Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change. I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect. Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at. Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go. Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled. I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure. My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better. You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation. FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.
See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around. If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad. But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been. Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing. I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story. This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink. I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over. What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path. In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.
During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture. See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here. It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today. When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all. As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book. I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that. Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life. So, when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.
In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us. Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world. Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about. If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever. It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.
This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life. That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us. I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.
Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label darkness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label darkness. Show all posts
Friday, January 23, 2015
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Unexpected events can bring you into contact with people you never knew you knew.
Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person. I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me. Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story. All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories. But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.
As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through. So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie. Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.
Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are. The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.
For years I thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness. I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing. My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.
Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me. Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes. Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else. That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret. Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida? Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated? None of this makes sense to me.
But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too. Which is why I try very hard to live without lies. But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship. Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years. I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door. I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me. But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday. Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies. He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done. No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?
Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is. I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before. Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions. Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution. I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place. I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others. But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear. He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.
These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day. It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me. But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship. So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.
Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult. But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out. Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true. When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him. I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.
You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books. All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.
I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help. But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew. I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it. I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me. How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you for your help guys.
-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
B
As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through. So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie. Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.
Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are. The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.
For years I thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness. I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing. My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.
Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me. Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes. Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else. That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret. Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida? Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated? None of this makes sense to me.
But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too. Which is why I try very hard to live without lies. But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship. Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years. I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door. I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me. But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday. Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies. He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done. No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?
Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is. I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before. Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions. Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution. I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place. I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others. But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear. He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.
These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day. It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me. But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship. So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.
Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult. But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out. Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true. When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him. I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.
You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books. All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.
I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help. But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew. I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it. I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me. How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you for your help guys.
-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
B
Friday, November 2, 2012
On Your Darkest Day
I can see the storm clouds gathering, I know it is going to be a beaut. Full of howling fury and torrential rains, lightning that is going to burst the gray and heavy leaden clouds. The sun is hidden, twilight has descended upon the world. Every chore and task is done in grim sullen silence. There is a heaviness in the air, as if someone has been holding their breathe. The air is charged with electricity and cold fingers are clutching at your exposed skin. You have known other storms, you have waded through the high waters and strong winds, and know that you can brave this one as you have all others. Your secret is that you plod along keeping your focus on the tasks at hand, knowing that the quicker they are done the faster you can return the the warmth and safety of your house. You know in the back of your mind that the warm glow of the fire will chase the chill away, your favorite chair is there waiting for you, and no matter the gale and force that assails the world your four walls are a sanctuary and solitude against its marauding onslaught.
Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there. You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own. Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside. For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls. Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life. But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.
The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one. When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through. In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm. Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it. Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.
Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts. Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on. Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near. You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand. Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen. Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.
Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart. I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable. At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through. See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me. Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore. I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.
What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else. He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon. His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile. For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief. See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way. That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close. These are the things that have brought me joy.
So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it. You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands. There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite. The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms. With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault. They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found. Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire. In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.
Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me. We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own. Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest. Before the New Year my partner will be here. I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.
God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near. God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them. We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there. Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem. Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake. Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there. You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own. Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside. For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls. Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life. But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.
The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one. When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through. In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm. Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it. Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.
Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts. Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on. Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near. You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand. Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen. Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.
Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart. I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable. At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through. See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me. Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore. I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.
What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else. He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon. His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile. For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief. See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way. That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close. These are the things that have brought me joy.
So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it. You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands. There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite. The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms. With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault. They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found. Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire. In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.
Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me. We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own. Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest. Before the New Year my partner will be here. I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.
God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near. God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them. We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there. Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem. Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake. Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, October 6, 2012
6th of October
After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding. I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind. I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react. See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone. What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having. I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.
My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all. I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him. Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month. That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point. Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under. I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out. Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either. I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.
I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month. I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month. On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.
I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them. I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated. It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most. I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things. By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken. See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me. See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good. I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own. Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.
My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do. I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned. With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life. Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks. I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight. You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live. It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself. I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul. See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued. So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.
Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs. But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning? Still I don't have an answer to those questions. I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors. I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me. I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it. I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.
Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with. You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again. I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth. I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now. Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.
I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing. I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him. I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything. See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy. I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest. There is much more going on between us.
Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change. I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him. I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him. Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone. I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better. Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.
All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night. I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit. I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth. I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives. See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing. So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.
I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned. What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned. Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away. God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it. I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else. I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide. That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.
Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all. I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him. Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month. That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point. Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under. I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out. Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either. I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.
I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month. I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month. On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.
I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them. I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated. It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most. I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things. By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken. See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me. See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good. I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own. Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.
My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do. I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned. With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life. Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks. I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight. You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live. It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself. I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul. See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued. So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.
Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs. But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning? Still I don't have an answer to those questions. I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors. I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me. I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it. I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.
Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with. You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again. I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth. I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now. Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.
I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing. I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him. I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything. See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy. I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest. There is much more going on between us.
Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change. I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him. I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him. Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone. I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better. Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.
All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night. I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit. I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth. I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives. See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing. So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.
I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned. What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned. Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away. God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it. I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else. I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide. That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.
Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)