Darkness falls on the world around me, yet I cannot find the peace I seek. Endless nights of restless slumber hasn't eased my mind a bit. I am bound to another and haven't found a place to call my own. I think sometimes that I will have to forever roam.
I often wonder what is yet to come, I have been through so much there isn't a whole lot that I haven't seen. But who am I to make a scene. Nurses, doctors all in a row, where will they stop I never know. Maybe I would be better off wishing for some snow. But no I live so far south it doesn't seem very likely.
Yet as I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Moon and stars they wink and laugh as I yearn for relief. But my favorite friend is the quiet solitude that enfolds me and keeps me yawning and awake. I often wonder what it will take for my mind to feel at ease and drift off to a soundless sleep.
Nothing answers my lonely vigil as I sit night after night watching the clouds, moon and stars. It is like the world continues to turn and I am left on my own with some sort of lesson yet to learn. I sing and cry, I howl and yell but get nothing in response to my agonizing wail. I sometimes wonder if I am actually in Hell.
Nothing lifts my heart of soul, I muddle through each day aimless and unaware of all that looms around me. It is as if I have lost my sense of will. Nothing placates the inner longing for the days of light and laughter that once were. It is the darkness that clings to me and keeps locked down deep inside this well. I have no hope for rescue, no one understands my plight. Even if I sprouted wings and took flight I don't think anyone would ever see.
I am invisible, restless and lonely me.
A spirit without shape or form, a mind but not a body, drifting floating weightless and hopeless. What business have I left undone? Why didn't I see the light? Something just isn't right! Yet, searching, hoping, yearning and burning I wander each and every night looking for that one thing that will bring me to my slumber.
I wasn't a bad person, I did good by others, I cried and prayed, and lived like they said, yet still I am here, wandering the night all alone. Is this the penance I alone must bear, to never see another soul. To drift and wonder as each night is torn asunder. No crash of lightning or boom of thunder shatter this waiting and hoping for an end.
Was I truly once a live? Did I really have a life or am I just a dream of someone else? Why is the night my home and why can't I ever venture far from what I once thought of as home? Can you hear me? I know you cannot see me, you ignore me as I watch you in your bed. Maybe I am not dead but a figment of your imagination instead.
I guess I will never know, wake up please and tell me truly do you know who I am? Am I you? Are you me? or am I something that is yet to be, or have I always been. These are the thoughts that plague me as I wander through the darkened night and soundless halls. All I see are the same four walls.
Will someone tell me what and who I am for I am at a loss. I don't even know what is real and what is not. I guess I am well and truly lost.
Invisible, alone, figment, spirit, ghoul, or haunt. Heaven or Hell I guess I will never be able to tell.
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label story. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Tiny Boxes
I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head. Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide. Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested. He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us. The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels. Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me. But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.
Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen. It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them. I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone. My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them. But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.
I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone. I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me. I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone. When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough. I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.
So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me? Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more? I don't think I will ever know. I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for. Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.
So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own. Just like you and I have. I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on. I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.
I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am. But so are each of you. We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do. I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing? I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around. Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there. Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.
Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There" and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.
We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen. It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them. I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone. My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them. But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.
I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone. I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me. I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone. When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough. I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.
So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me? Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more? I don't think I will ever know. I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for. Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.
So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own. Just like you and I have. I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on. I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.
I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am. But so are each of you. We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do. I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing? I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around. Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there. Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.
Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There" and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.
We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, March 23, 2015
Rainy Days and Sunshine
I have stood alone and faced the world for so long. All my worries and troubles had no one to share, so I carried my burden day after day.
Seemed like the dark clouds would pass me by, but every morning they hadn't gone. So I plodded on and on. I couldn't see what was around me because my life was shrouded in gloom. Often I would collapse at night in my room. I didn't know what was going to happen, I just knew that something had to give.
As my storm clouds circled my head, my feet kept going in circle round and round. I was doing the same things every day, no change, just the monotonous life, I was born to lead. Home, work, pay bills, eat and sleep and then start all over again.
I cannot tell you how many years have gone by locked in this endless pattern of wash, rinse and repeat. I had tried it all the drugs, the sex, the gambling, and even some dangerous stuff. There seemed to be no end to this rut I had fallen in.
Then one day you walked in, a breathe of fresh air, with that golden sunshine around you there. I blinked and stared and knew right then that you were where and what I wanted to be. I talked with you and walked with you. My grey skies and clouds were pushed aside. For in light no darkness can abide.
You were my friend, my companion, someone who was there to understand. We talked and laughed all the day through. My life had changed just because of you. But you know what is funny my dear, maybe I should whisper in your ear.
Your life was doom and gloom, before we met just as mine was. Yet, once we met I have seen nothing but blue skies and sun. My dull and boring life was now full of fun and life. I cannot tell you what you mean, you brightened my world what more can I say.
Now I wake to sunshine, you have chased my rain away. So here I have to say so long to my rainy days. It is you my friend who has brought it too and end. If you could only see what I see reflected back at me from your eyes you would be surprised.
So smart and sure, and confident you are, I envy you and wish I was more like you. You have come and left but my sunshine has remained. I can't thank you enough for bringing it to an end. Everyday I get to spend with you is so special a treat.
I pray one day that in the mirror you will see all that I can see that you can be. You need to have some faith in yourself, take your confidence and make a change. You can be so much more than your are. Though I am not sure you know who you truly are.
A friend to me is what you are, someone that I would like to be, who I wish could see the strength that I see inside of you. You do not quite yet comprehend who you will be when this journey ends. The wheel of time continued to turn and so the years went by you would come every so often into my orbit, never staying for very long.
I am older, weaker now, frail and injured weary of soul, and finally you have come. In the past I have helped a little never much because you always fled. I wanted us to be so more, but it wasn't meant to be. I am your guardian, helper, teacher, and even more important your friend. You are special to me, you came in my darkness and my stupor. You saw my aimless wandering in the gloom, you never ever knew just the impact you brought.
As I have learned as you have been gone, it was the spark of life you brought to me in my darkest hour. You rescued me. talked with me and healed me. It was you my friend that built me up again when the one before had plunged me into this deep and dank dark. You have built up my self-esteem, my confidence, and brought the sunshine back.
What can I do for you? I wish you would tell me true. I so envy you, but you are troubled and seem so alone, let me in I hate that you have had to roam so far from home to find a little bit of peace. I had promised you so long ago that I was your friend and I meant that till my end.
Do you really know and understand that you are truly my friend. A friend you see is more than just words, it is actions and deeds. When I tell you that I love you do you truly understand? Love is when you put another person needs above your own.
How can I relate to you what you truly mean? You don't even see your own self worth. I want you to stay, I want to teach you all I can, but I am not sure you understand. If you stay and learn the person you are will be changed for ever more. The more you learn the more knowledge you gain. You will learn in due time that wisdom comes from Age plus Knowledge. The path you seek is here indeed..
You chased my rainy days away filled my heart and my life full of sunshine. I have a hope an inner peace that wasn't there until I met you. Your friendship changed my life. An inner peace, an a thirst to learn. From the time I met you I have increased my knowledge 100 fold.
If you are sincere, but be aware, what I have to teach took me a lifetime to learn, you must be willing to put in the time. It will not be easy, you will want to quit, might hate me some but in the end you will have learned. I hope you can understand what all I have planned, and I hope you will stay this time.
Before now other things came in between, I don't want to let it happen again. Our time is finally at hand, what you choose to do with it is up to you. Take your time and decide, please don't turn and hide. I want this to be just for you and me.
You are once again here and I love you my friend. Remember it is till the end.
I hope you are my Best Friend
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Seemed like the dark clouds would pass me by, but every morning they hadn't gone. So I plodded on and on. I couldn't see what was around me because my life was shrouded in gloom. Often I would collapse at night in my room. I didn't know what was going to happen, I just knew that something had to give.
As my storm clouds circled my head, my feet kept going in circle round and round. I was doing the same things every day, no change, just the monotonous life, I was born to lead. Home, work, pay bills, eat and sleep and then start all over again.
I cannot tell you how many years have gone by locked in this endless pattern of wash, rinse and repeat. I had tried it all the drugs, the sex, the gambling, and even some dangerous stuff. There seemed to be no end to this rut I had fallen in.
Then one day you walked in, a breathe of fresh air, with that golden sunshine around you there. I blinked and stared and knew right then that you were where and what I wanted to be. I talked with you and walked with you. My grey skies and clouds were pushed aside. For in light no darkness can abide.
You were my friend, my companion, someone who was there to understand. We talked and laughed all the day through. My life had changed just because of you. But you know what is funny my dear, maybe I should whisper in your ear.
Your life was doom and gloom, before we met just as mine was. Yet, once we met I have seen nothing but blue skies and sun. My dull and boring life was now full of fun and life. I cannot tell you what you mean, you brightened my world what more can I say.
Now I wake to sunshine, you have chased my rain away. So here I have to say so long to my rainy days. It is you my friend who has brought it too and end. If you could only see what I see reflected back at me from your eyes you would be surprised.
So smart and sure, and confident you are, I envy you and wish I was more like you. You have come and left but my sunshine has remained. I can't thank you enough for bringing it to an end. Everyday I get to spend with you is so special a treat.
I pray one day that in the mirror you will see all that I can see that you can be. You need to have some faith in yourself, take your confidence and make a change. You can be so much more than your are. Though I am not sure you know who you truly are.
A friend to me is what you are, someone that I would like to be, who I wish could see the strength that I see inside of you. You do not quite yet comprehend who you will be when this journey ends. The wheel of time continued to turn and so the years went by you would come every so often into my orbit, never staying for very long.
I am older, weaker now, frail and injured weary of soul, and finally you have come. In the past I have helped a little never much because you always fled. I wanted us to be so more, but it wasn't meant to be. I am your guardian, helper, teacher, and even more important your friend. You are special to me, you came in my darkness and my stupor. You saw my aimless wandering in the gloom, you never ever knew just the impact you brought.
As I have learned as you have been gone, it was the spark of life you brought to me in my darkest hour. You rescued me. talked with me and healed me. It was you my friend that built me up again when the one before had plunged me into this deep and dank dark. You have built up my self-esteem, my confidence, and brought the sunshine back.
What can I do for you? I wish you would tell me true. I so envy you, but you are troubled and seem so alone, let me in I hate that you have had to roam so far from home to find a little bit of peace. I had promised you so long ago that I was your friend and I meant that till my end.
Do you really know and understand that you are truly my friend. A friend you see is more than just words, it is actions and deeds. When I tell you that I love you do you truly understand? Love is when you put another person needs above your own.
How can I relate to you what you truly mean? You don't even see your own self worth. I want you to stay, I want to teach you all I can, but I am not sure you understand. If you stay and learn the person you are will be changed for ever more. The more you learn the more knowledge you gain. You will learn in due time that wisdom comes from Age plus Knowledge. The path you seek is here indeed..
You chased my rainy days away filled my heart and my life full of sunshine. I have a hope an inner peace that wasn't there until I met you. Your friendship changed my life. An inner peace, an a thirst to learn. From the time I met you I have increased my knowledge 100 fold.
If you are sincere, but be aware, what I have to teach took me a lifetime to learn, you must be willing to put in the time. It will not be easy, you will want to quit, might hate me some but in the end you will have learned. I hope you can understand what all I have planned, and I hope you will stay this time.
Before now other things came in between, I don't want to let it happen again. Our time is finally at hand, what you choose to do with it is up to you. Take your time and decide, please don't turn and hide. I want this to be just for you and me.
You are once again here and I love you my friend. Remember it is till the end.
I hope you are my Best Friend
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, August 24, 2012
You just don't know, Do You?
You never know who you are going to meet when you wake up in the morning, nor do you know who might be watching you. I had a very fun and exciting experience this morning after my meeting with the Chair of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau. But before I get into my experience I will fill you in a little bit about what was discussed at my meeting which led me to today's story. Jeff and I had a meeting scheduled for 9:30 this morning to discuss our upcoming World's AIDS Day event and we each shared our vision of the performance that our group is wanting to perform to bring a greater awareness and understanding of the fears, stigmas, guilt and drama that is associated with having HIV/AIDS. This meeting was highly beneficial and our ideas were well meshed and in-sync with one another, and since I volunteered to outline the script and write it, we decided that I should run with the ball. So after this meeting I had a few errands to run before I headed home. Interestingly my car drove me right to the Ormond Beach Public Library so taking that as I sign I headed on in to the reference and information desk to find out where I could locate a book on plays and screenwriting. Since I have written things before, but never written a whole play on my own I thought it wouldn't hurt to have some references to look at while I am working on this project.
I wish I would have gotten the woman's name that helped me because my experience was of such delight and inspiration I am extremely thankful I ended up there. She took me right to the section that I needed and she asked me what I was writing about. An open door is all I need to go into who I am and the organization I represent, so I told her everything, then I also told her that I do work with cancer patients, survivors and their families. This is when she opened up to me and we talked about her mother and her mother's battle with breast cancer. We laughed and joked and it was an extremely meaningful interaction. Before I left she asked me for a card, which unfortunately I don't have at this time, but I will have some printed up soon. I am getting so many requests for one, I just need to have some in my wallet at all times. So what I did was follow her over to the information desk and I wrote out my information and while I was doing that she mentioned that she had a friend who was working so much, and didn't know anyone, and that he had no social life to speak of. Now, she told me he wasn't HIV Positive, which really wouldn't have mattered to me either way, but she also told me that he was dealing with the loss of his partner and needed to meet some friends. Well of course you know me I can't help myself when I learn of someone in need so I made sure I gave my email address, cell phone number, blog and told her to tell her friend to call me. I also told her about my friend who has been battling for his own life in a different manner, but how excited I was that he has agreed to come to Ormond to help me look for an apartment. I told her that I think it would be wonderful to meet her friend and guess what my friend and her friend have something extraordinary in common, both are song writers, musicians and performers.
What an amazing turn of events, how fortunate was I to run into her, that her and I would have a similar story. You never know who you might meet, where that chance meeting might take you. How by being open and receptive that encounter can impact other people's lives and change the direction and energy around them. My eyes were opened to this kind woman and her friend and it touched me and struck a cord in life on a very personal level. As much as I am dying to tell you all about my friend I made a promise that I intend to keep, so all I can tell you is that over the past year my life has been in turmoil. When we parted ways last August, I didn't know when or if I was ever going to see him again. I didn't know if we were still together or what the deal was. I had met someone in October but things didn't last, and when I got to Florida I thought that person might choose to come down here and be with me. However, with his situation as it was he couldn't or wouldn't whatever the case maybe. But, Facebook reconnected me with the one who left me last August in March after my big surgery and where I died on the table twice. So it was a big deal for me. I am rehashing all of this out so you can understand the immediate connection I felt with this lady and her friend. Once me and my partner reconnected via Facebook it would still be several months of talking and emailing and cellphone calls, etc. before we even broached the idea of our parting, and what it meant. I had no idea that he had a seizure and was in the hospital and that is what caused him to disappear, that he was scared and his family was across the country from where we were at, and he couldn't get a hold of me to let me know what was going on so he went home. Let me tell you that when he found out that I was sick and dying and scared he was there, he wanted to drop everything for me but due to his own physical limitations that was impossible right then. But we talked and decided that we had never broken up, that we still love each other and that despite the distance, and the illness we are going to make our relationship work.
As I am talking to this woman and hearing about her friend and his need to meet other people like himself that it struck me, with her friends recent loss and both me and my partner almost loosing one another because we both almost died that there was a definite connection there. Then after hearing how her friend was a songwriter, singer, musician and dancer and had just worked hard to open a dance studio, how there was another connection with my partner and me. I don't believe in random chance, I believe as you all know too well that people are put into our life for reasons we may never understand. But, we do realize that there is a need on everyone's part that can and will be fulfilled through that meeting. I learned years ago that you cannot go through life being shy and introverted. If you live in a shell you are going to miss out on the fun and excitement that this roller coaster called life has to offer. When I was young my parents moved me around a lot. Every two years I was starting a new school and having to make new friends. I really didn't like it and when they finally settled on the Orlando, FL area, I thought it was going to be just like every other time, so I stayed in my books and hid in my room. I didn't want to put myself out there in anyway, I did make 2 friends that were my neighbors, but that was it. On the first day of school I got on the bus, I was in the 8th grade and was assigned a seat next to this boy who would become a huge influence and impact on my life. His name was John Hope and from what I hear he is a stand up comic today. Which I can't say surprises me at all because he was such a great guy and a good friend. It was John Hope that got me out of my shell, taught me how to laugh, encouraged me to let my personality fly, to become outgoing and meet as many people as I could.
Here is a little insight about dear old Uncle B, I was a late bloomer, I had terrible hair, wore huge bulky glasses, but I was smart, funny, out going, and socially into everything and there was no one I didn't like or count as a friend. Oh I got my share of picking on, but something strange happened, even those detractors the ones who picked on me, I eventually won them over and made them my friends. I excelled in my studies, but also in my outgoing lifestyle. Which in tenth grade I would figure out that I was attracted to boy's and girls. Sorry Stacey I never told you. Maybe it was good that we broke up before prom our Junior year. Here, is the other thing, I didn't know which way my life was going to go. If you want to know more you can read my blog entry about the "Defining moment of my life" and you can find out a little bit more about my first male lover, David Hodge. Life would never be the same for me and I can tell you that by the time I graduated high school, I knew every single member of my graduation class, and I was friends with every single one of them. The popular guys, girls, cheerleaders, jocks, the nerds, preppy kids, you name it I knew them all. I was not in their groups per-se but I was a part of them. I was the social butterfly, a networker, which I have used successfully throughout the rest of my life. It worked when I was in the Navy, when I was in government work and even now in my advocate and activism work.
The moral of this long winded tale is this. I am looking forward to meeting Caleb, getting to know him and adding him to my ever growing list of long term, life long friends. Because folks I am a testament that the friendships you make can last a lifetime. Check out my Facebook and see how many people I have known for over 20 years. You never know who your life is going to intersect with, how your life and story might connect you with others in similar situations as you, who you can grow and learn from. We each need help sometimes to overcome the challenges life throws our way, and how our seeming chance encounters can change the course of not only your own life but all those that are around you and a part of you.
Remember everyone has a story, everyone likes to have someone else pay attention to them, likes to talk about their story and have a receptive person listen, empathize and even comprehend the depth of their pain and rejoice in their triumph. Never be too busy to give someone a few minutes of your time. Listen with open heart and an open mind, be receptive to their needs, understanding, sympathetic, and willing to talk about yourself. Show them how similar your situations are. You may be surprised that the life you save may be your own. That you may have had a need to share your story, to get it out there and by doing so helped you realize how to overcome whatever it is, or connect with someone that needs you as much as you need them. God is amazing and He works in mysterious ways. If you ever find yourself at a cross road and all the doors are closed, don't despair, take heart that maybe the reason why they are all close so that you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Everyone of us needs others in our lives that can understand us, can sympathize with us, who can guide us or we can guide them through the rough patches. Everyone has a story, a need or a desire that can be fulfilled. Only if you take the time to listen and understand what they are saying. Remember that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. You have to live, live, live. Take that chance to explore the tapestry and color of life. You will be glad you did.
As you can imagine, you never know who might be listening or watching you, but your life is a story, your history a tapestry, the world the texture and color that paints your portrait. Take the time to open yourself up, let the world see the light in you, hold out a helping hand and make new friends. Life is too short and too hard to do it all alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I wish I would have gotten the woman's name that helped me because my experience was of such delight and inspiration I am extremely thankful I ended up there. She took me right to the section that I needed and she asked me what I was writing about. An open door is all I need to go into who I am and the organization I represent, so I told her everything, then I also told her that I do work with cancer patients, survivors and their families. This is when she opened up to me and we talked about her mother and her mother's battle with breast cancer. We laughed and joked and it was an extremely meaningful interaction. Before I left she asked me for a card, which unfortunately I don't have at this time, but I will have some printed up soon. I am getting so many requests for one, I just need to have some in my wallet at all times. So what I did was follow her over to the information desk and I wrote out my information and while I was doing that she mentioned that she had a friend who was working so much, and didn't know anyone, and that he had no social life to speak of. Now, she told me he wasn't HIV Positive, which really wouldn't have mattered to me either way, but she also told me that he was dealing with the loss of his partner and needed to meet some friends. Well of course you know me I can't help myself when I learn of someone in need so I made sure I gave my email address, cell phone number, blog and told her to tell her friend to call me. I also told her about my friend who has been battling for his own life in a different manner, but how excited I was that he has agreed to come to Ormond to help me look for an apartment. I told her that I think it would be wonderful to meet her friend and guess what my friend and her friend have something extraordinary in common, both are song writers, musicians and performers.
What an amazing turn of events, how fortunate was I to run into her, that her and I would have a similar story. You never know who you might meet, where that chance meeting might take you. How by being open and receptive that encounter can impact other people's lives and change the direction and energy around them. My eyes were opened to this kind woman and her friend and it touched me and struck a cord in life on a very personal level. As much as I am dying to tell you all about my friend I made a promise that I intend to keep, so all I can tell you is that over the past year my life has been in turmoil. When we parted ways last August, I didn't know when or if I was ever going to see him again. I didn't know if we were still together or what the deal was. I had met someone in October but things didn't last, and when I got to Florida I thought that person might choose to come down here and be with me. However, with his situation as it was he couldn't or wouldn't whatever the case maybe. But, Facebook reconnected me with the one who left me last August in March after my big surgery and where I died on the table twice. So it was a big deal for me. I am rehashing all of this out so you can understand the immediate connection I felt with this lady and her friend. Once me and my partner reconnected via Facebook it would still be several months of talking and emailing and cellphone calls, etc. before we even broached the idea of our parting, and what it meant. I had no idea that he had a seizure and was in the hospital and that is what caused him to disappear, that he was scared and his family was across the country from where we were at, and he couldn't get a hold of me to let me know what was going on so he went home. Let me tell you that when he found out that I was sick and dying and scared he was there, he wanted to drop everything for me but due to his own physical limitations that was impossible right then. But we talked and decided that we had never broken up, that we still love each other and that despite the distance, and the illness we are going to make our relationship work.
As I am talking to this woman and hearing about her friend and his need to meet other people like himself that it struck me, with her friends recent loss and both me and my partner almost loosing one another because we both almost died that there was a definite connection there. Then after hearing how her friend was a songwriter, singer, musician and dancer and had just worked hard to open a dance studio, how there was another connection with my partner and me. I don't believe in random chance, I believe as you all know too well that people are put into our life for reasons we may never understand. But, we do realize that there is a need on everyone's part that can and will be fulfilled through that meeting. I learned years ago that you cannot go through life being shy and introverted. If you live in a shell you are going to miss out on the fun and excitement that this roller coaster called life has to offer. When I was young my parents moved me around a lot. Every two years I was starting a new school and having to make new friends. I really didn't like it and when they finally settled on the Orlando, FL area, I thought it was going to be just like every other time, so I stayed in my books and hid in my room. I didn't want to put myself out there in anyway, I did make 2 friends that were my neighbors, but that was it. On the first day of school I got on the bus, I was in the 8th grade and was assigned a seat next to this boy who would become a huge influence and impact on my life. His name was John Hope and from what I hear he is a stand up comic today. Which I can't say surprises me at all because he was such a great guy and a good friend. It was John Hope that got me out of my shell, taught me how to laugh, encouraged me to let my personality fly, to become outgoing and meet as many people as I could.
Here is a little insight about dear old Uncle B, I was a late bloomer, I had terrible hair, wore huge bulky glasses, but I was smart, funny, out going, and socially into everything and there was no one I didn't like or count as a friend. Oh I got my share of picking on, but something strange happened, even those detractors the ones who picked on me, I eventually won them over and made them my friends. I excelled in my studies, but also in my outgoing lifestyle. Which in tenth grade I would figure out that I was attracted to boy's and girls. Sorry Stacey I never told you. Maybe it was good that we broke up before prom our Junior year. Here, is the other thing, I didn't know which way my life was going to go. If you want to know more you can read my blog entry about the "Defining moment of my life" and you can find out a little bit more about my first male lover, David Hodge. Life would never be the same for me and I can tell you that by the time I graduated high school, I knew every single member of my graduation class, and I was friends with every single one of them. The popular guys, girls, cheerleaders, jocks, the nerds, preppy kids, you name it I knew them all. I was not in their groups per-se but I was a part of them. I was the social butterfly, a networker, which I have used successfully throughout the rest of my life. It worked when I was in the Navy, when I was in government work and even now in my advocate and activism work.
The moral of this long winded tale is this. I am looking forward to meeting Caleb, getting to know him and adding him to my ever growing list of long term, life long friends. Because folks I am a testament that the friendships you make can last a lifetime. Check out my Facebook and see how many people I have known for over 20 years. You never know who your life is going to intersect with, how your life and story might connect you with others in similar situations as you, who you can grow and learn from. We each need help sometimes to overcome the challenges life throws our way, and how our seeming chance encounters can change the course of not only your own life but all those that are around you and a part of you.
Remember everyone has a story, everyone likes to have someone else pay attention to them, likes to talk about their story and have a receptive person listen, empathize and even comprehend the depth of their pain and rejoice in their triumph. Never be too busy to give someone a few minutes of your time. Listen with open heart and an open mind, be receptive to their needs, understanding, sympathetic, and willing to talk about yourself. Show them how similar your situations are. You may be surprised that the life you save may be your own. That you may have had a need to share your story, to get it out there and by doing so helped you realize how to overcome whatever it is, or connect with someone that needs you as much as you need them. God is amazing and He works in mysterious ways. If you ever find yourself at a cross road and all the doors are closed, don't despair, take heart that maybe the reason why they are all close so that you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Everyone of us needs others in our lives that can understand us, can sympathize with us, who can guide us or we can guide them through the rough patches. Everyone has a story, a need or a desire that can be fulfilled. Only if you take the time to listen and understand what they are saying. Remember that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. You have to live, live, live. Take that chance to explore the tapestry and color of life. You will be glad you did.
As you can imagine, you never know who might be listening or watching you, but your life is a story, your history a tapestry, the world the texture and color that paints your portrait. Take the time to open yourself up, let the world see the light in you, hold out a helping hand and make new friends. Life is too short and too hard to do it all alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)