Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Aging Gracefully Under Pressure

As we get older it gets harder and harder to relate to others, and if we aren't careful we might end up all alone.  There seems to be an unspoken concesus in the world that we are supposed to act a certain way as we age.  Unfortunately, I seem to have not gotten the correct memo.  Because no matter how old I get I still like the things I used to like when I was younger.  I still like to read and write, and most of my other habits have remained relatively the same.  Though I have noticed that the older I get the less tolerant of certain things I become.  However, I believe that I have always had the same issues I just didn't speak on them like I do now.  It is my contention that the world around me might have changed but I have pretty much remained the same.  I am getting older this is true, but that doesn't make me any smarter or wiser, just experienced. 

What I can tell you is that life doesn't get any easier the older you get.  You still have the same worries and concerns that you had when you were growing up.  Bills still have to be paid, and you still have the family concerns but you have to add on new health issues that you didn't have before.   Next thing you know you are sprouting grey hairs in the most unlikely of places, such as your ears, nose and other unseemly places.  You also start to realize that you really don't have all the answers of the universe, and you begin to realize that your parents weren't so off the mark.  However, aging isn't something that happens all at once, it is a gradual change and your body seems to recognize it before your brain ever does.

Sometimes, I wish I would have listened more closely to the advice my parents gave me, but no I had to be a hard head and do things my way.  I didn't take their experience into consideration.  I just looked at it like every other kid, that my parents just wanted to control me and ruin my life.  Oh how I was wrong on those assumptions, because whether or not I cared to admit it most of the time they were just trying to help me avoid some of the common mistakes that they made when they were young.   Trust me when I tell you that I never thought that I would ever get this close to 50, but here I am just a sneeze and a wink away from it.  I used to think that being 45 or higher was old, now that I am there myself, I see that it is middle aged.  I honestly didn't really start living my life until I was in my late 20's early 30's,  and now I wonder what was the big deal when I was younger.

Growing old gracefully is something that we all should try to strive for.  Use our experience to help mold and guide others that are growing up behind us.  I remember years ago a dear friend gave me a pearl of wisdom and that was to stop looking for the impossible and the improbable, be happy with yourself first and everything else will fall into place.  Let me tell you that is easier said then done.  I still had all these preconceived notions of what my life was going to be when I reached the ripe old age of 45.  Guess what my ideas and notions were dead wrong.  I never in a million years would have imagined how my life actually ended up turning out.  I had no road map or guidebook to help me navigate the myriad of health problems that was going to plague my life. 

Hell at 28 I had a career, two houses, a loving partner, two dogs, a cat and 3 automobiles.  I never in my life imagined that cancer would come back into my life and rob me of the things that I worked hard to get.  I watched everything crumble around me.  How illness and disease drove a wedge between me and my partner.  In just a few short years everything that we had worked so hard to achieve and accomplish in our 12 years together, just disappeared like a dream.  It has taken me long time to come to grips with what had happened and how it all faded so quickly.  If someone would have told me that I should have looked at the situation from my partners perspective things might have turned out a lot differently.  But I never could quite put myself in his shoes, and I didn't realize until it was much to late, how powerless and helpless he felt knowing the pain that I was in and  being unable to help in anyway.  I watched how it robbed our relationship of it's vitality as I battled harder and harder to beat cancer.  

Though that was a long time ago now and he has moved on and is doing well for himself, I never once understood how solitary being sick all the time renders a person.  No one can understand what you are going through unless they have gone through something similar themselves.  No one will understand the pain that you have to endure as your body starts failing at the most basic levels.  Or how weak you would get from the treatments, and the dangers those same treatments were to you.  I have learned a lot over the years about myself, my body, and my illness.  I can pretty much diagnose whatever ills come my way now without a doctors help.  But, it is a journey that you have to make on your own.  Not one person is ever really going to understand all the things that you have to go through. 

Now that I am 47 years old and have gone through 4 major bouts of cancer, I can look back and see the stress and stain my illness has had on everyone around me.  I just wish I could have noticed it much sooner.  But, time marches on and I have lost quite a few good people from my life, I hope that they understand that I am thankful for them being with me and standing my side while I was going through the worst moments of my life.  I hope they understand that the support that they gave was exactly what I needed at the time.

I want you to know that as you age certain parts of your body suffer before others.  For some it is the joints, arthritis creaps in and stiffens you and is very painful.  Others their hips and knees give out and they end up having serious falls and spills that could potentially be life threatening.  Most people suffer from chronic pain and have to take medicine daily to function somewhat normally.  But there is no instruction manual no easy way to comprehend the changes that occur in your body the older you get.  You must be patient if others around you don't understand or sympathize with what you are going through, because they themselves might not even suffer from the same malidies that you are. 

My one piece of advice that I would give to you is this, be receptive to the feeling of others, put yourself in their shoes, and try to understand that because their circumstances are different than yours, doesn't mean that they don't care and hurt right along with you.  Aging is not something to take lightly, and trust me when I say to you that before you know it you are going to be exactly where I am at today.  One positive experience I have had was that I ended up in a skilled nursing facility/rehabilitation center for my back when 10 of my vertabrae fractured. I got to meet some very interesting people and I understand what it is like to feel alone and forgotten behind the walls of a home like that.   It is surprise how many individuals reside in these facilities that never see family or friends. 

It is sad that in today's society we would rather let someone else deal with our elderly loved ones than take care of them ourselves.  I spent 9 months in a facility and only had someone come visit me once a week.  I made it a practice when I had a vehicle to go up and see the people at the home every Sunday once I got out.  But, more and more people end up in these homes lost and forgotten.  Yet, what a store of knowledge they have, and experience and wisdom if we just took the time to reach out to them.  Eventually I will end up in an assisted living facility I think or maybe in a retirement community of some sort because of my extensive health issues, but I am not rushing into that situation until it becomes absolutely necessary.

As you get older you hope that you will have a better understanding of people, their motivations, the angles that they use and how to avoid them. Unfortunately, if you haven't learned how to tell if someone is running game on you before then nothing will change as you get older.   I have never been a good judge of character and life wasn't always easy for me, but through the struggles I have endured, I have become a more knowledgable person, and stronger than anyone could ever imagine.  Yet, to some people looking at my life from the outside they would probably think that I have had it easy, that things seemed to come naturally to me and that my life has been pretty amazing, outstanding and awesome.  For the most part I would agree.  I have met some really famous people and can call them friends, I have been in social setting where no matter my actual standing I always seem to fit in.  I have had some grand adventures and done the most amazing things during my time on the Earth. 

I have some great stories to tell, but that will have to be at some future time.  Aging gracefully is something you just do, it isn't something that  is taught in school, it is taught by life itself. From the moment you were born till the day you die you will always feel the pressure of your responsibilities, but that doesn't diminish your life and what you have accomplished.  Life is but a journey with many rest areas along the way.  We will never know how the story is going to end till we get there.  You are never to old to have surprises, and you will continue to learn and experience things.  Just be you, be happy, be confident, be pround, because every experience you have will continue to mold you and develop you into an extraordinary being.  You are growing, evolving, experiencing, learning, achieving new things the longer you are here on this planet.  You can't ever be replaced, because there is only one you. You are totally unique in everything you do.  Remember that!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tiny Boxes

I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head.  Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide.  Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested.  He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us.  The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels.  Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me.  But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.

Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen.  It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them.  I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone.  My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them.  But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.

I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone.  I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me.  I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone.  When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough.  I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.

So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me?  Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more?  I don't think I will ever know.  I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for.  Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.

So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own.  Just like you and I have.  I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on.  I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.

I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am.  But so are each of you.  We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do.  I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing?  I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around.  Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there.  Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.

Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There"  and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.

We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I used to look forward to the weekends....what happened?

Hey there my friends...I was thinking about this over the weekend and I realized that as I have gotten older I don't really look forward to the weekends any more and it got me to thinking about what had changed and why I feel such a difference today about weekends.  Another thing that has also changed is my perception of time.  I think one of the reasons why when I was younger that I looked forward to the weekends was because I was because school took up so much of my time when I was younger.  I am not sure why or how my perception changed but it did.  Time seems to have speeded up the older I have gotten, and there never seems to be enough time in my day now.

Think about it this way when you were in high school you had enough time to get your homework done and still go out and do things with your friends. Now, what has changed? The length of the day hasn't changed, there is still 24 hours in a day.  You usually spent 8 hours in school and you usually work an 8 hour shift at work.  Yet, you don't seem to have enough time to do everything you need to do.  So do you know what has changed? Your brain has changed your perspective.  Time its self hasn't changed you have.  As you age you feel and experience time differently.  As your mind matures you start focusing on different aspects of life than you did when you were a youth.  An adult worries and thier brains are perceive time differently.

I assure you when you get older time will seem to speed up and you will be surprised to find that your days and months seem to fly by.  You may wonder why that is from time to time, but it is because you are focused on bills, work and family and not on yourself and the things that you need to accomplish such as homework.  Adults have so many things that they have going on that they have to divide and spend time on each item.  We learn and use time management skills to deal with the myriad of responsibilites that we have to deal with.  As we get older our minds look and experience time differently.

Now, I dread weekends and the reason why is because I have so many things on my mind that I have to do and weekends throw my life out of wack.  Businesses are closed and I can't get things done like I can during the week.  Weekends used to represent free time and going out to the clubs and having fun.  But today I have too many bills and tasks that I am needing to get done and the lack of money to go out.  Once upon a time I loved hanging out at clubs and drinking. But as I got older I lost the desire to go out all the time and luckily I found someone who isn't a bar fly.

For some reason I look forward to the end of the weekend so that I can get back to the work week so that I can handle business and doctors appointments.  Especially now that I have become disabled. Maybe the reason why I dread weekends is because I can't get my medical stuff accomplished.  Also because they represent boring long days with nothing for me to do.  However, I bet if I had the resources to go out and do things my perspective might change how I feel about them.

Another thing that has come to my attention is that as we age our priorities tend to change and we look at things differently than we did before when we were children.  Now that doesn't mean that we cannot have a childlike mentality or even be childlike in our behavior.  Once we reach our teenage years everyone of us wishes that we are older and we often express a desire to grow up faster than we are.  Yet, each of us looks back at our lives at some point and wish that we had done things a little different. Or we wished that we had the knowledge that we have now back when we were younger.  It is true that we have to face the consequences of our actions and choices.  It is also true that the experiences we have and the paths that we have taken have molded us into the people we are today.

It is my belief that as we grow older and our responsibilites change and we experience more of life we look at things from the bias that we have gotten or the filters that were created by the choices we have made.  I also think that where we are at in life also plays a part in how we judge and look at things.  Just because I dread weekends doesn't mean you will when you get to be my age. Honestly I think if I were still healthy and had the same job or equivalent position making the same or better money than I was before my idea of weekends would be totally different.

Therefore to answer my question what happened to make me dislike weekends, I woudl ahve to say that it is because of my lack of resources and my financial situation. My health also plays a big part of how I feel and look at things today.  Please remember that you can change your perspective and look at things from a different angle and it could turn your life totally around.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Act your age not your shoe size

It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed.  I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others.  The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place.  I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster.  Unfortunately I was right.  While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it.  Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a  blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items.  While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight.  I have a one bedroom one bath apartment.  So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with.   Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay.  He sent me the question in a text message.

Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon.  I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him.  I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks.  If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title.  I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.

What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out.  It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl.  I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something.  Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now.  Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately.  I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.

Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense.  Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves.  Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older.  I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend that got a  girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it.  He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.

We all can act childish and foolish from time to time,  but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do.  These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.

Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away.  Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.

I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react.  I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old.  The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes.  It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date.  which I think is the key to this whole entry.  Maturity level is what this entry is all about.  See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.

I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are.  But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are.  You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them.  Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new.  You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on.  This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.

It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is.  See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.  But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are.  As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level.  Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete.  Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.

I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them.  Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly.  Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time.  You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break.  I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship.  i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star.  You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.

Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit,  or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with.  Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know.  It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.

Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere.  Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does.  So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level.  Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.

One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance.  You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Follow up on Aging

I know I just wrote about how aging really isn't all it is cracked up to be.  I was talking with my nephew earlier today and I was explaining to him that I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast, but I could remember everything that has happened in my past.  Even he agreed that it was hard to believe that so much time had gone by.  See, him and I went to Pennsylvania to help my mother take care of our adopted grandmother.  It is hard to believe that 5 years have gone by now.  To me it seems like it was just yesterday that we were up there.  I can remember the snow, the cold and driving my mom and her to doctors appointments.  How we would go to New York to go to the mall because that was the closest place to where my mother lived.

It is funny I was one of those people that never got sick when I was younger, and was serving in the U.S. Navy.   However, I wasn't even out of the Navy for four months when I was diagnosed with stage 4 large cell lymphoma.  Since that time my health has declined steadily over the years.  I had never had to take pills before, and now I am taking 23 in the morning and 20 at night.  It is awful having to fill up the pill box every week with all those pills. Not to mention having to take them daily.

My best friend and I also spoke tonight and he said something that caught my attention and made me think.  He said that he sees more now than he did when he was in his 20's. I think that is true, that our experiences and journey have enabled us to gather enough knowledge to finally understand what really is happening around us.  Another thing that I realized is that all the stuff that my mother scolded me about when I was growing up. The very things she told me would happen and when in my 20's I didn't believe her, I practically ignored her.  But guess what, as I got older and experienced more of life, it became clear that she was telling me the truth and was trying to save me from pain and hurt.  Too bad I didn't listen and follow her advice and instructions. See I was stubborn and had to find out the hard way.  I had to experience everything for myself, go through it and experience it for myself.

It doesn't matter who you are or what your status in life is, you are going to face the challenge of aging.  You are going to feel things that you never felt before, have pains in places that never hurt before.  Muscle mass will start to decline, and your bone density will also start to deteriorate.  Honestly the body starts to slow down and break down.  Your joints might start to hurt because you have developed arthritis.  You also start forgetting and losing memories, your concentration weakens, etc.

The one thing that remains constant is that your hindsight becomes 20/20 and you can remember stuff that you did and experienced from your past. You know exactly where you have been, you can see clearly the path you have taken.  What you can't see is what the future holds for you.  You might be able to make an educated guess by observing your past patterns.  Each of us functions in patterns and habits, so you can probably predict what and where you are going based on your past actions.  But keep in mind that the future is not set in stone, you can change your destiny by breaking your patterns or even changing your habits.

Life wears us down, our bodies slow down as we age, and our cells just can't repair all the damage that life and age has done to our bodies.  One minute you are healthy and young, and the next thing you know you blink and you are middle aged.  Close your eyes again and time will have continued and you are now old.  Our minds don't age as fast as our bodies do, like I explained in my article about Aging that I wrote a day or so ago.  Keep in mind that as you age time seems to speed up. Maybe it is because your body is slowing down. Or it just might be our perspective and how are brains receive and process things.

But the cold hard truth is that time speeds up, the body slows down, as your body starts falling apart.  I encourage you to live your life in the moment and experience life, taste the flavors, and textures of the world around you.  No matter what your age is, there is always more that you can experience and learn.  Make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak.  Take one day at a time and remember that nobody is perfect, we are just a work in progress that continues to learn and grow every day.

Getting older is no phone for anyone.  It sometimes take a toll on your body, sometimes not.  There is no discerning of illness, it can strike anyone at any time.  Take me for example I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 when I was diagnosed with cancer and told that I only had eighteen months to live.  I never thought I would see 40, but I have and I am still going.  Be who yourself and experience life's daily miracles and watch what you eat, exercise and maybe you will stay healthy your entire life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Aging is not all that it is cracked up to be

Many of you will not be able to relate to what I am about to say.  But, I have felt every year as it passed me by since I was 24 years old. See, I came home from the Navy at the ripe old age of 23 and right before I turned 24 I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. I went through several years of chemotherapy and radiation.  I lost years of my life just existing instead of truly living.

I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke.  It has taken me years to come back from it all.  But, this article isn't just about me.

My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother.  My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury.  My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.

I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years.  She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her.  Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes.  The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.

Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out.  I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before.  Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in  the same way that our exterior body does.  We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.

Time seems to speed up the older we get.  We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day.  Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day.  But tell me where does time go?  How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings?  Why didn't we notice it happening.  Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?

Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages.  How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are.  How does all of this reconcile as we age?  I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by.  I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.

I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this.  See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her.  It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe.  In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones.  It truly was my intention to come home to die.  Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.

It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that.  Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more.  Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility.  My health has declined and not gotten any better.  Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.

It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently.  Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness.  But, despite it all life goes on.

My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older.  Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club.  Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.

My tastes are changing just as I am aging.  I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders.  How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities?  I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships.  However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities.  I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.

The older I get  the more issues come up.  The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy.  But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us.  Some of you are way younger than I am.  Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you.  See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster.  When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.

My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can.  Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest.  Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage.  Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.

And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge.  No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.

Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.

Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Reflections of the past

Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's  of my life.  I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did.  Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?

These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta.  I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it.  They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you.   Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.

I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way.  I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.

See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused.  I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way.  I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer.  I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.

I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past.  Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!

It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move.  Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change.  It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away.  As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past.  Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.

I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature.  I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter.  When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want.  Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be.  I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.

I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends.  See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me.  So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.

Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more.  So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has.  I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward.  We shall see mon a'mi!

Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair.  Please don't let your fears keep you in place.  Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.

A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer.  I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him.  I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward.  I have to let go totally of the past and move on.  Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened.  Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.

Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment.  Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Never limit yourself

I am always amazed when I hear people saying things like "I don't like that" or "I can't be friends with you because you are too old".  I guess because it has never been said to me personally yet at this point in my life. See I guess I have what you call good genes, because I look younger than I am by ten years or so I have been told.  It doesn't hurt that I don't act my age, and on most occasions I am surrounded by people half my age.  But it doesn't just stop there, all sorts of people make snap judgments and stick with them as fact.  My brother and father do it all the time, they refuse to try something new, they say they don't like it but have never in fact tried it.  How can you know that you don't like something if you don't try it?  In my mind it isn't possible to not like something if you haven't tried it.  Making snap judgments may just keep you from experiencing something that is truly memorable.  When practiced on people it will cause you to build a false perception of someone, which when you finally get to know the person, that perception you created from your judgment shatters and you are forced to reevaluate the person under the new understanding of them that you have gained from getting to know them.

My advice to you is that you might find that if you are open to experimentation and adventure you are open to a whole host of new experiences and ideas that were once closed off to you.  Keep in mind that if you try something and you don't like it you don't have to go back or do it again.  But if you keep yourself closed off to new possibilities you might be missing out on living a full life.  For those of you who limit your circle of friends based on age, weight, looks or religion you could be missing out on meeting someone very special in your life.  See, I am a firm believer that everyone that comes into your life comes for a reason, either they have something to teach you, or you can teach them something, or they could be the best friend that you could ever have.  There is nothing saying in life that you have to like or date everyone that comes into your life, those are preferences and they are okay.  What I am trying to talk about here are friendships, casual relationships, not sexual ones.  Sexual relationships are a bit different because there has to be attraction, and something that you like about the person for them to happen.

Friendships are important and you need to be open and receptive to everyone that comes into your life. Because people are colorful, vibrant and bring depth and texture into your life.  I have told you guys before in past entries that you never know where a casual encounter can take you.  By limiting your scope of experience in trying new things, new people, and gauging them by limitations that you impose on them you run the risk of never getting to know true friendship and the joy of truly living.  You may even be surprised that once you get past your the limitations you imposed upon yourself, you might find that you like and are attracted to new things and different types of people.

I would like to remind each of you that age is only a state of mind. You are only as old as you think and feel you are.  Some young people tend to shy away from meeting and becoming friends with older people because they think that they will have nothing in common.  But you might be surprised how well you might get along with someone older, that you can talk to them easier and have more in common than you could ever have thought.  Further, especially in the gay community young people automatically think that when an older person approaches them that they are only interested in sex.  You might be surprised that it is the people that are your same age that have sex constantly on their mind.  Once you have sex with them, they are out of there, and in reality you had nothing in common with them at all.  Just because someone is older than you doesn't mean that they only want your body.  Yes it does happen sometimes, but most of the time they want get to know you, have been watching you and think that they might be able to guide you or offer you advice or want to help you.

As I was writing this it dawned on me that we allow ourselves to be limited by not only our own imposed limitations, but also the limitations put on us by others.  An example of that would be, that I had always wanted to explore my talents more, I was told by my parents that a person couldn't make money using their artistic abilities, and of course I believed them.  It wasn't until I was much older and had ended a career in Computer Information Technology field that I learned how wrong they were on that point.  I write now and do so full time, it started out as a hobby and has become so much more than that now.  Don't let other people dictate limitations on you, explore your creative side, enjoy life, and be passionate about what you do.  What you are going to find out by doing so is, that whatever you are passionate about, will make you happy and fulfill you in such away that you are going to feel good about yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that money is going to find and follow you if you follow your heart and your passion.  People are going to see it in your work and feel it when they are around you and that is going to draw income towards you.

Life is too short to arbitrarily dismiss something because you are unsure, or someone has told you something. You owe it to yourself to go out there and explore, try something new, be adventurous, and if there is something that you find that you don't like, or aren't into, then by all means don't pursue it anymore.  Like I said when I started this entry you can't alienate someone because you think they are too old, too fat, too nerdy, or whatever other criteria you impose on yourself and them.  Because believe it or not if you give them half the chance they might surprise you and bring something into your life that you never thought possible.  Again, I am not saying that you have to sleep with them, but to discount them off hand without giving them a chance or the benefit of the doubt is limiting to yourself and cutting yourself off from their wisdom, experience and of course their friendship.  Take a chance, not everyone that is old, acts old, or is actually old.  Some young people may have old souls and seem mature beyond their years, are you going to eliminate them too?  Keep in mind that every person you meet, every encounter that you experience and adventure you embark upon you can learn and grow from.  Life is a series of growing spurts.  I was young and foolish once and thought that I would never have friends older than me.  How wrong I was about that, and I think back on some of the decisions I made and wonder what kind of friendships I might have nurtured and cultivated if I had just been open and receptive to trying and experiencing new things. Have you ever heard the term don't knock it till you try it.  That goes with food, adventures, people, new things and everything else in life.  How are you seriously going to know if you don't like something if you never get out there and experience it or try it.

I can tell you now my eyes are open, and I am friends with everyone. I don't make snap judgments these days, and I have friends of all age ranges and I am a happier more rounded person because I do have them in my life.

Give a person a chance, get to know them, see for yourself what I am talking about.  I think you will thank me that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B