Family Ties

This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties.  My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it.  But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother.  I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me.  My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings. 

My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family.  I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.

But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children.  Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.

I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday.  As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.

I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away.  I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare.  I really don't know the answer to that question.

How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another?  It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members.  I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other.  My family is nothing like that.

Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me.  Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than  him.  Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt.  Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be.  We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.

No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned.  I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me.  Most people including my parents are not like that.  I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.

I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems.  Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had.  Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD. 

I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well.  Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability.  I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own.  Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them.  I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment.  Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.

My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment.  Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.

Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words.  That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place.  Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there.  Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all.  He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Time and place

When you have reached the fill of bullshit that others throw your way you are going to change major components of your life. This may entail changing your venue and restarting your life over again or simply adjusting the current way you are living.

This prospect is usually unappealing and daunting, but trust me there may come a time and place where this may be the only available option. Each of us have different breaking points just like each of us has different levels of patience and when that runs out tester beware because the resulting explosion may actually take their head off. It is never fun or pleasant to see someone reach their wits end not is it fun to be the recipient of of such a cataclysm.

Life presents each of us with challenges and problems in which we must strive to overcome. We may not know the first steps we have to take, we may even be blindsided by these issues, just know that everything in time has an ending. Nothing lasts forever and all issues seek their own resolution in their own time. Though we may not know the correct actions to take each problem will present it's own resolution in time, be patient and trust that God has you and will carry you through.

I don't know what my point of no return is, and I hope that I am never pushed that far. I am patient and try to be understanding in all things that deal with others. Though I will admit that there are times when my buttons are pushed and my patience is tried, especially lately, my​ health is steadily decreasing due to the advancing of cancer throughout my body and those around me seek to undermine me and test the limits of my nature.

On March 28th I will be heading to Gainesville, FL where at Shand's Hospital they will be operating on me to remove a portion of my right Kidney. To some this might be a routine operation, but for someone like me that has had so many abdominal surgeries in the past this is going to be a tricky procedure. One in which my doctor's feel that I will be successful and recover from. Though, I have my misgivings about such risky surgery since I have suffered near death on a few occasions.

Yet, for all things there is a time and a place. I am reminded of something that I once told you about how it is not the ending of the road but the path we take that creates the character and strength of who we become. We are all works in progress and the journey is what molds and shapes us. Fate and Destiny work hand in hand to bring us to the exact place we are supposed to be at exactly the right time. You will see that no matter the path that you choose you are going to reach the exact spot you were meant to be, at exactly the precise time. This is just one of the immutable facts of cyclical living. Our lives are a basis of cycle and circles, think about it this way everything has a way of coming back around. What's​old will come back in fashion, when one relationship ends another begins and so forth. Life is a series of circles​and cycles.

So, as this time of surgery and recovery looms near, I know that it is but for a mere fraction of time and then I will be on to face something else just as harrowing as this, though if luck holds maybe not as adruous or hard. But again only time will tell.  I just keep firmly entrenched in my mind that "This too shall pass" and remember that nothing lasts longer than it is supposed to. Because everything has it's own time and place.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Timing really is everything

You don't know how many times I shake my head in disbelief as I let opportunity and change slip through my fingers.  Now, today I am sitting here thinking about timing and just how important it really is in our lives.  How many times have you missed opportunities or relationships because your time is not the same as the other persons?  I know that this has happened too me so many times in my life and I have grown accustomed to settling for what has been left once that moment has passed. I couldn't have imagined a year ago that I would be a this place in my life, relying on others for help, rides and favors.  Even if I had, there have been so many things that I could have done had I just been careful and aware of my timing.

Today, I tried to get a dentist appointment rescheduled for several reasons, one because I have just gotten out of the hospital, two I really don't have transportation necessary to get to the appointment and three that asking my father for a ride has become very difficult.  When I called the dentist she told me that because funding was about to go away at the end of the month this appointment was really necessary if I wanted to get the work done that I need and have been approved for.  Once again that thing called timing.

I was speaking to an ex last night who has remained a very close friend of mine ever since we broke up.  He is moving to Philadelphia over the weekend and it troubled me.  See, I had come from Atlanta because my health was bottoming out and everyone thought that I was going to die.  But, when I got here I got better and pushed myself to get up on my feet and on my own.  I asked him then to come to Florida and begin again, but he wasn't really ready, and he kept putting it off.  Nearly two years went by and he finally had made a decision that it was time for him to change and get away from Atlanta, I had just gone through a very tough break up and ended up loosing my place to stay at this exact same time.  I thought we could figure it out and get a place together, but my health became a huge issue. It had been the start of the osteomylitis and the fracturing of my spine, and because I was back home at my parents house and had no place for him he ended up leaving and going to Jacksonville.  I ended up in a nursing home and then bounced around till I finally landed where I am at.  Our timing still way off from each other.  As I am writing this and thinking about what I am going through now, I wish things were different.  I really wanted him to come down here and at least be here while I go through these difficult health issues, but in a way that is totally unfair to him.  I need to do it for myself and maybe by myself.

I think about things that are going on in my daily life and I am not happy, I know that the person who is living with me is just here maybe in a way because he wants to be, but also due to circumstances and that isn't anyway to go forward.  I do dread being alone and being isolated.  In all honestly I have never lived alone before and I am not sure that I even know how.  I know that I need to sit down and talk with the person who is living with me now and changes need to happen.  But I am not sure what I really want nor do I have any real clue what he wants.  I just know that because of the tumor, life is going to get very difficult for me all over again.    I am not the most trusting soul in the world and I have pretty much no friends here in the Daytona Beach area.

Some people have uncanny timing and seem to glide through life effortlessly, I know that it is all a matter of perspective, but things seem to happen naturally for them.  I seem to never see the big picture until the time to act has passed.  In love and in life timing makes a big difference and impacts our daily lives in entirely different ways.  If you connect with some and they with you I suggest that no matter what is going on in your life, world or existence you owe it to yourself and them to explore it to the fullest.  Life is short and you don't want to live with regrets. Take stock of your situation and reach out to those you hold dear, and let them know it.  Don't use the excuse that the time is just not right, because if you don't act at that moment you may have lost it forever.   I am a big believer that we can create perfect moments for ourselves so we need use that ability to our advantage.

I can still remember when Bobby and I first met, we had just gotten off the train and were waiting for a bus to pull in to the station and take us where we needed to go.  We hit it off, found out that we had mutual likes and a definite attraction for one another.  He was homeless and I was just about to lose the place that I was living in, despite everything we managed to come together.  He kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship that he had nothing to offer.  But the truth was we had one another and that was enough. Somehow we made it work and were together for 6 months or so before we let petty things get in the way such as drugs, addiction and a host of other things.  Since, that time we have never gotten back in sync and it seems that maybe our time will not ever come again.  Since, I am staying in Florida at least for a while and he is off to Pennsylvania at the beginning of the week.  Yet, somehow I have don't believe that never is an option, and I know that we will always be close friends.

I have to admit that I am lost right now, drifting on the waves of uncertainty and I don't know what to do to get my head on right.  Friends keep moving away or even dying and I wish that I had some people closer to me and who I could possibly talk to about the way that I am feeling, but unfortunately I don't. So I am at the hands of fate right now as I await the results of the biopsies and wonder which way I should look or turn too.  I have been in this location for 6 months and I am not happy, I feel isolated, lonely and afraid.  Where do I go?  Where should I turn?  I know that I am truly never alone that God is with me and has me in His hands but I spent much of the day home alone and been thinking and I know that change has got to come.  Though my days of adventure might be over for now, what should I do?

Any ideas?  Let me know,

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not everything is as it seems

Words can have multiple meanings, teachings can have multiple interpretations,  problems can have multiple solutions, you can't judge someone by their looks alone. We can become so enamored by someone's outward appearance that we totally miss what is just below the surface.  As a race we tend to judge one another by the morals and standards we have developed for ourselves and what we perceive to be the teaching of our church or our parents. But you have to keep in mind there can be more than one interpretation on how to do things or live right.

Many times when two people come together they have to reconcile their beliefs with one another. Take a look the picture from a different point of view, even if two people, such as twins were born, their experiences would be totally different. No two individuals will experience situations in exactly the same way, even though they are raised the same each person takes away something different from each encounter they have. Even if they meet the same people, eat the same foods and are brought up the same exact way. Each person copes differently, has different coping mechanisms and their view point becomes skewed by these things.  Remember, each of us creates filters from which we view life through, filters are the way in which we look at life with.  You can think of filters like contact lenses or glasses that you look out upon the world through.  Each and everyone of us experience things differently therefore the way we view and do things are going to be different. Keep in mind that even shared experiences are going to be viewed and reacted too differently by the individuals that share them even if they were raised exactly the same way.

I talked about little about this in another blog entry when I spoke about how two people in a relationship can have totally different views on how something they experienced together can be so radically different. This is one reason that when police interview witnesses of a crime can have varying stories about what occurred during an investigation.  They have to look for commonalities in the individual stories to come up with a whole picture that can explain an event or incident. Now, if you think about it and apply this logic to a relationship it might actually help you to tolerate your partner doing something a different way than you would actually do it. Remember that there are many ways a task can be accomplished and that not everyone is going to do it the way you would.  You have to be flexible and accept how other people do things, because there is no single right way or wrong way to do things.

Another example that I can give you is this, the face you see in public is probably not the same face you see in private.  I know a couple extremely well and if you were to see them out at a restaurant or walking down the street you might well think that they are the perfect couple, you see them together and they seem so happy and content with each other. You really are convinced that they were meant to be together.  Which in my friends case they are meant to be together and compliment each other well. However, again things are not always as they seem.  This couple has it's share of fights and arguements and not as happy as the outward face they display when they go out into public.  Another way to look at this is that all outward appearances are masks that we wear out into public, and while that is on you cannot see the truth that lies just beneath the surface.  Another example I can give you is when people look at me they think that they are looking at a person that isn't handicapped but they would be wrong, you cannot draw conclusions or assumptions just by looking at things.  Remember that what you see is not always what you are getting.

Just because something looks normal and acts like nothing is wrong, you have no idea what another person is going through.  Humans are good at hiding their problems, emotions and feelings and hide them away.  They truly don't want other people to know that they are gong through something or are in pain, but again not all things are as they seem.  There are always things that you cannot see that lie just below the surface.  Just like an ice berg the tip is all that is seen, it is what is hidden underneath that can cause the most damage.  When you get to know another person you can sometimes see behind the mask that they are hiding behind.  If you get to konw me well you will begin to realize that I wake up in pain every morning. Some days are worse than others, but no one outside of my house would ever know what I am feeling or going through because of the happy up beat face that I put on when i leave my house.  For that matter no one has a clue that I have a colostomy bag, because you cannot see it at all while I am dressed.

The whole point that I am trying to express to you is that you cannot look at someone or something and know what is really going on with them.  You can also never know what a person is really thinking and feeling.  The only one that truly knows what they are going through and feeling is the person that is going through it.  What is on the outside doesn' t necessarily let you know what is going on in the inside.  People are going through as much drama and turmoil just like you are.  Keep that in mind as you meet and hangout with people.  Remember that there is more than one way to accomplish a task, there is no right or wrong way to do something. Be open minded and sensitive toward others so that you can get to know them and see what is under their mask.  Know this no matter what you are going through in your life there is someone out there that is going through something just as bad as you are or worse.  Life is a learning and growing experience. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement and growth.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Trust is a Must No Negotiation

Friends we have talked about trust extensively before, but maybe it is time again to revisit the subject.  You would be surprised at how many people out there are just having sex and jumping right into relationships.  No groundwork has been laid, the two individual know absolutely nothing about each other and yet because they have had sex and it was good or adequate they automatically think they are in love,  What is actually happening is folks are replacing love for lust and thinking that they can build relationships off of that. Unfortunately that is flawed thinking and nothing lasting can be built on that foundation.  You have to begin each relationship in the manner like you are creating a friendship, and here is another piece of information I have learned along the way, if you don't know someone you have no basis for trusting them. Trust comes from knowing a person, spending time around that person and seeing how they react to certain situations and how they handle the trust that you extend to them.  If they don't earn it or display back what you have given them then are they truly worth you spending your time on?  The answer to that is no they are not.

A friend of mine once told me that life is like a checkbook, we make deposits and withdrawals from it all the time.  However, if there is someone in your life that is withdrawing more than they are depositing what happens?  Well, just like in a checking account if you have more debits than deposits your checkbook will go negative and will be impossible to balance.  The same thing holds true for your own life.  If someone is not giving you as much as you are giving them, your life becomes negative and you go out of balance.  Balance is very important in a relationship, and helps you start building up trust with another individual.  You can apply this to your love life, as well as your personal life.

A relationship is a relationship whether it is a friendship, love interest, family or any other type of social interaction you might have or experience.  Just a couple of days ago I was talking to you about this very subject and that I approach each new encounter like I am creating a foundation of friendship that will last long term.  I don't want to throw my care and love away, I want to build something that reflects how I am feeling, and I do this by making new friends and cultivating them the same exact way.  But you may be wondering to yourself by this point what does this all have to do with trust, well let me explain something to you.  Trust is the foundation on which friendships and relationships can be built upon, it is solid, unbroken and strong.  The Bible tells us that we should build our relationships upon a rock or firm foundation that sand or clay as the foundation wouldn't be sturdy enough to hold up a building let alone a relationship.  What do I mean by stating this fact?  I mean that a firm foundation of trust is a must.  You have to be able to have faith and trust in your partner or your relationship is doomed from the very beginning just like if you tried to build a house on a sand or clay foundation.  As soon as a strong wind comes against the structure it will fall or fold under the pressure if it is built upon the sand or the clay.  A foundation of trust is like building your relationship/friendship on solid stone.  You can add weight, pressure and even dimensions to a strong rock and it will not budge or falter.

Do you know what happens when those closest to you betray you or break your trust?  I can tell you that some of it would be anger, resentment, maybe even hatred. Most importantly is the fact that the trust you have has been betrayed or broken which could cause emotional trauma that might lead the other person down a very dark road, which ends up in their destruction.  It is important to respect each other and continually strengthen the bonds of trust.  There has to be clear lines of communication, and I am not just talking about telling someone how your day was or what you are up too.  I mean really communicating, listening as well as speaking.  You can't grow as a listener if your are always talking and vice versus, there has to be a happy middle ground.  Trust grows with each passing day and with every interaction you have with another person.  If there isn't, the relationship can become stagnant almost certainly diseases and depression can occur.  Trust is one of the most important things you can build between yourself and another person.
In a previous article I mentioned that we truly will never know what another person is thinking. You might wonder what I am trying tell to you. Is that no matter how long you have known a person, you cannot be 100% sure of what they are thinking or how they might act.  Humans are very secretive in nature, they also have a tendency to lie directly to you. All of these things shape how you look at relationships and who you let get close to you.   Each of us has built walls inside ourselves to avoid hurt and pain that others have inflicted upon you.  Once you have been hurt you immediately go into a tailspin, you feel hurt, anger, betrayal, resolution and finally you get past the hurt.  However, one thing that happens is that a wall is built up so that another person cannot do the same thing to you and hurt you all over again. It is the process of grieving that we each go through when a break-up occurs.  Therefore, it is going to take an extra special person to break through that wall, and it is going to take you sometime before you can open your heart up totally and let someone in.

I hope I haven't lost you along the way, but these two things are important for any relationship to have.  First, you have to build trust and get to know a person.  Secondly, you are going to have to study the person and figure out their patterns..  Each of us has a routine or pattern that we constantly update and work on.  If you can figure out the other person's pattern you can start to understand them better.  Because you can predict how they are going to react in each situation.  But, you must be observant and really get to know the person.  Once you figure out a persons pattern, a foundation begins to be laid, a friendship begins to form and stabilize.  The more you get to know a person, and their patterns trust starts to build between the too of you.  When this foundation is finally laid and you really start to get the person and can understand how they work, their moods, and their behaviors it becomes easier see if the person is being 100% truthful with you and can also begin to see through their lies if they do happen to lie to you.  However, remember what I told you at the beginning of this entry, if someone lies to you or you breaks your trust you need to let them go.  More debits than deposit throws your whole life out of balance and brings in negativity.

Please keep this in mind that trust flows both ways, and both people in the friendship or relationship have the potential to break each others trust and cause hurt.  Therefore it is very important that you are open and honest with your friends and partners.  Please keep in mind that if you shatter the bonds of trust with those you love you could tumble them down a dark path .  Those bonds of trust may never be able to be recreated again because they have lost faith in you and there is no going back once that trust has been discarded. Family and friends can hurt you just as bad as someone you have just met and are trying to get to know on a more intimate basis.

In the gay community, males have a tendency to be attracted to good looking people.  I believe that our priorities are screwed up and off balance.  Don't get me wrong looks do play a minor role in getting two people together.  But it isn't the most important thing.  Mental connection, the ability to make you laugh, someone who can make you feel good about yourself, they build you up and never tears you down.  These are the important traits that a relationship should be built on.  However, in the gay community we have the tendency to confuse lust for love, we jump into bed with the person we find attractive.  Here is the problem with that, when lust is confused for love there isn't a firm foundation you are building your house or relationship on sand, and sooner or later it will crumble and fall apart.  Love is something that grows, needs attention and has to have 100 % participation by both people involved in the relationship.  If you remember the song "The Rose" by Bette Middler, you understand that love starts out as a seed and grows into a beautiful flower.  Patience is necessary in any relationship.  You have to be open and receptive as well.

If you want to know if someone really loves you and cares about your well being, try and get to know someone and resist jumping directly into bed with the person.  Abstain for at least a month and if the person really cares about you they will understand and will wait for you.  Once sex gets comes into the equation our feelings get all messed up, we get confused and lust takes over, and yet there might be a seed planted, it hasn't even started to grow yet.  Learning another person, exploring everything about them is just the first step in building a relationship, but it also the first step towards building trust.  Remember, that relationships/friendship are tenuous things at the beginning and if you don't cultivate them correctly they wither and die before they have a chance to grow deep roots.

It is my hope that by you reading this you will be able to cultivate new friends and relationships.  Love is grown and cultivated in the same way.  A seed is planted, watered with attention, weeded with knowledge and before you know it it will have bloomed into a beautiful flower with strong roots and can stand any storm that comes it's way.

So when I tell you that trust is a must, you can see that it is essential for both a budding relationship as well as a full bloom relationship.  Trust is the foundation that is solid and allows a relationship to be strong and stable.  Words, deeds and lies can destroy even the strongest foundation and cause a relationship to spiral downward and break apart.  Remember that once that lie comes to light they are going to loose all faith in you and then there is no going back.

Please understand that if you want to be in a relationship you are going to have to work hard at it and build it on a firm foundation with compromise and open heart and mind. Remember being forewarned is forearmed.

All I can say from here is trust in yourself, find the goodness in others, cultivate every encounter with the mindset of forming a lasting friendship and sit back and see what happens.  If you feel it is right plant the seed of love and cultivate it properly.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A new understanding about unexpected happenings!

The other day we talked about coming through the storms that life throws our way.  How to focus on the light and have faith that God is going to see us through.  I also pointed out that when we least expect it how help comes from unexpected quarters, and when our strength falters it is God who carries us through.  But on top of that I have learned something else.  That with the bad comes the good in equal measure.

With that in mind I want to tell you a little story. It sort of goes hand in hand with the other two entries that I made on Friday.  It is all about how I was so stressed because I hadn't listened correctly to what my landlord was saying.  I heard something and got a little freaked out, thinking that he was changing the terms of our negotiation on the apartment and the deposits he wanted.  Now because of my misunderstanding I caused myself unnecessary panic, anxiety and worry over absolutely nothing. When he came by to have me sign the lease we talked about everything and it all became clear that I had made a mistake by not hearing or listening closely enough to the words he had spoken on the phone.  However, in my own defense when he called me Friday morning I was still in bed sound asleep, and may not have been fully awake.  That doesn't lessen my guilt in this case.

But as I reported in my blog entry on the storm, God enabled my money to stretch just far enough so that all my bills would be covered with a little extra to spare.  Keeping that in mind, this is what happened afterwards.  I had been in a state of panic and dismay all day Friday, doubting that I would make it and praying for a solution.  Which as I had indicated above was made, my money stretched just far enough that all the bills were covered and a tiny bit was left over.  Now, I started worrying about what I was going to eat, and how was I going to have gas for the month, you know typical monthly expenses.  Now, remember that I used the word DOUBT up above.  God can only work with us if we are open and receptive to His will and His terms, right?  You bet'cha, but this is what happened.  In the midst of my worrying and doubting I forgot to pray about this other worry and problem.  So Saturday morning I got up, was invited to my parents house for a cookout to meet my new stepbrother that is visiting from Ohio.  I had already met with the landlord and my fears were laid to rest there, he went over the agreement with me, we discussed my financial ramifications and everything was satisfactory.  I got to my parents house and was told that I had some mail in on the counter, went in to look at it and guess what I found?

Believe it or not, after all the worrying and doubting, answered prayer and the clearing of my own personal storm of my own making.  There was an envelope there that was addressed to me from the United States Treasury department.  Inside the envelope was a check for 100.10 for an over payment to the VA Administration for medication that I was billed for and paid.  Apparently with my condition and financial situation I qualify for my healthcare through the VA without co-pays a this point till my income changes.  So that little bit of money that I had increased enough to make it comfortable for me for the month.  I have food in the refrigerator and cabinets, a half a tank of gas, and only spent 40.00 from what I had.  That is when a new dawning hit me.  See, God provides, even in times of doubt and worry, He has got our back and when we are faced with a storm, whether one of our own making or one of the many that life throws at us, we are going to be taken care of.

Further, for every bit of good that we receive we have to experience the same amount of bad.  Which means for every bit of bad we survive and go through we are going to be rewarded with a little bit of goodness and fortune.  I should have realized this it is call the Law of Opposites and has been known for hundreds of years.  It took a simple little misunderstanding and a whole day of worrying and fretting to figure it out first hand and experience it.  As I said when I opened this entry, that when we keep our eye on the light, or God while in the midst of a storm, we are going to be delivered through it and from an unexpected corner help is going to come when we least expect it or are looking for it.

I hope that each of you keep this in mind, because it really is something that you can trust and believe.  Every time things get tough and I don't know how I am going to pull through a little miracle like that happens too me.  Now my pastor says that I am highly blessed and favored and I believe it. But that doesn't mean I should shirk my responsibilities or forget that I need to thank God for each and every blessing, because if I did that my personal and intimate walk with Him would be hurt.

Things happen too us for a reason, sometimes those reasons are self-evident other times they are not.  You have to understand where you are at and what you have been through to understand why you are going through what you are now.  We learn from these storms, and trials and if we do it right we also grow from them and have a greater understanding of the world and the way things work.  We are always rewarded for faithful service, and perseverance. We are never left to fend off things alone and that should renew our hope and faith.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

On Your Darkest Day

I can see the storm clouds gathering, I know it is going to be a beaut.  Full of howling fury and torrential rains, lightning that is going to burst the gray and heavy leaden clouds.  The sun is hidden, twilight has descended upon the world.  Every chore and task is done in grim sullen silence.  There is a heaviness in the air, as if someone has been holding their breathe.  The air is charged with electricity and cold fingers are clutching at your exposed skin.  You have known other storms, you have waded through the high waters and strong winds, and know that you can brave this one as you have all others.  Your secret is that you plod along keeping your focus on the tasks at hand, knowing that the quicker they are done the faster you can return the the warmth and safety of your house.  You know in the back of your mind that the warm glow of the fire will chase the chill away, your favorite chair is there waiting for you, and no matter the gale and force that assails the world your four walls are a sanctuary and solitude against its marauding onslaught.

Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there.  You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own.  Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside.  For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls.  Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life.  But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.

The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one.  When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through.  In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm.  Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it.  Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to  you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.

Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts.  Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on.  Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near.  You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand.  Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen.  Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.

Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart.  I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable.  At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through.  See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me.  Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore.  I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.

What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else.  He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon.  His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile.  For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief.  See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way.  That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close.  These are the things that have brought me joy.

So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it.  You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands.  There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite.  The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms.  With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault.  They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found.  Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire.  In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.

Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me.  We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own.  Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest.  Before the New Year my partner will be here.  I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.

God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near.  God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them.  We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there.  Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem.  Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake.  Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Love: CURSE VS. BLESSING

My friend Jaime McNeal from Facebook broached a topic with me the other night. He wanted me to explore my thoughts on Love as a curse.  Now, I wrote an entry last night juggling the thought is Love a Blessing or a Curse.  But that wasn't precisely what Jaime meant so today I decided to rework the concept and do a compare and contrast between the two aspects of what we call Love.  So this is going to be Curse vs. Blessing and we shall see what we come up with.

Curse: 

In the broadest sense of the word, Love can blind you to the machinations of others.  So if they don't have your best interests at heart they can use your feelings against you. Love binds us to others, and it can rob us of our identity if it is mishandled and used as a weapon.  You must be careful who you give your heart and love to, it is a commodity that can be greatly misused and turned against you.

Now when you meet someone for the first time, you are exposed to the facade they present to the world or their public face or mask.  It is only after time that we begin to see the real person hiding inside.  You may wonder why some people seem to change over time, well it isn't that they really have changed they are still the same person, you are just seeing more of them than they had originally shown.  In my heart I don't believe anyone ever intentionally plans to enter into a relationship with malicious intent, unless they are a psychopath to begin with.

There is a honeymoon period when you meet someone, that is the time period that begins when you first meet and start to come together as a couple. It is that grace period where the hidden person has yet to be revealed. This period of time can last up too perhaps a year.  Love is a journey, it is not something that just boom happens and you are there, and neither are the subtle approaches of mental abuse.  It is a gradual increase of criticisms and slight of words, that are aimed at wounding you, they are used in the heat of an argument, as I have said before word wounds may never heal properly, because they fester and infect long after they have been said.

Do we ever really know the real person?  I am not sure we do unless they are 100 percent honest with you, and trust me those types of people are few and far between.  It is time that becomes the great equalizer.  It is over time that you begin to see patterns develop.  People live by patterns, they are our routines, and habits, and if you are observant you can start to read them.  If the relationship starts to become over bearing, or you start to loose your sense of identity, then I think you will agree that love is a curse.  If your relationship is co-dependent and you have no individual independence then I would say  again that love is a curse.  The same aspects that can make love a blessing are surely the same that make it a curse as well.  But there are subtle differences and nuances that you have to be aware of and look for.  See Love is kind, caring, compassionate, long suffering, patient, enduring, blind to the faults of others, and when you are in the midst of it you can't seem to think rationally, and at times you don't even recognize what is happening because it is so subtle and slow that one day you wake up and wonder how you got to the place you are at, and why the hell are you still with the same person who has been putting you down for years and criticizing you, who has been so jealous and demeaning that none of your friends want to be around.  The same person who had decided that you weren't enough for them any more and decided to step out and fool around with someone else.  The same one that brought home a disease and passed on to you, because they were callused and careless and honestly never truly gave you a second thought. See in relationships the person who has the least invested physically, emotionally is ultimately the one with all the power over it.

Look for the signs that go along with the co-dependency, the controlling and violent tempers.  Because before you know it you start making excuses for their behavior, you rationalize to yourself that you guys have just hit a rough patch, or your partner is just under a lot of pressure, or a thousand other reasons.  Let me tell you something, it truly isn't going to get any better and if you stay, the mental abuse, the put downs, and snide comments, as well as the heated arguments are going to increase, and one day, before you know those same things have turned into physical abuse.  I have to tell you I have been down that road, and stayed there for far too long.  Sometimes it is easier to make the excuses, cling to the past, and hope that something might change. There will come a time and a place when you realize that it never is going to happen, that you have been wishing on smoke.  That enough is enough and you are going to have to leave.  Don't fall for their lies and cries that they will change and that it will never happen again, because it is Bullshit, they are not going to change, it isn't going to get any better, somewhere along the way the relationship got sidetracked and it has come too far to turn around now.  No one has the right to lay a hand on another person.  Pay attention to what is said when you are arguing, because you will find out that those are the true feelings of the person, and the resentments and disillusionment that they have been harboring.  Listen closely, and when you hear them you should know that it is time to go and move on because life isn't going to get any better, it is just going to get worse.

Ultimately, when someone really loves you and you have gotten to know them truly, then it will be a blessing...

Blessing:

Love is kind, enduring, never boastful or proud, compassionate, caring, patient, long suffering and the list goes on.  But what is love really? Love is a combination of intense attraction mixed with emotional and physical ties, that bind two people together.  Love is a seed that is planted and if nurtured correctly, and tended to can grow and bloom into something spectacular.  Love is easy going, never forceful, it is accepting, and takes time to grow and develop. It is a journey of discovery and growth, between two people, the catch is that there has to be open and honest line of communication with each other for it to work.  There has to be a base of friendship and mutual trust and understanding.  Problems arise when people try to move things along too quickly, they don't let it mature and grow at it's own speed.

For those of you that know me I have gone into great detail in the past about my previous relationships.  I have been in several long term relationships, and I have come to the conclusion that the way to make it work out is that you honestly must be open minded. You have to be willing to try new things, experiment, think outside the box, you have to keep it interesting and alive.  I believe that along with Love comes responsibilities, that must be taken on by both parties. It is a fluid, a moving and growing thing that is never constant, change is part of what a relationship is all about.  Remember that it is a journey that we are on, and love is apart of that journey.

Flexibility, honesty, and compromise are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and the development of love. If you truly love someone and they love you, things feel so easy, you fit together, there is no struggle.  You feed into each others wants, needs and desires. Your goals are intertwined to take you to the next level. You are accepting and you don't feel jealousy or envy, because you already know in your heart that they are yours.  Love is a two way street and it is something that is felt and if you aren't getting back as much as you are giving out then I think you might need to consider bailing out and looking elsewhere.

A long time ago I wrote this abstract on love.  I am going to reprint it here hopefully this helps you understand what it is supposed to feel like:
Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish.

As you have read this I hope you can see that Love is both a blessing and a curse depending on how it is manipulated and used.  Think of it as a coin, on one side you have blessing and on the other curse.  How you handle it and perceive it is what is going to make the difference.  

Jaime, this is for you buddy, I hope it points you in the direction you are looking for.  I have to tell you thank you for the topic, because from the original entry I wrote, I have a new topic for tomorrow.  "Why are gay relationships so transitory?" 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B