You may be wondering where I have been for so long and why I haven’t posted anything? Well I have been in and out of hospitals and recovering from all sorts of medical issues, then there was the fact that I lost everything that I owned that was up in Jacksonville. I may never find out what really happened to my stuff, I just know that what I was told seems highly unlikely to have occurred and I am saddened that I lost a friend over stuff like that. However, may the stuff that he has of mine serve him well as he embarks on the new journey of his life.
I just know that I was stuck and had no help out of my situation and was constantly in and out of the hospital. He didn’t bother to come and see me or try to find out what was happening with me, he just turned his back and blamed everything that happened on me and walked away. He made me very uncomfortable the last time I saw him anyway, and his behavior really left questions in my mind as to his real thoughts and intentions. With that being said it is time for me to move on and explain why I haven’t written in my blog in so long.
The truth is that I have been writing and it is all down on paper in a 3 ring binder here on my desk. But since I didn’t have a computer I had no way to get the information into the blog like I normally would have. But I have stuff dating back to my final day in the hospital back at the end of July. I have been in Orlando exactly a month and I have to say that I am in a much more stable environment than what I had been in. Already everything that I lost except for the car has been recovered. I have gotten a new bed, a new computer, a new laptop, my iphone service turned back on, an ipad as well as an android tablet.
There are some things that are different though, I am away from Daytona and the influences of the people there, which in my case is a good thing. I couldn’t understand why I kept ending up in the hospital and why my kidney’s and blood pressure kept failing. Come to find out that the major artery to my heart was almost 85% clogged and I had to have a heart catheter and angioplasty to fix the blockage. So on July 15th I had heart surgery. It was scary, but several good things came out of having that surgery, immediately following it my blood pressure stabilized and I stopped having the dizzy spells and seizures that I had been having prior to the surgery, and my kidney function improved almost back to normal levels. Indicating to the doctors that I may not be as close to dialysis as they had thought.
But since I couldn’t get online and give you regular updates I decided to sit down and do it today. Just last night I was writing in my journal and was talking about what I was thinking about my future and weighing my past. Something that I have been doing all week actually and most of the posts that I am about to type up are regarding that same issue. But today was a beautiful day full of sunshine and no rain as of yet. Which is something of a change in weather for what it has been like around here since the first day I arrived.
No matter what I am headed on the right path at this point, God has given me back all that I have lost and then some. I am even doing well enough that I feel I am at a new point in my life and can honestly say that I have a future. I have wrapped up many of the loose ends that I had left in Jacksonville, paid off the bed that I no longer have and the frame, I also got my checking accounts straightened out and I have gotten myself back into care with the VA and got my medicare straightened out. All and all I am very happy with my progress since I have been here. But, seeing as I had no other options, and the person who I was staying with and considered my friend turned me out like that, claimed that he had changed the locks and told me that I wasn’t welcome back there, then just a week or so later text me saying that everything I owned was lost that supposedly the landlord had evicted us and my stuff was on the side of the road and gone.
I know that this is not the real truth, it may have some factual basis, but being a retired attorney I know that there is an eviction process and that with me being in the hospital in intensive care my roommate could have used that and gotten an extension, he could have fought the eviction and won especially since he just suffered the loss of his partner and then I had the heart attack and was in the hospital. But No everything that me and my ex had left up there is either gone or he is using at his own. Either way it is on him. I know that my situation was extreme and I had people lying too me, stealing from me, and literally trashed my bank accounts, credit cards and the whole nine-yards. But, that is all in the past and I am in a better place with all new things and life is once again sunny.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Saturday, I woke up a little tire and a bit sore, but that quickly passed and once I got out and was able to enjoy the sun I felt so much better. So much so that I am sitting here now typing to you telling you all about it. I am still having some minor chest pains, but I see the cardiologist next week again and hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on with my heart and why I am still hurting after all this time. I sure hope that it isn’t another heat attack coming because the first one was very scary and totally unexpected.
Anyhow, I hope that you have a glorious Saturday like I did. I am going to start typing my past entries into the journal. Though they are not actually going to be posted on the date they were written. I will make sure that I put somewhere the date that I wrote them, and hopefully by Wednesday I will be caught up enough and will be able to keep writing almost daily and let you know what is happening and going on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label betrayal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label betrayal. Show all posts
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Monday, November 23, 2015
Why others lose faith in us
When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness. I often talk about being a person with integrity, strength of character and honor. These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.
A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit. Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild. Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to, it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.
Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person. Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal, however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed, it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.
With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other. The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient. I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason. Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.
Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions. The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.
Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken. It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.
Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately, expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person. Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else. But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else, unless they allow you to. You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning. I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.
So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.
I really hope that this helps you out there, I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything. Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B
Friday, March 20, 2015
Wrong turns and uturns
For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character. I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around. I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened. Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are. My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.
Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover. I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus. I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place. But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing. I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time. My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt. He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.
I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings. That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family. Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.
How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process? How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else? I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him? Am I a friend? I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.
It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around. My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns. I want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again. I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.
I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me. I have failed before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves. They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship. Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of. He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all. I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.
I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return. I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance. However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away. Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.
So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume. So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly. That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.
What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years. I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path? Am I going to always walk this path alone? Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life. For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.
Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for. It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend. But, it didn't happen and it won't. I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.
So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again. I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure. Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.
I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend. It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke. He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.
Break that pattern before it breaks you. Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events. I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.
Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt. I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again. I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway. So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.
I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover. I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus. I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place. But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing. I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time. My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt. He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.
I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings. That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family. Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.
How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process? How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else? I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him? Am I a friend? I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.
It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around. My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns. I want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again. I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.
I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me. I have failed before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves. They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship. Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of. He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all. I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.
I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return. I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance. However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away. Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.
So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume. So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly. That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.
What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years. I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path? Am I going to always walk this path alone? Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life. For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.
Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for. It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend. But, it didn't happen and it won't. I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.
So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again. I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure. Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.
I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend. It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke. He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.
Break that pattern before it breaks you. Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events. I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.
Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt. I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again. I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway. So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.
I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, February 22, 2015
The weight on my chest
They keep telling me that life is what you make of it. I have yet again taken a wrong turn and before I realized it I was back to where I started.
It is sad when you really like someone and they take advantage and end up pretty much just used you. You know it used to be that way in my life not to very long ago. There was always and excuse or false hood that had been concocted and I would allow myself to be dragged in.
Ulterior motives, hidden agendas, and pretty much the norm these days. This new generation feels that they have to hide what is really going on.
I am hurt, betrayed, angry, frustrated, and laughing and crying at the same time. Why not just tell me that you want to party and have some fun. Why put me through Atlanta all over again? Why do what he did?
I have learned my lesson, a true friend would not have encouraged me to stay off the drugs and walk away. However, the temptation was there and then it got so easy to take advantage, purchase, and even take extra money out of my account. All under the guise I know only too well "Lets go half, and I got you, don't worry, I am going to give the money back.'
I am not sure why you played with my heart, you should have just asked for the money. But, I take responsibility, I could have walked away anytime and come home. I chose to stay, because I thought I saw an honest and kind person. But as the weekend progressed, I heard things and realized that I never should have come down there. It was a set up from the get go.
Okay I accept that and now are letting go of all the animosity, hurt and pain that I am feeling. See the writing gets it out of my system. Now that I have written about this I am going to be fine emotionally that is, any other way I don't think you honestly give a crap about my health or well being.
I only stayed because my heart wanted to believe that I had met someone that truly liked me. But, the day that you hit me you told me I was ugly. Which only confirmed the other little comments that were said under your breathe. You knew what happened to me every time I went to Atlanta and you orchestrated it well, yet I stayed. I stayed because I think there were some sincere moments when the real you surfaced for just a minute, and that was the person I was trying to get too.
You knew the limitations I continually told you that I needed at least 700 in my account to keep the rent check from bouncing. Yet you manipulated me, told me you were going to take 40 out of my account yet when you came back you took 100 out of my account. I am not sure why you did it. Once again, if I would have been told the entire situation, I could have bought more stuff and saved some money. But here we are and I am sitting negative 500.00. That come on you know I got you. I am going half with you, everything is going to be alright. Guess what it isn't alright.
A real friend and someone that wants to get to know you. Would have been up front told you what the plans were and that drugs were going to be involved. Second they would have shown some interest in you which never happened.
What I find even more funny is that I was buying the sTuff, and I was shorted all weekend. You gave everyone more than me. I didn't say anything it was just drugs. But for you to actually get mad at me and punched me in the face and told me that I shorted and stole the sTuff, which was impossible it was mine to begin with I paid for it.
But, through everything that you did too me, I still turned around and picked you up and took you to your mom's house. I still wanted to be a friend and made sure you weren't stranded.
Damn if you were just a fraction of the man I thought you were and what you portrayed yourself to be while talking to me on the phone, I would have been happy.
How disappointing!
But I have to give credit where credit is due. My ex never, ever, hit me first off especially over drugs. Second him and I always made sure the the bills were paid first they were priority. Over and over I kept telling him that I didn't have the money and that my rent check still hadn't processed. He didn't care, just kept on pushing and nagging and wheedling and eventually I caved in. Now, I have to face the consequences of all of this alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is sad when you really like someone and they take advantage and end up pretty much just used you. You know it used to be that way in my life not to very long ago. There was always and excuse or false hood that had been concocted and I would allow myself to be dragged in.
Ulterior motives, hidden agendas, and pretty much the norm these days. This new generation feels that they have to hide what is really going on.
I am hurt, betrayed, angry, frustrated, and laughing and crying at the same time. Why not just tell me that you want to party and have some fun. Why put me through Atlanta all over again? Why do what he did?
I have learned my lesson, a true friend would not have encouraged me to stay off the drugs and walk away. However, the temptation was there and then it got so easy to take advantage, purchase, and even take extra money out of my account. All under the guise I know only too well "Lets go half, and I got you, don't worry, I am going to give the money back.'
I am not sure why you played with my heart, you should have just asked for the money. But, I take responsibility, I could have walked away anytime and come home. I chose to stay, because I thought I saw an honest and kind person. But as the weekend progressed, I heard things and realized that I never should have come down there. It was a set up from the get go.
Okay I accept that and now are letting go of all the animosity, hurt and pain that I am feeling. See the writing gets it out of my system. Now that I have written about this I am going to be fine emotionally that is, any other way I don't think you honestly give a crap about my health or well being.
I only stayed because my heart wanted to believe that I had met someone that truly liked me. But, the day that you hit me you told me I was ugly. Which only confirmed the other little comments that were said under your breathe. You knew what happened to me every time I went to Atlanta and you orchestrated it well, yet I stayed. I stayed because I think there were some sincere moments when the real you surfaced for just a minute, and that was the person I was trying to get too.
You knew the limitations I continually told you that I needed at least 700 in my account to keep the rent check from bouncing. Yet you manipulated me, told me you were going to take 40 out of my account yet when you came back you took 100 out of my account. I am not sure why you did it. Once again, if I would have been told the entire situation, I could have bought more stuff and saved some money. But here we are and I am sitting negative 500.00. That come on you know I got you. I am going half with you, everything is going to be alright. Guess what it isn't alright.
A real friend and someone that wants to get to know you. Would have been up front told you what the plans were and that drugs were going to be involved. Second they would have shown some interest in you which never happened.
What I find even more funny is that I was buying the sTuff, and I was shorted all weekend. You gave everyone more than me. I didn't say anything it was just drugs. But for you to actually get mad at me and punched me in the face and told me that I shorted and stole the sTuff, which was impossible it was mine to begin with I paid for it.
But, through everything that you did too me, I still turned around and picked you up and took you to your mom's house. I still wanted to be a friend and made sure you weren't stranded.
Damn if you were just a fraction of the man I thought you were and what you portrayed yourself to be while talking to me on the phone, I would have been happy.
How disappointing!
But I have to give credit where credit is due. My ex never, ever, hit me first off especially over drugs. Second him and I always made sure the the bills were paid first they were priority. Over and over I kept telling him that I didn't have the money and that my rent check still hadn't processed. He didn't care, just kept on pushing and nagging and wheedling and eventually I caved in. Now, I have to face the consequences of all of this alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Oh moon shining Bright!
The sky is dark the stars are bright,
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.
Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,
Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,
For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.
I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed
Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded
Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today
Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.
Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!
I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end
I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour
Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see
He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.
In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind
blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught
Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.
You are a shining star
You know who you are
Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark
Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.
I love you man!
-B
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.
Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,
Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,
For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.
I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed
Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded
Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today
Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.
Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!
I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end
I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour
Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see
He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.
In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind
blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught
Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.
You are a shining star
You know who you are
Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark
Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.
I love you man!
-B
Saturday, October 20, 2012
My Dearest love: ( A poem of Loss)
I honestly don't know what to feel. My heart is aching wondering what did I do to you? Just a few months ago you said I was the one. The world so bright your moon and sun. Now here we are, I'm lost and alone. Remembering all the words and things you had spoken. You told me that I was going to be the very last one, that you would ever give your heart too. You told me to look at your past and see what he had done to you. So I did, I was there, and I remember all too well what he put your through, but here I sit and you do the same to me. When you begged me to never do the same. Still I am the one feeling all the pain and shame. You asked me to love you to give you a chance. You said you could prove our love would last, but that never came to pass.
For months you told me that you cared for me. That you loved me and hadn't we been through enough. Both of us had health issues and we needed to spend what time we had left building a life together you and I. You told me that we need each other, life was too short to bear it alone. Didn't you say to me that it was better to spend what time we had holding my hand then being alone? But where are you? Where have you gone? Why can't you talk to me, what's gone wrong?
You said that you couldn't wait to see me. I bought you a ticket to come. Even went to meet you and you weren't there. You got angry which wasn't fair, I did it all for you! When we talked we worked it through and you promised it would all work out. I wrote poems and stories, posted blog entries all inspired by you. I was never lonely when I could hear your voice even though we were far apart. The promise of us being together kept me grounded and focused.
We are meant for each other you said, you told me I taught you how to be more kind and generous. You told me that it was because of me that you changed how you treated and cared for others. That I inspired you and made you a better man. Gave you joy and love that birthed lyrics and song. Oh how you missed me, to feel my touch, my lips and see my smile. How beautiful my blue eyes were and how they shone when I looked at you. It was those words and feelings that touched my heart and soul, that made me reconsider and announce the feelings I had for you. Your very words, and the pictures I have of you made me happy. You encouraged me to write again, you praised the words that I have written, but they were a gift of inspiration that came from you. You made me feel like I was wanted, loved and alive. You made me forget the pain, the loneliness and misery of almost dying this spring. You know how fragile life is, and how sick I have been, but you were there for me when I needed it. Why haven't you let me be there for you when you needed me?
Your last words to me were never goodbye, what you said was that you loved me and missed me! That everything between us was alright. You said you needed time to deal with what you were going through, but asked me to find us a place because you were coming to stay. You wanted to be here to celebrate our anniversary in November. What about all the plans we have made, the dogs, the home, the career? Where do we go from here, I have heard nothing from you not even goodbye.
We were friends long before all else and friendship just doesn't end. A friend is a friend to the end. They stay and fight, have your back They even scream and fight, which you and I have never done. I am standing here and telling you what's right. How I feel in my heart. Letting you know for the first time how I truly feel, because as you know me so well, how hard it is for me to let my feelings out.
It's alright you have moved on. It's okay you have chosen a different way. Just remember what you said. Be true to yourself if nothing else. It's you who have to feel good in the end. I put my trust in you and believed your words. They brought me peace, joy and hope, Thank you for that at least.
Remember this i have been and always shall be your friend. Just like like when I say the words "I love you" they mean something to me. so does"friend" and I will be yours till the end. One day I hope you will once again be able to talk to me. Look me in the eye and tell me why you had to lie. I wasn't just another guy I have been through it all with you. I know you so well. You were what made me complete. Now I am just a shadow of myself. No courage or strength, no confidence or care.
Your silence was just too much for me to bear. Not knowing what I had done to make you run like you have begun. Remember this and keep it clear. I love you with all my heart and you have ripped and made it just a smudge and smear..
Goodbye my love I wish you only joy, success and happiness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
For months you told me that you cared for me. That you loved me and hadn't we been through enough. Both of us had health issues and we needed to spend what time we had left building a life together you and I. You told me that we need each other, life was too short to bear it alone. Didn't you say to me that it was better to spend what time we had holding my hand then being alone? But where are you? Where have you gone? Why can't you talk to me, what's gone wrong?
You said that you couldn't wait to see me. I bought you a ticket to come. Even went to meet you and you weren't there. You got angry which wasn't fair, I did it all for you! When we talked we worked it through and you promised it would all work out. I wrote poems and stories, posted blog entries all inspired by you. I was never lonely when I could hear your voice even though we were far apart. The promise of us being together kept me grounded and focused.
We are meant for each other you said, you told me I taught you how to be more kind and generous. You told me that it was because of me that you changed how you treated and cared for others. That I inspired you and made you a better man. Gave you joy and love that birthed lyrics and song. Oh how you missed me, to feel my touch, my lips and see my smile. How beautiful my blue eyes were and how they shone when I looked at you. It was those words and feelings that touched my heart and soul, that made me reconsider and announce the feelings I had for you. Your very words, and the pictures I have of you made me happy. You encouraged me to write again, you praised the words that I have written, but they were a gift of inspiration that came from you. You made me feel like I was wanted, loved and alive. You made me forget the pain, the loneliness and misery of almost dying this spring. You know how fragile life is, and how sick I have been, but you were there for me when I needed it. Why haven't you let me be there for you when you needed me?
Your last words to me were never goodbye, what you said was that you loved me and missed me! That everything between us was alright. You said you needed time to deal with what you were going through, but asked me to find us a place because you were coming to stay. You wanted to be here to celebrate our anniversary in November. What about all the plans we have made, the dogs, the home, the career? Where do we go from here, I have heard nothing from you not even goodbye.
We were friends long before all else and friendship just doesn't end. A friend is a friend to the end. They stay and fight, have your back They even scream and fight, which you and I have never done. I am standing here and telling you what's right. How I feel in my heart. Letting you know for the first time how I truly feel, because as you know me so well, how hard it is for me to let my feelings out.
It's alright you have moved on. It's okay you have chosen a different way. Just remember what you said. Be true to yourself if nothing else. It's you who have to feel good in the end. I put my trust in you and believed your words. They brought me peace, joy and hope, Thank you for that at least.
Remember this i have been and always shall be your friend. Just like like when I say the words "I love you" they mean something to me. so does"friend" and I will be yours till the end. One day I hope you will once again be able to talk to me. Look me in the eye and tell me why you had to lie. I wasn't just another guy I have been through it all with you. I know you so well. You were what made me complete. Now I am just a shadow of myself. No courage or strength, no confidence or care.
Your silence was just too much for me to bear. Not knowing what I had done to make you run like you have begun. Remember this and keep it clear. I love you with all my heart and you have ripped and made it just a smudge and smear..
Goodbye my love I wish you only joy, success and happiness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, October 15, 2012
You don't know the mind of others.
I have been talking to you about a lot of things, but one of the things that I wanted to bring to your attention is that we never truly know what is going on behind the eyes of a person. So how can we possibly understand their intentions and motivations. Lately, I have been asking myself, "what is going on with my relationship?" I truly understand the concept of closing down and isolating oneself to deal with a crisis or situation. But, then there is the other side when someone is reaching out to you practically begging for you to call them back that you have some information for them. Still nothing, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. Several weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that things weren't working out well with him being all the way across the country for me and that we needed to do something to fix that. So when my parents told me I had to move and that I didn't have a whole lot of time, I figured this was a sign, that it was time to build a home for the two of us. Still can't reach him. This got me thinking about words, actions, and motivations and intentions. See anyone can say words, it is the actions that prove the words, but let's look a little more closely, even the actions can betray us. See, what really matters is the intention and motivation that have prompted the action, if you are honest and truthful with your partner they should be in return.
Unfortunately, not everyone is as straightforward and honest as we would like them to be. There might be some ulterior motive that has prompted them to do or say something. So how do we really honestly know what another person is actually thinking and if taking the risk of getting close to them is going to be worth it or not? This is the bitter reality of the situation, unless you can have absolute trust in the person, you can never be sure. Honestly, I know that isn't what you want to hear. But seriously if there are some doubts in your mind about this person there has to be a reason for them. Trust is something that takes time to build and if something hurts it or destroys it, it may never ever fully be restored with that person. Sad, but true, and you have to be careful with whom you share your trust with, just because it is so fragile and can very easily be broken.
I tend to believe in the goodness of people, and I take them at face value, so their words are gold to me, and in most cases that has paid-off, however, there have been a few times when I took someone at their word, trusted them and ended up getting hurt far more than I should have. Trust is a two-way street, as I said it has too be earned, and can be easily broken or damaged, but you have to earn the other persons trust and faith in order for it to truly form between the both of you. If you trust someone, yet they have some concern about you, and don't feel that they can totally trust you, they will not be honest and confide in you. So their true honest intentions and motivations will be hidden from you.
Today I posted on my Facebook page that I am a magnet for trouble, it seems to follow me where ever I go, and no matter how cautious I am I still seem to find it. Now, in this particular instance I am referring to some friends of mine. One of them still lives in Atlanta, and he is in a relationship with another friend of mine, now last night I got a message on Facebook asking me if I could help him get his cellphone back on. Realistically I don't have the money to help him out at this time, but I do get paid on Thursday and if I can swing it I will probably help him out. However, thoughts crept into my head as I laid down last night, like why wasn't he asking his boyfriend for help? Why is he coming to me in the first place? I went back this morning and re-read the email to make sure that I didn't miss anything. Like an important detail or reason that I may have overlooked because I was extremely tired. There wasn't anything more too the message. I am glad that it was worded asking me to get him a Boost card for his phone instead of sending him $50.00. Because if he had asked for cash I would have thought he meant to spend the money on drugs and not on the phone.
However, the question still remains, why me? I am hundreds of miles away, and in the middle of moving and dealing with my own drama and medical stuff here. What is the whole story and what are the motivations behind the request. I have another friend that is trying to re-establish himself and is looking for a new place to stay. He keeps telling me that if he can't find anything on his own where he is at, that he wants to come here and be my roommate. Well, been there and done that and I can't afford the additional drain on my finances at this time. I have encouraged him to continue to search where he is at and then pointed him in the direction of some help, because he is HIV positive there is a program called HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons With Aids) they should be able to help him get in somewhere and get him set up. Plus there is his drama that is going on with his boyfriend and I have been on the phone with him constantly for the past 2 weeks offering support and advice, but that is all I can do at this point.
I also spoke with my best friend last night and told him a little of what was going on with me and my situation. Medically and with the housing thing, and what he told me is that this is a time that I need to be by myself and regroup. Refocus on me and my needs, my health and situation, stop worrying about others for a little while because, where was everyone when I was homeless and on the street in Atlanta? How many reached out their hand and offered me help? He also pointed out how far I had come and accomplished in just 8 short months. That I needed to stay on track and point and move forward, concerned with just myself at this point. It doesn't mean forever, but until I get past the next major surgery and Hep C treatments which are going to weaken me and make it hard for me to care for anyone else at this point. Good advice according to the ID doctor at the VA that I went to see this morning. Because the way that they treat for Hep C is by using chemotherapy and apparently I am going to very weak and sick during it. But he thinks that it is a necessary treatment and that I will be able to get through it with minimal risk if I just keep free of stress and worry. Which means not adding anyone one else into the mixture.
On top of all of this I have just moved into a new place, and I want to take my time and get it set up the way I want it. If I reach out to help all these friends of mine that keep hitting me up for money there is no way I am ever going to get furniture, get the repairs done on my car, or be able to afford my living arrangements that I have made. To top that off, I got a text message from my boss telling me that she needs to talk to me and not to come into the office till I talk to her. Well, as you can imagine that has me slightly worried, I am wondering what I could have done to get a text like that. Am I in some sort of trouble? Have they decided that I am just not working out and that they need a different person in there? I am sure that whatever it is I will definitely find out when she calls me back. I have tried to leave her a message but she was on the other line and her voice mail is full on her cell. Regardless of the outcome, I know that I am safe in my new home, that I make plenty of money on my disability to cover the rent and have no worries there. I took the job because I was bored at home and I wanted something to do that would give me a little extra, since I took on the burden of a car with payment and car insurance, cell phone, and internet service, I figured a little extra wouldn't hurt so that I wasn't strapped for cash or groceries each month. We shall see what comes out of this currently. You would think that if they were going to fire me that they would want me to come into the office and do it face to face, versus over the phone, second why would she tell me not to come into the office till I talked to her that there is an indication that I should be coming into the office after our discussion, but the circumstances might have changed. Again whatever will be will be and not something that I am going to worry my pretty little head over right now. Besides which God is on my side and I am going to lay it at His feet and let Him deal with whatever crisis it might be.
Keep in mind that there is usually more to the story and situation than you know. You don't have all the information so how can you figure out a solution. Second, people rarely disclose their true intentions too you unless they are very close to you. You have to judge their behavior and actions to see if whatever their ulterior is, that it is beneficial too you and not harmful. Most people, like it or not, use others to achieve their own agenda. As long as it isn't hurting you and is mutually beneficial to you, I would say go for it. However, if it isn't and you see a potential for hurt or loss, then I would suggest mitigating your risks. Which we talked about last month. It is important to take as much risk out of the equation as you can so that you come out in a better position. This works with friends, acquaintances and lovers, not everyone is going to tell you the truth all of the time. Maybe not even some of the time and you have to learn how to read them. Know when they are running game on you, then mitigate the risks involved before you go any further. As I said I don't know what is going to happen with my relationship, but I am hopeful that he realizes that I do love him and that I am working hard to prove that. Not only do my words and actions reflect one another, my intention and motivation is just so that we can be together.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Unfortunately, not everyone is as straightforward and honest as we would like them to be. There might be some ulterior motive that has prompted them to do or say something. So how do we really honestly know what another person is actually thinking and if taking the risk of getting close to them is going to be worth it or not? This is the bitter reality of the situation, unless you can have absolute trust in the person, you can never be sure. Honestly, I know that isn't what you want to hear. But seriously if there are some doubts in your mind about this person there has to be a reason for them. Trust is something that takes time to build and if something hurts it or destroys it, it may never ever fully be restored with that person. Sad, but true, and you have to be careful with whom you share your trust with, just because it is so fragile and can very easily be broken.
I tend to believe in the goodness of people, and I take them at face value, so their words are gold to me, and in most cases that has paid-off, however, there have been a few times when I took someone at their word, trusted them and ended up getting hurt far more than I should have. Trust is a two-way street, as I said it has too be earned, and can be easily broken or damaged, but you have to earn the other persons trust and faith in order for it to truly form between the both of you. If you trust someone, yet they have some concern about you, and don't feel that they can totally trust you, they will not be honest and confide in you. So their true honest intentions and motivations will be hidden from you.
Today I posted on my Facebook page that I am a magnet for trouble, it seems to follow me where ever I go, and no matter how cautious I am I still seem to find it. Now, in this particular instance I am referring to some friends of mine. One of them still lives in Atlanta, and he is in a relationship with another friend of mine, now last night I got a message on Facebook asking me if I could help him get his cellphone back on. Realistically I don't have the money to help him out at this time, but I do get paid on Thursday and if I can swing it I will probably help him out. However, thoughts crept into my head as I laid down last night, like why wasn't he asking his boyfriend for help? Why is he coming to me in the first place? I went back this morning and re-read the email to make sure that I didn't miss anything. Like an important detail or reason that I may have overlooked because I was extremely tired. There wasn't anything more too the message. I am glad that it was worded asking me to get him a Boost card for his phone instead of sending him $50.00. Because if he had asked for cash I would have thought he meant to spend the money on drugs and not on the phone.
However, the question still remains, why me? I am hundreds of miles away, and in the middle of moving and dealing with my own drama and medical stuff here. What is the whole story and what are the motivations behind the request. I have another friend that is trying to re-establish himself and is looking for a new place to stay. He keeps telling me that if he can't find anything on his own where he is at, that he wants to come here and be my roommate. Well, been there and done that and I can't afford the additional drain on my finances at this time. I have encouraged him to continue to search where he is at and then pointed him in the direction of some help, because he is HIV positive there is a program called HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons With Aids) they should be able to help him get in somewhere and get him set up. Plus there is his drama that is going on with his boyfriend and I have been on the phone with him constantly for the past 2 weeks offering support and advice, but that is all I can do at this point.
I also spoke with my best friend last night and told him a little of what was going on with me and my situation. Medically and with the housing thing, and what he told me is that this is a time that I need to be by myself and regroup. Refocus on me and my needs, my health and situation, stop worrying about others for a little while because, where was everyone when I was homeless and on the street in Atlanta? How many reached out their hand and offered me help? He also pointed out how far I had come and accomplished in just 8 short months. That I needed to stay on track and point and move forward, concerned with just myself at this point. It doesn't mean forever, but until I get past the next major surgery and Hep C treatments which are going to weaken me and make it hard for me to care for anyone else at this point. Good advice according to the ID doctor at the VA that I went to see this morning. Because the way that they treat for Hep C is by using chemotherapy and apparently I am going to very weak and sick during it. But he thinks that it is a necessary treatment and that I will be able to get through it with minimal risk if I just keep free of stress and worry. Which means not adding anyone one else into the mixture.
On top of all of this I have just moved into a new place, and I want to take my time and get it set up the way I want it. If I reach out to help all these friends of mine that keep hitting me up for money there is no way I am ever going to get furniture, get the repairs done on my car, or be able to afford my living arrangements that I have made. To top that off, I got a text message from my boss telling me that she needs to talk to me and not to come into the office till I talk to her. Well, as you can imagine that has me slightly worried, I am wondering what I could have done to get a text like that. Am I in some sort of trouble? Have they decided that I am just not working out and that they need a different person in there? I am sure that whatever it is I will definitely find out when she calls me back. I have tried to leave her a message but she was on the other line and her voice mail is full on her cell. Regardless of the outcome, I know that I am safe in my new home, that I make plenty of money on my disability to cover the rent and have no worries there. I took the job because I was bored at home and I wanted something to do that would give me a little extra, since I took on the burden of a car with payment and car insurance, cell phone, and internet service, I figured a little extra wouldn't hurt so that I wasn't strapped for cash or groceries each month. We shall see what comes out of this currently. You would think that if they were going to fire me that they would want me to come into the office and do it face to face, versus over the phone, second why would she tell me not to come into the office till I talked to her that there is an indication that I should be coming into the office after our discussion, but the circumstances might have changed. Again whatever will be will be and not something that I am going to worry my pretty little head over right now. Besides which God is on my side and I am going to lay it at His feet and let Him deal with whatever crisis it might be.
Keep in mind that there is usually more to the story and situation than you know. You don't have all the information so how can you figure out a solution. Second, people rarely disclose their true intentions too you unless they are very close to you. You have to judge their behavior and actions to see if whatever their ulterior is, that it is beneficial too you and not harmful. Most people, like it or not, use others to achieve their own agenda. As long as it isn't hurting you and is mutually beneficial to you, I would say go for it. However, if it isn't and you see a potential for hurt or loss, then I would suggest mitigating your risks. Which we talked about last month. It is important to take as much risk out of the equation as you can so that you come out in a better position. This works with friends, acquaintances and lovers, not everyone is going to tell you the truth all of the time. Maybe not even some of the time and you have to learn how to read them. Know when they are running game on you, then mitigate the risks involved before you go any further. As I said I don't know what is going to happen with my relationship, but I am hopeful that he realizes that I do love him and that I am working hard to prove that. Not only do my words and actions reflect one another, my intention and motivation is just so that we can be together.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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