Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously. For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.
But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form. If you have problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it. Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.
If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence. Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.
Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me. I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.
Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter. To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years. For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.
My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community, and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable.
You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance. I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.
Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself. You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful. I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here! I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.
Let me be the first to enlighten you! It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them. No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused, for the sake of his drug addiction.
Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were. I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person. I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening. I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.
I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description. I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years. I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners. I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his.
I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun. It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally. I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.
I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations. Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.
Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page. I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it. I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see. But that is the major difference between you and me. See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance. I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker. I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS. I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.
I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time. My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world. I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers.
As I have said before and I mean it. Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life. Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!
My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences. I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up. I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are. I preach love, happiness and light. I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing. No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance. If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable. The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages. We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace. Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament. The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross. If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb. We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.
He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see. God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world. We have it in our power to change the course that we are on. Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Even Today
Today I met with UF Health CARES only to find out that my paperwork from Daytona was not conpletely faxed across. I couldn't prove that I ever had a registered viral load. Too the doctor that reviewed the portion of the test that came across the fax it looks like I have always been undetectable. This one mistake made my entire visit there non-productive. I had to have my blood drawn to get a new proof of positiveness letter and reschedule my appointment for 2 weeks away. This is rather disappointing because that means it will be another two weeks before I am finally enrolled in Ryan White services. I can tell you that the visit wasn't entirely a waste. I met Brandon during my visit, a highly intelligent young man who besides being heterosexual, he was also born with HIV.
Though we didn't have as much time I would have liked. I got to discuss a bit of his story as I told him my own. One thing that I was capable of doing was answering many of the questions that he had. I am amazed that even today persons with HIV can still feel prejudice and stigma. Which can trigger deep depression and feelings of fear, persecution, alienation. All of which can instill a deep and abiding sense of worthlessness and a lack of self-worth. Which according to Brandon has often made him feel as if he were a burden to others and unlovable.
His most relevant question for me was how do I stay positive and grounded? Luckily for him I was asked almost the same question not an hour before by the social worker for my primary care team at the VA. My answer to their question was simply that first I don't dwell on my illness and second that I use my blog as a sort of catharsis. That's right my coping mechanism is writing in my blog as well as telling to others my story every chance I can.
Like Brandon, I still deal with stigma and fear. I also know from our talk today that fear is a constant companion. Like me, we both fear how others will react to our disclosure of our illness. How others will receive us. The fear that others will reject us and thus diminish our hopes for a relationship. There are now treatments that a mixed couple (one poz and the other not). This maybe an option for some. But what if your potential partner isn't willing or not educated about it. However you decide to handle this dilemma is up to you.
But there is a whole lot more to Brandon than meets the eye. He feels compelled to help others, he has dedicated himself to the expansion of HIV research. In his own words he felt like he had a debt to pay becausr of everything he went through and his still being alive. With that debt in mind he dedicated himself in his sisters memory to constantly trying make a difference and help those around him.
Whether we want to accept it or not fear, misconception , stigma and prejudice still persist today. There are groups like the positive champions speakers bureau that work hard to stem these injustices and seek to educate and elighten the community of the truth of this disease. Back in the 1980's and the 1990's HIV/AIDS was headline news. There were marches, charity drives, concerts and an outpouring of information. Now, there is barely mention of AIDS Related death's and one rarely hears of the infection rates. Yet, one thing that I have learned is that in some of the nations largest cities. The majority of people being diagnosed, are dianosed with full blown AIDS versus being diagnosed with HIV.
As I explained to Brandon that my telling of my story has a two fold reward for me. It gives me the opportunity to talk to others one on one about what I went through and how it has affected me both positively and negatively. The second is that I am inspiring hope in others who might have given up on themselves and society in general.
One of the things about me is that I truly enjoy talking to people and it makes me feel like I am helping others and gives me a sense that I am giving something back to the community.
So if you are looking for a way to cope with your feelings of anxiety and depression or are looking for ways to deep or cope with stereotypes and stigma. Then maybe you should take up writing and talking to others about your story. I honestly think that you will find that your depression lessens and your self-worth will increase.
You are not doing this for yourself alone yet you will reap the most benefit from doing these things.
As always my hopes and prayers are with you. Love deeply, laugh often and live much.
Uncle B
Saturday, June 20, 2015
A fine line between love and hate
I know each of you have heard the old saying that there is a fine line between love and hate, but do you know exactly what this saying means? I have watched a friend of mine time and time again go back to the man that disrespects, abuses, and cheats on her. Now, I can understand her desire to keep her family together, she does have 3 children by this man. But when the children witness the abuse that she suffers time and again. What point do you reach the point that enough is enough. I have talked to her about her relationship and she told me that she would know when she has reached that point.
It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy. What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away. However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well. What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands? I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.
In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me. I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me. I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away. I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.
In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence. Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about. By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up. So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships. I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.
I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in. I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too. I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet. But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.
One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly. The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways. Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions. For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible. They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible. Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish. This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship. Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son. It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it. Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it. Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal. This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.
Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler. In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms. Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower. In other entries I have talked a good deal about love. But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love. What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating. It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate. If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.
Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well. If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you. Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional. Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware. I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored. However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.
Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms. Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices. Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they. Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with. You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return. Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself. If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you. Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.
Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too. They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them. You are important, you are unique, and you deserve the best.
As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children. No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.
Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy? Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner? If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy. What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away. However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well. What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands? I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.
In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me. I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me. I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away. I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.
In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence. Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about. By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up. So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships. I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.
I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in. I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too. I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet. But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.
One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly. The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways. Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions. For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible. They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible. Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish. This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship. Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son. It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it. Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it. Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal. This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.
Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler. In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms. Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower. In other entries I have talked a good deal about love. But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love. What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating. It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate. If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.
Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well. If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you. Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional. Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware. I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored. However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.
Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms. Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices. Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they. Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with. You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return. Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself. If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you. Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.
Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too. They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them. You are important, you are unique, and you deserve the best.
As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children. No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.
Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy? Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner? If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses and move on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Words are just words without any action to support them?
What I mean by this is you tell me something that you want me to believe you need to have performed some kind of action to support the deed that you are telling me about. It is so easy for us to lie to ourselves and even easier to lie to one another. Take it a different way, you tell me exactly what you think I want to hear and I am suppose to believe you on the basis of your statement. However, how can I believe what you are telling me when I know you. I have been around you and I know your actions and reactions to certain situations. As a friend we learn each others habits, tricks and faces, and when someone tries to get over on you, The first thing that comes to mind is it's all a lie.
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Monday, August 27, 2012
Love: CURSE VS. BLESSING
My friend Jaime McNeal from Facebook broached a topic with me the other night. He wanted me to explore my thoughts on Love as a curse. Now, I wrote an entry last night juggling the thought is Love a Blessing or a Curse. But that wasn't precisely what Jaime meant so today I decided to rework the concept and do a compare and contrast between the two aspects of what we call Love. So this is going to be Curse vs. Blessing and we shall see what we come up with.
Curse:
In the broadest sense of the word, Love can blind you to the machinations of others. So if they don't have your best interests at heart they can use your feelings against you. Love binds us to others, and it can rob us of our identity if it is mishandled and used as a weapon. You must be careful who you give your heart and love to, it is a commodity that can be greatly misused and turned against you.
Now when you meet someone for the first time, you are exposed to the facade they present to the world or their public face or mask. It is only after time that we begin to see the real person hiding inside. You may wonder why some people seem to change over time, well it isn't that they really have changed they are still the same person, you are just seeing more of them than they had originally shown. In my heart I don't believe anyone ever intentionally plans to enter into a relationship with malicious intent, unless they are a psychopath to begin with.
There is a honeymoon period when you meet someone, that is the time period that begins when you first meet and start to come together as a couple. It is that grace period where the hidden person has yet to be revealed. This period of time can last up too perhaps a year. Love is a journey, it is not something that just boom happens and you are there, and neither are the subtle approaches of mental abuse. It is a gradual increase of criticisms and slight of words, that are aimed at wounding you, they are used in the heat of an argument, as I have said before word wounds may never heal properly, because they fester and infect long after they have been said.
Do we ever really know the real person? I am not sure we do unless they are 100 percent honest with you, and trust me those types of people are few and far between. It is time that becomes the great equalizer. It is over time that you begin to see patterns develop. People live by patterns, they are our routines, and habits, and if you are observant you can start to read them. If the relationship starts to become over bearing, or you start to loose your sense of identity, then I think you will agree that love is a curse. If your relationship is co-dependent and you have no individual independence then I would say again that love is a curse. The same aspects that can make love a blessing are surely the same that make it a curse as well. But there are subtle differences and nuances that you have to be aware of and look for. See Love is kind, caring, compassionate, long suffering, patient, enduring, blind to the faults of others, and when you are in the midst of it you can't seem to think rationally, and at times you don't even recognize what is happening because it is so subtle and slow that one day you wake up and wonder how you got to the place you are at, and why the hell are you still with the same person who has been putting you down for years and criticizing you, who has been so jealous and demeaning that none of your friends want to be around. The same person who had decided that you weren't enough for them any more and decided to step out and fool around with someone else. The same one that brought home a disease and passed on to you, because they were callused and careless and honestly never truly gave you a second thought. See in relationships the person who has the least invested physically, emotionally is ultimately the one with all the power over it.
Look for the signs that go along with the co-dependency, the controlling and violent tempers. Because before you know it you start making excuses for their behavior, you rationalize to yourself that you guys have just hit a rough patch, or your partner is just under a lot of pressure, or a thousand other reasons. Let me tell you something, it truly isn't going to get any better and if you stay, the mental abuse, the put downs, and snide comments, as well as the heated arguments are going to increase, and one day, before you know those same things have turned into physical abuse. I have to tell you I have been down that road, and stayed there for far too long. Sometimes it is easier to make the excuses, cling to the past, and hope that something might change. There will come a time and a place when you realize that it never is going to happen, that you have been wishing on smoke. That enough is enough and you are going to have to leave. Don't fall for their lies and cries that they will change and that it will never happen again, because it is Bullshit, they are not going to change, it isn't going to get any better, somewhere along the way the relationship got sidetracked and it has come too far to turn around now. No one has the right to lay a hand on another person. Pay attention to what is said when you are arguing, because you will find out that those are the true feelings of the person, and the resentments and disillusionment that they have been harboring. Listen closely, and when you hear them you should know that it is time to go and move on because life isn't going to get any better, it is just going to get worse.
Ultimately, when someone really loves you and you have gotten to know them truly, then it will be a blessing...
Blessing:
Love is kind, enduring, never boastful or proud, compassionate, caring, patient, long suffering and the list goes on. But what is love really? Love is a combination of intense attraction mixed with emotional and physical ties, that bind two people together. Love is a seed that is planted and if nurtured correctly, and tended to can grow and bloom into something spectacular. Love is easy going, never forceful, it is accepting, and takes time to grow and develop. It is a journey of discovery and growth, between two people, the catch is that there has to be open and honest line of communication with each other for it to work. There has to be a base of friendship and mutual trust and understanding. Problems arise when people try to move things along too quickly, they don't let it mature and grow at it's own speed.
For those of you that know me I have gone into great detail in the past about my previous relationships. I have been in several long term relationships, and I have come to the conclusion that the way to make it work out is that you honestly must be open minded. You have to be willing to try new things, experiment, think outside the box, you have to keep it interesting and alive. I believe that along with Love comes responsibilities, that must be taken on by both parties. It is a fluid, a moving and growing thing that is never constant, change is part of what a relationship is all about. Remember that it is a journey that we are on, and love is apart of that journey.
Flexibility, honesty, and compromise are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and the development of love. If you truly love someone and they love you, things feel so easy, you fit together, there is no struggle. You feed into each others wants, needs and desires. Your goals are intertwined to take you to the next level. You are accepting and you don't feel jealousy or envy, because you already know in your heart that they are yours. Love is a two way street and it is something that is felt and if you aren't getting back as much as you are giving out then I think you might need to consider bailing out and looking elsewhere.
A long time ago I wrote this abstract on love. I am going to reprint it here hopefully this helps you understand what it is supposed to feel like:
Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish.
Curse:
In the broadest sense of the word, Love can blind you to the machinations of others. So if they don't have your best interests at heart they can use your feelings against you. Love binds us to others, and it can rob us of our identity if it is mishandled and used as a weapon. You must be careful who you give your heart and love to, it is a commodity that can be greatly misused and turned against you.
Now when you meet someone for the first time, you are exposed to the facade they present to the world or their public face or mask. It is only after time that we begin to see the real person hiding inside. You may wonder why some people seem to change over time, well it isn't that they really have changed they are still the same person, you are just seeing more of them than they had originally shown. In my heart I don't believe anyone ever intentionally plans to enter into a relationship with malicious intent, unless they are a psychopath to begin with.
There is a honeymoon period when you meet someone, that is the time period that begins when you first meet and start to come together as a couple. It is that grace period where the hidden person has yet to be revealed. This period of time can last up too perhaps a year. Love is a journey, it is not something that just boom happens and you are there, and neither are the subtle approaches of mental abuse. It is a gradual increase of criticisms and slight of words, that are aimed at wounding you, they are used in the heat of an argument, as I have said before word wounds may never heal properly, because they fester and infect long after they have been said.
Do we ever really know the real person? I am not sure we do unless they are 100 percent honest with you, and trust me those types of people are few and far between. It is time that becomes the great equalizer. It is over time that you begin to see patterns develop. People live by patterns, they are our routines, and habits, and if you are observant you can start to read them. If the relationship starts to become over bearing, or you start to loose your sense of identity, then I think you will agree that love is a curse. If your relationship is co-dependent and you have no individual independence then I would say again that love is a curse. The same aspects that can make love a blessing are surely the same that make it a curse as well. But there are subtle differences and nuances that you have to be aware of and look for. See Love is kind, caring, compassionate, long suffering, patient, enduring, blind to the faults of others, and when you are in the midst of it you can't seem to think rationally, and at times you don't even recognize what is happening because it is so subtle and slow that one day you wake up and wonder how you got to the place you are at, and why the hell are you still with the same person who has been putting you down for years and criticizing you, who has been so jealous and demeaning that none of your friends want to be around. The same person who had decided that you weren't enough for them any more and decided to step out and fool around with someone else. The same one that brought home a disease and passed on to you, because they were callused and careless and honestly never truly gave you a second thought. See in relationships the person who has the least invested physically, emotionally is ultimately the one with all the power over it.
Look for the signs that go along with the co-dependency, the controlling and violent tempers. Because before you know it you start making excuses for their behavior, you rationalize to yourself that you guys have just hit a rough patch, or your partner is just under a lot of pressure, or a thousand other reasons. Let me tell you something, it truly isn't going to get any better and if you stay, the mental abuse, the put downs, and snide comments, as well as the heated arguments are going to increase, and one day, before you know those same things have turned into physical abuse. I have to tell you I have been down that road, and stayed there for far too long. Sometimes it is easier to make the excuses, cling to the past, and hope that something might change. There will come a time and a place when you realize that it never is going to happen, that you have been wishing on smoke. That enough is enough and you are going to have to leave. Don't fall for their lies and cries that they will change and that it will never happen again, because it is Bullshit, they are not going to change, it isn't going to get any better, somewhere along the way the relationship got sidetracked and it has come too far to turn around now. No one has the right to lay a hand on another person. Pay attention to what is said when you are arguing, because you will find out that those are the true feelings of the person, and the resentments and disillusionment that they have been harboring. Listen closely, and when you hear them you should know that it is time to go and move on because life isn't going to get any better, it is just going to get worse.
Ultimately, when someone really loves you and you have gotten to know them truly, then it will be a blessing...
Blessing:
Love is kind, enduring, never boastful or proud, compassionate, caring, patient, long suffering and the list goes on. But what is love really? Love is a combination of intense attraction mixed with emotional and physical ties, that bind two people together. Love is a seed that is planted and if nurtured correctly, and tended to can grow and bloom into something spectacular. Love is easy going, never forceful, it is accepting, and takes time to grow and develop. It is a journey of discovery and growth, between two people, the catch is that there has to be open and honest line of communication with each other for it to work. There has to be a base of friendship and mutual trust and understanding. Problems arise when people try to move things along too quickly, they don't let it mature and grow at it's own speed.
For those of you that know me I have gone into great detail in the past about my previous relationships. I have been in several long term relationships, and I have come to the conclusion that the way to make it work out is that you honestly must be open minded. You have to be willing to try new things, experiment, think outside the box, you have to keep it interesting and alive. I believe that along with Love comes responsibilities, that must be taken on by both parties. It is a fluid, a moving and growing thing that is never constant, change is part of what a relationship is all about. Remember that it is a journey that we are on, and love is apart of that journey.
Flexibility, honesty, and compromise are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and the development of love. If you truly love someone and they love you, things feel so easy, you fit together, there is no struggle. You feed into each others wants, needs and desires. Your goals are intertwined to take you to the next level. You are accepting and you don't feel jealousy or envy, because you already know in your heart that they are yours. Love is a two way street and it is something that is felt and if you aren't getting back as much as you are giving out then I think you might need to consider bailing out and looking elsewhere.
A long time ago I wrote this abstract on love. I am going to reprint it here hopefully this helps you understand what it is supposed to feel like:
Love is patient, kind and understanding;
Love is accepting and enduring;
Love is a seed that grows and matures;
Love is freely given, never with strings attached;
Love nourishes and flourishes with attention;
Love is never judging or demanding;
Love is a flower that grows from friendship, respect and trust;
Love is laughter, sunshine and praise;
Love makes you feel good about yourself;
Love is confident, Love is strong, Love heals, Love nurtures, Love protects, Love forgives, yet never forgets;
Love is uplifting, it is wholesome and pure;
Love is a kind word, a firm hand, and a tough taskmaster;
With Love you can move a mountain, soar to the highest heights.
Love can be blind, it can bind you, it is believing and hoping for the best in human kindness;
And above all else it's yours to give and take. Give it wisely, nourish it with attention, reap it's harvest;
It should never hurt or cause pain, but if it does tend to it, its a sign that it needs something.
And if it isn't returned it can burn and wither, but keep the faith, when it finds a fertile place that is receptive and warm it will burst forth again and flourish.
As you have read this I hope you can see that Love is both a blessing and a curse depending on how it is manipulated and used. Think of it as a coin, on one side you have blessing and on the other curse. How you handle it and perceive it is what is going to make the difference.
Jaime, this is for you buddy, I hope it points you in the direction you are looking for. I have to tell you thank you for the topic, because from the original entry I wrote, I have a new topic for tomorrow. "Why are gay relationships so transitory?"
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
What two things can keep you from succeeding at your goals and dreams?
Now I know that you know that there are more things that can keep you from succeeding. But the main two that I think of that can kill them before you even start are Fear and Jealousy. Fear alone can hold you back, limit your reasoning to take risks that may be necessary to even start. Fear can keep you from trying something new and exploring every opportunity and avenue that is presented to you. It can also lock you in place because it causes you to doubt your own abilities. Jealousy, whether yours aimed at others or their's aimed at you is the second thing.
Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be. You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide. Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms. They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you. It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you. Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge. Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack. It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.
There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them. The first we discussed was fear. As they say fear is really the the enemy itself. You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities. Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself. Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair. Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.
Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms. The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again. The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks. Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did. This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet. Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true. First off, if something looks easy for someone maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it. Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set. When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.
You might just find you aren't in such a bad place. As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be! I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here. In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life. Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made. Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace. Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.
The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters". These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly. It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults. The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally. Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all. A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down. Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".
For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html
I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries. You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be. You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide. Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms. They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you. It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you. Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge. Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack. It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.
There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them. The first we discussed was fear. As they say fear is really the the enemy itself. You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities. Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself. Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair. Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.
Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms. The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again. The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks. Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did. This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet. Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true. First off, if something looks easy for someone maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it. Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set. When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.
You might just find you aren't in such a bad place. As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be! I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here. In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life. Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made. Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace. Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.
The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters". These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly. It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults. The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally. Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all. A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down. Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".
For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html
I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries. You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 30, 2012
Hate, Anger and Regret will consume you.
I was thinking about anger, hate and regrets the other day and how those three things are the formula for revenge. Revenge is all about getting back at someone for hurting you, or having done something to you. The pitfalls of revenge can be found in literary classics like "Moby Dick" and other such important works. The end results are usually the same, a person becomes embroiled and totally consumed by the intense drive and need to execute their revenge. Revenge is pointless, you cannot change the past, and in most cases more hurt is inflicted upon yourself then the person you target. In my blog entry entitled "So What, Who Cares, Get Over it and Move on" I talk about grudges, and revenge is a grudge that has grown out of control and has become an obsession.
It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it? The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt. Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person. Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.
I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions. Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person. When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy. In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair. After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain. Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.
If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void? Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding? No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression. Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste. You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late. Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken. Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?
In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned. Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done. You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you. See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for. What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.
Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt. Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from. Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start. It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said. You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.
Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions. Try to figure out what their agenda is. Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog. These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt. To them you are just an end to the means. If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.
It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good. Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions. They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.
Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours. But, guess what you are better than them. You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them. So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go. They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over. Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you. Because you know what how they act and operate. So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".
While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that. Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt. My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it. So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory. The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account." Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way. Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all. If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up. There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike. I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them. But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did. Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it. It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.
Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world. Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first. Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge. Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do. Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through. Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it? The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt. Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person. Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.
I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions. Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person. When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy. In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair. After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain. Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.
If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void? Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding? No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression. Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste. You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late. Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken. Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?
In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned. Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done. You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you. See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for. What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.
Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt. Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from. Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start. It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said. You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.
Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions. Try to figure out what their agenda is. Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog. These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt. To them you are just an end to the means. If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.
It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good. Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions. They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.
Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours. But, guess what you are better than them. You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them. So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go. They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over. Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you. Because you know what how they act and operate. So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".
While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that. Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt. My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it. So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory. The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account." Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way. Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all. If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up. There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike. I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them. But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did. Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it. It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.
Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world. Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first. Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge. Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do. Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through. Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
You need to adjust and lower your expectations
The last four entries have been dealing with relationships and dealing with the problems that might come up in them. Which I included families and how they form the basis of a support network. I want to round out the series with discussing expectations. For it seems to me that rigidity and flawed expectations seem to be a cause of our own inability to adjust to what life and relationships throw at us. I have stressed that in order for relationships to be successful and long lasting it needs to be based on trust, communication, friendship, open mindedness and the flexibility to adjust to change. Keep in mind that when two people come together, they have their own ideas, habits and customs that they are used to. By adjusting and lowering your expectations can make living with another person so much easier.
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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