Do you really think this way?

Tonight I have been tossing around several different ideas of what I wanted to write about.  I was sitting here talking to my friends all over the country. These are people that I have known for quite awhile, we are all older in our 30's and 40's.  Something came up in a discussion I was having with my dear friend Maritizio, I was explaining to him what had happened between me and my ex.  He knows both of us from our previous life in Atlanta, way before we relocated to Florida.  It dawned on me that the mentality of the people that I have dated in the past has certainly changed as I have gotten older.  See, when I was younger and serving in the Navy I had a boyfriend whose name was Andy.  We were together for a while but eventually as all things it ended.  Not really by choice I don't think but because of the situations we had found ourselves in.   He was still in the Navy and I ended up getting out. But, thinking back on my relationship with Andy, I realized that I could identify what was different.

It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew.  I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you.  But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation.  I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other.  I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again.  However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.

The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest.  I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010.  I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him.  We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup.  However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more.  It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other.  But, I want  you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well.  Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job.  I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will.  Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines.  Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems.  I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did.  But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.

Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on.  But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life.  The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me  or visiting me in the hospital daily.  I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times.  He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch.  I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish.  I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity.  It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion.  I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this.  Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.

Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation.  Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies.  An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room.  A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin.  I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left.  I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found.  Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth.  He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days.  I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.

Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta.  For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back.  I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them  It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming.  Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this.  Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time.  You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars.  Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there.  The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car.  I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona.  However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries.  Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back.  Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month.  It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.

In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing.  As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only.  As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.

So my original question was Do you really think this way?  I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty.  There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them.  The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other.  As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.

I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation.  After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity.  All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me.  For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used.  I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face.  Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from.  I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust.  I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The weight on my chest

They keep telling me that life is what you make of it.  I have yet again taken a wrong turn and before I realized it I was back to where I started.

It is sad when you really like someone and they take advantage and end up pretty much just used you.  You know it used to be that way in my life not to very long ago.  There was always and excuse or false hood that had been concocted and I would allow myself to be dragged in.

Ulterior motives, hidden agendas, and pretty much the norm these days.  This new generation feels that they have to hide what is really going on.

I am hurt, betrayed, angry, frustrated, and laughing and crying at the same time.  Why not just tell me that you want to party and have some fun.  Why put me through Atlanta all over again?  Why do what he did?

I have learned my lesson, a true friend would not have encouraged me to stay off the drugs and walk away.  However, the temptation was there and then it got so easy to take advantage, purchase, and even take extra money out of my account.  All under the guise I know only too well "Lets go half, and I got you, don't worry, I am going to give the money back.'

I am not sure why you played with my heart, you should have just asked for the money.  But, I take responsibility, I could have walked away anytime and come home. I chose to stay, because I thought I saw an honest and kind person. But as the weekend progressed, I heard things and realized that I never should have come down there.  It was a set up from the get go.

Okay I accept that and now are letting go of all the animosity, hurt and pain that I am feeling. See the writing gets it out of my system. Now that I have written about this I am going to be fine emotionally that is, any other way I don't think you honestly give a crap about my health or well being.

I only stayed because my heart wanted to believe that I had met someone that truly liked me.  But, the day that you hit me you told me I was ugly.  Which only confirmed the other little comments that were said under your breathe.  You knew what happened to me every time I went to Atlanta and you orchestrated it well, yet I stayed.  I stayed because I think there were some sincere moments when the real you surfaced for just a minute, and that was the person I was trying to get too.

You knew the limitations I continually told you that I needed at least 700 in my account to keep the rent check from bouncing.  Yet you manipulated me, told me you were going to take 40 out of my account yet when you came back you took 100 out of my account.  I am not sure why you did it. Once again, if I would have been told the entire situation, I could have  bought more stuff and saved some money.  But here we are and I am sitting negative 500.00.  That come on you know I got you.  I am going half with you, everything is going to be alright.  Guess what it isn't alright.

A real friend and someone that wants to get to know you. Would have been up front told you what the plans were and that drugs were going to be involved.  Second they would have shown some interest in you which never happened.

What I find even more funny  is that I was buying the sTuff, and I was shorted all weekend.  You gave everyone more than me.  I didn't say anything it was just drugs.  But for you to actually get mad at me and punched me in the face and told me that I shorted and stole the sTuff,  which was impossible it was mine to begin with I paid for it.

But, through everything that you did too me, I still turned around and picked you up and took you to your mom's house.  I still wanted to be a friend and made sure you weren't stranded.

Damn if you were just a fraction of the man I thought you were and what you portrayed yourself to be while talking to me on  the phone, I would have been happy.

How disappointing!

But I have to give credit where credit is due.  My ex never, ever, hit me first off especially over drugs. Second him and I always made sure  the the bills were paid first they were priority.  Over and over I kept telling him that I didn't have the money and that my rent check still hadn't processed.  He didn't care, just kept on pushing and nagging and wheedling and eventually I caved in.  Now, I have to face the consequences of all of this alone.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Words are just words without any action to support them?

What I mean by this is you tell me something that you want me to believe you need to have performed some kind of action to support the deed that you are telling me about.  It is so easy for us to lie to ourselves and even easier to lie to one another. Take it a different way, you tell me exactly what you think I want to hear and I am suppose to believe you on the basis of your statement.  However, how can I believe what you are telling me when I know you.  I have been around you and I know your actions and reactions to certain situations.  As a friend we learn each others habits, tricks and faces, and when someone tries to get over on you, The first thing that comes to mind is it's all a lie.

The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth.  The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves.  In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull.  I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't  do what we are claiming.

It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth.  If you can master that then you are on the right track.  Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity.  See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word.  Nothing can persuade you from that path.  It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.

So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life.  You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful.  The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ".  Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.

That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well.  It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings.  I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source.  My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.

What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words.  Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another.  But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words.  Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal.  Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.

Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined.  Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important?  I believe it is!  Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way.  Now they know that they are lying  but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.

An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way,  Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation.  However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation.  In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together.  This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls,  Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue.  So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way.  But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort.  It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this?  The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.

When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.

Be careful with words, especially around children.  Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm.  Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

Unexpected events can bring you into contact with people you never knew you knew.

Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person.  I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me.  Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story.  All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories.  But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.

As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through.  So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie.  Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.

Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are.  The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.

For years  I  thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness.  I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me.  Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing.  My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.

Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me.  Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes.  Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else.  That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret.  Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida?  Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated?  None of this makes sense to me.

But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too.  Which is why I try very hard to live without lies.  But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship.  Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years.  I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door.  I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me.  But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday.  Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies.  He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done.   No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?

Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is.  I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before.  Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions.  Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution.  I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place.  I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others.  But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear.  He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.

These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day.  It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me.  But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship.  So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.

Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult.  But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out.  Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true.  When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him.  I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.

You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and  he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  However,  when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books.  All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.

I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help.  But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew.  I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it.  I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me.  How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.

Thank you for your help guys.

-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

B

Whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?

In today's crazy world it is increasingly hard to find quality,decent people that are trustworthy.  So many times I have taken someone at their word and have been disappointed.  Seems everyone has gotten into the practice of just saying whatever they think you want to hear.  Unfortunately, I always fall for the story and end up drawing the short end of the stick.

The past year has been fraught with half truths and hidden agendas.  It was costly and pretty much deadly to me. I ended up in the hospital every time.  I am not sure why the half truths and lies, I have always been pretty open and have always asked that people be honest with me.  There is no need to lie to me ever, because I would rather be mad and hurt and be over it, than have to discover that I had been lied too. That hurts even more, and it ruins the bonds of trust and thrust you into thinking well what else have they lied to me about.

When lied too that pretty much destroys your credibility with me. Plus it shows that you don't have any integrity as well as no respect for the person you are misleading with your lies.  As I have said many times in the past that any relationship can survive if you are open and willing to communicate fully your hopes, dreams and desires. Communication is the key to success in any endeavor or relationship that you embark upon. 

You must be honest not only to the person you are dealing with but yourself as well.  I find it easy to lie to myself and justify just about anything I want to. That isn't good at all.

Honesty is the key to successful open communication between you and the other party in the relationship, now by relationship I am talking about personal as well as professional. Honesty and integrity are essential when conducting business. These two things will encourage your customers to spread good news about you and your business to others. It will also prove to the consumer that you are fair and trustworthy.

So again I ask you whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is going on in the minds of young people today?

I got a disturbing phone call from my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this morning, and it again pointed me in the direction of what is wrong with our youth and young people today.  The other day's post was also from a young person (girl in that case) but these two topics have brought me full circle to a thought that has been going around in my head for several days. What is going on with the young people today? Why do they think that someone owes them something? Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain?  What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works?  I am going to attempt to explore all of this and a bit more in this article and you chime in and tell me if you agree/disagree or what your opinions are on this subject.  Keep in mind that I am writing this from my perspective, and from my own vast experiences dealing with a group of young African-American men in Atlanta and again in Florida before I moved to Atlanta.  I am coming from my past experiences and this has no reflection or bearing on individuals that I have been dealing with this year.  I will also explain why I have made this distinction and where my mind and heart is at in this entry.

It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of.  It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves.  In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together.  This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way.  But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work.  It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them.  Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this.  I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that.  I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean.  Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all.  They could be black, white, purple, green, red,  or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want.  They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there.  Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store.  I have seen it done.  I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that.  He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.

Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling.  They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive.  Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients.  How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot.  Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly.  Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies.  Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion.  Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally.  They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.

In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run.  Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on.  But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people.  Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught.  Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules.  I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about.  It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.

There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming.  Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way.  More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty.  Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security.  What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved.  I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing.  Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison.  What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.

Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets.  Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both.  They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in.  Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing.  There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors.  Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth.  Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay.  Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming.  But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.

Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well.  People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt.  I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female.  I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to.  He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle.  Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time.  However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him.  For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail.  During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy.  In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move.  The damage was done.

Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds.  He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us.  Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life.  I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people.  He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet.  What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen.  See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high.  His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.

I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences.  The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown.  The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you.  The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do?  You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on.  Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it.  Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction.  Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others.  It isn't going to be pretty!  But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling?  They are going to be affected by it too.

I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street.  I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year.  Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets.  As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand.  I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive.  I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down.  I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix.  I have been there experienced it and got out.

As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts.  I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own.  He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida.  However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs.  So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.

So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in.  They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown.  Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of.  Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that.  They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them.  Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first.  Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage.  They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them.  When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing.  What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena.  The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them.  Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.

Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it.  How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way.  But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.

I also want you to keep this in mind.  Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed.  But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness.  Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Dearest love: ( A poem of Loss)

I honestly don't know what to feel. My heart is aching wondering what did I do to you?  Just a few months ago you said I was the one. The world so bright your moon and sun.  Now here we are, I'm lost and alone. Remembering all the words and things you had spoken.  You told me that I was going to be the very last one, that you would ever give your heart too.  You told me to look at your past and see what he had done to you.  So I did, I was there, and I remember all too well what he put your through, but here I sit and you do the same to me.  When you begged me to never do the same.  Still I am the one feeling all the pain and shame.  You asked me to love you to give you a chance. You said you could prove our love would last, but that never came to pass.

For months you told me that you cared for me. That you loved me and hadn't we been through enough.  Both of us had health issues and we needed to spend what time we had left building a life together you and I.  You told me that we need each other, life was too short to bear it alone.  Didn't you say to me that it was better to spend what time we had holding my hand then being alone?  But where are you? Where have you gone? Why can't you talk to me, what's gone wrong?

You said that you couldn't wait to see me. I bought you a ticket to come.  Even went to meet you and you weren't there.  You got angry which wasn't fair, I did it all for you! When we talked we worked it through and you promised it would all work out.  I wrote poems and stories, posted blog entries all inspired by you.  I was never lonely when I could hear your voice even though we were far apart.  The promise of us being together kept me grounded and focused.

We are meant for each other you said, you told me I taught you how to be more kind and generous.  You told me that it was because of me that you changed how you treated and cared for others. That I inspired you and made you a better man.  Gave you joy and love that birthed lyrics and song.  Oh how you missed me, to feel my touch, my lips and see my smile.  How beautiful my blue eyes were and how they shone when I looked at you.  It was those words and feelings that touched my heart and soul, that made me reconsider and announce the feelings I had for you.  Your very words, and the pictures I have of you made me happy. You encouraged me to write again, you praised the words that I have written, but they were a gift of inspiration that came from you.  You made me feel like I was wanted, loved and alive.  You made me forget the pain, the loneliness and misery of almost dying this spring.  You know how fragile life is, and how sick I have been, but you were there for me when I needed it.  Why haven't you let me be there for you when you needed me?

Your last words to me were never goodbye, what you said was that you loved me and missed me! That everything between us was alright.  You said you needed time to deal with what you were going through, but asked me to find us a place because you were coming to stay. You wanted to be here to celebrate our anniversary in November. What about all the plans we have made, the dogs, the home, the career?  Where do we go from here, I have heard nothing from you not even goodbye.

We were friends long before all else and friendship just doesn't end. A friend is a friend to the end. They stay and fight, have your back They even scream and fight, which you and I have never done.  I am standing here and telling you what's right. How I feel in my heart. Letting you know for the first time how I truly feel, because as you know me so well, how hard it is for me to let my feelings out.

It's alright you have moved on. It's okay you have chosen a different way.  Just remember what you said. Be true to yourself if nothing else. It's you who have to feel good in the end.  I put my trust in you and believed your words.  They brought me peace, joy and hope, Thank you for that at least.

Remember this i have been and always shall be your friend. Just like like when I say the words "I love you" they mean something to me. so does"friend" and I will be yours till the end.  One day I hope you will once again be able to talk to me. Look me in the eye and tell me why you had to lie.  I wasn't just another guy I have been through it all with you. I know you so well.  You were what made me complete. Now I am just a shadow of myself. No courage or strength, no confidence or care.

Your silence was just too much for me to bear. Not knowing what I had done to make you run like you have begun.  Remember this and keep it clear. I love you with all my heart and you have ripped and made it just a smudge and smear..

Goodbye my love I wish you only joy, success and happiness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You know secrets come with a price, they aren't free not now not ever!

You know we have been talking a lot about life and relationships, but have you ever thought what the cost of a secret does to the relationship?  See it is true that secrets and lies are not free, they come with a cost, not only to you, but to the ones you love and the ones you are trying to protect.  With lies and secrets comes a certain air of mistrust and that puts a strain on the relationship.  You can't expect someone to trust you if there is something in the way of that trust and that is what secrets are. When you are secretive you start acting a certain way and others can tell that you are hiding something.  They begin to wonder what it is that you don't want them too know.  From there leads to speculation and ultimately they begin to doubt everything you are saying to them.  Curiosity is a trait that is not only confined to cats you know, human curiosity is something that never ceases.  Why do you think mystery novels are so popular.  Everyone loves a good mystery and they try to figure it out way before they ever know the whole plot.

Try to keep in mind that secrets have a toll on you too, they add stress and worry to your life, and once you start keeping them either by hiding them with lies or by silence, it starts to truly add weight on your shoulders. Once you start telling lies you have to keep telling them in order to keep them hidden.  It becomes a never ending task and sooner or later someone is going to catch you at it.  When they do there goes the trust that you have built up with them.  Life is too short to have secrets and lies in your life.  Especially if you are in a relationship.  How can a person really know you if you are keeping things back from them.  As I have always told you communication is the key and honesty is what is important.  Being honest not only to your loved ones and family, but you always need to be totally honest with yourself.  I know sometimes it seems easier to rationalize and lie to yourself, but at the end of the day you know what really happened and no matter how many lies you tell yourself it is not going to change the situation.

That is another thing about hiding the truth and lies, it ties you to them. How can you move forward if you are carrying around baggage of the past?  Lies and secrets keep you firmly rooted to a story that just isn't true and you continually are brought back to it.  You have to keep covering it up, and like I said lies upon lies is like building a house of cards, sooner or later one wrong move is going to bring the whole thing crashing down on you. Again, for your own peace of mind and that of the ones you care about you need to put everything out in the open. If you do that you will find that there is less stress in your life, and that if you stick together you can overcome any obstacle.  Like they say 2 heads are better than one. Don't isolate yourself and keep yourself from truly experiencing love with another person because of lies.  Secrets and lies are the same thing, believe me I know all about them.  I used to do Meth, and that is a drug that manipulates the brain.  Some people think more clearly on it and the lies they tell just to get the next hit or fix can leave your head spinning.  The trouble is most people can see through those lies and see you for what you are and what you are doing, but your head is so filled with the drug you never even realize.

Don't take the risk of being alienated by your friends and family because you are trying to hide something.  For years I didn't speak to my parents, because I was doing drugs, and was partying all the time, but also because I didn't want them to know what I was into.  They knew because my ex told them.  He told them when he thought I had gotten out of control. I was confronted by my mother, of course I denied it. It was my secret and I didn't want her to know.  Then I got arrested for possession, however, in that case I was telling the truth that it wasn't my stuff, however because my parents knew about the drug use and I had denied it, they didn't believe me. Luckily I got off of the charges, but it isn't something that I am willing to go through again.  Hence the reason why I put everything out on the web. I have nothing to hide anymore. I have come to far and lived through too much to go back and start hiding who I really am now.  See the truth of the matter is when Sterling and I were dating he and I did way more drugs than we should have.  We were doing so much that others couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a proud time of my life let me tell you.  When we both came to realize how much we were really doing and how utter ridiculous we had been, and what risks we had taken, we both cut way back, but hadn't quit entirely.

Then later on it started coming to light to everyone around us about how much we did. It was even thrown in my face a couple of times by a number of people that I had gotten so many people hooked on the stuff.  Do you know how scary it is to find out that you were responsible for hundreds of young men shooting up Meth?  Over and over again I hear how "oh, I know Bryan, he was the one that taught me how to slam"  That is not a fond reputation that I like having.  I was always safe, made sure that people knew what they were doing and how to mix up the stuff.  I also stayed with them and provided them a safe place to do the stuff, but that isn't the point. The point is I may have ruined a great many of lives just by teaching them slamming.  Meth is not a drug to play with lightly, it is not physically addicting like heroin, it alters the brain, and is a mental addiction that is extremely hard to break. You can be away from it for years and still think about the feeling, you still get the longing for it. I don't know how else to explain, but it is true. I don't think you ever truly escape it's grasp.  But as I have told you in the past, you can't escape your past! What was hidden and done in the dark always comes to light!

I cannot change my past, the only thing I can do is try to make the right choices in the future and move forward.  I have to let go of the past no matter how hard that is. One of the reasons why people hold on to the past is because they tend to remember it better than it was, and they view the present harder than it really is.  It is always nicer to compare what is happening in our lives with the past, we have a tendency to make it out that things were better back then, but in actuality they were probably pretty much the same.  The difficulty level only changes when we learn to change the way we look at things.  We have a tendency to make up stories and hide the truth of things when we are not satisfied with what we have or where we are at in life.  What happens then is that the lies spin out of our control and before we know it you are defending something that isn't real.

Life is what we make out of it, as I have told you before. If we constantly embellish, lie or be secretive about ourselves how can we expect anyone to ever get to know the real you?  How can you honestly find someone that can love you?  Do you want to be alone forever?  I know that I don't.  Even now I am hoping against hope that someone will find me and love me for the person I am.  I used to live a life of lies and deceit but now I put everything out in the open for the world to see. I don't have any secrets to hide. I have lost too much in my life because of lying and secrets. I want to be free of that and find love and happiness.  Which if you refer back to my earliest post you know that I know that happiness is found within ones self.  But I also think that you can find happiness in another person. One that makes you better than you are and inspires you to do more than you have before.  That is the type of love I want.

Do yourself a favor, when you meet someone new that you are interested in, be yourself, your true self.  Don't embellish, make up stuff to make yourself look better.  Just be who you are.  Be sincere and genuine.  I honestly think you will be much better off for it.  Secrets and lies cost so much and will damage your relationship way faster than anything else.  Be honest with yourself and the other person.  Earn their trust and respect. Be their friend and confidant and trust me everything else will fall into place.

Try and remember that no secret is ever free, not now not ever!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Don't ask me Why?

My heart's so sad that I could cry
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted  my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why?  I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b

As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness.  A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part.  This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over?   I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.

Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Frienemies you know who you are:

I wrote this thinking about a friend and realized that I have some of these too.  So here is my farewell to you.  Because I am right and I need to move on.  Lend me an ear and I will show you what they are, be careful they are near you and you may not yet be aware.

Frienemies:

They smile and are kind to your face claiming they are your friend till the end.
Only worried about their own ambitions and greed.
Who hold you back and struggle to keep you from rounding the next bend.
Acting like they have your back and your need
always saying they are acting in your steed.
All the while plotting and scheming for their own desires.
Sabotage and subterfuge are not their only abuse.
What plain and skillful are these incredible liars.
Trickery and artifice they use to beguile their only excuse.
Can't you see they are only out to get you?
Oh how I wish you could see how different is their view.
Holding you back
Always ready to attack
Cut them from your life
And end their bitter strife.
Then you will see how different things can be
How change will come to you and set you free.
They cannot defeat you
because you have a cause
Your views are just and will give them pause.
Because a warrior are you
their lies and games will soon be seen by those around you.
Because nothing can stop stand in the light of what is the truth,
without them having the burden of proof.
You have failed you see.
You cannot stop me.
Hold me down or defeat me.
My words are clear and true,
and your actions will unmask you.
Goodbye my so called friend
your reign of lies and doubt are at an end.
I have won can't you see,
you have nothing more to hold over me.
I am strong and healthy
and now I am free
from your hate and envy.
You have lost and cannot hold me down,
for you I won't let my soul be bound.
So long Frienemy you couldn't kill me
for that you are no longer alive to me.
I forgive you and want only the best for you.

Good-bye find someone else to try
because I am done and you are through
It is for the best I say good-bye to you!

As always my hope and dreams are with you.

Uncle B