Why others lose faith in us

When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness.  I often talk about being a person with integrity,  strength of character and honor.  These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.

A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit.  Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild.  Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to,  it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.

Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person.  Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal,  however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed,  it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.

With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other.  The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient.  I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason.  Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.

Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions.  The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.

Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken.  It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.

Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately,  expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person.  Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else.  But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else,  unless they allow you to.  You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning.  I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.

So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.

I really hope that this helps you out there,  I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything.   Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Aging is not all that it is cracked up to be

Many of you will not be able to relate to what I am about to say.  But, I have felt every year as it passed me by since I was 24 years old. See, I came home from the Navy at the ripe old age of 23 and right before I turned 24 I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. I went through several years of chemotherapy and radiation.  I lost years of my life just existing instead of truly living.

I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke.  It has taken me years to come back from it all.  But, this article isn't just about me.

My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother.  My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury.  My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.

I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years.  She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her.  Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes.  The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.

Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out.  I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before.  Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in  the same way that our exterior body does.  We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.

Time seems to speed up the older we get.  We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day.  Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day.  But tell me where does time go?  How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings?  Why didn't we notice it happening.  Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?

Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages.  How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are.  How does all of this reconcile as we age?  I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by.  I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.

I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this.  See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her.  It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe.  In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones.  It truly was my intention to come home to die.  Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.

It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that.  Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more.  Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility.  My health has declined and not gotten any better.  Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.

It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently.  Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness.  But, despite it all life goes on.

My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older.  Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club.  Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.

My tastes are changing just as I am aging.  I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders.  How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities?  I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships.  However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities.  I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.

The older I get  the more issues come up.  The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy.  But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us.  Some of you are way younger than I am.  Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you.  See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster.  When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.

My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can.  Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest.  Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage.  Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.

And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge.  No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.

Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.

Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You don't know the mind of others.

I have been talking to you about a lot of things, but one of the things that I wanted to bring to your attention is that we never truly know what is going on behind the eyes of a person.  So how can we possibly understand their intentions and motivations.  Lately, I have been asking myself, "what is going on with my relationship?" I truly understand the concept of closing down and isolating oneself to deal with a crisis or situation.  But, then there is the other side when someone is reaching out to you practically begging for you to call them back that you have some information for them.  Still nothing, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words.  Several weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that things weren't working out well with him being all the way across the country for me and that we needed to do something to fix that. So when my parents told me I had to move and that I didn't have a whole lot of time, I figured this was a sign, that it was time to build a home for the two of us.  Still can't reach him.  This got me thinking about words, actions, and motivations and intentions.  See anyone can say words, it is the actions that prove the words, but let's look a little more closely, even the actions can betray us. See, what really matters is the intention and motivation that have prompted the action, if you are honest and truthful with your partner they should be in return.

Unfortunately, not everyone is as straightforward and honest as we would like them to be.  There might be some ulterior motive that has prompted them to do or say something.  So how do we really honestly know what another person is actually thinking and if taking the risk of getting close to them is going to be worth it or not?  This is the bitter reality of the situation, unless you can have absolute trust in the person, you can never be sure.  Honestly, I know that isn't what you want to hear.  But seriously if there are some doubts in your mind about this person there has to be a reason for them.  Trust is something that takes time to build and if something hurts it or destroys it, it may never ever fully be restored with that person.  Sad, but true, and you have to be careful with whom you share your trust with, just because it is so fragile and can very easily be broken.

I tend to believe in the goodness of people, and I take them at face value, so their words are gold to me, and in most cases that has paid-off, however, there have been a few times when I took someone at their word, trusted them and ended up getting hurt far more than I should have.  Trust is a two-way street, as I said it has too be earned, and can be easily broken or damaged, but you have to earn the other persons trust and faith in order for it to truly form between the both of you.  If you trust someone, yet they have some concern about you, and don't feel that they can totally trust you, they will not be honest and confide in you. So their true honest intentions and motivations will be hidden from you.

Today I posted on my Facebook page that I am a magnet for trouble, it seems to follow me where ever I go, and no matter how cautious I am I still seem to find it.  Now, in this particular instance I am referring to some friends of mine.  One of them still lives in Atlanta, and he is in a relationship with another friend of mine, now last night I got a message on Facebook asking me if I could help him get his cellphone back on.  Realistically I don't have the money to help him out at this time, but I do get paid on Thursday and if I can swing it I will probably help him out. However, thoughts crept into my head as I laid down last night, like why wasn't he asking his boyfriend for help?  Why is he coming to me in the first place?  I went back this morning and re-read the email to make sure that I didn't miss anything.  Like an important detail or reason that I may have overlooked because I was extremely tired.  There wasn't anything more too the message.  I am glad that it was worded asking me to get him a Boost card for his phone instead of sending him $50.00.  Because if he had asked for cash I would have thought he meant to spend the money on drugs and not on the phone.

However, the question still remains, why me?  I am hundreds of miles away, and in the middle of moving and dealing with my own drama and medical stuff here.  What is the whole story and what are the motivations behind the request.  I have another friend that is trying to re-establish himself and is looking for a new place to stay.  He keeps telling me that if he can't find anything on his own where he is at, that he wants to come here and be my roommate.  Well, been there and done that and I can't afford the additional drain on my finances at this time.  I have encouraged him to continue to search where he is at and then pointed him in the direction of some help, because he is HIV positive there is a program called HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons With Aids) they should be able to help him get in somewhere and get him set up.  Plus there is his drama that is going on with his boyfriend and I have been on the phone with him constantly for the past 2 weeks offering support and advice, but that is all I can do at this point.

I also spoke with my best friend last night and told him a little of what was going on with me and my situation.  Medically and with the housing thing, and what he told me is that this is a time that I need to be by myself and regroup. Refocus on me and my needs, my health and situation, stop worrying about others for a little while because, where was everyone when I was homeless and on the street in Atlanta?  How many reached out their hand and offered me help?  He also pointed out how far I had come and accomplished in just 8 short months.  That I needed to stay on track and point and move forward, concerned with just myself at this point.  It doesn't mean forever, but until I get past the next major surgery and Hep C treatments which are going to weaken me and make it hard for me to care for anyone else at this point. Good advice according to the ID doctor at the VA that I went to see this morning.  Because the way that they treat for Hep C is by using chemotherapy and apparently I am going to very weak and sick during it.  But he thinks that it is a necessary treatment and that I will be able to get through it with minimal risk if I just keep free of stress and worry.  Which means not adding anyone one else into the mixture.

On top of all of this I have just moved into a new place, and I want to take my time and get it set up the way I want it.  If I reach out to help all these friends of mine that keep hitting me up for money there is no way I am ever going to get furniture, get the repairs done on my car, or be able to afford my living arrangements that I have made.  To top that off, I got a text message from my boss telling me that she needs to talk to me and not to come into the office till I talk to her.  Well, as you can imagine that has me slightly worried, I am wondering what I could have done to get a text like that. Am I in some sort of trouble? Have they decided that I am just not working out and that they need a different person in there?  I am sure that whatever it is I will definitely find out when she calls me back. I have tried to leave her a message but she was on the other line and her voice mail is full on her cell.  Regardless of the outcome, I know that I am safe in my new home, that I make plenty of money on my disability to cover the rent and have no worries there.  I took the job because I was bored at home and I wanted something to do that would give me a little extra, since I took on the burden of a car with payment and car insurance, cell phone, and internet service, I figured a little extra wouldn't hurt so that I wasn't strapped for cash or groceries each month.    We shall see what comes out of this currently.  You would think that if they were going to fire me that they would want me to come into the office and do it face to face, versus over the phone, second why would she tell me not to come into the office till I talked to her that there is an indication that I should be coming into the office after our discussion, but the circumstances might have changed.  Again whatever will be will be and not something that I am going to worry my pretty little head over right now.  Besides which God is on my side and I am going to lay it at His feet and let Him deal with whatever crisis it might be.

Keep in mind that there is usually more to the story and situation than you know.  You don't have all the information so how can you figure out a solution.  Second, people rarely disclose their true intentions too you unless they are very close to you.  You have to judge their behavior and actions to see if whatever their ulterior is, that it is beneficial too you and not harmful.  Most people, like it or not, use others to achieve their own agenda.  As long as it isn't hurting you and is mutually beneficial to you, I would say go for it. However, if it isn't and you see a potential for hurt or loss, then I would suggest mitigating your risks. Which we talked about last month. It is important to take as much risk out of the equation as you can so that you come out in a better position.  This works with friends, acquaintances and lovers, not everyone is going to tell you the truth all of the time.  Maybe not even some of the time and you have to learn how to read them. Know when they are running game on you, then mitigate the risks involved before you go any further.  As I said I don't know what is going to happen with my relationship, but I am hopeful that he realizes that I do love him and that I am working hard to prove that.  Not only do my words and actions reflect one another, my intention and motivation is just so that we can be together.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How fragile life is and how wondrous it can also be!

Yesterday in my blog entry I mentioned how I realized how fragile and precious life can be.  Some of you maybe wondering what I meant when I wrote that. So I thought I would discuss it a bit further so that you have a better understanding of what I mean.  See as some of you are aware from following my blog since the beginning, I have been battling cancer and leukemia for a little more than 20 years now.  This has been a long and hard battle, and one that I can honestly tell you I have been winning though there have been setbacks and changes to my life that have been earth shattering to say the least.  But, here I am still alive and writing to you about the adventures that I have been upon.  Life has been sort of kind and yet cruel to me at the same time.  The battle began in the summer of 1992 when they found a large tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide, with serrated edges and ulcerated down the middle.  I underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments and the tumor eventually vanished.

I went on to college and got several degrees, and journeyed to Atlanta and started a new life. I landed a great job right after school with the Georgia Department of Revenue.  I was there till I started having the same symptoms all over again.  This was in 2005 when it all began, and it got worse as the years went by. I ended up having to have parts of my large intestines removed and several parts of my small intestines.  An ileostomy was performed to save my life, the input of which is very close to the output of my stomach, so for years I have had a problem gaining weight and maintaining it.  Now years have gone by and I still have the bag attached to my small intestines and though it has saved my life, it has complicated it as well. See being a gay man I have the fear that I will not or can not be accepted by the gay community and gay men in general.  See sex has become very complicated and not to mention the scars and the bag that cause fear on my part.  They also make others uncomfortable when they find out about it. Now, it doesn't change who I am but it has made me reluctant to open up to others, the fear of rejection is high on the list of my fears and phobias.

To complicate matters in 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and the medication that I was put on immediately caused damage to my kidney's and has made life a bit more interesting to say the least.  Since 2008, I have found that having the ileostomy causes my body to dehydrate faster than a normal persons because my waste is fully liquid all the time in the bag, add in the fact that my kidney's are impaired and you come up with renal failure and end stage renal disease.  I have been hospitalized a lot because of this impairment, including recently in September when I visited 2 different hospitals and had to have fluids and potassium added to my body via IV.  Not a fun experience to say the least.  Now, further in December of 2011 I had a kidney stone, which caused a lot of problems.  Bladder infections, lodged kidney stone in the ureter tube, repeated hospitalizations and eventually a stint was put in to make it easier to urinate.  The stint was left in place till February when it was finally removed, come to find out the stint should have only been left in place for 30 days, and in my case it was in for a little more than 60 days.

Last week I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday.  A cyst had formed on the left kidney, when it was found it was 2mm by the time they got the drain put in to drain it, the size had grown to 8cm. They were able to drain 40mL of fluid from it.  Luckily there was no sign of bacteria or infection in the fluid that was extracted from the cyst.  Battery after battery of tests were given and still no answer to why the cyst formed and if it would come back again.  My biggest fear is that when they removed the stint back in February, I believe that tissue had grown around the stint and when it was removed I believe that a small tear formed and that is where the fluid is coming from.  I am now wondering what can be done to correct the damage that was done. But, it doesn't change the fact that life has thrown yet another curve ball at me that I have to deal with.

What I want you to understand that I had 10 years of good health before I got ill again, and during that time I built a life, a good one and made a lot of money.  But, when I got sick again, I watched how quickly it could all be taken away from me.  I learned a lot of things during this time and that is why I started writing this blog, to help others overcome the trials and tribulations that life throws at us.  When I moved home in February, I had no idea that in March I would be faced with death and that an emergency surgery had to be performed.  2012 has been a year of hospitalizations and death seems to have been lurking around every corner for me. Even as I write this tonight it feels like the fluid is building back up in my pelvic region again. I am hoping it is phantom pains but my luck hasn't been running so good lately.  The only other change was the my HIV medication, we changed to a whole new regimen over the last week and this is the second time that this has happened since I started the new meds.  I am hoping that when I go to my follow up appointment with my surgeon he will have some other ideas that he can throw out at me.

Now what I want you to realize is that life is fickle and can throw you many curve balls when it comes to your health. One minute you can be healthy and the next you are sick. Then you could be like me and battling a whole series of terminal illnesses and putting the medical profession on their toes with the amount of care that is needed to just keep me going daily.  But the up side to all of this is that life is what you make of it.  Health is an important factor, but it isn't the only factor that you have to take into consideration, you need to choose those things that make you happy as well, because life is fleeting and precious. You have to take the moments that you are given and live them to the fullest, and if you happen to miss some of the moments, take the time to create your own. In the long run you are going to be glad that you did.  Never miss the opportunity to tell your loved ones how you feel about them, and don't hide your feelings or keep them bottled up inside of you.  The reason why is you never ever know when your last moment on this earth is going to be.

For years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside of me, and I was on a hair trigger and the least little things would set me off.  This didn't make it easy for those that were trying to be in a relationship with me, and it certainly didn't make it fun being my friend.  I have since learned that every moment is a gift that we are given, we are not guaranteed another day on the earth, so be sure to express yourself truly, for there really is no greater crime then missing out on something because you were to afraid to let someone know how you really felt about them.  You may not even realize it till it is too late and they have moved on, but what does it hurt to let them know how you felt or feel about them. You never know your chance may come around again.  What I am hoping that you will take away from this blog entry is that you need to utilize the time you are given and excel in the things that you love, leave behind the things that you don't. Be yourself always and express your desires openly, do not be afraid.  One thing you will learn is that rejection is part of living and if you never take the chance you might miss out on some very good opportunities, not to mention the love of your life or even possibly your soul mate.  Keep in mind how fleeting and fragile life is, know your body, get to know when you are not feeling right and act accordingly. Don't be like me and wait till the last possible second to go to the hospital, because even though I have been lucky so far, my time might just run out while I am second guessing myself.  There have been so many times when I have gotten to the hospital at the nick of time, where the doctors have told me and my partner that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. Be responsible for yourself. Be true to yourself and others, you owe them that much.

Another thing that I have learned along this journey that I am on is that there is never a good reason to lie, and life is too short to have to keep up with different stories, stick to the truth, it will get you further in the long run, and if people are truly your friends they are going to get angry with you for pointing out their flaws and shortcomings but in the long run they are going to thank you for your honesty and appreciate you all that much better.  I don't know what life has in store for me at this moment in time, but I can tell you that I plan to live whatever time I have left happily and without regrets and express how I feel to others, no matter what the cost, because I will tell you I have made mistakes in the past and I don't want to miss out on one minute of happiness in my life from here on out.

In the ten short years that I had of health after this whole thing started I had a life, a real one, full of laughter, anger and pain, and I let obsession for more money, more things cloud my judgement. I threw away the things that made me happy and I tell you I won't make the same mistakes again. A person can live a full and happy life in just ten short years. You can accomplish so much and if you are focused and dedicated you can build a whole lifetime into that little span of time. I know I did and I am glad that I had the opportunity and the experience. I know one day soon I will be healthy again, I just know that the Lord wouldn't have brought me this far to bring me home now. I still have so much to do and more to explain to the world before I am ready to cash it in for the pearly gates.

So take it from me, you can do a lot, but you have to take ownership of your health, be responsible, know your body, be proactive, and let me stress yet another fun fact that you might not know, 3 out of 5 people today are walking around not even knowing that they are affected with HIV/AIDS. They have no symptoms and feel fine. So know your status, get checked often and be proactive about your care if you do find out you are ill.  Knowing as they say is half the battle, and to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B