwriter, singer, musician and dancer and had just worked hard to open a dance studio, how there was another connection with my partner and me.  I don't believe in random chance, I believe as you all know too well that people are put into our life for reasons we may never understand.  But, we do realize that there is a need on everyone's part that can and will be fulfilled through that meeting.  I learned years ago that you cannot go through life being shy and introverted.  If you live in a shell you are going to miss out on the fun and excitement that this roller coaster called life has to offer. When I was young my parents moved me around a lot. Every two years I was starting a new school and having to make new friends.  I really didn't like it and when they finally settled on the Orlando, FL area, I thought it was going to be just like every other time, so I stayed in my books and hid in my room. I didn't want to put myself out there in anyway, I did make 2 friends that were my neighbors, but that was it.  On the first day of school I got on the bus, I was in the 8th grade and was assigned a seat next to this boy who would become a huge influence and impact on my life.  His name was John Hope and from what I hear he is a stand up comic today.  Which I can't say surprises me at all because he was such a great guy and a good friend.  It was John Hope that got me out of my shell, taught me how to laugh, encouraged me to let my personality fly, to become outgoing and meet as many people as I could.

Here is a little insight about dear old Uncle B, I was a late bloomer, I had terrible hair, wore huge bulky glasses, but I was smart, funny, out going, and socially into everything and there was no one I didn't like or count as a friend.  Oh I got my share of picking on, but something strange happened, even those detractors the ones who picked on me, I eventually won them over and made them my friends.  I excelled in my studies, but also in my outgoing lifestyle.  Which in tenth grade I would figure out that I was attracted to boy's and girls.  Sorry Stacey I never told you.  Maybe it was good that we broke up before prom our Junior year. Here, is the other thing, I didn't know which way my life was going to go. If you want to know more you can read my blog entry about the "Defining moment of my life" and you can find out a little bit more about my first male lover, David Hodge.  Life would never be the same for me and I can tell you that by the time I graduated high school, I knew every single member of my graduation class, and I was friends with every single one of them.  The popular guys, girls, cheerleaders, jocks, the nerds, preppy kids, you name it I knew them all. I was not in their groups per-se but I was a part of them.  I was the social butterfly, a networker, which I have used successfully throughout the rest of my life. It worked when I was in the Navy, when I was in government work and even now in my advocate and activism work.

The moral of this long winded tale is this.  I am looking forward to meeting Caleb, getting to know him and adding him to my ever growing list of long term, life long friends.  Because folks I am a testament that the friendships you make can last a lifetime.  Check out my Facebook and see how many people I have known for over 20 years. You never know who your life is going to intersect with, how your life and story might connect you with others in similar situations as you, who you can grow and learn from. We each need help sometimes to overcome the challenges life throws our way, and how our seeming  chance encounters can change the course of not only your own life but all those that are around you and a part of you.

Remember everyone has a story, everyone likes to have someone else pay attention to them, likes to talk about their story and have a receptive person listen, empathize and even comprehend the depth of their pain and rejoice in their triumph.  Never be too busy to give someone a few minutes of your time. Listen with open heart and an open mind, be receptive to their needs, understanding, sympathetic, and willing to talk about yourself.  Show them how similar your situations are.  You may be surprised that the life you save may be your own.  That you may have had a need to share your story, to get it out there and by doing so helped you realize how to overcome whatever it is, or connect with someone that needs you as much as you need them.  God is amazing and He works in mysterious ways.  If you ever find yourself at a cross road and all the doors are closed, don't despair, take heart that maybe the reason why they are all close so that you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.  Everyone of us needs others in our lives that can understand us, can sympathize with us, who can guide us or we can guide them through the rough patches.  Everyone has a story, a need or a desire that can be fulfilled.  Only if you take the time to listen and understand what they are saying.  Remember that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. You have to live, live, live.  Take that chance to explore the tapestry and color of life.  You will be glad you did.

As you can imagine, you never know who might be listening or watching you, but your life is a story, your history a tapestry, the world the texture and color that paints your portrait.  Take the time to open yourself up, let the world see the light in you, hold out a helping hand and make new friends.  Life is too short and too hard to do it all alone.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Money and Happiness don't necessarily equate.

You know the happiest times in my life were the times I spent with my dad's mom, she didn't have two dimes to rub together her entire life, but there was love, warmth, acceptance and happiness to be found under her roof.  My dad's father died when he was just 8 years old, and he being the middle child of a large family, he felt the death probably more seriously than all of his other siblings. Because the 4 older ones were already on their own, and the 4 younger ones didn't understand what was happening.  But, my grandmother, did her best with what she had, and always smiled even when times had to be extremely tough for her.  Undoubtedly she was the glue that held our family together, she made sure that she spent time with all the grandchildren and great grandchildren while she was alive.  I remember that the family always spent time at her house. Her youngest son and his 3 children lived with her, as well as my cousin Eric, whose mother, committed suicide when he was just 18 months old.

I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often.  When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life.  My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.

I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia.  It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time.  It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side.  See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it.  Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.

Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side.  My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren.  Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love.  My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister.  My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them.  It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.

Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did.  There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life.  She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age.  My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out.  Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age.  He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money.  When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family.  My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.

Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money.  To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life.  See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field.  There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times.  Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them.  My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life.  She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry.  Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather.  My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver.  My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.

In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either.  My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart.  An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier.  Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather.  This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired.  My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.

But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy.  Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found.  As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word.  Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained.  I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.

My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch.  She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family.  One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it!  You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left.  That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.

When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me.  I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt.  How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it.  How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication.  No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.

Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship.  But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money.  It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world.  So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy.  I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy.  It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them.  To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them.  I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life.  I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved.  Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself.  It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy.  So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with.  Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.

I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me.  But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Me

I am who I am and that is all I can be.
I am not you and couldn't be.
So don't you judge or criticize
You are you and have your own ideals and beliefs
I don't think you can comprehend or understand me.
I don't believe like you, I am who I choose.

Whether right or wrong it is not your place
because when I look in the mirror I don't see your face.
I have my own mind and voice,
This is my right and my choice.

You think you are helping me
offering choice and pity.
But what I do and choose defines my path,
and how I handle things with a laugh
is how it is has got to be
I like to live life light and free.

Your pain and sacrifice are for you alone
My choice and decision are mine to atone
You have your own mind and will
That has made you my friend and still
I don't want to be you my friend
I need you to walk with me toward my end.

I am me and you are you
We are friends that is true,
As long as you can accept me
and can truly let me be
I accept and follow you
because I know all that you have been through

Because of that we are a match
and can make it through this rough patch
keep me strong and have my back
and I will do the same right back.

This is what makes us a pair
keeps us strong and helps us fare
the path of life
even though it is filled with strife
I am glad your here
with out you I would live in fear
that I couldn't make it through
but you keep me strong and true.

Thank you for you, for accepting me for who I am
because of you I am strong.
But I am what I am
Just like you are you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is meant to be always finds a way!

With this line of thinking I have opened for myself a whole can of worms, I am not sure I can find the answers for which my line of thought has been leading me too.  It all started yesterday with the shooting at the Dark Knight premiere in Colorado.  Jessica Redfield a sports blogger and upcoming journalist from Denver, had narrowly escaped being killed a month before in a shooting spree that took place in a Toronto Mall, met her tragic death at the premiere of the Dark Knight Rises, Thursday night, Friday morning.  This has brought up in my mind the question of Destiny, pre-ordination, and fate. These are questions that haunt me and make me question whether, our lives are all pre-written, is our future locked in stone and unchangeable? 

This pictures seems to answer that question:  It seems to indicate that our lives are on a path, and that our futures are pre-written.

I have been praying and thinking on this for awhile trying to understand exactly what this means.  I believe that our future is a series of possibilities and probabilities, and that depending on the decisions and actions we take at specific points in our lives is what dictates what our possible future might be.  So while it may appear that our future is cut in stone and unchangeable.  It is not!  What are forged in stone are way-points or milestones which are decision points, where our choice and probabilities unfold the next path our journey.

As I have been thinking on this an analyzing my thoughts on destiny, fate, future, and how it unfolds.  I think that because we have free will and choice, that there are only predefined events, which I have called way-points or milestones in our lives. You can think of these sort of as save points in windows.  Places where you are making a change or decision and you have to save a place in-case something goes wrong and you have to go back.  Unfortunately, we as people don't have to ability to go back and undo or change what has happened like a computer, but we do have significant places of decision.  This is where I think we have the ability to change or re-write our future, based on the choices we make.  

Now, I want you to think on this, we make a thousand decisions a minute sometimes, and our brain is able to process this in a way that we hardly have to take the time out to consider them all, but in actuality, each decision that we make can influence the outcome of our future. If you understand where I am coming from you might begin to see that for each and every decision there are thousands of possible solutions. Not just the obvious ones we routinely choose from.  I believe that each time we make a decision we set the direction our future will take.  If we take the time to actually think about an analyze each and every question, decision, action that we are faced with and actually, literally and truthfully look at these, there are many different answers, actions, choices we could make.  Some may not be easily seen or recognized because they are abstract and are outside of our norm.  When I am talking about our norm, this is actually our rational pattern that we have adopted, it is what makes us predictable and sort of defines us.  I think that if you are really wanting to change your destiny, outcome and fate, you must at times break out of your pattern of behavior, and think outside of the box, and take a different path then what has always been comfortable with you. 

It may also be easier to look at things from multiple perspectives when trying to make a decision.  Now, as I have pointed out our lifetimes are filled with decision points, way-points, milestones and how do we know which ones are the major ones.  The ones that are going to change our lives and re-write our fate, history and our future?  The answer is we don't! This is the honest answer, because I know sometimes it is easy to see where major concerns, questions, and paths can lead to different outcomes, but it is also my contention that the smallest decision can also greatly influence the path that you are one.  I do not believe that life is easy or was made to be easy at all.  That each question should be a challenge to our thinking and our pattern.

There are several schools of thought on this.  You have certain religions, that don't believe that the future is at all pre-ordained and that it is exemplified by us having free will. Unfortunately, I wish that was true.  Another school of thought is that of chaos, that all things originate and return to chaos.  I hesitate and think that they aren't exactly on the right path either.  I don't think that it is easy to see the future, and I don't believe that are path is written, I do however, belief that there are spots, in our lives that we have to face and go through. These are the portions of our history that are foretold, they are inevitable and are going to happen no matter what we do or how we plan around them.  It is from these points that our actions, reactions and choices dictate where we go next and how well we do.  Until we reach the next way-point or milestone.   The picture above is what I am referring to when I talk about this.  It says "Whats meant to be will always find a way", some of you may think that this is disheartening, that it takes away hope and faith.  But it actuality it should do just the opposite.  See, it is not only referring to the bad things and the tragedy's in our lives and future, but also the good things and the blessings we are going to receive.  

It is unfortunate, about Jessica Redfield and that she lost her life, but in a way using that picture above, I can sort of make some sense of this terrible tragedy.  See, and here you probably won't agree with me, but that is okay, because I am not expecting everyone to agree with everything I have to say, and I am just following a thought to a conclusion, whether it is right or wrong will depend entirely up to you. Because the truth of the matter is this, what may be right and true for one person may not be accurate and true for you.  That is the amazing thing about life and philosophy, and the spiritual journey that we are all on.  It is your own path and your own set of truths that are going to be revealed for you. Some of the things you learn on your journey are going to help you and others, and some aren't.  Further, what another person learns on their journey may help you and then again it may help everyone but you, because your walk is different from their's.    As I was saying, Jessica narrowly escaped the mall shooting in Toronto a month ago, only to find her life taken from her at a movie premiere.  I think it is sad and pointless for her to have died, but I do realize that maybe it was meant for her to have died, and so another way had to happen for it to take place. 

You may say how can you think like that, and that other people died too at the same time.  I am not saying that this was her fault or doing at all. I think that each of us have an allotted time and when our time comes, and death arrives to take us, it is our time and we must go.  I think that it was her time and that of the others that went with her, the circumstances of how and why it happened are terrible, and I won't pretend to understand the motivation of the man that committed these acts.  Because the truth is I don't really understand at all what would make another person feel comfortable with or even dream of hurting another person, much less taking their life.  Because to me Life is the greatest gift that we have been given, and we should protect it and guard it jealously, because it is the only one we get, and we should cherish it always.  

I know sometimes it might be hard to cherish life, especially if you are sick or have been hurt. But, guess what, I think it is at those times when we are truly vulnerable and can see our own mortality, that we are more appreciative and thankful for what we have been granted.  Jessica wrote in her blog something that is inspiring and very touching that I would like to also share with you, because I find that it is one of the reasons why I write to you and talk about all these things. She had written in her blog after the shootings in Toronto the following: "I was reminded that we don't know when or where our time on Earth will end."  Because it is true that we never know when we are going to die or even how, I suggest resolving conflicts in your life, never leave anyone with an angry word, and be honest and tell people that you care about how much you love them.  I know how hard it is to loose someone and not have the chance to say goodbye and reconcile things with them when you have parted on less then perfect terms and how you hold that shame and regret with you every day that you are alive.  

Please walk away from reading this with the understanding that I don't believe that any one future, is absolute, that I believe that when confronted with a choice, a way-point or milestone, there are an infinite number of solutions or directions we can take, and how we choose and the choice we make, dictate the direction our lives are going to follow.  There are only but single moments in our personal history that can be predicted, and those moments are what cannot be changed, and are what is meant to be. These are the task, questions, and decisions that we have to make, and if we follow suit in our own natural pattern, our future might be predictable and even seen.  However, if you routine, try to think outside of the box and change your pattern for the betterment of you and those around you. You constantly write and choose your own path and future.  There are millions of possible futures open to you, but only one leads to a bright, perfect and happy one.  Choose wisely and think through everything. Take the philosophers journey with me and explore the meaning of everything and question all.  Might be fascinating to learn the results.  

With all of that being said, I would like to leave you with the following thoughts.  "Shit happens!" and my answer to it is: "So what, Who Cares...Get over It!"  Trust me this makes life so much easier to deal with and to be ready to accept what is thrown at you.  

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do you know you are truly blessed? We all are...

Today has been a good day, and I have had a lot of time to think and write, which is a good thing and something that I really enjoy.  In my last post I was talking about immortality and how I think we should take the time and live in the moment and treat every day like is our last one.  But it got me thinking on how is it that I find it so easy to live day to day.  The answer is quite simple really, as I was  pondering this it dawned on me that in almost every single blog, I tell you to slow down, take time to enjoy life, that life is short, and that we need to live one day at a time, but I have never told you how I do.  It really isn't a secret, and something that honestly should be shared with you.

As most of you know I have been diagnosed with several terminal illnesses, and I had come home to Florida to basically die. Well, surprisingly enough things are changing and happening with my health that frankly have me extremely excited.  However, before I go into all of that, I need to get you on track with daily living and how to overcome those pesky bouts of depression, those lingering doubts, and inherent fears that we each face in our daily lives.  It isn't easy at first, and like I have told you it over and over again it is a matter of perception.  By perception, I mean the way in which you view the world and the circumstances that you find yourself in. I always try to keep in mind that I am human and I make mistakes, and that each day is a brand new day with no mistakes in it.  This means that I can start all over again tomorrow, and screw it up too because I have the day after.  Not that I intentionally plan on screwing up each day.  But it is a comforting thought to me knowing that when tomorrow comes I have a chance to start over fresh and do it the right way for a change.  I have also mentioned over and over again how people keep telling me how strong a person I am, how positive my outlook is and they don't understand why I am not mired down in depression and crying.  Again the answer is simple and when I tell you finally you are going to say " I should have thought of that myself".

In my life, I do sometimes give in to depression and bouts of wondering if I am doing the right thing, but you know what it is always very short lived. Because here is the thing, I cannot change what has happened, nor would I want to I think.  I have learned and met a great deal of people that mean a lot too me because of what I am going through.  I also like being able to talk to people about what is happening with me and explaining to them how they can overcome and withstand what they are going through.  I don't necessarily like when people look at me for inspiration, because guess what, I am human and as I have already admitted I make mistakes.  Plus, I have learned from experience that something that may be right for one person might not be the right thing for someone else.  So living as an example isn't always what it is cracked up to be.

But, back to the point, which is how to live day to day, with a positive outlook and hope for a bright and shining tomorrow.  My answer to this is a question "Do you know you are truly Blessed?" if you honestly do, then this is going to be a no-brainer for you and so easy to achieve.  Here is my secret, I wake up every morning and I count my blessings one by one.  I give thanks for those blessing and when I am done I am ready to face anything the day has to throw at me.  Because I can see each day when I open my eyes, how blessed I am, I know that I have been given another day of life, my aches are less this morning then the were the night before, and the list goes on.  Do you begin to see how this can make you feel so good, how you are receiving the positive energy of those blessings and you are thankful and joyful that you have been granted them.  How can the day look bad when you start it off like that. Trust me when you actually start looking for your blessing and start counting them you are going to see what I mean. There are hundreds maybe thousands of them that you have been given over your lifetime.  Count them, remember them, be thankful for them, and trust me nothing will compare to it.

I know you have heard the saying "look for the silver lining in all things" that is a very motivational thing to do, it is telling you to look for the good in everything that happens too you.  When you do that take the time to look for the blessing that is hidden there too because there always is one.  When you can see the blessing and the silver lining you will no longer see the negative side of things, your perception will be altered and all you will see is the positive that is coming your way.  Plus if you read any of my earlier writings you will find that positive energy attracts more positive energy in your life and before you know it there can be no negative around you.  Pretty easy huh?  I told you it would be and it is so straight forward.  You honestly have nothing to loose if you try it out and so much to gain by doing it.

All I want you to know is that if you live your life one day at a time, and live each moment like it is your last one. You are going to see that there is less stress, and problems aren't as impossible as they once seemed to be and your attitude and outlook is all going to change for the better.  Living a positive life and having positive energy is just the process of counting your blessing and being thankful for them.  Really that is all there is too it.

Nothing holds me down for long because I know how far I have come, what I have been through, and I see that tomorrow is going to be bright and shiny with hope, love, joy, laughter, compassion, friendship and so much more.  All because I see how I have been blessed.  I see what I have been brought through, and I know I am thankful for the Divine love and mercy that has been granted me.

Remember my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

You do realize that it is all up to you....Right?

Listen, we have been talking about life and the choices that we each make and how those choices and the consequences of them culminate in who we become.  But have you really thought about what I have been trying to tell you?  Do you realize that it is all up to you?  There are always choices to be made and directions we must walk upon, but what you need to understand is that no matter what the situation or the choice that you have to make, it is how you look at the situation that makes the choice you choose so vitally important.  This may be a hard for you to understand, but let me try and give you some examples to make it easier to understand.  For this we are going to start with the choice I made when buying the scooter and the accident that followed and the hurt that I am going through now.

It would have been very easy for me to bemoan what happened to me and lament about the money lost and wasted on the scooter, and I could wallow in regret and self-pity, but what good would it have done.  See, I knew the reasons behind why I bought the scooter even if no one else does, or agrees with them, it was still my decision and one that I feel comfortable with.  Now I know that there is extensive damage to it and it might cost me more money to fix the thing then I actually paid for it, but that really doesn't bother me.  See I chose to buy it for myself to give myself a little independence and self-reliance, enabling me to get around without having to depend or infringe upon another person.  I hate, having to burden someone else to get what I need done, so this was a big step in the right direction for me and something I was comfortable with.  I had no idea that I was going to get hit by a car, and I had no idea I was going to break my ankle, and just because those things happened doesn't mean that my decision was wrong.

As I was being carted off from the scene of the accident by ambulance I was joking with the paramedics and firefighters that arrived on the scene. This is my automatic defense mode that I take when I am hurting or when I feel regret or other useless emotions that would serve no better purpose, I make light of the situation and I feel better about what has happened.  This has been a defense mechanism in my life since I was a child and it has served me well. One would think that it was just another way of avoidance, but you know what it actually does for me, it helps me look at and focus on the positive things in my life, it gives me the strength to stand in the face of impossible odds and beat them back.  I could have looked at the wreck in several ways, and felt differently about it depending how I viewed the situation.  But I chose to look at it from the funny point of view, and with my crude sense of humor you can just imagine.  I told the paramedics, that after everything I have been through in the past couple of years with the cancer, the HIV, Hep C and Renal Disease and all the other things that are going wrong with my body that if someone was gunning for me and trying to kill me they were sure poor marksman, because they were getting everything around me but not me myself.

How we view a situation is just as important to how we deal with it as the situation itself.  Because our perception of the situation and our outlook is going to determine how we feel about it in the long run, and how we are going to handle the fall out and repercussions of the actions we decide to take. Now, my father was against me getting the scooter, but his main argument was that I was never going to use it.  Maybe I should have listened, because if I had I wouldn't have gotten hurt.  But I believe whatever is meant to be is always going to find a way to happen, so if it wasn't an accident with a scooter, it would have been something else, and I would have still gotten hurt and broken my ankle.  Plain and simple it was something that was in my path and something I am going to have to deal with an overcome. Now, the other way to look at this situation can be two-fold, see the Bible teaches that children are to obey their parents, and maybe just maybe I got hurt because I went against my father's wishes. However, I am not really inclined to believe that because my father never came out and said No don't buy it, he just kept saying I think you should reconsider, because I don't think you are ever going to use it.

No matter how the situation played out, I am not angry or disgruntled about the situation and I don't feel like I have wasted my money.  I know it is going to cost more to get it fixed back up, and I realize that it wasn't my fault that I was hit by a car that never stopped. I was doing fine and would have been fine without that slight altercation of the cars front connecting with my rear.  If you read my other blog entries about advice, you will note that I also learned some valuable lessons about riding a cycle, scooter or other 2 wheeled vehicle.  You have to know what you are doing and wear the appropriate attire and foot gear, it is going to make all the difference in the world.  I am also looking at this adventure in the light of nothing ventured nothing gained. I still own the scooter and yeah some repairs will have to be made before I can ride it again, but it is something I am willing to do, and if it isn't I still have the option of selling it off for parts.  Since I have been injured, broken ankle, there is no rush to get the repairs done and I can take my time and customize it anyway I want to, personalize it if you will and truly make it my own.

Overall, I believe that everyone needs to take a step back from every situation, encounter, or problem and evaluate it, divorce yourself from the emotions evoked by it and really look at it.  You need to be open and objective, and find the positive in it.  Work your way out from there with a solution and I guaranty you won't go wrong or feel bad about the decision you made.  In all things that we have been given by God the most important is "Free Will" the right to choose.  Our right to make our own choices, but along with that privileged comes the responsibility of facing the consequences.  We have to be strong enough and man enough to know that when we make a mistake we have to pay the piper, just like when we make good choices and decisions we get to reap the reward.  All I am wanting you to understand and realize from this blog entry is that if you come at any situation with a positive outlook and unfailing faith you are going to be alright.  You are making the right choice for you, and believe it or not, no matter what anyone else says, you are the only one that can do that for you.  So can't you see that it does come down to just you.  That no matter what you do, how you do, and the path you take to get there, those are all choices you can make for yourself. No one else can make them for you, because if they try it isn't going to work out.  You are the only one that knows your heart and mind and can make the perfect decisions for yourself.

Hold your head up high and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is always with you, He has your best interests at heart and He knows what you can handle and can endure and will never allow anything you can't handle to come your way.  You have angels all around you day and night watching over you, reporting on you and keeping you safe.  Like I said I could have been killed in the accident that happened on Tuesday and the worse that did happen was a broken ankle.  I know that I am blessed and protected, and I know that you are too. Have some faith and you will see. You are never tested or tried beyond your endurance.  Don't just take my word for it.  Try it out you will see, and you can find that and so much more in God's word the Bible.

I hope you all have a great weekend and start looking at the bright side of things, it is going to make accepting them so much easier, and when you can do that you can weather any storm because you have the knowledge that you did what you needed to do to look out for you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

What would you do if you knew the world was ending?

I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth.  It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time.  I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction.  Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise.  I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.

For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed  for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come.  You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to  trying to make my end come forth.  I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk.  I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril.  See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction.  In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison.  I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep.  I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.

Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity.  See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die.  Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C.  I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C.  But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.

What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me.  I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was.  These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen.  People started looking at me with eyes of respect.  Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight.  What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in.  I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught.  So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad.  I told him about my health condition and the severity of it.  He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.

I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places.  I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here.  I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need.  So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity?  I know that I do.  I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease.  I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.

Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs.  It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles.  You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them.  Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine.  They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you.  Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier.  Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone.  Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point.  Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.

So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending?  I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was.  I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me.  Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today.  I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me.  I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me.  I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.

Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B